Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters 2009 => Topic started by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 13, 2009, 11:16:43 AM



Title: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 13, 2009, 11:16:43 AM
Picture:
(http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee204/Shenbay/Ohenmaroriginalnologo.jpg)

 

Name: Ohénmár Celeste

Gender: Female

Age: 17 years, about 13 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race: Elves/Human

Tribe: Ylfferhim/EyelianEagle clan

Occupation: Horse Groomer

Title: Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color: Cyhalloian Snow

Eye Color: Sognastheen Green

Physical Appearance: Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them appear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half-human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half-human, her ears are as pointed as any of the elves. She is about one ped, two fores tall and one pygge, three hebs in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. They are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are glossy black[/color] leather and are quite sturdy. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of silver stems. Her warrior outfit is skintight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is smart, creative, and thoughtful. She often plays her flute under the moon, and as she does she thinks about things.

She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse. She loves water in any shape or form. Preferring coldness to heat, she likes night better than day, and it makes her feel more awake. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
  
Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She also sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, and all feathered and furry animals are her friends. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers.

Strengths
Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. When people tell her a fact she holds on to it and never forgets it. She can analyze a situation in a few seconds and hold her own when it comes to making decisions.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. This is a useful skill when she needs to get across a deep river, as long as the current isn't too strong. Since she doesn't mind getting wet, this mean she doesn't have to travel to a bridge.

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. This means she knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle or for hunting, but she can hit the bullseye about seven peds one fore away. At most it would be an emergency defense.

Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with most any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers. They can help her by calling out in alarm, warning her that danger is near, or just keeping her company. As a horse groomer, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befriend them.
Plays the flute: When she plays it can be beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, she often gets compliments. She doesn't play any songs already made, even though she could, but she prefers to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Every time she plays it is different. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song they often exchange bits of news.

Weaknesses
Youth: Because she is young, she feels she is sometimes looked down on. Often she feels people want to take advantage of her or even just ignore her. Some don't take her seriously which makes it hard for her to talk to people. It also means she is afraid of being targeted by thieves, so she never goes out alone at night.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father, so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him. Her whole life, including where she goes and how long she stays there, revolve around finding him.

Cocky: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them. This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill, such as with a bow and arrow.
Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit. It doesn't help when she starts feeling sorry for herself, and sulks in a corner away from everyone else. This makes her seem antisocial, which only makes it harder for her to make new friends. Sometimes she doesn't even bother to talk to people, just sits in a corner.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother, Crsinis Featherfriend Yourth, the village healer, went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. She was tall and proud, with a curved figure, and her eyes were a haunting blue. She had brown hair, highlited from many days out in the sun. Ohénmár's father, Háltelór Celeste, had deep green eyes, and was also tall, even for the Ylfferhim. He wore his hair in a braid, which was so white it was almost silver. Háltelór saw her in the forest and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. As Háltelór traveled a lot on business, it was decided Ohénmár would stay with Crisinis. And so, for sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. Her father traveled often as he was a merchant, so she didn't see him that often. She has few memories of Háltelór's home in the forest, though he occasionally came to visit Ohénmár and her mother. As she grew up she went exploring near her village and swam in the river, sometimes following it to the ocean. She climbed trees, found caves, and climbed over rocks. She didn't go alone, though. Often she went with other children from the village.  
  
She practiced with the bow and arrow almost every day. A man from the village helped, and taught her how it worked and occasionally gave her pointers. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone, setting up targets of different size. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. She could not find the cat after that, but supposed it was wild and happier that way. Even so it is part of the reason that she loves animals so much. It is also the reason she is so afraid of fire that she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
  
   A boy from out off town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawl up on her bed, or buzzing around her head. Just when she would drift off to sleep, one would buzz in her ear waking her up. This made it hard to sleep, and she would go into another room. She did not tell her mom, as Ohénmár knew she would just say she should not be afraid of bugs. She eventually caught the boy in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours her mother came and broke up the fight. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, the boy was more beat up than she was. Ohénmár never saw him again. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
  
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking her few belongings, including a silk dress and a saphire bracelet, with her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. So she found occasional work in various villages as a groomer, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and cities, watching from afar. She has been searching for almost a year now, but stopped by her mother's house for her 17Th birthday so she wouldn't celebrate alone. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.
Weapons: A bow and arrows, she has only limited training, able to hit the center of a target about 25 fores away with good accuracy, and a basic understanding of how it works. Both bow and arrows are made of wood, with the bow carved to have leaves winding around it. The bow has a drawweight of 50 od, and the arrows she uses have three feathers about 7 nailsbreath long.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies.It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.


Title: Re: My CD
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 13, 2009, 11:39:44 AM
Spaces between paragraphs, please. :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 14, 2009, 02:19:24 AM
Ok, I did that, and made a few changes.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 14, 2009, 02:37:07 AM
The first thing you'll want to do then is change the icon back to Char Status 2- Comments Welcomed! (The yellow exclamation mark)

However, to save us the time I'll go right ahead and give this a look over. As it is your CD is about as skeletal as they come. There is no meat here. We want to be able to see your character, regardless of whether or not there is a portrait to go with this. We want detail. Everywhere.
Your spelling leaves something to be desired in some cases.
I'm not all too knowledgeable about magic, but I can tell you that "being stronger when she's in or near water" is not how it works. I'm quite sure you can't store magical energy in gemstones either, but I'll leave that up to the folks with the expertise.

You are also missing a tribe for your human side. Yes, the humans have tribes too. I tell you now: Tribes are not names you pick out of a hat. There will have to be an explanation for why your character's mother met her father. You as the writer will know this, even if your character doesn't. Amnesia or simply "not knowing" are never excuses here.

So, fix up what I've mentioned above, and then put that exclamation mark back up. We'll see how far it's gotten.

Enjoy writing your CD,


Valan Nonesuch


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 14, 2009, 12:44:13 PM
Ok, I added so more detail, though I may need to add more. I did a spelling check as well. I changed that part about magic, because I read the magic section and your right (,not that I didn't beleive you). I added a tribe that is close to the forest where Ylfferhim come from (can't remeber name of the forest at moment).


EDIT: Also added a protrait!


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Sir Ruil Mallister on July 14, 2009, 03:23:55 PM
Here's a good jumping on thread for mages. (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?topic=4477.0)

I hear it comes highly recommended.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on July 14, 2009, 03:52:42 PM
Hi Ohénmár,

I'm here to give your CD a check. I don't know much about the magic section, but I can go through and check the rest of the CD for you. I'll make my comments for you in lime green.

Name:Ohénmár

Gender:Female

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race:Elves/Human

Tribe:Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Race:Elves/Human

Occupation:Healer, uses water magic

Title:Water Spellcaster

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Occupation:Healer, uses water magic

Appearance

Height:1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:Sognastheen Green, but sometimes appear deep blue

Physical Appearance:My character is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. Her hair is white, with green eyes. One aspect of being half human is she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build.

