Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters 2008 => Topic started by: Morden Peshirgolz on October 29, 2008, 11:08:24 AM



Title: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on October 29, 2008, 11:08:24 AM
Name:  Morden Peshirgolz
Gender: Male
Age: 177
Race: Dwarf
Tribe: Susilgerim Clan
Occupation: Exiled Musician
Title: The Mystic Voice

Appearance: Standing 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths high, Morden is unusually tall, even for a Susilgerim. He possesses a sturdy frame of 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, and 1 od. He has a stern chin, and a flint-like gaze comes from his grey eyes. He is missing his right hand, and wears a dark cloak to conceal this injury. Beneath his spotched earth-colored mantle, he wears thick furs. A masked helm covered in foreboding runes covers his head, and thick brown boots tread the ground beneath him. An intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck.

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, and 1 od

Eye color: Grey

Hair color: Black

Personality: Morden is a distrustful and whimsical dwarf, given to sarcasm and occasional rages. He is selective of his company, due to his somewhat arrogant and overbearing nature. Few have ever become close to him, but those few who have came to see him as also loyal, compassionate, and restless. He is plagued by horrible guilt, stemming from a difficult past. He has begun to doubt that Trum-Baroll still cares for him. His spiritual crisis depresses him greatly. He is remarkably stealthy, and is skilled with the Fang-Axe, which he has learned to wield one handed. His rages often throw the tide of battle in his favor, but they can also alienate his allies from him. He cannot climb due to his missing hand. He has sworn vengeance upon all orcs, and has exiled himself from his clan. Morden seeks out his fellow dwarves since he is does not trust other races whatsoever. He feels very suspicious of elves, because of their somewhat magical nature. He has not heard of many of the other races.

Strengths

*Morden is prone to great rages, which often turn battles in his favor. He is able to summon up bursts of great strength to slay his opponents. However, this happens inconsistently, and only in times of dire need or when Morden is greatly angered by injustice.

*Morden is a master of music, especially that of the baroomith. His music has a soothing and charming effect. Many who hear him play are touched by his sorrowful tones.

*Morden possesses the typical Susilgerim trait of stealthiness. This skill is most useful to him outdoors, where he can was trained by his clan. In cities, he still acts with caution but does not know the tips and tricks to remain completely unseen.

*Morden is very alert, and difficult to surprise. He can hear practically everything that he concentrates on, and seems to have developed a "sixth sense" for sensing danger. This comes from the large amount of time spent living in the wilderness.

*Morden owns a stone axe. He is more than strong enough to handle it, even with one hand. However, since the Susilgerim fighting style does not make much use of heavy weapons, he uses it mainly as a defensive weapon, keeping the enemy at bay with its large size.

*He also own a dagger, which he is skilled in using to back-stab foes. Morden is not skilled in using the dagger in open conflict. His talent with it is in finding the weak spots of his opponents, severely wounding them before they have a chance to fight back. He uses it when he can sneak up on an enemy, particularly outdoors where his Susilgerim stealth works best.

*Morden also carries with him a sack of rocks tied to a rope with a loop on the end of it. Sliding this loop over his stump, Morden can flick the stump of his wrist to throw the rocks at an enemy. This is accomplished by spinning the sack in a circle over his head. As the sack spins faster, it rises up his arm. With good timing, an extra burst of speed will send the sack sailing through the air at an opponent.

Weaknesses

*Morden is missing his right hand, and suffered some loss of movement due to other injuries. He has a pronounced limp in his right knee, and he suffers from backaches. In an open fight, Morden must rely on brute strength to succeed because his opponents can usually outmaneuver him easily. Morden must carefully avoid an open conflict, because his injuries have weakened his abilities in battle.

*Morden's tendency towards anger and sarcasm often alienates those around him. He keeps to himself very much, so he does not receive much help from others. Dwarves are the only race he treats kindly, though he still is loath to accept help even from them. Morden has been known to lash out at people unprovoked, and will become irate when asked any question he deems too personal.

*The rages Morden uses to his advantage on the battlefield cause him to incur greater injuries than he would otherwise. While he slays his foes with brute force he leaves himself more exposed to counterattacks.

*Morden has voluntarily exiled himself from the Susilgerim clan, and is too proud to normally receive help from other Dwarves. He is angered by his failure to save his family, and feels he must do everything himself now to make up for it.

*He also has sworn to kill Rhom-Ocs, and is hated by them. Whenever he meets a Rhom-Oc, his first though is to kill him. Many of the Rhom-Oc have heard of him, and react to him in the same way. The Rhom-Oc know him by the many stories they nave been told of a terrifying one-handed dwarf.

*Morden occasionally experiences headaches and disorientation, because of the torture he suffered at the hands of the Rhom-Oc. This occurs at least once or twice a day, during which time Morden must rest, as it is very difficult for him to think clearly then. Under harsh conditions, or on long journeys, the effects of his ailments increase. Because he is extremely irritable during these times, Morden has isolated himself from others.

History: Morden Peshirgolz was born on Tohunden in the month of Kasthomin. A terrible storm caused a landslide to bury the village storehouses on the day of his birth, which was taken to be a terrible omen. Therefore he was called Morden.To counteract the effect of this portent, the Denirim had a stone amulet fashioned for the babe, which the Denirim blessed and gave to the child. His father was a musician, one of a line of musicians, and taught Morden to play the baroomith. Morden had a great talent for music, and was skilled in playing the wind instruments of the Dwarves. Because of his strength and fighting ability, he was allowed to join hunting parties, particularly ones that came near to Rhom-Oc territory. Also, despite the fact that hunting is the considered work for women among the dwarves, Morden loved the opportunities it gave him to gain inspiration for his music from the outdoors. He joined the older huntsman on their forays whenever he could, so that he became a skilled woodsman, and eventually became one of the most respected hunters in the tribe.
     
      At his Baregozar, Morden was told to climb into the Ilmith mountains to commune with the Dwarven Gods. He was required to six months in the wild thus, and was only allowed to take his spear and his baroomith, a family heirloom.This was because Morden's skill as a huntsman was great and required a strong test to challenge. Also, Morden had already expressed his admiration of the village chieftain's daughter, and thus his manhood was tested greatly. While living in the high mountains, Morden was inspired to compose music. He played his baroomith at all times of day, reflecting on how to make music to emulate the glory of the earth and to bring praise to Trum-Baroll. When he returned, he began work on a great composition about his long journey in the wilderness, which became his Wirrurt. He was highly respected in the village for the beauty of his music.Having achieved such high standing in the eyes of his fellow dwarves, Morden won the heart of the chieftain's daughter, and they were wed some time after. Morden and his wife had twin boys.

