Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters 2009 => Topic started by: Sylvia Palinor on July 11, 2009, 10:56:11 PM



Title: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 11, 2009, 10:56:11 PM
Name: Sylvia Palinor

Soul name: Car'reoll fa Efer

Age: 55 (knowledge 50 years and appearance 35 years.)

Gender: Female

Race: Half-elf

Tribes: Elf Tethinrhim; Human Avennorian

Overview: A Half-elf who is considered outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to but a few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing nor'sidian hair with a single cy'hallowian snow lock in the front on her right side. She has a strong, lithe build, and is fairly skilled with two weapons: the double kilij, and cooran'loh. She dresses in an array of solid nor'sidian clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant, tied to string around her neck, made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and the fact that she never knew her father haunts her from day to day.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: Masked Huntress

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Ods, and 3 Mut

Eye Color: Hazel

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with one cy'hallowian snow lock in the front.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of realm beige, moderately pointed ears, shining white teeth, half-full lips the color of aeruillin red, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. Her complexion is almost flawless, except for a small scar right above her eye. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build, and is moderately curvy and fairly lithe. She has a black crescent-shaped birthmark on her forehead and a calculating look in her eyes. Her lips are usually set in a hard, firm line and she rarely laughs or smiles unless she is among her friends. Her hair is always worn down and her bangs are always in her face, giving an exotic effect to her intense hazel eyes.

Dress: She wears a long-sleeved tunic, long leggings, and boots that reach half-way up her calves, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down, are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from cotton, and fit not too loosely or tightly so as not to affect her in combat, and are light. The pattern of a cy'hallowian snow-colored pentagram inside of a congruently colored circle is sewn into the right shoulder of her tunic. Inside of the pentagram, is the elvish writing of her soul name, sewn in the color of Aeruillin red.

Personality: When Sylvia is around friends and trusted individuals, she will let her guard down to some degree. She will always carry her weapons with her, but she is noticeably less jumpy. She also shows a lapse in her guard by opening up. She is a warm, playful, sarcastic person by nature. However in the world of bounty hunters, she is forced to wear a mask of cold confidence, display her fiery temper that is reserved only for her enemies, and is quite paronoid. She has learned how to appear dark and foreboding. When Sylvia is "on the job", she must harden her heart and convince herself that she is truly doing what is right so she may get the job done. On a normal day, when Sylvia is taking a break from her job, she is training, showing her ambition to constantly improve herself. In practicallity, Sylvia knows that she can seldom embrace her nature of being kind, but she finds solace in the fact that she may express herself through her righteous fury, and turn kindness into what she convinces herself is good. However, she longs to be herself. She is highly ambitious and once she's set a path for herself, she'll stick to it, no matter what the cost.

Opinions of her work: A bounty hunter is not exactly Sylvia's job of choice, though she doesn't hate it. She has become a bounty hunter because she can find nothing else that suits her talents and pays well. She believes that all wrongdoers should be brought to justice. When hunting, she will do whatever she can to avoid killing her bounties. She knows that crimes like murder deserve death, but her own morals are against her doing the killing. She will if she must, but she prefers not to.

Opinions of religion: Sylvia was brought up to believe that all religion is rubbish, odd for one who was brought up with an elven background. The reason for this, is that, after her father's death, her mother lost faith in all of the gods. She continued to wonder why they would take her love from her, and she could not believe that the gods she had come to worship would ever do such a thing. She had great confusion over this for some time. She eventually formed the conclusion that they didn't exist. Instead of risking the fact that Sylvia would become broken in the same way, she raised neglected to raise her with religion of any kind. She has formed her own ideals that the world just simply is, some things go beyond out understanding, and one should not question these things. She does not take too kindly to anyone trying to force their religion on her and will promptly walk away, or tune them out.

Opinions of music: Sylvia enjoys stopping at numerous taverns to listen to music. Sylvia particularly enjoys to listen to songs of a soft flowing nature. She feels they describe life to her. Life continues to flow on and on, awing many with its numerous changes and beauties before it comes to either a gentle, or a loud, spectacular end. She will gladly pay any bard a fair price to play such a tune.

Opinions of magic: Sylvia has always been interested in magic, but has never been given the opportunity to learn it. She finds it very fascinating and understands its potential to be used for good. She plans to eventually attend the academy at Ximax one day to quench her curiosity. If she studied magic, and she found a way to make a living with this talent, she would abandon her job as a bounty hunter and pursue a career that allows her to express her true nature.

Morals: Sylvia has a strong dislike for killing, but she will if she must and will not sacrifice her own life for the sake of her morals. She would also not normally sacrifice her own life for anyone but her mother, Ilarol, or Mesa. She is not above using her feminine charm to gain information. She sees no harm in this. After all, who is really getting robbed? She displays her looks and they give her all the information she wants. She will steal for survival if necessary, but she prefers to make an honest living.

Opinion on people: Sylvia does not like to kill humanoid creatures such as: elves, humans, dwarves, gnomes, hobbits, and the like. However, she has no qulams about killing the mor beast-like creatures of Caelreth, such as: orcs, trolls, ogres, and the like. She simply cannot apply them to people in her own mind, and rather thinks of them as animals. She prefers to only interact with humanoid creatures to gain information or if they are friends of hers.

Strengths:
Sylvia is light, agile, and quick: Sylvia isn't very large, and may even be called small, which she uses to her advantage. She can easily dodge attacks made by slower opponents, and can hold her own with the quick ones. What she lacks in power, she makes up for in speed. She is usually one step ahead of her opponents and can often land two blows in the time it takes them to land one.

Common Sense: Even though Sylvia isn't very "book smart", she has brains in the areas of common sense. She can think on her feet effectively and can generally outwit her enemies with only slight difficulty. She usually knows what to do in a spontaneous situation and leaves her enemies bewildered and confused. They never seem to know what hit them.

Double Kilij: These twin swords are helpful weapons to Sylvia. She has painted them nor'sidian so she can sneak up on her opponents at night. She uses the fact that they are are twin blades to her advantage. She can block with one of the blades, and strike with the other blade. She has developed her own unique fighting style with the blades, making them a blur before she strikes her finishing blow. Her preferred method of killing is to slice the opponents with both blades in the form of an X. With these weapons, close combat is made easy.    

Cooran'loh: These small blades attached to the inside of her boots can be a life saver in sticky situations. If an enemy lands a blow on her and she gets knocked down, she simply has to click her boots together and they spring out, allowing her to land some effective surprise attacks on the unsuspecting enemies who think they've won.

Ilarol Vir: Ilarol Vir, her beloved Mithral wolf, aids her in tracking bounties with his sharp sense of smell and accute night vision. He can also help in a fight to create a diversion for Sylvia so she can strike against her opponents and end fights quickly. He also can hunt for the both of them, saving Sylvia money in not having to buy food.

Mesa: Mesa is Sylvia's riding horse. She allows Sylvia to travel much faster than if she were on foot. She also allows Sylvia to bring along more items by carrying them in her saddle bags.

Weaknesses:
Curse: Sylvia has been cursed by an evil mage whom was her bounty. It was difficult, but she took him down, and got a hefty reward. But, that reward came with a price. Moments before he died, he placed a curse on Sylvia. The physical appearance of this curse is the Cy'hallowian snow lock of hair that Sylvia posses. Whenever the curse is in effect, the lock of hair glows brightly. The effect of this curse is a horrible burning throughout her entire body and she becomes incapacitated during this time. This curse takes effect whenever she goes through her moon cycle. The spells of burning are incredibly random and can last up to ten minutes.She has made finding a mage powerful enough to undo the curse a top priority on her agenda.

Horrible lying/diplomacy skills: Sylvia cannot tell a lie. You might think it's because she's an honest person. Well then you're horribly wrong. Sylvia simply is a horrible liar. She cannot keep a straight face and is usually an open book to most people. Needless to say, one of the most valuable weapons to a bounty hunter, deception, is beyond her. Sylvia also cannot talk her way out of a situation, or settle a difference with words. This constantly becomes a problem to Sylvia and she is forced to use violence and force. She must constantly be on the lookout for people looking to cause trouble, for she prefers to avoid them. This makes her restless, which brings us to our next weakness: paranoia.

Paranoia: Sylvia has fought many enemies and much of the time the fight is brought to her. This makes her paranoid to the point of waking up constantly in the middle of the night and flinching at every noise she hears in the woods or on the road. She doesn't trust many people and it is difficult for her to accept anyone new into her circle of trust. Because of her distrust, she is not very social, which makes gathering information on her her bounties difficult, and she typically has very few allies she can rely on without question.

Temper: Sylvia is fiery by nature and has a horrible temper. In a fight, if her temper rises, her judgment can become clouded. If her enemies can get a rise out of her, they can easily gain an advantage. It's not hard to get a rise out of her. If you insult her pride or her friends, harm her or her friends, or question her honor, it will set her off like a stick of dynamite. Because of her temper, Sylvia tends to have a sharp tongue, and it can cause the breaking of a deal with one of her clients.

Guilt: Sylvia usually goes for criminals who have comitted serious crimes (i.e. murder) and therefore, most of the time are wanted dead or alive. Sylvia usually cannot capture these people because they are dangerous, and usually must kill them. She hardens her heart before every fight, convincing herself that what she is doing is right and these criminals don't deserve to live. However, Sylvia knows she is lying to herself and feels great guilt after taking a life. She does not show it outwardly and prefers to keep it bottled up. This eats away at her and will affect her health, mental and physical, to the point where she will find an inn and sob in her room for days. She is also more prone to an illness because of this.


History: Nilvard Osgood, a man with a short, small build and an even shorter temper, was walking through the Auturian woods, hunting for him and his mother. His short cropped Nor'sidian hair, uncommon for his tribe the Avennorians, ruffling minutely in the wind, he stopped walking to rub his xazure eyes. The man had been tracking what he judged to be a doe for some time now. He spotted her from the underbrush and she was nibbling on some small patches of grass. The peasant took aim at the doe with his small hunting bow, his hand shaking because he was only of low class and had no experience with a bow. He was forced to hunt for himself and his mother because they were very poor. He shot and was off by several feet. The doe became startled and fled. Nilvard cursed loudly and plopped down on his butt and put his face in his hands. He lifted his face up quickly when he heard a snarl not too far away. He stood up and drew his small kitchen knife and glanced around shiftily. From out of the bushes came a pack of six wolves, quickly surrounding him in the small clearing he was in.

Nilvard began trembling as the pack slowly circled him, the knife falling from his hands. When the wolves began to slowly advance on him, a feminine figure wearing wood-colored clothing jumped down from the top of a surrounding tree. Fenan Palinor, an elf from the tribe of Tethinrhim who was also hunting for her family, turns to face Arthur and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Nilvard is too stunned to speak and just stood there gawking at her. He has never seen someone so beautiful with her auburn hair, hazel eyes, and sharp features, he had eyes for her since that moment."Never mind." She said annoyed. She drew her double kilij and took a protective stance over the frightened man. The largest wolf that looked like the leader lunged at them. With one sweep of the sword in her right hand the wolf was downed. With one last snarl the the remaining wolves fled now that their leader had been killed.

Fenan turned to him with a grin on her face and was about to say something but she froze with a look of astonishment on her face. Never had she seen such beautiful eyes in her own tribe while looking into his pools of seemingly liquid magic. He in turn, was spellbound by her. They sat there and stared at each other for what seemed like was hours but was actually five minutes before they realised what they were doing. Nilvard turned away quickly and blushed and Fenan simply continued to stare with an amused expression on her face. Her hand unconsciously touched his as they sat down and began talking. He didn't seem to mind at all. He found out that she aspired to be of warrior class in her tribe. Nilvard had no doubt in his mind that she would be some day. When she asked him about his life he was reluctant to tell her about his financial troubles but he found it impossible to lie to her while staring at those eyes and eventually told her. She felt sympathy for him and pulled out two squirrels that she had killed for food and gave them to him.

Nilvard could only stare at her with fierce gratitude. Her grin just grew larger and only then did she notice her hand was on his. Strangely, she made no move to remove it. They continued talking and found it interesting how different their cultures were. Both felt the connection blossoming between them. After all, nothing bonds two people than a near-death experience. As the sun sank lower on the horizon, they decided it was to time to head to their respective homes. Fenan walked Nilvard to his horse some miles away and he did not object. When he reached his chestnut horse he packed away the squirrels that Fenan had given him and turned to face her. He offered her his hand and she shook it. When he tried to release her hand, she leaned forward and kissed him then took off running, a small smile on her face. Nilvard was stunned for a moment but quickly snapped out of it. He mounted up with a smile similar to Fenan's and began the journey home. They both know they'd see the other again.

Nilvard continued to visit Fenan in the forest and their bond grew evermore stronger beyond the point of friendship so it was not surprising when Fenan became pregnant. They were both overjoyed but also scared because the head of Fenan's village would not approve of such a happening. They planned a secret wedding and only Nilvard's mother, Miriam, and Fenan's brother Svendel would be attending. On one particular day Arthur and Fenan were supposed to meet in secret to plan for the wedding. As Fenan approached their secret meeting spot she smelled blood. She quickly drew her double kilij for protection and crept towards the place they had first met. When she got their she dropped her double kilij in shock. Lying there was Nilvard covered in blood next to to equally covered wolves. She ran over to him as tears streamed from her eyes. She knelt beside him and felt his pulse. He was nearly gone and there was nothing she could do. He opened his eyes and gave her a weak smile and then scrunched them up in pain and grimaced.

The pained man opened them again attempted weakly to lift his hand. She noticed something in his hand and took it. It was a white crescent-shaped pedant. He point to her stomach and she understood immediately. It was for her baby, their baby. She just nodded and he mouthed I love you. She just cried harder as he closed his eyes and his breathing stopped. She stayed there for hours crying and screaming for him to come back. Never had she felt such despair. It was like part of her, no half of her had just died. She wanted to die herself. Then she remembered that her life was not the only one dependent on her well-being. With great difficulty, she returned home. She was ridden with grief for days but she showed great strength in keeping it together for her daughter.

Four months later she gave birth to a little girl and named her Sylvia, Sylvia Palinor. She named her the name Nilvard had wanted for her in memory of him. That night, under the full moon, Fenan placed the necklace Arthur made for her around Sylvia's neck. Sylvia was kept secret for three months until Fenan thought it was time she faced her tribe. The Tethinrhim leader did not take to kindly to a half-elf living within his tribe. After much persuasion and begging from his mate, he agreed to allow her to remain with the Tethinrhim. However he refused to have her soul name tattoed on her person. However the spiritual leader of the tribe agreed to do a reading in secret forth knowledge of the soul belongs to all.

As Sylvia grew older she did not get along well with other elven children because was easily noticeable she was different with her Nor'sidian hair and her ears that were not nearly as pointed as the other children's. It grew so bad she was starting to get death threats so her mother decided to keep her at home. when she was eighteen, her mother began training her in swordsmanship. She started off with wooden swords then after a month of training, she gave Sylvia her double kilij. Fenan also gave her her cooran'loh and spent many months training her how to balance while using them to attack.

When Sylvia was thirty years old she set off to find her calling in the world. One day, as she was walking in the wood, Sylvia heard whimpering. She set off to find the source. In some underbrush, she found an injured mithral wolf. She stayed with him in that area for a few weeks until her was healed. He wouldn't stop following her once he was better so she decided to bring him with her and named him Ilarol Vir. She found it fairly easy to train him to follow simple commands and he even hunted for the both of them. On the third day that they had been traveling, Sylvia was attacked by a man with a black mask who looked like an executioner. He wielded a large broad sword. Ilarol Vir, sensing his Mistress was in danger immediately attacked the man, scratching and biting him. This distracted the man long enough that Sylvia recovered and drew her double kilij. She commanded her beloved wolf to stand down. This was her fight and she didn't want him to get hurt.

They clashed for what seemed like ages but Sylvia was clearly the better swordsman. It seemed like she would win but the masked man had other plans. He blocked a double slash from her and took advantage of the opening she left by kicking her to the ground. He thought he'd won. He was dead wrong. Sylvia clicked her boots together, activating her cooran'loh. She skillfully balanced on her hands as she stabbed his arm. He cried out in pain but Sylvia wasn't done yet. She pushed off of the ground with some effort and spun in the air while at the same time she was cutting him. He staggered backwards in a daze. Sylvia landed lightly on her hands again and did a flip, stabbing his heart and puncturing his lung, killing him.

Some guards who had been patrolling the area from the nearby city of Marcogg burst through the bushes to the road she was on. They took one glance at Sylvia, one glance at the now dead masked man, and one glance at each other before the man who appeared to be the leader pulled out a medium sized pouch, and tossed it to Sylvia. Sylvia, who had now sheathed her double kilij and deactivated her cooran'loh, caught it with ease. When she opened it she found gold and they quickly explained that it was for the bounty and she decided that was her calling in the world, to punish those who committed crime. Getting paid for it was a bonus.

The guards politely escorted her to the nearby city of Marcogg and paid for her room at an inn. As they left they tipped their hats to her and one even winked at her. She sent him a glare and turned to the rest and smiled while thanking them. They departed immediately and Sylvia decided to look around for awhile. She came across a merchant selling a Koroch Fey Mol horse. She added her to her plan to become a bounty hunter, thinking she would need her to travel swiftly. She named her Mesa and decided to set off the following day to hunt a bounty she had discovered while eavesdropping on two guards who were standing in front of a bounty hunter. He was known for being an evil mage and has a record of many serious crimes and misdemeanors ranging from murder to petty thievery. She headed back to her room for the rest of the day deciding that she would need all of her stamina for this hunt.

The following morning, Sylvia set out from Marcogg in search of Elrid the Terrible. She had no leads so she decided to travel until she reached a village. One week later, Sylvia stopped at a small village and began to ask around. Most people were very uncooperative, but she ran into a fragile old woman whose leg had been burned by dark magic. Sylvia had Ilarol Vir get the scent of it so they could track Elrid down. Sylvia thanked the old woman and quickly left on Mesa, letting Ilarol lead the way.