It is good how you have used white and green in this part of Ohénmár's description. I would personally love to see a lot more description of Ohénmár. Are her arms and legs long or short? What about her hair? Is it long or short, wavy or straight? Does she have a birthmark anywhere on her body? With her using the sword and bow, does she have any kind of marks from practicing with these weapons? Also, please state Ohénmár's height and weight again in here, even if it is just to say something like that she is just over 1 ped, 2 fores tall and 1 pygge, 3 hebs in weight. Don't be afraid to use her name in here as well.

Clothing:Tight fitting blue silk dress of various shades. Also has a pale peach shirt and tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. Has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs.

Ohénmár, Please use full sentences when describing her clothing, and I'd like to see you use more description here as well. All you mention about the dress is that it is made of silk, blue, has various shades and is tight fitting. I would like to know more about the dress so I have a better idea of what it looks likeIs it a long dress or a short dress? Are the sleeves long or short? Describe the shirt and pants a bit more as well, long or short, what are the shirt and shorts made of, are they ripped or travel stained, that sort of thing. I'd imagine that travelling would be a bit hard on the feet, so does she have shoes of some kind? What about a cloak for when it is cold? Does she have pouches for money and similar things? Remember, you are using this to paint a picture of her for us through your words.

Personality:Cares about the suffering of others, which is why she became a healer. She is very smart and likes to think about things. At times she can be very quiet, but when with others loves to talk. She likes to think of herself as creative.

Once again, I would like to see a lot more details within your personality section, Ohénmár. What you have above is a good start, but I believe that you can expand the different aspects of her personality so that people have an idea of how she will behave in different circumstances. Her under estimating people, fears and likes could be mentioned in here as well.

Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths: Is very smart and learns quickly. She is an excellent swimmer and her magic appears to be very strong. She has a deep connection with nature and is very brave. Also she loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care far fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats.

Weaknesses: Dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it. Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them. Because she is young many look down on her. She quit her magical training at level 1 so it is not as strong as it could be, and as she is still looking for her father (see history) she hasn't had a chance to go to an elven school of magic.

Ok ... each of your strengths and weaknesses need to be listed individually so that the CD Moderators can ensure that your character is balanced. After listing a strength/weakness, you need to write a couple of sentences about the strength/weakness so the mods can see how beneficial/limiting it is to your character. You are comparing your character to a human peasant. Such people don't know how to fight, would only be able to count using their fingers and possibly be able to recognise the first letter of their name. Anything you can do better than such an individual would be a strength. Anything that limits you would be a weakness. I can't see you mention healing in this section at all. Based on your CD to this point, I see your strengths and weaknesses as being:

Strengths
Healer

Water Magic Level 1

Smart and Intelligent

Excellent Swimmer

Sword

Longbow

Loves Animals

Weaknesses
Youth

Hunting for her father

Under estimates people

Fear of Fire

In my opinion, Ohénmár is currently unbalanced and you would need to either 1) tone down the strengths, perhaps by taking out the sword and/or longbow (if she cares about the suffering of others, why would she have weapons with her that would cause more suffering?) or 2) beef up your weaknesses or 3) a combination of both.

Magic: Level 1, and of water. She can heal, help plants grow faster, and turn water to ice or steam to name a few abilities. Because of her connection to water she enjoys swimming.

Sorry to say this, but I'm confident that you will need a lot more detail than two lines regarding her skill in water magic. I'm not an expert on magic, but with other CDs I have have read that are magicians of one of the four elements, they have a lot more detail regarding their magic. Please read Water Magic School (http://www.santharia.com/magic/water_magic.htm) and Water Magic Spells (http://www.santharia.com/menus/magic.htm#W) to find out details about the water magic spells. Alternatively, you can check out CDs of approved water mages. I'll get back to you with some suggested CDs for you to look at.

History:Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human I'm curious about how they met. I'm also curious about where she was born.. For a while how long is a while? she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She studied water magic at Ximaxian Academy to become a level 1 mage. She quit her training and ran away when she couldn't stand living with her mother anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had little memory of his home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. So she worked on her magic in the forest, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

Ok ... good start, but even after 17 years of age, you should be able to write more than a paragraph on her history. Maybe explain in it about her fear of fire, of a time when people looked down on her because of her youth, times when she has fed animals, times when she has felt she was better than other people, an explanation as to how she got her dislike of fish and bugs. This history section is a way to tie together all the parts of your CD to help us see Ohénmár as a person. Consider describing one of the visits her father paid to Ohénmár and her mother, perhaps the one on which he gave her the sword. You will also need to describe the circumstances behind her getting the orb. Remember, Ohénmár the character may not know the purpose of the orb, but you as the writer knows it, and you need to tell the moderators what it is used for as well as part of your CD.

Weapons: Bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings:A orb that shifts in color from green to blue. It's purpose is kept a secret. She also has a flute that she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She also owns a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings.
These are good ideas, but if she can play music as well, that would need to be included as another strength, I believe. Don't forget to write it in full sentences, however.

Familiars: None in particular, but she often enjoys the company of any birds who happen to land on her shoulder or cats who have wandered away from home.  

Familiars are for animals etc that you have with you most of the time. The occasional bird that visits Ohénmár and the occasional cat doesn't need to be included here. It would need to be worked into your strengths section.


Ok ... this is a good start on your CD, Ohénmár, but I believe you will need more details in the majority of your sections in order for you to become an approved character. I believe you are currently unbalanced in the comparison of your strengths and weaknesses and that you are too young to have spent all that time with the sword and bow and be a healer and be a water mage.

Please consider the changes I've recommended in my review of your CD and ask if you have any questions. Make sure that you colour all the changes you make to your CD. Please be aware that my comments are only designed to help you in getting to the necessary approvals to be able to play in the stories here and are not meant to offend.

I'll be back to see how your CD continues to develop and please ask if you have any questions.

Dek.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Sir Ruil Mallister on July 15, 2009, 03:05:54 AM
Also note that "battle-mages" are banned.  I myself attempted to give Ruil access to two earth magic spells, and was ultimately shot down.  Unfortunately, you must choose between the magic or the mundane weapons. You can't have both, I'm afraid.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 15, 2009, 08:14:27 AM
I guess I should make her not a mage.... I really don't know enough abou it. oh well.  :(


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Water Spellcaster
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 15, 2009, 08:22:31 AM
Mages are quite complicated for first characters, hence we encourage first timers to stray away from magic until they are familiar with the Santharian World. If you would like to make a mage, I would be willing to help you in working that way, but it will be a project and take time. It is a unique concept which takes time to learn and understand so it can be played properly.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 15, 2009, 09:54:45 AM
Thanks, but I would rather she have weapons.

I added and changed a lot of details. I had to take anything that had something to do with magic. At least that means she has less strengths. Please read it now, it's a lot better. (atleast if you care)


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: fionn on July 18, 2009, 04:45:14 AM
Of course we care, Ohenmar! My comments will be in yellow.

Name:Ohénmár Does she have a second name?

Gender:Female

Tribe:Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Race:Elves/Human

Title:Wanderer

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Occupation:Anything that needs doing, to earn money. From cleaning out the stables to searching for a lost toy.

