Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Weivóc'Neán on January 18, 2007, 06:19:53 AM



Title: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 18, 2007, 06:19:53 AM
    Yellow = Changes


Name:
    *Weivóc'Neán(destiny end)

Gender:
    Male.

Age:
    273.

Height:
    Approximately 2 peds and a palmspan.

Weight:
    1 pygge, 5 hebs, 8 ods.

Eye Color:
    Black.

Hair Color:
    Nor'sidian

Race:
    Elf.

Tribe:
    Eophyrhim Elf.

Occupation:
    Assassin, Bounty Hunter.

Title:
    The Forsaken.

Overview:
    From the looks of him, one would not guess this mans gruesome past. He has grown into a expert assassin. If asked, this man would say "I enjoy what I do for a living". He moves in the night very swiftly and silently. He always sticks to the shadows and never reveals himself at night while on a mission.   

Physical Appearance:
    Overall Body- He is a tall and slender elf. Even though he is actually strong, his body structure deceives the eye and gives him a different appearance. He has some tattoos that are just the drawings and not colored in.

    Head- He has three piercing on his right ear and two piercing on his left ear. Two of the piercing on his right ear, and a piercing on his left ear are dangling diamonds, which he believes brings good luck to him on his missions. The other two, one on each ear, are studs, which he believes keeps bad omens from entering his dreams. His hair falls down to his shoulder blades in the back, gradually shortening while heading to his face where it only goes down just below his, almond shaped, crystal blue eyes. Even though his hair is sort of long, it has never given him away.

    Arms- He has a tattoo of a hawk soaring on each of his upper arms. This is over tight sinewy rippling muscles. These are from long periods of working out and strengthening these muscles in different ways.

    Upper Body- He has a tattoo of a lone mithral wolf on his back. Also, on his chest, there is a tattoo of a frost dragon curling around staring straight out with spine chilling eyes. This is over a tight well worked out chest and abs that show no trace of fat.

    Legs- There is a tattoo of the Eophyrhim hunting hound on each one. Even though his legs don't look like they have much muscle, they can actually carry him and his belongings quite a distance relatively fast without tiring. This is due to endurance and speed training.

Clothes:
    He is always wearing a black cloak with a hood. Under his cloak, he is wearing a black ether-flake shirt and leather pants. He wears black dyed animal hide shoes. He also wears a black silk scarf that is very long but just short enough that when standing its just barely above the ground.

Personality:
    He has always been different including his personality. Some even say his outlook on life is twisted, but he says that he doesn't have a strange outlook. He says we are destined to become very strong and show that you are more superior compared to others. Also, you need to have some compassion for someone or something in someway. He thinks this because this is what he has always thought, since he has been an outcast. He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd. When in one, he get nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people. Even though he doesn't use weapons when he does this, it does usually have one or two people need medical treatment. He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die.

    Though no one knows it but him, he has a soft spot for wolves and foxes and will not abandon one in danger or that is injured. This is because he understands their pain and how they are outcasts for no reason. He also think that with power there comes responsibility. His responsibility is to work for people and do their work for them which is killing and murdering people. This is due to the thrill he finds in killing people and the fact that he believes he should give the privilege of death to those who deserve it. Otherwise when making idle chat, he is actually seems quite normal and knows much about what's happening in the world. Also if one asks, he can have the knowledge on anything that is happening around the world.

Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill and to conceal himself in the shadows.
    *Strength- Able to swing a blade even of considerable weight very fast.
    *Endurance- Able to run long distances and able to last long through fights.
    *Adaptable- He has always been able to learn and adapt very easily to anything including weapon skills or harsh weather.
    *Customized Scimitar- he can use it quite well and has a very unique in fighting style.
    *Salén Pins- he can use these with pretty good accuracy.
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- he can use these very well, but can't use in combination with his scimitar. Only used for if he loses his weapon, whether it be by it breaking or knocked out of his hands.

Weaknesses:
    *Agoraphobia(Fear of Big Crowds)- He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd, and when in one, he get nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly. No one knows the cause of this.
    *Persistent- Due to always being persistent, he has almost killed himself several times and has lost many deals on items and merchandise.
    *Weak Immune- Due to an ingrown immune system, he is susceptible to poisons, toxins, and diseases more than the usual elf. He has not grown immune to poison like a normal Eophyrhim elf, because he has never used poison on an enemy except for missions, and not to catch animals. It is ingrown due to the fact that he had recieved a good poison immnue when he was a kid and then he got older, he didn't eat anything with the usual poisons used by his tribe to hunt. Due to this, it became worse then if he never had it when born.
    *Bad Left Shoulder- Due to a badly healed injury to his shoulder during a mission, it sometimes causes him pain making him unable to use that arm.
    *Wolves/Foxes- Due to an unusual compassion for wolves and foxes, he will help them no matter what. This has put him in dangerous and unnecessary situations and also has caused him to be bit time to time.
    *Oneirophobia(Fear of Dreams)- For some odd reason, he grew up with a fear of his dreams and nightmares. No matter what they were, it always meant something bad happening depending on the dream. Sometimes he dreamt of people just dieing in front of him and the next day he would get hurt some way. Whenever he has a dream, he is always seen at a hand-made shack in the woods just out of the town he is staying at, or his home until he moves to a new town. Even though this doesn't stop what was going to happen from happening he feels like it makes it less painful. The only time he isn't at home, is when he is on a mission, but somewhere in town that day.
    *Heliophobia(Fear of Sun)- Due to a fear of the sun since birth, he has never looked at the sun, studied about the sun, or ventured into sunlight with out his entire body being covered by clothing. Due to this, he has been hindered from traveling at some points where there were rips or tears in his clothing, being afraid something would happen to him if the sun touched his skin. This has also caused his skin to become intolerant to the sun. If he were to venture into the sun with a part of his body exposed to it, it would burn very easily and could even scar.

History:
    He was born to a pretty rich family that worked as assassins. Ever since his birth he has had 3 majors fears he couldn't conquer. These were fear of the sun, big crowds, and his dreams. Due to the fear of the sun, he has always wore a full body cloak, and tilting his head down to shade his head, to protect his skin from the sun and thought of himself tainted if he were ever touched by the sunlight. Also, when being taught, he never listened to the studies about the sun since he feared it. He naturally wanted to follow in his parent's footsteps, so they started training him at the age of 16. As he grew up he started wondering why he was on this earth and what was his purpose. He also decided that when he grew up, he was going to kill people for a living. He decided this, because he enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and success. When he turned 19, he started to work out everyday in the woods to work out. At the age of 26, his parents bought him a customized scimitar because they were starting to train him to fight with swords. It was customized how he wanted by making it longer and less curved but still kinda thin. He asked for it this way, because he liked long two handed swords, but did not like them to be excessively heavy which is how most are. He learned to use this well and fast. After he was through training with them, he became a hunter and started developing very good stealth and learn to kill quickly.

    At the age of 89, he killed many of the people in the Arvins Festival. It is a festival held every 25 years in which there is a great feast honoring 25-40 random humans. That night after the feast, the humans are released, and the Eophyrhim chase after and kill them once the sun rises. It usually lasts 2-8 days. This scared everyone because it had never been done before by one person alone so fast. They were also scared because they thought that he might give the privilege of death to fellow clan members. Even though others see him as twisted, he thinks he is just misunderstood. Before this happened, he had a dream about two wolves running across a empty field in the middle of the night when a full moon was in the sky. He believes this to symbolize him being exiled from the clan since it was a full moon that night and he was thus exiled. He then ran far away across an empty field all throughout the night.

    After he killed most of the people in the festival by himself, he was exiled from the tribe, because they felt he might betray them for some reason, and was never seen there from then on. He became a hired assassin with a scary past. He went to the nearest city to work in his new life. He worked for 8 years before he bought some coorán'lóh blades to fit his shoes. He noticed these when he saw a kaierian warrior using them. He asked what they were and if he could get some and the kaierian warrior happily helped him. He trained himself to use these, to be able to use without making major mistake, for the next 5 years, while living off money he acquired in the last 8 years. After he resumed killing for awhile, he met a stranger that introduced him into salén pins. After learning some about them he learned to use them better on his own in a small training course he built himself off in the woods.

    After that he resumed being an assassin until he was 198, then a bartender that knew what he did for a living, and that always asked him questions, asked this question, while serving him a drink, "Are your parents proud of what you do?"
    "Yes, but they don't know how good I am at my job," he replied.
    "Why haven't you told them what you do?" The bartender asked.
    Taking a drink from his glass, he then replied "Because I can't tell them how good I am on account of something I did causing me to get exiled from the tribe."
    "What was that?" The bartender inquired with a wondering voice.
    He drank the rest of his drink and set his glass down. He then replied, "I enjoy killing so much that I started to scare them all, including my own parents."

    After this, everyone that learned of his past started calling him "The Forsaken" because he did not seem normal. They thought this because it was not normal for a elf, even a Eophyrhim, to have a love for killing as much as he did. He then left the town he was in and started moving from town to town never staying longer than 10 years anywhere. He sometimes did end up in a town he had visited before but no one recognized him, because it had been at least 75 years before he went back to the same town. While in town he would find a bar after about a week of looking. When he found it he would go to the bar and order the same drink he always did. He would then let everyone know he was a bounty hunter and to leave a note on the board or to tell him personally right then of requests. He would then leave and go off into the crowd of people and disappear. He would come back later and check the board and complete the requests in less than a week, except certain ones that required much travel that would take longer.

