Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 21, 2007, 03:49:15 PM



Title: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 21, 2007, 03:49:15 PM
Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age: 27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue & scavenger
Title: Lost Eophyrhim
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb
Height: 1.9 peds     
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks
Hair: brown

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair. It is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back in a braid. She likes to keep her bangs grown out and tries to keep them the same length as her hair. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people. Celebrian has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. In addition to the tattoo of the moon on her shoulder, she has one of a swirling circle on her cheek. Both of the tattoos are black. The facial piercing is a metal shaft that goes through her eyebrow. It is silver in color. It has a smooth straight shaft.
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(http://www.santharia.com/chars/large/celebrian.jpg)


Clothes- Celebriän has a forest green tunic with dark brown pants. She also has a black hooded  cloak. A Ether-Flake undershirt. A silver leaf-shaped clasp with golden vines entwining the stem holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets and bracers made of hard leather with wide steel bands, a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds small vials of poisons. The ear cuff on her right ear is a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.
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Personality:
While Celebriän has a more out going personally than the rest of her tribe she still was taught by them. While she tends to open her mouth more ,she opens it about opinions. She keeps her true feeling to herself. She does not open up to reveal her true self to others and some times puts on a “mask” that hides her true feelings. When asked about personal feelings or the Eophyrhim life style she will become defensive and will try to steer of the current topic.

Celebriän finds beauty in simple things such as a sunbeam, songbirds, flowers, or a creek with moss covered rocks. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. Unless the animal is in pain and nothing can be done for it, in that case she will try to bring it to a swift death.  She would help an animal in need and is angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary.

 If wandering in the middle of nowhere she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body, she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits.

She also holds grudges against people and is rash. This mix can lead to problems. Like to the time a man who she had a grudge against challenged to a dual. She accepted. Both of them where caught by the local guards, both where stuck in prison for three nights.

 Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but does not mind staying at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and think. Some of the time she will think what she will do the next day. Sometimes she will think back to life in the Paelelon forest.

While people will try to avoid Celebrian because she is a drow, she on the other hand tries to be nice. She knows that she is not liked, and living in the middle of a continent that frowns upon her is hard.
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Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles. They are each about two fores, eight nailsbreadths, in length.

Pet: Ilmdril not only helps in traveling, but is also a great companion. Celebrian will sometimes to talk to Ilmdril. Celebrian does not usually include Ilmdril in fights, she prefers the ground under her feet.

Drow: She is stronger than a human woman of her size, and has better vision at night. She is more agile and quicker. This helps in fighting. Men will usually underestimate her strength.

Aweraness: she is generally alert and aware of her surroundings

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places. She also feels claustrophobic in cities and larger towns. This is due to the over welling noise and things going on at ones. It is also hard for her to be aware of her surroundings with all the action and movement at one time.

  Dislikes authority:  Since Celebriän dislikes authority she has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will heed the laws of the land if, but if she wants to break one she will. She has spent the night in a prison more than once. This will pop up if some authoritative figure is trying to tell her what to do. Or if she is in trouble with the law or town guards she will usually make a fuss.

Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash; she sometimes does not think things out all the way.

Drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf, and is sometimes avoided in bars, towns, and cities. This makes it hard to get information sometimes.
 
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History
  As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim. She was always more outspoken and voiced her thoughts. She was taught from a young age not to do so. But that would not stop Celebriän; instead she went out and talked to animals and trees. She could not understand how the rest of her people could just not voice what they where feeling. She found delight in expressing her self. Always trying to change something ever so slightly to reflect her self. The elders scolded her for such behavior, so she learned to hold her tongue until she got away from the rest of the people She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life of the Eophyrhim people.

  When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. They did this after a cleric had a vision of Celebrian fighting something { that something was not seen in the vision}.The cleric also saw how gifted she was, as she danced around her opponent. Her scimitars a blur in her hands. The battle took place at the edge of the forestland.  The parents assumed it was against rival humans or elves. Due to the vision Aria and Azunur choose her to be trained in the scimitars.The whole vision never came true, although Celebriän is very talented with the scimitars. So half of it came true 

While Celebriän lived with the drow she lived like a drow. Mostly saying what was needed to avoid conflicts. She tried to think like them, masking her feelings.

Celebriän was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival, She did not participate due not wanting eat a human. She had participated in the last festival 25 years ago but had sneaked out of eating any human. She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs with her. She was about 50 years old.



     --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pets
Ilmdril- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she bought from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Ilmdril is a Kor’och fey Mologh. Her coat is bay. Her mane and tail are blackish brownish. She is 15.7 hands tall.
          Ilmdril is usually good tempered. She is not scared of flapping sheets and sudden movements, but if caught unaware she might spook. Ilmdril is also scared of whips. Celebriän thinks this is due to a former master. The horse likes Celebriän and the two are good friends. Ilmdril looks forward to visiting towns, she knows a treat will be in store for her.
            Contradicting her usually calm behavior, Ilmdril gets upset when Celebrian is in a fight. Celebrian does not know if this is due to the noise, or the fact that Celebriän is in danger.


Title: Re: Sirrist/Centourians,Eophyrhim Dark Elves/Theif
Post by: Simonne Miller on November 21, 2007, 05:27:53 PM
Hello, and welcome to Santharia!

This is what I meant with creating a new topic :)

We ask that user name and character name are the same. Also, could you please add the names of the different sections? So Name, Gender, Age, and so on.

With regard,
Simonne


Title: Re: Celebriän Telrúnya/ Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Theif
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 23, 2007, 05:07:31 AM
ok did that what else should i edit


Title: Re: Celebriän Telrúnya/ Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Theif
Post by: Sir Ruil Mallister on November 23, 2007, 08:23:46 AM
"Thief" is spelled T-H-I-E-F.


Title: Re: Celebriän Telrúnya/ Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Theif
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on November 23, 2007, 11:40:29 AM
Forgive me, but I am concerned about the last name here, as it is in use by another character who is usually very active here.


Title: Re: Celebriän Telrúnya/ Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 24, 2007, 11:03:34 AM
that is why i have a first name


Title: Re: Celebriän Telrúnya/ Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Sir Ruil Mallister on November 24, 2007, 11:13:55 AM
Unfortunately, I must say that if an already approved player asks you to change a name because it's similar to the one (s)he chose, then usually you should change it.  Especially if the person is very active.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 24, 2007, 05:31:08 PM
what else??


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 26, 2007, 07:34:28 PM
Hello Celebriän :)  One in-depth Uri-check coming up.

Name:Celebriän
gender: Female
Age: 17 years old (Elves age slower than humans, so at 17, your half-elf has the approximate knowledge and appearance of a 14 yr old.  Not only is it unlikely that she would have left her tribe at this age, she is also rather skilled for such a young person.)
Race: Elf/Human
Tribe: (add space here) (Centoraurian) and Eophyrhim
Job?: steals, (add space here) pickpockets, and salvages (do you mean scavenges?)  
???:Exiled wander (Why the ???.  Is this your title?)
  (W)eight- 1 ped,2 Fores and 1 nailsbreath
   Height-1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut
    Hair-Jet Black
 Eyes: piercing  (unnecessary double spacing)dark brown eyes
(Why are three of these indented?)

 Character Description: Celebriän has black hair and dark eyes.  (space space)She is also slender Has (is this one sentence or two?) some of her fathers elfish beauty and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature and bony edges.  (space space)Celebriän is sometimes mistaken for a more earthy (“earthy” normally refers to humans or dwarves rather than the fine-boned elves) eophyrhim and is therefor(e)  (unnecessary double spacing)avoided in towns and villages.  (space space)Celebriän has a facial piercing due to exile from the Paelelon forests and a scar of a broken circle on her left cheek from when she heated up a broken ring a pressed it against her cheek. (When did she do that?  Some more detail would also be nice here – maybe describing her face as that’s what people will be looking at most of the time.)
(space for new paragraph.  To be honest, you are perfectly capable of looking through and putting in the correction punctuation yourself, so I’ll leave the rest of the grammar to you.  Spellchecking would also be a vast improvement.)
      Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pant(s) with a dark gray hooded cape held on by a silver leaf shaped clasp.Sirrist (who is Sirrist?) also has a silver drow charm on a sturdy silver chain.She also (you’ve used “also” quite a few times – maybe you could rephrase slightly to improve the flow?) has a pair of razorclaw gauntlets (then this should go in your strengths, as its a weapon.  You should also describe how you got it in your history.) and bracers, a pair of soft leather boots.A arrow quiver that has silver inlaying and a bow sleeve,and a  leather pouch that holds a small  vial of drow poison. (You have some nice details here.)

 Attitude(Could you title this “Personality”?  Sticking to the formula makes it easier for people to quickly find things in your CD.):    Celebriänis dark and roguish,but will still help a person for the right price.Celebriän is the person who will (prefer) to take out her prey from the shadows with her bow.She also prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood.  (This tells us how she acts when working/hunting but it doesn’t tell us how she interacts with people she just met off the street.  Does she enjoy talking to people?  How would she react if threatened?  Does she seek a fight or try to avoid one?  Does she get on equally with all races/genders/tribes?  It might be worth reading some other approved CDs to get some more ideas too :))

 strengths: (Capital Letter!!)