      Morden was a powerful hunter, a skilled woodsman, and a fierce defender for his tribe. He would rally groups of young Susilgerim warriors to raid the Rhom-Oc from time to time. For his heroic efforts, the clan chieftain ordered a great stone axe to be made for him. It was made in the style of the Fang-Axe, and prayers to Trum-Baroll for good fortune were carved into it with runes. Morden became very skilled with this weapon by practicing with it in the Rhom-Oc. He was also given a rune covered iron helm, which was one of the chieftan's prized possessions.Because of Morden's success in battle, the Rhom-Oc began to search for his village, wishing to destroy this pest. They were so aggravated by him that they tried to force surrounding peoples to help them find the village, a practice that was against their usual customs.

      When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, Morden and several of his companions were captured by the Rhom-Oc. They were tortured by the Rhom-Oc in an effort to get them to reveal the location of their village. The Rhom-Oc shaman gave Morden and his men many powerful drugs to destroy their mental restistance to their torture. Morden and his men held out for several days, until one of them was given so many drugs that he went insane. In his ensuing delirium, he revealed the location of the village. The Rhom-Oc prepared to kill Morden and his men, since they were no longer needed, and strike against their village. A stroke of luck saved Morden from death here, as a company of dwarves came to his rescue just at this time. The rescuers were able to free the captives, but only manage to drive off the Rhom-Oc. Morden, knowing of the treachery, urged them to return to the village with all haste. But the legs of a dwarf cannot match those of a warg.

      Rushing back to the village, Morden arrived only to see his family dead, and his home burned. Morden flew into a blind rage, attacking the Rhom-Oc with such ferocity that they were for a time driven back. But they far outnumbered the remaining dwarves, and Morden was grievously wounded as the remnant of his village was forced to flee. In the midst of the battle, an Orc dagger pierced Morden's right hand throught the wrist. Morden later saved this dagger, to use as weapon of revenge on the Rhom-Oc.

     The other dwarves defending the village had to drag Morden, still fighting with the very last of his ebbing strength, off the battlefield. When Morden awoke, he was in a neighboring village recovering. The battle had left its mark on him. Several dark scars slashed across his face, and his right hand was gone. When Morden was strong enough to stand, a meeting of the clan chieftan and his council was called to decide the fate of Morden, for none of his companions had survived. Morden was hailed as a hero for his part in defending the village and saving the few survivors of the attack. However, due to the physical and mental damage Morden received, he decided to live alone the rest of his life.

      Thus it was that Morden again climbed into the mountains to live in solitude. Often at night, when the pain of his wounds was great, he would follow the Rhom-Oc on their raids, tracking them on foot. When they reached their target, he would catch up to them. Morden gained a small consolation from killing any Rhom-Oc who became separated from their raiding party.It is said by those who travel the Imlith mountains that now the wind carries with it a high, fleeting voice of sorrow, as of a far-off flute. Travelers have said that it comes at various times of day, but is always a song of deep regret and sorrow. Few who  hear it are not haunted by its despair long after.

      Several years ago, a storm destroyed Morden's home in the Imlith Mountains. Surrounded by huge drifts of snow, Morden elected to travel south rather than rejoin his tribe. After several months journey, he reached the trade city of Tyr Donian and built a new home for himself there.

Weapons: One Stone-Axe, given to him by his village chieftan. The axe is 1 ped in length and 1/2 a ped in width. It is double bladed and a spike protudes from its top. The axe has a dwarven rune carved into each blade, the initials of his name. He also carries an assassin's dagger to aid him in stealthy raids. It is a plain dagger,with a 2 palmspan blade and a 1.25 palmspan handle.Several sacks of rocks hang from his belt; these can be thrown in combat. These are small, a palmspan by a palmspan, and hold about five or six heavy rocks. Their are each tied shut with a string about 3 palmspans in length that ends in a loop just big enough to fit Morden's stump.

Belongings: In addition to his helm, Morden carries with him a small steel buckler, which he clasps to his right arm when in battle. As mentioned, he carries his silver baroomith with him. He has a good provision of food, and an intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck. He also carries a copy of the Rocktales with him.


Title: Re: Morden Pedischirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Rogue Slayer
Post by: Roslynn Chadwick on October 29, 2008, 12:19:26 PM
Hi! Welcome to Santharia.

You're missing a few key sections to your CD. Take a look at  Character Creation  (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?page=12) and see which you are missing and need to be added. Until you're completely finished with the CD you'll need to change the message icon to "Work in Progress".

Good luck with your character!


Title: Re: Morden Pedischirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Rogue Slayer
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on October 29, 2008, 08:55:02 PM
Ah, you're one of the Rhom Oc hating dwarves. Greetings Morden, and welcome to the Dream.
EDIT: I noticed the pencil message icon, but I thought I would mention some things that will pervent any major edits later.

Name:  Morden Pedischirgolz
Gender: Male
 Age: 78(He is too young to be a wanderer. At this age, he is not yet initiated into an adult, and is considered but a teenager. 90 years is the minimum age of choosing for dwarves, the ceremony wherein they were to be declared as adult dwarves that will help the whole community.)
Race: Dwarf
Tribe: Susilgrem(Susilgerim) Clan
Occupation: Wandering outlaw
Title: The Rogue Slayer

Appearance: Standing 1.8 peds high(1.8 peds? Do you realize that that is equivalent to almost 6'6?), Morden is unusually tall, even for a Susilgrem(Susilgerim). He possesses a slender frame of 1.5 pygges(He's a bit skinny.). He has a stern chin, and a flint-like gaze comes from his grey eyes. He is missing his right hand, and wears a dark cloak to conceal this injury. Beneath his jet black mantle, he wears thick furs over light chain mail. A masked helm covered in foreboding runes covers his head, and thick brown boots made by his own hand tread the ground beneath him. A silver amulet hangs from his neck.(This set of clothing is uncommon among the Susilgerim dwarves, but if you want them, then it's fine by me.)

Height:
Weight:
Hair Color:
Eye Color:

Personality: Morden is a distrustful and whimsical dwarf, given to sarcasm and occasional rages. He is selective of his company, due to his somewhat arrogant and overbearing nature. Few have ever become close to him, but those few who have came to see him as also loyal, compassionate, and restless. He is plagued by horrible guilt, stemming from a difficult past. He is not very religious, but sees the gods as his foes rather than his friends(This may apply to the other gods, but Trum-Baroll is a god most revered by dwarves. Is his view of their creator the same as with all the gods?). He is remarkably stealthy, and is skilled with the Fang-Axe, which he has learned to wield one handed. His rages often throw the tide of battle in his favor, but they can also alienate his allies from him. He cannot ride a horse or climb, due to his missing hand. He has sworn vengeance upon all orcs, and is wanted dead by his clan.(Dwarves have closely knit family ties, and would rather have some of their kin ostracized rather than slain.)

I was going to comment on your history section, but I noticed that most of the contents does not reflect a Susilgerim society.
1. Dwarves won't kill one of their own kin, neither will a dwarf commit a crime against his community.
2. I don't think that eclipses will form a major part of a Thergerim's belief. This is because their main deity, Trum-Baroll, is an earth god.
3. The main sage of their village is called a Denirim, which is also similar to a priest.
4. Susilgerim villages are well hidden. How did the Rhom Ocs find them?
5. You forgot to mention his Baregozar and his Wirrutharoon.

