Adventures of Caelereth

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Enthusiastic Swordswoman

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her back. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short skirt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback. The color of her dresses may be a tan color to a dark brown.

Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish. Salena is a high spirited person.

   She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual celebration and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.

   Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks alot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking it one day at a time. She wants to find the ones that killed her parents but thinks they may have passed away already but she know her lover would never leave her so she doesn't understand how he could have disappear. She feels like everyone she really cared about has left her though she knows she has her sister and grandfather but has to go on her way and grow up.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword. She is proficient with a sword but not an expert.

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe but only happens in the summer.

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and she had to take care of her sister, Melondy, who was five when their parents died. Their grandfather raised them after their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather.

Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around plus her grandfather was a soldier when he was young. Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her.

       Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian. There was a rumor that Yackria had left her but did not want to tell her, unfortunately Salena hadn't heard this rumor yet.

    Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop she started to have a hard time breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc. Salena and her sister was not used to going outside with their parents, they kept her and her sister inside because they thought it was very dangerous outside.  Most of her tribe would own horses but since she came from a poor family and her grandfather was a weaponsmith there was no need for a horse.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while Melondy stayed behind and Salena went off into the dangerous world by herself but with strong hopes and will power.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

Please look at the Erpheronian(which you spelled wrong by the way) nomenclature section for a name suitable to that particular tribe.

I changed tribes.  After reading, I liked this one better.

Hello and welcome to Santharia. I would suggest you try to explain your weapon a bit more, if you look at the menu on the left hand side of the screen and click on miscellaneous you will get a list come up and click on Weapons & Armour, there you will find a list of different weapons, includeing lots of  swords.

Thank you, i will do that right away.

Sorry there does not seem to be much else for me to do round hear at the moment, so I may be making a few more little suggestions. I do say you should list your strengths and weaknesses, possibly bullet point them so it is easier to read, and do the same thing with your belongings. Also try to accentuate your history a lot more, for example what did she do in the time that she lived with her grandfather, for how long did she live with her grandfather, what happened to her sister, how old was she when she fell in love with this boy and how long did she know him for. They are just some things I can think of at the moment but there is quite a lot more you could do.

Thank you and if there is anything eles you could comment on please do. I need all the help i can get.

This is just a little picky comment but I think you could use a bit more descriptive language, for example if something is nice you do not just have to say nice you could say majestic, graceful, radiant, vibrant and so on they are just some examples.

ok I'll work on that. i just finished what you commented  on before lol. Thank you for your help.

Sorry I am working you a bit too hard; I guess you could call this practise for when you get an Uri. lol

Is it necessary to say the spiritual ceremonies she celebrates? If it is something her people celebrate then you would only want to write about the ones she doesn't participate in, and give reasons why...

No see her people celebrate the carimonies but she does too. lol

Please use the Spell Check.  There is a Spell checkign feature next to the post button.

Thank you I will.

Occupation:Blacksmith Apprentice   this is the correct spelling. I didn't see much wrong, but just made a quick glance.

whats wrong with it??

You PMed me so... here I am! Ok, the first thing I want to say is: It's a pretty good CD in general, theres just only some little things that matter:

a) Add more detail in the physical descriptions, because the staff of Santharia need to be able to form an image of you in their heads. Lots of details are always good.

b) Her strengths and weaknesses are a bit unbalanced. I think you need to add a bit more to the strengths and again, put more detail into them and clearly define them.

c) And I think the personality is pretty good, but a bit more detail would be great! Her personality is like the way she looks at the world and her point of views.

If you want an example of a really good CD (at least in my opinion) heres the link:


link (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?topic=4162.0)

lol, i bet it's hers.

*Gasp* That's my 3rd character's CD! You're right, Délmiés..it is a really good CD. :lol:

nvmind, but it was still a good guess...

I was so inspired that I wrote that CD in a day. Salena, a tip: the best times to write is when you're inspired.

Hello Salena! I got your message and I will try to give you a full Uri check. My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange
Name:Salena Smith

Gender:Female

Age:18

Race:Human

Tribe:Centoraurian

Eye color:Blue

Hair color:Brown

Height:1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation:Blacksmith Apprentace

Title:Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolled down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. She has nice toned skin but has a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails.

