Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters 2008 => Topic started by: Thorin Broadfist on November 02, 2008, 11:09:03 AM



Title: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 02, 2008, 11:09:03 AM
Name: “Kavoninn Yabarrah” Thorin Broadfist

Title: Lonely Smith

Gender: Male

Age: 143

Race: Dwarf

Tribe: Mitharim

Overview:
Thorin keeps mostly to himself, sheltering his thoughts and emotions. He is an extraordinary smith, but has not had a chance to excel because of his travels. He is not an easy mark when it comes to trickery and cheating, yet he doesn't always advertise this, wanting to let others prove their honesty. He can hold his own in a battle, but he prefers not to kill unless it's necessary.

Height: 1 ped, 1 fore

Weight: 2 pygges, 3 hebs

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eye Color: Deep, Rich Hazel

Physical Appearance:
Thorin has a wide face, revealing his determination in whatever he starts. His broad cheekbones and firm chin give his face a defining angle and an honest look about him. His eyes are a deep, rich hazel that has but a hint of green in them. Just below them sits his rather large nose that gives his face an almost oversized look. His pale skin (not quite as pale as the rest of the Mitharim Dwarfs) contrasts his beard, which is braided into one long, thick braid that reaches down to his waist. It is kept in an orderly fashion, even while he’s working. His hair he lets down to his shoulders, kept behind his small, round ears. He has broad shoulders and a fairly muscular body from being a smith. His forearms are robust and his biceps betray his strength. His hand have callouses and some small scars. There is a burn-scar on his left palm when he accidentally grabbed a sword he thought was cool. There is also a scar on his right foot from when he dropped his smithy hammer on it. He isn’t the most handsome dwarf but he isn't the ugliest.

Clothing:
Thorin wears a dark brown tunic that has a few burned spots and frayed edges. A leather belt with a gleaming silver buckle is fastened around his waist. He also wears a pair of light brown trousers that are mud caked near the feet. When working, he dons a pair of thick leather gloves to protect his hands. A pair of sturdy leather boots are worn throughout the day. He also bears an onyx ring bearing the Mitharim anvil and square.
In battle he dons a mail hauberk that he helped to make, a studded mail and leather helm, and, depending on the weapon he is using, a wooden, reinforced round shield.

Personality:
Thorin is not as outgoing as he once was. This is due to several occurrences where his friends have abandoned him or died. He is honest and hardworking with a hint of shyness. He also hates cheaters and those who try to get ahead in life by dishonesty. He will try and stop anyone who attempts to cheat an honest worker out of their hard earned rewards. Thorin has lived among humans for quite a few years and has grown a liking to their "odd" ways. He has a strong dislike of orcs because of several stories, violent stories of course, told to him in his younger days that he still remembers quite well. He truly enjoys ale like any other dwarf, yet his tongue does not become as loose as others might.

Strengths:
-Excellent smith- Thorin has become an extraordinary smith over the years. He is able to repair and mend both weapons and armor quite well.

-Decent fighter- While traveling, Thorin met up with a battle-weary mercenary who traded training for repair work. Thorin has had little training in the use of weapons. He only trained for a day with a mercenary who taught him the basics. He has improved his battle skills through dealing with pests (giant rats and the sort), but still has a lot to learn.

-Nail-axe- Thorin has a nail-axe with which he can hold his own. He usually only encounters highwaymen and brigands, and he normally swings the axe noticeably slower than most would, he swings for damage. He traded a short sword he had made for it from the mercenary who trained him.

-Battle-axe- Thorin has a battle-axe, and he is much better at fighting with it than his nail-axe, due to the fact that he swings with all his might, separating flesh from bone. He hasn't had as much experience with his battle-axe as his nail-axe, since the nail-axe it easier to grab and battle with, but when he does pull out his battle-axe most thugs and their cronies realize he means business and flee. He made it for a warrior who never payed him and so Thorin kept it as payment.

-Smithy hammer- Thorin sometimes uses his smithy hammer to fight with, even though it's really just him swinging as hard as he can at the target. Thorin only uses it when his other weapons are out of reach, as he always keeps his smithy hammer on him.

-Gregory, a Kiang donkey- Thorin bought him when he was living in Marcogg. Gregory is used as a pack animal and means of transport. Thorin hitches Gregory to his cart whenever he needs to travel. He is also one of Thorin's closest friends and will follow Thorin undoubtedly.

-Armor- Thorin has in is his possession a mail hauberk, a mail/leather helm, and a small round shield. He dons these when he knows he will be fighting, otherwise they are left in his cart.