Here are some useful links for you.
Dwarf Overview (http://www.santharia.com/races/dwarves.htm)
important Dwarven Ceremonies (http://www.santharia.com/races/dwarven_marriage.htm)
The Susilgerim Dwarves (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/dwarves/susilgerim.htm)

I'll give you another check after you have edited your CD. Feel free to ask any CD mods regarding your CD.
Have a nice day.


Title: Re: Morden Pedischirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Rogue Slayer
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on October 30, 2008, 12:51:21 AM
Ah, you're one of the Rhom Oc hating dwarves.


Are there a lot of characters that hate the Rhom Oc?

Also, can you tell me what's a good balance between character uniqueness and keeping within racial/tribal characteristics?

Thanks for your well-informed comments.


Title: Ready for more comments!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 02, 2008, 09:07:12 AM
Alright, I've made a good bunch of changes to my CD. Hope you guys think I'm making good progress.


Title: Re: Morden Pedischirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 02, 2008, 01:49:13 PM
Quote
Are there a lot of characters that hate the Rhom Oc?

No, but the Susilgerim got their name from their Rhom Oc ambush victims. :grin:
I'll comment on your CD later.


Title: Re: Morden Pedischirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 02, 2008, 09:46:28 PM
Also, do you know where I can get a good portrait? I haven't been able to use the sites suggested here. Thanks


Title: Ready for comments!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 03, 2008, 05:12:18 AM
Just thought I'd push my CD back to the top of the list.


Title: Re: Morden Pedischirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 03, 2008, 08:27:09 PM
Hello again Morden. I'm sorry I haven't gave you some comments as promised. Let's get you approved, shall we? Go go go, my red colored quill!

Name:  Morden Pedischirgolz
Gender: Male
 Age: 177
Race: Dwarf
Tribe: Susilgerim Clan
Occupation: Exiled Musician
Title: The Mystic Voice

Appearance: Standing 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 8 nailsbreadths, and 4 grains  high, Morden is unusually tall, even for a Susilgerim. He possesses a sturdy frame of 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, 1 od, and 9 muts. He has a stern chin, and a flint-like gaze comes from his grey eyes. He is missing his right hand, and wears a dark cloak to conceal this injury. Beneath his spotched earth-colored mantle, he wears thick furs. A masked helm covered in foreboding runes covers his head, and thick brown boots tread the ground beneath him. An intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck.
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 8 nailsbreadths, and 4 grains

Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, 1 od, and 9 muts

Eye color: Grey

Hair color: Black

Personality: Morden is a distrustful and whimsical dwarf, given to sarcasm and occasional rages. He is selective of his company, due to his somewhat arrogant and overbearing nature. Few have ever become close to him, but those few who have came to see him as also loyal, compassionate, and restless. He is plagued by horrible guilt, stemming from a difficult past. He has begun to doubt that Trum-Baroll and the Dwarven gods still care for him. His spiritual crisis depresses him greatly. He is remarkably stealthy, and is skilled with the Fang-Axe, which he has learned to wield one handed. His rages often throw the tide of battle in his favor, but they can also alienate his allies from him. He cannot ride a horse or climb, due to his missing hand. He has sworn vengeance upon all orcs, and has been exiled by his clan. Morden is extremely cruel and morbid towards humans.

Strengths

*Morden is prone to great rages, which often turn battles in his favor. He is able to summon up bursts of great strength to slay his opponents.

*Morden is a master of music, especially that of the baroomith. His music has a soothing and charming effect. All who hear him play are touched by his sorrowful tones.

*Morden is incredibly stealthy, even for a Susilgerim. Unless magic is used against, there are few situations in which he cannot hide himself.

*Morden is vey alert, and difficult to surprise. He can hear practically everything going on around him, and seems to have developed a "sixth sense" for sensing danger. This comes from the large amount of time spent living in the wilderness.

*Morden owns a stone axe and is highly skilled with it. He also own a dagger, which he is skilled in using to back-stab foes.

Weaknesses

*Morden is missing his right hand, and suffered some loss of movement due to other injuries. He cannot ride a horse because of this. In an open fight, Morden must rely on strength and guile to succeed because his opponents can usually outmanuever(outmaneuver) him easily.

*Morden's tendency towards anger and sarcasm often alienates those around him. He keeps to himself very much, so he does not receive much help from others.

*The rages Morden uses to his advantage on the battlefield cause him to incur greater injuries than he would otherwise. While he slays his foes with brute force he leaves himself more exposed to counerattacks(counterattacks).

*Morden has been exiled from the Susilgerim clan, and therefore does not receive as much help from other Dwarves as he would have previously. He also has sworn to kill Rhom-Ocs, and is hated by them. He also will not trust to the word of any human, and even rarely speaks more than a few sentences to them.


History: Morden Pedischirgolz was born on Tohunden in the month of Kasthomin. A terrible storm caused a landside to bury the village storehouses on the day of his birth, which was taken to be a terrible omen. Therefore he was called Morden.To counteract the effect of this portent, the Denirim had a stone amulet fashioned for the babe, which the Denirim blessed and gave to the child. His father was a musician, one of a line of musicians. Morden had a great talent for music, and was skilled in playing the wind instruments of the Dwarves. He was a skilled woodsman, and eventually became the most respected hunter in the tribe. It was said that Morden could never be found, only he found others, because of his great stealth.
As(At) his Baregozar, Morden was told to climb into the Ilmith mountains to commune with the Dwarven Gods. He was required to six months in the wild thus, and was inly(Only) allowed to take his spear and his baroomith, a family heirloom. While living in the high mountains, Morden was inspired to compose music. He played his baroomith at all times of day, reflecting on how to make music to emulate the glory of the earth and to bring praise to Trum-Baroll. When he returned, he began work on a great composition, which became his Wirrurt. He was highly respected in the village for the beauty of his music.
Having achieved such high standing in the eyes of his fellow dwarves, Morden won the heart of the chieftan's daughter, and they were wed some time after. Morden and his wife had twin boys.
When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, he saved a caravan of Kapana(Kanapan) traders from death at the hands of the Rhom-Oc. Several of the memebers(members) of the caravan were heavily wounded, so Morden brought them to his village to be cared for. This rash act greatly grieved the elder council, but they allowed the humans to be healed and sent on their way. However, while the wounded were still be treated, a member of the caravan revealed the location of the village to the Rhom-Oc, for a price.(These Rhom Ocs appear to be very civilized. These creatures avoid contact with other races unless they're out on a raid.)
That day Morden was on the hunt when the cries of his village went up. Rushing back to the village, he arrived only to see his family dead, and his home burned. Morden flew into a blind rage, attacking the Rhom-Oc with such ferocity that they were for a time driven back. But they far outnumbered the remaining dwarves, and Morden was grievously wounded as the remnant of his village was forced to flee.
When they had fled into the mountains, the Denirim (who had barely survived the attack) told Morden of the treachery. Morden howled with grief and anguish, before collapsing. When he awoke, he was in a neighboring village recovering. The battle had left its mark on him. Several dark scars slashed across his face, and his right hand was gone. When Morden was strong enough to stand, a meeting of the surrounding Denirim(Surrounding Denirim? Each clan only has one denirim, and the priests of other dwarven clans don't involve themselves with other community's issues.) was called. It was decided that for his rash actions, Morden would be exiled from the clan for life.
Thus it was that Morden again climbed into the mountains to live in solitude. Often at night, when the pain of his wounds were great, he would journey into the lands and raid their villages in the night(By himself? A Rhom Oc settlement consists of several families and many packs of wargs. You could easily be detected by their great dogs. Also, if the orcs don't kill you, the wargs will.). He soon became a feared but mysterious figure to the Rhom-Oc. Morden vowed to never again trusted the word of a human.
It is said by those who travel the Imlith mountains that now the wind carries with it a high, fleeting voice of sorrow, as of a far-off flute. Travelers have said that it comes at various times of day, but is always a song of deep regret and sorrow. All who hear are haunted by its despair long after.