Clothes: She has a long dress, without sleeve. She may wear sandals in the summer but in winter she may wear leather boots, a dress from thick cotton and on top a leather cape.  She also carries a well cut sword at her side. You start many sentences with the word "She". This makes your wonderful writing seem like a list of bulletins. Try something like this throughout your CD. Example: She also carries a well cut sword at her side. could be this A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline.
Personality: She is very out going stands up for her family and beliefs. Speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. Lives day by day like theres no tomorrow. Strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working.She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. She doesn't eat horse meat but eats other meat and fish.
Space required here
 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring.

Strengths:
~ Sword fighting~is self taught in a use of a sword. Some examples of how well she performs with these blades would be nice. Nothing elaborate, just some mention of feats she has accomplished in the past. Remember she is still very young and most likely not a master with these.
Space added here
~ Craft blades and small tools~Beacause she knows how to make blades and small tools. At such a young age it is going to be quite the accomplishment to know swordsmanship and forging beyond rudimantary levels.
Weaknesses:
~Depression~Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.
Space added here
~Strangling disease~watery eyes affects her vision and makes it hard for her to breath.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy.  Their grandfather raised them. The<-- "The" is not needed both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and had to learn how to use a sword. Thought she was self-taught with the sword?
Space added here
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Mike, but he had disappeared so now shes out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Mike for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him.
Space added here
                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practising her sword skills. she would practise all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around.
Space added here
           On her eighteenth birthday her grandfather told her it was time for her to go out on her own. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy. She's now out on her own in this world. While Melondy stayed behind to take care of their grandfather. It seems odd that her grandfather would push her out like this. With a family buisness and her still somewhat young age, I would think her grandfather would need her. Maybe she left in search of her boyfriend?

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~ ~ wet stone~ ~tinderbox~ ~a few coins~ ~bag to carry it all~  ~a little bit of food~ and ~a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

I hope my comments aid you on your pathway to a title. If you have any further questions please feel free to place them here or ez-mail me.

I think we should hear a little more on the lost love. Right now we know she met, loved, and lost. Maybe some more information on that, as someone she loved enough to have gone to search for must have some sort of backstory to it.

Sorry I didn't say more, but I have to go.

Arin Woodwealth, Dalorin.

Hello there =)

Maybe in your strengths you could add something not combat related? Like trust or another personality trait.

I agree with a lot of Twen's suggestions as well, she seems to have covered a lot of what I was going to say. Such as the spaces separating paragraphs and the strengths and weakesses =)

For the listed items, like the belongings, maybe make it easier to read like this:
~  Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre
~ wet stone
~ tinderbox
~ a few coins
~ bag to carry it all
~ a little bit of food
~ a change of clothes

I hope that helps a little! I know it's mostly formatting, but I think the character is looking good!

Hi Salena!! I’m here looking through… :grin:

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails.
Other than pigtails, how does Salena wear her hair?

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress, without sleeves. She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and on top a leather cape on top.   A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline.

Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs.  Salena speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there’s no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture. She is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more like a high spirited person.

Strengths:
~ Sword fighting~ She was taught in the a use of a sword.
More on how this has helped her… You can say that this is a survival skill?

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Beacause she knows how to make blades and small tools.
How has being able to craft blades and small tools helped her?

Weaknesses:
~Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what she’s doing for a few days.

~Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affects her vision and makes it hard for her to breathe.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy.  Their grandfather raised them.  Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword.
 
             Salena had fallen in love, with a boy named Mike, but he had disappeared so now she’s out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Mike for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Mike had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart.

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practising her sword skills. She would practise all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there were lots of swords lying around.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather who stayed behind.
Not much problem in your history for me… :grin:

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather had made it, then had gave it to her.

Belongings:
~Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
~wet stone~
~tinderbox~
~a few coins~
~bag to carry it all~
~a little bit of food~ and
~a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

--- --- ---

To conclude:
You could add more S&Ws.
Here are some strengths I found:
-   Her courage
-   Hardworking? That was the impression I got from the history. Since she could,
As for weaknesses:
-   Any emotional trauma?