Appearance

Height:1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths you don't have to be quite as precise as this, if you don't want.  :)

Weight:1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color: Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color: Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they  appear deep blue.

Physical Appearance:Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes. One aspect of being half human is she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She is about 1 ped tall and 1 pygge in weight. What does her face look like? Not her eye and hair colour, we know that already. but what's her smile like? pointed ears visible? prominent nos or not? What you've got is good, but I'd like to know more about small details like this.

Clothing: She has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue spilk <the Santharian equivalent dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. Also has a loose pale peach shirt and long (not to mention dirty) tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. They are very comfortable. She normally  wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit (on my protrait) is brown and silver (grey) with gold lines, skin tight armor.She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, (and to look cool).

Personality: Ohenmar  cares about the suffering of others, especially  after seeing so much sadness. She is very smart and likes to think about things. At times she can be very quiet, but when with others<comma loves to talk. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afriad of fire but loves water. She prefers night to day, cold to heat, and sunrise to sunset. She sometimes feels she is better than  others. This is because  she is very smart. Infact, sometimes kids her own age, wether elf or human, can't seem to understand what she is saying, or even care about learning anything about  the world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness  when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She is often surprised to find that some people are very clever in ways she is not.
That's a very good personality section, well done. :)

Strengths:
Sorry, I dunno if you've been told this already, but it helps if you can separate out your strengths and weaknesses so that each one is described under its own heading. that way it's much easier to see how each one affects her individually. Personally, I find it easier to write that way, too. ;) in your case, for example, your first strength might look like this:
Smart and Intelligent
Is very smart and learns quickly. plus atleast a couple more full sentences which say in what way she is smart, and how she uses this in every day life.

Excellent Swimmer

Sword

Longbow

Loves Animals

Plays the flute

 She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summers swimming  in the ocean and in the river. She has a deep connection with nature and is very brave. Also she loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats.

Weaknesses: Same again here, really.
Youth
I think this is likely to be your biggest weaknes - people don't expect to meet a girl out on her own, weilding two kindsa weapons. She's likely to face quite a few problems both from people wanting to help and to take advantage of her. That's just something to bear in mind, though, not a proper comment.

Hunting for her father

Under estimates people

Fear of Fire

Often Lonely

Dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it. Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them. Because she is young many look down on her. She is still looking for her father (see history) so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him. Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

History:Her parents were of different races, her father an elf her mother a human. For 16 years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday infact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her. She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud.
Being independent, she often went to practice  alone. where? you say it's a building, but was it her house or what? While practicing one day, there was a fire where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved  by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afriad of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him  in the act and demanded  to know why he did it. "Because you're  a freak," he told her, "You're  not even human!" He laughed, and she slammed into him him outraged. After drawing attention from the neigbors and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularily liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too  much like bugs.
She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the  sword. So she found occasional  work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she beleives is  right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings:A orb that shifts in color from green to blue. It's purpose is kept a secret. Actually, even she doesn't know what it is. She found it in the river one day while she was swimming. She found that it gives off light and heat when it's cold and dark, a great use when she is to afraid to make a fire. It actually was made by a mage and was lost in the river one day when he slipped and fell. It was carried downstream where Ohénmár found it. Maybe it was fate! She also has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings. It is completely died cotton, (blue of course,) and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Familiars: None

A nice start, Ohenmar, well done. You need to reread and tweak a few bits, but I was impressed by the way you've put together a character with a proper, well rounded personality. Good work. :grin:


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 19, 2009, 05:28:04 AM
Thanks! And for the part where you asked what building she practiced, I went ahead and said she practiced in an empty warehouse. Those do exsist right? I mean in most fantasy places they seem to have them, but I want to check.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on July 19, 2009, 06:58:46 AM
An empty warehouse would probably not stay empty for long. The function of a warehouse in medieval eras would be to hold things before they were put on a ship. Ergo, it might be empty for a while, but eventually they'd fill it back up. The goods must move after all. You'd be better off with a derelict shack or an abandoned house somewhere (perhaps an old farmstead?).

We do have silk. Spilk is a Nybelmarian fabric (Krean specifically) spun by spiders (Spider silk, the word itself is a portmanteau) and it is no longer produced. Silk will do fine.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 20, 2009, 07:14:55 AM
Thanks! I changed it to abandoned warehouse, so it would have some stuff in it, which makes more sense if she couldn't find a way out.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on July 20, 2009, 07:55:44 AM
One quick note, your personality section is only one paragraph. You might want want to explore a variety of things because your character will be caught in plethoras of different situations as you RP. You say she is quiet at times, and don't go n to explain why. Is she mellodramatic about things. If she's seen sadness, what is her idea of sadness? How does she interpret the events that unfold before her, how much willpower does she posses, and why is it that she prefers the cold, dark, and damp to other conditions? You kind of just dropped in weak inklings of thought without concrete details. Lmao, i sound like an English teacher right now. Just tell me if I ever sound condescending, and i'll be happy to oblige and tone my suggestions down.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 22, 2009, 03:53:49 AM
No, it is totally fine with me. I added more details to my personality. Thank's everyone!


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on July 22, 2009, 07:06:39 AM
Hi and welcome from me again, Ohénmár. Another round of comments from me are on their way for you. Let's get started, shall we? I'll use red for my comments this time.

Before we get into it, instead of typing Half Elf Half Human in your Subject, would you mind writing Ylfferhim/Eyelian instead?



Name:Ohénmár

Gender:Female

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race:Elves/Human

Tribe:Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Occupation:Anything that needs doing, to earn money. From cleaning out the stables to searching for a lost toy.
Please make sure these items are in this order It makes it much easier for other players and story mods if these things are standard. Also, any chance you could shorten your occupation a bit, to two or three words? The Subject of your character should be Name/Tribe/Occupation. Your current occupation would make that a bit difficult. Just a thought I had with regards to a possible Occupation ... Jill of all trades.

Title:Wanderer
Any chance that you could make your title a bit more interesting than just Wanderer? Just describe what kind of Wanderer she is would be fine ... so she might be a Lonely Wanderer, or a Careful Wanderer, or Green Eyed Wanderer. If you could choose something to make it a bit more interesting than 'Wanderer', it would tell people at a glance what kind of person she is.

Appearance

Height:1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue

Physical Appearance:Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes. One aspect of being half human is she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half human, her ears are as pointed as any elf's. She is about one ped tall and one pygge in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long (not to mention dirty) tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. They are very comfortable. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit (on my portrait) is brown and silver (grey) with gold lines, skin tight armour. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, (and to look cool). I think it might look better if you attempted to incorporate the bracketed text in the flow of your clothing description.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen many things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things.  She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire but loves water. She prefers night to day and sunrise to sunset. She prefers coldness to heat, partially because of the fire, but mostly just because it makes her feel more awake. Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care.

   She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about learning anything about the world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She is often surprised to find that some people are very clever in ways she is not.

Strengths

Smart and Intelligent:She is very smart and learns quickly. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it. Sometimes, she will just sit down and think.

Excellent Swimmer:She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water.

Sword:It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.

Longbow:Ohénmár is very skilled at using the longbow, because she has practiced many hours with it.

