Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Hylphán on March 22, 2007, 02:31:02 AM



Title: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 22, 2007, 02:31:02 AM
Name: Hylphán'ác'órril  (Hylphán for short)

Gender: Male

Age: 58

Race:  Elf/Human(Avennorian mother and Arthyron father),

Tribe:Avennorian and Arthyron

Eye Color: Soft grey to light blue eyes (depending on mood and what color clothing)

Hair Color: Blond hair fading into white

Height:  1 Ped, 2 Fores, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs

Occupation: Adventurer/ fighter

Title: Venturer

Physical Appearance: 
     He has a slim but muscular build, and a slight point to his ears.  His skin is weathered, with the ruddy color that comes from years of exposure to the elements in many different climates.  His facial features look as if chiseled from stone.  He has a strong jaw-line that adds strength, and sometimes menace, to the softspoken, yet firm voice.  When the mood changes and he starts to get mad, his eyes glisten a sharp steel blue, adding to the look.   His shoulder length hair is usually pulled back and bound in a leather thong when traveling, but he lets it down when in town. 
     He is polite to a fault, even when he starts to get mad, but becomes eerily calm and stone faced when it all breaks loose.

     In the presence of friends, in a comfortable atmosphere, that stone face melts away. It is replaced by one that is creased with laugh lines, and his soft grey eyes light up with the glow of someone who loves life.

    Although he is very skilled in battle, his body bears the reminders of many heated battles.  Like the very fine 5 nailsbreadths scar following the jawbone and just under the edge of his left jaw-line, from a knife in a tavern fight when he was only 19.  It's barely visible if you're not looking for it. 

     Then there is the horizontal 6 nailsbreadths, 4 grain scar on his right shoulder near the neck (and it's mate on the back side).  The sword thrust went right through, scraping the bottom of the collarbone. Along with this one are the two across the palm of his right hand, and the fingers of his right hand.  These came from holding that sword there, while he killed his opponent.
 
     He has a vertical 9 nailsbreadths on his right side above the second rib from a dying opponents spear jab. Luckily there was only enough force behind it to lodge the spearhead in the bone of both ribs, not penetrating any further. 

     He has a few scars of various shapes and sizes on both hands, and a few defensive scars on the outside of his right forearm.  His large hands look like they would be clumsy, but he has amazingly nimble fingers.  This gives him great skill at the small, intricate bone and wood carvings that he does.
     He carves and makes small bone and/or wood items, Brooches, figures (animals and people), small boxes, and trinkets , that he sells when the opportunity arises.  He works on these little things around the fire at night when he travels.

Clothes:
     While traveling (which is most of the time), he wears an oiled long sleeved, green leather tunic with a broad tan collar band. This is cinched at the waist with a broad leather belt, that has a large, leaf shaped buckle.  He keeps his green leather gloves tucked into the belt when they are not being worn.  He also wears matching tan leather, leggings tucked into the top of tough leather waterproof boots that come up the leg to the top of the calf.  He generally is seen wearing a matching waterproof cloak with a hood, held on by a silver chain and a silver, leaf shaped clasp.  On his right forearm, from wrist to elbow, he wears a polished leather cuff.  The inside surface of the forearm is scuffed from many strokes of a bowstring, and the outside surface has a smooth steel plate to deflect overhead blows.  This plate shows many scratches and nicks.

Personality: 
     Around friends, Hylphán'ác'órril is usually soft-spoken, but easy and outgoing.  He has a good sense of humor, and a hearty laugh.  His quick eyes match his quick wit.   He is loyal to his friends, and will stand up with them in a fight.  He will however, tell his friends if they are wrong in an argument.
 
     Among strangers however, he is usually quiet and reserved, absorbing everything going on around him.  He is a fairly good judge of character, and is generally correct with first impressions.  He will generally not refuse a conversation, but will not go out of his way to initiate one with someone he doesn't know.
He has his moods when he is very quiet and contemplative, but these times are not frequent. 

     In general, he hates seeing good people getting bullied by people who think they are better.  He will usually react, calmly at first, with only the amount of objection needed to cool down the situation.  However he will not hesitate to use force if needed.  He usually gives the opponent an opportunity to back down gracefully, without losing face.

Strengths:

Although he is highly skilled with the recurve bow and the sword, especially the Shamshir, he has a slight knowledge of the spear as well.

-He is no stranger to battle, and has scars to prove it. 
       
-He has a passing knowledge of Doimo Brawling, though not up to Doimo
standards.  His adoptive Doimo family teased him about that all the time. He is proficient enough to best many that don't know the skill.