Sylvia found him four days later, sitting by a fire at night. She kept a distance of one hundred peds and tethered Mesa to a tree and whispered in her ear to stay quiet. Mesa, being a highly intelligent horse, obeyed. Sylvia then instructed Ilarol Vir to stay put and guard Mesa. She then crept silently toward the camp the evil mage had made. Sylvia now squatted in the bushes surrounding his camp. She quickly thought of a way to catch him unawares as to avoid him using any spells against her. She quickly pulled padding from her bag and silently strapped them to her feet. Next, she drew her double kilij and locked them together into one sword. With her other hand, she grabbed a rock and lobbed it to the opposite side of the circle of bushes, creating noise.

Elrid quickly stood and went to inspect the disturbance. He now had his back to her. Sylvia charged out of the bushes behind him, the padding silencing her steps. With one swift motion, she beheaded him. As he fell to ground dead, a horrible burning sensation spread throughout her entire person. She woke up ten minutes later with memories of the horrible burning and a lock of purely white hair. A mark of a curse. She stood up and collected the head of Elrid, wrapping it in cloth. She went and found Mesa asleep and Ilarol still standing his watch over her in his defensive stance. Sylvia mounted Mesa and gave the command for Ilarol to follow.

On her journey back to Marcogg, Sylvia stopped at an inn to relax for a bit. She walked over to the bar to order a drink. She noticed, as she walked, how the men sitting at the tables stared at her. She noted what pigs men could be, especially when drunk. She noticed a bard sitting in the corner, looking depressed. Clearly, tipping had been rather scarce. She took a detour from the bar and decided to pay the lonely woman a visit. She took out ten sans, and tossed them into the sack at the bard's feet. She asked the bard to play something that she would like. The bard, whose name was Judith, launched into a soft, flowing melody. She knew Sylvia would be entranced, for she was a good judge of character, and could read Sylvia easily.

Sylvia immediately dropped five more sans into the sack. She immediately fell in love with this form of music, and sat there for about an hour, listening to Judith play. She made it a regular habit to stop at other inns that she might come across in her travels. She spent the night at the inn, having paid the bard well by the end of the night. The following morning, she found that the bard had left already, so she decided to continue on with her trek to Marcogg.

Two weeks later Sylvia arrived back in Marcogg and collected her reward. Sylvia still hunts bounties to this day and has made a name for herself as the bane of wrongdoers.

Weapons:
Double Kilij: Sylvia wears her double kilij a inside of leather casing in the shape of an X. They are painted nor'sidian for stealth and are sharpened daily by Sylvia as they are a gift from her mother and are well cared for by her. The hilts were specifically fitted for Sylvia by her mother, allowing her to reach her full potential. These are her main weapons in combat and she has fairly decent skill with them. She likes these twin swords because of their convenient ability to attack and defend simultaneously.

Fighting style: Sylvia has developed her own unique fighting style. It is divided into two forms.

Dance of the Moon: This is the first fighting form that Sylvia will use when fighting a large group. It is a defensive form in which Sylvia will have her swords crossed like an X, and her legs are spread shoulder width. It derives it's name from the way Sylvia will stay in a circular area with a circumference of approximately five fores. This helps her establish a dominance in a fight, letting her control the enviornment, while she defends against a number of attacks while waiting for an opening to strike.

Dance of Burning Fury: This is the second fighting form Sylvia uses in one-on-one fights. It is an offensive form in which Sylvia holds her swords together in the shape of a triangle. It derives it's name from the way Sylvia will attack relentlessly and aggressively while returning to the triangular position after every attack to block. This givves her opponents very little room to make an attack so Sylvia may establish a dominance over her opponent in controlling most of their movements. It's name is also derived from the way this particular way of attack works better if Sylvia is slightly angry. If she becomes too angry, she may make a mistake and she works relentlessly to keep her temper under wraps with little success.

Cooran'loh: These small twin blades are attached to Sylvia's boots on the inside and pop in and out easily. These are similarly cared for as the Sylvia's double kilij and are also a gift from her mother. These weapons are used as a last resort and she has decent skill with them but it has become more difficult to use them since she has been cursed. She likes these weapons because they can save her life at times by using the element of surprise.

Fighting style: Sylvia uses her cooran'loh in a series of flips, spinning and stabbing motions to render her opponents incapacitated. She is not skilled as well with this weapon as she is with the double kilij.

Belongings:
Double Kilij
Two spare outfits identical to her current clothing
Crescent moon pendant
Water skins
Supplies for horse care
Cloth
Cooking materials
Outdoor bedding
Saddle
Saddle bags
Emergency rations
Maps of Santharia
Money bag
2 coils of rope



Familiars:

Name: Ilarol Vir

Age: 5(Acquired at age 52 when he was 2 years old.)

Gender: Male

Breed: Mithral Wolf

Appearance: Ilarol Vir stands at two fores and two palmspans high, is one ped and three fores long, including his tail, and weighs one pygge and one heb. Most of his height is in his graceful legs which allow him to run swiftly. He has a pelt that sparkles in the moonlight, being the color of Barsadusk. He has a streak of Ithild running down his back and spots of the same color on his sides. His mask is of the same color as is the tip of his tail. He has black rings surrounding his Uderza blue eyes, giving him the impression of heavily applied eyeliner. His legs, along with his underbelly are Cy'hallowian snow. The inside of his ears are Mercoral, which are shaped like isosceles triangles with rounded tips.

Personality/Temperament: Ilarol is friendly only to Sylvia, and is highly distrusting of any others. He is boundlessly loyal to Sylvia alone and will trust only her and respond only to her commands. He is highly intelligent and crafty. By nature he is cold but he is warm for Sylvia for caring for him in the forest.


Name: Mesa

Age: 7(Acquired at age 52 when she was 4 years old.)

Gender: Female

Breed: Koroch-fey-Mologh horse.

Appearance: Mesa stands at 13.5 hands and weighs one pygge, eight hebs, one od, and four mut. Her coat is Nor'sidian, as are her rather large intelligent eyes. She has a long mane and her pelt gives off a shine in the right light.

Personality/Temperament:
Mesa has grown attached to Sylvia over the years and is quite fond of her. She is not very brave and will run from trouble the first chance she gets. She is intelligent and understands most of what Sylvia attempts to convey to her. She is not very clever or crafty and is kind to most people.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: fionn on July 11, 2009, 11:41:43 PM
Hi Sylvia, welcome to the dream!
This is a good start, but I've a few protocal points that you'll need to change to encourage commentors, who are a workshy bunch as much as we are nosey. :grin:

firstly, the icon next to your topic title (click on the "modify button at the top of your post, then use the scroll-down menu next to where it says "message icon") should be set to "work in progress". once you've got it all sorted and want more comments, switch to "comments welcome", and we will swarm around your CD like hungry fishes.

also, I noticed your display name isn't quite the same as what it says in the title of your CD. You can change it by following these instructions: http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?page=20 (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?page=20)

Thirdly, I couldn't see a tribe in your CD. That might be my obtuseness, (is that a word?) but if not, then you really need to pick one, maybe two if you want to be a half-elf, though i'm guessing the most important would be the one you grew up with. we have lots of interesting and weird tribes in the compendium. the double row of picture icons to the left is your gateway to our truly massive compendium of Santharia-ness, and you'll find the tribes listed under races, which is the attractive guy with green skin. if you want a militaristic ef race, i'd go for maybe something like eophyrhim, who tend to be quite weapons-orientated. but read through a few entries, and see what you like. :grin:

if you've any questions, feel free to ask on the questions forum, on this thread, or by pm. :grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 03:59:29 AM
 :D :DThankyou so much! this is my first time on here so i felt lost. u helped a lot! Can u put your character into magical training later on?


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 12, 2009, 04:41:44 AM
Hey Sylvia. I have a couple of things real quick.

1) The formatting of your CD needs to be fixed. The alignment is really off and makes it difficult to read.

2) Your display name only needs to be your characters Name. In this case it would be Sylvia Palinor. Nothing special needed.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 05:05:22 AM
Thankyou! :D Is it fixed and if not could you tell me how to fix it properly?


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 12, 2009, 07:29:35 AM
Remove all the spaces or tabs or whatever you have before the sections. It's pushing it over to the right and it's a headache to read, as Kalina said.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 07:39:04 AM
Better? if so can a moderator approve me soon?


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 12, 2009, 07:40:59 AM
I had fixed it for you, and with my comments which are in the works, it will show you how it should look. Not complicated at all.



Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 07:43:08 AM
pardon? i ddnt understand your comment... :cry: is it okay now or improvement needed?


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 12, 2009, 07:44:16 AM
No, it isn't right. I had fixed it for you, but it has been changed. I am writing up some detailed comments for you, in which the format is correct.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 07:46:10 AM
okay thankyou ill stand by


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 12, 2009, 08:06:05 AM
Hello Sylvia. I am back and this time with some thorough comments. They will all be in red.

Name: Sylvia Palinor
                                               
Age: 24 Did you double check this in the Elven Aging Calculator (http://aocrpginfo.awardspace.com/EAC/services/elven_aging_conversion.htm)? If not, please do so.

Gender: Female

Race: Human/Elf Crossbreed

Tribes: Human unknown; Elf Aellenrhim - Just because your character may not know her heritage, doesn't mean you (the author) is in the dark as well. Please find a suitable tribe for her human side. Also, keep in mind you will need a good explanation as to how her parents created her.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title:

Overview: A combatant half-elf that is a bounty hunter and is very beautiful and has a great personality.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 90 lb Please use the Measures Converter (http://www.santharia.com/services/measures_converter.htm) for your weight as well.

Eye Color: Korwyn Gold

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with a cy'hallowian snow lock in the front.


*Skin Color: Lyth'be pollen

Dress: Nor'Sidian leggings, tunic, and boots.

Features: Slightly pointed ears, white teeth, half-full lips, sharp nose, Very graceful and strong build and moderately curvy, a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead, very slightly slanted eyes, and a warm smile.*

Everything between the asterisks should be in a section we call "Appearance". You can research the proper guide for Character Creation here (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?page=12). Feel free to break up your Clothing and Physical Appearance into different sections for details sake.

Personality:

Strengths: Very light and agile which makes swordplay easy for her, very stealthy, has accuracy with her bow, very caring and kindhearted but is also serious and does her job without hesitation.

Weaknesses: She lacks strength and raw power, a terrible diplomat, and very impulsive and headstrong.

You will want to list each Strength and Weakness separately and give a short explanation as to how it affects your character. Strength/Advantage: How it is a positive aspect to your character. Weakness/Disadvantage: How it is a negative aspect to your character.

Diet: vegetarian

History: She was conceived when humans raided her mother's elven village. Her father raped her mother and left her pregnant. Her mother trained her in the art of combat since birth. She lived with her mother since age 15 then she began travel. On the road she found her first bounty when he attacked her. She killed him and some soldiers saw what she did. they gave her her reward and that's how she found her occupation. That is where she is today: still collecting bounties.

The World of Caelereth is currently at peace, so raids will be rare, especially between two races who get along decently. Also, the way you have explained it, your character was being trained the moment she left the womb. I am quite positive you didn't mean with weapons, so explaining how her mother taught her to be a warrior from that age would be fantastic. Also, where did her mother learn such a craft? And if she was trained, why did she not fight off the human raiders? There are too many inconsistencies with this history which need to be more closely thought through and researched.

Familiar:  Fujin Wildcat and a small message bird. How did she obtain each of these animals? And you will want to explain how in your history.



Weapons: A moonblade(reason: An elven enchanter enchanted the blade to choose the one with The Mark which is the birthmark on her forehead. The enchantress said " If you do not wield this blade surely your life shall come to an early grave." End reason) a yew bow with many steel arrows and 1 mithril arrow that may only be used once that was a gift from her mother, and Steel knuckles.

I'm sorry, but I cannot accept that explanation for a moonblade. Also, any weapons you know how to use, need to be listed individually as a strength. You are comparing yourself to the average peasant, who don't have any formal training in any weapons. Your training with each weapon should also be explained in your history. What is the purpose of the mithril arrow? Also, we have our own trees/wood, so look around a bit for a good bow wood on the main site.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 10:10:39 AM
Okay :D much better now i think so comment as you wish!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Hale chinchilla Cambush on July 12, 2009, 10:30:18 AM
hi i like what you have done so far but if i might just say one thing, you might like to think about breaking up your history as it is all one big word wall, and a little intimidating to most just a thought  :grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 10:34:06 AM
Thanks yours looks pretty good too


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Hale chinchilla Cambush on July 12, 2009, 10:40:14 AM
('blushes') oh shucks :shocked:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on July 12, 2009, 10:41:12 AM
Please make sure you colour your changes, Sylvia.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 10:43:05 AM
*laughs*


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on July 12, 2009, 10:48:35 AM
Subject line should be Name/Tribe/Occupation.. no more, no less.. in your case.. less.. pick one of the occupations, as it is too long now. :D and add your tribe


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 12, 2009, 10:51:22 AM
kk ty and hilarious sig btw


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 12, 2009, 12:01:18 PM
Archer, in case you choose that particular occupation to list up there, is spelt with an r


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 13, 2009, 12:10:04 AM
Ok, I have updated my CD and all changes are in green. I hope all is satisfactory.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Irid alMenie on July 13, 2009, 12:45:08 AM
Please use full sentences when describing your character's appearance and personality, and explain all your strengths and weaknesses in two to three sentences.

Also, at the moment you're quite unbalanced:

For a 24-year-old halfelf (which basically means that she's still a teenager) you have her be good at

Light and agile, 'deadly' accurate with a bow, stealthy, mature, double kilij, ephord, steel knuckles, dojmo brawling

which is supposed to be balanced by

Lacks strength, can't talk her way out of difficult situations, can't lie, headstrong and impulsive

That's not three, not four, but FIVE different fighting styles which she apparently learned within the first few years of her life. Also, two of her weaknesses are just as likely to be strengths (the headstrong and impulsive weaknesses).

Please can I ask you to tone down a little on the strengths (or a lot). My advice would be to lose the Dojmo brawling, which is a style of fighting native to only one tribe and very difficult to find someone of that tribe willing to teach you, keep yourself to one (at most two, but even that is a stretch) weapon, and add some weaknesses.

I'm sorry if my comments seem harsh but it's only to help you - nobody likes an unstoppable warrior in RPs :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 13, 2009, 03:46:38 AM
ok but here is my argument: A bounty hunter needs to have mastered several different fighting styles to be good at their job. I will probably remove the Doimo brawling and the Ephord...maybe hv her pick 1 up later on....u hv a point though Doimo and Ephord are out. maybe add another weakness? how about is easily fooled? i think that makes it more balance. THANKS! :D


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on July 13, 2009, 03:55:48 AM
Well, you don't to have mastered a ton of different fighting styles. Personally, I think if you have mastered one, truly mastered, then you wouldn't need the other ones at all. Also, easily fooled doesn't really balance you out that much. I'd suggest something a bit more weakening, say, a physical aliment or even a mental illness (paranoia or hysteria for example). Just a thought.
Also, could you please not shorten words to letters. I noticed you say hv instead of have and u instead of you. Just take the little extra time it takes and your point will come across more clearly.
There's my two sans.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Thodin Coldflame Lomin on July 13, 2009, 04:04:15 AM
Can I suggest making your CD a lot longer? Also you need more detail, a lot more detail. Just a heads up, it'll be hard to get your character approved without showing a lot of detail.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 13, 2009, 05:02:12 AM
Ok I think I toned her down a good amount. I made her weaknesses more potent. Also I did take out her Doimo brawling and the Ephord. Tell me what more i need to do please. Also I think the detail is fine but thats my opinion. I covered the main points I think and that's mostly what matters I think.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Thorin Broadfist on July 13, 2009, 05:11:13 AM
It's definitely better than it was before, but for details, you can almost never have enough. Yes, you have covered the main points, but we want to know about the sub-points and sub-sub-points. You already know what your character is, we don't really, and more details allow us to. (If that makes any sense at all >.<)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 13, 2009, 05:29:01 AM
Ok I'll work on the appearance and the history so you get a better picture. I really am a great writer, not to be conceited, but I'm just being lazy. I'll use more detail


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Acher/Swordswoman/Hand-to-hand Combat Specialist
Post by: Mathis Mallister on July 13, 2009, 08:47:13 AM
2) Your display name only needs to be your characters Name. In this case it would be Sylvia Palinor. Nothing special needed.

Hint hint: you need to remove the underscore from your name :P

Profile > Account Related Settings > Name


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 14, 2009, 12:05:20 AM
Modifications made open to comments so give when you feel like. Thanks!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 14, 2009, 01:33:38 AM
You will want to break up the wall of text in your history.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 14, 2009, 03:54:16 AM
OK I hope have met all qualifications. Thankyou to everyone who has helped me. If I create a new character I`ll know exactly what to do. Sylvia: New character? WHAT!? I thought You liked me? *Draws double kilij* Me: I do! You`re my favorite 'cause you`re the first ^^. Sylvia: *Sheathes them* ok :). Me: *Takes a step away from Sylvia.

Ok thankyou and let me know if anything is wrong! :D


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 14, 2009, 03:56:21 AM
Edit: Problem solved. Laptop screen getting in the way. I'll have a check of this up later.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 15, 2009, 07:00:34 AM
Hey its sylvia, I haven't gotten a comment in about 24 hours so if you could comment that would be great. Hoping that a CD mod. will approve me soon.


Sylvia


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 15, 2009, 07:05:47 AM
Three days.

Three days is how long you will have to wait before you can start actively trolling for comments. It's a rule.
There are CDs other  than your own, and only so many moderators, mini-moderators and commenters to go around.
So: Have some patience. Go read a book.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 15, 2009, 07:58:25 AM
Lol I actually read at least 1 a day but ok. :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on July 15, 2009, 08:21:52 AM
Lol I actually read at least 1 a day but ok. :)

Can you please provide a reference as to where you saw that? Because if it is posted somewhere it is a mistake, and I'm sure that the mods and admin would like to fix it.