   -Archery  Celebriän self taught (how do you teach yourself archery?  IMHO This requires either a teacher, or a good explanation in your history)  herself the skill of archery when she wanted to shoot like the young drow men. It is also a common weapon  for the drow

       -Swordmanship when Celebriän  was a child she would (borrow) her friends sword and have mock duals with the boys, until the age of 14 when her father bought her a sword with drow poison on it.
     - thieving skills,  Celebriän taught herself how to pick the locks and the pockets of the (neighbouring)  drow until that one day where she was caught (pick pocketing) a High Elf
         - tracking,raised with the drown the hunting tribe Sirrist  was taught  to track at a young age (who is Sirrist?)

                 Weakness
                  - vulnerable in open space,  Celebriän relies on cover to pick out her targets with  her bow,as a child she used to use the forests of Paeleon for her cover, she is not adapted to the plains and fields.
                  -  Magic Celebriän has no magic and has had no encounters with is leaving a big (vulnerability) for a magic user to find. (You need to compare yourself against the average peasant, who has no magical skills whatsoever.  Hence not having magic is normal rather than a weakness.)
                      -claustrophobic Celebriän has claustrophobia (leading) up to not using the nooks and crannies of the thieves (this sentence is confusingly worded, could you rephrase it?)
                       -restlessness Celebriän can not sit still for long periods of time making (it) hard to wait for prey and enemies.  (Could you give us an example?  At the moment its unclear just how much this effects her.)
     
                                              History 
 Celebriän was born of a human woman who was raped by a Eophyrim,her mother died after Celebriän was born in the Paelelon forest. (Why was her mother there?  Eophyrhim eleves are known to kill anyone who trespasses.  Also why would they then keep her?  In their entry it specifically says they execute trespassers.  I would suggest three different options 1) Make her a pure Centoraurian – you can probably learn pick pocketing skills better in a large city, and I suspect some of them would hunt too.  2) Make her pure Eophyrim, this would not change much of her history at all 3) Find a good reason for her mother to be a friend of the Eophyrim, as the entry mentions the fact that they are “polite, calm and respectful” Then have the father fall in love with her.  Just be aware that half elves are not well thought of or generally excepted in Santharia as a whole, they will never really fit in within either a human or an elf settlement.  You should probably mention this in her history)
 Celebriän was then taken it to live as a  drow, (there) she lived happily if that can be said until she was vain of her (pick pocketing) skills (why did she learn pick pocketing? One of their laws is “Participate or be exiled” so it sounds as if they tend to work together rather than for themselves.  Maybe you could exploit her human ancestry here?)  and put them to the test to pickpocket a High Drow Elf (Taken straight from the Eophyrhim entry – “The Eophyrhim have little in the way of government. It is based upon respect. Clerics and mages are the most respected. After that, it is based on skill in hunting. There is no surpreme overlord or ruler, each Eophyrhim colony is closely linked with its neighbors.” Use Cleric or Mage instead.)and she failed at the age of 15 (At 15 she would have the approximate knowledge and appearance of a 12yr old.) she as forced to pierce her face and was exiled from the Paelelon forest. Celebriän  had fashioned a black bow at that age of 14, (This is a complicated skill, something which I think she has to be taught/shown how to do rather than just do it) she took this(,) her sword and her hunting hound Azuca and left Paelelon Forest forever.She now wanders the land.

   Pets
           - Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest  (What does the horse look like, what breed is it, hold old, male or female?)
             -Azuca- is her loyal hunting hound from the forests (Same again)

(As much as I hate to sound bossy, it really is annoying to read through to correct grammar mistakes when the author has obviously made no effort to do so themselves.  Please re-read your CD thoroughly, for I doubt anyone else will comment until you do ;)

On the other hand, you have obviously done some reading, and I like the little details like the names and jewellery.  If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask them here and I, or anyone else will get back to you ;)

Good luck on getting titled!)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 28, 2007, 10:07:11 AM
ok , on the archery thing i have taught myself archery and i am good at it to


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on November 29, 2007, 01:26:00 PM
 :grin: ok im all done with that now what?? :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 29, 2007, 07:37:57 PM
 ~ Please do a spelling and punctuation check.

 ~ Please find a good reason of how your mother became a friend of the dark elves and then write a detailed explanation.

 ~ Who is Sirrist?

(Please note that I have already said the above comments in my previous post.)

 ~ We don't have American paint horses in Santharia, have a look in the beastery on the main site for the breeds we do have.  Or you could simply say something like "its a strange, unknown mix of breeds, but it is this colour".

 ~ I spoke to someone with more knowledge of archery than I and he said that it should be possible to teach yourself archery  :).  However, there might be several times where you hurt yourself with the bow-string, and many failed shots. It would be good to see a paragraph detailing why you first picked up the bow, why you taught yourself rather than got someone to teach you, and how you practiced and gradually got better.

 ~ You are only 21 (with the knowledge and training of a 17 year old human) and are already skilled in razor gauntlets, sword and bow, plus tracking and pick pocketing.  With so many skills and so few years, you can't really be very good at any of these - you just wouldn't have had the time to practice.  Personally I would choose one weapon as your main weapon, then say she has had some basic training in the others, or drop one all together.  I'm not quite sure how good you are at tracking and pick pocketing, but the same thing applies to these.

 ~ Your strengths and weaknesses are rather unbalanced, could you please add some weaknesses and/or take away one of those weapons?  Toning down your strengths to fit your age better would help with this issue too :)

 ~ How come you have a Zeiphyrian hunting hound?  Your drow tribe have their own breed.  I'm not saying its impossible, only that it needs an explanation ;).

 ~ Oh and your pets also count as strengths, so could you add them to the relevant section.

I hope this helps

Rookie xxx


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 08, 2007, 04:43:36 AM
ok i think i fixed all that,but i can not find the name sirrist in my CD


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on December 08, 2007, 04:56:04 AM
Quote
- thieving skills,  Celebriän taught herself how to pick the locks and the pockets after hearing the stories her mother would tell her about her city life until that one day where she was caught pickpocketing a cleric         - tracking,raised with the drow the hunting tribe Sirrist  was taught to track at a young age


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 08, 2007, 05:11:08 AM
ok ,fixed that to


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on December 10, 2007, 07:32:30 PM
Without giving you a complete uri, I'd advise you to fix your grammar and format. For one, your history is really too short, and the first section should be called Physical Appearance. But honestly, grammar should be the first thing on your list. I should think that a gramatically correct CD would attract more comments than one without, won't you?  ;)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 11, 2007, 12:52:12 PM
but i have done that i have used Microsoft word and my mother.I DO NOT SEE HOW TO EMPROVE IT AND I CANT!!!!!


Title: Re: Celebriän / Centourians, Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Thief
Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on December 11, 2007, 01:20:52 PM
Listen.

It's IMPROVE. Shouting will get you nowhere. Be polite. Your S&W are all over the place. Try putting a new strength/weakness one line down. You're overpowered. Try to balance with either more weaknesses, or less strenghts. Expand on your history. If you can't think of any ideas, try to put more detail in you already have. Like, why did she do what she did? What happened after?

Have a nice day.
Seh'nara


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 14, 2007, 08:44:56 AM
ok,done


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Ranger
Post by: Simonne Miller on December 14, 2007, 05:40:38 PM
If you want comments, please use the appropriate posticon :)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim Dark Elves/ Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 15, 2007, 08:46:39 AM
fixed that to


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger please comment
Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on December 16, 2007, 03:19:57 PM
May I please quote Twen, one of our CD mods here:

Maybe pondering the basic rules of this forum would help you gather more useful comments. The thread at the top of this forum with the words "Must Read" might be an indication you should .... read them.

Quote
1) When you create the thread in which you are going to post your character description or CD. CD is the short form of “Character Description”, pretty commonly used in these parts. So it would be wise to become acquainted with it now. The Moderators and Administration respectfully request that the title of your thread contains nothing more or less than Name/Tribe/Occupation. These simple notations draw the attention of those most qualified to help you. “Not so difficult, don’t you think?”

I think the above quote from that thread is most fitting here, don't you? Possibly reading it in its entirety would save from future misunderstandings. When the effort to do the best you can is ignored, sometimes the Mods feel that their efforts are not being appreciated.

Have a nice day.
Seh'nara


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger please comment
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 16, 2007, 03:46:18 PM
ok


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger please comment
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on December 16, 2007, 04:02:21 PM
The tribe you have mentioned are dark of hair, black and dark brown being the predominant. Also their skin is very pallid and as such .... your avatar does not give a remote idea of your characters looks. There is only one tribe of elves that have red eyes (This is from an eye disease and is not natural) and your character is not from them, hence no red eyes. In addition the name Do'Urden is a registered trademark, so it should be changed as well.

P.S.: Either change the title of your thread or I shall change it.
~Sincerely~
Cáo cár'tuulenís:Twen Araerwen


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 16, 2007, 05:32:32 PM
what more have i too do,or is it mod ready? please  :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on December 23, 2007, 09:18:00 AM
bump


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Eléyr Fásamár on December 24, 2007, 07:43:14 AM
Just a couple ideas while you are waiting for a mod...

You mention a scar from a spear being thrown at your face in your appearance. Perhaps you would consider recounting this tale in your history? Also in your history you mention piercing your face. You could describe exactly what these piercings look like in your appearance section.