-As with all elves, he is a natural woodsman from his years of traveling, and he can melt into the trees and
become a part of the forest.
     
Weaknesses:

-He puts too much faith in his first impressions of people, and this has ushered him into troublesome waters more than once.

-He has restricted movement of his right arm, he can only lift it slightly above shoulder level due to a sword thrust in the collarbone area.

-He is a sucker for a kid in trouble, which means he then has to face the person (or
persons) who are mad at the kid.
         
-He will occasionally push himself past the limits of his endurance, causing physical
collapse, if the situation warrants it.  His physical condition will be near comatose for a period of 2 to 3 days. In other words, he had better be somewhere safe when he goes down.    

-He hates to see anyone mistreat a horse.  Some people think nothing of whipping a horse if it is impossible to break, or acting exceptionally skittish and refusing to go somewhere.   He also will not tolerate anyone mistreating a woman!   Some people don't think there is anything wrong with berating, cussing at, or striking a barmaid who spills a meal or drink on them.  These two items on the list tend to be frowned on by many, and quite frequently cause trouble.  He generally gets into trouble when he objects to someone mistreating a horse or a woman, because he usually objects very strenuously.

History: 

      His father was a sailor from Silvan who traveled a bit in his younger years.  He decided he wanted to see the coastline of the land in which he lived before he settled down.  He took a berth on a ship that regularly traded in Vermoth and Worldquest, and left the ship in Vermoth.  He signed on as crew on another trader that ended its trade route in Veltin.
He worked another ship that went as far as Yoric, and finally ended up in Ciosa.
     There he found a city diversely rich enough to curb his wanderlust.  He found work with a local merchant, and lived in Ciosa for 3 years.  During that time he met a nice girl who worked in the shop across the street.  They developed a relationship which, in time, developed into a lifelong love for each other. 
     When they had  been married for three years, they decided to move back to Silvan to his ancestral home to live.  Silvan is where Hylphán was born and raised.

     Hylphán started his shipboard training early, as his father ran the household like the ship. Wanting his son to be prepared to captain his own ship someday, he immersed him in the language, history, and techniques of sailing from the time he could talk.  As soon as Hylphán could hold a curved stick, he started teaching him the fighting techniques of the shamshir.  Later, he tried to train him in the spear as well, but Hylphán always thought it was too clumsy, that it lacked the grace and flowing movement of the shamshir.  He picked up his first recurve bow when he was 18 and fell in love with the smooth lines, and silent strength.  He  made his first bow at 19, and has improved on his own design twice since then.  He practices every chance he gets, and is quite skilled.  He had time for lots of practice when he was with the Doimo.  

     Hylphán'ác'órril signed on as crew for a trading ship leaving his homeport of Silven at the age of 21.  It was just a normal trade voyage to Vermoth on the Liban River, and Worldquest on the Luquador.   He found that as he learned and experienced new things in each new port, he wanted to see and learn more.  He left the ship  in Worldquest and ventured out on a life full of adventure. With new sights, new peoples, new weapons and fighting techniques, and a world full of things to learn about, his appetite for experiencing new things was nearly insatiable.

     He traveled across the continents, shipping out as crew on trade ships when he found one going somewhere he had never been.   His journeys took him down the east coast from the area around Weil, south to the tip at Thalambath.  He then traveled up the west coast of the Santharian Kingdom to the town of Caelum where he signed on a ship bound for the Crimson Isles.  He took another ship from there to the port of Enndalia, and continued on to Artakar.  He did some adventuring in the Aca-Santerra area, helping to clean up several hotspots of raiders and thieves.  During one campaign, he saved the life of one of the scouts they had employed from the Doimo.  The two became close friends, and this encounter would make a big impact on Hylphán's life.  He became obsessed with learning more about their way of life.  After that campaign, his new friend, Nattrak, told Hylphán that he must come back to his tribe with him.  He must pay back the life debt that he owed Hylphán.  Hylphán agreed, and they returned to Nattrak's clan.

     Nattrak's band of the Emohod clan welcomed Hylphán and thanked him for Nattrak's life.  He  became a part of their family because their way of life intrigued him.  Hylphán spent 9 years in the southwestern desert of Naezshan Zhunith with this band.  His life with the Doimo started when he was 35. This is the only time he has really stayed very long in one place.   He learned some of the techniques of the Doimo Brawling, just not enough to be proficient by their standards.  This was always a standing joke among his Doimo brothers.  Although they really did respect his increasing skill, strength, and determination, they would never tell him that.  Because of his quickness, his knowledge of this art has been useful on many occasions. 