Valan is correct when he says that the time to wait is three days, Sylvia. I refer you to the following extract from a post made by Kalina in the Character Descriptions in Waiting (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?topic=6911.msg260850#msg260850) thread:


PLEASE!

If it has been more than 3 days, then it is appropriate to post here. If your CD has received comments or has just been posted within the last 24 hours, there is no need to post here as it make take a few hours for someone to actually post a comment. Patience is an excellent virtue we love to practice here.


In any case, please practice a bit more patience when waiting for more comments ... three days is all we ask.

Thanks


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 15, 2009, 09:57:15 AM
Name: Sylvia Palinor
            
Age: 35

Gender: Female

Race: Half-Elf

Tribes: Elf Aellenrhim; Human Kanapan

Overview: A combatant half-elf that is a bounty hunter and is very beautiful and has a great personality. Ok. Couple things here. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because you say she is beautiful, doesn't mean people actually believe it. Write the physical appearance and personality, then allow those who role play with you to make their own decision on the matter. Same applies to the personality. Next, is there nothing you can explain to use about her besides these three vague points? Nothing indepth giving us a clue as to who she is? Just a thought.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: Quick Sylvar the Huntress I am not sure what you are trying to imply with this title. Yes, it is a play on words, but I am not sure it is implying what you think it is.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 8 Hebs, 1 Od, and 7 Mut

You are currently 5'5" and approximately 90lbs. This is unhealthy. The lightest you would probably consider being for a female would be 100-110lbs. If not a little more. This allows you to be healthy in appearance and toned, without being round or overweight.

Eye Color: Korwyn Gold

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with 1 cy'hallowian snow lock in the front.

Appearance: Lyth'be pollen skin, slightly pointed ears, white teeth, half-full lips, sharp nose, very graceful and strong build and moderately curvy, a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead, very slightly slanted eyes, and a warm smile.

One thing which will help with adding detail, is using complete sentences. (I.E. Sylvia has skin the color of lyth'be pollen.) Things like the example I gave. Also, use some other descriptive words besides "very" or "slightly". A thesaurus is your friend and you may be surprised with the type of words you can use to describe different facial and body features.

Dress: Nor'sidian leggings, tunic, and boots. She wears her double kilij like an X on her back in leather scabbards. She places her bow strapped to the scabbards horizontally with the string facing down. She straps her quiver to a belt she wears like a sash on her left side. She is left-handed. She wears her brass knuckles at all times. She has painted all of her weapons black for stealth. She wears a white crescent moon pendant around her neck which she conceals whenever she has a job.

Create a separate section toward the bottom of your CD for your weapons and their descriptions. The clothing section is meant for you to describe the clothing, not the positioning of the weapons. What kind of cloth are the clothes made from? Do they have any designs? How do they fit: Loose, tight, etc?

Personality: Very playful and sarcastic, but can be serious when the need arrises. Very kind-hearted and caring, but does not hesitate to kill if the act is justified. Can be a bit cocky at times and is very witty and intelligent. Even though she is intelligent, she is very impulsive, headstrong, and slightly arrogant.

Plenty of mild contradictions. I find it helps to separate the personality by circumstance. Say, first explain how she is socially then when she is doing business. Examples help with this as well and going more in depth about why and how helps as well.


I will leave it at that for now. Gives you plenty to work on.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 16, 2009, 10:37:00 AM
Updates finished. Comment when you feel like it.

Sylvia :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on July 16, 2009, 02:55:27 PM
Lol I actually read at least 1 a day but ok. :)

Sylvia,

I think I may have misunderstood what you were meaning when you posted the above.

Were you meaning that you saw somewhere on the site here that you could ask for comments after 1 day had passed?

Or

Were you meaning that you already read 1 book a day in response to Valan's comment to you?

I thought you were meaning the first of these.
If you meant the second of them, please accept my apologies for my response to you.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 17, 2009, 10:13:33 AM
Oh it's ok it was about the book. I was confused as well. I accept your apology but I didn't think I deserved one after being so impatient about comments. I just got excited and I apologize.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 17, 2009, 11:56:58 AM
Sylvia: My comments, such as they are will be in yellow

Name: Sylvia Palinor
                                                                                                                                                              remove garbage spaces hereAge: 35

Gender: Female

Race: Human/Elf We tend to use "Half-Elf" in these cases.

Tribes: Elf Aellenrhim; Human Kanapan You might not be aware, but the Kanapan men live a rather long way away from the Aellenrhim. You might want to consider a more local tribe, like the Cenotaurians or the Helcrani.

Overview: A Human/Elf The term is "Half-Elf" neighbour who is outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing Nor'sidian hair with one cy'hallowian snow lock with a strong, lithe build. She is fairly skilled with three weapons: brass knuckles, double kilij, and an oak bow. She dresses in all black clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant tied to string around her neck made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and is consistently haunted by the ghost that is not knowing her father.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: The Fiery Huntress.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 pygge, 4 ods, and 3 mut

Eye Color: Korwyn Gold Neither of your parent tribes are known for having these eyes Sylvia. It's not a normal colour in either of them.

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with 1 cy'hallowian snow remove space
lock in the front.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of lyth'be pollen, imperceptibly pointed ears, glistening white teeth, half-full lips, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build. She moderately curvy and is fairly lithe. She has a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead and a warm smile.  Now, you seem to only be taking advantage of one of your parent tribes here. The Kanapans are actually a little on the darker side. In comparing them to folks from Earth, you might think of them as african in terms of colouration. You probably shouldn't be ignoring the other half of your heritage here.

Dress: She wears a tunic, leggings, and boots, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down, are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from polyester, and fit not too loosely or tightly as not to affect her in combat, and are light. Polyester is a synthetic fabric, something Santharia does not have at this point. No polyester, please fix this.

Personality: When Sylvia has her guard down as low as it gets, which only happens around her friends, she opens up. She shows that she is very playful, sarcastic and has a great sense of humor. She is very kind to her friends but a lot of it is forced because she is a cold person by nature, though she does care for her friends. She has a soft spot for Naila and Tulu, who were her first friends. When Sylvia is doing her job, it is a different story. When she negotiates for some bounties, she is very brosque and has little patience. She has very sharp tongue when her temper rises which can sometimes instill fear to work for benefit, or backfire and get her into trouble. When she hunts she embraces her true nature: she shows no sympathy or mercy. Killing her bounties has little to no affect on her, because she reasons:They most likely did something wrong or there wouldn't be a bounty on them.

Strengths:
Light and agile: It aids her in swordplay and hand-to-hand combat.

Deadly accuracy: It makes her a great shot with her bow. Archery is a natural talent for her.

Stealthy: It gives her the element of surprise with the majority of her bounties. Most do not see their demise coming.

Maturity: She knows when to be serious and when to be playful. It gives her good judgement when she actually stops to think.

Oak bow: Allows her to take out bounties from a far distance

Double kilij: Her swords are light and she can wield them with one hand.

Steel knuckles: They aid her in hand-to-hand combat.

Weaknesses:
Lacks Strength and raw power: Makes close combat difficult with large bounties and must use both hands for her sword.

Horrible diplomacy skills: Cannot talk her way out of difficult situations and is forced to fight instead. She is not one to call for negotiating a peace treaty.

Horrible liar: She usually gets caught when doing wrong deeds. She cannot keep a straight face.

Headstrong: She usually doesn't listen to others which puts her into those difficult situations. It makes her appear as arrogant to most and people tend to avoid her.

Impulsive: She rushes into things without thinking which gets her into trouble many times.

Anti-social: She has very few people she can call on for help.

Temper: She has a fiery temper despite her kindness. If you insult her honor you'll feel feel the heat. It clouds her judgement so enemies can easily get the upperhand if they know which buttons to push.

Paronoia: Because of this, she only trusts very few people and only when they have unintentionally proved their trustworthyness. Also, it is near impossible for her to relax so most nights she has trouble sleeping.

This is unbalanced. Even for a half-elf, the learning here seems excessive for your age. You have three weapons, and a decent measure of skill with all three. I would recommend you drop at least one, if not two of these, and perhaps raise your age a bit. You've also failed to elaborate on many of the strengths and weaknesses. Generally it is better to have three or four well explained strengths and and a similar number of weaknesses rather than loading up on one sentence explanations for six or seven strengths and weaknesses.
 I've ignored the history section as you still have a few comments from Kalina to see to as well as the strengths and weaknesses. Do not ask for more comments until you have integrated previous comments. This means you should change the posticon back to a pencil.

History: One day, Arthur Osgood was walking in the woods, headed to deliver a message for his mother Larina Osgood.  See my comments in the familiar section with regards to Fujin cats. As he was walking he heard something in the underbrush. A Fujin Wildcat leaped out at him but it fell 1 fore from him. There was a tranquilizing dart protruding from its side.Out from behind a tree walked Fenan Palinor. She casted a spell to domesticate the beast and took it home as her pet. See also my comments about the Kanapan folk. They live rather far to the north, so this encounter requires a great deal of explanation. Also we prefer people stay away from magic (this means not making mages or generally not having anything to do with magic) with their first characters, since it's something in the way of complicated.

Weapons: She wears her double kilij like an X on her back in leather scabbards. She places her bow strapped to the scabbards horizontally with the string facing down. She straps her quiver to a belt she wears like a sash on her left side. She is left-handed. She wears her brass knuckles at all times. She has painted all of her weapons black for stealth.This belongs up here.

Familiars: Fujin Wildcat named Naila: Fujin cats are native to Nybelmar. Now, Nybelmar is another continent, kind of like North America and Europe particularly in regards to distance. In addition, the Fujin is the preferred mount of the military of the Grand Empire of Krath. To say procuring such an animal would be difficult would be an understatement.
Personality: Naila is very kind and loving toward most people and can sense the goodness in them. If you hurt her master their will be nowhere you can run from this great beast. Naila can be crafty at times but she loves to play innocent. She is loyal only to Sylvia and Fenan, Sylvia's mother.
Appearance: When she is not mirroring her surroundings she has a korwyn gold pelt, and Gnastheen green eyes. She resembles a large jungle cat. She is 2 peds tall and is 4 peds long. She weighs 1.8 pygges. Wynd Racer named Tulu:
Personality: Tulu is the comedian of the group, constantly making Sylvia laugh with his goofy antics. He is a clever bird and understands everything Sylvia says much like Naila. Tulu will always leap to the defense of Sylvia and the 2 animals and the Elf/Human all share a special bond of undying friendship and boundless loyalty.
Appearance: Tulu is cy'hollowian snow with a xazure stripe down his back. It's a pigeon. You might want to reread the entry on Wynd Racers. They have two heads, four wings. I see no mention of this. Fix it up please.  He stands at 0.5 fores tall and has a wingspan of 1 fore. He weighs 0.01 pygge. His intelligent nor'sidian eyes hold many secrets but reveal none.

Sylvia, you've missed a few of Kalina's comments on the basics, not to speak of the strengths and weaknesses, which is one of the more important sections. You should not still be asking for comments if you haven't integrated those made by a previous commenter. There are still some contradictions in the personality section, and you really haven't made much improvement in the appearence sections indicated by Kalina previously. While we don't expect novels, it seems like you aren't putting much effort into this. You will need to take both parents into account when doing a half-elf since they are of mixed heritage. This means you cannot ignore the facets of one tribe because it is inconvienient. If you do not want to do this, I would suggest not making a half-elf and instead making a pureblood elf, keeping in mind that elves tend to be a very peaceful people. Remmber, change the posticon back to the pencil and integrate all comments before changing it back. Otherwise we will continue to have this particular problem.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 17, 2009, 01:56:05 PM
.................. :(


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Bounty Hunter/Aellenrhim and Kanapan
Post by: Airyn on July 17, 2009, 05:22:30 PM
Hey there Sylvia, I'll give you some comments in very pretty blue.

                                                 
Name: Sylvia Palinor
                                                                                                                                                              Age: 35 < Formatting error?

Gender: Female

Race: Human/Elf

Tribes: Elf Aellenrhim; Human Kanapan

Overview: A Human/Elf who is outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing Nor'sidian hair with one cy'hallowian Cyhalloian snow lock with a strong, lithe build. She is fairly skilled with three weapons: brass knuckles, double kilij, and an oak bow. She dresses in all black clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant tied to string around her neck made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and is consistently haunted by the ghost that is not knowing her father.

How does she have a lock of purely white hair? It's interesting  :)

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: The Fiery Huntress.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 pygge, 4 ods, and 3 mut < Because you've capitalised the measurements for her height, it'll look better if you capitalise the measurements for her weight

Eye Color: Korwyn Gold

Allenrhim elves usually have blue, purple or green eyes. Could you please explain how your character has come to have gold coloured ones?

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with 1 cy'hallowian Cyhalloian snow lock in the front.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of Lyth'be pollen, imperceptibly pointed ears, glistening white teeth, half-full lips, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build. She  is? moderately curvy and is fairly lithe. She has a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead and a warm smile.

Don't forget to capitalise colour names ;) You might want to try and extend this section a little. Elaborate? What more can you tell us about her features? It helps us visualise your character when not only reading your CD but when other people are roleplaying with you

Dress: She wears a tunic, leggings, and boots, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down, are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from polyester, and fit not too loosely or tightly as not to affect her in combat, and are light.

Does she have any accessories to note?

Personality: When Sylvia has her guard down as low as it gets, < That last part confuses me a bit... which only happens around her friends, she opens up. She shows that she is very playful, sarcastic and has a great sense of humor. She is very kind to her friends but a lot of it is forced because she is a cold person by nature, though she does care for her friends. She has a soft spot for Naila and Tulu, who were her first friends. When Sylvia is doing her job, it is a different story. When she negotiates for some bounties, she is very brosque and has little patience. She has very sharp tongue when her temper rises which can sometimes instill fear to work for benefit, or backfire and get her into trouble. When she hunts she embraces her true nature: she shows no sympathy or mercy. Killing her bounties has little to no affect on her, because she reasons:They most likely did something wrong or there wouldn't be a bounty on them.

What about her likes or dislikes? Tell us what she likes to do when she's not hunting or hanging around her friends.

Strengths:
Light and agile: It aids her in swordplay and hand-to-hand combat.

Deadly accuracy: It makes her a great shot with her bow. Archery is a natural talent for her.

Stealthy: It gives her the element of surprise with the majority of her bounties. Most do not see their demise coming.

Maturity: She knows when to be serious and when to be playful. It gives her good judgement when she actually stops to think.

Oak bow: Allows her to take out bounties from a far distance

Double kilij: Her swords are light and she can wield them with one hand.

Steel knuckles: They aid her in hand-to-hand combat.

How does she make use of these strengths? Just a few sentences would be really helpful  :)

Weaknesses:
Lacks Strength and raw power: Makes close combat difficult with large bounties and must use both hands for her sword.

Horrible diplomacy skills: Cannot talk her way out of difficult situations and is forced to fight instead. She is not one to call for negotiating a peace treaty.

Horrible liar: She usually gets caught when doing wrong deeds. She cannot keep a straight face.

Headstrong: She usually doesn't listen to others which puts her into those difficult situations. It makes her appear as arrogant to most and people tend to avoid her.

Impulsive: She rushes into things without thinking which gets her into trouble many times.

Anti-social: She has very few people she can call on for help.

Temper: She has a fiery temper despite her kindness. If you insult her honor you'll feel feel the heat. It clouds her judgement so enemies can easily get the upperhand if they know which buttons to push.

Paronoia: Because of this, she only trusts very few people and only when they have unintentionally proved their trustworthyness. Also, it is near impossible for her to relax so most nights she has trouble sleeping.

 History: One day, Arthur Osgood was walking in the woods, headed to deliver a message for his mother Larina Osgood. As he was walking he heard something in the underbrush. A Fujin Wildcat leaped out at him but it fell 1 fore one forefrom him. There was a tranquilizing dart protruding from its side. space Out from behind a tree walked Fenan Palinor. She casted a spell to domesticate the beast and took it home as her pet. It was love at first site sight for these two. < Which two? The wildcat and the woman? or the man and the woman?They never married but they met often at a small cottage near the place where they first met. They were deeply and intimately in love and eventually Sylvia was conceived. Her parents were overjoyed because of this. They scheduled a secret wedding for after Sylvia was born. Why was the wedding a secret? I thought her parents liked the fact that she was with child. Unfortunately, when Fenan was five months pregnant, Arthur was killed defending his mother in an orc raid. < Wowee, where do they live? What happened? Why did Orcs suddenly decide to trample their village? Fenan showed remarkable strength in keeping herself together for her baby. When Sylvia was born, only the house nurse, Sylvia's uncle Svendel, and Fenan herself knew of her existence. She began to reveal her daughter and gradually the Aellenrhim community accepted her. When she was 5 five, her mother began training her in the art of the bow. < The art of the bow sounds a little wrong. How about the art of using a bow? Or something like that. It was customary in her family to teach your theirchildren archery. Then, when she was 10 ten, her uncle began teaching her swordplay. He had picked up the skill in his travels. She became very good with a bow, fairly okay with a sword and decent in hand-to-hand combat which she picked up by having to defend herself against other kids who were prejiduced against her when she was 13 thirteen her uncle bought her brass knuckles from a merchant passing through the village.

 That was a very long paragraph. Could you please break it up a little? It's easier on the eyes ;)
Oh, could you also mention how her father came to be living with her mother? Why would he leave his human village to reside in one so different in culture?