Also you could look at a CD of one of the already approved characters. Most of them have their CD links in their sig. Then you can see the level of detail most people look for on this site.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on January 04, 2008, 10:19:06 AM
bump


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on January 04, 2008, 01:01:59 PM
Since it still has the pencil Icon, the moderators will assume that you are still writing this CD, and thus there is no need to 'bump' it. If, however, this is ready for comments, you  should put up the exclamation mark icon :)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on January 10, 2008, 12:28:28 PM
I am in the middle of adding/typing six pages into my CD and i dont have a lot of time and all so it is tacking me a while


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on January 11, 2008, 01:32:55 PM
Im done with the adding to the CD comments welcome people


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Eléyr Fásamár on January 12, 2008, 10:36:17 AM
Hello Celebrian! I'll take a look over it, but I mainly seem some grammar. Comments in this Royal shade of Blue!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 47 years old
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Ranger
Title: Exiled wander
Weight:1 ped,2 Fores and 1 nailsbreath
Height:1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut
Hair: dark brown
Eyes:brown

Physical Description: Celebriän has black hair and piercing brown eyes. She is also slender, has some of her fathers elfish beauty(comma) and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature(s) and bony edges. Celebriän is a pure Eophyrhim and it is clearly shown by her Eophyrhim features making her stand out in a crowd. This is a run-on sentence, and could be broken down into at least two. She will usually wear her cloak(comma) to avoid being singled out. She has a split on the top corner off(of) her left ear(comma) from a spear thrown at her. Celebriän has a facial piercing(comma) due to exile from the Paelelon forests and a tattoo of a circle on her left cheek.  This could be broken into at least two seperate sentences, and you could go into so much more detail here. What exactly does her piercing look like? Does it have jewels? Is it metal? What color is it for a start?

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pant(s)(comma) with a dark gray hooded cloak held on by a silver leaf shaped clasp.I can think of four seperate sentences for these. You should at least break them down into two. Celebriän also has a silver drow charm on a sturdy silver chain. She has a pair of gauntlets and a pair of soft leather boots. An arrow quiver that has silver inlaying and a bow sleeve, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of drow poison. The ear cuff on her right ear is a Spiro Ear Cuff. The design is fluid and playful. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

 Personality: Celebriän is dark and roguish,(no comma) (period) (new sentence) she will help a person in need if she wants(comma) but will usually need some sort of payment.  Celebriän is the(type of) person who will prefer to take out her prey from the shadows(comma) with her bow. She also prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood. She is not very trustful of people she has only meet(just met), and does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable in 2-3 person groups of her friends and her pets. Celebriän only kills animals when needed, she would help and(an) animal in need and gets angered by people and things who are/do hurt animals when it is not necessary. She has indecated(indicated this) in her past.[/glow] She all soalso holds grudges. She holds no grudges, but she hates people who are mean to animals, and is farely anti-social?
               Celebriän is not what you could say (would call) as “violent”(space)as the rest as the Eophyrhim(no space) .(space)She is usually avoided in towns and villages(comma) due to her race, people will generally ignore her or have nothing to do with her.
           Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at a inn or bar for the night {if they let her}.(space)When in a bar or a inn she will order a beer, sit in a dark corner and watch the people silently from under her hood.Remember the Cliché topic. Well, this is borderline on the "powerful person sitting in the dark corner".

I would advise you to look over the grammar in your history. Don't have time to check it, but that seems the problem throughout the rest of the CD! Keep working, and hopefully you will get titled soon!
Sincerely,
Eleyr Fasamar


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on January 12, 2008, 10:44:36 AM
I just fixed the space issue you had at the end of your CD hun :)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on January 12, 2008, 03:27:16 PM
Ok i have spell-profed the history with Word so that should do it.And im working on the facial peircing and tatto


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on January 13, 2008, 05:30:46 AM
Ok,all done.Comments welcome


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on January 13, 2008, 07:02:52 AM
Heyo Celebrian! I'd just thought I'd add a little LIME to your 'Lemon'.

First off, there seems to be a few issues with a lot of your paragraphs in how far the first sentence is indented. It looks like you got a little crazy with the Tab Key :p You're gonna wanna fix that to make it much easier to read. I'm going to Fix it as best i can in this post, so you could consider just Copying / pasting this post, and editing my Comments out :)

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 47 years old
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Ranger
Title: Exiled wander
Weight:1 ped,2 Fores and 1 nailsbreath
Height:1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut You have Height and Weight mixed up, and quite exact i must say. Weight is prefered to be shown in just the amount of 'ods', and i don't think you need to have your character's height down to the nailsbreadth ;)
Hair: dark brown
Eyes:brown

Physical Description: Celebriän has black hair length and style hair? as you have it written, your character's hair can be anywhere from nearly shaven to down to her :rolling: knees :p and piercing brown eyes. She is also slender, has some of her fathers elfish beauty, and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature and bony edges. Celebriän is a pure Eophyrhim. This is clearly shown by her Eophyrhim features making her stand out in a crowd. She will usually wear her cloak, to avoid being singled out. She has a split on the top corner of her left ear from a spear thrown at her. Celebriän has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests and a tattoo of a circle why a circle?on her left cheek.

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pants, with a dark gray hooded cloak. It is held on by a silver leaf shaped clasp. Celebriän also has a silver drow charm Define 'Drow charm' what does this 'drow charm' look like? on a sturdy silver chain. She has a pair of gauntlets made of? Gauntlents can be anything from leather to mithril. What are hers? and a pair of soft leather boots. An arrow quiver that has silver inlaying and a bow sleeve, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of drow poison. The Eophyrhim entry says nothing about the use of poison, thus 'drow poison' wouldn't be well ...existant...unless you are talking about a different kind of drow. The ear cuff on her right ear is a Spiro Spiro? Do you mean Spiral? I do not understand this word. Ear Cuff. The design is fluid and playful. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

 Personality: Celebriän is dark and roguish. She will help a person in need if she wants but will usually need some sort of payment. Celebriän is the type of  person who will prefer to take out her prey from the shadows, with her bow. She also prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood. She is not very trustful of people she has just meets, and she does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable with her  pets. Celebriän only kills animals when needed, she would help an animal in need and gets angered by people and things who hurt animals when it is not necessary. She has indicated this in her past. She also holds grudges agains people.

Celebriän is not what you would call as “violent”(spacebar!)as the rest as the Eophyrhim. She is usually avoided in towns and villages due to her race, people will generally ignore her or have nothing to do with her.

Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at a inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or a inn she will order a beer, sit along the wall  and watch the people from under her hood. She likes to watch people and how they act, she finds it interesting.

Alright, this is where most first time CDs are most lacking. Realize that the Personality Section is what defines how your character is. It describes WHO your character, and your history explains how they became that person. Both should be indepth, full and rich. My suggestion would be to put a lot of thought into 'WHO' your character is, and tell us in this section. You say Cerebrian is 'Dark and roguish', well elaborate on that. Tell us everything about how she thinks and acts, then go to history and tell us why.

Strengths:
Archery: Celebriän learned the skill of archery from her father when she wanted to shoot like the young drow men. It is also a common weapon for the drow: she has found it to her liking.

Steel scimitars: Celebriän tricked these from a rich, wealthy merchant in a unfair game of chance. After “getting” getting sounds so...out of place in the quotations. I'd say...'After "winning" the scimitars the scimitars he fled from the merchant and his guards. One of the guards threw a spear at her and split the top corner of her ear.

Pets: Celebriän pets all so aid her in her life. Hunting and for company is Azuca's part. And also for companionship Falhófnir will also help in traveling.

a drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf she is usually avoided in bars, towns , cities, ect. She is the last one to be picked on. She is also stronger than a human woman of her same size. and would have better vision at night

Weakness:
Caustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying it small, crammed spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places a thief might hide.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races.

Is a drow: Even though(no T) she no longer is part of the Eophyrhim tribe (and is a little disgusted with the Arvins festival) she is looked down upon and avoided. Celebriän does not make/have close relationships, she is more of that outsider, with no real enemies, but no(no space required)body would call her a “friend”.

Rash: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash, she sometimes not think things out all the way. Add this to Personality!

Two things about your S&W. first: When listing them off, be more uniform. Notice i changed them all to have have colons, as opposed to the sometimes a dash, sometimes a coma. Second: Your character is pretty out of balance right now. Proficiency it two weapons (including duel wielding blades of moderate length), pets, and being of the Eophyrhim tribe makes you quite the warrior, and your Weaknesses do not counterbalance this. My suggestion would be to, again, put a lot of thought into your personality, and take debilitating parts of your personality and add them here, and take the good parts of personality, and add them to your strengths.

History
As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the drow, her mother told her to listen to her heart That sounds like something an Eophyrhim mother would *not* say. Her mother also told fascinating stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wished in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told too of the people how there were pick pockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Eophyrhim are reclusive. Even if your mother did know of these cities and their experiences, which i doubt unless it was in a seriously negative viewpoint, i doubt she would tell such stories unless, again, it was from a negative viewpoint.

When she was about thirteen a thirteen year old eophyrhim would be the equivalent of a human toddler her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. From the Eophyrhim entry, i got the feeling that women weren't often trained as warriors, especially from a young age. Celebriän picked two steel scimitars as her first hand First hand? i don't understand what you mean here weapon and a bow as her secondary weapon. Celebriän excelled at the swords, but at the bow she had a harder time but still was still relatively good. Celebriän in the end she was better at the scimitars and uses these in fights. She carries them everywhere and will not willing give them up with out a fight. The bow mainly stays strapped to her pack and is used only for hunting. These two sentences do not belong in history i think.

Celebriän could not let such an opportunity as pick pocketing one of the mages ...Could not let the opportunity do what? The Sentence is unfinished. .A little explanation would be nice, some lead up as to what mage and why your character tried to pickpocket what from them She failed and was caught. She was exiled from the drow territory and was forced to pierce her face. Before she left she was allowed to take her weapons, armor, and her animals with her. She now wanders the land.