Weaknesses:
-Loneliness- Over the years Thorin has kept mostly to himself, because of this he is untrusting of those he does not know well. He treats strangers as potential thieves and deceivers. Because of this, it can be hard to befriend him. Thorin also sometimes becomes depressed at not meeting many dwarves on his travels and befriends the mug too often.

-Friends are few and spread apart- He doesn't have many, but those he does have he will protect to no end, even if it brings himself harm. It does not matter how injured or tired he is, Thorin will try and protect his friends to the very end, even if it kills him.

-Greed is good- Thorin has a slight addiction to all things gold. It may just be his dwarven nature spurred to greater lengths from his travels, but either way you probably will not receive something from him without some sort of payment. He also does not part with things precious to him, like his smithy hammer, for any price at all.

-Past Experiences- Thorin's past troubles him greatly and he will almost never speak of it, even when drinking. At times he will go completely silent, pondering his past misfortunes, not paying attention to his surroundings. This has caused him to ride over rocks or holes, breaking wheels on his cart. He also ignores nearly every sound, making it even harder to converse with him as any of several words can bring about his memories. So, you may be conversing with him and he suddenly stops talking, in which case you either have to wait or make a really loud sound.

History:
 Thorin was raised in the caves of the Mitharim dwarves. He apprenticed himself to a smith at the age of 17, whom he learned under for the next 24 years. Then, at age 41, his master noticed his gift for metal working and took him to learn under a master smith. Thorin stayed with him until his Baregozar, when he was 89. Then, his skills as a blacksmith really seemed to shine. At his Wirrutharoon he showed off an exceptionally good short sword. Then, at the Time of Choosing, he tried and failed to court a dwarf maid. Ashamed and distraught, Thorin left his tribe's caves and sought refuge above ground, as a “Kavoninn Yabarrah”.

 He traveled to several different cities, settling down in each one and making one or two friends. In Marcogg, one of the cities he traveled to, he saw a monk who had a light gray Kiang donkey that he was trying to sell. Realizing he could use the donkey to pull a cart, he offered to buy it from the monk. The monk agreed to trade the donkey, named Gregory, to Thorin in exchange for a few gold-plated candlesticks. In another city, about one year after he bought Gregory, a warrior came to him and asked him to make him a battle-axe. After they agreed to a price, Thorin began working on it. When he had finished, the warrior refused to pay him the full price. Not allowing himself to be cheated, Thorin kept the axe and told the warrior he wouldn't get it until he paid the full price.

 Yet misfortune followed him. In each city he settled into, his friends either went off on some adventure or other, or died in a type of accident, farming or otherwise. Disheartened, Thorin wandered for about the next 53 years, working as a smith when he could, and killing pests and rodents when he couldn't. Since he didn't have any weapons of his own, Thorin would use his smithy hammer to bash the pests to bloody pulps. Without any previous training, he would swing at them like he was swinging at a piece of metal he was currently working on. After several failed attempts and a few scratches and bruises, he eventually figured out a decent form of combat with his hammer.

 Also during his travels he met a battle-weary mercenary camped outside one of the cities Thorin used to live in, whose armor and weapons had been severely damaged. Thorin went into the city and spoke with the man he had sold his smithy to, asking to use it for a while. With the persuasion of their slight friendship, the fact Thorin sold him the forge, and a little bit of coin, he consented. Thorin then traded his skills as a blacksmith to repair the mercenary's armor and weapons for training in the use of the nail axe and battle axe. The training, which only lasted a day, was very beneficial to Thorin.  He also traded a short sword he made before leaving the last city he was in for the nail-axe, in which he had just received some training. He continues to travel, keeping mostly to himself for fear he will somehow bring harm to those he befriends.

Weapons:
-a nail axes, kept at his left side or in his cart
-a battle axe, kept on his back, or in his cart
-his smithy hammer is sometimes used to bash in skulls and is always at his belt

Belongings:
-a small, bronze coin he made when he was a young lad, bearing the Mitharim anvil and square, a good luck charm
-a small gem stone he found when exploring caves in his childhood
-a copy of the Rock Tales
-a firestone pouch, containing flint, steel, and tinder
-a beer skin, kept as full as a dwarf can keep it
-a belt knife, kept at his belt
-an eating knife, kept at his belt
-a horse-drawn cart, in which he keeps the majority of his belongings

Familiar:
Name: Gregory
Age: 17 years
Race: Kiang Donkey
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 3 palmspans
Weight: 3 pygges, 2 hebs
Hair Color: Light Gray
Personality: Gregory is a fairly unobservant donkey. He doesn't much care about what goes on around him, content to eat whatever is placed in front of him. He does, however, show a great fondness towards Thorin, whereas everyone else might as well not even exist. This is shown in Gregory's undoubted trust in Thorin. He would follow Thorin to the ends of the world.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 02, 2008, 01:49:49 PM
Please use the correct message icon found on top of the CD forum.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 03, 2008, 04:45:39 AM
Sorry about that, I was writing it in a somewhat rushed manner. Thank you for spotting that for me.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 03, 2008, 11:26:46 PM
Hello Thorin, and welcome to the Dream!! Finally, a dwarf! Not an elf nor a human!
Comments in the fiery color of red.