     Hylphán has developed much of his easy going attitude from his stay with the Doimo.  His stay with them also has affected the way he deals with conflict.  He will try objection first, then negotiation, then Doimo Brawling, and finally weapons.  If it comes to using the weapons there is no hesitation to use deadly force, if necessary.  However, he will give his opponent the opportunity to withdraw if possible. 

     He worked his way north to Escandia and from there through the Isles of R'unor.  Hylphán'ác'órril has walked (and ridden) the length and breadth of 2 of the main continents  (Sarvonia and Nybelmar). He has also explored most of the islands in the Sea of Tears, and the Adanian Sea.  He would like to see Akdor, as he hears of wondrous things to see there.  However, he is working his way back up the western coast of Santhala right now, heading for Nyermersys.  From there Hylphán hopes to catch a ship farther north to do some exploring.  Unless of course, he gets sidetracked...


Weapons: 
     His shamshir is of exquisite make and design. The hilt is wrapped with soft black leather and braided silver wire, and the blade - obviously not a stranger to use - has a row of runes engraved down each side from hilt to tip.   This shamshir has been in his family for 3 generations.  His father gave it to him as a gift when he left home.   It hangs on his right side, the only indication that he is left handed.  Hylphán carries an ornately carved recurve bow he crafted himself, with ivory nocks on the ends and an inlaid ivory arrow rest worn smooth from use.  The quiver full of arrows matches the color of his cloak.

Belongings: 
     Hylphán owns a silver chased saddle, with saddlebags.  These contain food, 2 sets of lightweight city clothing, another set of  waterproof traveling clothes, and a few small keepsake belongings.  He wears a large silver ring with an ornate crest of the Arthyron tribe.  He bought this from a jeweler in the Crimson Isles.  He also wears a heavy braided silver chain around his neck, inside his tunic.

Familiar:  Hylphán currently travels on a roan mare named RedWing, that he just bought in Caelum, the last time he hit port.  They have only known each other a short time, but are developing  a relationship.  Redwing is stocky in stature, but well muscled.  So far she appears  to have very good stamina, and an easy, ground eating gait.  She is a deep reddish brown in color, with white mixed in, making her appear almost red.  Especially on the almost wing shaped patch that runs from her withers to her tail on both sides.  This patch runs halfway down the ribs on each side.


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on March 22, 2007, 02:37:03 AM
Please don't post a new thread every time that you change something, but edit the first post of the old thread. Thank you.


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 22, 2007, 05:07:33 AM
Sorry,
     I did edit it this time, still need to get him a home town up north, but I think thats all that is left.
Thanks
Northstarwatcher


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 23, 2007, 11:51:35 AM
May I delete the other posting then?

Ok, something else real quick while I am here.
Quote
Name:  Northstarwatcher, in some places known as "Watcher", or also called "Norwat"(by close family)
Elven name - Hylphán'ác'órril

What is his "actual" name, as "Northstarwatcher" is not a name a parent would give their child. It is a title, not a name. Is Hylphán'ác'órril his *actual* name? If not, what is?

Also, please break up your history into paragraphs. Many of us here are poor of sight, so reading "walls-of-text" can be extremely painful (Migraines in my case).


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 23, 2007, 12:41:52 PM
Yes you may delete the other posting, sorry. And yes his real name is Hylphán'ác'órril, if that fits the world of Caelareth.  What would you suggest as a human equivalent - Watcher maybe? 
Sorry about the block of text, I just started writing and it came out that way.  I am actually in the process of rewriting it with a little more detail.  I am also adding much more detail to his appearance, and other things as well.  Any other thoughts?
Thanks,
Hylphán'ác'órril


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 23, 2007, 10:40:01 PM
Quote
Race:  Elf of Human(Avennorian Great Grandmother) and Arthyron (Great Grandfather) parentage over 3 generations
Tribe:Avennorian and Arthyron

What were his parents? Were they both of different heritage as well? What heritage your parents are makes more of an impact than what your grandparents generally.


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 25, 2007, 06:20:56 PM
I have changed a few things, now see if this is adequate for gameplay.
Thanks for input


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Lord Volarune on March 26, 2007, 01:28:09 PM
Hello,

      First i would like to say great job, second i would also like to say you've done very well with this character. Your physical appearance is very detailed and quite good really,next is your character description it has good imagination in it. Last is your history it's deep and rich full of detail good description as well very good job my friend!