When she was 17 Seventeen, she began to travel. With her she took: an oak bow from her mother, a quiver of steel arrows also from her mother, a mithril arrow that may only be used once and will not miss also from her mother, her brass knuckles, a pendant on string shaped like a crescent moon and painted white that her father made before he died, and Naila. On the road, she found a Wynd Racer with two beroken broken wings. < How did she come across it? She took him with her until he could fly. When she released him he continued to follow her without her knowledge. Later that day, she was attacked by a hooded man in black robes. He wielded a large two-handed sword which made fighting him difficult fore Sylvia had no sword of her own. All she could do was dodge and block with her knuckles and land blows that seemed to have no affect. She attempted to jump back and use her bow but the man stayed in her face. Naila leaped to her defense but received a large gash on her side. Rage flooded Sylvia at that man who would dare attack her friend. She attacked wih renewed passion and vigor but the man was too much. He knocked her down with the butt of his sword and prepared to strike the the final blow. The Wynd Racer had other plans. With a squawk he swooped down from a nearby tree and began pecking and clawing at the man's face. This was all the distraction Sylvia needed. She slipped out a common kitchen knife she had smuggled from her mother and stabbed him right in the heart. She rushed over to Naila and knelt beside her and began examining the wound. The Wynd Racer landed on her shoulder and pecked affectionately at her. She had two thoughts: she loved that bird and that she had to get Naila help. Some soldiers from a nearby town came running through the bushes with their weapons drawn. Their eyes grew wide when they saw the man dead. When questioned, Sylvia explained what happened with a wary look in her eyes. One of the men began rumaging through his pocket and produced a leather pouch and tossed it at Sylvia's feet. He explained that it was for the bounty. Sylvia was amazed fore for she had never heard of this.

The guards helped her carry naila Naila to the nearby city while the Wynd Racer which she had decided to keep and named Tulu, flew overhead. Sylvia stayed in the town for six months to learn basic medical training so she could treat her animals herself. While she was there she picked up some double kilij so she would have a sword. When she had finished her training and Naila had fully recovered, she set out, deciding to hunt for more bounties. She trained relentlessly, developing her own unique style with her weapons. She became good with all of her weapons but she has yet to master them. Finally she was ready. She tracked her bounty John Cruso (NPC) < You don't need to say he is an NPC, we'd just like to know who he was, for many months. Finally she found him. He had stopped a carriage and was holding a man at knifepoint while his wife screamed. With one well-aimed shot John was dead. Conviently, the couple were the ones who put out the reward so she needn't collect his head. She collected herreward and went on her merry way. Sylvia stil hunts bounties to this day with herfaithful companions Tulu and Naila at her side.

You have a Wildcat at your side, so I was wondering: does she do anything to help Sylvia with hunting her bounties?[color]

Familiars: Fujin Wildcat named Naila:
Personality: Naila is very kind and loving toward most people and can sense the goodness in them. If you hurt her master their will be nowhere you can run from this great beast. Naila can be crafty at times but she loves to play innocent. She is loyal only to Sylvia and Fenan, Sylvia's mother.
Space
Appearance: When she is not mirroring her surroundings she has a korwyn gold pelt, and Gnastheen green eyes. She resembles a large jungle cat. She is 2 peds tall and is 4 peds long. She weighs 1.8 pygges. Wynd Racer named Tulu.
Space
Personality: Tulu is the comedian of the group, constantly making Sylvia laugh with his goofy antics. He is a clever bird and understands everything Sylvia says much like Naila. Tulu will always leap to the defense of Sylvia and the 2 animals and the Elf/Human all share a special bond of undying friendship and boundless loyalty.
Space
Appearance: Tulu is cy'hollowian snow with a xazure stripe down his back. He stands at 0.5 fores tall and has a wingspan of 1 fore. He weighs 0.01 pygge. His intelligent nor'sidian eyes hold many secrets but reveal none.

Okiedokie, with your familiar section, the information is set out sort of like a mini CD. It would be very helpful if you could list their names, age, gender, breed etc.. all in CD format so it is easy to read. You might also want to go through it and also capitalise the colour names and check it with a spell checker.

I did a bit of reading on the Fujin Wildcat, and they are mostly solitary creatures. Even as a female, these creatures are known to be not-so-nice and quite aggressive, and don't usually behave well with others. Even females have their own little groups. Sylvia's mother might have cast a mind spell on the animal (which you should probably state which one it is), but even mind spells don't last forever unless a really powerful mage casts them. Why didn't Naila run away when the spell wore off or was lifted?

Weapons: She wears her double kilij like an X on her back in leather scabbards. She places her bow strapped to the scabbards horizontally with the string facing down. She straps her quiver to a belt she wears like a sash on her left side. She is left-handed. She wears her brass knuckles at all times. She has painted all of her weapons black for stealth.

Could you please list each weapon under a subheading and briefly describe them? Just to explain how she uses them, where she puts them, why she likes them etc all in one spot without making a huge block of text  :)

I hope this gives you something to work with, I enjoyed reading your CD. Just watch your spelling and your grammar, and you should be fine.

Good luck with the approval process!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on July 24, 2009, 12:13:12 PM
just keeping off the 2nd page.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 05, 2009, 04:00:04 AM
ahhh i got put on the second page!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 07, 2009, 11:56:33 AM
Hey hun, you still have the WIP posticon up. Are you still working on integrating comments, or have you finished and need new ones? If you are ready, change the posticon to the "!", so people know you are good.

Also, you may wish to do a bit of a spellcheck.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 08, 2009, 09:02:21 AM
Thanks for checking Kalina I'm almost done just some more tweeks to the history and familiar sections and I should be ready to go.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 08, 2009, 12:25:00 PM
 :grin:Ok all patched up and ready for business! I think I made a major improvement from when I first started. Also, Kalina could you please explain the contradictions in my personality to me?:grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 08, 2009, 12:37:31 PM
I will look at it after work tomorrow, if someone doesn't beat me to it. I need to go to bed now.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 08, 2009, 04:54:59 PM
Hi Sylvia,

Me back again. I can see that you have done a lot of work on this. Let's see what I can do to assist you with this. My suggestions will be in gold.

Name: Sylvia Palinor

Age: 55 (knowledge 50 years and appearance 35 years.)

Gender: Female

Race: Half-elf

Tribes: Elf Tethinrhim; Human Avennorian

Overview: A Human/Elf who is outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing Nor'sidian hair with one cy'hallowian snow lock with a strong, lithe build. She is fairly skilled with two weapons: double kilij, and cooran'loh. She dresses in all black clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant tied to string around her neck made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and is constantly haunted by the ghost that is not knowing her father.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: The Fiery Huntress.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Ods, and 3 Mut

Eye Color: Herme green with a minuscule amount of Eophran brown mixed into them (in earthen terms, hazel).If you'd rather just use hazel here you can do that.

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with 1 Cy'hallowian snow you could remove this enter here if you wanted to ... so that lock in the front. Is on the same line as the rest of it.
lock in the front (explained in the history).I'm not sure that you need that 'explained in the history' bit there ... as people would go on and read your history section anyway.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of realm beige, moderately pointed ears, glistening white teeth, half-full lips the color of Aeruillin red, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build. She is moderately curvy and is fairly lithe. She has a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead and a calculating look in her her eyes. Her lips are usually set in a hard, firm line and she rarely laughs or smiles unless she is among her friends. Feel free to mention her hair and eye colour as well as her her height and weight in this section as well.

Dress: She wears a tunic, leggings, and boots, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down, are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from cotton, and fit not too loosely or tightly as not to affect her in combat, and are light. The pattern of a Cy'hallowian snow-colored pentagram inside of a congruently colored circle is etched into her tunic on the right shoulder of her tunic. Inside of the pentagram, is the elvish writing of her soul name, written in the color of Aeruillin red. Just a question for you ... are her tunic and leggings long or short, are the boots long or short ones? Just something that I'm usually curious about with these, and it might help with regards to a portrait.

Personality: When Sylvia has her guard down as low as it gets, which only happens around her friends, she opens up. She shows that she is very playful, sarcastic and has a great sense of humor. She is very kind to her friends but a lot of it is forced because she is a cold person by nature, though she does care for her friends. She has a soft spot for Ilarol Vir and Mesa, who were her first friends. When Sylvia is doing her job, it is a different story. When she negotiates for some bounties, she is very brusque and has little patience. She has very sharp tongue when her temper rises which can sometimes instill fear to work for benefit, or backfire and get her into trouble. When she hunts she embraces her true nature: she shows no sympathy or mercy. Killing her bounties has little to no affect on her, because she reasons: a space in here please, Sylvia.They most likely did something wrong or there wouldn't be a bounty on them. I know you asked Kalina to explain to you what she meant about their being contradictions in your personality section. I'll leave that to Kalina to do for you ... as I wouldn't want to give you the wrong information on it.

Strengths:
Sylvia is light, agile, and quick: Sylvia isn't very large, and may even be called small, which she uses to her advantage. She can easily dodge attacks made by slower opponents, and can hold her own with the quick ones. What she lacks in power, she makes up for in speed. She is always one step ahead of her opponents and can land two blows in the time it takes them to land one.

Common Sense/Strategic thinking: Even though Sylvia isn't very "book smart", she has brains in the areas of common sense and strategy. She can think on her feet effectively and can outwit her enemies with only slight difficulty. She usually knows what to do in a spontaneous situation and leaves her enemies bewildered and confused. They never seem to know what hit them.

Double Kilij: These twin swords are helpful weapons to Sylvia. She has dyed them Nor'sidian so she can sneak up on her opponents at night. She uses the fact that they are are twin blades to her advantage. She can block with one of the blades, and strike with the other blade. She has developed her own unique fighting style with the blades, making them a blur before she strikes her finishing blow. Her preferred method of killing is to slice the opponents with both blades in the form of an X. With these weapons, close combat is made easy.   

Cooran'loh: These small blades attached to the inside of her boots can be a life saver in sticky situations. If an enemy lands a blow on her and she gets knocked down, she simply has to click her boots together and they spring out, allowing her to land some effective surprise attacks on the unsuspecting enemies who think they've won.

Does her horse and wolf ever help her in battle? If so, I think they'll need to be included in here as strengths.

Weaknesses:
Curse: Sylvia has been cursed by an evil mage whom was her bounty. It was difficult, but she took him down, and got a hefty reward. But, that reward came with a price. Moments before he died, he placed a curse on Sylvia. The physical appearance of this curse is the Cy'hallowian snow lock of hair that Sylvia posses. Whenever the curse is in effect, the lock of hair glows brightly. The effect of this curse is a horrible burning throughout her entire body that lasts for ten minutes, and she becomes incapacitated during this time. This curse takes effect whenever she physically exerts herself beyond her limits. She has made finding a mage powerful enough to undo the curse a top priority on her agenda.

Horrible lying/diplomacy skills: Sylvia cannot tell a lie. You might think it's because she's an honest person. Well then you're horribly wrong. Sylvia simply is a horrible liar. She cannot keep a straight face and is usually an open book to most people. Needless to say, one of the most valuable weapons to a bounty hunter, deception, is beyond her. Sylvia also cannot talk her way out of a situation, or settle a difference with words. This constantly becomes a problem to Sylvia and she is forced to use violence and force. She must constantly be on the lookout for people looking to cause trouble, for she prefers to avoid them. This makes her restless, which brings us to our next weakness: paranoia.

Paranoia: Sylvia has fought many enemies and much of the time the fight is brought to her. This makes her paranoid to the point of waking up constantly in the middle of the night and flinching at every noise she hears in the woods or on the road. She doesn't trust many people and it is difficult for her to accept anyone new into her circle of trust. Because of her distrust, she is not very social, which makes gathering information on her her bounties, and she typically has very few allies she can rely on without question.

Temper: Sylvia is fiery by nature and has a horrible temper. In a fight, if her temper rises her judgement can become clouded. If her enemies can get a rise out of her, they can easily gain an advantage. It's not hard to get a rise out of her. If you insult her pride or her friends, harm her or her friends, or question her honor, it will set her off like a stick of dynamite. Because of her temper, Sylvia tends to have a sharp tongue, and it can cause the breaking of a deal with one of her clients.

To me, these strengths and weaknesses look pretty good. If you decide to include one or both of the familiars in as Strengths, I suspect you'll need another weakness to balance it out. Kalina or someone else might be able to give you a better idea on that.

History: Arthur Osgood, a man with a short, small build and an even shorter temper, was walking through the Auturian woods, hunting for him and his mother. His short cropped Nor'sidian hair, uncommon for his tribe the Avennorians, ruffling minutely in the wind, he stopped walking to rub his Xazure eyes. He had been tracking what he judged to be a doe for some time now. He spotted her from the underbrush and she was nibbling on some small patches of grass. He took aim at the doe with his small hunting bow, his hand shaking fore because he was only of low class and had no experience with a bow. He was forced to hunt for himself and his mother fore because they were very poor. He shot and was off by several feet. The doe became startled and fled. Arthur cursed loudly and plopped down on his butt and put his face in his hands. He lifted his face up quickly when he heard a snarl not too far away. He stood up and drew his small kitchen knife and glanced around shiftily. From out of the bushes came a pack of six wolves, quickly surrounding him in the small clearing he was in. I think because works better in those two sentence than fore, Sylvia. Please consider making the changes I suggested.

He began trembling as the pack slowly circled him, the knife falling from his hands. When the wolves began to slowly advance on him, a feminine figure wearing wood-colored clothing jumped down from the top of a surrounding tree. Fenan Palinor, an elf from the tribe of Tethinrhim who was also hunting for her family, turns to face Arthur and says "What the hell(sorry for the profanity but it's how Fenan is)I don't think you need the words in the brackets ... it's a one off, so it'll be fine ... its not as though every third word you've used is profanity or something like that do you think you're doing?" Arthur is too stunned to speak and just stood there gawking at her. He has never seen someone so beautiful with her auburn hair, hazel eyes, and sharp features, he had eyes for her since that moment."Never mind." She said, annoyed. She drew her double kilij and took a protective stance over Arthur. The largest wolf that looked like the leader lunged at them. With one sweep of the sword in her right hand the wolf was downed. With one last snarl the the remaining wolves fled now that their leader had been killed.

Fenan turned to him with a grin on her face and was about to say something but she froze with a look of astonishment on her face. Never had she seen such beautiful eyes in her own tribe while looking into his pools of seemingly liquid magic. He in turn, was spellbound by her. They sat there and stared at each other for what seemed like was hours but was actually five minutes before they realised what they were doing. Arthur turned away quickly and blushed and Fenan simply continued to stare with an amused expression on her face. Her hand unconsciously touched his as they sat down and began talking. He didn't seem to mind at all. He found out that she aspired to be of warrior class in her tribe. He had no doubt in his mind that she would be some day. When she asked him about his life he was reluctant to tell her about his financial troubles but he found it impossible to lie to her while staring at those eyes and eventually told her. She felt sympathy for him and pulled out two squirrels that she had killed for food and gave them to him.

He could only stare at her with fierce gratitude. Her grin just grew larger and only then did she notice her hand was on his. Strangely, she made no move to remove it. They continued talking and found it interesting how different their cultures were. Both felt the connection blossoming between them. After all, nothing bonds two people than a near-death experience. As the sun sank lower on the horizon, they decided it was to time to head to their respective homes. Fean walked Arthur to his horse some miles away and Arthur did not object. When he reached his chestnut horse he packed away the squirrels that Fenan had given him and turned to face her. He offered her his hand and she shook it. When he tried to release her hand, she leaned forward and kissed him then took off running, a small smile on her face. Arthur was stunned for a moment but quickly snapped out of it. He mounted up with a smile similar to Fenan's and began the journey home. They both know they'd see the other again.

Arthur continued to visit Fenan in the forest and their bond grew evermore stronger beyond the point of friendship so it was not surprising when Fenan became pregnant. They were both overjoyed but also scared forebecause the head of Fenan's village would not approve of such a happening. They planned a secret wedding and only Arthur's mother, Miriam, and Fenan's brother Svendel would be attending. On one particular day Arthur and Fenan were supposed to meet in secret to plan for the wedding. As Fenan approached their secret meeting spot she smelled blood. She quickly drew her double kilij for protection and crept towards the place they had first met. When she got their she dropped her double kilij in shock. Lying there was Arthur covered in blood next to to equally covered wolves. She ran over to him as tears streamed from her eyes. She knelt beside him and felt his pulse. He was nearly gone and there was nothing she could do. He opened his eyes and gave her a weak smile and then scrunched them up in pain and grimaced.

He opened them again attempted weakly to lift his hand. She noticed something in his hand and took it. It was a white crescent-shaped pedant. He point to her stomach and she understood immediately. It was for her baby, their baby. She just nodded and he mouthed I love you. She just cried harder as he closed his eyes and his breathing stopped. She stayed there for hours crying and screaming for him to come back. Never had she felt such despair. It was like part of her, no half of her had just died. She wanted to die herself. Then she remembered that her life was not the only one dependent on her well-being. With great difficulty, she returned home. She was ridden with grief for days but she showed great strength in keeping it together for her daughter.

Four months later she gave birth to a little girl and named her Sylvia, Sylvia Palinor. She named her the name Arthur had wanted for her in memory of him. That night, under the full moon, Fenan placed the necklace Arthur made for her around Sylvia's neck. Sylvia was kept secret for three months until Fenan thought it was time she faced her tribe. The Tethinrhim leader did not take to kindly to a half-elf living within his tribe. After much persuasion and begging from his mate, he agreed to allow her to remain with the Tethinrhim. However he refused to have her soul name tattoed on her person. However the spiritual leader of the tribe agreed to do a reading in secret forth knowledge of the soul belongs to all.

As Sylvia grew older she did not get along well with other elven children because was easily noticeable she was different with her Nor'sidian hair and her ears that were not nearly as pointed as the other children's. It grew so bad she was starting to get death threats so her mother decided to keep her at home. when she was eighteen, her mother began training her in swordsmanship. She started off with wooden swords then after a month of training, she gave Sylvia her double kilij. Fenan also gave her her cooran'loh and spent many months training her how to balance while using them to attack.