Name: “Kavoninn Yabarrah” Thorin Broadfist

Title: Lonely Smith

Gender: Male

Age: 143

Race: Dwarf

Tribe: Mitharim

Overview:
Thorin keeps mostly to himself, sheltering his thoughts and emotions. He is an extraordinary smith  but has not had a chance to excel because of his travels. He is not an easy mark when it comes to trickery and cheating, yet he doesn't always advertise this, wanting to let others prove their honesty. He can hold his own in a battle, but he prefers not to kill unless it's necessary.

Height: 1 ped, 1 fore

Weight: 2 pygges, 3 hebs

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eye Color: Deep, Rich Hazel

Physical Appearance:
Thorin has a wide face, broad cheekbones, firm chin, and his lips have a brownish hue, paler skin (not quite as pale as the rest of the Mitharim Dwarfs). His beard is braided into one long, thick braid that reaches down to his waist. It is kept in an orderly fashion, even while he’s working. His hair he lets down to his shoulders, kept behind his ears. He has broad shoulders and a fairly muscular body from being a smith. He isn’t the most handsome dwarf but it’s not like he’s ugly.(How can he be an ugly dwarf, with a well kept, waist length beard like that? :grin: )

Clothing:
Thorin wears a dark brown tunic, a leather belt with a gleaming silver buckle, light brown trousers, a pair of thick leather gloves, sturdy leather boots, and a onyx ring bearing the Mitharim anvil and square.
In battle he dons a mail hauberk, a studded mail and leather helm, and, depending on the weapon he is using, a wooden, reinforced round shield.

Personality:
Thorin is not as outgoing as he once was. This is due to several occurrences where his friends have abandoned him or died. He is honest and hardworking with a hint of shyness.

Strengths:
-excellent smith- Thorin has become an extraordinary smith over the years. He is able to repair and mend both weapons and armor quite well.
-keen minded- He has an uncanny ability to know when someone is lying or trying to cheat him. However, this doesn't work all the time.(I don't know if this won't work all the time. Based on the entry, the Mitharim are adept in detecting liars and people who tend to flatter them.)
(His ability to fight should be considered as a strength.)
(Possessing weapons is also considered a strength.)

Weaknesses:
-loneliness- Over the years Thorin has kept mostly to himself, because of this he is untrusting of those he does not know well.
-friends are few and spread apart- He doesn't have many, but those he does have he will protect to no end, even if it brings himself harm.

History:
 Thorin was raised in the caves of the Mitharim dwarves. He apprenticed himself to a smith at the age of 17, whom he learned under for the next 24 years. Then, at age 41, his master noticed his gift for metal working and took him to learn under a master smith. Thorin stayed with him until the Time of Choosing. He tried and failed to court a dwarves(dwarf) maid. Ashamed and distraught, Thorin left his tribe's caves and sought refuge above ground, as a “Kavoninn Yabarrah”.
 He traveled to several human cities, settling down in each one and making friends. Yet misfortune followed him. In each city he settled into, his friends either went off on some adventure or other, or died in a type of accident, farming or otherwise. Thinking that someone had cursed him when he first left his caves(Dwarves distrust all kinds of magic, so thinking that he is cursed might not work out.), he returned and found out that no such thing had happened. Disheartened, Thorin wandered for years, working as a smith when he could, and killing pests and rodents when he couldn't. He continues to travel, keeping mostly to himself for fear he will somehow bring harm to those he befriends.
(I love short histories, but I think you need to add more details, especially the important ones, in here. For example:
- where did he learn how to fight with the nail axe, the battle axe, and the smithing hammer? Note that all these weapons are used differently: The nail axe is a one handed weapon used for quick slashing. The battle axe is a heavier two handed weapon used to cut through armor and flesh. The hammer is a blunt weapon used to crush the armor and knees of riders and mounts.
- You only mentioned his life story up to his 41st year. He's currently 143 years old. What happened between his 41st and 143rd year?
- The important ceremonies in a dwarf's life, the Hu\Baregozar and the Wirrutharoon, needs to be mentioned in the history.)