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on March 26, 2007, 04:07:36 PM
I will only be pointing out the obvious here.

Quote
Race:  Elf of Human(Avennorian mother) and Arthyron (father)
You could put it in a less confusing way, like 'Elf/Human (Avennorian mother and Arthyron father)'.

Next, I know you've indented the first line of each paragraph in your Physical Appearance and your personality, but could you please leave a line between them as well.

You'll also notice that your strengths and weaknesses come out in a weird format. That makes it confusing.



Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 26, 2007, 04:09:48 PM
Duly noted and in process of change, anything else...anything more glaring?


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on March 27, 2007, 08:12:09 AM
I said I would check it so here I am checking it. ^_^ All my comments will be in this colour. Let's begin, shall we?

Name: Hylphán'ác'órril Just a small note, if this is the name that he's going to go by, then your screen name also needs to be this as well. Or, you could just put it as "Hylphan" to make it shorter (the screen name, that is). Just a suggestion.
Gender: Male
Age: 55
Race:  Elf/Human(Avennorian mother and Arthyron father),
Tribe:Avennorian and Arthyron
Eye Color: Soft grey to light blue eyes (depending on mood and what color clothing)
Hair Color: Blond hair fading into white
Height:  2 ped, 6 nailsbreadths
Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs
Occupation: Adventurer/ fighter
Title: Venturer

Physical Appearance:  He has a slim but muscular build, and a very slight point to his ears.  His skin is weathered, with the ruddy color that comes from years of exposure to the elements in many different climates.  His facial features look as if chiseled from stone, with a strong jaw-line that adds strength, and sometimes menace, to the softspoken, yet firm voice.  When the mood changes, and he starts to get mad, his eyes glisten a sharp steel blue, adding to the look.

     In the presence of friends, in a comfortable atmosphere, that stone face melts away and is replaced by one that is creased with laugh lines, and his soft grey eyes light up with the glow of someone who loves life.

    Although he is very skilled in battle, his body bears the reminders of many heated battles.  Like the very fine 5 nailsbreadths scar following the jawbone, and just under the edge of his left jaw-line, from a knife in a tavern fight (He was only 19).  It's barely visible if you're not looking for it.

     Then there is the horizontal 6 nailsbreadths, 4 grain scar on his right shoulder near the neck (and it's mate on the back side).  The sword thrust went right through, scraping the bottom of the collarbone. Along with this one are the two across the palm of his right hand, and the fingers of his right hand, from holding that sword there, while he killed his opponent.
 
     He has a vertical 9 nailsbreadths on his right side above the second rib from a dying opponents spear jab. Luckily there was only enough force behind it to lodge the spearhead in the bone of both ribs, not penetrating any further.

     He has a few scars of various shapes and sizes on both hands, and a few defensive scars on the outside of his right forearm.  His large hands look like they would be clumsy, but he has amazingly nimble fingers, perfect for the small intricate bone and wood carvings that he does.

Clothes:
     While traveling (which is most of the time), he wears a long sleeved, green, leather tunic with a broad tan collar band, cinched at the waist with a broad leather belt, with a large, leaf shaped buckle.  He keeps his green leather gloves tucked into the belt when not being worn.       He also wears matching tan, leather, leggings tucked into the top of tough, leather woodsman boots that come up the leg to the top of the calf.  He generally is seen with a matching cape/cloak with a hood, held on by a silver chain and a silver, leaf shaped pin/clasp.

Personality:
     Around friends, Hylphán'ác'órril is usually soft-spoken, but easy and outgoing, with a good sense of humor, and a hearty laugh.  His quick eyes match his quick wit.
 
     Among strangers however, he is usually quiet and reserved, absorbing everything going on around him.  He has his moods when he is very quiet and contemplative, but these times are not frequent.

     In general, he hates seeing good people getting bullied by people who think they are better.  He will usually react -calmly at first, with only the amount of objection needed to cool down the situation and protect the weaker.  However he will not hesitate to use force (up to and including deadly force) if needed.

He usually gives the opponent an opportunity to back down gracefully (without losing face).

Strengths:

-Highly skilled with the recurve bow and the sword(especially the Shamshir), but is fully
trained in the spear, crossbow, dagger, and various pole-arms.

-Is no stranger to battle, but is well versed in both arms techniques and battle strategy.
         
-Has a more than passing knowledge of Doimo Brawling, though not up to Doimo
standards (his Doimo family teased him about that),he is proficient enough to best
anyone they could.

-As with all elves, he is an exceptional woodsman, he can melt into the trees and
become a part of the forest.
     