Weapons: One Stone-Axe, given to him by his village chieftan. He also carries an assassin's dagger to aid him in stealthy raids.
Belongings: In addition to his helm, Morden carries with him a small steel buckler, which he clasps to his right arm when in battle. As mentioned, he carries his silver baroomith with him. He has a good provision of food, and an intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck.(Every dwarf is required to have a copy of The Rocktales, a sort of Bible to the dwarves. They are copied by hand under the watchful eyes of the Denirim.)

It seems that you have read the links I provided you. Good job. So that's why I haven't found any major errors in your history. Fix your CD, and you'll be nearing an approval. :)
If you have any questions, the CD mod team is here to answer them.
Have a nice day.


Title: Made some more changes
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 03, 2008, 11:48:52 PM
OK, I made changes for all the things you pointed out, Zann. I also changed the name a little, because I was told such a long last name would probably be slurred or elided.

Well, I hope this version meets with your approval. This character is evolving nicely!


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 04, 2008, 12:09:05 AM
I don't think you are required to change your last name just because it is long. We have no rules regarding that.

A few comments:
I don't think a dwarf would bring humans to a home community, no matter the reason. They don't trust other races easily and they only meet with them in the battlefield or when they are trading.

When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, he saved a caravan of Kanapan traders from death at the hands of the Rhom-Oc. Several of the memebers(members) of the caravan were heavily wounded, so Morden brought them to his village to be cared for. This rash act greatly grieved the elder council, but they allowed the humans to be healed and sent on their way. However, while the wounded were still be treated, a member of the caravan revealed the location of the village to the Rhom-Oc, for a price.(This is the part that I was pointing out. Rhom ocs are savage brutes with an unusual fondness for their wargs and their raids. I would think that they would sooner impale the person's head on a pike than to bribe them. May I suggest the following alternative: Since the Rhom Ocs are a vicious tribe, how about using fear and torture to make them reveal the location of the community?)

Quote
a meeting of the clan travel-chieftans was called to decide his fate.
Hmm... How about the clan chieftain and his council? They are the ones who decide on matters such as this, if ever a situation like this happens...


Title: Changes again!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 04, 2008, 01:31:14 AM
Alright, thanks for the tip on the Rhom-Oc. Sorry I didn't change it properly the first time. Anyway, about the name, I was using the same name on the Development Forum, and Bard Judith suggested I shorten the last name. I liked how it sounded shorter, so I changed just out of personal preference.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Ganinon on November 04, 2008, 12:24:59 PM
A bit later than I thought but i still got around to it. Comments in...lets say Teal.
Name:  Morden Peshirgolz
Gender: Male
 Age: 177
Race: Dwarf
Tribe: Susilgerim Clan
Occupation: Exiled Musician
Title: The Mystic Voice

Appearance: Standing 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 8 nailsbreadths, and 4 grains  high,Grains are not really needed for the highth, just because it is so exact, i would leave it to nailsbreadths. Morden is unusually tall, even for a Susilgerim. He possesses a sturdy frame of 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, 1 od, and 9 muts. He has a stern chin, and a flint-like gaze comes from his grey eyes. He is missing his right hand, and wears a dark cloak to conceal this injury. Beneath his spotched earth-colored mantle, he wears thick furs. A masked helm covered in foreboding runes covers his head, and thick brown boots tread the ground beneath him. An intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck.
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 8 nailsbreadths, and 4 grainsIf didn't see about, Would leave to nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, 1 od, and 9 muts As with height muts may be going a bit to exact would leave at ods. A reminder since i didn't put this up above change there too.

Eye color: Grey

Hair color: Black

Personality: Morden is a distrustful and whimsical dwarf, given to sarcasm and occasional rages. He is selective of his company, due to his somewhat arrogant and overbearing nature. Few have ever become close to him, but those few who have came to see him as also loyal, compassionate, and restless. He is plagued by horrible guilt, stemming from a difficult past. He has begun to doubt that Trum-Baroll and the Dwarven gods still care for him. His spiritual crisis depresses him greatly. He is remarkably stealthy, and is skilled with the Fang-Axe, which he has learned to wield one handed. His rages often throw the tide of battle in his favor, but they can also alienate his allies from him. He cannot ride a horse or climb, due to his missing hand. He has sworn vengeance upon all orcs, and has been exiled by his clan. Morden is extremely cruel and morbid towards humans.

More could be added here, though you have a fairly good paragraph there...Some main ones to explain maybe, is how he feels toward other dwarves and the other races. you have humans but there are other races you may run into.

Strengths

*Morden is prone to great rages, which often turn battles in his favor. He is able to summon up bursts of great strength to slay his opponents.

*Morden is a master of music, especially that of the baroomith. His music has a soothing and charming effect. All who hear him play are touched by his sorrowful tones.Saying everyone does this is a bit to controlling. There are other PC around here that are suppose to be dark and evil... :lol: Maybe change All to many.

*Morden is incredibly stealthy, even for a Susilgerim. Unless magic is used against, there are few situations in which he cannot hide himself.

*Morden is vey alert, and difficult to surprise. He can hear practically everything going on around him, and seems to have developed a "sixth sense" for sensing danger. This comes from the large amount of time spent living in the wilderness.

*Morden owns a stone axe and is highly skilled with it. He also own a dagger, which he is skilled in using to back-stab foes.Maybe explain how he back-stabs them? I am interested in knowing how a one handed man could do this.

Weaknesses

*Morden is missing his right hand, and suffered some loss of movement due to other injuries. He cannot ride a horse because of this. In an open fight, Morden must rely on strength and guile to succeed because his opponents can usually outmaneuver him easily.

*Morden's tendency towards anger and sarcasm often alienates those around him. He keeps to himself very much, so he does not receive much help from others.

*The rages Morden uses to his advantage on the battlefield cause him to incur greater injuries than he would otherwise. While he slays his foes with brute force he leaves himself more exposed to counterattacks.