Celebrian has always felt that animals are for food and travel use, but she also thinks that just because we have a higher intelligence we should not abuse or mistreat them. That they have feelings to and we should respect them not as people but as companions. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal for but, but the killing should be done with respect. This should all be put in personality, and just describe this specific instance in the history. An example of this was when she saw a man beating his horse with a riding crop. The horse was exhausted and had collapsed on the ground. Celebrian saw this and was outraged. Celebrian rode (on her horse) over to the man.

“If you let your horse rest you will be on your way faster than if you beat it repeatedly.” said Celebrian
“Who are ye to tell me what to doing with me animal?” replied the man haughtily
“I am no one of importance, but of you continue to beat your animal I will have to do something.”
“Oh will ya now girly.” with that he can the horse another lash
“Well fine with me then. If I can’t change your mind, but let me take a look at your horse than maybe I can help if.”
“Well, ok then but mind you if you slip that hand o’yern in to me saddlebags that will be the last thing you steal on earth”
Celebrian than when over to the Centoraurian horse but quick as lightning she darted over to the man, scimitars seemingly magically appearing at her hands, than at the mans throat.”
“I will not harm you much, but just so you have some thinking time for your self, I will tie you to a tree”.

And so Celebrian did much to the man’s discomfort, unamusment, and loud protests to the fact he was being tied to a tree and was probable going to be there for a while.

‘Ye can’t do tis to me.” The out-raged man huffed
“Well I just did sorry to disappoint you. Well now that’s done and over with I will relive you of your weighty purse here my friend. Oh hers a little some thing to remember me by.”

That Celebrian raised the tip of one scimitar and almost too quick for the eye she cut of the man’s cheeks.
‘Oy!! What the be for yer thieving dog”
 “Let’s call in a memory, that cut will scar, you will remember this for a while”   

With that Celebrian mounted her horse with Azuca falling in step with the horse left.

This entire situation makes me think that your character is far MORE violent than the Eophyrhim Race, not less so, as your personality says. You attacked, bound, and scarred a man merely for hitting a horse, whereas The eophyrhim only attack trespassers. Thus, a revision of your personality needs to be done, or this entire event is very out of character.
   
Another time as Celebrian as wandering about she came upon a merchant and a small group of guards. At the sight of an Eophyrhim the guards became unnerved slightly.

“What is your business with the merchant Cristoffels.” asked the captain of the guards.”
“I would like to see if he has any weapons for sale,” answered Celebrian promptly
“Then go into his tent, but take one of my guards with you.” Added the guard
         
With the guard keeping a close eye on Celebrian she entered the tent. When in she saw a man sitting at a desk polishing a golden sapphire necklace.

“Ah an elf, come to buy my wears no doubt.” He said trying to hide his feelings that there was an Eophyrhim (remove this was) standing in front of him.
“You are right I have, do you have any weapons for barter.
“Yes I have a dagger with a jeweled hilt, a short sword, and dual scimitars both having sheaths.” Replied merchant Cristoffels

“I have an interest in theses scimitars,” Celebrian stated after browsing over the weapons. “ I have a game of chance with me. I will make you deal, we will play the game if I win you give me the scimitars, belt, and sheath-
“If I win I get that silver charm and the chain.” Interrupted the merchant.
“Fine then. Now how you play is I have here a cup and in it are six balls, three white each is one point, two red five points each, and the last one is black and is twenty-five points. We will each take a turn to with out looking take two balls from the cup. The one with the most points wins.”
“Sounds good ill go first,” said the merchant eagerly the idea of the valuable charm imprinted in his mind.  And with that he reached in and drew out a red and a white.
“Ha beat that elf’!!!!

Then Celebrian reached in and drew a black and a red. With that the merchant’s smile crumbled as he realized he had lost to good scimitars to an elf basically handing them to her for free. Slowly he handed over the scimitars, the belt, and the sheaths.

Then he realized something. The balls she was still holding had bumps on them the red and three and the whites had two swiftly he scooped up the black one it have five bumps on it! Please, only one exclamation mark. and this entire sentence needs to be re thought, for it makes little sense, and is grammatically very hard to read

“ You thieving dark elf,” hissed the merchant the words laced with poison
“Cruros” shouted the merchant to the guard “apprehend her.”

Then Celebrian, in what seemed one whole graceful move, drew one of the scimitars and hit the guard on the head with the hilt knocking him out. Also at what seemed like the same time pivoted and slashed at the merchant not to hit him but instead to send him reeling back head over heels as he tripped backward over the table her had first sat on. Then Celebrian charged out of the tent as fast as her legs could go. A second later the merchant came out sputtering, “Get her you fools get her” One of the guards then threw a javelin at Celebrian. Celebrian then felt a burst of pain as blood flowed from her ear. The spear had gone through the top of her left ear and landed in front of her. She stumbled a little bit, surprised at blood flowing from her ear. But she ran on with the guards not far behind. Then she reached her horse, breathing hard with both the scimitars tucked under her arm she mounted her horse and fled much to the disappointment to the guards. They knew that the merchant would not be at all happy with is turn of events. Grumpily they turned back knowing they could not  out-run a horse. That's the end of her history?

Pets
Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest. Falhófnir is an unknown breed of horse There are no 'unknown' breeds of horses. Remember the CD is written from an omniscient point of view. The CD knows the breed of the horse, despite whether or not the character does :); he has combination of white and black coat. He is 15.3 hands tall.
Azuca- is her loyal hunting hound from the forests. She is a hunting hound. And she has black fur on her back and underside. And she has beggy large brown eyes.

Alright. A good first CD, but a few things need to be acknowledged beyond my above comments. There were numerous errors with spacing, comas, and paragraphs. My suggestion would be to copy and past my entire post, and then edit out my comments. Other than that, follow my comments, and you will be well on your way to your first approval!

EDIT: I was posting this when you posted about your facial tattoo


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on January 14, 2008, 04:10:29 AM
Quote
She is also slender, has some of her fathers elfish beauty ,and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature and bony edges.

That implies she isn't a pure Eophyrhim.


And please run your CD through a spell check. I picked up about 10 misspelled words in the appearance section alone.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Ranger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 03, 2008, 01:50:04 PM
Im done with the adding to the CD. comments welcome      :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Thael Rusthorn on February 03, 2008, 02:12:17 PM
Hi, i'm not a mod but please take my advice and spell check your CD repeatedly. It makes the mods job easier, and will hurry your approval along that much faster. :)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 03, 2008, 04:14:17 PM
Ok.i have just used Microsoft Word spell checked my CD.comment welcome :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Sir Ruil Mallister on February 04, 2008, 04:25:27 PM
A couple worries that have caught my eye.  First off, merely having two scimitars is not a strength in and of itself, but rather the skill in wielding said weapons.  Your scimitar strength does nothing to show us the extent to which Celebrian can use these swords.  For all we know, she could hurt her hand the first time she actually struck something hard (like armor) and drop the sword.  She could be completely unstoppable even when compared to those characters who have used their weapons for much longer.  A few sentences, at the least, eliminating the vagueness of the "scimitars" strength would help immensely.

Other than that, it seems you have not made the changes Pikel asked you to.  Sure, you've made some corrections and elaborated on some things, but the imbalance of the S&Ws in general is still present, even though Pikel has asked you to reflect upon this.  Please read his previous post again and pay attention to each point he makes.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 05, 2008, 11:20:38 AM
Ya i did, i took away her archery and her hunting hound.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 06, 2008, 01:42:48 PM
Im done with the adding to the CD. comments welcome   :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on February 08, 2008, 05:57:54 PM
Again, Your weaknesses to not balance your strengths. I suggest adding in more.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue/scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 10, 2008, 04:38:45 AM
Im done with the S&W problem i think i have resolved it by adding three more weakness to the CD. comments welcome  :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: Eléyr Fásamár on February 11, 2008, 10:29:01 AM
Hello Celebriän, I shall once again give a few comments in this Royal hue of Blue!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 27 Years old {human years}Please give her elven age. I did the calculation and she should be 153. If you want to give her human ages add two more sections
Appearance Age:27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue and scavenger{ basicly<--basically anything honest or not}
Weight: 1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut
Height: 1 ped,2 Fores Can you put spaces in between the commas and the numbers in these two sections?
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown with golden flakes<-- I would assume this word should be flecks, as flaking eyes would just seem rather... disturbing.
Title:Lost Eophyrhim

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; it is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back and in a braid. Her bangs are grown out(comma) and are the same length of <--as her hair and in braids. Celebriän’s hair(comma) when down(comma) can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed(comma) her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flakes.(space)She is also slender, with fine features with a bony edge. Celebriän is a pure Eophyrhim. This is clearly shown by her Eophyrhim features.Why not combine these two sentences into something like, "Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people" She has a split on the top corner of her left ear from a spear thrown at her.
  Celebriän has two facial piercing<-- piercings, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. She also has a tattoo of the sun on her shoulder. The tattoo is black. The facial piercing<-- piercings are at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, they are metal. They have a smooth straight shaft. This is the part that goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are balls(comma) two for each shaft. The piercing<-- piercings are side by side(period)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 11, 2008, 10:46:16 AM
Thank you Eléyr,i have fixed that part of the CD.Comment welcome! :grin: :grin:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: Eoranna Melor on February 11, 2008, 03:17:30 PM
OK, I have gone over you CD and taken the liberty of making some corrections to grammar and punctuation, as well as made some stylistic suggestions that will make for an easier read.  Also, take a look at strengths and weaknesses as I found some problems there.  I figured since you helped with mine, the least I could do was help you out, too!  Corrections are in the annoying color of [color=orange blue]orange… Sorry…[/color] Also, feel free to copy and paste the corrected CD, minus blue suggestions, of course.  Best of luck to you!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age:27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue and scavenger, basically anything honest or not}
Title:  wander
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut
Height: 1 ped, 2 Fores This is a little short for an Eophyrhim.  They are usually 2 around 2 peds.
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; it is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back and in a braid. Her bangs are grown out, and are the same length as her hair and in braids. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features with a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people.  Celebrian has two facial piercings, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. She also has a tattoo of the sun on her shoulder. The tattoo is black. The facial piercings are at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, they are metal. They have a smooth straight shaft. This is the part that goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are metal balls, two for each shaft. The piercings are side by side.