I'm curious as to where you got the ideas regarding the death threats and the problems with the tribal leader. I've read through the entry on the Tethinrhim a few times now, and don't see any real suggestion to that happening. I'm not saying it wouldn't happen ... I'm just curious, that's all :D

When Sylvia was thirty years old she set off to find her calling in the world. One day, as she was walking in the wood, Sylvia heard whimpering. She set off to find the source. In some underbrush, she found an injured mithral wolf. She stayed with him in that area for a few weeks until her was healed. He wouldn't stop following her once he was better so she decided to bring him with her and named him Ilarol Vir. She found it fairly easy to train him to follow simple commands and he even hunted for the both of them. On the third day that they had been traveling, Sylvia was attacked by a man with a black mask who looked like an executioner. He wielded a large broad sword. Ilarol Vir, sensing his Mistress was in danger immediately attacked the man, scratching and biting him. This distracted the man long enough that Sylvia recovered and drew her double kilij. She commanded her beloved wolf to stand down. This was her fight and she didn't want him to get hurt.

They clashed for what seemed like ages but Sylvia was clearly the better swordsman. It seemed like she would win but the masked man had other plans. He blocked a double slash from her and took advantage of the opening she left by kicking her to the ground. He thought he'd won. He was dead wrong. Sylvia clicked her boots together, activating her cooran'loh. She skillfully balanced on her hands as she stabbed his arm. He cried out in pain but Sylvia wasn't done yet. She pushed off of the ground with some effort and spun in the air while at the same time she was cutting him. He staggered backwards in a daze. Sylvia landed lightly on her hands again and did a flip, stabbing his heart and puncturing his lung, killing him.

Some guards who had been patrolling the area from the nearby city of Marcogg burst through the bushes to the road she was on. They took one glance at Sylvia, one glance at the now dead masked man, and one glance at each other before the man who appeared to be the leader pulled out a medium sized pouch, and tossed it to Sylvia. Sylvia, who had now sheathed her double kilij and deactivated her cooran'loh, caught it with ease. When she opened it, she found gold and they quickly explained that it was for the bounty and she decided that was her calling in the world, to punish those who committed crime. Getting paid for it was a bonus. The guards politely escorted her to the nearby city of Marcogg and paid for her room at an inn. As they left they tipped their hats to her and one even winked at her. She sent him a glare and turned to the rest and smiled while thanking them. They departed immediately and Sylvia decided to look around for awhile. She came across a merchant selling a Koroch Fey Mol horse. She added him if this him refers to the horse, you'll need to change this him to her to her plan to become a bounty hunter, thinking she would need her to travel swiftly. She named her Mesa and decided to set off the following day to hunt a bounty she had discovered on a poster. He was known for being an evil mage and has a record of many serious crimes and misdemeanors ranging from murder to petty thievery. She headed back to her room for the rest of the day deciding that she would need all of her stamina for this hunt.

Just a question here ... she can't read/write, I don't think. so how was she able to tell that the poster was for a bounty? For all she knew it could have been someone advertising themselves as an entertainer or someone pedalling cures/potions. Just something I'm curious about, that's all. :D Maybe she overheard someone who could read it say it was a wanted/bounty poster ... or someone she knew from the town guard told her about it.

The following morning, Sylvia set out from Marcogg in search of Elrid the Terrible. She had no leads so she decided to travel until she reached a village. One week later, Sylvia stopped at a small village and began to ask around. Most people were very uncooperative, but she ran into a fragile old woman whose leg had been burned by dark magic. Sylvia had Ilarol Vir get the scent of it so they could track Elrid down. Sylvia thanked the old woman and quickly left on Mesa, letting Ilarol lead the way.

Sylvia found him four days later, sitting by a fire at night. She kept a distance of one hundred peds and tethered Mesa to a tree and whispered in her here ear to stay quiet. Mesa, being a highly intelligent horse, obeyed. Sylvia then instructed Ilarol Vir to stay put and guard Mesa. She then crept silently toward the camp the evil mage had made. Sylvia now squatted in the bushes surrounding his camp. She quickly thought of a way to catch him unawares as to avoid him using any spells against her. She quickly pulled padding from her bag and silently strapped them to her feet. Next, she drew her double kilij and locked them together into one sword. With her other hand, she grabbed a rock and lobbed it to the opposite side of the circle of bushes, creating noise. Elrid quickly stood and went to inspect the disturbance. He now had his back to her. Sylvia charged out of the bushes behind him, the padding silencing her steps. With one swift motion, she beheaded him. As he fell to ground dead, a horrible burning sensation spread throughout her entire person. She woke up ten minutes later with memories of the horrible burning and a lock of purely white hair. A mark of a curse. She stood up and collected the head of Elrid, wrapping it in cloth. She went and found Mesa asleep and Ilarol still standing his watch over her in his defensive stance. Sylvia mounted Mesa and gave the command for Ilarol to follow. This last paragraph is a long one, you might like to break it up into two, Sylvia.

Two weeks later Sylvia arrived back in Marcogg and collected her reward. Sylvia still hunts bounties to this day and has made a name for herself as the bane of wrongdoers.

Weapons:
Double Kilij: Sylvia wears her double kilij a inside of leather casing in the shape of an X. They are dyed Nor'sidian for stealth and are sharpened daily by Sylvia as they are a gift from her mother and are well cared for by her. These are her main weapons in combat and she has fairly decent skill with them. She likes these twin swords because of their convenient ability to attack and defend simultaneously.

Cooran'loh: These small twin blades are attached to Sylvia's boots on the inside and pop in and out easily. These are similarly cared for as the Sylvia's double kilij and are also a gift from her mother. These weapons are used as a last resort and she has decent skill with them but it has become more difficult to use them since she has been cursed. She likes these weapons because they can save her life at times by using the element of surprise.

Belongings:
Double Kilij
Two spare outfits identical to her current clothing
Crescent moon pendant
Water skins
Supplies for horse care
Cloth
Cooking materials
Outdoor bedding
Saddle
Saddle bags
Emergency rations
Maps of Santharia The lack of literacy would have an impact on her ability to use these maps as well, I think.
Money bag

Familiars:

Ilarol Vir:You won't need this written here

Name: Ilarol Vir

Age: 3 So, she got the wolf after the age of 52? I don't have a problem with that if that is the case, I just wanted to make sure you weren't wanting her to get the wolf when she was 35 or something like that.

Gender: Male

Breed: Mithral Wolf

Appearance: Ilarol Vir stands at two Fores and two palmspans high, is one Ped and three fores long, including his tail, and weighs one Pygge and one Heb. Most of his height is in his graceful legs which allow him to run swiftly. He has a pelt that sparkles in the moonlight, being the color of Barsadusk. He has a streak of Ithild running down his back and spots of the same color on his sides. His mask is of the same color as is the tip of his tail. He has black rings surrounding his Uderza blue eyes, giving him the impression of heavily applied eyeliner. His legs, along with his underbelly are Cy'hallowian snow. The inside of his ears are Mercoral, which are shaped like isosceles triangles with rounded tips.

Personality/Temperament: Ilarol is friendly only to Sylvia, and is highly distrusting of any others. He is boundlessly loyal to Sylvia alone and will trust only her and respond only to her commands. He is highly intelligent and crafty. By nature he is cold but he is warm for Sylvia for caring for him in the forest.

All of the height, weight and length measurements should be in small letters. the same thing for the colour names.

Mesa:You won't need this written here.

Name: Mesa

Age: 7A similar question is raised here as with the age of your wolf.

Gender: Female

Breed: Koroch Fey Mol horse.

Appearance: Mesa stands at 13.5 Hands and weighs one Pygge, eight Hebs, one Od, and four Mut. Her coat is Nor'sidian, as are her rather large intelligent eyes. She has a long mane and her pelt gives off a shine in the right light.

Personality/Temperament:
Mesa has grown attached to Sylvia over the years and is quite fond of her. She is not very brave and will run from trouble the first chance she gets. She is intelligent and understands most of what Sylvia attempts to convey to her. She is not very clever or crafty and is kind to most people.

The same comments relate to Mesa as to Ilarol with regards to colour names and height/weight.

Sylvia, this is really coming together nicely, I think. Most of the comments are made are just small corrections/suggestions, with most of the rest of them is me just wanting to clarify things in my mind about your character. I'll let Kalina go through the personality with you. Hope that helps. I think your fairly close to approvals.  :thumbup:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 08, 2009, 05:14:51 PM
Thanks Dek I'll definitely incorporate your comments into my CD. Thankyou for the help and I cannot tell you how excited I am be so close to approval. :D


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 08, 2009, 05:56:29 PM
Done.  :evil: :pet:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 09, 2009, 02:25:20 AM
Ok. I will go over your Personality, Strengths, and Weaknesses. Everything else Dek touched on.

Quote
Personality: When Sylvia has her guard down as low as it gets, which only happens around her friends, she opens up. I am not sure what you mean with this sentence
She shows that she is very playful, sarcastic and has a great sense of humor.
She is very kind to her friends but a lot of it is forced because she is a cold person by nature, though she does care for her friends. Generally a "cold" person would be playful, sarcastic, or have a good sense of humor. They tend to be more cynical in nature.
She has a soft spot for Ilarol Vir and Mesa, who were her first friends.
When Sylvia is doing her job, it is a different story.
When she negotiates for some bounties, she is very brusque and has little patience.
She has very sharp tongue when her temper rises which can sometimes instill fear to work for benefit, or backfire and get her into trouble.
When she hunts she embraces her true nature: she shows no sympathy or mercy.
Killing her bounties has little to no affect on her, because she reasons: They most likely did something wrong or there wouldn't be a bounty on them. They would have an affect on her, as generally people prefer their bounties alive, so you wouldn't get paid.

I tried to point out some main ones, but you give her two faces. You say she is playful and has a great sense of humor, but in the next line say she is cold. And the rest of your personality goes on to emphasize the coldness. Also, I would like to have a bit more situational detail on what she is like outside of work, without contradictions. Perhaps she is two different people in and outside of work, but make sure to portray that difference properly to exclude confusion.

Quote
Strengths:
Sylvia is light, agile, and quick: Sylvia isn't very large, and may even be called small, which she uses to her advantage. She can easily dodge attacks made by slower opponents, and can hold her own with the quick ones. What she lacks in power, she makes up for in speed. She is usually one step ahead of her opponents and can often land two blows in the time it takes them to land one.

Common Sense/Strategic thinking: Even though Sylvia isn't very "book smart", she has brains in the areas of common sense and strategy. She can think on her feet effectively and can generally outwit her enemies with only slight difficulty. She usually knows what to do in a spontaneous situation and leaves her enemies bewildered and confused. They never seem to know what hit them.

Double Kilij: These twin swords are helpful weapons to Sylvia. She has dyed them Nor'sidian so she can sneak up on her opponents at night. How does one "dye" metal? Or do you mean paint? She uses the fact that they are are twin blades to her advantage. She can block with one of the blades, and strike with the other blade. She has developed her own unique fighting style with the blades, making them a blur before she strikes her finishing blow. Her preferred method of killing is to slice the opponents with both blades in the form of an X. With these weapons, close combat is made easy. 

Cooran'loh: These small blades attached to the inside of her boots can be a life saver in sticky situations. If an enemy lands a blow on her and she gets knocked down, she simply has to click her boots together and they spring out, allowing her to land some effective surprise attacks on the unsuspecting enemies who think they've won.

Ilarol Vir: Ilarol Vir, her beloved Mithral wolf, aids her in tracking bounties with his sharp sense of smell and accute night vision. He can also help in a fight to create a diversion for Sylvia so she can strike against her opponents and end fights quickly. He also can hunt for the both of them, saving Sylvia money in not having to buy food.

Mesa: Mesa is Sylvia's riding horse. She allows Sylvia to travel much faster than if she were on foot. She also allows Sylvia to bring along more items by carrying them in her saddle bags.

Not too bad. I cleaned up the wording a bit to make them more open for the Moderators to work with, otherwise :thumbup:

Quote
Weaknesses:
Curse: Sylvia has been cursed by an evil mage whom was her bounty. It was difficult, but she took him down, and got a hefty reward. But, that reward came with a price. Moments before he died, he placed a curse on Sylvia. The physical appearance of this curse is the Cy'hallowian snow lock of hair that Sylvia posses. Whenever the curse is in effect, the lock of hair glows brightly. The effect of this curse is a horrible burning throughout her entire body that lasts for ten minutes, and she becomes incapacitated during this time. This curse takes effect whenever she physically exerts herself beyond her limits. She has made finding a mage powerful enough to undo the curse a top priority on her agenda. That seems to be an easy curse, and not too much of a burden. Perhaps tweak what trips it, and it could be a solid weakness.

Horrible lying/diplomacy skills: Sylvia cannot tell a lie. You might think it's because she's an honest person. Well then you're horribly wrong. Sylvia simply is a horrible liar. She cannot keep a straight face and is usually an open book to most people. Needless to say, one of the most valuable weapons to a bounty hunter, deception, is beyond her. Sylvia also cannot talk her way out of a situation, or settle a difference with words. This constantly becomes a problem to Sylvia and she is forced to use violence and force. She must constantly be on the lookout for people looking to cause trouble, for she prefers to avoid them. This makes her restless, which brings us to our next weakness: paranoia. Ok, this you are contradicting both your personality and one of your strengths. So, in order to keep this, you will need to tweak your personality and the strength. (Common sense) It is mostly just a matter of altering a phrase or two to make sure they align appropriately.

Paranoia: Sylvia has fought many enemies and much of the time the fight is brought to her. This makes her paranoid to the point of waking up constantly in the middle of the night and flinching at every noise she hears in the woods or on the road. She doesn't trust many people and it is difficult for her to accept anyone new into her circle of trust. Because of her distrust, she is not very social, which makes gathering information on her her bounties, and she typically has very few allies she can rely on without question. Make sure to include this into your personality section, as it would affect her.

Temper: Sylvia is fiery by nature and has a horrible temper. In a fight, if her temper rises her judgement can become clouded. If her enemies can get a rise out of her, they can easily gain an advantage. It's not hard to get a rise out of her. If you insult her pride or her friends, harm her or her friends, or question her honor, it will set her off like a stick of dynamite. Because of her temper, Sylvia tends to have a sharp tongue, and it can cause the breaking of a deal with one of her clients. Make sure you include this in her personality.

Illiterate: Sylvia cannot read or write<comma> so gaining knowledge is rather difficult. She has to ask around for her information or, if she's lucky, she might be somewhere where she has connections. Also, she must read maps simply by what things look like so she cannot read the names of places. Most people are illiterate in this world, so this isn't a strong weakness. Now, a fear of asking people for information would work quite well, as she would have to be creative in how she obtains information.

Your weakness section is quite weak, not because of the weaknesses you have, but because of how they are worded and contradict various other points made throughout the rest of your CD. Straighten out your Personality and have a clear picture of what she is like and how she will react in a variety of situations, then go through your Strengths and Weaknesses and cleanup the lines which don't match up with what you have as your personality. You may even think up a couple of new Weaknesses.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 09, 2009, 06:49:12 AM
Ok, changes made. I hope I was able to fix things. Thanks for clarifying the personality and such. :grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on August 10, 2009, 11:46:27 AM
Well as promised, I read over your CD. As you said "You don't need to leave comments" I'll just share some writing structure. Mind you, these are my opinions only and other great writers on the site may disagree.

The first thing I do when approaching a CD is make a list of useful titles for my character: For your character these would be ... the huntress, the bounty hunter, Sylvia, the melf. A few others are possible, as you have the full view of your character and how you wish to present her. A standard for me is to never use the same title in the course of a paragraph. Shown in Gayle Faewynd's CD if you would like to look. This practice allows me to construct a 5-7 sentence paragraph with no fears of repeating myself.

Another thing you will notice, which only comes from repetitive writing. I have a broad range of specific words I use to describe my characters. My personal favorites happen to be lithe, nimble, sensual, petite, alluring and quite a few others I am sure others could point out .... As you write more, you'll find your own, they are what distinguishes one writer from the next.

Here is a small list of my personal favorite writers and they are ones you can learn a lot from. They're still teaching me. Kalina (She's a master of grammar, read and study most anything she jots down.), Nox Belle (One of the greatest writers I have ever witnessed in these parts. She can write anything from comedy to horror.), Irid (The moderator for 'In Search of a Druid'. An absolutely amazing writer that has taught me a great deal.), Vesk (His writing style is kinda dark, but his attention to detail is unequaled.), Luca the thief (The only writer I have ever met that equals Nox Belle, I sometimes think they are one and the same. Beautiful person and writer, if you need help ... she's the one to ask.). There are many others about but those are my personal inspirations.

A side-note for you hun: Your title does not require the word 'the'. 'The' causes one to think that there are other Fiery Huntresses. Fiery Huntress is perfect as I truly doubt there will be others with such a title.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén: Twen Araerwen

 


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 10, 2009, 11:52:05 AM
Thankie :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Thodin Coldflame Lomin on August 11, 2009, 02:15:15 AM
Afternoon, Evening, Morning as the case may be at the time of reading and/or comprehension of this message.

So Sylvia, I'd have to be blind if I didn't see all the corrections that you have made to your CD. Can I suggest putting your corrections in a lighter color? Perhaps lime green or maybe light green? It's hard to read when the coloration is so dark, and blends with the background. Just a heads up to make reading your CD a little easier.  :thumbup:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 11, 2009, 01:06:37 PM
It's been about three days since I've gotten any content comments(no offense to Thodin or Twen), give or take a few hours, and I would be eternally grateful to anyone who would comment. Cookies to those who do! :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on August 11, 2009, 01:36:56 PM
I'm definitely jumping on those cookies. I'll be commenting in blue, sadly. You're limegreen might make my comments difficult to read if it were green.  :(

Name: Sylvia Palinor

Soul Name: Quael Eferan Efer

Age: 55 (knowledge 50 years and appearance 35 years.)