Loves Animals:She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats.

Plays the flute:She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.

Weaknesses

Youth:Because she is young many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her, or give unnecessary, and annoying, help.

Hunting for her father:She is still looking for her father (see history) so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him.

Underestimates people:Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.

Fear of Fire:She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night.

Often Lonely:Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

These are an interesting set of strengths and weaknesses, Ohénmár. Story mods will be interested in knowing just how big an impact each of these will have on her in a story. So ... for example, as well as describing what the sword looks, also describe how good she is at using. Explain how Underestimates people will have a negative impact on her. For example, the Underestimates people may lead to her taking unnecessary risks in combat because she thinks she is much more skilled than them.

History:Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. For 16 years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her. She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud.

Being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.

A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.

She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings:A orb that shifts in color from green to blue. It's purpose is kept a secret. Actually, even she doesn't know what it is. She found it in the river one day while she was swimming. She found that it gives off light and heat when it's cold and dark, a great use when she is to afraid to make a fire. It actually was made by a mage and was lost in the river one day when he slipped and fell. It was carried downstream where Ohénmár found it. Maybe it was fate! She also has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings. It is completely died cotton, (blue of course,) and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Familiars: None If she doesn't have any familiars, there is no need to include this heading.


Thank you for your continued work on your CD, Ohénmár. I look forward to seeing how it continues to develop.


Title: Re: Ohénmár/Half Elf Half Human/Wanderer
Post by: Vesk Lyricahl on July 22, 2009, 07:13:29 AM
Let me make a few suggestions, if I may.

1. Her heritage is the first thing to catch my eye. Humans and elves rarely have children together, as such, more explanation as to how her parents met should be given. It will be more plausible to have her father meet her mother within the forest that is her home, as the elves of her mother's tribe remain fairly isolated.

2. I would caution against having her so skilled at her age. I think of an elf's learning as slower yet more in depth than that of a human, as a half-elf, she should be somewhere in the middle but still would not possess skills beyond that of a fourteen year old human. That she taught herself is another hindrance, it should take her longer learning on her own that it would with a teacher. I would suggest dropping one weapon entirely and possibly lowering her skill a bit with the other. A couple of ways to have more skill would be to either increase her age, give her a teacher, or both.

3. Her personality is a good start. I would just make one suggestion on how to flesh it out more. When reading through it, ask yourself "why?" about each trait and see if the reason behind the trait is included in the personality as well. If not, adding them will add detail nicely. A couple of examples would be her fear of fire and love of water. The fear is explained in her history but not in her personality, adding a line or two about the reason why to the personality as well would help define the character.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 22, 2009, 08:26:17 AM
Thank you! I couldn't think of anything better than Jill of All Trades for Occupation, so I did that. Also, from now on I am doing editing in red, because I have so much it now longer stood out.

*EDIT:Vesk Lyricahl, sorry I actually didn't see your comment until now. I made the changes. *Sigh* I wanted her to have a bow. Oh well...


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / The Fair-Haired Wanderer
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 22, 2009, 02:46:24 PM
You could say she is learning to use the bow, teaching herself, but explain she isn't very good and more than likely won't use it battle. Her sword being her first and ultimate choice of weapon.



Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 22, 2009, 03:01:42 PM
Would I still put a bow as an advantage? I'm guesing yes, so I'll go ahead and do it. Thanks again.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / The Fair-Haired Wanderer
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on July 22, 2009, 03:05:04 PM
You hadn't completely removed it from the CD, so this gives you a bit of an option. Again, she wouldn't have very good accuracy or skill with the bow.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 23, 2009, 01:22:48 PM
Of course. I put that she really only had basic training.

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Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / The Fair-Haired Wanderer
Post by: Sývaein Sorossa on July 23, 2009, 01:38:40 PM
I think that the issue is that we have no idea what "basic training" means. In one case, a human militiaman given a spear who had "basic training" would be considered proficient enough to understand that the pointy end of the stick was pointed away from you, how to march (maybe) who he took orders from (just to be safe) and how to possibly-maybe stab someone with the pointy end of the stick.

An elf with "basic training" with a bow would likely how to care for it, and themselves in order to use it properly, and how to shoot it with reliable accuracy, with a chance of understanding the actual process of making (though not skilled in making the bow themselves) the weapon, and perhaps some of the history surrounding the weapon.

On the other hand, a human with "basic training" would understand how to nock an arrow, pull the string back without the arrow falling off, to shoot it without hurting themselves (harder than it sounds) and hit a target perhaps the size of a dog, though they'd be more likely to miss.

It the elf longer would take longer than a human learning "basic training", but at the end of the day, the elf comes off better. I think what we'd want to know is Can you hit a tree (any tree, any one at all.) in the middle of a forest? Can you do better than that? How much better? Are you liable to injure yourself while shooting your weapon, either because you don't know how to use it (no form when shooting, dropping it on your foot etc) or because you don't have the experience (shaky/untrustworthy hands, poor maintenance of the weapon, etc.)?

Do we get the idea?


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / The Fair-Haired Wanderer
Post by: Lorek Bearfist on July 24, 2009, 03:35:19 AM
Name/Tribe/Occupation should be the only things in your subject line.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 24, 2009, 01:33:15 PM
That's all that's there. I have two tribes because she's half elf.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / The Fair-Haired Wanderer
Post by: Irid alMenie on July 24, 2009, 02:37:13 PM
He's talking about the last bit, the fair-haired wanderer. Wandering isn't exactly going to get you a lot of money, so it's not an occupation :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on July 24, 2009, 02:40:49 PM
Oh.
EDIT: is now changed.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 01, 2009, 03:56:01 AM
I hate to just bump the page without anything really important to say, but it's dangerously close to the bottom. Oh, if there was any confusion, when I said "Is now changed." I meant both the title and what Sývaein Sorossa said.


P.S. I got a frame!


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 02, 2009, 06:35:21 PM
Ok then ... sorry its taken me a couple of days to get onto this for you since I said I'd take a look ... I've had various real life things on my plate ... unexpected visitors, family portraits, doctor appointments, allergic reactions, that sort of thing.

Anyway, you don't want to hear about that, you want a review done on your CD ... my comments/corrections/suggestions will be done in gold this time.



Name:Ohénmár Any chance of a surname here?

Gender:Female

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race:Elves/Human

Tribe:Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Occupation:Stablehand

Title:The Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height:1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue Can you explain how her eyes appear deep blue at time? In the physical appearance bit would be a good place to explain that. If it is tied to her emotions instead of being simply a trick of the light or something, it would be good to include something about it in the personality section as well.

Physical Appearance:Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes. One aspect of being half human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half human, her ears are as pointed as any elf's. She is about one ped tall and one pygge in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling, which are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit, featured in my portrait is brown and silver with gold lines, skin tight armour. This last sounds confusing to me. I would suggest something like "Her warrior outfit is a skin tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines." I think the 'featured in my portrait' distracts the reader from the story you are telling. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen many things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger Is this anger part of what make her eyes appear to be deep blue at times? If so, consider making that that link clear here. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.She loves water and the rain. .Please take out this second period/full stop. A space before the start of that sentence would also be good. :D She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
   Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. I am curious as to why she feels like that. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything I think this is missing a word ... maybe 'outside' their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She is often surprised to find that some people really do know what they are talking about.
Your personality section reads well to me, apart from those few small little nickpicky issues I raised.