 

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pants, with a dark gray hooded cloak. A silver leaf-shaped clasp holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets made of hard leather with steel bands,
 and a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of poison I am familiar with the Eophyrhim page, and they do in fact have their own poison. The ear cuff on her right ear is shaped like a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

Personality:
Celebriän is dark and roguish.  When in a town or a village she is usually a bit reclusive and does not want to draw a lot of attention to herself.  Also when in a town she will keep her hood up, people will sometimes avoid her due to her aura. She is not afraid to steal or rob for things. She also finds beauty is a simple thing. (the following sentence is a sentence fragment.  Find a way to combine with previous sentence) Such as songbirds and delicate flowers. If wandering in the middle of no where she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits. She will help a person in need if she wants but will usually need some sort of payment, usually some food or a bit of money. She prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood, unless traveling in the middle of the woods .She is not usually very trustful people she just meets, and she does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable with her pet. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. She would help an animal in need and gets angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but the killing should be done with respect. She also holds grudges against people. She is also rash. This mix can lead to problems.  Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at an inn or bar for the night.  When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and watch the people, or think. She likes to watch people and how they act.  She finds it interesting.
   
 Strengths
scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance.  The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles,thay are each about 2 Fores, 1 Nailsbreadth, 4 Grains with out the handles.

Pets: Celebriän’s pet all so aid her in her life. For companionship, Falhófnir will also help in traveling. These sentences are hard to understand.

A drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf she is usually avoided in bars, towns, and cities, ECT.
She is also stronger than a human woman of her same size, and has better vision at night

Wood land skills: Celebrian can live in the woods with no aid. She does not need to live near a town or spend the night in one, but she does prefer it.

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying it small, crammed  should be “cramped”  spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races.

Is a drow: Even though she no longer is part of the Eophyrhim tribe she is avoided. Celebriän does not have close relationships, she is more of that outsider, with no real enemies, but nobody would call her a “friend”. I am not sure if it works to include the same quality in weaknesses and strengths.  Maybe you should cut it out altogether.

Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash, she sometimes not think things out all the way. Add this to holding grudges it can get a bit hell-tick.

Not-caring: Celebrian does not realy care about stuff.If a war was going on she would not bother to care. She does not care about the law. This has landed her in trouble multipule times.  (perhaps just “Does not care about the law” should be her weakness, as the other parts seem irrelevant. Or you could throw this in with “dislikes authority” as they are obviously related.  In fact, it seems you already have, so I would cut this weakness out completely.

Dislikes authority: Celebarin has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land.She has spent the night in a prision more than onece

Instincts: In a fight Celebrians instincts will some times take over.This can lead to brash or clumsy movements. Instinct is usually considered as a positive aspect, which enhances reflexes and dexterity.  Therefore, I don’t think this is a reasonable assumption for a weakness.


 History
As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim, Be careful of repeating the same word too many times.  Just a stylistic suggestion.
She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life the Eophyrhim. Her mother also told stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wanted in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told of the people how there were pick pockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Her mother told these stories, but all along the stories where points about the fault of living live in such ways. Even from this negative point of view Celebrian had an interest in humans and other races.
 When she was about nineteen, her parent, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills.
At the request of Celebrian, once again, substitute the name with pronouns, as it improves flow
. Celebriän picked two steel scimitars, she excelled at them.
 
Celebrian was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival. She was promptly exiled from the Eophyrhim territory and was forced to pierce her face. This is a restatement of the previous sentence  Before she left she was allowed to take her belongs with her.  She now wanders the land.

Celebrian has always felt that animals are for food and travel use, but she also thinks that just because we have a higher intelligence we should not abuse or mistreat them. That they have feelings and we should respect them not as people but as things with feeling. That they are not to be slaughtered  remove the word “That” .   Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but killing should be done with respect.
    Another time  as opposed to which other time?  as Celebrian as wandering about she came upon a merchant and a small group of guards. At the sight of an Eophyrhim the guards became unnerved slightly.
“What is your business with the merchant Cristoffels?” asked the captain of the guards.”
“I would like to see if he has any weapons for sale,” answered Celebrian promptly
“Then go into his tent, but take one of my guards with you,” [color=light blue] (he) [/color] Added the guard (remove “the guard”
         
With the guard keeping a close eye on Celebrian  (her)  she entered the tent. When in inside?  she saw a man sitting at a desk polishing a golden sapphire necklace.

“Ah an elf, come to buy my wears should be “wares”  no doubt,” He said, trying to hide his feelings what kinds of feelings?  that there was an Eophyrhim standing in front of him.
“You are right I have. Do you have any weapons for barter? I would imagine merchants usually sell their wares, not barter.
“Yes I have a dagger with a jeweled hilt, a short sword, and dual scimitars, both having sheaths,” replied merchant Cristoffels

“I have an interest in these scimitars,” Celebrian stated after browsing over the weapons. “I have a game of chance with me. I will make you deal, we will play the game.  If I win you give me the scimitars, belt, and sheath this should be plural
“If I win I get that silver charm and the chain,” interrupted the merchant.
“Fine then. Now how you play is I have here a cup and in it are six balls, three white each is one point, two red five points each, and the last one is black and is twenty-five points. We will each take a turn to with out looking take two balls from the cup. The one with the most points wins.” This description of the game rules, though clear, is awkwardly put.  Work on the style here a bit.
“Sounds good ill go first,” said the merchant eagerly the idea of the valuable charm imprinted in his mind.  And with that he reached in and drew out a red and a white. Why was the merchant so eager to participate?  It would seem that he would be familiar with probability (merchants are good with numbers, after all) and so would have chosen to go second, as his chances would be better.
“Ha beat that elf’!!!!  he would also realize he had drawn very badly.

Then don’t need “then”  Celebrian reached in and drew out a black and a red ball. With that, the merchant’s smile crumbled, as he realized he had lost two good scimitars to an elf, basically handing change this word.  You use “handed” in the next sentence.   them to her for free. Slowly he handed over the scimitars, the belt, and the sheaths.

Then he realized something. The balls he was still holding had bumps on them. The red had three bumps and the white had two. Swiftly he scooped up the black one. It had five bumps on it.
“You thieving dark elf,” hissed the merchant, the  “his” not “the”  words laced with poison
“Cruros!” shouted the merchant to the guard, “apprehend her!”

Then Celebrian, in what seemed one whole get rid of “whole”  graceful movement, drew one of the scimitars and hit the guard on the head with the hilt, knocking him out doesn’t seem like a very good guard…. Also remove “also”  at what seemed like the same time she pivoted and slashed at the merchant, not to hit him, but instead to send him reeling back head over heels as he tripped backward over the table he had first sat on this sentence is too long.  Then Celebrian she charged out of the tent as fast as her legs could go. A second later the merchant came out sputtering, “Get her, you fools, get her!” One of the guards then no “then”  threw a javelin at Celebrian. Celebrian then again, no “then” felt a burst of pain as blood flowed from her ear. The spear had gone through the top of her left ear and landed in front of her. She stumbled a little bit, surprised at blood flowing from her ear you say “ear” too many times in these few sentences , but she ran on with the guards not far behind. Then  “when” not “then”  she reached her horse, breathing hard with both the scimitars tucked under her arm, she mounted her horse don’t need “her horse”  and fled, much to the disappointment to the guards. They knew that the merchant would not be at all happy with this turn of events. Grumpily they turned back, knowing they could not out-run a horse.

Pets
Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Falhófnir is a Kor’och fey Mologh. His coat is bay and he has white socks. He is 15.3 hands tall.

Make sure that you incorporate the suggestions you've already received before asking for Mod approval.  I see you have a lot of things too implement.  Once you finish those, you should be fine.  Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help!
Once again, best of luck, and may your title be forthcoming!

Edit: stupid light blue color doesn't exist :-(


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 12, 2008, 03:15:24 PM
Ok, i did finished adding the stuff from the uri-check so ya. But i did not understand what you ment ,Eoranna when you said Ihave a lot of things too implement.And i try to incorporate all the suggestions I have already received. So for now comments welcome.If i missed eny thing Eornna let me know. So for now i should be done.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: lukecash on February 16, 2008, 02:32:43 PM
allo mate. I will overhaul this entire thing. Let's hope it doesn't take forever, but it's long enough to add precious value to each word...


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: lukecash on February 16, 2008, 02:53:51 PM
My comments will be IRISH!!!


Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age:27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue and scavenger, basically anything honest or not(is that part necessary? maybe you could put jack of all trades)
Title:  wanderer
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut
Height: 1.8 peds  
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; it is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back and in a braid. Her bangs are grown out, and are the same length as her hair and in braids. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people.  Celebrian has two facial piercings, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. She also has a tattoo of the moon on her shoulder. And one of a swirling circle on her cheek. The tattoos are black. The facial piercings are at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, they are metal. They have a smooth straight shaft. This is the part that goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are metal balls, two for each shaft. The piercings are side by side.