Gender: Female

Race: Half-elf

Tribes: Elf Tethinrhim; Human Avennorian

Overview: A Half-elf who is outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing Nor'sidian hair with one cy'hallowian snow lock in the front. She has a strong, lithe build, and is fairly skilled with two weapons: double kilij, and cooran'loh. She dresses in all black clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant tied to string around her neck made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and is constantly haunted by the ghost that is not knowing her father.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: Fiery Huntress.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Ods, and 3 Mut

Eye Color: Hazel

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with one Cy'hallowian snow lock in the front.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of realm beige, moderately pointed ears, glistening white teeth, half-full lips the color of Aeruillin red, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. Her complexion is almost flawless, except for a small scar right above her eye. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build, and is moderately curvy and fairly lithe. She has a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead and a calculating look in her her eyes. Her lips are usually set in a hard, firm line and she rarely laughs or smiles unless she is among her friends. Her hair is always worn down and is usually in her face, giving an exotic effect to her intense hazel eyes. Sounds like a tease to me...

Dress: She wears a long-sleeved tunic, long leggings, and boots that reach half-way up her calves, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down, are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from cotton, and fit not too loosely or tightly as not to affect her in combat, and are light. The pattern of a Cy'hallowian snow-colored pentagram inside of a congruently colored circle is sewn into the right shoulder of her tunic. Inside of the pentagram, is the elvish writing of her soul name, sewn in the color of Aeruillin red.[color] Just curious, but I don't believe I've heard of anything like a pentagram in Santharia. Can you give me link if you've read of pentagrams, or other various religious symbols in Caelereth?

Personality: When Sylvia is around friends and trusted individuals, she will let her guard down to some degree. She will always carry her weapons with her, but she is noticeably less jumpy. She also shows a lapse in her guard by opening up. She is a warm, playful, sarcastic person by nature. However in the world of bounty hunters, she is forced to wear a mask of cold confidence, display her fiery temper that is reserved only for her enemies, and is quite paranoid. She has learned how to appear dark and foreboding. When Sylvia is "on the job", she must harden her heart and convince herself that she is truly doing what is right so she may get the job done. On a normal day, when Sylvia is taking a break from her job, she is training, showing her ambition to constantly improve herself. In practicality, Sylvia knows that she can seldom embrace her nature of being kind, but she finds solace in the fact that she may express herself through her righteous fury, and turn kindness into what she convinces herself is good. However, she longs to be herself. I would like to hear more about any of her own quirks, and definitely an outline of various opinions not only on her work, but religion, music, magic, the idea of morality, and different peoples that live around her. But that's really just my own opinion here, and you don't have to take it all that seriously.

Strengths:
Sylvia is light, agile, and quick: Sylvia isn't very large, and may even be called small, which she uses to her advantage. She can easily dodge attacks made by slower opponents, and can hold her own with the quick ones. What she lacks in power, she makes up for in speed. She is usually one step ahead of her opponents and can often land two blows in the time it takes them to land one.

Common Sense: Even though Sylvia isn't very "book smart", she has brains in the areas of common sense. She can think on her feet effectively and can generally outwit her enemies with only slight difficulty. She usually knows what to do in a spontaneous situation and leaves her enemies bewildered and confused. They never seem to know what hit them.

Double Kilij: These twin swords are helpful weapons to Sylvia. She has painted them Nor'sidian so she can sneak up on her opponents at night. She uses the fact that they are are twin blades to her advantage. She can block with one of the blades, and strike with the other blade. She has developed her own unique fighting style with the blades, making them a blur before she strikes her finishing blow. Her preferred method of killing is to slice the opponents with both blades in the form of an X. With these weapons, close combat is made easy.  

Cooran'loh: These small blades attached to the inside of her boots can be a life saver in sticky situations. If an enemy lands a blow on her and she gets knocked down, she simply has to click her boots together and they spring out, allowing her to land some effective surprise attacks on the unsuspecting enemies who think they've won.

Ilarol Vir: Ilarol Vir, her beloved Mithral wolf, aids her in tracking bounties with his sharp sense of smell and accute night vision. He can also help in a fight to create a diversion for Sylvia so she can strike against her opponents and end fights quickly. He also can hunt for the both of them, saving Sylvia money in not having to buy food.

Mesa: Mesa is Sylvia's riding horse. She allows Sylvia to travel much faster than if she were on foot. She also allows Sylvia to bring along more items by carrying them in her saddle bags.

Weaknesses:
Curse: Sylvia has been cursed by an evil mage whom was her bounty. It was difficult, but she took him down, and got a hefty reward. But, that reward came with a price. Moments before he died, he placed a curse on Sylvia. The physical appearance of this curse is the Cy'hallowian snow lock of hair that Sylvia posses. Whenever the curse is in effect, the lock of hair glows brightly. The effect of this curse is a horrible burning throughout her entire body and she becomes incapacitated during this time. This curse takes effect whenever she goes through her moon cycle. The spells of burning are incredibly random and can last up to ten minutes. She has made finding a mage powerful enough to undo the curse a top priority on her agenda. How often can we expect this to occur? Or are you just going to use it at your own discretion to spice things up from time to time?

Horrible lying/diplomacy skills: Sylvia cannot tell a lie. You might think it's because she's an honest person. Well then you're horribly wrong. Sylvia simply is a horrible liar. She cannot keep a straight face and is usually an open book to most people. Needless to say, one of the most valuable weapons to a bounty hunter, deception, is beyond her. Sylvia also cannot talk her way out of a situation, or settle a difference with words. This constantly becomes a problem to Sylvia and she is forced to use violence and force. She must constantly be on the lookout for people looking to cause trouble, for she prefers to avoid them. This makes her restless, which brings us to our next weakness: paranoia.

Paranoia: Sylvia has fought many enemies and much of the time the fight is brought to her. This makes her paranoid to the point of waking up constantly in the middle of the night and flinching at every noise she hears in the woods or on the road. She doesn't trust many people and it is difficult for her to accept anyone new into her circle of trust. Because of her distrust, she is not very social, which makes gathering information on her her bounties difficult, and she typically has very few allies she can rely on without question.

Temper: Sylvia is fiery by nature and has a horrible temper. In a fight, if her temper rises, her judgement remove the first "e" from judgment can become clouded. If her enemies can get a rise out of her, they can easily gain an advantage. It's not hard to get a rise out of her.  If you insult her pride or her friends, harm her or her friends, or question her honor, it will set her off like a stick of dynamite. Because of her temper, Sylvia tends to have a sharp tongue, and it can cause the breaking of a deal with one of her clients.

Guilt: Sylvia usually goes for criminals who have comitted serious crimes (i.e. murder) and therefore, most of the time are wanted dead or alive. Sylvia usually cannot capture these people because they are dangerous, and usually must kill them. She hardens her heart before every fight, convincing herself that what she is doing is right and these criminals don't deserve to live. However, Sylvia knows she is lying to herself and feels great guilt after taking a life. She does not show it outwardly and prefers to keep it bottled up. This eats away at her and will affect her health, mental and physical, to the point where she will find an inn and sob in her room for days. She is also more prone to an illness because of this.



 History: Arthur Osgood, a man with a short, small build and an even shorter temper, was walking through the Auturian woods, hunting for him and his mother. His short cropped Nor'sidian hair, uncommon for his tribe the Avennorians, ruffling minutely in the wind, he stopped walking to rub his Xazure eyes. He had been tracking what he judged to be a doe for some time now. He spotted her from the underbrush and she was nibbling on some small patches of grass. He took aim at the doe with his small hunting bow, his hand shaking because he was only of low class and had no experience with a bow. He was forced to hunt for himself and his mother because they were very poor. He shot and was off by several feet. The doe became startled and fled. Arthur cursed loudly and plopped down on his butt and put his face in his hands. He lifted his face up quickly when he heard a snarl not too far away. He stood up and drew his small kitchen knife and glanced around shiftily. From out of the bushes came a pack of six wolves, quickly surrounding him in the small clearing he was in.

He began trembling as the pack slowly circled him, the knife falling from his hands. When the wolves began to slowly advance on him, a feminine figure wearing wood-colored clothing jumped down from the top of a surrounding tree. Fenan Palinor, an elf from the tribe of Tethinrhim who was also hunting for her family, turns to face Arthur and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Arthur is too stunned to speak and just stood there gawking at her. He has never seen someone so beautiful with her auburn hair, hazel eyes, and sharp features, he had eyes for her since that moment."Never mind." She said annoyed. She drew her double kilij and took a protective stance over Arthur. The largest wolf that looked like the leader lunged at them. With one sweep of the sword in her right hand the wolf was downed. With one last snarl the the remaining wolves fled now that their leader had been killed.

Fenan turned to him with a grin on her face and was about to say something but she froze with a look of astonishment on her face. Never had she seen such beautiful eyes in her own tribe while looking into his pools of seemingly liquid magic. He in turn, was spellbound by her. They sat there and stared at each other for what seemed like was hours but was actually five minutes before they realised what they were doing. Arthur turned away quickly and blushed and Fenan simply continued to stare with an amused expression on her face. Her hand unconsciously touched his as they sat down and began talking. He didn't seem to mind at all. He found out that she aspired to be of warrior class in her tribe. He had no doubt in his mind that she would be some day. When she asked him about his life he was reluctant to tell her about his financial troubles but he found it impossible to lie to her while staring at those eyes and eventually told her. She felt sympathy for him and pulled out two squirrels that she had killed for food and gave them to him.

 He could only stare at her with fierce gratitude. Her grin just grew larger and only then did she notice her hand was on his. Strangely, she made no move to remove it. They continued talking and found it interesting how different their cultures were. Both felt the connection blossoming between them. After all, nothing bonds two people than a near-death experience. As the sun sank lower on the horizon, they decided it was to time to head to their respective homes. Fean walked Arthur to his horse some miles away and Arthur did not object. When he reached his chestnut horse he packed away the squirrels that Fenan had given him and turned to face her. He offered her his hand and she shook it. When he tried to release her hand, she leaned forward and kissed him then took off running, a small smile on her face. Arthur was stunned for a moment but quickly snapped out of it. He mounted up with a smile similar to Fenan's and began the journey home. They both know they'd see the other again.

Arthur continued to visit Fenan in the forest and their bond grew evermore stronger beyond the point of friendship so it was not surprising when Fenan became pregnant. They were both overjoyed but also scared because the head of Fenan's village would not approve of such a happening. They planned a secret wedding and only Arthur's mother, Miriam, and Fenan's brother Svendel would be attending. On one particular day Arthur and Fenan were supposed to meet in secret to plan for the wedding. As Fenan approached their secret meeting spot she smelled blood. She quickly drew her double kilij for protection and crept towards the place they had first met. When she got their she dropped her double kilij in shock. Lying there was Arthur covered in blood next to to equally covered wolves. She ran over to him as tears streamed from her eyes. She knelt beside him and felt his pulse. He was nearly gone and there was nothing she could do. He opened his eyes and gave her a weak smile and then scrunched them up in pain and grimaced.

He opened them again attempted weakly to lift his hand. She noticed something in his hand and took it. It was a white crescent-shaped pedant. He point to her stomach and she understood immediately. It was for her baby, their baby. She just nodded and he mouthed I love you. She just cried harder as he closed his eyes and his breathing stopped. She stayed there for hours crying and screaming for him to come back. Never had she felt such despair. It was like part of her, no half of her had just died. She wanted to die herself. Then she remembered that her life was not the only one dependent on her well-being. With great difficulty, she returned home. She was ridden with grief for days but she showed great strength in keeping it together for her daughter.

Four months later she gave birth to a little girl and named her Sylvia, Sylvia Palinor. She named her the name Arthur had wanted for her in memory of him. That night, under the full moon, Fenan placed the necklace Arthur made for her around Sylvia's neck. Sylvia was kept secret for three months until Fenan thought it was time she faced her tribe. The Tethinrhim leader did not take to kindly to a half-elf living within his tribe. After much persuasion and begging from his mate, he agreed to allow her to remain with the Tethinrhim. However he refused to have her soul name tattoed on her person. However the spiritual leader of the tribe agreed to do a reading in secret forth knowledge of the soul belongs to all.

As Sylvia grew older she did not get along well with other elven children because was easily noticeable she was different with her Nor'sidian hair and her ears that were not nearly as pointed as the other children's. It grew so bad she was starting to get death threats so her mother decided to keep her at home. when she was eighteen, her mother began training her in swordsmanship. She started off with wooden swords then after a month of training, she gave Sylvia her double kilij. Fenan also gave her her cooran'loh and spent many months training her how to balance while using them to attack.

When Sylvia was thirty years old she set off to find her calling in the world. One day, as she was walking in the wood, Sylvia heard whimpering. She set off to find the source. In some underbrush, she found an injured mithral wolf. She stayed with him in that area for a few weeks until her was healed. He wouldn't stop following her once he was better so she decided to bring him with her and named him Ilarol Vir. She found it fairly easy to train him to follow simple commands and he even hunted for the both of them. On the third day that they had been traveling, Sylvia was attacked by a man with a black mask who looked like an executioner. He wielded a large broad sword. Ilarol Vir, sensing his Mistress was in danger immediately attacked the man, scratching and biting him. This distracted the man long enough that Sylvia recovered and drew her double kilij. She commanded her beloved wolf to stand down. This was her fight and she didn't want him to get hurt.

They clashed for what seemed like ages but Sylvia was clearly the better swordsman. It seemed like she would win but the masked man had other plans. He blocked a double slash from her and took advantage of the opening she left by kicking her to the ground. He thought he'd won. He was dead wrong. Sylvia clicked her boots together, activating her cooran'loh. She skillfully balanced on her hands as she stabbed his arm. He cried out in pain but Sylvia wasn't done yet. She pushed off of the ground with some effort and spun in the air while at the same time she was cutting him. He staggered backwards in a daze. Sylvia landed lightly on her hands again and did a flip, stabbing his heart and puncturing his lung, killing him.

Some guards who had been patrolling the area from the nearby city of Marcogg burst through the bushes to the road she was on. They took one glance at Sylvia, one glance at the now dead masked man, and one glance at each other before the man who appeared to be the leader pulled out a medium sized pouch, and tossed it to Sylvia. Sylvia, who had now sheathed her double kilij and deactivated her cooran'loh, caught it with ease. When she opened it she found gold and they quickly explained that it was for the bounty and she decided that was her calling in the world, to punish those who committed crime. Getting paid for it was a bonus. The guards politely escorted her to the nearby city of Marcogg and paid for her room at an inn. As they left they tipped their hats to her and one even winked at her. She sent him a glare and turned to the rest and smiled while thanking them. They departed immediately and Sylvia decided to look around for awhile. She came across a merchant selling a Koroch Fey Mol horse. She added her to her plan to become a bounty hunter, thinking she would need her to travel swiftly. She named her Mesa and decided to set off the following day to hunt a bounty she had discovered while eavesdropping on two guards who were standing in front of a bounty hunter. He was known for being an evil mage and has a record of many serious crimes and misdemeanors ranging from murder to petty thievery. She headed back to her room for the rest of the day deciding that she would need all of her stamina for this hunt.

The following morning, Sylvia set out from Marcogg in search of Elrid the Terrible. She had no leads so she decided to travel until she reached a village. One week later, Sylvia stopped at a small village and began to ask around. Most people were very uncooperative, but she ran into a fragile old woman whose leg had been burned by dark magic. Sylvia had Ilarol Vir get the scent of it so they could track Elrid down. Sylvia thanked the old woman and quickly left on Mesa, letting Ilarol lead the way.

Sylvia found him four days later, sitting by a fire at night. She kept a distance of one hundred peds and tethered Mesa to a tree and whispered in her ear to stay quiet. Mesa, being a highly intelligent horse, obeyed. Sylvia then instructed Ilarol Vir to stay put and guard Mesa. She then crept silently toward the camp the evil mage had made. Sylvia now squatted in the bushes surrounding his camp. She quickly thought of a way to catch him unawares as to avoid him using any spells against her. She quickly pulled padding from her bag and silently strapped them to her feet. Next, she drew her double kilij and locked them together into one sword. With her other hand, she grabbed a rock and lobbed it to the opposite side of the circle of bushes, creating noise.

Elrid quickly stood and went to inspect the disturbance. He now had his back to her. Sylvia charged out of the bushes behind him, the padding silencing her steps. With one swift motion, she beheaded him. As he fell to ground dead, a horrible burning sensation spread throughout her entire person. She woke up ten minutes later with memories of the horrible burning and a lock of purely white hair. A mark of a curse. She stood up and collected the head of Elrid, wrapping it in cloth. She went and found Mesa asleep and Ilarol still standing his watch over her in his defensive stance. Sylvia mounted Mesa and gave the command for Ilarol to follow.

Two weeks later Sylvia arrived back in Marcogg and collected her reward. Sylvia still hunts bounties to this day and has made a name for herself as the bane of wrongdoers.

Weapons:
Double Kilij: Sylvia wears her double kilij a inside of leather casing in the shape of an X. They are dyed Nor'sidian for stealth and are sharpened daily by Sylvia as they are a gift from her mother and are well cared for by her. These are her main weapons in combat and she has fairly decent skill with them. She likes these twin swords because of their convenient ability to attack and defend simultaneously.

Cooran'loh: These small twin blades are attached to Sylvia's boots on the inside and pop in and out easily. These are similarly cared for as the Sylvia's double kilij and are also a gift from her mother. These weapons are used as a last resort and she has decent skill with them but it has become more difficult to use them since she has been cursed. She likes these weapons because they can save her life at times by using the element of surprise.

Belongings:
Double Kilij
Two spare outfits identical to her current clothing
Crescent moon pendant
Water skins
Supplies for horse care
Cloth
Cooking materials
Outdoor bedding
Saddle
Saddle bags
Emergency rations
Maps of Santharia
Money bag

Familiars:

Name: Ilarol Vir

Age: 5 (Acquired at age 52 when he was 2 years old.)