*Morden has been exiled from the Susilgerim clan, and therefore does not receive as much help from other Dwarves as he would have previously. He also has sworn to kill Rhom-Ocs, and is hated by them. He also will not trust to the word of any human, and even rarely speaks more than a few sentences to them.


History: Morden Peshirgolz was born on Tohunden in the month of Kasthomin. A terrible storm caused a landside to bury the village storehouses on the day of his birth, which was taken to be a terrible omen. Therefore he was called Morden.To counteract the effect of this portent, the Denirim had a stone amulet fashioned for the babe, which the Denirim blessed and gave to the child. His father was a musician, one of a line of musicians. Morden had a great talent for music, and was skilled in playing the wind instruments of the Dwarves. He was a skilled woodsman, and eventually became the most respected hunter in the tribe. It was said that Morden could never be found, only he found others, because of his great stealth.
At his Baregozar, Morden was told to climb into the Ilmith mountains to commune with the Dwarven Gods. He was required to six months in the wild thus, and was only allowed to take his spear and his baroomith, a family heirloom. While living in the high mountains, Morden was inspired to compose music. He played his baroomith at all times of day, reflecting on how to make music to emulate the glory of the earth and to bring praise to Trum-Baroll. When he returned, he began work on a great composition, which became his Wirrurt. He was highly respected in the village for the beauty of his music.
Having achieved such high standing in the eyes of his fellow dwarves, Morden won the heart of the chieftan's daughter, and they were wed some time after. Morden and his wife had twin boys.
Morden was a powerful hunter, a skilled woodsman, and a fierce defender for his tribe. He would rally groups of young Susilgerim warriors to raid the Rhom-Oc from time to time. Because of this, the Rhom-Oc began to search for his village, wishing to destroy this pest. They were so aggravated by him that they tried to force surrounding peoples to help them find the village, a practice that was against their usual customs.
When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, Morden and several of his companions were captured by the Rhom-Oc. They were tortured by the Rhom-Oc in an effort to get them to reveal the location of their village. Morden and his men held out for several days, until one of them gave away the location. The Rhom-Oc prepared to kill Morden and his men, since they were no longer needed, and strike against their village. A stroke of luck saved Morden from death here, as a company of dwarves came to his rescue just at this time. The rescuers were able to free the captives, but only manage to drive off the Rhom-Oc. Morden, knowing of the treachery, urged them to return to the village with all haste. But the legs of a dwarf cannot match those of a warg.
Rushing back to the village, Morden arrived only to see his family dead, and his home burned. Morden flew into a blind rage, attacking the Rhom-Oc with such ferocity that they were for a time driven back. But they far outnumbered the remaining dwarves, and Morden was grievously wounded as the remnant of his village was forced to flee.
When they had fled into the mountains, Morden told the Denirim (who had barely survived the attack) of the treachery. Morden was overcome with grief and anguish, and collapsed. When he awoke, he was in a neighboring village recovering. The battle had left its mark on him. Several dark scars slashed across his face, and his right hand was gone. When Morden was strong enough to stand, a meeting of the clan chieftan and his council was called to decide the fate of Morden, for none of his companions had survived. Morden did not die, for it was not he who had actually commited the treachery, but for his part he was exiled.Thus it was that Morden again climbed into the mountains to live in solitude. Often at night, when the pain of his wounds were great, he would follow the Rhom-Oc on their raids, tracking them on foot. When they reached their target, he would catch up to them. Morden gained a small consolation from killing any Rhom-Oc who became separated from their raiding party.
It is said by those who travel the Imlith mountains that now the wind carries with it a high, fleeting voice of sorrow, as of a far-off flute. Travelers have said that it comes at various times of day, but is always a song of deep regret and sorrow. All who hear are haunted by its despair long after.Again with the All, Many would solve the problem fairly well here as well..

Pretty good, though a few things not accounted for. Such as his Training for everything he is talented at and where he got his Stone axe.

Weapons: One Stone-Axe, given to him by his village chieftan.Never saw this in History, something to add. He also carries an assassin's dagger to aid him in stealthy raids. 
Belongings: In addition to his helm, Morden carries with him a small steel buckler, which he clasps to his right arm when in battle. As mentioned, he carries his silver baroomith with him. He has a good provision of food, and an intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck. He also carries a copy of the Rocktales with him.
Well there it is, tell me if I need to do more research on anything, or if there's any part of the character you'd like to see fleshed out.


Nice job, not a whole lot wrong, just mostly fleshing out, didn't see problem with what you said about dwarves, at all. Just keep working at it and you should be titled fairly soon, i would think.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 04, 2008, 09:11:38 PM
Hey Morden, it's great to see another dwarf around here! 

I'm just popping in to back up what Ganinon was saying about using "All who hear him play are touched by his sorrowful tones."  You can't control the actions of other characters around you, so there really is no way you can keep this true in role playing.  There will always be one hardened/deaf character who won't be listening! ;)


Title: More Comments, Please!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 05, 2008, 12:57:55 AM
I've made the changes you suggested, Ganinon. Hope I've covered everything!


Title: Ready for Comments!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 05, 2008, 06:09:04 AM
Pushing my CD back to the top of the list again.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 06, 2008, 02:52:16 AM
Pushing a CD to the top of the page should only be done if and only if a character has not received any comments for at least three days.


*Morden owns a stone axe and is highly skilled with it. He also own a dagger, which he is skilled in using to back-stab foes. This is accomplished by first tying a small sack of rocks to his right arm(I don't think you'll need all that preparation just to stab an orc in the back. I mean, you just need one hand to stab, right? Also, the Susilgerims are experts when it comes to sneaking. That's why they're called the 'quiet dwarves'.). Then, sneaking up behind his enemy, Morden swings the sack around, smashing them in the face. When the opponent falls back from the blow, he is stabbed in the back. This is usually lethal against Orcs, since Morden has killed so many of them he know just where to strike. It is not as effective against other races, and Morden would not dare do this to a dwarf.
These are two different weapons and are needed to be listed into two separate strengths.

When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, Morden and several of his companions were captured by the Rhom-Oc. They were tortured by the Rhom-Oc in an effort to get them to reveal the location of their village. Morden and his men held out for several days, until one of them gave away the location.(I need you to elaborate on this part. The main dwarven entry specifically states that dwarves have a strong will and mental resistance, are stubborn and are unyielding to any pressure exerted on them.)

When they had fled into the mountains, Morden told the Denirim (who had barely survived the attack) of the treachery. Morden was overcome with grief and anguish, and collapsed. When he awoke, he was in a neighboring village recovering. The battle had left its mark on him. Several dark scars slashed across his face, and his right hand was gone. When Morden was strong enough to stand, a meeting of the clan chieftan and his council was called to decide the fate of Morden, for none of his companions had survived. Morden did not die, for it was not he who had actually commited the treachery, but for his part he was exiled.(I don't think he would be exiled by the leaders, as he was not the one who disclosed the location of the community. In fact he would be treated as a hero for returning to his village to help defend it, or for buying some time for noncombatants to escape.)