Weaknesses:

-He is a sucker for a kid in trouble, which means he then has to face the person (or
persons) who are mad at the kid.
         
-He will occasionally push himself past the limits of his endurance, causing physical
collapse, if the situation warrants it.
         
-He hates to see anyone mistreat a horse.
         
-He will not tolerate anyone mistreating a woman!
         
-The last two tend to be frowned on by many, and quite frequently causes trouble.

History:

     Hylphán'ác'órril signed on as crew for a trading ship leaving his homeport of Silven for a trade voyage to Vermoth on the Liban River, and Worldquest on the Luquador, at the age of 18.  He found that as he learned and experienced new things in each new port, he wanted to see and learn more.  He left the ship  in Worldquest and ventured out on a life full of adventure, with new sights, new peoples, new weapons and fighting techniques, and a world full of things to learn about.

     He would travel across the continents, shipping out as crew on trade ships when he found one going somewhere he had never been.   His journeys took him down the east coast from the area around Weil, south to the tip at Thalambath.  He then traveled up the west coast of the Santharian Kingdom to the town of Caelum where he signed on a ship bound for the Crimson Isles.  He took another ship from there to the port of Enndalia, and continued on to Artakar.  He did some adventuring in the Aca-Santerra area, helping to clean up several hotspots of raiders and thieves.

     The only place he really stayed very long was with a band of the Emohod clan of the Doimo people when he was 25.  He spent 9 years in the southwestern desert of Naezshan Zhunith with this band, befriending - then becoming a part of their family,because their way of life intrigued him.  He learned some of the techniques of the Doimo Brawling, not enough to be proficient by their standards, but because of his quickness his knowledge of the art has been useful on many occasions.

     He has developed much of his easy going attitude from his stay with them.  It also has effected the way he deals with conflict.  He will try objection first, then negotiation, then Doimo Brawling, and finally weapons.  If it comes to using the weapons though, once it is drawn, there is no hesitation to use deadly force if necessary.  He will give his opponent the opportunity to withdraw if possible.

     He worked his way north to Escandia and from there through the Isles of R'unor.  Hylphán'ác'órril has walked (and ridden) the length and breadth of 2 of the main continents  (Sarvonia and Nybelmar) and most of the islands in the Sea of Tears, and the Adanian Sea.  He would like to see Akdor, as he hears of wondrous things to see there.  He is working his way back down the western coast of Santhala right now, heading for Strata.  From there he hopes to catch a ship to Shan'Thai to do some exploring.  Unless of course, he gets sidetracked...

Just a quick comment. I didn't really go through and check to make sure that all the mapping is correct, but since your parents are from different races, you need to say how they got together as it is not a normal event.

Weapons:  His shamshir is of exquisite make and design, and obviously not a stranger to use.  It hangs on his right side (the only indication that he is left handed).  He carries an ornately carved recurve bow he crafted himself, with ivory nocks on the ends and an inlaid ivory arrow rest worn smooth from use.  The quiver full of arrows matches the color of his cloak.

Belongings:  Silver chased saddle, with saddlebags containing food, 2 sets of lightweight city clothing, another set of traveling clothes, and a few keepsake belongings.  Wears a large silver ring with an ornate crest of the Arthyron tribe(he bought this from a jeweler in the Crimson Isles).  Also wears a heavy silver chain around his neck, inside his tunic.

Familiar:  Currently owns a roan mare named RedWing.

And that's all the comments that I can think up right now. Good luck and good job.


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Aváíyá Enayái on March 27, 2007, 09:25:58 AM
I read his 55 shouldn't he start to look a bit old because he's only half elf?


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 27, 2007, 02:15:03 PM
I read his 55 shouldn't he start to look a bit old because he's only half elf?

I actually reused the age calculator, and came up with the following:

with the experience and training of a 55 year old, he appears 37.5 (in human terms) but is actually 58 with a lifespan around 340 years...


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on March 27, 2007, 02:16:26 PM
For the age, you just have to put that he's 58. *nods*


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 27, 2007, 04:37:11 PM
Very Good cd , indeed , there is only one thing that i am not sure .

On your strenghts you mentioned that he was trained in numerous weapons , in my opinion makes him a tad overpowered , but anyway its only my view .

Other than that , i believe you are on your way to approval .

Good luck ...


Title: Re: Northstarwatcher-Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: vepier on March 28, 2007, 10:02:19 AM
i really like yours hopefully it will be approved soon :evil:


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter (dropped to 2nd pa
Post by: Hylphán on March 29, 2007, 11:09:18 AM
Just wanted to give it a boost, it dropped to the second page.  Fine tuned the CD a little...  Hoping for  some approvals!