 

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pants, with a dark gray hooded cloak. A silver leaf-shaped clasp holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets made of hard leather with steel bands,
 and a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of poison. The ear cuff on her right ear is shaped like a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

Personality:
Celebriän is dark and roguish. When in a town or a village she is usually a bit reclusive and does not want to draw a lot of attention to herself.  Also when in a town she will keep her hood up, andpeople will sometimes avoid her due to her aura. She is not afraid to steal or rob for things. She also finds beauty in simple things ,such as a sun beam or a creek with moss covered rocks. Or things suchas songbirds and delicate flowers. If wandering in the middle of nowhereno space between no and where she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits. She will help a person in need if she wants but will usually need some sort of payment, usually some food or a bit of money. She prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood, unless traveling in the middle of the woods.SheTry to find a way to keep the cd from starting each sentence with the word she as it makes the reading less cohesive and fluent. is not usually very trustful with thepeople she just meets, and she does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable with her pet. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. She would help an animal in need and gets angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but the killing should be done with respect. She also holds grudges against peopleand is very rash. This mix can lead to problems. Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and watch the people, or think. She likes to watch people and how they act. She finds it interesting.please don't double space between sentences as this is not proper grammar.
   
 Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles,thay are each about 2 Fores, 1 Nailsbreadth,  Grains with out the handles.

Pets: Falhófnir helps in traveling,but is also a great companion.drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf she is usually avoided in bars, towns, and cities, ECT.Shouldn't the drow part be in the weakness section?
She is also stronger than a human woman of her same size, and has better vision at night

Wood land skills: Celebrian can live in the woods with no aid. She does not need to live near a town or spend the night in one, but she does prefer it.

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places.Is this really all that debilitating? It isn't so hard to stay away from cramped places. Maybe something more witty would be required here.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races. Celebriän does not have close relationships with many people.
 
Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash, she sometimes does not think things out all the way. Add this to holding grudges and it can get a bit hell-tick.

Dislikes authority: Celebarin has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land. She has spent the night in a prison more than once.

Rage:In a fight rage will some times take over. This can lead to brash or clumsy movements.


 History
As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim.  She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life ofthe Eophyrhim people. Her mother also told stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wanted in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told of the people how there were pick pockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Her mother told these stories, but all along the stories where points about the fault of living live in such ways. Even from this negative point of view she had an interest in humans and other races.
 When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills, at the request of their child.Why would they do such a thing when teaching one the use of weapons promotes adventurous thought and with the fact that this is merely the request of a child? Celebriän picked two steel scimitars, and she excelled at them.
 
Celebrian was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival. She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs with her. She now wanders the land.Why did she choose not to participate in this festival?

Celebrian has always felt that animals are for food and travel use, but she also thinks that just because we have a higher intelligence we should not abuse or mistreat them. That they have feelings and we should respect them not as people but as things with feeling.  They are not to be slaughtered. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but killing should be done with respect. This paragraph does not belong in the history section as it merely says a belief and doesn't speak of events that transpired in the past.
    Not soon after her exile , Celebrian was wandering about she came upon a merchant and a small group of guards. At the sight of an Eophyrhim the guards became unnerved slightly.
“What is your business with the merchant Cristoffels?” asked the captain of the guards.”
“I would like to see if he has any weapons for sale,”  answered Celebrian promptly
“Then go into his tent, but take one of my guards with you,”
With the guard keeping a close eye on her she entered the tent. When inside she saw a man sitting at a desk polishing a golden sapphire necklace.

“Ah an elf, come to buy my wares no doubt,” he said, trying to hide his surprise that there was an Eophyrhim standing in front of him.

“You are right I have. Do you have any weapons for sell? “Yes I have a dagger with a jeweled hilt, a short sword, and dual scimitars, both having sheaths,” replied merchant CristoffelsThis is after she left home, didn't her parents already have her get scimitars?

“I have an interest in these scimitars,” Celebrian stated after browsing over the weapons. “I have a game of chance with me. I will make you deal, we will play the game.  If I win you give me the scimitars, belt, and sheaths--
“If I win I get that silver charm and the chain,” interrupted the merchant.

“Fine then. Now how you play is I have here a cup and in it are six balls. Three are white and are each worth one point. Two are red and five points each. The  last one is black and is twenty-five points. We will each take a turns and without looking take two balls from the cup. After one person has drawn, the balls that where drawn will be but back in the cup. Then the next person will draw two.  The one with the most points wins.”  
“Sounds good I will go first,” said the merchant eager from the idea of the valuable charm imprinted in his mind.   And with that he reached in and drew out a red and a white.
“”Ha beat that elf!” Though obviously disappointed.

Celebrian reached in and drew out a black and a red ball. With that, the merchant’s smile crumbled, as he realized he had lost two good scimitars to an elf, basically handed them over for free. Slowly he handed over the scimitars, the belt, and the sheaths.

Then he realized something. The balls had bumps on them. The red balls  had three bumps and the white had two. Swiftly he scooped up the black one. It had five bumps on it.
“You thieving dark elf,” hissed the merchant, his words laced with poison.
“Cruros!” shouted the merchant to the guard, “apprehend her!”Before any one could move toward her. Celebrian burst into action in what seemed one graceful movement, drew one of the scimitars and hit the guard on the head with the hilt, knocking him out. At what seemed like the same time she pivoted and slashed at the merchant. Not to hit him, but instead to send him reeling back head over heels as he tripped backward over the table he had first sat on. Then Celebrian charged out of the tent as fast as her legs could go. A second later the merchant came out sputtering, “Get her, you fools, get her!” One of the guards threw a javelin at Celebrian. Celebrian felt a burst of pain as blood flowed from her ear. The spear had gone through the top of her left ear and landed in front of her. She stumbled a little bit, surprised at the blood on her neck, hair and shoulder. She ran on with the guards not far behind. When she reached her horse, breathing hard with both the scimitars tucked under her arm, she mounted Falhófnir and fled, much to the disappointment to the guards. They knew that the merchant would not be at all happy with this turn of events. Grumpily they turned back, knowing they could not out-run a horse.  
Pets
Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Falhófnir is a Kor’och fey Mologh. His coat is bay and he has white socks. He is 15.3 hands tall.If the horse was stolen, please insert a description of the event in which this happened as it is an important part of the history, for pets are definitely important to this character.




It needs much work, but has a fairly decent concept. Mostly, it's a good read, but needs better grammar and word choice.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / What ever it takes,honest or not
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 17, 2008, 04:41:10 AM
Ok,that should do it :grin: :grin:.Comments welcome!!!


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Azhira Styralias on February 19, 2008, 12:49:46 AM
Hi Celebrian,

A few suggestions:

1. For a roleplay setting, your character wouldn't exactly fit in very well because she is a drow and can't get along with other races. That would hinder you alot when trying to play in the story threads. You'd basically be wandering out in the forest with no one to interact with. Was this intentional?

2. I question the piercings as they seem very contemporary to me...as if it would be something you'd find on a gothic person walking down the street.  :huh:

3. If your race is so elusive, how did your mother know about so much of the life in the cities?

4. The CD is contradictory in some places - Celebrian is a woodsman, yet prefers to stay in an inn. As a drow, she is not accepted in bars and taverns, yet she likes to order ale in a bar and watch people?  :huh:

5. I'd say the character needs some depth. Celebrian is a wanderer who no one likes or wants to be around and she makes no effort to try to get along with others. I just don't see how much fun this character would be to play... :(


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Narrath on February 19, 2008, 05:30:48 AM
Hi hows it going my Eophyrhim friend :) i was hoping you can help me i was triying to get a pic on my cd ummmmmmm can you please tell me how you did it :)

its nice to have the same race on here hope your doing well :) good luck with your cd :) bye for know


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 19, 2008, 09:27:06 AM
Ok, comments for Azhira El'rosse in lime green .Comments for Jendak in red glow. For Azhira i have tryed to round it out a bit.Would it be ok to ask for a mods advice on the matters addresed in Azhiras post??


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades .. Mod look to Azhira's post on m
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on February 20, 2008, 06:31:42 AM
Please look here! (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php/topic,5170.0.html) Once you understand what is written in that thread, please feel free to PM me and I shall have a look over others comments. But I will suggest never using the ? icon in the future. That is for mod use only and this is clearly stated in the rules of this forum. Also, the title of this thread is to not contain more or less than Name/Tribe/Occupation.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on February 21, 2008, 08:56:40 PM
Hiya Celebrian! I have read over every page of comments you have been given. Many of those ideas have been integrated by you, yet there are many that have not been. I have a few ideas that would really help you clean things up and get back on track.

1) I know everyone wants their comments to be integrated with color, but the amount you have is excessive. Please go through and eliminate all coloring so we can get off to a fresh start hun.

2) There are structure issues found throughout the CD. Spacing, mis punctuation, wrong word choices, misspellings .... all of this should be addressed before returning the exclamation mark.

3) As mentioned by various commentors, the game of chance you mention with the merchant is almost silly in context. A pair of good swords with sheaths are far more valuable than a silver necklace and brooch. The idea that a knowledgeable merchant would *chance* such valuable items for so little to gain is highly unlikely. Though not impossible it could be that your character was playing a game of chance with the man and he lost far more in currency than he had intended. Hence offering the blades up instead of monetary exchanges.