Weapons: One Stone-Axe, given to him by his village chieftan. He also carries an assassin's dagger to aid him in stealthy raids.
(Where did he get that dagger? This is an unusual weapon for the dwarves.)

There you go. Other than those mentioned above, I can't find any more flaws, at least on the dwarf content of the CD.

Have a nice day.


Title: Ready for Comments!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 06, 2008, 04:17:16 AM
Sorry about that, I was being a little controlling as far as keeping my CD at the top of the board. Won't happen again.

Anyway, I've made more changes according to your comments. When do you think will my CD be good enough for a first approval?


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 06, 2008, 07:04:58 AM
Hey Morden, I don't think you're far off, as Zann said. Especially as you seem to be incorporating the comments very quickly ;).  However, I would like to see a bit more detail in your strengths and weaknesses, particularly the weapons and the headaches.  It's hard for me to judge if you're balanced or not at the moment, as I'm not sure how much or how often they help/hinder you.  For example - "Highly skilled" isn't that descriptive, adding an example would help define it.

On the other hand I would advise toning down at least some of your skills a little, as you can use two weapons (one "highly skilled"), control people's emotions through music, sneak up on practically anyone and never be sneaked up on in return.  Each of these might be possible for a master in that particular thing, but you can't be a master in all of them...because having that level of expertise would require your undivided attention and focus.  I hope that makes sense - it's getting a little close to bedtime over here :P.  Either choose one thing you want to be really good at and tone down the others quite a bit, or tone down all of them a little.


Title: Ready for Comments!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 06, 2008, 08:01:55 AM
Allright, made some more changes.

Rookie, keep checking up on my strengths/weaknesses section. I am very biased towards my own character (naturally  :grin: ), so I need a more objective opinion to set me straight.

Thanks


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 07, 2008, 02:37:28 AM
*Goes off to fetch a few mods for possible approvals* :grin:


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 07, 2008, 11:33:23 PM
 :cool: Alright!

Thanks for all your help on this CD, Zann. It would never have gotten so far without your insightful help.  :thumbup:


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 08, 2008, 10:54:54 AM
it's a mods job to help a CD, you know. :grin:

I wonder why the CD mods haven't checked this CD yet.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 08, 2008, 11:34:27 AM
I don't know, I'm sure they'll be here soon. Do I need to remove the highlighting for changes before they approve it?


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Mannix on November 08, 2008, 12:46:51 PM
Nah, you should leave them in until it is ready to be moved to the archives and you have been titled. Someone will tell you to remove the colouring when its time to. Good luck.

Mannix


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 09, 2008, 09:18:00 AM
Hallllloooooooo!!!
Any Mods out there by any chance?!?

Not to be impatient, but it has now been a while since I last received any comments. I was told that the next thing needed was for a mod to check out my CD. I understand that everybody's busy, but can you at least give me a heads-up that you have looked at my CD, even if you don't have time to read it in depth?

Again, I really don't want to come across as impatient, but it would be noce to just hear from one of the mods. I can wait a little longer for comments/possible approvals if you're all that busy.

Please reply.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Garret Arroway on November 09, 2008, 11:26:10 AM
Alot of the mods have been pretty busy of late. Someone will get around to this when they have the time. If you've taken care of the comments given by others you should be near approval. If I have time this weekend I'll take a look, but I know almost nothing of the dwarves.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 09, 2008, 11:54:58 AM
OK, that's fine. I just wanted to see if you guys were still alive  ;)


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Simonne Miller on November 09, 2008, 06:09:28 PM
I read parts of your CD but there were still some things that I wanted to comment on. At the moment I have a visitor though (one of the other CD mods ;)) so I don't have time to actually give the comments. I will take a look at this soon though, so just a little more patience :)


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 10, 2008, 06:55:24 PM
I also have your's and Thorin's CDs on my mental To-do list  :)


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Simonne Miller on November 11, 2008, 04:06:24 AM
Ok, I promised a check, so here we go! Comments in lovely teal :)

Name:  Morden Peshirgolz
Gender: Male
Age: 177
Race: Dwarf
Tribe: Susilgerim Clan
Occupation: Exiled Musician
Title: The Mystic Voice

Appearance: Standing 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths high, Morden is unusually tall, even for a Susilgerim. He possesses a sturdy frame of 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, and 1 od. He has a stern chin, and a flint-like gaze comes from his grey eyes. He is missing his right hand, and wears a dark cloak to conceal this injury. Beneath his spotched earth-colored mantle, he wears thick furs. A masked helm covered in foreboding runes covers his head, and thick brown boots tread the ground beneath him. An intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck.

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, and 1 od

Eye color: Grey

Hair color: Black

Personality: Morden is a distrustful and whimsical dwarf, given to sarcasm and occasional rages. He is selective of his company, due to his somewhat arrogant and overbearing nature. Few have ever become close to him, but those few who have came to see him as also loyal, compassionate, and restless. He is plagued by horrible guilt, stemming from a difficult past. He has begun to doubt that Trum-Baroll and the Dwarven gods If with 'Dwarven gods' you mean the UnSthommerons, I'd just call them UnSthommerons... They're not really gods. Demi-gods at most, but often also seen as ancestors. There's only one god and that's TrumBaroll :) still care for him. His spiritual crisis depresses him greatly. He is remarkably stealthy, and is skilled with the Fang-Axe, which he has learned to wield one handed. His rages often throw the tide of battle in his favor, but they can also alienate his allies from him. He cannot ride a horse Sure you can... western-style riding, happens with one hand :) (one of my characters misses a hand but he has no problem riding a horse) or climb, due to his missing hand. He has sworn vengeance upon all orcs, and has been exiled by his clan. Morden is extremely cruel and morbid towards humans. why? Morden avoids contact with his fellow dwarves because of the painful losses he has received. why does this make him avoid them? They're apparently the only ones he feels he can more or less trust... Morden is distrustful of all races, except dwarves. He feels very suspicious of elves, because of their somewhat magical nature. He has not heard of many of the other races.

Strengths

*Morden is prone to great rages, which often turn battles in his favor. He is able to summon up bursts of great strength to slay his opponents. However, this happens inconsistently, and only in times of dire need or when Morden is greatly angered by injustice.
*Morden is a master of music, especially that of the baroomith. His music has a soothing and charming effect. Many who hear him play are touched by his sorrowful tones.

*Morden is incredibly stealthy, even for a Susilgerim. Unless magic is used against him, there are few situations in which he cannot hide himself. Hmm, I'd still like to see this toned down just a little bit. Throughout your CD you seem to make your character just that little bit better than everyone else. While it is possible that in some things you are better, at the moment you are taller than most Susilgerim, you're stealthier than most of them, in his history you say that he became the most respected huntsman, this while he was already incredibly skilled in playing music.... See what I mean? I just can't really bring myself to believe that he'd be the best in so many different areas.