Weapons:
-a nail axes, kept at his left side
-a battle axe, kept on his back, or in his saddle
-his smithing hammer is sometimes used to bash in skulls

Belongings:
-a small, bronze coin he made when he was a young lad, bearing the Mitharim anvil and square, a good luck charm
-a small gem stone he found when exploring caves in his childhood
(Where is his copy of The Rocktales?)


Familiars:
-(I would like Thorin to have a type of horse that a dwarf would actually ride, but I can't seem to find one. I would much appreciate any help here.)
(I understand that there is a type of hog, being developed in the dev. forum, that they use as beasts of burden, but I don't know if he will be able to ride it. Most of the riding animals we have are too tall for a dwarf to climb, or they are found in places far from any dwarven communities. You can have a small cart and a small horse to carry you, if you want to.)

And there you go. Here are some links for you to enjoy :grin: .
Dwarves of Caelereth. (http://www.santharia.com/races/dwarves.htm)
The Mitharim Dwarves. (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/dwarves/mitharim.htm)
Important Ceremonies. (http://www.santharia.com/races/dwarven_marriage.htm)

If you have any questions, feel free to ask any CD mod. They're here to help you in creating your character.
Have a nice day.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 04, 2008, 07:53:37 AM
Alright, thank you for the tips. I embellished on his adolescent years. But, I did mention the Time of Choosing and that he had been traveling for many years (now 53) so it wasn't just a jump from 41 to 143. But thank you still, i just went and embellished a lot.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 04, 2008, 09:06:01 PM
Hey Thorin and welcome to Santharia!

Just a few quick pointers from me today - your CD could do with a little more detail, especially in the strengths and weaknesses section and the familiars.  I'd like to know the age, size and name of the donkey, not to mention how it reacts to and intereacts with Thorin.  It should also be mentioned in your strengths.  Each of your strengths and weaknesses should be described in 2-3 sentences to allow us mods to have an idea of how much and how often each one is going to help/hinder you.  Each of your weapons should be listed as a separate strength, telling us how good he is with them.  You are also going to need another very good weakness, or possibly a couple to balance out the weapon and smith skills.

Good luck, and see you soon :)

Rookie xxx


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 05, 2008, 07:40:47 AM
Ok, new additions are in green.
And thank you for the comments.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 06, 2008, 07:13:00 AM
Okay!  A few more to keep you going (I'm sorry about the little bursts of comments, I'm just sort of having a look when I've got 15 mins or so, and I haven't really had time to do a complete check through unfortunately)

You are, in my opinion, fairly unbalanced.  I'll show you what I mean.

On the one hand you're a great smith, an excellent fighter with a range of weapons and you have a donkey to carry extra wealth too.

On the other you don't mix that well with others and demand payment when he deserves it. 

I'd really like to see something which might limit his physical & financial strengths, possibly a couple of weaknesses.  Something to balance your character and which might let others get the better of him in a fight once in a while.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 06, 2008, 07:23:09 AM
Ok, first off I need to clarify something. I always thought "adept" meant "able to hold your own", not "fear me and my super powers!". I could be wrong, but I thought that's what the word meant, if it does I'll change it to fit. I don't want him to be this excellent fighter, just someone who can fight if needs be.

As to his demanding payment, I could always give him a temper. :) That would account for wanting to get paid when someone tried to cheat him. And if needs be, I can also decrease his skill with weapons to the point where he knows which end to hit with... Well, maybe not that much, but you get the picture (I hope).


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Ganinon on November 06, 2008, 08:25:58 AM
Righty then, welcome fellow dwarf. Comments will be in Teal...

Name: “Kavoninn Yabarrah” Thorin Broadfist

Title:Lonely Smith

Gender: Male

Age: 143

Race: Dwarf

Tribe: Mitharim

Overview:
Thorin keeps mostly to himself, sheltering his thoughts and emotions. He is an extraordinary smith  but has not had a chance to excel because of his travels. He is not an easy mark when it comes to trickery and cheating, yet he doesn't always advertise this, wanting to let others prove their honesty. He can hold his own in a battle, but he prefers not to kill unless it's necessary.

Height: 1 ped, 1 fore

Weight: 2 pygges, 3 hebs

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eye Color: Deep, Rich Hazel

Physical Appearance:
Thorin has a wide face, broad cheekbones, firm chin, and his lips have a brownish hue, paler skin (not quite as pale as the rest of the Mitharim Dwarfs). His beard is braided into one long, thick braid that reaches down to his waist. It is kept in an orderly fashion, even while he’s working. His hair he lets down to his shoulders, kept behind his ears. He has broad shoulders and a fairly muscular body from being a smith. He isn’t the most handsome dwarf but it’s not like he’s ugly. Like, isn't a word that should be used so much. Perhaps, "He isn't the most handsome of the Mitharim, but he most certainly isn't he ugliest." would work better.