You could also add some more personality quirks, like arrogance etc. I would like to know more about how her depression etc. weaknesses came about. You could add those in your history. :grin: Good luck on your CD!

It's looking pretty good if you incorporated all the suggested changes and corrections.  I will go over it again with more attention to grammar, spelling, etc. later on when I have a bit more time.  Keep up the good writing!

Thank you I will work on everything evryone has commented on. Sorry its been so long since I've been on but im not leaving just been busy.

I think it would be pretty good if you were to add a strength or two and balance it out with an even number of weaknesses also, as your character seems a bit too simple. I'm not saying it's bad to be simple, but really she has to have more going for her than sword fighting and crafting. How about her being charismatic, and you can define why, such as her being a constant talking butterfly who people are a bit annoyed at but still like, or just an enigmatic person that is likeable in a few ways...

ok thanks I'll find something to add but im not too sure what yet. lol thanks  :P

  Greetings, Blacksmith Salena!  You were kind enough to PM me, and so my comments on your CD are thus:

  Grammatically, there are a few sentences which read a little awkwardly, but some simple housekeeping revision should fix that.  As far as what you need for approval, you've pretty much got that covered.

  Content-wise, I'll agree with Avash, here.  Your CD does have all the necessary content, but you haven't yet fleshed out who Salena is, in my opinion.  I can see that losing her destined love would cause her to be depressed, but what does she do during those days she's off work?  And, "Mike" sounds very Terran; not too Santharian-sounding to me.

  My advice, for the sake of making her more of a catch to bring into roleplaying games, would be to add details which make her stand out.  She's a blacksmith, and a fighter: Okay, good.  Now, how is she noteworthy?  That's where I'd suggest focusing your attention for your upcoming revision.

  Good luck, and may words come to you swiftly and easily!

Ok I did some editting so if you want you can check it out and give me some pointers if I missed something.

Well I've added some more details so if anyone wants you can leave a comment. Thanks.

Well okay... I guess since you wanted me to review your CD I will. So really I couldn't find much wrong with it except some spelling, such as . that is about all i could find except maybe a little more detail in the clothing section. :grin:

o um... one more thing... I think you should get rid of some of the older color because it gets harder to know where you added to, or edited your CD

Ok thank you I will.

Hi Salena! Here I am in response to your PM! :grin: Comments and corrections in yellow!

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear cotton or leather blouses with short sleeves which end at a short kilt till just over the knee. (The way you phrase this sentence makes it sound like the sleeves end just over the knee. A better way of phrasing this sentence would be “However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee.”) Their (Their? Wouldn’t “The” or “Her” be better?) clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback.

-no need for double spacing here-
Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  She is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more like a high spirited person.

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such, but even though she talks a lot, people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings.   She is a strong woman but at times she shall cry cries over her parents’ deaths and her lover’s disappearance but no matter what goes on happens she'll keep taking one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught a the use of a sword, which is a survival skill.

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Beacause she knows how to make blades and small tools.
(You should explain how the blades and small tools help her.)

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses: ~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what she’s doing for a few days.

~ Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affects her vision and makes it hard for her to breathe.

~ Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy.  Their grandfather raised them.  Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword.
 
             Salena had fallen in love, with a boy named Yackria, but he had disappeared so now she’s out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead.  Yackria has broady shoulders and looks very strong though he is not — he just is big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around and because Salena was very interested and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her. (This sentence is kind of like a run-on. Perhaps you could phrase it like this: “As her grandfather was a weapon smith, there were lots of swords lying around. Salena was very interested, so she asked her grandfather if he could be so kind as to teach her swordfighting.”)

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

I think you should add occurrences of depression and strangling disease in your history. This enables readers to have a better idea of how big a weakness it is to you.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

--- --- ---
In conclusion:

I should think being
would be four strengths.
Determination (Strong will) is a mental strength.
Independence is also a strength, since it enables her to live by herself.
Courage is definitely a strength.
Being hardworking is a strength, as this causes her to be very on task for anything she has to do.