Weapons:
    *Salén Pin- Was showed to him by a stranger when he was 134 and he choose to use them while this stranger taught him somewhat how to use them. He got better on his own with his own training course for them he built.
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- He bought these himself, after seeing a Kaierian Warrior use some, at the age of 98 and learned to use them on his own.
    *Modified Scimitar- Given to him as his 26th birthday present. It's modified by making the blade longer and a little less curved. This was made at his request.

Belongings:
    *His weapons.
    *His clothes.
    *A sack for all his money.


Title: Re: Devien // Melad'rhim Elf // Assassin
Post by: Kelancey the Green on January 18, 2007, 08:22:39 AM
Hi, Devien, and well met!  I hope you won't mind another newbie making some comments on your preliminary CD?  My comments will be in green.

"Name: Devien Lionhart.
Gender: Male.
Age: 273.
Height:    1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans, 8 Nailsbreadths, 4 Grains.
Weight:    1 pygge, 4 hebs, 3 ods.
Eye Color:    A very deep blue.
Hair Color:    Nor'sidian- 2 Palmspans, 1 Grain length in back while gradually working to 7 Nailsbreadths, and 3 Grains in front.
Race:   Dark Elf.
Tribe:    Eophyrhim Elf.
Occupation:    Assassin.
Title:    The Unborn."
You've clearly familiarized yourself with the Santharian color scheme and measurements; very good!  I realize it's not yet written, but with as obscure a Title as "The Unborn", you *must* explain that one in the history, if for no other than reason than to satisfy my curiosity.  Please?

"Overview:
    From the looks of him, one could not guess this mans troubled and gruesome past. He has grown into a expert assassin and doesn't regret any of his sins. If asked, this man would say "I enjoy what I do for a living". Even though to most this makes no sense, to him it makes perfect sense."
Check, looks good.

"Physical Appearance:
    He is a tall and slender man. He is always seen wearing a cloak with a hood on it. From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man.
Clothes:
    He is always wearing a Nor'sidian cloak with a hood. Under his cloak, he is wearing a Nor'sidian cloth shirt and pants. He wears Nor'sidian dyed animal hide shoes."
Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate!  You've given us your measurements, eyes, and hair color; now describe how he might look lurking in the shadow of a partly-opened gate, his hood drawn close to his face, his hair tied neatly to eliminate any rustling, his hands slipping into secret pockets to find this or that tool...  Transform him from a comic character to a flesh-and-blood elfin man.

"Personality:
    "A very grim look on life" is what most people say his personality is. He says that he doesn't have a grim outlook, but that he has grown out of his naive life and has gone into the true nature destined for all living beings. (Could you explain that this true nature is, please?)  When one asks why, he responds "I did it because I found out my true destiny and took it into my own hands, turning it into what I wanted. Also, why hold back your true power when you can show the whole world what you are capable of?" Then he would laugh sinisterly. ('Sinisterly' sounds kind of, well, off.  How about 'with sinister and disconcerting glee'?)  Most people avoid him because they don't want to get on his bad side, which is easy to get on.
Okay, so he revels in committing atrocious acts.  Explain why in his History.

"Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill people without others' knowledge and to conceal himself in the shadows.
    *Agility- Can run long distances without tiring and can also swing even some of the heavy blades relatively fast.
    *Strength- Can swing weapons down with much force. Also, can carry a lot long distances without tiring.
    *No Feeling- He doesn't feel regret for all of the killing he has done and does not regret his past.
    *Weapon skills- Can use swords (preferably his customized scimitar), Salén Pins, and Coorán'Lóh Blades very well.

Weaknesses:
    *Fear- People that know his past fear him for what he has done, Because of this he doesn't have many friends or people that will help him. (Being that he's an assassin, secretive by nature, this sounds more like a Strength to me, or at least a feature of his history.  I disagree that this is a Weakness.)
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly. This has been proven to hinder him by making him be sick or injured longer than usual.
    *Persistent- Even if odds are grim, he won't give up no matter what. Even if he uses stealth, he gets in regular fights very often. (Again, persistence is close to valor, which is a Strength.  If he's stealthy, he should be able to slip out of notice of city patrols, royal guards, whomever.)
    *Always moving- He's always moving so he has no time to settle and get used to one place, thus he never knows where anything is and gets lost easily."
I could be mistaken, but weighing his Strengths against his Weaknesses, he seems unbalanced to me.  I believe it's supposed to be a 1-to-1 ratio.

"Weapons:
    *Salén Pin- Was showed to him by his dad when he was 69 and he choose to use them while his dad taught him somewhat how to use them. He got better on his own with his own training course for them he built.  IMHO, people train better under someone else's tutelage than by themselves. 
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- He bought these himself at the age of 97 and learned to use them on his own.  Same comment.
    *Modified Scimitar- Given to him as his 82th birthday present. It's modified by making the blade longer and a little less curved while still keeping it slim. This was made at his request.  Same comment.

Okay, he does indeed seem like a Bad Mister Frumper.  What makes someone eee-vil is what goes into their History.  For example, "the Bone Queen" sounds a little spooky, but that's it until you read her history, and learn that she's largely responsible for holding ancient Sarvonia in mortal terror of her whimsical cruelty for, what, a few centuries?  Make the Unborn just as grisly, or mysterious, or eeevil as you envision him.  That's it for now.  Good luck!


Title: Re: Devien // Melad'rhim Elf // Assassin
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 18, 2007, 08:51:14 AM
I have done what I think was needing correcting and changing and would like another comment or 2 please.


Title: Re: Devien // Melad'rhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Navar The Rogue Assassin on January 18, 2007, 01:19:22 PM
Hello and welcome to Santharia, ok my comments will be in Red

P.S. I can be a little nitpicky.

Name:
    Devien Lionhart.

Gender:
    Male.

Age:
    273.

Height:
    1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans, 8 Nailsbreadths, 4 Grains.

Weight:
    1 pygge, 4 hebs, 3 ods.

Eye Color:
    A very deep blue. (Drow tend to have darker colored eyes, browns and blacks)

Hair Color:
    Nor'sidian- 2 Palmspans, 1 Grain length in back while gradually working to 7 Nailsbreadths, and 3 Grains in front. All but the front is naturally spiked sorta leaning backwards when he wakes up.

Race:
    Dark Elf. (Here the term Drow would be better suited but IMHO just call him an elf)
Tribe:
    Eophyrhim Elf.

Occupation:
    Assassin, Bount Hunter.

Title:
    The Unborn.

Overview:
    From the looks of him, one could not guess this mans troubled and gruesome past. He has grown into a expert assassin and doesn't regret any of his sins. If asked, this man would say I enjoy what I do for a living. Even though to most this makes no sense, to him it makes perfect sense. He moves in the night very swiftly and silently. Even though his hair is not tied, it has never given him away. He always sticks to the shadows and never reveals himself in the light at night while on a mission.   

Physical Appearance:
    He is a tall and slender man (elf  :grin:). He is always seen wearing a cloak with a hood on it. From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man. You can see a grey scarf dangling from his neck that is just barely over the ground. (expand here, this will help the reader get a better visual veiw of your character. So in other words help us see what you are seeing)

Clothes:
    He is always wearing a Nor'sidian cloak with a hood. Under his cloak, he is wearing a Nor'sidian cloth shirt and pants. He wears Nor'sidian dyed animal hide shoes. He also wears a
grey scarf that is very long but just short enough that when standing its just barely above the ground.

Personality:
    "A very grim look on life" is what most people say his personality is. He says that he doesn't have a grim outlook,but he says that he has grown out of his naive life and has gone into the true nature destined for all living beings, which is to become the one on top of the food chain and show that you are more superior compared to thers. When one asks why, he responds I did it because i found out my true destiny and took it into my own hands and turning it into what I wanted. Also, why hold back your true power when you can show the whole world what you are capable of. sneering with a sinister laugh. Most people avoid him because they don't want to get on his bad side which is easy to get on. He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die, even if it is not there true time to go.

Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill people without other knowledge and to conceal himself in the shadows.
    *Agility- Can run long distances without tiring and can also swing even some of the heavy blades relatively fast.
    *No Feeling- He doesn't feel regret for all of the killing he has done and does not regret his past.
    *Weapon skills- Can use swords(preferably his customized scimitar), Salén Pins, and Coorán'Lóh Blades very well.
    *Learning- He has always been able to learn and adapt very easily to anything including weapon skills or harsh weather.