Also, any scars? Smiths can miss and cut off a finger or smash it or burn themselves pretty easily. Maybe some scars on the hands would give him more of a smithy feel...

Clothing:
Thorin wears a dark brown tunic, a leather belt with a gleaming silver buckle, light brown trousers, a pair of thick leather gloves, sturdy leather boots, and a onyx ring bearing the Mitharim anvil and square.
In battle he dons a mail hauberk, a studded mail and leather helm, and, depending on the weapon he is using, a wooden, reinforced round shield.

Personality:
Thorin is not as outgoing as he once was. This is due to several occurrences where his friends have abandoned him or died. He is honest and hardworking with a hint of shyness.He also hates cheaters and those who try to get ahead in life by dishonesty. He will try and stop anyone who attempts to cheat an honest worker out of their hard earned rewards. Well, a fine start, but this could use quite a bit more. How does he feel toward the other races? Does he enjoy his ale a bit to much like some common dwarves do? Anything that may come up often could be included into your personality and help it be more complete.

Strengths:
-excellent smith- Thorin has become an extraordinary smith over the years. He is able to repair and mend both weapons and armor quite well.
-adeptAdept may be a bit to good for only 1 day of light training. Maybe extend the time of training or make him less talented. fighter- While traveling, Thorin met up with battle-weary mercenary who traded training for repair work. Altough he only spent a day with the mercenary, he learned the basics of fighting, however he is no where near being a master of battle.
-nail-axe- Thorin has a nail-axe with which he can decently fight. He traded a short sword he had madecomma for thismaybe "it" would eb better than this...doesn't flow to well, at least to me...But i tend to be a bit odd. :lol: from the mercenary.
-battle-axe- Thorin has a battle-axe, and he is much better at swinging it than his nail-axe, due to the fact that he can swing harder. He made it for a warrior who never payed him and so Thorin kept it as payment.
-smithy hammer- Thorin sometimes uses his smithy hammer to fight with, even though it's really just him swinging as hard as he can at the target. Thorin only uses it when his other weapons are out of reach, as he always keeps his smithy hammer on him.
-Gregory, a Kiang donkey- Thorin bought him when he was living in one of the many human towns he traveled to. (more in familiar section).

Weaknesses:
-loneliness- Over the years Thorin has kept mostly to himself, because of this he is untrusting of those he does not know well.
-friends are few and spread apart- He doesn't have many, but those he does have he will protect to no end, even if it brings himself harm.
-greed is good- Thorin has a slight addiction to all things gold. It may just be his dwarven nature spurred to greater lengths from his travels, but either way you probably will not receive something from him without some sort of payment.
-shameful?- Thorin's past troubles him greatly and he will almost never speak of it, even when drinking. At times he will go completely silent, pondering his past misfortunes, not paying attention to his surroundings. This has caused him to ride over rocks or holes, breaking wheels on his cart. He also ignores nearly every sound, making it even harder to converse with him as any of several words can bring about his memories. So, you may be conversing with him and he suddenly stops talking, in which case you either have to wait or make a really loud sound.

Well, all i have time for atm...will be back later to finish. Should give you somethign to do while i wait though. :D


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 06, 2008, 09:12:05 AM
Alright, I Incorporated some of your ideas and the newest additions are in teal.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on November 10, 2008, 04:31:25 PM
In the fiery color of red, as always.