*Morden is very alert, and difficult to surprise. He can hear practically everything going on around him, and seems to have developed a "sixth sense" for sensing danger. This comes from the large amount of time spent living in the wilderness. Hmm, 'practically anything'? All the time? How does he not go mad? ;) No, honestly, if a person (even a dwarf) would hear practically everything around them all the time, they'd go nuts. At least some things would be filtered away as being 'unimportant'. My suggestion: change it so that he can hear 'practically everything' when he's concentrating, but not when he's not really paying attention.
PS: as an example, just imagine him in a tavern setting, which, considering the stories, isn't too far-fetched a scenario. If he would hear practically everything without trying, he'd be hearing up to 20 (busy tavern ;)) conversations at the same time. Pretty deafening, wouldn't you agree?

*Morden owns a stone axe. He is more than strong enough to handle it, even with one hand. However, since the Susilgerim fighting style does not make much use of heavy weapons, he uses it mainly as a defensive weapon, keeping the enemy at bay with its large size.

*He also own a dagger, which he is skilled in using to back-stab foes. Morden is not skilled in using the dagger in open conflict. His talent with it is in finding the weak spots of his opponents, severely wounding them before they have a chance to fight back. So at which point does he use this? Surely not while he's busy keeping the enemies away from his body...

*Morden also carries with him a sack of rocks tied to a rope with a loop on the end of it. Sliding this loop over his stump, Morden can flick the stump of his wrist to throw the rocks at an enemy. Again, at which point does he use this? Also, I'd like to see a bit more description of this, because I'm having a bit of a hard time envisioning how the loop does not glide off his arm, either over the stump or towards the elbow :)

Weaknesses

*Morden is missing his right hand, and suffered some loss of movement due to other injuries. He cannot ride a horse because of this. Could you specify the 'loss of movement' a bit more? It's a bit vague at the moment. In an open fight, Morden must rely on strength and guile Those two seem kind of... mutually exclusive, if you ask me. If you use guile, you sneak up on your enemies and kill them like that, for which you don't need *that* much strength, whereas if you use force there's really not much guile involved at all. to succeed because his opponents can usually outmaneuver him easily. Morden must carefully avoid an open conflict, because his injuries have weakened his abilities in battle

*Morden's tendency towards anger and sarcasm often alienates those around him. He keeps to himself very much, so he does not receive much help from others. I don't really see how this is a weakness. It's possible, but maybe you can give an example how this has hindered him in the past, or how it might hinder him in the future?

*The rages Morden uses to his advantage on the battlefield cause him to incur greater injuries than he would otherwise. While he slays his foes with brute force he leaves himself more exposed to counterattacks.

*Morden has voluntarily exiled himself from the Susilgerim clan, and therefore does not receive as much help from other Dwarves as he would have previously. I don't really see why. To give an example, I have a dwarf character who's been travelling on the surface for the past couple of years. Why would she not help your character, just because he exiled himself? She wouldn't know... And I think many dwarves he stayed underground wouldn't know either, would they? He also has sworn to kill Rhom-Ocs, and is hated by them. He also will not normally trust to the word of any human, and even rarely speaks more than a few sentences to them. I don't see how these last two sentences are related to the voluntary exile. They're two separate weaknesses if you ask me, which deserve their own bullet points and explanations. For the not trusting a human's word you'll really need one, because I don't see how it hinders him (it's possible mind you! Just explain it ;))

*Morden occasionally experiences headaches and disorientation, because of the torture he suffered at the hands of the Rhom-Oc. This occurs at least once or twice a day, during which time Morden must rest, as it is very difficult for him to think clearly then. Under harsh conditions, or on long journeys, the effects of his ailments increase. Because he is extremely irritable during these times, Morden has isolated himself from others.

History: Morden Peshirgolz was born on Tohunden in the month of Kasthomin. A terrible storm caused a landside landslide to bury the village storehouses on the day of his birth, which was taken to be a terrible omen. Therefore he was called Morden.To counteract the effect of this portent, the Denirim had a stone amulet fashioned for the babe, which the Denirim blessed and gave to the child. His father was a musician, one of a line of musicians, and taught Morden to play the baroomith. Morden had a great talent for music, and was skilled in playing the wind instruments of the Dwarves. He joined the older huntsman on their forays whenever he could, so that he became a skilled woodsman, and eventually became the most respected hunter in the tribe. He learned the art of stealth while hunting. It was said that Morden could never be found, only he found others, because of his great stealth. Yeah, like I said... I can't quite bring myself to believe this. It's just all a little 'too good to be true' if you know what I mean.

      At his Baregozar, Morden was told to climb into the Ilmith Imlith mountains to commune with the Dwarven Gods. Uhm... why? I don't remember reading anything about such a use of Baregozar anywhere. If there is something written about sending teenagers (well, what for humans would be considered teenagers) to survive in the wild for half a year, could you point me towards it? If this is just for your character,  you'll need a very good explanation... He was required to six months in the wild thus, and was only allowed to take his spear and his baroomith, a family heirloom. While living in the high mountains, Morden was inspired to compose music. He played his baroomith at all times of day, reflecting on how to make music to emulate the glory of the earth and to bring praise to Trum-Baroll. When he returned, he began work on a great composition, which became his Wirrurt. He was highly respected in the village for the beauty of his music.Having achieved such high standing in the eyes of his fellow dwarves, Morden won the heart of the chieftan's chieftain's daughter, and they were wed some time after. Morden and his wife had twin boys.

      Morden was a powerful hunter, a skilled woodsman, and a fierce defender for his tribe. He would rally groups of young Susilgerim warriors to raid the Rhom-Oc from time to time. For his heroic efforts, the clan chieftan chieftain ordered a great stone axe to be made for him. It was made in the style of the Fang-Axe, and prayers to Trum-Baroll for good fortune were carved into it with runes. Morden became very skilled with this weapon by practicing with it in the Rhom-Oc. He was also given a rune covered iron helm, which was one of the chieftan's prized possessions.Because of Morden's success in battle, the Rhom-Oc began to search for his village, wishing to destroy this pest. They were so aggravated by him that they tried to force surrounding peoples to help them find the village, a practice that was against their usual customs.

      When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, Morden and several of his companions were captured by the Rhom-Oc. They were tortured by the Rhom-Oc in an effort to get them to reveal the location of their village. The Rhom-Oc shaman gave Morden and his men many powerful drugs to destroy their mental restistance to their torture. Morden and his men held out for several days, until one of them was given so many drugs that he went insane. In his ensuing delirium, he revealed the location of the village. The Rhom-Oc prepared to kill Morden and his men, since they were no longer needed, and strike against their village. A stroke of luck saved Morden from death here, as a company of dwarves came to his rescue just at this time. The rescuers were able to free the captives, but only manage to drive off the Rhom-Oc. Morden, knowing of the treachery, urged them to return to the village with all haste. But the legs of a dwarf cannot match those of a warg.