However, if you were to add these strengths, you will need some more weaknesses to balance these out. So far, I can’t find any.

Well, I wish you good luck on your CD! :grin:

You misspelled "Personality" and in some places you have no spaces after your periods. Other than that it's OK.

Ok I've made my changes so if you want you can check it over and leave any comments.

Hi Salena!

I think you misundrestood what I meant by "adding occurrences of depression and strangling disease in your history".

What I meant was, instead of just sentences stating that you HAVE depression and strangling disease, wirte out the whole process of what caused it, how you went through it, how you felt, when it happened...

For example, depression could be when Yackria disappeared? And strangling disease... might be when she was practicing swordfight and something caused it?

Ok I will do that when I get the chance. Thanks for your comments Tifara and everyone eles.

Ok I made the changes you asked. If anyone has comment feel free to share them with me. Thanks.

Hello, Salena. I'm here upon your request. I see that people had helped you on your CD and as such my assistance is of little help to you. However, I will search for anything that they have missed, in the fiery color of red.

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback.

 Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena    speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  Salena is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more a high spirited person.

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks alot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword, which is a survival skill.

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe.

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword(How did you larn your swordsmanship skills? Keep in mind that helping around in a shop does not teach you sword fighting skills.).
 
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named ,(remove the comma)Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead. Yackria has broad shoulders and looks very strong though he is not - he just is(is just) big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around(You did not mention her grandfather knowing how to use a sword. Making swords is one thing, knowing how to use them is another.).   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her.

       Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop (she) started to have a hard time to breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc.

       On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
 The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none(All Centoraurians have horses. You would do well to add one in this section and mention it in your history about how you got it.)

There you go. PM me if you need another check.
Have a nice day.

There, I fixed everything you asked but she does not own a horse and I added why she didn't in the history.    post any comments if you'd like. Thank you.

Ok I've fixed everything everyone has told me to fix.....If anyone has comment feel free to share.  Thanks.

It's pretty sad i haven't been titled yet, i've been here so long that i should be able to either give a formidable approval to mods for this, or just approve it myself...

Avash'Kan'Dui: You need to keep your chatter out of other peoples Cd's

Salena Smith: I just re read your character, as you know I read your character a while ago, and I do believe you are ready for approval. The only thing I would do different if it was my character is add more detail but the number one thing is how much your character has improved since I first read your CD. I think you have met all the requirements and just have to wait on a Mod.

Which will take a considerable amount of time with the lag we have been caught in this summer. Although it is no one's fault...

As requested, Here are my comments in red:

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside.I don't think I would say "backside", as it conjures up a lower area of her anatomy.  Perhaps just say "back", or "rolls down to the small of her back", something like that She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down. This last sentence should be up where you already describe her hair, or else it sounds like it was just tagged on

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback. more detail needed, even if just to point out the colours of these dresses

 Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena    speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual a spiritual what? festival? celebration?and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  Salena is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more a high spirited person. I would move this last sentence to the previous paragraph, perhaps integrating it with another sentence so that it doesn't sound repetitive with the sentences you already have

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks alot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword, which is a survival skill. first, you need not say it was a survival skill, second, how well can she wield it?  Keep in mind she is only 18 and learned from an old man part time.  I would suggest she be proficient with it, but far from an expert

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe. how often?  is this every day or just part of the year?

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and she had to take care of her sister, this is where the sister's name goes, not at the end of the sentence who was five when their parents died, Melondy. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather when ? should this say AFTER? their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather. you should explain how the grandfather knew how to wield a sword.  Was he a soldier when he was younger?
 