Weaknesses:
    *Fear- People that know his past fear him for what he has done, Because of this he doesn't have many friends or people that will help him. Also, this causes him to not get as many requests for assassinations or for bounty kills because people are afraid of his work.
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly. This has been proven to hinder him by making him sick or injured longer than usual.
    *Persistent- Even if odds are grim, he won't give up no matter what. (re word this part, it sounds like a strength the way you have it worded)  Even if he uses stealth, he gets in regular fights very often. This has led to him many times to almost being dead.
    *Always moving- He's always moving so he has no time to settle and get use to one place, thus he never knows where anything is and gets lost easily. (I am failing to see how this is a weakness, your character is an assassin and does not need to settle down)

History:
    He grew up disliked by everyone except his parents, that he knew of, including his older brother. Although he was hated, he did better than anyone else at learning how to use weapons, read and write, and even to use stealth skills. As he grew up he started wondering why he was on this earth and what was his purpose. Then he overheard his parents talking about how they hated him ever since he was born. From then on he decided to stick to his work and not have as much fun as he used to. He also decided tahat when he grew up, he was going to regret nothing and kill people for a living. At the age of 26, his parents bought him a customized scimitar because they were starting to train him to fight. It was customized how he wanted by making it longer and less curved but still kinda thin. He learned to use this well very fast, so his dad decided to show him what salén pins were. After he was through training with them, he became a hunter and started developing very good stealth and quick kills. At the age of 89, he killed his parents and brother for how they treated him and betrayed him. Even though others see him as evil, he is just getting revenge for his troubled and unwanted childhood. His words to why he killed his family is I wanted to see how deep my "container" was. Although no one new what he meant, they didn't want to ask anymore about it.
    After he killed his family, he left the tribe and was never seen there from then on out. He became a hired assassin with a secret past behind him. He worked for 8 years before by some coorán'lóh blades to fit his shoes. He trained himself to use these for the next 5 years, while living off money he aquired in the last 8 years. After that he resumed being a assassin and was not bothered much, until he was 198, then a bartender asked this question, while serving him a drink, "Are your parents proud of what you do?"
    Not exactly, but they don't know that i do this job. he replied.
    "Why havent you told them what you do?" the bartender asked.
    Taking a drink from his glass, he then replied Because I can't tell them what I do for a living on account of something I did causing me to get exiled from the tribe.
    "What was that?" the bartender inquired with a wondering voice.
    He drank the rest of his drink and slammed his glass down cracking it almost all the way through. I killed my entire family at the age of 89.
    After this, everyone that learned of his past started calling him "the Unborn" because he did not seem human to have no regret for killing your own family and so many people for no reason. He then left the town he was in and started moving from town to town never staying longer than 25 years anywhere. He sometimes did end up in a town he had visited before but no one recognized him. While in town he would find a bar after about a week of looking. When he found it he would go to the bar and order the same drink he always did and when done he would turn around and yell If anyone needs to hire me as a assassin or bounty hunter, then leave a note with the bartender and I will visit him each day looking for any and all notes addressed to me.
    He would then lelave and go off into the crowd of people and disappear and appear at exactly midnight and gather the notes and then complete the requests in less than a week, except certain ones that required much travel that would take longer.

Weapons:
    *Salén Pin- Was showed to him by his dad when he was 49 and he choose to use them while his dad taught him somewhat how to use them. He got better on his own with his own training course for them he built.
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- He bought these himself at the age of 97 and learned to use them on his own.
    *Modified Scimitar- Given to him as his 26th birthday present. It's modified by making the blade longer and a little less curved while still keeping it slim. This was made at his request.

Belongings:
    *His weapons.
    *His clothes.
    *A sack for all his money.

Here you go that should be enough for now, once again welcome to Santharia. Navar


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 18, 2007, 01:44:54 PM
All changes integrated and colored. I amready for another comment or two from anyone willing to give advice. Please and thank you.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Navar The Rogue Assassin on January 19, 2007, 03:01:40 AM
Weaknesses:
    *Fear- People that know his past fear him for what he has done, Because of this he doesn't have many friends or people that will help him. Also, this causes him to not get as many requests for assassinations or for bounty kills because people are afraid of his work. (most assassin's work alone and only care about them selves, apart from the Coorhem, many assassins prefer to be alone)
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly. This has been proven to hinder him by making him sick or injured longer than usual.
    *Persistent- Due to always being persistent, he has almost killed himself several times and has lost many deals on items and merchandise.
    *Weak Immune- Due to an ingrown immune system, he is suseptible to poisons, toxins, and diseases more than the usual elf.

As of now your weaknesses do not off set your strengths, you will need to come up with a couple extra weaknesses.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 19, 2007, 07:48:12 AM
Is this a better rework on my S&W's?


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 20, 2007, 10:02:26 AM
i know its only been about a day but could i get a comment on my CD but no hurry so take your time.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Lesalendral on January 20, 2007, 10:15:55 AM
Looks good to me, I think your almost there.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Leida Kereborn on January 20, 2007, 12:18:35 PM
Just a suggestion, but you don't need to put actions and your character's words in different colors.  Edits during the approval process, of course, can be colored (i.e. Edits thanks to This Guy in pink) but other things within the CD should just be plain text.  Otherwise, it gets a little complicated to read, all in technicolor.  You can just use quotations marks ("") for speech and the rest in regular white.  It's much cleaner-looking.

All right, time for a Uri-check!  (I've done so many of these lately, it's crazy! :D)  Comments in teal.


    Yellow = Changes
    Blue = Chat By Me
    Red = Actions
 See above note.
Name:
    Devien Lionhart.  I do like the name Devien...not very Elven, but it's neat.

Gender:
    Male.

Age:
    273.

Height:
    1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans, 8 Nailsbreadths, 4 Grains.  Not a huge thing, but I don't think you need to be so specific.  But you don't need to change it.

Weight:
    1 pygge, 4 hebs, 3 ods.

Eye Color:
    Black.

Hair Color:
    Nor'sidian- 2 Palmspans, 1 Grain length in back while gradually working to 7 Nailsbreadths, and 3 Grains in front. All but the front is naturally spiked sorta leaning backwards when he wakes up.  This is hard to visualize with exact measurements.  Be a little more general here, like, "His hair is long in the back, falling to the nape of his neck, but grows gradually shoter as it reaches his cheeks and eyes."  Also, I don't think Eophyrhim have shortish hair like that.  It's normally long and wild, with braids through out, and natural spiking isn't..really possible.

Race:
    Elf.

Tribe:
    Eophyrhim Elf.

Occupation:
    Assassin, Bounty Hunter.

Title:
    The Unborn.  Ooh, creepy.  Make sure to explain this title in the history, as "the unborn" isn't something one normally hears.

Overview:
    From the looks of him, one would not guess this man's troubled and gruesome past. He has grown into a expert assassin and doesn't regret any of his sins  They're not sins if he doesn't regret them. ;). If asked, this man would say "I enjoy what I do for a living". Even though to most this makes no sense, to him it makes perfect sense  This sentence is unnecessary.  The statement makes perfect sense; people may not think he's entirely great to be around because of it, but it makes sense.. He moves in the night very swiftly and silently. Even though his hair is not tied, it has never given him away Also unnecessary.  The Eophyrhim rarely tie their hair. He always sticks to the shadows and never reveals himself in the light at night while on a mission.   

Physical Appearance:
    He is a tall and slender elf. He is always seen wearing a color? cloak with a hood on it. From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man  Is he a weak and fragile man?  Maybe tack on "...a weak and fragile man; on the contrary, he is quite strong, his sinuous muscles rippling just beneath the skin."  Well, that last bit was from the Eophyrhim entry, but still.. A grey scarf dangles from his neck that is just barely over the ground  This seems rather inconvenient, especially for an assassin.  A scarf that long would get caught in things, and be highly visible streaking behind him in the night.  Most assassins were tight-fitting clothes for easier movement.. He has a tattoo of a lone mithral wolf on a snowy mountain sitting and howling at a full moon on his back. He also has a hawk soaring in the open sky on each of his upper arms. On his legs, there is a tattoo of the Eophyrhim hunting hound on each one. Also on his chest, there is a tattoo of a frost dragon curling around staring straight out with spine chilling eyes.  These tattoos seem a little excessive.  I'm not saying he shouldn't have any at all, of course, but I don't know if Santharian tattoo artists have the ability to paint such intricate, multicolored designs on skin.  They don't have sophisticated tattoo parlors, after all.  And why does he have so many tattoos?  What do they mean to him? He also has 3 piercing on his right ear and 2 piecrings on his left ear.
 Space between segments.
Clothes:
    He is always wearing a Nor'sidian cloak with a hood. Under his cloak, he is wearing a Nor'sidian cloth shirt and pants. He wears Nor'sidian dyed animal hide shoes. He also wears a
grey scarf that is very long but just short enough that when standing its just barely above the ground.  You can just say black, instead of Nor'sidian each time.  It'll read smoother.

Personality:
    "A very grim look on life" is what most people  What people? say his personality is like. He says that he doesn't have a grim outlook,but he says that he has grown out of his naive life and has gone into the true nature destined for all living beings, which is to become the one on top of the food chain and show that you are more superior compared to thers. When one asks why, he responds I did it because i found out my true destiny and took it into my own hands and turning it into what I wanted. Also, why hold back your true power when you can show the whole world what you are capable of. sneering with a sinister laugh. Most people avoid him because they don't want to get on his bad side which is easy to get on. He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die, even if it is not there true time to go.
 This whole section is a little confusing, a lot of run-on sentences and miscommunications.  I can see where you're going, but it needs clarification.  Why did he decide that was a person's true destiny?  What's his "true power"?  How would people know it's easy to get on his bad side if they avoid him?  He seems like he could be a little more rounded; right now he's just a sinister guy with a megalomaniacal streak.  Maybe he's tender-hearted to other Elves, or likes kittens or long moonlit walks, you know, whatever.  Nobody's just one things. ;)

Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill people without theirknowledge and to conceal himself in the shadows.
    *Agility- Can run long distances without tiring and can also swing even some of the heavy blades relatively fast.  These aren't agility skills.  Agility is being flexible, able to, say, run and leap onto a high branch without difficulty, hold one's balance, etc.  Running long distances is endurance, and swing a heavy blade quickly is strength and a steady hand.  Also, how long of a distance can he run?  A day?  A few strals?  The Eophyrhim aren't known for extreme endurance, so don't go too overboard.
    *No Feeling- He doesn't feel regret for all of the killing he has done and does not regret his past.  This doesn't seem like a strength.  This just seems like a character trait.  Perhaps you could say that he invests no emotion in his killing?  It's a little unreasonable to say he has no feelings.
    *Weapon skills- Can use swords(preferably his customized scimitar), Salén Pins, and Coorán'Lóh Blades very well.  All swords?  Maybe just his scimitar.
    *Learning- He has always been able to learn and adapt very easily to anything including weapon skills or harsh weather.  I would phrase this as "Adaptation" instead, as "Learning" is an activity, not a skill.  Also, adaptation is what you're describing. ;)