Really the main concern for me is the entire structure of the CD. You have so many edits done that it is hard to follow what you are trying to express at times. As I mentioned above, please remove the color. Use single spacing between paragraphs and read over the CD for misused words. Also, the spell-check option for each post would assist you immensely and it should/must be used.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen
 


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Narrath on February 23, 2008, 10:51:19 AM
Im sorry i cant coment but if you need help im here for you:)

good luck


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on February 24, 2008, 04:59:45 PM
Ok Twén, i think im done! :rolling: -does a happy dance around the room-

i have one small consern, i have fixed the merchant story with a new story be it is short.Is this a problem?


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Jack of all trades
Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on February 24, 2008, 10:41:03 PM
Hello Celebrian, and I'm gonna be commenting in pink!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age: 27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim
Job: jack of all trades (Jack of all trades seem a bit... general. With merely this, you have the potential to know a bit about everything, even about complicated things like smithing or mining. I'd like a small list of some sort.)
Title: Lost Eophyrhim
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut
Height: 1.9 peds     
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks
Hair: brown

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; . It is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back in a braid. She likes to keep her bangs grown out and tries to keep them the same length as her hair. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have (has) golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people. Celebrian has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. In addition to the tattoo of the moon on her shoulder, she has one of a swirling circle on her cheek. Both of the tattoos are silver. (Uh, are silver tattoos even possible?)  The facial piercing is at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, (and) it is silver (in colour) . It has a smooth straight shaft. This part goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are balls, two for each shaft. (I'm sorry, but two shafts? I only hear one being mentioned. In addition, could you rephrase the description of the eyebrown pericing? I'm not sure about the rest, but I had a pretty hard time visualising it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clothes- Celebriän has a forest green tunic with dark brown pants. She also has a black hooded Ether-Flake cloak. The cloak is a beautiful, transparent fabric that shimmers in the light. A silver leaf-shaped clasp with golden vines en wrapping (entwining) the stem holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets and bracers made of hard leather with wide steel bands, a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds small vials of poisons. The ear cuff on her right ear is a dragon. (What's an ear cuff?)  She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Personality:
Celebriän is roguish. When in a town or a village she does not want to draw a lot of attention to herself. She is not afraid to steal or rob for things. (This makes no sense. You don't steal for things, you steal things, period. Maybe you might want to elaborate on why she steals.) On the other hand, she finds beauty in simple things such as a sunbeam, songbirds, flowers, or a creek with moss covered rocks (Fullstop) If wandering in the middle of nowhere she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body, she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits. Celebrian will help a person in need, but will usually need some sort of payment, usually some food or a bit of money. She prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood to hide her race from prying eyes. Celebrian is not usually very trustful with people she just meets. She feels very comfortable with her pet. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. She would help an animal in need and is angered by people and things (I would think it very stupid for her to be angry at inanamate objects, wouldn't you? ;)) that hurt animals when it is not necessary. Celebrian does in no way abject (object) to a (the) killing of an animal, but the killing should be done with respect. (What does that mean? IMHO, killing is never respectful, but merely a necessity. You might want to rephrase this.) She also holds grudges against people and is rash. This mix can lead to problems. (How? Any examples?) Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but does not mind staying at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and think. (Does she do this all the time? Does she never socialise? What does she normally think about? Does she think of deep theories like the meaning of life, or maybe what she's going to do the next day?)

(I'll like this to be split into paragraphs.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles; . T they, are each about two Fores, eight Nailsbreadths (Capitalisation is not needed here.),  with(no space)out the handles. (This sentence seems odd to me. Perhaps a simple rewording will help.)

Pet: Ilmdril not only helps in traveling, but is also a great companion. (How so? Does she help Celebrian fight?)   

Drow: She is stronger than a human woman of her size, and has better vision at night (Anything else? I'll like more elaboration on this.)

Woodland skills: Celebrian can live in the woods with no aid. She does not need to live near a town or spend the night in one. In addition she is generally alert and aware of her surroundings (This is a seperate strength.)
(Para)
Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places. She also feels claustrophobic in cities and larger towns. This is due to the over welling (Overwhelming amount of) noise and things going on at ones (once). It is also hard for her to be aware of her surroundings with all the action and movement at one time.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races. Nevertheless, she does try to. Not to the point of having royal airs. However, she attempts to be nice and somewhat friendly. (The last part should also be in the personality section.)
(Para)
Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash; she sometimes does not think things out all the way. Add this to holding grudges and it can get a bit hectic. (Split this up please. In addition, I'd like an example of how this hindered her.)

Dislikes authority:  Since Celebriän dislikes authority she has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land. She has spent the night in a prison more than once. (Does this particular trait come out often? If it doesn't, I don't think that it sould be considered a weakness. This should also be in the personality section.)

Drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf, and is sometimes avoided in bars, towns, and cities. She will try to keep her face in a shadow to hide her race from harsh eyes. (And how does this hinder her? IMHO, if people avoids her, she'd be glad because she doesn't want attention.)

Rage: In a fight, rage will some times take over. This can lead to brash or clumsy movements that will usually result in her getting a wound of some sort. Alternatively, if it is the local law a night or two in prison. (Ever heard of berserker's rage? Yeah, this seems like it. May I point out that when you're berserking, you pretty much ignore whatever pain you get, until you come down from the high. In addition, I can't really envision someone getting into a fight without getting hurt. I also object to your use of "alternatively". With that in the picture, it seems that she either gets a wound, or gets jail time. If I'm not wrong, so long as you fight in public, you go to jail or get a fine. I don't think she has a choice.)

(IMHO, you're overpowered. In addition, you'd need some serious theiving skills to steal a horse. If that's a strength, please add that in. I'd say either tone down on your strengths, or add more weaknessses.)
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History
  As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim. She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life of the Eophyrhim people. Her mother also told stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wanted in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told of the people how there were pickpockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Her mother told these stories, but all along the stories where points about the fault of living live in such ways. (Uh, wha? I'm sorry, but I don't get this. Is her mother talking about how good living like that is, or how bad?) Even from this negative point of view, she had an interest in humans and other races. Aria told Celebrian that she heard all this from her grandmother who had it passed down to her from her mother. How this information came to be known was lost. (So shouldn't it be outdated? Shouldn't she realise this? In addition, she could always ask the traders who go into town about how life in cities really are like.)
  When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. They did this after a cleric had a vision of Celebrian fighting something { that something was not seen in the vision}.The cleric also saw how gifted she was, as she danced around her opponent. Her scimitars (were)  a blur in her hands. The battle took place at the edge of the forestland.  The parents assumed it was against rival humans or elves. Aria and Azunur due to the vision choose her to be trained in the scimitars. (Due to the vision, Aria and Aznur chose for her to be trained in the use of scimitars.)

Celebrian was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival, (fullstop) She did participate due not wanting eat a human.  She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs (belongings) with her. She now wanders the land. (this should be at the end of your history.)

     The whiny of a horse pierced the cold fall night as a lone elf sneaked along the outside of a large estate. The thrill coming to her now, as well as the slight fear of being caught. Silent as a shadow she slipped open the gate surrounding the stable. She knew she was in the right place by the smell of horses. And not only one or two but ten. As she stalked in to the stable, she heard footsteps. Her mind reeling she dashed behind some saddles, wrapping her black cloak around her to help camouflage herself into the shadows. No sooner had she hidden than when a ground guard walked in.
"Stupid stable boy, Eh left the blood gate open." If one of the masters Kor’och fey Mologh horses had been stolen he would have my teeth for a necklace by morning.' remarked the guard and walked way. Celebrian waited long after the foot steps had gone before approaching the horses once more. Silently she examined the horses over trying to find one she liked. Finally, at the last stall she spotted a good-sized horse. She quickly looked for any thing wrong with the horse.
"You’re a pretty horse, nothing wrong with you." She then went to where she had hid from the guard and selected a saddle, a bridal, and a pair of saddlebags. Than (Then,) she when (went) and saddled up the horse she had chosen. Silently she opened the gate once more and walked out. As soon as she was away from the estate she mounted Ilmdril {as she called the horse} and rode away. (Okay. Let's review. You sucessfully sneak into an estate with 10 horses, and manage to sneak back out with a large horse in the tow, and not get detected. Firstly, a estate with 10 horses is most likely owned by a rich man. Ergo, better security. How could she sneak in, magically evading the guards and sneak back out with a fully saddled giant of a horse without any sound or detection?)

Celebrian sat across from two men. She had accepted a challenge from two drunken men. The challenge was who ever could drink the most ale and still be awake would win the “prize pile”. The prize pile consisted of a pair of scimitars with sheaths, two rubies, and Celebrian’s horse. The game was soon on. After a couple rounds Celebrian took out a small vial and poured its contents in the men’s glasses taking care for it not to be seen by the men. Soon both men where fast asleep with Celebrian picking up the scimitars and the rubies and then leaving. (Right. Two already drunk men challenge a completely sober elf in a drinking contest with seriously high stakes. On top of that, she slips a drug into their drinks without them noticing. Now. If I'm not wrong, a drinking contest would draw many spectators, and I would say that she drugging the two people is highly unlikely.)
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Pets
Ilmdril- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Ilmdril is a Kor’och fey Mologh. Her coat is bay and he has white socks. She is 15.7 hands tall. (I would like a bit for expansion in this section. It honestly is too short. At least give it a bit of personality, or quirks. In addition, please choose one gender and stick with it. Can't have a horse being a girl and a boy at the same time, can we? ;))

There we go. I'm sorry if I seem harsh or something like that. Those are the things I've seen, so go fixy fixy. :) Oh, and for the brackets, please use the normal brackets, not {}.