Strengths
Smart and Intelligent:She is very smart and learns quickly. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it. Sometimes, she will just sit down and think.

Excellent Swimmer:She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water.

Sword:It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it.

Longbow:She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

Loves Animals:She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats. you had a linebreak in there that I removed, please make sure you remove that linebreak when you come back to your CD, Ohenmar

Plays the flute:She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.

Weaknesses

Youth:Because she is young many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her, or give unnecessary, and annoying, help.

Hunting for her father:She is still looking for her father (see history)I would recommend removing the words in brackets ... people would go on and read your history. so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him.

Under estimates people:Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble.

Fear of Fire:She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. Consider including how this lack of a fire of a night impacts on her ... eg cold meals, no warmth on extremely cold nights etc

Often Lonely:Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

History: Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. The rest, as they say, was history. For 16 Please write out all of these small number (under 101) as words eg sixteen, fifteenth for example years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15Th capital t isn't needed there, change it for a small 't' birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.

She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword. He was, unofficially, her teacher. He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.

A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.

She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings:A orb that shifts in color from green to blue. It's purpose is kept a secret. Actually, even she doesn't know what it is. She found it in the river one day while she was swimming. She found that it gives off light and heat when it's cold and dark, a great use when she is to afraid to make a fire. It actually was made by a mage and was lost in the river one day when he slipped and fell. It was carried downstream where Ohénmár found it. Maybe it was fate! I don't this orb will be suitable, Ohenmar. I'll have to talk to the other mods and mini mods about it and get back to you on it. She also has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings. It is completely cotton that is dyed blue, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.


Most of what I raised with you were minor issues, Ohenmar. I think it is easier to read if you have a space after your : symbols. It also makes it easier if you leave a blank line between paragraphs.

Thank you for your continued work and cooperation on this ... I'm confident we'll be giving you your much sought after approvals soon.

Either myself or a mod, mini mod or administrator will be back to you with a decision regarding the orb.

Dek


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 03, 2009, 08:43:16 AM
Thank you! I made the changes. I didn't really know about the orb, but no one said anyhting, so I thought it was all right. Thanks, you are my first comment in a while. Yay!


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 03, 2009, 03:33:48 PM
What is the purpose of the orb? What part does it play? Artifacts (items of magic) are not allowed, as they are nearly impossible to balance on a character.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 04, 2009, 03:39:43 AM
I guese it was a magical item so I got rid of it.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 04, 2009, 12:24:49 PM
Oh do people like my portrait? I edited the color of the frame myself.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 04, 2009, 12:26:19 PM
My problem is the elemental frames were/are specially made for mage characters.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on August 04, 2009, 12:45:59 PM
That, and for approved characters, no?


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 05, 2009, 09:48:43 AM
I wasn't trying to be bad, either way I'll remove it if it matters.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Eléyr Fásamár on August 05, 2009, 10:26:52 AM
~steps in, bowing head apologetically~

I can put a plain gold one on if you would prefer it that way..  I only seek to please. :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 05, 2009, 10:34:57 AM
No I like it very much.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 05, 2009, 10:36:12 AM
Just keep in mind, you may be confused for a mage at first glance. This can be confusing for story moderators.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 05, 2009, 11:26:59 AM
Ok. I'll just have to make it clear I'm not a mage. What do you think of my CD?


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on August 06, 2009, 06:19:24 AM
Just out of curiosity, is the greater part of the CD meant to be coloured, or did you misplace a tag somewhere?

My only other question has to do with the appearance. You seem to have neglected the Eyelian half of your heritage beyond token references. I'd like to see you taking that into account a little more.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 06, 2009, 08:51:23 AM
Every colored part has been edited, because so much of it was edited there are two colors. I added a part in her personality about loving animals, which I should have done anyway, and said how it relates to Eyelians being beast tamers. I made it gold for you. :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 07, 2009, 04:54:24 AM
Oh, I would also like to say I'll be gone for the weekend, starting later today,so I won't be able to edit my CD, but feel free to comment and I'll make the changes when I get back.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on August 07, 2009, 09:55:32 AM
Hey Ohenmar, I have some comments for you in this color.


Name:(space)Ohénmár Celeste

Gender:(space)Female

Age:(space)17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge This isn't quite correct according to the Elven Age Calc. For 14 human years, your half-elf would be 19. Or if you wish to keep your elf 17 years old, she would have the appearance/skills of a 13 year old.)

Race:(space)Elves/Human

Tribe:(space)Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Occupation:(space)Stablehand

Title:(space)The Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height:(space)1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:(space)1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:(space)Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:(space)Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue

Physical Appearance:(space)Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them apear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half human, her ears are as pointed as any elf's. She is about one ped tall and one pygge in weight. Please be more specific when you are restating your height/weight. The difference between one ped and one ped, two fores is like the difference between 3'3" and 5'0". Same thing with the height. Please include the first two units from your more specific height/weight that you have written above.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling, which are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit is skin tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen many things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. If she is so young, how can she have already traveled so much? At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.(space)She loves water and the rain. She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
(space)
   Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She also loves animals, and they seem to love her back. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers.

Strengths


Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it. Sometimes, she will just sit down and think.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water.

Sword: It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it.

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

Loves Animals: She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't
particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.

Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her, or give unnecessary, and annoying, help.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken
up searching for him.

Under estimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble.

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

Please add much more detail to your S&W. Each one should be at least 3-4 complete, full sentences in length. You need to explain how each S&W affects her, and give specific examples of how this occurs.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. The rest, as they say, was history. Please explain, in significant detail, how her parents come to love each other. It is very strange for a 6'6" elf from a reclusive tribe to fall in love with a 4'11" human. Also, the Eyelians do not live that close to the Ylfferhim, so you cannot simply say that her mother met him while searching for herbs one day. A more creative solution is needed here, and I am confident you can come up with it.  For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.
(space)
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword. The sword is not a common weapon to the Eyelians, so I don't see how she could meet such a man in her own village. He was, unofficially, her teacher. He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
(space)
   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs. This seems very strange for someone who is raised in a nature-loving culture. I think you need to provide some more concrete reasons for why an Eyelian would be scared of these outdoor things.
(space)
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

You should also mention somewhere in her history which clan of the Eyelians she was raised in, since they each have different culutures.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies. It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Good work so far, and I wish you luck with this CD! :grin:


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 07, 2009, 10:39:38 AM
"They found the Thaehelvil River and followed it north until they come to a fork. There, on a grassy hillside they began to build their new homes. "  (A quote from the Eyelian page.)