Weaknesses:
    *Big Crowds- He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd, and when in one, he get nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.  Why?  Is he claustrophobic, afraid of people?
    *Speaking- Never been able to speak to people that well since he left his tribe, the only time he speaks to people is when he is talking one-on-one or yelling, but usually leaves right after done talking due to how nervous he gets.  This isn't really a weakness for someone who spends his time by himself and, on top of that, is an assassin.  His only really necessary speaking skills would be for his clients.
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly. This has been proven to hinder him by making him sick or injured longer than usual.  Last sentence is unnecessary.
    *Persistent- Due to always being persistent, he has almost killed himself several times and has lost many deals on items and merchandise.  I don't know about this one either.  Persistence can be a strength, too.  You may want to ask a higher-up, like Kain Cristar.
    *Weak Immune- Due to an ingrown immune system, he is suseptible to poisons, toxins, and diseases more than the usual elf.  From the Eophyrhim entry: "They may also capture creatures and poison them, so they may eat the animal when the poison has worked effectively. This process has made them well-defended against most poisons."  So having your Eophyrhim Elf susceptible to poisons wouldn't make sense.

History:
    He grew up disliked by everyone except his parents, that he knew of, including his older brother.  Why?  A really good reason is needed here, as a) no one is born hated by everyone, and b) the Eophyrhim are proud of their culture and their society, and wouldn't just shun one of their own.  Perhaps he was born in a strange manner, or has some mark that they think is cursed?  I don't know.  Although he was hated, he did better than anyone else at learning how to use weapons, read and write, and even to use stealth skills.  Again, how?  If eveyone hated him, who taught him? As he grew up he started wondering why he was on this earth and what was his purpose. Then he overheard his parents talking about how they hated him ever since he was born. From then on he decided to stick to his work and not have as much fun as he used to  When did he have fun before, if everyone hated him?  I think this universal hate isn't really feasible.  Somebody has to like him, even if it's only, say, a hunting dog.. He also decided tahat when he grew up, he was going to regret nothing and was kill people for a living  Whoa there, how did he decide that?. At the age of 26, his parents bought him a customized scimitar because they were starting to train him to fight  Even though they hated him...?. It was customized how he wanted by making it longer and less curved but still kinda thin  Where did they find this customized scimitar?  And are you describing a katana...?. He learned to use this well  and fast, so his dad decided to show him what salén pins were  Again, if his parents hate him, why are they showing him all this cool stuff?. After he was through training with them, he became a hunter and started developing very good stealth and quick kills. At the age of 89, he killed his parents and brother for how they treated him and betrayed him  What?  Why?  This is sudden and random!  There should be an event there that makes him snap; randomly killing his parents is, well, random.. Even though others see him as evil, he is just getting revenge for his troubled and unwanted childhood. Revenge on the rest of the world?  His words to why he killed his family is I wanted to see how deep my "container" was. Although no one new what he meant, they didn't want to ask anymore about it.  What...container?
    After he killed his family, he left the tribe  Why? and was never seen there from then on out. He became a hired assassin  Where did he go? with a secret past behind him. He worked for 8 years before buying some coorán'lóh blades to fit his shoes. He trained himself to use these for the next 5 years  Would it really take 5 years to learn to use blades in your boots?, while living off money he aquired in the last 8 years. After that he resumed being an assassin and was not bothered much  Why would he be bothered in the first place?, until he was 198, then a bartender asked this question, while serving him a drink, "Are your parents proud of what you do?"  Again, see top note for dialogue and colors.
    Not exactly, but they don't know that i do this job. he replied.
    "Why havent you told them what you do?" the bartender asked.  Does the bartender know he's an assassin?  If so, why would he be asking these questions?
    Taking a drink from his glass, he then replied Because I can't tell them what I do for a living on account of something I did causing me to get exiled from the tribe.
    "What was that?" the bartender inquired with a wondering voice.
    He drank the rest of his drink and slammed his glass down cracking it almost all the way through. I killed my entire family at the age of 89.
    After this, everyone that learned of his past started calling him "the Unborn" because he did not seem human to have no regret for killing your own family  Breaking a glass like that seems show an emotion and so many people for no reason  I don't know, the Unborn still doesn't seem to fit. It makes me think of zombies.. He then left the town he was in and started moving from town to town never staying longer than 25 years anywhere.  25 years is a long time, especially since many towns in Santharia are primarily human.  That's almost half a human lifespan!  Someone would notice this brooding guy if he was there for that long. He sometimes did end up in a town he had visited before but no one recognized him  Why not?. While in town he would find a bar after about a week of looking. When he found it he would go to the bar and order the same drink he always did and when done he would turn around and yell If anyone needs to hire me as a assassin or bounty hunter, then leave a note with the bartender and I will visit him each day looking for any and all notes addressed to me.  This is unrealistic.  An assassin would not announce to the world he was an assassin.  It would get him killed.  He must be surreptitious and stealthy, that is the nature of assassin work.   This is something a boisterous pirate or mercenary looking for work might do.  Not someone who requires the shadows to do his job.
    He would then lelave and go off into the crowd of people and disappear and appear at exactly midnight and gather the notes and then complete the requests in less than a week, except certain ones that required much travel that would take longer.
 There are a lot of holes here, but nothing that can't be fixed.  Round your guy out.  Right now he just seems unreasonably angst-y; sure he had a bad childhood but it's almost unbelievable.  He's not a preteen, after all, but a mature and wise Elf. :)

Weapons:
    *Salén Pin- Was showed to him by his dad when he was 49 and he choose to use them while his dad taught him somewhat how to use them. He got better on his own with his own training course for them he built.
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- He bought these himself at the age of 97 and learned to use them on his own.
    *Modified Scimitar- Given to him as his 26th birthday present. It's modified by making the blade longer and a little less curved while still keeping it slim. This was made at his request.

Belongings:
    *His weapons.
    *His clothes.
    *A sack for all his money.

 It's coming along.  Things need tweaking and editing, but it'll get there.  And spellcheck spellcheck spellcheck!


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 21, 2007, 05:09:32 AM
No time for indepth check, but the name, both First and Sur don't seem very elven.  I would suggest changing them(especially the surname to something more Styrash


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 21, 2007, 12:38:45 PM
Ok well a certain part i can't fix until I have this question answered. What god do the Eophyrhim elves worship? What I need it for, which I ouldn't find in race page, was that he had a resemblance of the opposite good or some sign of that god as to show a bad omen for the tribe.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Leida Kereborn on January 21, 2007, 02:45:26 PM
It's there on the page, though it may not say it explicitly.  Usually festivals are an easy way to see which god they celebrate.  If that doesn't answer your question, do a little research on dark elves in general.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 21, 2007, 03:20:21 PM
well i did some research but i didn't find anything but how they act i think they go after cooŕ. if not please someone that knows tell me.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 21, 2007, 03:24:53 PM
ok ive made all changes including one i needed some research on so may i please get another comment or 2 when someone gets around to it? please and thank you.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Leida Kereborn on January 22, 2007, 01:37:37 AM
While I'm flattered you find my prose good enough to integrate into your CD edits, please don't lift the words I wrote directly from the page.  I'm not offended by it or anything, but using someone else's suggestions and words exactly won't show the mods how creative and eloquent you are, and that's the whole point! ;)  I was just giving you ideas for how I thought things would read smoother.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 22, 2007, 06:35:41 AM
i reworded it where i just copied you and thank you for letting me know but i only did that because i didnt have time to come up with something and just put something there for now so thank you for reminding me to change. Now  maby I have another comment or may i be approved?


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 23, 2007, 12:38:54 PM
I decided that I should probably get back to helping on this side of the board and you are lucky enough to be my test dummy!  I'm a bit rusty so bear with me.  My comments will be in orange.

Name:
    *Current Name = Weivóc Neán(destiny end)[he changed it to this as to let people know his destiny was at an end because he controled his life instead of destiny] (I don't think that the grammar is right here.  I believe it would look something like Weivoc'Nean)
    *True Name: Raugií Avá[pure one(Unfortunately, the word "Ava" can onlt be used in reference to the Goddess or the Numberal One[as in one cow ect.]  Thus you will need to find a different word, or ask someone on the Dev to create one.)].

Gender:
    Male.

Age:
    273.

Height:
    1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans(This is a bit to exact.  If you wish to keep it like this, you will need to explain how you measured yourself so closely.  I would suggest saying "Approximately a ped in two fores.  In addition, this is short for his tribe.  You might want to bump his height up.).

Weight:
    1 pygge, 4 hebs, 3 ods.

Eye Color:
    Black.

Hair Color:
    Nor'sidian- (Everything after this should be put in the description section.  These primary sections are created for the sole purpose of providing fellow Rpers the ability to describe your character quickly.  Such a (relatively) lengthy description defeats the purpose) His hair falls down to his shoulder blades in the back, gradually shortening while heading to his face where it only goes down just below his eyes.

Race:
    Elf.

Tribe:
    Eophyrhim Elf.

Occupation:
    Assassin, Bounty Hunter.

Title:
    The Unborn.