Gender: Male

Breed: Mithral Wolf

Appearance: Ilarol Vir stands at two fores and two palmspans high, is one ped and three fores long, including his tail, and weighs one pygge and one heb. Most of his height is in his graceful legs which allow him to run swiftly. He has a pelt that sparkles in the moonlight, being the color of Barsadusk. He has a streak of Ithild running down his back and spots of the same color on his sides. His mask is of the same color as is the tip of his tail. He has black rings surrounding his Uderza blue eyes, giving him the impression of heavily applied eyeliner. His legs, along with his underbelly are Cy'hallowian snow. The inside of his ears are Mercoral, which are shaped like isosceles triangles with rounded tips.

Personality/Temperament: Ilarol is friendly only to Sylvia, and is highly distrusting of any others. He is boundlessly loyal to Sylvia alone and will trust only her and respond only to her commands. He is highly intelligent and crafty. By nature he is cold but he is warm for Sylvia for caring for him in the forest.


Name: Mesa

Age: 7 (Acquired at age 52 when she was 4 years old.)

Gender: Female

Breed: Koroch Fey Mol horse.

Appearance: Mesa stands at 13.5 hands and weighs one pygge, eight hebs, one od, and four mut. Her coat is Nor'sidian, as are her rather large intelligent eyes. She has a long mane and her pelt gives off a shine in the right light.

Personality/Temperament:
Mesa has grown attached to Sylvia over the years and is quite fond of her. She is not very brave and will run from trouble the first chance she gets. She is intelligent and understands most of what Sylvia attempts to convey to her. She is not very clever or crafty and is kind to most people.

There wasn't much for me to quibble at, so it was a good cd. I like that she isn't so sophisticated; She seems to prefer being an "efficient" individual. Good luck, and hopefully a speedy approval. Have a good one  ;)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 11, 2009, 01:46:11 PM
Thankyou very much for your input. Yes it is very easy to get a rise out of her. I hope approval is speedy as well. Now for those promised cookies. ~Hands huge plate of freshly baked, warm, gooey, soft chocolate chip cookoies~


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 11, 2009, 03:40:45 PM
I have a large extended personality written in my notebook specifically reserved for Santharia and I will add it tommorow afternoon as I can't actually edit properly until then. It is difficult to explain. As Alexandre's corrections were few and all I need to do is type what I've written, I'm still open to comments.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 11, 2009, 06:59:53 PM
Here we go again Sylvia, comments/suggestions in teal.

Name: Sylvia Palinor

Soul Name: Quael Eferan Efer

Age: 55 (knowledge 50 years and appearance 35 years.)

Gender: Female

Race: Half-elf

Tribes: Elf Tethinrhim; Human Avennorian

Overview: A Half-elf who is outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing Nor'sidian please change that capital N to a small n in nor'sidian. hair with one cy'hallowian snow lock in the front. She has a strong, lithe build, and is fairly skilled with two weapons: double kilij, and cooran'loh. She dresses in all black clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant tied to string around her neck made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and is constantly haunted by the ghost that is not knowing her father.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: Fiery Huntress.That period/full stop isn't really required there, Sylvia.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Ods, and 3 Mut

Eye Color: Hazel

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with one Cy'hallowian snow lock in the front.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of realm beige, moderately pointed ears, glistening white teeth, half-full lips the color of Aeruillin small letter a here please red, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. Her complexion is almost flawless, except for a small scar right above her eye. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build, and is moderately curvy and fairly lithe. She has a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead and a calculating look in her her eyes. Her lips are usually set in a hard, firm line and she rarely laughs or smiles unless she is among her friends. Her hair is always worn down and is usually in her face, giving an exotic effect to her intense hazel eyes.

Dress: She wears a long-sleeved tunic, long leggings, and boots that reach half-way up her calves, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down, are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from cotton, and fit not too loosely or tightly as not to affect her in combat, and are light. The pattern of a Cy'hallowian snow-colored pentagram inside of a congruently colored circle is sewn into the right shoulder of her tunic. Inside of the pentagram, is the elvish writing of her soul name, sewn in the color of Aeruillin red.Thank you for adding in more details about her tunic, leggings and boots as I asked, Sylvania. I also appreciated you making the other changes I requested.

Personality: When Sylvia is around friends and trusted individuals, she will let her guard down to some degree. She will always carry her weapons with her, but she is noticeably less jumpy. She also shows a lapse in her guard by opening up. She is a warm, playful, sarcastic person by nature. However in the world of bounty hunters, she is forced to wear a mask of cold confidence, display her fiery temper that is reserved only for her enemies, and is quite paronoid. She has learned how to appear dark and foreboding. When Sylvia is "on the job", she must harden her heart and convince herself that she is truly doing what is right so she may get the job done. On a normal day, when Sylvia is taking a break from her job, she is training, showing her ambition to constantly improve herself. In practicality, Sylvia knows that she can seldom embrace her nature of being kind, but she finds solace in the fact that she may express herself through her righteous fury, and turn kindness into what she convinces herself is good. However, she longs to be herself. This to me reads as a well constructed personality section. You could perhaps try to use words other than she and Sylvia in some of the sentences to add a bit more variety, but that is mostly a personal preference. Twen's suggestion of coming up with a few different titles for Sylvia is a good one, and might be of help to you here in an attempt to making the personality section more interesting. I do know you've said that you've got a large extended personality section written in a notebook, so I'll loook again when you've included that here.

Strengths:
Sylvia is light, agile, and quick: Sylvia isn't very large, and may even be called small, which she uses to her advantage. She can easily dodge attacks made by slower opponents, and can hold her own with the quick ones. What she lacks in power, she makes up for in speed. She is usually one step ahead of her opponents and can often land two blows in the time it takes them to land one.

Common Sense: Even though Sylvia isn't very "book smart", she has brains in the areas of common sense. She can think on her feet effectively and can generally outwit her enemies with only slight difficulty. She usually knows what to do in a spontaneous situation and leaves her enemies bewildered and confused. They never seem to know what hit them.

Double Kilij: These twin swords are helpful weapons to Sylvia. She has painted them Nor'sidian a small n here for nor'sidian please, Sylvia. It is just another name for black ... and you wouldn't use a capital b for black in the middle of a sentence. so she can sneak up on her opponents at night. She uses the fact that they are are twin blades to her advantage. She can block with one of the blades, and strike with the other blade. She has developed her own unique fighting style with the blades, making them a blur before she strikes her finishing blow. Her preferred method of killing is to slice the opponents with both blades in the form of an X. With these weapons, close combat is made easy.   

Cooran'loh: These small blades attached to the inside of her boots can be a life saver in sticky situations. If an enemy lands a blow on her and she gets knocked down, she simply has to click her boots together and they spring out, allowing her to land some effective surprise attacks on the unsuspecting enemies who think they've won.

Ilarol Vir: Ilarol Vir, her beloved Mithral wolf, aids her in tracking bounties with his sharp sense of smell and accute night vision. He can also help in a fight to create a diversion for Sylvia so she can strike against her opponents and end fights quickly. He also can hunt for the both of them, saving Sylvia money in not having to buy food.

Mesa: Mesa is Sylvia's riding horse. She allows Sylvia to travel much faster than if she were on foot. She also allows Sylvia to bring along more items by carrying them in her saddle bags.

Weaknesses:
Curse: Sylvia has been cursed by an evil mage whom was her bounty. It was difficult, but she took him down, and got a hefty reward. But, that reward came with a price. Moments before he died, he placed a curse on Sylvia. The physical appearance of this curse is the Cy'hallowian snow lock of hair that Sylvia posses. Whenever the curse is in effect, the lock of hair glows brightly. The effect of this curse is a horrible burning throughout her entire body and she becomes incapacitated during this time. This curse takes effect whenever she goes through her moon cycle. The spells of burning are incredibly random and can last up to ten minutes.She has made finding a mage powerful enough to undo the curse a top priority on her agenda.

Horrible lying/diplomacy skills: Sylvia cannot tell a lie. You might think it's because she's an honest person. Well then you're horribly wrong. Sylvia simply is a horrible liar. She cannot keep a straight face and is usually an open book to most people. Needless to say, one of the most valuable weapons to a bounty hunter, deception, is beyond her. Sylvia also cannot talk her way out of a situation, or settle a difference with words. This constantly becomes a problem to Sylvia and she is forced to use violence and force. She must constantly be on the lookout for people looking to cause trouble, for she prefers to avoid them. This makes her restless, which brings us to our next weakness: paranoia.

Paranoia: Sylvia has fought many enemies and much of the time the fight is brought to her. This makes her paranoid to the point of waking up constantly in the middle of the night and flinching at every noise she hears in the woods or on the road. She doesn't trust many people and it is difficult for her to accept anyone new into her circle of trust. Because of her distrust, she is not very social, which makes gathering information on her her bounties, and she typically has very few allies she can rely on without question.

Temper: Sylvia is fiery by nature and has a horrible temper. In a fight, if her temper rises her judgement can become clouded. If her enemies can get a rise out of her, they can easily gain an advantage. It's not hard to get a rise out of her. If you insult her pride or her friends, harm her or her friends, or question her honor, it will set her off like a stick of dynamite. Because of her temper, Sylvia tends to have a sharp tongue, and it can cause the breaking of a deal with one of her clients.

Guilt: Sylvia usually goes for criminals who have comitted serious crimes (i.e. murder) and therefore, most of the time are wanted dead or alive. Sylvia usually cannot capture these people because they are dangerous, and usually must kill them. She hardens her heart before every fight, convincing herself that what she is doing is right and these criminals don't deserve to live. However, Sylvia knows she is lying to herself and feels great guilt after taking a life. She does not show it outwardly and prefers to keep it bottled up. This eats away at her and will affect her health, mental and physical, to the point where she will find an inn and sob in her room for days. She is also more prone to an illness because of this.

I can't see too much wrong with your Strengths and Weaknesses. It seems to me that you have integrated Kalina's comments  :thumbup:

History: Arthur Osgood, Arthur doesn't sound like a Avennorian name to me, Sylvania. TheAvennorians Naming (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/avennorians.htm#Nomenclature) may be of help to you when working out a new name for him. a man with a short, small build and an even shorter temper, was walking through the Auturian woods, hunting for him and his mother. His short cropped Nor'sidian hair, uncommon for his tribe the Avennorians, ruffling minutely in the wind, he stopped walking to rub his Xazure eyes. once again, these colour names could do with small letters ... I'm talking about nor'sidian and xazure here. He had been tracking what he judged to be a doe for some time now. He spotted her from the underbrush and she was nibbling on some small patches of grass. He took aim at the doe with his small hunting bow, his hand shaking because he was only of low class and had no experience with a bow. He was forced to hunt for himself and his mother because they were very poor. He shot and was off by several feet. The doe became startled and fled. Arthur cursed loudly and plopped down on his butt and put his face in his hands. He lifted his face up quickly when he heard a snarl not too far away. He stood up and drew his small kitchen knife and glanced around shiftily. From out of the bushes came a pack of six wolves, quickly surrounding him in the small clearing he was in.You've used 'he' a lot in this paragraph. Instead of he, maybe try to use words that describe him ... is he a fisherman? If so maybe use that in a couple of places. Even 'The man' would be fine. This is once again just designed to give your writing a bit more variety.

He began trembling as the pack slowly circled him, the knife falling from his hands. When the wolves began to slowly advance on him, a feminine figure wearing wood-colored clothing jumped down from the top of a surrounding tree. Fenan Palinor, an elf from the tribe of Tethinrhim who was also hunting for her family, turns to face Arthur and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Arthur is too stunned to speak and just stood there gawking at her. He has never seen someone so beautiful with her auburn hair, hazel eyes, and sharp features, he had eyes for her since that moment."Never mind." She said annoyed. She drew her double kilij and took a protective stance over Arthur. The largest wolf that looked like the leader lunged at them. With one sweep of the sword in her right hand the wolf was downed. With one last snarl the the remaining wolves fled now that their leader had been killed.

Fenan turned to him with a grin on her face and was about to say something but she froze with a look of astonishment on her face. Never had she seen such beautiful eyes in her own tribe while looking into his pools of seemingly liquid magic. He in turn, was spellbound by her. They sat there and stared at each other for what seemed like was hours but was actually five minutes before they realised what they were doing. Arthur turned away quickly and blushed and Fenan simply continued to stare with an amused expression on her face. Her hand unconsciously touched his as they sat down and began talking. He didn't seem to mind at all. He found out that she aspired to be of warrior class in her tribe. He had no doubt in his mind that she would be some day. When she asked him about his life he was reluctant to tell her about his financial troubles but he found it impossible to lie to her while staring at those eyes and eventually told her. She felt sympathy for him and pulled out two squirrels that she had killed for food and gave them to him.

 He could only stare at her with fierce gratitude. Her grin just grew larger and only then did she notice her hand was on his. Strangely, she made no move to remove it. They continued talking and found it interesting how different their cultures were. Both felt the connection blossoming between them. After all, nothing bonds two people than a near-death experience. As the sun sank lower on the horizon, they decided it was to time to head to their respective homes. Fean walked Arthur to his horse some miles away and Arthur did not object. When he reached his chestnut horse he packed away the squirrels that Fenan had given him and turned to face her. He offered her his hand and she shook it. When he tried to release her hand, she leaned forward and kissed him then took off running, a small smile on her face. Arthur was stunned for a moment but quickly snapped out of it. He mounted up with a smile similar to Fenan's and began the journey home. They both know they'd see the other again.

Arthur continued to visit Fenan in the forest and their bond grew evermore stronger beyond the point of friendship so it was not surprising when Fenan became pregnant. They were both overjoyed but also scared because the head of Fenan's village would not approve of such a happening. They planned a secret wedding and only Arthur's mother, Miriam, and Fenan's brother Svendel would be attending. On one particular day Arthur and Fenan were supposed to meet in secret to plan for the wedding. As Fenan approached their secret meeting spot she smelled blood. She quickly drew her double kilij for protection and crept towards the place they had first met. When she got their she dropped her double kilij in shock. Lying there was Arthur covered in blood next to to equally covered wolves. She ran over to him as tears streamed from her eyes. She knelt beside him and felt his pulse. He was nearly gone and there was nothing she could do. He opened his eyes and gave her a weak smile and then scrunched them up in pain and grimaced.

He opened them again attempted weakly to lift his hand. She noticed something in his hand and took it. It was a white crescent-shaped pedant. He point to her stomach and she understood immediately. It was for her baby, their baby. She just nodded and he mouthed I love you. She just cried harder as he closed his eyes and his breathing stopped. She stayed there for hours crying and screaming for him to come back. Never had she felt such despair. It was like part of her, no half of her had just died. She wanted to die herself. Then she remembered that her life was not the only one dependent on her well-being. With great difficulty, she returned home. She was ridden with grief for days but she showed great strength in keeping it together for her daughter.

Four months later she gave birth to a little girl and named her Sylvia, Sylvia Palinor. She named her the name Arthur had wanted for her in memory of him. That night, under the full moon, Fenan placed the necklace Arthur made for her around Sylvia's neck. Sylvia was kept secret for three months until Fenan thought it was time she faced her tribe. The Tethinrhim leader did not take to kindly to a half-elf living within his tribe. After much persuasion and begging from his mate, he agreed to allow her to remain with the Tethinrhim. However he refused to have her soul name tattoed on her person. However the spiritual leader of the tribe agreed to do a reading in secret forth knowledge of the soul belongs to all.

As Sylvia grew older she did not get along well with other elven children because was easily noticeable she was different with her Nor'sidian hair and her ears that were not nearly as pointed as the other children's. It grew so bad she was starting to get death threats so her mother decided to keep her at home. when she was eighteen, her mother began training her in swordsmanship. She started off with wooden swords then after a month of training, she gave Sylvia her double kilij. Fenan also gave her her cooran'loh and spent many months training her how to balance while using them to attack.

When Sylvia was thirty years old she set off to find her calling in the world. One day, as she was walking in the wood, Sylvia heard whimpering. She set off to find the source. In some underbrush, she found an injured mithral wolf. She stayed with him in that area for a few weeks until her was healed. He wouldn't stop following her once he was better so she decided to bring him with her and named him Ilarol Vir. She found it fairly easy to train him to follow simple commands and he even hunted for the both of them. On the third day that they had been traveling, Sylvia was attacked by a man with a black mask who looked like an executioner. He wielded a large broad sword. Ilarol Vir, sensing his Mistress was in danger immediately attacked the man, scratching and biting him. This distracted the man long enough that Sylvia recovered and drew her double kilij. She commanded her beloved wolf to stand down. This was her fight and she didn't want him to get hurt.

They clashed for what seemed like ages but Sylvia was clearly the better swordsman. It seemed like she would win but the masked man had other plans. He blocked a double slash from her and took advantage of the opening she left by kicking her to the ground. He thought he'd won. He was dead wrong. Sylvia clicked her boots together, activating her cooran'loh. She skillfully balanced on her hands as she stabbed his arm. He cried out in pain but Sylvia wasn't done yet. She pushed off of the ground with some effort and spun in the air while at the same time she was cutting him. He staggered backwards in a daze. Sylvia landed lightly on her hands again and did a flip, stabbing his heart and puncturing his lung, killing him.

Some guards who had been patrolling the area from the nearby city of Marcogg burst through the bushes to the road she was on. They took one glance at Sylvia, one glance at the now dead masked man, and one glance at each other before the man who appeared to be the leader pulled out a medium sized pouch, and tossed it to Sylvia. Sylvia, who had now sheathed her double kilij and deactivated her cooran'loh, caught it with ease. When she opened it she found gold and they quickly explained that it was for the bounty and she decided that was her calling in the world, to punish those who committed crime. Getting paid for it was a bonus. The guards politely escorted her to the nearby city of Marcogg and paid for her room at an inn. As they left they tipped their hats to her and one even winked at her. She sent him a glare and turned to the rest and smiled while thanking them. They departed immediately and Sylvia decided to look around for awhile. She came across a merchant selling a Koroch Fey Mol horse. She added her to her plan to become a bounty hunter, thinking she would need her to travel swiftly. She named her Mesa and decided to set off the following day to hunt a bounty she had discovered while eavesdropping on two guards who were standing in front of a bounty hunter. He was known for being an evil mage and has a record of many serious crimes and misdemeanors ranging from murder to petty thievery. She headed back to her room for the rest of the day deciding that she would need all of her stamina for this hunt. This is a fairly large paragraph, Sylvia. You might like to break it into two ... maybe after 'Getting paid for it was a bonus.' might be a good place for the break. I like the way you integrated my suggestion regarding her lack of literacy.