This is near Quallan forest, infact very close. http://santharia.com/maps/medium/santharia.htm

I also wondered where I could find info on the different clans of the tribe, it is not mentioned on their page. I will start working on the other changes. Thank you!  :rolling:


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Morden Peshirgolz on August 07, 2009, 10:43:21 AM
Oops! My elfie knowledge is a bit rusty sometimes, and I thought for some reason this tribe was farther north. :P But you are right, my apologies. :azn:

The clans are listed in the Eyelian entry (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/eyelians.htm#People) under the People section, a couple of paragraphs into the section. Not a major point, but still something nice to keep in mind. :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 07, 2009, 12:03:11 PM
I changed it to the WIP posticon until the changes are integrated. Change to the "!" when the changes are made :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 11, 2009, 06:46:48 AM
Hello! This is the first chance i had to get on the computer. Sorry I didn't do the changes earlier, but I was gone. Anyways, all new changes are in gold.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 11, 2009, 04:10:12 PM
Alrighty. Let's see what we have here. From what I can tell, we are really close to titlement for you, and I have a couple of comments to make a bit more of a reality.

Quote
Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles<comma> and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water, and sometimes she wishes she could breathe under water. Just not like a fish, fish are gross.

Sword: It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.(space)After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. Some might say she is a natural. Perhaps give a brief example of comparison so we know more approximately what her skill level is?

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

Loves Animals: She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't<-format spacing particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats. How is this particularly a strength? How does this give her an advantage? Right now, this is just a personality trait and nothing more.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone. Your explanation is only a description of her personality and her preference, not her skill. Please give us an explanation of her skill with the flute.

Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young<comma> many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her,<no comma> or give unnecessary, and annoying,<no comma> help. She sometimes wishes that they would just leave her alone. You are making quite the assumptions in this one, at least with how it is worded. You can say people 'generally' or 'may'. Keep it open for others to influence and don't let there be definitives (where you make up the minds of others before they have a chance to respond).

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken<-format spacing up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. How do you plan on incorporating this into a storyline? Will she turn down jobs because she is too busy hunting? How does/will this affect her in situations where others are with her?

Underestimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.(space)This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Does she do this physically, or in terms of skill, as well?

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. She also enjoys eating out, but usually can't afford it. When writing about her fear of fire, explain to me why, how it came to be, and how it affects her in everyday and special situations.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to write most of the time. You can write? If you can, you need to mention this in your strengths. Don't forget, if you can write, you can more than likely read. This will also need an explanation on how she learned such skills.


I would like these to be fixed up and worded to make them Strengths and Weaknesses. At this point, you are just giving us historical info, or personality descriptions for these. Take each section and think "How is this an advantage to her?" "How is this a disadvantage to her?" "How is this affected social situations?" "How does this affect her work/job?" Also, use the "Who, what, when, where, why, and how" system when and where you can for these. It will help to add explanations where you may have missed something.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 13, 2009, 03:52:33 AM
Ok I finished! I am glad to hear I am almost done. Please let me know if the changes look good. :)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 13, 2009, 11:21:07 AM
Oh btw I am making a Home Sweet Home description off site. If anyone would like to look at it so I could speed up the process I'd apreciate.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 13, 2009, 01:09:58 PM
Ohénmár,

At the moment, your history section looks like a block of text. It would make it easier to read if it clearly broken up into paragraphs, with a blank line in between each paragraph.

The way that the History section reads currently is as follows:

Quote
History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher.[/color He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is part of the reason both that she loves animals so much, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place.She didn't little bugs as much as she did bigger bugs, and bugs that could fly. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

It would make it easier on people to read it if you were to do something like the following ...

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.

   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher.[/color He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is part of the reason both that she loves animals so much, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.

   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place.She didn't little bugs as much as she did bigger bugs, and bugs that could fly. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.

   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

At the end of each paragraph, I just tapped the enter key again. This gave a bit of white space between the paragraphs, and I find it helps with the ease of reading CDs.

I think if you look back through the comments on your CD, you will find that a number of them have related to this. The Personality section on your CD needs the same thing to happen.

Doing that really makes it easier for the rest of us to read your CD, including future story mods and fellow players.

I should be by to give it a proper read over later on ... I'm just not in the right frame of mind for it at the moment.

Dek


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 13, 2009, 01:13:26 PM
Oh sorry! I did do it, but I've been copying it from my email. It must have gotten mixed up when I pasted it.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 13, 2009, 04:59:35 PM
Hi Ohénmár,

I am just going to go through your strengths and weaknesses for you and make suggestions on how you can improve them. These are important as they show the CD moderators and your future story moderators what Ohénmár is good at and what she is not good at. Together with her personality, they can show how she will react in certain situations. In addition, these help us to ensure your character is balanced and is not going to unbalance the game for others.

With each strength and weakness we need to see:
- How it impacts Ohénmár in her everyday life
- How much of an impact it is
- How it makes her better than/worse than the average person in the world of Caelereth.

Now we'll see how these can be used to improve your strengths and weaknesses.

Quote
Strengths
Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it.

This reads as though it should be part of the personality section rather than strengths and weaknesses. How Smart? How Intelligent? When has she demonstrated this? How can her being smarter and more intelligent than others help her in her everyday life? Does it include reading and writing? If so, you might like to include it here.

Quote
Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water, and sometimes she wishes she could breathe under water. Just not like a fish, fish are gross.

The last two sentences once again read as though they should be part of her personality section again. How is her being an excellent swimming going to impact on her everyday life? How has it helped her/others in the past? What does this allow her to do?

Quote
Sword: It is a very good sword, given to her by her father. After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. She is as good as some people who have been training for much longer than her. Some might say she is a natural.

That first sentence in this one should be part of her history, or the weapons section. What kinds of things can she do with the sword that make her 'quite skilled' with it? In any case, you need to say how this helps. Some people have a 'Fighting Style' section on their CD, just under weapons. This explains how they use their weapons. At the age of 17, I find the sentence that says 'she's as good as some people who have been training for much longer than her' a bit of a stretch. Remember, you need to be clearly showing us how good she is with the sword.

Quote
Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

What do you mean by 'basic training' here? That isn't clear to me. That last sentence doesn't really need to be here either, I don't think. What about hunting for food? Does she use it for that? Does she shoot at targets for fun or is it in competitions for money or food?

Quote
Loves Animals: She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats. She also makes quick friends with them, and they would be willing to help her, such as get down fruit from the top of the tree. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers.

For the most part, this isn't really a strength. Once again, most of it would be more at home in her personality. The bit about them helping her with food is good, but the rest of it isn't really a strength from what I can see ...

Something like ...
Loves Animals: Her Eyelian heritage means that Ohénmár is able to befriend most animals with fur or feathers. Animals that she befriends in this way help her by getting food down from the top of trees. Sometimes animals warn Ohénmár when trouble is approaching by disappearing into the forest. As a stablehand, the ability to befriend and calm horses is a definite advantage.

might be better, although I'm sure it could be expressed better than my attempt there as well.

Quote
Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone. She doesn't play any prewritten songs, even though she could, but she preferes to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes.

Once again, this one is not really a strength at the moment, it once again really is part of her personality. If you reword it, it'll sound more like a strength. How is playing the flute impacting her everyday life? How much better is she at it than others? How does it help her? Answer those questions, and you will be making the strength, and your character, stronger.