Overview:
    From the looks of him, one would not guess this man's  troubled and gruesome past. He has grown into a expert assassin. If asked, this man would say "I enjoy what I do for a living". He moves in the night very swiftly and silently. Even though his hair is sort of long, it has never given him away. He always sticks to the shadows and never reveals himself at night while on a mission.   

Physical Appearance:
    He is tall and slender. He is always seen wearing a cloak with a hood on it(move below). From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man, even though he is actually strong but his body structure decieves the eye and gives him a different appearence(Wow!  What a run-on.  Might I suggest something along the lines of "Looking at his body structure, one would assume that the Eophyrhim is a frail man, but that is not the case.  Instead, hidden beneath his frail structure, he is quite strong."). A black scarf dangles from his neck that is just barely over the ground; but, this has never hindered him in his missions. He has some tattoos that are just the drawings and not colored in. He has a tattoo of a lone mithral wolf on his back. He also has a hawk soaring on each of his upper arms. On his legs, there is a tattoo of the Eophyrhim hunting hound on each one. Also on his chest, there is a tattoo of a frost dragon(There is no such thing as a "Frost Dragon" atm as it does not have an entry.  Look into Blue Drakes, Ice Drakes ect to find a replacement) curling around staring straight out with spine chilling eyes. He also has 3 piercing on his right ear and 2 piecrings on his left ear.  (First, I would like to see all mentions of clothes removed from here(aside from earings and other piercings) as they belong in the section below.  Secondly, you have possibly the king of all run-ons for your first sentence.  Also, this section needs to be lengthened considerably.  What you have here is bare bones.  Just as a tip, I would suggest envisioning your character from head to toe and then providing a solid paragraph on each major section of the body.  Also, it appears that you paraphrased the appearance section for the Eophyorhim Elves.  What makes your character distinguishable amoung his people.  Aside from the typical "brutish piercings and tattooing of his tribe, what makes his appearance unique?  Maybe he has a birth mark on his back?  does he have pale or dark skin?  Are his eyes round or almond shape?  Details like that help bring a character to life.)

Clothes:
    He is always wearing a black cloak with a hood. Under his cloak, he is wearing a black cloth shirt and pants. He wears black dyed animal hide shoes. He also wears a black scarf that is very long but just short enough that when standing its just barely above the ground.  (This clothing isn't very tribal.  While his tribe is known for its capes, they are not similar to what you describe.  Eophyrhim's pride themselves on being elaborate and even their poorer social classes dress extravegantly.  For specifics, consult the tribe entry under the appropriate heading.)

Personality:
    "A very grim look on life" is what anyone thats knows him says his personality is like. He says that he doesn't have a grim outlook,but he says that he has grown out of his naive life and has gone into the true nature destined for all living beings, which is to become the one on top of the food chain and show that you are more superior compared to thers. He thinks this because this is what he has always been told(No!  Elves, even dark elves believe in a symbiosis with other living creatures.  Death is a part of the cycle and is therefore welcomed.  No one would "fight" to be "at the top of the food chain" in their culture."). When one asks why, he responds "I did it because i found out my true destiny and took it into my own hands and turning it into what I wanted. Also, why hold back your true power when you can show the whole world what you are capable of. By true power, I mean your full and complete strength you can use,(see above)" sneering with a sinister laugh. Most people avoid him because they don't want to get on his bad side which is easy to get on(Not very like his tribe either.  While they are generally avoided, its because they are taken as barbaric, not becuase they are tempermental.  Actually, they are reowned for being polite, calm and respectful.  Also, Elves are not prone to lashing out irrationally all the time as it does not fix their modus operandi.  Thus, I would suggest changing the character to a human as it is more plausible to have such a personality). People know about this from where he killed someone for just talking in a wrong tone to him(see above). He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die(Mindless slaughter is not very elven. Your personality most definatly does not describe an elf.). Though no one knows it but him, he has a soft spot for wolves and foxes and will not abandon one in danger or that is injured.

Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill people without their knowledge and to conceal himself in the shadows.
    *Strength- Able to swing any blade fast no watter the weight(Oh really?  So your character can swing a 2000 pound blade at fast rates? =P).
    *Endurance- Able to run long distances and able to last long through fights.
    *Weapon skills- Can use swords(preferably his customized scimitar), Salén Pins, and Coorán'Lóh Blades very well.(Each of these should be listed as it's own strength along with his skill in each, defining how great of a strength it is.  Also, these are not weapons that he would use either.  While scimitar makes sense, Salen Pins and Coranloh Blades aren't something he would have come in contact with.  Maybe a bow instead.  Also, Eophyrhim's favor poison.  Why does your character not use some?)
    *Adaptable- He has always been able to learn and adapt very easily to anything including weapon skills or harsh weather.
(In addition, your tribe as an innate resistance to poisons.  This should be listed as a strength)
Weaknesses:
    *Nervousness- He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd, and when in one, he get nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.(Why is this not in his personality?)
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly(Elves heal quickly).
    *Persistent- Due to always being persistent, he has almost killed himself several times and has lost many deals on items and merchandise.
    *Weak Immune- Due to an ingrown immune system, he is susceptible to poisons, toxins, and diseases more than the usual elf. He has not grown immune to poison like a normal Eophyrhim elf, because he has never used poison on an enemy except to poison people, and not to catch animals.(Double no.  Firstly, his tribe is immune to poisons.  Secondly, elves rarely catch diseases and heal faster than humans, thus making them practically immune.  Thus this weakness doesn't really make sense)

Right now, you are extremely unbalanced.  Add many more weaknesses as you have many great strenghts and only a few small weaknesses.

History:
 
Don't have time to do a read through here, but I will eventually.

Weapons:
    *Salén Pin- Was showed to him by his dad when he was 49 and he choose to use them while his dad taught him somewhat how to use them. He got better on his own with his own training course for them he built. (These weapons would NOT under any cicumstances befound within his homeland.  If he ever came in contact with them, it would be after he left.  The tribe only uses bows and scimitars and has a slight Xenophobia, not allowing traders into their lands)
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- He bought these himself at the age of 97 and learned to use them on his own. (See above)
    *Modified Scimitar- Given to him as his 26th birthday present. It's modified by making the blade longer and a little less curved while still keeping it slim. This was made at his request.

(Nearly all weapons found in the tribe are traditionally painted Black or Silver.  Why are yours not?)

Belongings:
    *His weapons.
    *His clothes.
    *A sack for all his money.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 25, 2007, 07:23:00 AM
Alright I've done what I think needs to be done.

p.s. @Drasil - The reason for the nothing like an Eophyrhim, or for a matter of fact somewhat not like an elf, is because I was told my character should be unique. So I thought, why not make him not much like what he is supposed to be and make him something almost completely different and somewhat opposite? So yeah, thats why he is like he is because I've heard "...your character should be very unique...".


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: lukecash on January 25, 2007, 07:35:51 AM
I personally think you can make your character more interesting and make him seem alive by telling why he is so grim, and most likely showing that even HE has a bit of remorse for all of his deeds...


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 25, 2007, 07:47:31 AM
He is supposed to seem dead inside and also he doesnt show remorse because he partly believes he is Death's Right Hand doing his deeds.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: lukecash on January 25, 2007, 07:52:45 AM
Hmmm, it just doesn't seem like the point of cd's is to make a nonflexible, chance mistake of creation, like the fact that all assassins have some remorse on the earth we live in. It just doesn't fit into the economic or ethics and physics system. Everything worships the dreamer in this world in some way, maybe your character likes her counterpart, and thinks Coor is out to save her from the endless dream. And maybe your character pities those that he has to kill in order to help Coor.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 25, 2007, 07:55:39 AM
The only remorse he has is for the death of wolves.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 25, 2007, 09:42:31 AM
I've changed it to match what someone told me to so can i get a check on it mainly my history and personality? Please and thank you, but just so you know im not in a rush so when you get the time check if you will.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: lukecash on January 25, 2007, 12:33:03 PM
Maybe you could say why he has a soft spot for wolves, such as feeling akin to them, philosophically and spiritually, somehow he feels that he wanders constantly, and he doesn't see why his weak instincts always want him to live like a mortal...


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 28, 2007, 11:49:09 AM
Its been 3 days since last comment but I'm not pushing so when ya get around to it please take a little time to leave another comment.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Kaldez’Yadra on January 28, 2007, 12:00:53 PM
Other then a few spelling and grammar mistakes it's pretty good but
you need to balance your strengths/weaknesses to atleast a 1 to 1 ratio
not to be nit picky but you have 7 strengths and 6 weaknesses


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 29, 2007, 01:49:55 AM
Devien, I came back here to give you another check, only to find that half of my comments were not integrated and no explanation at all, leet alone any valid reasoning, was provided as to why they were not changed.  Its customary to address ALL comments before begging for more.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 30, 2007, 07:41:04 AM
I am going to point out what i fixed even though you say i fixed less than half.

I decided that I should probably get back to helping on this side of the board and you are lucky enough to be my test dummy!  I'm a bit rusty so bear with me.  My comments will be in orange.

Name:
    *Current Name = Weivóc Neán(destiny end)[he changed it to this as to let people know his destiny was at an end because he controled his life instead of destiny] (I don't think that the grammar is right here.  I believe it would look something like Weivoc'Nean)
    *True Name: Raugií Avá[pure one(Unfortunately, the word "Ava" can onlt be used in reference to the Goddess or the Numberal One[as in one cow ect.]  Thus you will need to find a different word, or ask someone on the Dev to create one.)].
i fixed this so i should be fine

Gender:
    Male.

Age:
    273.