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on March 30, 2007, 05:59:00 AM
Your CD is filled with incomplete sentences and ablative absolutes, which unfortunately are not part of good english grammar.  Please read through your CD and weed out these errors to make it more coherent.


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 30, 2007, 04:33:10 PM
I rewrote many of the sentences to make them simpler.  I also completed the sentences in my bullet points under strengths and weaknesses.  Hopefully it reads clearly enough to come close to approval.  Please comment extensively.  I want to join in on a storyline as soon as possible.
Any input will be greatly appreciated!


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on March 31, 2007, 11:55:10 AM
Just trying to keep it on the front page for comments.


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 01, 2007, 12:31:19 AM
Hello Hylphan and welcome to Santharia.  I see Kar has already given you one check, so I'm going to go through and see if any new problems have popped up.  Also, when you go through and make changes in accordance to the URIs please color them so we know all our comments have been addressed.


Name: Hylphán'ác'órril  (Hylphán for short)
Gender: Male
Age: 58
Race:  Elf/Human(Avennorian mother and Arthyron father),
Tribe:Avennorian and Arthyron (Racial cross-breeds are highly discouraged for first characters due to complications that arise.  Luckily for you since both your tribes are sea-obssessed, their mix is plausible, but I would still suggest only choosing one.)
Eye Color: Soft grey to light blue eyes (depending on mood and what color clothing)
Hair Color: Blond hair fading into white
Height:  2 ped, 6 nailsbreadths (shrink yourself down.  Remember, the Avenorians are exceptionally small and you are currently taller than both your tribes.  If anything you would be somewhere inbetween.)
Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs
Occupation: Adventurer/ fighter
Title: Venturer

Physical Appearance:  He has a slim but muscular build, and a slight point to his ears.  His skin is weathered, with the ruddy color that comes from years of exposure to the elements in many different climates.  His facial features look as if chiseled from stone.  He has a strong jaw-line that adds strength, and sometimes menace, to the softspoken, yet firm voice.  When the mood changes and he starts to get mad, his eyes glisten a sharp steel blue, adding to the look. 

     In the presence of friends, in a comfortable atmosphere, that stone face melts away. It is replaced by one that is creased with laugh lines, and his soft grey eyes light up with the glow of someone who loves life.

    Although he is very skilled in battle, his body bears the reminders of many heated battles.  Like the very fine 5 nailsbreadths scar following the jawbone and just under the edge of his left jaw-line, from a knife in a tavern fight (He was only 19).  It's barely visible if you're not looking for it. 

     Then there is the horizontal 6 nailsbreadths, 4 grain scar on his right shoulder near the neck (and it's mate on the back side).  The sword thrust went right through, scraping the bottom of the collarbone. Along with this one are the two across the palm of his right hand, and the fingers of his right hand.  These came from holding that sword there, while he killed his opponent.
 
     He has a vertical 9 nailsbreadths on his right side above the second rib from a dying opponents spear jab. Luckily there was only enough force behind it to lodge the spearhead in the bone of both ribs, not penetrating any further. 

     He has a few scars of various shapes and sizes on both hands, and a few defensive scars on the outside of his right forearm.  His large hands look like they would be clumsy, but he has amazingly nimble fingers.  This gives him great skill at the small, intricate bone and wood carvings that he does. (this has gotten better, but a bit more elaboration would be nice.  You do a great job focusing on details but a more general view would be nice.  Look at the appearance sectiosn of your two tribes and then combine them into a nice complete character.  Things such as compelxion, hair length and things like that are good things to have.  Look in the archives for more examples)
Clothes:
     While traveling (which is most of the time), he wears a long sleeved, green leather tunic with a broad tan collar band. This is cinched at the waist with a broad leather belt, that has a large, leaf shaped buckle.  He keeps his green leather gloves tucked into the belt when they are not being worn.  He also wears matching tan leather, leggings tucked into the top of tough leather woodsman boots that come up the leg to the top of the calf.  He generally is seen wearing a matching cloak with a hood, held on by a silver chain and a silver, leaf shaped clasp. (Since he coems from two sea-faring tribes that wear the same clothing, it would make sense for him to wear this traditional attire.  Genearlly the members of his tribe wear water-proof cloaks, boots, tunics and pants because they are optimal for sailing, which is the type of traveling they partake in.)