Weaknesses

Quote
Youth: Because she is young, many look down on her. Often they want to take advantage of her or give unnecessary, and annoying help. She sometimes wishes that they would just leave her alone.

That last sentence is really personality rather than a weakness. How does her youth impact negatively on her? What can't she do as a youth that she'd like to be able to do? Answering those sorts of questions will improve this weakness for you, Ohénmár.

Quote
Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him.

This is perhaps the best of the strengths and weaknesses so far, Ohénmár. Once again, make sure you are focusing on how it impacts on her, how much it impacts her and how it makes her worse off than the average person.

Quote
Underestimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill.

Another good weakness. I can see how this one impacts on her in her everyday life. I am unclear on that last sentence, however ... it needs some more words or to be reworded, I think.

Quote
Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible.

Another good one ... there is not much I can comment on with regards to this one, you've shown that it is a pretty big weakness for her, shown how it impacts on her life and how it disadvantages her when compared to others. Well done,

Quote
Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit far to often.

This last one needs a bit more 'meat' on it, I feel to show us how it impacts negatively on her. That second sentence also needs to be reworked as it doesn't quite make sense to me at the moment.

Basically, Ohénmár, I am just asking you to clearly show us for each strength and weakness
- How it impacts her
- How much it impacts her
- How it makes her better or worse than others

I feel you've done that pretty well in some of the strengths and weaknesses, while in other ones, you could do some more work.

I hope this helps. Please ask if you have any questions or need anything clarified.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 14, 2009, 04:34:31 AM
Ok, I did it! :) I hope you don't mind, but I took most of what you suggested for "Loves Animals" and changed the wording. I hope you don't mind. I was also thinking maybe I should get rid of the blue and red coloring, because it's getting pretty confusing.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 16, 2009, 10:34:26 AM
It's been a few days... *bump*


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on August 16, 2009, 10:38:10 AM
Ohenmar, it is customary to make such notes in the "CDs in Waiting" topic, which you may find at the top of the Character Description forum. It is also helpful if you include a link back to your CD so that people who wish to help alleviate the lack of comments do not have to hunt around.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 20, 2009, 03:46:49 PM
Alrighty dear. Let's see how close we can get you with this one. I know we have been focusing on your Strengths and Weaknesses lately, but I am gonna look at the whole picture this time and see if we can't knock this one out in one go.

Quote
Name: Ohénmár Celeste

Gender: Female

Age: 17 years, about 13 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race: Elves/Human

Tribe: Ylfferhim/Eyelian-Eagle Clan

Occupation: Stablehand

Title: The Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color: Cyhalloian Snow

Eye Color: Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue

Physical Appearance: Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them appear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half-human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half-human, her ears are as pointed as any of the elves. She is about one ped, two fores tall and one pygge, three hebs in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling and they are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are quite sturdy. <-What colour are her boots? She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs.<-What colour is the bracelet itself? Is it made out of silver, copper, gold? Is it a chain or a solid band? Her warrior outfit is skin-tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.She loves water and the rain. She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
  
(no space)Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She also loves animals, and they seem to love her back. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers.

Personality looks good :)

Strengths


Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. When people tell her a fact<comma> she holds on to it and never forgets it. She can analyze a situation in a few seconds and make a decision on what to do about it in half that time. Half a second is really fast. I am not sure even the fastest decision makers can really go that fast unless it requires no mental capacity. 'She has a good memory, able to remember facts and faces. Also able to analyze the situation and hold her own when it comes to making decisions.'

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. This is a useful skill when she needs to get across a deep river, as long as the current isn't too strong. Since she doesn't mind getting wet, this mean she doesn't have to travel to a bridge. Balanced :)

Sword: It is a very good sword, with a good balance. After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. She is as good as some people who are older than her. Some might say she is a natural, and she moves with grace when she trains. This seems to be one we are really struggling with. Perhaps reading some articles online about sword fighting will give you some insight on how to properly describe her skill level here. How long has she been training, and at what intensity? These two factors will help give you an even more precise idea of where to place her. At 17, she isn't going to be *that* good, especially when going against someone with longer and more intense training. Can she hold her own against a well trained soldier? Or does she have to pick her battles carefully as to not get in over her head?

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. This means she knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle(space)or for hunting, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. At most<comma> it would be an emergency defense. 25 feet would be more around "7peds and 1fore" Fore=/=Feet.

Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who are known as the beast tamers. Her little friends can help her by getting down fruit from the tops of trees, or warning her when danger is near with their calls of alarm. As a stablehand, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befriend them. Does she travel from city to city doing this? My concern with this "job", it is more of a "stable" job, as it doesn't travel well necessarily. Most cities or towns will have people already in those positions and it doesn't make it easy for you to go on adventures or explore the city, as you are stuck in one position or location for an indefinite amount of time.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.(space)When she plays<comma> it is always beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, many say she is the best flutist they have ever heard. She doesn't play any prewritten songs, even though she could, but she preferes to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song<comma> they often exchange bits of news. I think you need to remember to keep things realistic with your age. You are basically "13" in skill and knowledge. How many 13 year olds are "the best you have ever heard". Remember your age and think of those that age as well around you.

Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young, many look down on her. Often they want to take advantage of her or give unnecessary, and annoying help. These people don't take her seriously which makes it hard for her to get anything out of a conversation. It also means she is targeted by thieves, so she can never go out alone. Ok. This one is still bothering me. You are focusing on projecting other's thoughts and actions instead of your own. A lot of it is how things are worded, but is the one which I have been consistently unhappy with as a weaknesses, and I am not sure you are quite understanding or willing to understand what we are trying to explain to you here. You cannot dictate other's thoughts or actions, only your own. Here, you are doing their work for them, and ignoring your own
Example of how to minimally edit this properly
Because she is young, she feels many look down on her. She assumes they want to take advantage of her or give unnecessary, and annoying help.<-This as a whole doesn't realy make sense. They won't necessarily want to help her, but more along the lines of ignore her. She feels people don't take her seriously<comma> which makes it hard for her to get anything out of a conversation.<-Huh? What does being taken seriously have to do with conversation? It also means she is targeted by thieves, so she can never go out alone.<-Not necessarily. Each thief has their own type of targets, and just because someone is young, doesn't mean they are ideal. Often, if someone is young, they aren't worth robbing because they won't have enough money or belongs to make it worth the trouble.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father<comma> so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken(space)up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him. Her whole life, including where she goes and how long she stays there, revolve around finding him. How does this work with her occupation? If she travels a lot, she doesn't have the time to ground herself in an occupation which requires solid residence. I am looking for consistency, all of your strengths and weaknesses can't stand alone, but they have to work together as a group and play off each other accordingly.

Underestimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.(space)This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults.<-It is difficult to offend children Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill, such as with a sword.
I think, from what you have listed here, a better weakness for her would be "cocky". She doesn't underestimate people, she just thinks she is better. And especially since she is so young, inexperienced, and naive, "Cocky" is the better option to work with and explain.