Height:
    1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans(This is a bit to exact.  If you wish to keep it like this, you will need to explain how you measured yourself so closely.  I would suggest saying "Approximately a ped in two fores.  In addition, this is short for his tribe.  You might want to bump his height up.).
i also fixed this so be happy

Weight:
    1 pygge, 4 hebs, 3 ods.

Eye Color:
    Black.

Hair Color:
    Nor'sidian- (Everything after this should be put in the description section.  These primary sections are created for the sole purpose of providing fellow Rpers the ability to describe your character quickly.  Such a (relatively) lengthy description defeats the purpose) His hair falls down to his shoulder blades in the back, gradually shortening while heading to his face where it only goes down just below his eyes.
moved this down as recommended

Race:
    Elf.

Tribe:
    Eophyrhim Elf.

Occupation:
    Assassin, Bounty Hunter.

Title:
    The Unborn.

Overview:
    From the looks of him, one would not guess this man's  troubled and gruesome past. He has grown into a expert assassin. If asked, this man would say "I enjoy what I do for a living". He moves in the night very swiftly and silently. Even though his hair is sort of long, it has never given him away. He always sticks to the shadows and never reveals himself at night while on a mission.   

Physical Appearance:
    He is tall and slender. He is always seen wearing a cloak with a hood on it(move below). From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man, even though he is actually strong but his body structure decieves the eye and gives him a different appearence(Wow!  What a run-on.  Might I suggest something along the lines of "Looking at his body structure, one would assume that the Eophyrhim is a frail man, but that is not the case.  Instead, hidden beneath his frail structure, he is quite strong."). A black scarf dangles from his neck that is just barely over the ground; but, this has never hindered him in his missions. He has some tattoos that are just the drawings and not colored in. He has a tattoo of a lone mithral wolf on his back. He also has a hawk soaring on each of his upper arms. On his legs, there is a tattoo of the Eophyrhim hunting hound on each one. Also on his chest, there is a tattoo of a frost dragon(There is no such thing as a "Frost Dragon" atm as it does not have an entry.  Look into Blue Drakes, Ice Drakes ect to find a replacement) curling around staring straight out with spine chilling eyes. He also has 3 piercing on his right ear and 2 piecrings on his left ear.  (First, I would like to see all mentions of clothes removed from here(aside from earings and other piercings) as they belong in the section below.  Secondly, you have possibly the king of all run-ons for your first sentence.  Also, this section needs to be lengthened considerably.  What you have here is bare bones.  Just as a tip, I would suggest envisioning your character from head to toe and then providing a solid paragraph on each major section of the body.  Also, it appears that you paraphrased the appearance section for the Eophyorhim Elves.  What makes your character distinguishable amoung his people.  Aside from the typical "brutish piercings and tattooing of his tribe, what makes his appearance unique?  Maybe he has a birth mark on his back?  does he have pale or dark skin?  Are his eyes round or almond shape?  Details like that help bring a character to life.)
im on fixing this as what you suggest will take precious time which i have had little of lately

Clothes:
    He is always wearing a black cloak with a hood. Under his cloak, he is wearing a black cloth shirt and pants. He wears black dyed animal hide shoes. He also wears a black scarf that is very long but just short enough that when standing its just barely above the ground.  (This clothing isn't very tribal.  While his tribe is known for its capes, they are not similar to what you describe.  Eophyrhim's pride themselves on being elaborate and even their poorer social classes dress extravegantly.  For specifics, consult the tribe entry under the appropriate heading.)
i fixed this up some so just need this check again

Personality:
    "A very grim look on life" is what anyone thats knows him says his personality is like. He says that he doesn't have a grim outlook,but he says that he has grown out of his naive life and has gone into the true nature destined for all living beings, which is to become the one on top of the food chain and show that you are more superior compared to thers. He thinks this because this is what he has always been told(No!  Elves, even dark elves believe in a symbiosis with other living creatures.  Death is a part of the cycle and is therefore welcomed.  No one would "fight" to be "at the top of the food chain" in their culture."). When one asks why, he responds "I did it because i found out my true destiny and took it into my own hands and turning it into what I wanted. Also, why hold back your true power when you can show the whole world what you are capable of. By true power, I mean your full and complete strength you can use,(see above)" sneering with a sinister laugh. Most people avoid him because they don't want to get on his bad side which is easy to get on(Not very like his tribe either.  While they are generally avoided, its because they are taken as barbaric, not becuase they are tempermental.  Actually, they are reowned for being polite, calm and respectful.  Also, Elves are not prone to lashing out irrationally all the time as it does not fix their modus operandi.  Thus, I would suggest changing the character to a human as it is more plausible to have such a personality). People know about this from where he killed someone for just talking in a wrong tone to him(see above). He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die(Mindless slaughter is not very elven. Your personality most definatly does not describe an elf.). Though no one knows it but him, he has a soft spot for wolves and foxes and will not abandon one in danger or that is injured.
as i stated he is and has always been diferent as he has always just thought this ay for some reason. its like why do you think like you do? its just how you are.

Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill people without their knowledge and to conceal himself in the shadows.
    *Strength- Able to swing any blade fast no watter the weight(Oh really?  So your character can swing a 2000 pound blade at fast rates? =P).
fixed this
    *Endurance- Able to run long distances and able to last long through fights.
    *Weapon skills- Can use swords(preferably his customized scimitar), Salén Pins, and Coorán'Lóh Blades very well.(Each of these should be listed as it's own strength along with his skill in each, defining how great of a strength it is.  Also, these are not weapons that he would use either.  While scimitar makes sense, Salen Pins and Coranloh Blades aren't something he would have come in contact with.  Maybe a bow instead.  Also, Eophyrhim's favor poison.  Why does your character not use some?)
as stated my caracter is different and for some reason did not like them as he did not believe in them thus making him have little resistance except the little gained when his mother was pregnant and ate food with it. Also i stated reasons in history as to how he got the weapons
    *Adaptable- He has always been able to learn and adapt very easily to anything including weapon skills or harsh weather.
(In addition, your tribe as an innate resistance to poisons.  This should be listed as a strength)
as stated he didnt believe in them and only ate food without poisons thus giving him no resistance
Weaknesses:
    *Nervousness- He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd, and when in one, he get nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.(Why is this not in his personality?)
added to personality
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly(Elves heal quickly).
he is different then most elf thus giving him different features of physical and mental
    *Persistent- Due to always being persistent, he has almost killed himself several times and has lost many deals on items and merchandise.
    *Weak Immune- Due to an ingrown immune system, he is susceptible to poisons, toxins, and diseases more than the usual elf. He has not grown immune to poison like a normal Eophyrhim elf, because he has never used poison on an enemy except to poison people, and not to catch animals.(Double no.  Firstly, his tribe is immune to poisons.  Secondly, elves rarely catch diseases and heal faster than humans, thus making them practically immune.  Thus this weakness doesn't really make sense)
as stated before he is different physically

Right now, you are extremely unbalanced.  Add many more weaknesses as you have many great strenghts and only a few small weaknesses.
as stated before time has been of shortage for me lately so working on

History:
 
Don't have time to do a read through here, but I will eventually.
i dont mind i should be fine but look when you get time and feel like doing so

Weapons:
    *Salén Pin- Was showed to him by his dad when he was 49 and he choose to use them while his dad taught him somewhat how to use them. He got better on his own with his own training course for them he built. (These weapons would NOT under any cicumstances befound within his homeland.  If he ever came in contact with them, it would be after he left.  The tribe only uses bows and scimitars and has a slight Xenophobia, not allowing traders into their lands)
ive changed to get later after he left with reasonable excuse in history
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- He bought these himself at the age of 97 and learned to use them on his own. (See above)
see above red
    *Modified Scimitar- Given to him as his 26th birthday present. It's modified by making the blade longer and a little less curved while still keeping it slim. This was made at his request.

(Nearly all weapons found in the tribe are traditionally painted Black or Silver.  Why are yours not?)
i never said anything about color and even if i did maybe like ive said a few times, he is different thus making him want different colors but i havent said anything about colors of weapons

Belongings:
    *His weapons.
    *His clothes.
    *A sack for all his money.

i know i sound like im fussing but ive had little time at home with my programs i use and stuff so havent been able to fix some things but ive fixed over half the things you asked me to.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: lukecash on January 30, 2007, 08:45:01 AM
Really, his point is not to ask for more comments when you still have discrepancies to fix.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 30, 2007, 08:49:44 AM
i know but i only had those 2 left to fix and yeh i was just asking about other stuff that was ficed or maybe aobut history which he didnt get time to check. And yeh im done with those 2 now so can i get comments.


Title: Re: Devien // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 30, 2007, 09:37:08 AM
...We had this discussion on IRC, but I guess we will have to make it public.  Your character can't stop being Elven just because he wants to.  It doesn't matter that he's different...its just the way he is.  If you want him to have the personality and traits you have, make him human, otherwise make him an elf.  Trust me, it won't get approved like this.  My first CD was prevented from being approved for half a month because I said he was different than most elves.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on January 31, 2007, 09:40:17 AM
Ok, I posted new personality. Can i get a look over my CD? Please and thank you.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Kelancey the Green on February 02, 2007, 11:45:04 AM
  Weivoc--better, much better!  Sorry that I can't uri-check just yet, but keep reworking your history...what's the festival?  Why'd he slaughter everyone there, and why were people impressed?  Explain things so that even someone with a 5-year-old's intelligence (me) could understand what's going on.

  Keep revising, and good luck!