Good luck!
Seh'nara


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 05, 2008, 12:10:11 PM
ok,all done. :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: Comments welcome! :)



Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 08, 2008, 10:24:31 AM
bump  !!! comments welcome and needed !!=:pet: :pet: :pet:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Argon Glasstar on March 09, 2008, 02:46:24 PM
Ok Celebrian, lets take a look over this; your physical description looks good, as does you choice of clothing.
Yet at first reading I feel like your personality section is very fractured and kinda all over the place, I feel like she is a bit of a contradiction of her own people. You state she is roguish, but say she is also philosophical, and never elaborates on how she shows compassion, in part the article on the Dark elves it states they appear they are cold, aloof and calculating to most races and their emotions are not easily apparent.  Then you go on to state about how she takes time to observe nature and spend time in it. I think this would be better with the sentence, "On the other hand, she finds beauty in simple things such as a sunbeam, songbirds, flowers, or a creek with moss covered rocks." at the beginning of it, and you end the paragraph with about her compassion and helping a person in need. I think this needs to be explained why she does this more thoroughly in her history, because this is unlike her tribe, especially with their teachings.
I think with their teachings she would not have much concern for the lesser creatures, and would bring them swift death. I would like to see an explanation about how celebrian became more willing to  be  of an urbanite concidering her upbringing. I feel like based on her what you describing how her personality is, her history does not justify her actions nor her personality fully, based on her chosen tribe. I would like to know why she refused to participate in Arvin's Festival, and how old she was when she refused to participate, because if she was older than 25 then she would have already participated in the festival before. If she was 25 or younger she would not have had much training with her scimitars. I would like to see an explanation to how she acquired her rogue talents, how well developed they are and them being added to her strengths section.  I
 would like information on how she acquired this berserker rage in combat, was it ingrained, did she learn it, can she control it. This would be best placed in the history around one of her first combats. Perhaps how she acquired her faithful steed would be another helpful addition to her history. I would like to see information on what caused her to change from the rest of her tribe, where did she get these ideas, who presented her with this different way of thinking, when and how. I feel these are important questions that need to be answered to better understand the character.

I hope my comments and questions help round your CD out further.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 12, 2008, 12:55:44 PM
OK I'm not completely sure but i think i fixed it ....Comments welcome


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 12, 2008, 01:25:00 PM
I will be by after work tomorrow and have a look hun. With good omen, we *should* have you playing no later than the end of this week :) I promise ^^


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 12, 2008, 01:41:25 PM
" does a big happy dance all around the house, proclaiming the news to her familly"  :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 13, 2008, 09:03:15 AM
I went through and did a quick grammar/spell check for you. Nothing huge.

I also didn't see anything major to be pointed out, so unless someone else comes through with their 'nitpickstick'...you should be titled soon!

~First Approval~


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on March 13, 2008, 09:58:10 AM
Second Approval.

You've been persistant, pretty friendly, and open for critique, and it has been apreciated by the mods.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Luca the Thief on March 13, 2008, 09:59:42 AM
Heylo Celebrian! I'm sure you know the drill by now. Not everything I'm about to say is a must (unless I say otherwise), so I'll be throwing in some tips and tricks as I go as well.

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age: 27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue & scavenger
Title: Lost Eophyrhim
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut Generally speaking we don't always include ods and mut, but it's really a thing of personal preference.
Height: 1.9 peds     
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks
Hair: brown

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair. It is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back in a braid. She likes to keep her bangs grown out and tries to keep them the same length as her hair. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people. Celebrian has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. In addition to the tattoo of the moon on her shoulder, she has one of a swirling circle on her cheek. Both of the tattoos are black. The facial piercing is a metal shaft that goes through her eyebrow. It is silver in color. It has a smooth straight shaft.
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Clothes- Celebriän has a forest green tunic with dark brown pants. She also has a black hooded Ether-Flake cloak. The cloak is a beautiful, transparent fabric that shimmers in the light. A silver leaf-shaped clasp with golden vines entwining the stem holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets and bracers made of hard leather with wide steel bands, a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds small vials of poisons. The ear cuff on her right ear is a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.
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Personality:
While Celebriän has a more out going personally than the rest of her tribe she still was taught by them. While she tends to open her mouth more ,she opens it about opinions. She keeps her true feeling to herself. She does not open up to reveal her true self to others and some times puts on a “mask” that hides her true feelings. This can be done in many ways by different people; maybe go into deeper detail as to how she puts on this mask? Does she become very quiet or cold or maybe really aggressive?

Celebriän finds beauty in simple things such as a sunbeams, songbirds, flowers, or a creek with moss covered rocks. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. Unless the animal is in pain and nothing can be done for it, in that case she will try to bring it to a swift death.  She would help an animal in need and is angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary.

 If wandering in the middle of nowhere she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body, she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits.

She also holds grudges against people and is rash. This mix can lead to problems. Like to the time a man who she had a grudge against challenged to a dual. She accepted. Both of them where caught by the local guards, both where stuck in prison for three nights.

 Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but does not mind staying at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and think. Some of the time she will think what she will do the next day. Sometimes she will think back to life in the Paelelon forest.

While people will try to avoid Celebrian because she is a drow, she on the other hand tries to be nice. She knows that she is not liked, and living in the middle of a continent that frowns upon her is hard.
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Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles. They are each about two fores, eight nailsbreadths, in length.

Pet: Ilmdril not only helps in traveling, but is also a great companion. Celebrian will sometimes to talk to Ilmdril. Celebrian does not usually include Ilmdril in fights, she prefers the ground under her feet.

Drow: She is stronger than a human woman of her size, and has better vision at night. She is more agile and quicker. This helps in fighting. Men will usually underestimate her strength.

Awareness: she is generally alert and aware of her surroundings

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places. She also feels claustrophobic in cities and larger towns. This is due to the over welling noise and things going on at ones. It is also hard for her to be aware of her surroundings with all the action and movement at one time.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races. Nevertheless, she does try to. Not to the point of having royal airs. However, she attempts to be nice and somewhat friendly Right now, this isn't a very convincing weakness. Maybe add how people react to her? Are they surprised when she is nice to them? Or perhaps suspicious or even resentful?. Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash; she sometimes does not think things out all the way.

Dislikes authority:  Since Celebriän dislikes authority she has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land. She has spent the night in a prison more than once .This will pop up if some authoritative figure is trying to tell her what to do. Or if she is in trouble with the law or town guards she will usually make a fuss.

Drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf, and is sometimes avoided in bars, towns, and cities. She will try to keep her face in a shadow to hide her race from harsh eyes. This makes it hard to get information sometimes.
 
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History
  As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim. She was always more outspoken and voiced her thoughts. She was taught from a young age not to do so. But that would not stop Celebriän; instead she went out and talked to animals and trees. She could not understand how the rest of her people could just not voice what they where feeling. She found delight in expressing her self. Always trying to change something ever so slightly to reflect her self. The elders scolded her for such behavior, so she learned to hold her tongue until she got away from the rest of the people She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life of the Eophyrhim people.
 
When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. They did this after a cleric had a vision of Celebrian fighting something { that something was not seen in the vision}.The cleric also saw how gifted she was, as she danced around her opponent. Her scimitars a blur in her hands. The battle took place at the edge of the forestland.  The parents assumed it was against rival humans or elves. Due to the vision Aria and Azunur choose her to be trained in the scimitars.

While Celebriän lived with the drow she lived like a drow. Mostly saying what was needed to avoid conflicts. She tried to think like them, masking her feelings.

Celebriän was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival, She did not participate due not wanting eat a human. She had participated in the last festival 25 years ago but had sneaked out of eating any human. She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs with her. She was about 50 years old.


     --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pets
Ilmdril- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she bought from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Ilmdril is a Kor’och fey Mologh. Her coat is bay. Her mane and tail are blackish brownish. She is 15.7 hands tall.
          Ilmdril is usually good tempered. She is not scared of flapping sheets and sudden movements, but if caught unaware she might spook. Ilmdril is also scared of whips. Celebriän thinks this is due to a former master. The horse likes Celebriän and the two are good friends. Ilmdril looks forward to visiting towns, she knows a treat will be in store for her.
            Contradicting her usually calm behavior, Ilmdril gets upset when Celebrian is in a fight. Celebrian does not know if this is due to the noise, or the fact that Celebriän is in danger.

Luca's Final Thought Nicely done! I see you've gotten lots of comments already so I'm glad to say that I'm giving you my approval as well! There are a few spelling/grammar errors here and there and I pointed out a few. A few tips for maybe cleaning up this CD a bit and for your writing later on: Don't be afraid to write longer sentences, combining different thoughts together. Right now your writing can read a little choppy and slightly hard to follow. Also, I wouldn't be opposed to seeing more detail in your history. Did that prophecy ever come true? Did she experience any culture shock when she first left the forest?

Regardless, I see no major problems so I give my second third approval. (EDIT: Pike beat me to it, that dog...)


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 13, 2008, 10:05:31 AM
Shouldn't be difficult to fix the couple of things up, as they aren't too big. You are titled, but I will leave the CD here just so final adjustments can be made.

Congrats hun ^.^


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 13, 2008, 10:08:27 AM
ill work on it tonight !!


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 13, 2008, 12:14:11 PM
Do i have too add more detial to my history ? Becuse im pleased with it at the moment.


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 13, 2008, 12:22:11 PM
nope


Title: Re: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on March 13, 2008, 12:52:16 PM
Ok, all done I added to the personallity and a tibbit to the history.So unless the mods have more to say Im done !