History:
 Thorin was raised in the caves of the Mitharim dwarves. He apprenticed himself to a smith at the age of 17, whom he learned under for the next 24 years. Then, at age 41, his master noticed his gift for metal working and took him to learn under a master smith. Thorin stayed with him until his Baregozar, when he was 89. Then, his skills as a blacksmith really seemed to shine. At his Wirrutharoon he showed off an exceptionally good short sword. Then, at the Time of Choosing, he tried and failed to court a dwarf maid. Ashamed and distraught, Thorin left his tribe's caves and sought refuge above ground, as a “Kavoninn Yabarrah”.
 He traveled to several human cities, settling down in each one and making friends(Dwarves are extremely distrustful towards other races, and would prefer their own kind rather than the surface dwellers. Friendship between a dwarf and a non-dwarf do happen, but only after a considerable amount of time.). At one of these cities he say(saw) a monk who had a light gray Kiang donkey that he was trying to sell. Realizing he could use the donkey to pull a cart, he offered to buy it from the monk. The monk agreed to trade the donkey, named Gregory, to Thorin in exchange for a few gold-plated candlesticks. In another city, about one year after he bought Gregory, a warrior came to him and asked him to make him a battle-axe. After they agreed to a price, Thorin began working on it. When he had finished, the warrior refused to pay him the full price. Not allowing himself to be cheated, Thorin kept the axe and told the warrior he wouldn't get it until he payed(paid) the full price. Yet misfortune followed him. In each city he settled into, his friends either went off on some adventure or other, or died in a type of accident, farming or otherwise. Disheartened, Thorin wandered for about the next 53 years, working as a smith when he could, and killing pests and rodents when he couldn't. Since he didn’t have any weapons of his own, Thorin would use his smithy hammer to bash the pests to bloody pulps. Without any previous training, he would swing at them like he was swinging at a piece of metal he was currently working on. After several failed attempts and a few scratches and bruises, he eventually figured out a decent form of combat with his hammer. Also during his travels he met a battle-weary mercenary whose armor and weapons had been severely damaged. Thorin traded his skills as a blacksmith to repair his armor and weapons for training in the use of the nail axe and battle axe. The (The what?), which only lasted a day, was very beneficial to Thorin.  He also traded a short sword he made before leaving the last city he was in for the nail-axe, in which he had just received some training. He continues to travel, keeping mostly to himself for fear he will somehow bring harm to those he befriends.(There are instances wherein the dwarf forged weapons and repaired metalwork in an impromptu manner. Making and repairing weapons and armor requires an anvil and a forge. How did he manage to create his metalwork without these?)

Other than those mentioned above, I see no problems in your history section. I'll let the others take care of your strengths and weaknesses.

Have a nice day.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 12, 2008, 12:04:15 PM
Thanks for the insight, and catching those spelling errors. *grumbles at being a horrible speller*
I fixed that bit in his history about making those friends, limiting it to a few. The newest changes can be found the color of royalty.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on November 12, 2008, 09:13:37 PM
Join the club :P.  We haev T-shirs!

Ok, sorry about the last comments Thorin, I had mis-read one bit I think.  I have just read your history, and it seems to me like you've only had one day's training with the nail-axe and battle axe?  Shouldn't this make him only a very poor fighter, worse than he seems to be in your strengths?

I would like you to look at each one of your strengths and weaknesses and make sure that they say exactly how much it helps/hinders him.  It's probably easier to explain wih an example...so...

~ "Greth owns a sword, which he can swing quickly, making him a good fighter.".  This doesn't actually let me know how good "good" is....I know he can move it quickly....but how quick is "quickly"?

~ "Greth has owned his sword for ten years, and had three years of training before that.  He specialises in quick, fluid movements designed which, although not cutting deep, confuse the enemy and force him into a fast defence.  He is able to drive off the usual muggers and bandits one might meet on the road, although he hasvery rarely entered a battle situation."  This gives me not only an idea of his technique - quick rather than strong - but also who he usually goes up against.  This is not a mecenary, but he can defend himself against most attacks he might encounter on the road.

Do you see how much more information the second one gives me, and how it also sketches out his limits?  Just saying you have a weapon/donkey/skill doesn't say why it's good/bad - even if it's obvious you should put it in there.  We see a lot of CDs, and believe me, "good"/"decent"/"excellent are very different concepts in almost every one!

Also, your armour should also be in your strengths, as the average peasant wouldn't be able to afford it.

Hope that helps, and please feel free to ask if I've left anything unclear,

Rookie xxx

(Oh, and post icon changed to pencil for now - please change it back once you've added those comments in)


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 13, 2008, 07:39:52 AM
Thanks Rookie, the strengths/weakness part is hardest for me. >.<
New stuff in orange.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 16, 2008, 10:30:07 PM
Checked the history and it seems fine. Let's hope the others check your S&W's. I'm not good with those. :)


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Nox Echiiscuan on November 18, 2008, 02:27:50 PM
Quote
Hello! :heart:  I'm here to take a quick look at your S&W! All of my comments will be made fierce in fuchsia.