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 02, 2007, 09:09:29 PM
Ok, I added a little more detail. I hope that helps explain it better for people. Thank you for the comment Kelancey


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Kelancey the Green on February 03, 2007, 07:34:27 AM
  Coo, Weivoc!  'Ere's Queprur's fellow!  Please accept my comments in green.

"Overview: ...Even though his hair is sort of long, it has never given him away."
Move this to the Physical Appearance section.

"Physical Appearance: ...From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man. Even though he is actually strong, but his body structure deceives the eye and gives him a different appearance.
This has ever been a conundrum.  How about condensing this morass to: "His physique suggests a weak and frail man; however, he is actually very strong."

"He has some tattoos that are just the drawings and not colored in."
Otherwise known as stencils.

"Arms...This is over tight sinuous rippling muscles." "Sinuous" means winding and curved; do you mean "sinewy", lean yet strong?

"These are from long periods of working out and strengthening these muscles in different ways."
If he works out regularly for bodybuilding and dedicated strength, endurance, and speed training, you should include this in his History section.

"Personality:
    Even though he is from a polite and sincere tribe, he has always been different including his personality. He says that he doesn't have a strange outlook. "  This sounds off; how about, "He has always been different; some say he has a strange outlook, though he refutes this commentary vehemently."

"He says we are destined to become very strong, yet compassionate in someway, and show that you are more superior compared to others.  He thinks this because this is what he has always thought, since he has been an outcast."  This doesn't make sense; please rephrase.

"He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd.[period]  When in one, he gets nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.  He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die."  Note that this doesn't make him an assassin, it makes him crazy and antisocial.

"Though no one knows it but him, he has a soft spot for wolves and foxes and will not abandon one in danger or that is injured. This is because he understands their pain and how they are outcasts for no reason. He also think that with power there comes responsibility. His responsibility is to work for people and do their work for them which is killing and murdering people. Otherwise when making idle chat, he is actually quite normal (but you said he's always been different?) and knows much about what’s happening in the world. Also if one asks, he can have the knowledge on anything that is happening around the world but will not have the knowledge of certain person (this is grammatically incorrect)."

  Okay, Weivoc, I know you've put a lot of effort into this character.  You've come a long way, but you've still got a long way to go.  Key points to focus on for your next revision:
  • Consistency--Why do people see him as different if he's normal in idle chat?  Please scan through for other inconsistencies.
  • Believability--Elves are very long-lived, and as a result mental stability is a common trait among almost all of them.  These are certainly elves who torture and kill for sport, but this is to celebrate the hunt and death.  They might not see hunting and killing humans as murder, but rather giving the gift of death to a lesser creature.
  • True to his culture--Weivoc isn't rebelling against his culture, and he's not forming an opposite reaction to his culture, either.  Eophyrhim are dark and secretive--I think you've covered that part--but they're not butchers for the sake of killing everything.  Hmm...think this point over, is all I can say for now.

  You've invested a lot in him already.  I suggest reread the Eophyrhim for *what they're about* and then daydream about Weivoc the Eophyrhim, a hunter of men in the big city.  You're getting there, just keep reworking him.  Good luck!


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: lukecash on February 03, 2007, 11:01:11 AM
Hmmm, ilove that concept, i'd like to be the character who just gets provoked in a crowd and starts massacring every body,how fun...


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: lukecash on February 06, 2007, 08:35:18 AM
Ooooookayyyyyy, you don't need to overreact, i hate it when stupid people just keep talking and talking and you're surrounded by it, and that really wasn't sarcastic, i think it would be pretty cool to just kill a bunch of npc's all of a sudden for fun...


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 06, 2007, 10:10:53 AM
Ok well I'm not gonna go any further with that so can I get a comment or two when someone hsa time. I don't mind wait though.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Kelancey the Green on February 07, 2007, 12:04:09 AM
  Forgive the quick read-through.  It looks like you've addressed the points I mentioned, well done!  I'll ask one of the other mini-mods to give their opinions at this point.  Looking good, from my standpoint.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 07, 2007, 06:30:51 AM
Thank you and I will await the time when they find time and feel like it.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 10, 2007, 06:34:34 AM
Besides some mindless chat and a comment of no errors on someone's watch, I havent had a real comment about the CD with something wrong with it since february 2nd. May I please have a look through by someone? Please and thank you.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Leida Kereborn on February 10, 2007, 09:37:13 AM
Weivoc, I'll read through your CD this weekend.  If I don't, go ahead and send me an angry PM. :)


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 10, 2007, 03:12:06 PM
I don't mind the wait, so far I can tell I'm really close to approval hopefully. And I will send a PM, but not angry, just a reminder PM. Thank you for Letting me know though and taking time to uri-check.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 18, 2007, 01:24:16 PM
It been about a week and a half since last comment saying i had something or nothing wrong. Can I please get one soon? Please and thank you.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on February 18, 2007, 01:52:02 PM
I'm getting to it...

I have had to lots of URI's lately so it is taking me awhile to get to everyone :)


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 18, 2007, 10:47:50 PM
thank you for letting me know you are on your way.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on February 20, 2007, 11:45:41 PM
I just have a question about his title, why "The Unborn?"  I don't really see any references to the meaning of this and it seems quite a strange term to use to refer to someone.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 21, 2007, 07:00:20 AM
It is a very unique word and I thought that I could sue it for this, not knowing anything else. I tried to come up with the best way it could be given to him. I thought maybe they would call him that since he didnt seem really like anything living that they knew of at the time. I can't think up of a good reason but I have always liked that word and would like to use it since it is unique.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 24, 2007, 07:24:32 AM
If needed I can change the title but would like to keep it, but is there anything else I need to change or can I be approved?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 27, 2007, 07:57:19 AM
Still nothing, can I get a look over?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on February 27, 2007, 12:12:44 PM
Hmm...Still seems a bit unbalanced, most of which seems to be derived from his stockpile of weapons.  I'd suggest either deleting some or toning them all down.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bount Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on February 28, 2007, 08:28:02 AM
Ok, I've changed and added a weakness and integrated it into my history, while also integrating another weakness that i forgot to integrate into my history. After the next comment or uri-check, I will reset my color changes so that you can tell what I've changed of recent from this point on.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 06, 2007, 07:32:41 AM
Its been about 6-7 days since i last posted so just bumping so it doesnt get forgotten.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 09, 2007, 06:50:06 AM
It's been 3 days since last post, and its fallen to second page. I also wanted to let you know I changed some more stuff.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on March 09, 2007, 04:09:00 PM
I did wonder why no one really commented. I mean, hello??? Flashing billboard saying *My CD is finished, can I have my approval now????*


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 10, 2007, 06:51:40 AM
It's ok, I'm being patient, for the most part, I'm just trying to keep it off the second page.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on March 10, 2007, 09:02:59 PM
yeah, that's what i'm doing as well.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 15, 2007, 05:51:12 AM
Ok i changed my title and edited history, didnt color history.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 22, 2007, 06:42:42 AM
I am still waiting on a comment, unless Drasil thinks that i havent fully integrated his comment, if so let me know.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: patt0192 on March 22, 2007, 07:07:04 AM
Do you actually have to go through all 3 approval steps or can it go right to an admin?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 22, 2007, 09:08:35 AM
You can sometimes skip the 2nd step, 2+ mods approval. Otherwise, the admins will only check them, unless asked by mods which have given approval to look thourgh. Step 1 and 3 must have, step 2 has been left out sometimes due to lack of mods or mod activity.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 23, 2007, 06:28:27 AM
Ok, I changed a few spelling mistakes, and a few other minor things. Can I get a comment from someone? Anybody?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on March 30, 2007, 07:59:42 AM
Can I please get a comment or something from somebody, its been 7 days since last post, by me and a little over a month since someone else posted commenting my cd.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 02, 2007, 10:45:21 AM
Bumping this up, since i havent gotten a comment. Almost fell to 3rd page. Can I please get a comment or something.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on April 03, 2007, 07:00:42 AM
I'm just taking a look through your CD and I'm noticing some errors in your spelling and grammer. If you re-read it carefully, I'm sure you'll find them easily enough. They're just missed apostraphes and some missed letters.

Quote
He is a tall and slender elf. From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man. Even though he is actually strong, but his body structure deceives the eye and gives him a different appearance.

This phrase is kinda..well...repetative. Perhaps try combining the sentences or leave one out. Something maybe like: Even though his body appears to be weak and fragile, the opposite is actually true.

Quote
He has a hawk soaring on each of his upper arms.

Perhaps you should say that this is a tattoo. When I first read it I was kinda confused, but then I figured it out.

Quote
Also, he has three piercing on his right ear and two piercing on his left ear. Two of the piercing on his right ear, and a piercing on his left ear are dangling diamonds. The other two, one on each ear, are studs.

Didn't you already mention this in your "head" section? I don't think that you need to mention it twice.