Personality: 
     Around friends, Hylphán'ác'órril is usually soft-spoken, but easy and outgoing.  He has a good sense of humor, and a hearty laugh.  His quick eyes match his quick wit.
 
     Among strangers however, he is usually quiet and reserved, absorbing everything going on around him.  He has his moods when he is very quiet and contemplative, but these times are not frequent.

     In general, he hates seeing good people getting bullied by people who think they are better.  He will usually react, calmly at first, with only the amount of objection needed to cool down the situation.  However he will not hesitate to use force if needed.  He usually gives the opponent an opportunity to back down gracefully, without losing face.

Strengths:

Although he is highly skilled with the recurve bow and the sword, especially the Shamshir, he is fully trained in the spear, and dagger as well. (This is a bit much for your age.  Remember, even though he is part human, he will learn considerably slwoer because he is an elf.  I would keep only two weapons at most if you wish to be balanced enough to be passed. )

-He is no stranger to battle, and is well versed in both arms techniques and battle strategy.
         
-He has a more than passing knowledge of Doimo Brawling, though not up to Doimo
standards.  His adoptive Doimo family teased him about that all the time. He is proficient enough to best anyone that they could.

-As with all elves, he is an exceptional woodsman, he can melt into the trees and
become a part of the forest.
     (All of your strengths are combat oriented.  While it is ok to have one or two, you also need to touch upon other things.  Personality quirks and the liek are always good to have as well as interesting hoobies.  I would suggest cutting this back to two styles of fighting/weapons and battle knowledge and than use the rest of the space for other stuff.)
Weaknesses:

-He is a sucker for a kid in trouble, which means he then has to face the person (or
persons) who are mad at the kid.
         
-He will occasionally push himself past the limits of his endurance, causing physical
collapse, if the situation warrants it.
         
-He hates to see anyone mistreat a horse.
         
-He will not tolerate anyone mistreating a woman!
         
-The last two items on the list tend to be frowned on by many, and quite frequently causes trouble.
(Right now, you are extremely unbalanced.  You are highly proficient with many weapons and have no major weaknesses.  Unless you plan on making him an amputee of giving him some other gigantic weakness you will have to cut back.  Even if you do remove some of your strengths, you will also need to add some larger weaknesses to your character.)

History: 

     I am not a very good history commentor, so I will look at this once the rest of your CD looks good.  Feel free to PM me once you are done with corrections to look at this section.
Weapons: 
     His shamshir is of exquisite make and design. The hilt is wrapped with soft black leather and braided silver wire, and the blade - obviously not a stranger to use - has a row of runes engraved down each side from hilt to tip.  It hangs on his right side, the only indication that he is left handed.  Hylphán carries an ornately carved recurve bow he crafted himself, with ivory nocks on the ends and an inlaid ivory arrow rest worn smooth from use.  The quiver full of arrows matches the color of his cloak.

Belongings: 
     Hylphán owns a silver chased saddle, with saddlebags.  These contain food, 2 sets of lightweight city clothing, another set of traveling clothes, and a few small keepsake belongings.  He wears a large silver ring with an ornate crest of the Arthyron tribe.  He bought this from a jeweler in the Crimson Isles.  He also wears a heavy braided silver chain around his neck, inside his tunic.

Familiar:  Hylphán currently travels on a roan mare named RedWing. (You are required to elaboratre more on your animal.  Also, this needs to be added as a strength.  Things such as a physical description of the beast, its personality, how strong their bond is, and how he found it are always requirements in addition to anything else you can think of.)


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 01, 2007, 09:15:24 PM
All the changes I made are in green for easy identification.


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 02, 2007, 08:23:19 PM
Just keep bumping it back to the first page...


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 03, 2007, 01:47:24 AM
Hey Hylphan!

There are a very few things I'd like to find in your history. The first is a somewhat longer description of when he was born. This does not need to be much, one or two sentences will suffice, but I ask this because I read over that one sentence that you have now, so your story seemed to kind of jump from his father to him when he was 21.
Then, I'd like to know when and where he got his weapons, as I don't seem to have found that in his history even though I think it's rather important for his character. Also, when did he learn how to fight with them?
And thirdly, I'd like to know how he befriended them. Did it start with a fascination for their ways, or was there another cause? Because I don't think he'd want to live in a territory without any surface water without very strong inducement.