Strengths:
-Excellent smith- Thorin has become an extraordinary smith over the years. He is able to repair and mend both weapons and armor quite well.
(space)
-Decent fighter- While traveling, Thorin met up with a battle-weary mercenary who traded training for repair work. Thorin has had little training in the use of weapons. He only trained for a day with a mercenary who taught him the basics. He has improved his battle skills through dealing with pests (giant rats and the sort), but still has a lot to learn.
(space)
-Nail-axe- Thorin has a nail-axe with which he can hold his own. He usually only encounters highwaymen and brigands, and he normally swings the axe noticeably slower than most would, he swings for damage. He traded a short sword he had made for it from the mercenary who trained him.
(space)
-Battle-axe- Thorin has a battle-axe, and he is much better at fighting with it than his nail-axe, due to the fact that he swings with all his might, separating flesh from bone. He hasn't had as much experience with it as his nail-axe<-battle-axe, you mean?), as the nail-axe it easier to grab and battle with, but when he does pull out his battle-axe most thugs and their cronies realize he means business and flee. They  <-You seem to still have a snippet of a sentence that you must have deleted.)He made it for a warrior who never payed him and so Thorin kept it as payment.
(space)
-Smithy hammer- Thorin sometimes uses his smithy hammer to fight with, even though it's really just him swinging as hard as he can at the target. Thorin only uses it when his other weapons are out of reach, as he always keeps his smithy hammer on him.
(space)
-Gregory, a Kiang donkey- Thorin bought him when he was living in one of the many cities he traveled to.<-Which city?) (more in familiar section).
(space)
-Armor- Thorin has in is his possession a mail hauberk, a mail/leather helm, and a small round shield. He dons these when he knows he will be fighting, otherwise they are left in his cart.

Weaknesses:
-Loneliness- Over the years Thorin has kept mostly to himself, because of this he is untrusting of those he does not know well. He treats strangers as potential thieves and deceivers. Because of this, it can be hard to befriend him. Thorin also sometimes becomes depressed at not meeting few dwarves on his travels and befriends the mug too often.<-Do you mean "Thorin also sometimes becomes depressed at not meeting many dwarves on his travels and befriends the mug too often."?)
(space)
-Friends are few and spread apart- He doesn't have many, but those he does have he will protect to no end, even if it brings himself harm. It does not matter how injured or tired he is, Thorin will try and protect his friends to the very end, even if it kills him.
(space)
-Greed is good- Thorin has a slight addiction to all things gold. It may just be his dwarven nature spurred to greater lengths from his travels, but either way you probably will not receive something from him without some sort of payment. He also does not part with things precious to him, like his smithy hammer, for any price at all.
(space)
-Shameful?- Thorin's past troubles him greatly and he will almost never speak of it, even when drinking. At times he will go completely silent, pondering his past misfortunes, not paying attention to his surroundings. This has caused him to ride over rocks or holes, breaking wheels on his cart. He also ignores nearly every sound, making it even harder to converse with him as any of several words can bring about his memories. So, you may be conversing with him and he suddenly stops talking, in which case you either have to wait or make a really loud sound. (I don't think "Shameful" is a good title for this weakness. Just a personal opinion, really. But it doesn't sound like he's shameful so much as not paying attention, that's all.)


I put the spaces between each strength and weakness because it makes it much easier for us to read if there is a space between each paragraph. :)

Hm. Other than the few things I pointed out, I don't see anything wrong with your S&W. I don't think it's overpowered, though it's definitely not underpowered. If you wanted, you could add something more to the weaknesses, though I personally don't feel that it's necessary.

When I have time, I'll take a look through your entire CD to see whether or not you're ready for an approval- if you haven't gotten one by that time. :grin: But, for now, I have to run, taa!

Bobspeed,
:heart: ~ Nox ~ :heart:


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 19, 2008, 09:32:55 AM
Thanks for catching those mistakes Nox; I added the spaces in for your convenience.
Quote
He hasn't had as much experience with it as his nail-axe<-battle-axe, you mean?)
There I did mean the nail-axe, I just didn't quite make it clear which axe "it" referred to, cleared that up.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 25, 2008, 07:12:46 AM
It's been six days. >.<
I would love more comments to improve my character.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on November 25, 2008, 08:59:53 AM
I looked over your CD, and it looks OK to me.

I think the thing for you now is to simply wait for the CD mods to get around to commenting. You could trying politely PMing a few of them asking for comments.

However, the mods are almost always quite busy, so a measure of patience is needed while waiting for their comments. Things seem particularly busy right now, and everyone is having to wait for comments. It took me about a week before they looked over my S&W (Zann had already helped with my history).

Good luck with your character, and remember that a little patience goes a long way. It also doesn't hurt to comment on other people's CDs while you are waiting, as will increase your knowledge of Santharia and get you noticed by the mods.