And I need to head off to supper so I'll leave you with those notes. I'll be back sometime to give more comments. ^_^


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 03, 2007, 11:25:39 AM
Ok, changed those as requested. Is there anything else needed to be changed.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 05, 2007, 08:50:21 AM
Just keeping this from drifting too far into the forum. I would like some comments since I think I'm close to approval.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 08, 2007, 12:40:36 AM
Ok, it's been 3 days since I last posted on this to keep it from drifting. I'm doing this to keep it from moving too far back. I have noticed that I haven't been looked at much. I know there are few people doing this, but so many other people are being looked at and approved while I'm just sitting here. I'm just saying that there have been at least 5 people approved while I've been sitting here getting nothing really.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 10, 2007, 06:03:21 AM
You're not the only one not getting any comments, believe me ;) Anyway, I'll take a look at your S&Ws and your History, I don't have a problem with the rest :)

Strengths:
    *Stealth Skills- Ability to stealthily kill people without their knowledge and to conceal himself in the shadows.This sounds very funny. If people would know he was going to kill them, they wouldn't let him, would they ;) I'd leave out the 'without their knowledge'.
    *Strength- Able to swing a blade even of considerable weight very fast.
    *Endurance- Able to run long distances and able to last long through fights.
    *Adaptable- He has always been able to learn and adapt very easily to anything including weapon skills or harsh weather.
    *Customized Scimitar- he can use it quite well and has a very unique in fighting style.
    *Salén Pins- he can use these with pretty good accuracy.
    *Coorán'Lóh Blades- he can use these very well, but can't use in combination with his scimitar. Only used for if he loses his weapon, whether it be by it breaking or knocked out of his hands.

Weaknesses:
    *Agoraphobia(Fear of Big Crowds)- He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd, and when in one, he get nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.
    *Slow Healing- He heals relatively slowly. No one knows the cause of this.
    *Persistent- Due to always being persistent, he has almost killed himself several times and has lost many deals on items and merchandise.
    *Weak Immune- Due to an ingrown immune system, he is susceptible to poisons, toxins, and diseases more than the usual elf. He has not grown immune to poison like a normal Eophyrhim elf, because he has never used poison on an enemy except for missions, and not to catch animals. This is probably just me, but I don't understand how using poison on an enemy makes you immune for it, could you explain that?
    *Bad Left Shoulder- Due to a random injury to his shoulder during a mission, it sometimes causes him pain making him unable to use that arm. Random doesn't sound like the right word. I'd choose 'badly healed' or something of the kind.
    *Wolves/Foxes- Due to an unusual compassion for wolves and foxes, he will help them no matter what. This has put him in dangerous and unnecessary situations and also has caused him to be bit time to time.
    *Oneirophobia(Fear of Dreams)- For some odd reason, he grew up with a fear of his dreams and nightmares. No matter what they were, it always meant something bad happening depending on the dream. Sometimes he dreamt of people just dieing in front of him and the next day he would get hurt some way. Whenever he haves has  a dream, he is always seen at his home. Even though this doesn't stop what was going to happen from happening he feels like it makes it less painful. What is his home? And when he is far away from there when having a dream, does he travel all that way just to make it less painful? I don't really understand :)
    *Heliophobia(Fear of Sun)- Due to a fear of the sun since birth, he has never looked at the sun, studied about the sun, or ventured into sunlight with out his entire body being covered by clothing. Due to this, he has been hindered from traveling at some points where there were rips or tears in his clothing, being afraid something would happen to him if the sun touched his skin. This has also caused his skin to become intolerant to the sun. If he were to venture into the sun with a part of his body exposed to it, it would burn very easily and could even scar.

History:
    He was born to a pretty rich family that worked as assassins. Ever since his birth he has had 3 majors fears he couldn't conquer. These were fear of the sun, big crowds, and his dreams. Due to the fear of the sun, he has always wore worn  a full body cloak to protect his skin from the sun and thought of himself tainted if he were ever touched by the sunlight. So what about his face? Does he cover that as well? If so, you need to add that to the clothes section. Also, when being taught, he never listened to the studies about the sun since he feared it. He naturally wanted to follow in their What does 'their' refer to? His family? If so, say specifically 'in his family's footsteps' because otherwise it's not clear (too far away from each other) footsteps, so they started training him at the age of 16. As he grew up he started wondering why he was on this earth and what was his purpose. He also decided that when he grew up, he was going to kill people for a living. He decided this, because he enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and success. When he turned 19, he started to work out everyday off in the woods no 'off' needed to work out. At the age of 26, his parents bought him a customized scimitar because they were starting to train him to fight with swords. It was customized how he wanted by making it longer and less curved but still kinda thin. He asked for it this way, because he liked long two handed swords, but did not like them to be excessively heavy which is how most are. He learned to use this well and fast. After he was through training with them, he became a hunter and started developing very good stealth and learn to kill quickly.

    At the age of 89, he killed all of the people in the Arvins Festival. It is a festival held every 25 years in which there is a great feast honoring 25-40 random humans. That night after the feast, the humans are released, and the Eophyrhim chase after and kill them once the sun rises. It usually lasts 2-8 days. This scared everyone because it had never been done before by one person alone so fast. Isn't all of them undoable for one person alone? If 40 people are running, by the time one person killed, say, 5, even very quickly, someone else would have had the time to kill one, wouldn't they? I'd say he killed many of them, but not all of them. They were also scared because they thought that he might give the privilege of death to fellow clan members. Even though others see him as twisted, he thinks he is just misunderstood. Before this happened, he had a dream about two wolves running across a empty field in the middle of the night when a full moon was in the sky. He believes this to symbolize him being exiled from the clan since it was a full moon that night and he was thus exiled. He then ran far away across an empty field all throughout the night.

    After he killed everything in the festival by himself, he was exiled from the tribe, because they felt he might betray them for some reason, and was never seen there from then on out. no out needed He became a hired assassin with a scary past behind him The past is usually behind you, you don't need to say that. He went to the nearest city to work in his new life. He worked for 8 years before he bought some coorán'lóh blades to fit his shoes. He noticed these when he saw a Kaierian Warrior using them. He asked what they were and if he could get some and he happily helped him. Problem with reference. Please specify one of the he's. He trained himself to use these, to be able to use without making even the slightest mistake, for the next 5 years, while living off money he acquired in the last 8 years. After he resumed killing for awhile, he met a stranger that introduced him into salén pins. After learning some about them he learned to use them better on his own in a small training course he built himself off in the woods.

    After that he resumed being an assassin until he was 198, then a bartender that knew what he did for a living, and that always asked him questions, asked this question, while serving him a drink, "Are your parents proud of what you do?"
    "Yes, but they don't know how good I am at my job," he replied.
    "Why haven't you told them what you do?" The bartender asked.
    Taking a drink from his glass, he then replied "Because I can't tell them how good I am on account of something I did causing me to get exiled from the tribe."
    "What was that?" The bartender inquired with a wondering voice.
    He drank the rest of his drink and set his glass down. He then replied, "I enjoy killing so much that I started to scare them all, including my own parents."

    After this, everyone that learned of his past started calling him "The Forsaken" because he did not seem normal. They thought this because it was not normal for a elf, even a Eophyrhim, to have a love for killing as much as he did. He then left the town he was in and started moving from town to town never staying longer than 10 years anywhere. He sometimes did end up in a town he had visited before but no one recognized him, because it had been at least 75 years before he went back to the same town. While in town he would find a bar after about a week of looking. When he found it he would go to the bar and order the same drink he always did. He would then let everyone know he was a bounty hunter and to leave a note on the board or to tell him personally right then of requests. He would then leave and go off into the crowd of people and disappear. He would come back later and check the board and complete the requests in less than a week, except certain ones that required much travel that would take longer.

I just pointed out minor inconsistencies. I'll come back when you've dealt with them. You should be close to approval then :)


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 10, 2007, 10:11:17 AM
Ok, I've made all changes asked for, in the way I think helped them at this point in time. The only thing may be the part with the kaierian warrior. If needed, I'll go back and change again.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 11, 2007, 05:15:17 AM
I'm still not sure where his home is that he goes to when he is having these dreams. He is expelled from his tribe, so that wouldn't be it, and otherwise he just travels you say. The only time you mention this home is in that one weakness. I'd just leave that out if I were you, and keep it to the fear of dreams. Unless it is really important to you?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 11, 2007, 05:23:12 AM
Ok, I changed it a little more, and colored it, I forgot to sorry. It now says

...seen at a hand-made shack in the woods just out of the town he is staying at, or his home...

I hope that is a little easier to understand.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 11, 2007, 05:44:04 AM
so the shack is his home? In that case I'd change it to 'which is his home as long as he stays near that town', or something of the kind.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 11, 2007, 05:46:20 AM
Is that a little better?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 11, 2007, 05:51:45 AM
Could you go through the paragraph about the Festival one more time, and the one after that, and change all the references to 'everyone' into 'many'? Thank you :)


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 11, 2007, 05:57:15 AM
Is that a little better?


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 11, 2007, 05:59:02 AM
Yes, that's better. I will go over this again tomorrow to see if I can find anything else, otherwise a title should be coming your way! Or at least a first approval *grins*


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 11, 2007, 06:00:24 AM
Thank you for taking the time to look over it, it is much appreciated. I look forward to approval.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 12, 2007, 04:41:13 AM
Here's your first approval, dear ;)


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 12, 2007, 05:10:40 AM
Yay, finally I get it. Thank you so much for taking time to look at it, and I'm gonna try and start helping look at other people's CD's, but been busy with other stuff usually.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 15, 2007, 12:51:17 PM
Just bumping this up off of second page, to make easier to find.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 19, 2007, 09:39:27 AM
*Innocent Bump*

Just bumping so it doesn't get too far back, since I'm pretty close to being titled.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Weivóc'Neán on April 22, 2007, 01:29:52 AM
*Innocent Bump*

It's been awhile, and I know we are short, but its been over a week sine last comment, which was a approval. I'm just close now and wanting to get titled so I can start.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on April 23, 2007, 03:04:20 PM
I read through it and didn't notice anything wrong with it. Second approval! Sorry for the long wait.


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Mina on April 23, 2007, 03:14:02 PM
And titled. 


Title: Re: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 24, 2007, 12:49:35 AM
And moving it ;)