The following morning, Sylvia set out from Marcogg in search of Elrid the Terrible. She had no leads so she decided to travel until she reached a village. One week later, Sylvia stopped at a small village and began to ask around. Most people were very uncooperative, but she ran into a fragile old woman whose leg had been burned by dark magic. Sylvia had Ilarol Vir get the scent of it so they could track Elrid down. Sylvia thanked the old woman and quickly left on Mesa, letting Ilarol lead the way.

Sylvia found him four days later, sitting by a fire at night. She kept a distance of one hundred peds and tethered Mesa to a tree and whispered in her ear to stay quiet. Mesa, being a highly intelligent horse, obeyed. Sylvia then instructed Ilarol Vir to stay put and guard Mesa. She then crept silently toward the camp the evil mage had made. Sylvia now squatted in the bushes surrounding his camp. She quickly thought of a way to catch him unawares as to avoid him using any spells against her. She quickly pulled padding from her bag and silently strapped them to her feet. Next, she drew her double kilij and locked them together into one sword. With her other hand, she grabbed a rock and lobbed it to the opposite side of the circle of bushes, creating noise.

Elrid quickly stood and went to inspect the disturbance. He now had his back to her. Sylvia charged out of the bushes behind him, the padding silencing her steps. With one swift motion, she beheaded him. As he fell to ground dead, a horrible burning sensation spread throughout her entire person. She woke up ten minutes later with memories of the horrible burning and a lock of purely white hair. A mark of a curse. She stood up and collected the head of Elrid, wrapping it in cloth. She went and found Mesa asleep and Ilarol still standing his watch over her in his defensive stance. Sylvia mounted Mesa and gave the command for Ilarol to follow.

Two weeks later Sylvia arrived back in Marcogg and collected her reward. Sylvia still hunts bounties to this day and has made a name for herself as the bane of wrongdoers.

Weapons:
Double Kilij: Sylvia wears her double kilij a inside of leather casing in the shape of an X. They are dyed painted would be better here ... and don't forget about the small letter n for nor'sidian. Nor'sidian for stealth and are sharpened daily by Sylvia as they are a gift from her mother and are well cared for by her. These are her main weapons in combat and she has fairly decent skill with them. She likes these twin swords because of their convenient ability to attack and defend simultaneously.

Cooran'loh: These small twin blades are attached to Sylvia's boots on the inside and pop in and out easily. These are similarly cared for as the Sylvia's double kilij and are also a gift from her mother. These weapons are used as a last resort and she has decent skill with them but it has become more difficult to use them since she has been cursed. She likes these weapons because they can save her life at times by using the element of surprise.

Belongings:
Double Kilij
Two spare outfits identical to her current clothing
Crescent moon pendant
Water skins
Supplies for horse care
Cloth
Cooking materials
Outdoor bedding
Saddle
Saddle bags
Emergency rations
Maps of Santharia
Money bag

Familiars:

Name: Ilarol Vir

Age: 5 (Acquired at age 52 when he was 2 years old.)

Gender: Male

Breed: Mithral Wolf

Appearance: Ilarol Vir stands at two fores and two palmspans high, is one ped and three fores long, including his tail, and weighs one pygge and one heb. Most of his height is in his graceful legs which allow him to run swiftly. He has a pelt that sparkles in the moonlight, being the color of Barsadusk. He has a streak of Ithild running down his back and spots of the same color on his sides. His mask is of the same color as is the tip of his tail. He has black rings surrounding his Uderza blue eyes, giving him the impression of heavily applied eyeliner. His legs, along with his underbelly are Cy'hallowian snow. The inside of his ears are Mercoral, which are shaped like isosceles triangles with rounded tips.

Personality/Temperament: Ilarol is friendly only to Sylvia, and is highly distrusting of any others. He is boundlessly loyal to Sylvia alone and will trust only her and respond only to her commands. He is highly intelligent and crafty. By nature he is cold but he is warm for Sylvia for caring for him in the forest.


Name: Mesa

Age: 7 (Acquired at age 52 when she was 4 years old.)

Gender: Female

Breed: Koroch Fey Mol horse.

Appearance: Mesa stands at 13.5 hands and weighs one pygge, eight hebs, one od, and four mut. Her coat is Nor'sidian, as are her rather large intelligent eyes. She has a long mane and her pelt gives off a shine in the right light.

Personality/Temperament:
Mesa has grown attached to Sylvia over the years and is quite fond of her. She is not very brave and will run from trouble the first chance she gets. She is intelligent and understands most of what Sylvia attempts to convey to her. She is not very clever or crafty and is kind to most people.

I think you are very close to approvals, Sylvia. Once you include your additional details regarding her personality I'll have a better idea for you. The biggest two suggestions I'd make are

1) Try to use descriptive words of Sylvia and her parents in some sentences so that you aren't using their names, he and she so often. That is more a stylistic thing more than anything, and it gives the writing more variety.

2) The colours when used in sentences should have small letters, if it isn't starting the sentence. In the same way you wouldn'y say 'Sylvania's Black coloured hair was tied back in a bun' it isn't really right to say 'Slyvania's Nor'sidian coloured hair was tied back in a bun' ... in both cases, the colour would have a small letter to start the words off.

In any case, good work on persevering with this. I hope my comments are helpful to you.

Dek


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 11, 2009, 09:32:23 PM
*Hands Dek large platter of freshly baked cookies* I will be adding your comments this afternoon as well. Thankyou for the help you've given me. :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Thodin Coldflame Lomin on August 11, 2009, 10:05:37 PM
Alright Sylvia you've been looking for comments so I'll help you out a little and share some of my not so mystic wisdom  :grin:. Corrections and comments will be made in this charming gold color, cool?  :thumbup:

Name: Sylvia Palinor

Soul Name: Quael Eferan Efer

Age: 55 (knowledge 50 years and appearance 35 years.)

Gender: Female

Race: Half-elf

Tribes: Elf Tethinrhim; Human Avennorian

Overview: A Half-elf who is how about inserting a considered here? outsider to most, terror to many, and friend to but a few. Sylvia has sharp features and flowing Nor'sidian hair with a single cy'hallowian snow coloured lock in just a note, saying "the front" here could mean any number of things, you might want to be more specific if possible. the front. She has a strong, lithe build, and is fairly skilled with two weapons: the double kilij, and cooran'loh. She dresses in Saying "all black clothing" sounds awkward, perhaps "in an array of sold black..." would work better here. all black clothing and wears a white crescent moon pendant, tied to string around her neck, made by her father. She has what people call a truly short fuse and is constantly haunted by the ghost that is not knowing her father. This last sentence here is a little strange. Rewording is needed for everything after the 'and' in this sentence.

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Title: Fiery Huntress.

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, and 1 Nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Ods, and 3 Mut

Eye Color: Hazel

Hair Color: Nor'sidian with one Cy'hallowian snow lock in the front.

Appearance: Sylvia has skin the color of realm beige, moderately pointed ears,I honestly don't believe that teeth are capable of glistening, and this may have been mentioned before but I believe they tend to shine more than glisten :) glistening white teeth, half-full lips the color of Aeruillin red, a sharp nose, and somewhat slanted eyes. Her complexion is almost flawless, except for a small scar right above her eye. She has an exceedingly graceful and toned build, and is moderately curvy and fairly lithe. She has a black crescent shaped birthmark on her forehead and a calculating look in You doubled a her here so please get rid of one. her her eyes. Her lips are usually set in a hard, firm line and she rarely laughs or smiles unless she is among her friends. Her hair is always worn down and is usually in her face, giving an exotic effect to her intense hazel eyes. I'm no expert on hair cuts, but wouldn't this mean that she has bangs? So could you not have said earlier that a lock of her bangs is a cyhalloi snow color? XP

Dress: She wears a long-sleeved tunic, long leggings, and boots that reach half-way up her calves, all the color of nor'sidian. The boots are made from fine leather and are difficult to wear down,This just seems to be randomly thrown in so can I suggest finding a better place spot for this? are comfortable, and good for travel. Her leggings and tunic are made from cotton, and fit not too loosely or tightly so as not to affect her in combat, Again this seems to be just randomly thrown in. and are light. The pattern of a Cy'hallowian snow-colored pentagram inside of a congruently colored circle is sewn into the right shoulder of her tunic. Inside of the pentagram, is the elvish writing of her soul name, sewn in the color of Aeruillin red.[color] You have this random color sitting here please delete it.

So those are my comments when I give this a once over. I hope they help you out, and good luck on getting your character approved, it looks like you have one hell of a CD already and I look forward to seeing it completed :)  :thumbup:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 12, 2009, 12:35:40 PM
Comments integrated and ready for business! *Hands Thodin plate of freshly baked cookies* Thanks Thod! :grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 12, 2009, 02:07:20 PM
Ok. I could sit here and go through this like an English teacher and point out all the major mistakes which could be cleaned up to make this easier to read, but it is all part of the learning experience which I hope you will take to heart. Look upon this as a journey and take advice from other's writings as they display themselves.

Watch how they construct their sentences and where they place their commas. What types of words they use and the number of pronouns they use at any given point. Some advice from someone who has been there and done that.

~First Approval~


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 12, 2009, 02:19:37 PM
I will take it to heart, as I aspire to be a great author someday. Thankyou for the approval! I will keep working to improve my writing. You have been a great influence on my writing and, in my opinion, have made me a better writer.  Thankyou for everything! :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 13, 2009, 11:53:16 AM
Changes made and ready for second approval and or comments. :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 13, 2009, 12:36:38 PM
Changes made and ready for second approval and or comments. :)

Sylvania,

Please do these additional changes you've made in a different colour to the ones you have already used, to make it easier for us.

Thanks.

Edit: Sorry, I realised my original comment wasn't communicated well here, or it might have come across as being nasty, so I reworded it slightly.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 13, 2009, 12:51:23 PM
This ok Dek?


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 13, 2009, 12:54:12 PM
Yes, thanks Sylvia.

Now, hopefully this'll be the final check before I give you the 2nd approval you've been craving.

There were a few things on looking through your CD that need to be adjusted and fixed up. Nothing major ... I could probably give you a 2nd approval now on the condition you fix them up :D

1 ... Overview ...
Quote
She dresses in an array of solid and wears a white crescent moon pendant, tied to string around her neck made by her father.

I think you are missing a word in there just after 'solid' ... I think it might have been a colour ... possibly nor'sidian.

2 ... Personality ...

(Opinion of Religion)
Quote
Sylvia was brought up to believe that all religion is rubbish, odd for one who was brought up with an elven background.

(Opinion of Magic)
Quote
Sylvia has always been interested in magic, but has never been given the opportunity to learn it.

3 ... Double Kilij ...
Quote
Fighting style: Sylvia has developed her own unique fighting style. It is divided into two styles.
If I were you, I'd consider changing two styles in the second sentence to two forms. I found it a bit confusing that a fighting style can be divided into two styles :D.

If you do that, you'll need to change the style into form into the following paragraphs as well ... it might also need some reworked phrases as well ... for example:

Quote
Dance of the Moon: This is the form that Sylvia will use when fighting a large group. It is a defensive form in which Sylvia will have her swords crossed like an X, and her legs are spread shoulder width. It derives it's name from the way Sylvia will stay in a circular area with a circumference of approximately five fores. This helps her establish a dominance in a fight, letting her control the enviornment, while she defends against a number of attacks while waiting for an opening to strike.

Dance of Burning Fury: This is the form Sylvia uses in one-on-one fights. It is an offensive form in which Sylvia holds her swords together in the shape of a triangle. It derives it's name from the way Sylvia will attack relentlessly and aggressively while returning to the triangular position after every attack to block. This givves her opponents very little room to make an attack so Sylvia may establish a dominance over her opponent in controlling most of their movements. It's name is also derived from the way this particular way of attack works better if Sylvia is slightly angry. If she becomes too angry, she may make a mistake and she works relentlessly to keep her temper under wraps with little success.

4 ... Cooran'loh ...
Quote
Fighting style: Sylvia uses her cooran'loh in a series of flips, spinning and stabbing motions to render her opponents incapacitated. She is not skilled as well with this weapon as she is with the cooran'loh.

I think that last word is meant to be Double Kilij.

I will give you your 2nd approval on the condition that you fix up those points that I've raised above with you. While there are other things in the CD that could be fixed up ... you have worked hard at this.

So ... here's your 2nd approval ... just fix up those 4 things I raised.

Congratulations


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 13, 2009, 03:55:53 PM
All fixed. :) Thankyou for the approval. I would like to thank everyone who has commented on my CD and those who have helped me. Without you, this would be pure crap. You have made me a better writer. Thankyou! :grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 13, 2009, 04:05:08 PM
Well done, Sylvania.

Thanks for making those last four changes. I've changed the icon to 5 - Ready for titling.

There is one last thing for you to do before that happens ... and that is to remove the unwanted colours. That would probably be the green and the blue.

So there you go ... congratulations.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 13, 2009, 04:12:31 PM
Thankyou! :)


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 13, 2009, 04:31:15 PM
All unwanted color gone, I think.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 13, 2009, 11:55:08 PM
Alrighty! Congratulations dear! Titled and Archived.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on August 29, 2009, 10:36:41 AM
Brought Up as Requested.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 29, 2009, 10:53:33 AM
Ok, that didn't take long. I gave it a quick once-over, and fixed some tiney, tiney grammatical and spelling errors. I also changed my title, if that's ok, and put the proper name for my horse, as Alt (thankyou) so kindly pointed out. So if you please, take a quick look, and let's get this CD rearchived!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 29, 2009, 06:22:01 PM
Quote
Opinions of religion: Sylvia was brought up to believe that all religion is rubbish, odd for one who was brought up with an elven background. She has formed her own ideals that the world just simply is, some things go beyond out understanding, and one should not question these things. She does not take too kindly to anyone trying to force their religion on her and will promptly walk away, or tune them out.
Why has she abandoned the faith of her heritage? You say she has, but not why.

Opinions of music: Sylvia enjoys stopping at numerous taverns to listen to music. Her favorite genre of music is classical, because of the flowing nature of it and how it represents life to her. Life continues to flow on and on, awing many with its numerous changes and beauties before it comes to either a gentle, or a loud, spectacular end, just like a classical song. She will gladly pay any bard a fair price to play a classical tune.
Santharia doesn't exactly have "genres" of music yet, so perhaps explain "classical" without the term, as this can also be a broad term.

Opinions of magic: Sylvia has always been interested in magic, but has never been given the opportunity to learn it. She finds it very fascinating and understands its potential to be used for good. She plans to eventually attend the academy at Ximax one day to quench her curiosity, and to decide if she will pursue a path of magic before resuming her job as a bounty hunter.
I don't understand the last part of the last sentence.  


Even if you are doing grammar cleanups, colouring any major changes is appreciated.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 30, 2009, 10:03:51 AM
Ok thankie for the comments Kali, and I have finished intergrating them. Now, any more comments, suggestions from anyone? Feel free! If not...activate rearchivization mode. :grin:


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on September 05, 2009, 08:15:57 AM
Sylvia, I've just got three small comments for you prior to me giving you an approval ...

1/ Opinions of religion: Sylvia was brought up to believe that all religion is rubbish, odd for one who was brought up with an elven background. The reason for this, is that, after her father's death, her mother lost faith in all of the gods.

Why did her father's death result in her mother losing faith in all of the gods? I think that needs to be explained further ... at the moment it just reads as though its been tacked in ... and I know you can do better than that, Sylvia. :D

2/ Opinions of magic: Sylvia has always been interested in magic, but has never been given the opportunity to learn it. She finds it very fascinating and understands its potential to be used for good. She plans to eventually attend the academy at Ximax one day to quench her curiosity. If she did this, and she found a way to make a living with this talent, she would abandon her job as a bounty hunter and pursue a career that allows her to express her true nature.

I would just like to suggest a slight rewording in that last sentence for you to consider ... instead of 'If she did this ...' consider 'If she studied magic ...'

3/ You've mentioned under the 'Opinions of music' that she 'enjoys stopping at numerous taverns to listen to music.' Yet, I note that there is no mention of this in the history section ... as it is something that she enjoys doing, I'd like you to describe at least one instance of this happening in her history ... it doesn't need to be long ... just a short paragraph would be sufficient. :D

Attend to those, and I'll give you an approval ... I'll just go in and change your icon to the !.


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on September 05, 2009, 09:01:59 AM
There we go! All finished. I hope all is satisfactory! :) Opened to approvals and comments! :thumbup: :P


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on September 05, 2009, 10:49:15 AM
Thanks for attending to those things, Sylvia, it all looks fine to me, so I'll give you a First Approval!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on September 05, 2009, 10:54:13 AM
Yay! Thanks! It goes a lot faster once you've been through it before. :D


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on September 09, 2009, 12:24:26 PM
Go ahead and remove the colour. We can get ya in and out here.

Everything seems to be in order Second Approval


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on September 12, 2009, 06:30:04 AM
All done! :grin: I think I got all of the nasty evil color out of my CD that was barring it from the most esteemed archives.  ;) There you go. Feel free to send it off whenever!


Title: Re: Sylvia Palinor/Half-elf Tethinrhim and Avennorian/Bounty Hunter
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on September 16, 2009, 10:00:17 PM
Retitled and Archived