Cheers from a fellow dwarf  :grin:


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 25, 2008, 09:26:54 AM
Ya, patience is a virtue I've been trying to learn for the past few years...not going too well.
Zann also looked over my history, and I've already had quite a bit of help with my S&W, I guess I'm really just waiting for approvals. I can't wait to start posting as an approved character, especially at The Kann Kemruhnt.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on November 26, 2008, 12:11:09 PM
I'll get a few mods to check your CD.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on November 27, 2008, 01:10:00 AM
Ok, thanks Zann.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Mannix on November 28, 2008, 10:35:09 AM
Hey Thorin. I’m going to give you a little check. You seem to have all the right content, so I’ll mainly point out grammar and spelling error, and give you some tip on expansion. There isn’t a lot, so I’ll cut out anything I’m not commenting on.

Overview:
Thorin keeps mostly to himself, sheltering his thoughts and emotions. He is an extraordinary smith,<~~(comma and delete 2nd space) but has not had a chance to excel because of his travels. He is not an easy mark when it comes to trickery and cheating, yet he doesn't always advertise this, wanting to let others prove their honesty. He can hold his own in a battle, but he prefers not to kill unless it's necessary.

Physical Appearance:
Thorin has a wide face, broad cheekbones, firm chin, and his lips have a brownish hue, paler skin (not quite as pale as the rest of the Mitharim Dwarfs). His beard is braided into one long, thick braid that reaches down to his waist. It is kept in an orderly fashion, even while he’s working. His hair he lets down to his shoulders, kept behind his ears. He has broad shoulders and a fairly muscular body from being a smith. He isn’t the most handsome dwarf but he isn't the ugliest. He also has a burn-scar (not sure if that's the right word) on his left palm when he accidentally grabbed a sword he thought was cool. There is also a scar on his right foot from when he dropped his smithy hammer on it.
This section has quite a few thing listed, but a description of them would be much better. You have described his beard, which is good, so why not try that with the rest. For example the first sentence is basically about his face so you could take the first point, wide face, and describe it. Maybe something like this: Thorin has a wide face, exuding strength and determination. He facial features a widely spread and rather larger. A large mouth sits above his firm chin and is framed by well-trimmed facial hair. His lips are somewhat disguised among his beard, as they have a brownish hue.
And from there you could go on to describe his nose, eyes, ears and any other facial trait. Once the face is done, you could describe his body a bit. His shoulders I see are mentioned. Just try and describe each point you have listed.

Clothing:
Thorin wears a dark brown tunic, a leather belt with a gleaming silver buckle, light brown trousers, a pair of thick leather gloves, sturdy leather boots, and a onyx ring bearing the Mitharim anvil and square.
In battle he dons a mail hauberk, a studded mail and leather helm, and, depending on the weapon he is using, a wooden, reinforced round shield.
Again, this is more of a list than a description. This section doesn’t need to be as descriptive as the last, but a little bit would help. For example, you could describe if the clothing is tightly fitting or loose, whether there is anything unusual on his clothes or boots. This also makes your character more unique.

Personality:
Thorin is not as outgoing as he once was. This is due to several occurrences where his friends have abandoned him or died. He is honest and hardworking with a hint of shyness.(space)He also hates cheaters and those who try to get ahead in life by dishonesty. He will try and stop anyone who attempts to cheat an honest worker out of their hard earned rewards. Thorin has lived among humans for quite a few years and has grown a liking to their "odd" ways. He has a strong dislike of orcs because of several stories, violent stories of course, told to him in his younger days that he still remembers quite well. He truly enjoys ale like any other dwarf, yet his tongue does not become as loose as others might.

Strengths:
-Gregory, a Kiang donkey- Thorin bought him when he was living in Marcogg. (more in familiar section). While there is more information on the donkey in the familiar section, you still need to tell us how this donkey helps Thorin.

And there you go. There wasn't a lot, so if you get these done it will mean your mod check could be an approval instead of another check. Good luck.

Mannix


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on December 04, 2008, 08:01:44 AM
Alrighty, I went and added a bit more detail, changed some stuff around, etc. New stuff in cyan.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on December 07, 2008, 12:09:08 AM
If you want the CD mods to check your CD, you should change your message icon to status 2. ;)


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on December 07, 2008, 06:52:56 AM
Thank you Zann, it slipped my mind.


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on December 19, 2008, 04:14:29 AM
12 Day Bump


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Nox Echiiscuan on December 20, 2008, 03:02:57 AM
I don't see any reason why you shouldn't get an approval. I read through the whole thing and nothing seems amiss- at least not to me. So here you go!

:pet::pet::pet:First Approval:pet::pet::pet:


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on December 20, 2008, 03:05:39 AM


YAY!


Title: Re: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith
Post by: Twén Arĺerwén on December 20, 2008, 05:02:23 AM
~Second Approval, Titled and Archived~