With regard,
Simonne


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 03, 2007, 06:48:34 AM
Very good. If you could just fuse the Doimo part that you added to what you already have? It changes a little abruptly at the moment. After that, I will go over it again and see if I can find something else :) (Don't worry, I'm starting to nitpick now, you shouldn't be far from a title *grins*)


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 03, 2007, 07:33:29 AM
Alright, I fused it together and shuffled the sentences around to get a better feel to it.  See what you think and let me know.
Thank you Lady Simonne!


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 03, 2007, 12:06:39 PM
Went through and refined it some more. Hopefully it's done...


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 04, 2007, 02:41:22 PM
Bump it up again!


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Patiently waiting/Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Figh
Post by: Hylphán on April 05, 2007, 09:24:36 AM
Bump it up again, patiently waiting...


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 05, 2007, 11:08:42 AM
Bumped up...


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 05, 2007, 11:10:25 AM
I'll look you over again tommorow night.


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 05, 2007, 11:12:59 AM
Thank You sir...


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 05, 2007, 06:35:32 PM
Right, my last comments, so far as I can see :)

One, I wouldn't say so specifically that he has bought his horse two days ago in Caelum, because by the time you get into a story you'll probably have travelled a few days already. I'd just make it 'recently when he was in Caelum' or something of the kind.

Then, there was a small comment I had on your strengths. Let me copy them first.

Strengths:

Although he is highly skilled with the recurve bow and the sword, especially the Shamshir, he has a slight knowledge of the spear as well.

-He is no stranger to battle, and has scars to prove it.   
       
-He has a passing knowledge of Doimo Brawling, though not up to Doimo
standards.  His adoptive Doimo family teased him about that all the time. He is proficient enough to best almost anyone that they could beat. This is the one I wanted to comment on. If he can beat almost anyone that they could beat, isn't he up to their standards? Perhaps you can change it to him being able to beat many people who don't know Doimo Brawling (not everyone though ;)). This should be a very good strength because I don't think there are many Sarvonians who know this skill.

-As with all elves, he is a natural woodsman from his years of traveling, and he can melt into the trees and
become a part of the forest.
     
Weaknesses:

-He puts too much faith in his first impressions of people, and this has ushered him into troublesome waters more than once.

-He has restricted movement of his right arm, he can only lift it slightly above shoulder level due to a sword thrust in the collarbone area.

-He is a sucker for a kid in trouble, which means he then has to face the person (or
persons) who are mad at the kid.
         
-He will occasionally push himself past the limits of his endurance, causing physical
collapse, if the situation warrants it.  His physical condition will be near comatose for a period of 2 to 3 days. In other words, he had better be somewhere safe when he goes down.     

-He hates to see anyone mistreat a horse.
         
-He will not tolerate anyone mistreating a woman!
         
-The last two items on the list tend to be frowned on by many, and quite frequently causes trouble. I don't understand this weakness. Why would people frown on the fact that he does not tolerate women being mistreated, or horses? More specifically, how has this caused trouble for him?

When you've adressed these remarks, I think you're ready for your first approval :D


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 05, 2007, 09:11:30 PM
All the changes and reasons have been written in RED, so see what you think now.

He generally gets into trouble when he objects to someone mistreating a horse or a woman, because he usually objects strenuously


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 05, 2007, 09:15:17 PM
Ok, so I would combine those last three points into one, plus mentioning how strenuously he acts towards the person mistreating a horse or a woman. And for the strength change 'most anyone' to 'many', which sounds less godmodingly to me. Also, does the weakness of his arm influence the strength of the Doimo Brawling? Just out of curiosity :)


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 05, 2007, 09:26:03 PM
Changes made!  And no, the arm problem wouldn't really affect the brawling much, as the strength in the arm isn't diminished much at all.  Just the overhead movement because the muscles healed shorter.


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 05, 2007, 09:57:14 PM
Yeah, my question was mainly: does he need much overhead movement in Doimo Brawling :) I'll go read now


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 05, 2007, 09:59:24 PM
Here's your approval, dear  :azn:

If you could just quickly change the 'causes' in the last weakness to 'cause', that would be swell. The subject is plural, you see ;)


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Hylphán on April 05, 2007, 10:00:30 PM
Thank you dear Lady!  Consider it done!


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on April 06, 2007, 01:17:15 AM
I just have one thing, even though you are titled and ready to go...

Please remove the color from your CD before we move it to the archives.


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Fenmarel Leislasa on April 06, 2007, 01:19:39 AM
Kali, how come I don't have to remove the color from my CD?


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on April 06, 2007, 01:30:17 AM
wasn't as noticeable....


Title: Re: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter
Post by: Fenmarel Leislasa on April 06, 2007, 02:11:16 AM
Oh right...