      Rushing back to the village, Morden arrived only to see his family dead, and his home burned. Morden flew into a blind rage, attacking the Rhom-Oc with such ferocity that they were for a time driven back. But they far outnumbered the remaining dwarves, and Morden was grievously wounded as the remnant of his village was forced to flee. In the midst of the battle, an Orc dagger pierced Morden's right hand throught the wrist. Morden later saved this dagger, to use as weapon of revenge on the Rhom-Oc.

      When they had fled into the mountains, Morden told the Denirim (who had barely survived the attack) of the treachery. He managed to flee into the mountains far enough that the Orcs couldn't find them anymore with a dagger through his wrist? How is his mind still clear enough to remember what happened? Or rather... how did he not fall unconscious from blood loss before this point? Morden was overcome with grief and anguish, and collapsed. When he awoke, he was in a neighboring village recovering. The battle had left its mark on him. Several dark scars slashed across his face, and his right hand was gone. When Morden was strong enough to stand, a meeting of the clan chieftan and his council was called to decide the fate of Morden, for none of his companions had survived. Morden was hailed as a hero for his part in defending the village and saving the few survivors of the attack. However, due to the physical and mental damage Morden received, he decided to live alone the rest of his life.

      Thus it was that Morden again climbed into the mountains to live in solitude. Often at night, when the pain of his wounds were was great, he would follow the Rhom-Oc on their raids, tracking them on foot. When they reached their target, he would catch up to them. Morden gained a small consolation from killing any Rhom-Oc who became separated from their raiding party.It is said by those who travel the Imlith mountains that now the wind carries with it a high, fleeting voice of sorrow, as of a far-off flute. Travelers have said that it comes at various times of day, but is always a song of deep regret and sorrow. Few who  hear it are not haunted by its despair long after. Just a little warning, you are still in Northern Sarvonia at this point. There are not too many stories playing up there, so you might want to find a reason for him to move on South so that he can join a story :)

Weapons: One Stone-Axe, given to him by his village chieftan. He also carries an assassin's dagger to aid him in stealthy raids. Several sacks of rocks hang from his belt; these can be thrown in combat. Could you describe these things a bit? Like how big they are, what they look like, you know.

Belongings: In addition to his helm, Morden carries with him a small steel buckler, which he clasps to his right arm when in battle. As mentioned, he carries his silver baroomith with him. He has a good provision of food, and an intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck. He also carries a copy of the Rocktales with him.

Ok, so that's it. Sorry if there seems to be a lot of teal in there... Most of the things I mentioned aren't too major issues, so they shouldn't keep you long from an approval, but I just like to be specific. Or nitpicky, if you want to call it that ;) I'll change your icon to the pencil, change it back to the exclamation mark when you've integrated my comments.


Title: Ready for Comments!
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 11, 2008, 08:02:45 AM
OK, I made your suggested changes, Simonne. Thanks for the thorough check.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 12, 2008, 08:14:05 PM
Hey Morden, I hear you're going to help out in our proposed Dwarven Tavern!  Congrats :D

Ok, the CD.  There are unfortunatly a couple of points which I'm not sure about, so here we go,

~ I thought that a Dwarf's Wirrut had show off his main skill? You might want to mention the hunting and survival in the first paragraph too, as you talk about how good he is with music, but then suddenly he's being tested in something else?   Also why does he then produce a Wirrut which is to do with his other skill?  Perhaps he wrote it about the wilderness and his love of it, so that the music is kind of a story of his time outside?  (Just a suggestion, feel free to use it or anything else you like ;))

~ One of your weaknesses says you won't go to dwarves for help, another says you do....maybe some rewording is in order?

~ How do Rhom-Orcs know it's him?  I'm not sure that one dwarf looks that much different to another for other races...maybe they have a story of a one-handed axe-wielder?

~ The Tandala Highlands are still not south enough for most of the stories, and are impassable.  You have to get a boat around them :P.

But otherwise this is now a very well-written CD, with clear consequences for the risks he takes.  I can really see how he's using his strengths and is hindered by his weaknesses in his history.  Feel free to give me a pm when you've got these comments in, I know you've been waiting a while :).

P.S. - I'm going to just change your post icon back to the pencil, as it helps us keep track of which CDs are awaiting comments :)


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 12, 2008, 09:57:40 PM
Ok, change "most respected huntsman" to "one of the most respected huntsmen", and you'll have your first approval.  Sorry for being nit-picky, but the most respected huntsman is probably some really old grandfather dwarf rather than a youngster ;). 


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 12, 2008, 11:31:51 PM
Tsk, tsk...you mods are so persnickety.  :lol:

Well, change made. I'm glad you like the CD, Rookie. Again, my thanks to all the kind CD mods for their help.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 12, 2008, 11:46:51 PM
*Blinks and looks at the CD*

... I can't believe I missed that part! I'm sorry to bring in bad news, but occupations in a dwarf society are strictly segregated. Females and males each have particular jobs, though some can be of either gender. Your job 'hunter' are usually for females only, but there are instances that there are male hunters in a clan. Sorry, but I need you to explain to us how he became a hunter.

List of different dwarven occupations. (http://www.santharia.com/races/dwarven_employment.htm)


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 13, 2008, 12:29:09 AM
What!  The CD mods are not infallible!!  How can this be!  :lol:

It does say "usually" though, so it shouldn't be too unusual for a male to be one.  Tell us why you started hunting and what made you keep doing it despite it being a female task and that should be fine.

Well spotted Zann!


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 13, 2008, 01:10:29 AM
Ugh.  :angry:

I guess I should start counting the number of times the mods tell me there's "just one more thing" to fix.  :lol:

Anyway, I think you get a free pass on that one, Zann, considering the helpfulness of all your previous work. Besides, you're the one who caught it.

OK, change made, hopefully to everyone's satisfaction. Lets get that first approval!


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 13, 2008, 01:26:39 AM
Good Luck Morden, and.....*drum roll*

First Approval  *much clapping*

You just have to wait for one more approval, and then one of the admins will give you your title and move your CD to the archives.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 13, 2008, 01:30:28 AM
Woooohoooo!!!  :grin:

*Delivers a flourishing bow to the applause*


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Simonne Miller on November 13, 2008, 02:18:21 AM
 :pet: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand you have your second approval!

With extra bunnies (http://www.meike.de/)!!!


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgrem Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 13, 2008, 03:42:44 AM
Yes!! Thanks, you guys!  :grin:


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 13, 2008, 11:50:30 PM
Congratulations Morden. Thorgas will be waiting for you in the Kann Kumruhnt.


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Ganinon on November 16, 2008, 07:55:07 AM
can we get Morden titled, Kali? lol been approved for a bit...not to seem impatient :evil: :lol:


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on November 18, 2008, 04:00:51 PM
Sorry for taking awhile to get over here! You are titled, so go ahead and remove your color so we can move it to the archives!


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 19, 2008, 03:39:46 AM
OK, colors removed, so the CD is ready for archiving! Thanks  :grin:


Title: Re: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician
Post by: Simonne Miller on November 19, 2008, 03:52:07 AM
Alright, moving this down for you ^.^