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead. Yackria has broad shoulders and looks very strong though he is not - he is just big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.  uhm..is this Yackria's CD?  We really don't need to know what he looked like to this degree, however, you should include where he disappeared to, even if Selena herself does not know, or at the very least, a rumour or suspicion

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around. ah, here it is.  I think this should go up where you first started explaining the grandfather teaching her As well, being self taught might not be strong enough.  I think him being a soldier when he was younger might be betterHer grandfather taught himself how to use a sword when he took breaks.   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her. this entire paragraph should go after the other grandfather paragraph, so to keep the Yackria paragraphs together

       Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop she started to have a hard time to breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc.   Most of her tribe would own horses but since she came from a poor family and her grandfather was a weaponsmith there was no need for a horse.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
 The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her. describing your weapon need not be taking the entry and copying it here...describing the Sabre means letting us know how it differs from other sabres...for example, is it engraved?, if so then how?, does it have a special scabbard? is the pommel studded with a gem?  that kind of thing.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Ok I did some changes again I hope it's better this time. Comments allowed.!! :P

From one Centoraurian to another, I really am impressed with your CD. Its well thought out and well written, good job. And even better, I can't find anything to nitpick in it. ;)

I've read your CD and there seems to be nothing wrong with it. Try PM'ing CD mods and see if they'll give you an approval, which I assume they'll give you since your CD is good enough.

Finally all those hard work had paid off. :grin:

Thanks you so much on all your comments. I changed the color back to white and put my last changes in red.

Your CD seems to have come along nicely. I can't find anything majorly wrong with it, except you might want to read through it for any spelling or grammar mistakes.

There is one thing though:


History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and she had to take care of her sister, Melondy, who was five when their parents died. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather after their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather who was a soldier when he was younger.

Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around. Her grandfather was a soldier when he was young.   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her.


The second paragraph of your history is a bit repetitive, especially the sentence in orange. You could probably take out the last sentence of the first paragraph and it would work better. But the way it is now, you're basically stating the same thing twice. Hope that helps a little.

Thank you I fixed what you asked. Hope it's better now.

Hi Salena! Just a really minor nitpicky problem here:


:D

Ok thank you I fixed it. (Though I don't really know what was wrong with it but I fixed it lol)

Thank you I shall work on those few things.

Also, for a title, while "Warrior" is perfectly legitimate, if a bit masculine, I strongly suggest you find something more poetic and unique. You'll never regret it. With this character, I do sometimes regret not finding something different; with my halfling, I'm perfectly satisfied. His title is "Mini-hero", which is unique and fitting to his character.

Ok I'll think of something but Im not sure of what yet so if you have any suggestions let me know.

if she likes to fight, one might be enthusiastic swordswoman
if she doesn't, one might be reluctant warrior.
Mind you, these are just suggestions, don't take them if they aren't what you want.
these are just some things i came up with real quick. sorry if they don't help

Hi Salena,

It seems to me that you've addressed a lot of the comments people have given you - sorry, but I didn't track every single item that everyone mentioned.  It looks good to me, though I am not a CD mod, nor do I have a lot of experience with character development as I only have one titled.

I think the main thing to keep in mind is balance strengths and weaknesses, and give only necessary details to describe your personality, appearance, personal effects, etc.

Cheers!   :)

Ta'las.

Thank you for your comments I'll keep those in mind. Thanks again.

Thank you everyone who made comments on my CD I went and changed a few things including what everyone has mentioned. Thanks again. Comment if you wish.

My CD is open to commenters if  you wish to comment. Thank you.

Hello, Salena.

As much as people would like to comment on your CD, there is nothing to comment on. They would not post anything of no value in your CD to avoid cluttering it. I know immature people who do things like that. They are worthless, believe me. :)

I've read your CD and it looks good to me, with the exception of minor grammatical errors and some repetitive words. Nothing big though and it should not be an obstacle towards your approval, which I would say that you deserve to get, seeing that you responded to every comment we gave you.

Kar, Simonne, Mina, do you think she's ready for an approval? :)

Thank you on your comments Thorgas, I shall go back and see what I've miss spelled and such and fix it up. Thank you again, hope you have a nice day or evening.

Well, I don't see any obvious problems with the CD now, so here's your first approval. 

Mina thank you very much for my first approval.

Heh, I knew I have the knack for choosing people ready for approval. I am really good. :grin:

Now then, please remove the coloring from your text in preparation for your CD to be moved to the archives, after you have received your second approval and your title.

Have a nice day.

Thank you Thorgas I have tooken the color out like you asked I hope it's better now. Thank you again for your comments.

Everything looks fine to me, so here's the second approval.

Thank you so much for my title and second approval.