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible. Already mentioned, but this is your best weakness, as it is properly backed with explanation which makes sense.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit. It doesn't help when she starts feeling sorry for herself, and sulks in a corner away from everyone else. This makes her seem anti-social, which only makes it harder for her to make new friends. An ok weakness. I would think adding an extra punch of "inexperienced in social situations" would really help make this complete.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.
  
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher.[/color He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is part of the reason both that she loves animals so much, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
  
   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place.She didn't little bugs as much as she did bigger bugs, and bugs that could fly. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
  
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

This feels rushed and lacks...an authentic vibe. Details, from the heart. What were her parents names? How old were they? What did her father do? What did her mother do? Why did they not live together? She was born then suddenly 15. What was growing up like? What kind of things did she do for fun? Let us get to know your character through her history. It is ultimately the most important section in your CD. It gets to the heart of the character. No matter what you say in the above sections, the history will reveal the truth about a character. Use the "Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How" as thoroughly as you can in the history. Every aspect you enter in this section, answer the to the 5 Ws + How, and you will be surprised how much you can add to your history without worrying about the meticulous details.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies. It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Please do a thorough spellcheck, as I noticed a few issues. I really recommend spending some time reading a few completed CDs in the archives, especially a couple of sections. The Strengths and Weaknesses; and the History. They are your weak sections in this overall.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 22, 2009, 09:13:02 AM
Honestly, I don't know what to do for her ocupation. I had Jill of al trades up but I didn't like the way that sounded.  I was thinking stable hand as in she would get a job for maybe a month or something and search for clues to her father before moving on. If you can think of any jobs that would allow her to travel or fit her personality, I would apreciate it, or if there is a list somewhere....


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 22, 2009, 09:22:41 AM
What is a blue collar drifter? Also what would be a good name for a women from the Eyelian tribe?


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on August 22, 2009, 09:29:39 AM
have you heard the term 'blue collar worker' before?

It is basically someone who does physical work for a living, as opposed to 'white collar worker' which is someone who does office work for a living. drifter just simply means you move from place to place ... so 'blue collar drifter' is essentially someone who goes from place to place doing outdoors work.

EDIT: If you look at this list (http://www.santharia.com/dev/index.php/topic,11660.msg151595.html#msg151595), there is a list of male and female Eyelian names.

You may also find the Nomenclature (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/eyelians.htm#Nomenclature) from the Eyelian men Compendium entry to be of help.



Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 22, 2009, 09:50:53 AM
Would that be a term that they would use in Santharia? (I honestly don't know.) Thanks for the links, they really helped.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 22, 2009, 11:43:36 AM
They are also called "drifters", or they are just manual labor jobs.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 22, 2009, 01:33:05 PM
Thanks, but drifter makes her sound lame. Is there any job she could have that deals with horses or other animals?


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 22, 2009, 02:06:06 PM
At her age, probably a groomer. It doesn't require a steady job, and the materials are light to carry. Also, it is simple to learn.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Stablehand
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 22, 2009, 02:35:20 PM
That's perfect! Thank you!


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 23, 2009, 07:18:12 AM
I edited the mark up on my CD, there were some mistakes, though it still probably isn't perfect. I also added some more on the history.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on August 26, 2009, 12:38:45 PM
I added more to my history, take a look. I added details as to what her parents looked like, and some other things as well.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on August 31, 2009, 10:54:42 AM
I'm not exactly the most precise person when it comes to history, so my commentary there (in gold as with the rest) will be rather sparse, if extant.

Name: Ohénmár Celeste

Gender: Female

Age: 17 years, about 13 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race: Elves/Human

Tribe: Ylfferhim/Eyelian-Eagle clan

Occupation: Horse Groomer

Title: Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color: Cyhalloian Snow

Eye Color: Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue I wonder if we couldn't leave the second bit out altogether it's sort of unnecessary fluff here and it's redundant considering the explanation below.

Physical Appearance: Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them apear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half-human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half-human, her ears are as pointed as any of the elves. She is about one ped, two fores tall and one pygge, three hebs in weight. While I might be wrong, this last phrase seems just slightly tacked on and, once again, redundant. You also seem to neglect something important here. You mention that she's half human, but she is taking after the elven side of her parentage in terms of looks (Eyelians wouldn't be caught alive with hair that pale)

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. How would a horse groomer procure such a a piece of clothing? Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. They are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are glossy black leather and are quite sturdy. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of silver stems.  Her warrior outfit is skin-tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool. You're seem to have left a bit in from earlier revisions here, I thought you groomed horses, which begs the question as to where one would acquire silk and sapphire.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.She loves water and the rain. She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
   
Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She also loves animals, and they seem to love her back. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers.  There's a lost of what seems to be stuttering here, and perhaps some contrariness you'll want to look into. You're listing things, which really puts a damper on the whole section.

Strengths


Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. When people tell her a fact she holds on to it and never forgets it. She can analyze a situation in a few seconds and hold her own when it comes to making decisions.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. This is a useful skill when she needs to get across a deep river, as long as the current isn't too strong. Since she doesn't mind getting wet, this mean she doesn't have to travel to a bridge.

Sword: It is a very good sword, with a good balance. After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. She has been trained since she was about 13, and started really getting serious about it when she turned 15, but her training ended soon after because she ran away from her village. She does have to be careful about who she fights, but she doesn't fight very often. If she does, it is usualy against bandits who have no training whatsoever(SPACE) and don't expect a young girl to know how to use a sword. She has the potential to become very good.

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. This means she knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle (SPACE)or for hunting, but she can hit a target about seven peds one fore away. At most it would be an emergency defense.

Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers. Her little friends can help her by getting down fruit from the tops of trees, or warning her when danger is near with their calls of alarm. As a horse groomer, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befirend them.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.When she plays it is always beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, she often gets compliments. She doesn't play any prewritten songs, even though she could, but she preferes to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song they often exchange bits of news.

You are an itinerant horse groom right? I'm not quite sure where one would learn the sword or the bow with that kind of background. It also seems too much for a 13 year-old to know both of these.
Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young, she feels she is sometimes looked down on. Oftenshe feels people want to take advantage of her or even just ignore her. Some don't take her seriously which makes it hard for her to talk to people. It also means she is afraid of being targeted by thieves, so she never goes out alone at night.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father, so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him. Her whole life, including where she goes and how long she stays there, revolve around finding him.

Cocky: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill, such as with a sword.

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit. It doesn't help when she starts feeling sorry for herself, and sulks in a corner away from everyone else. This makes her seem anti-social, which only makes it harder for her to make new friends. Sometimes she doesn't even bother to talk to people, just sits in a corner.

These seem to be... lax, in comparison to the veritable plethora of skills in the strength section. A little balance would be nice here.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother, Crsinis Featherfriend Yourth, the village healer, went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. She was tall and proud, with a curved figure, and her eyes were a haunting blue. She had brown hair, highlited from many days out in the sun. Ohénmár's father, Háltelór Celeste, had deep green eyes, and was also tall, even for the Ylfferhim. He wore his hair in a braid, which was so white it was almost silver. Háltelór saw her in the forest and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. As Háltelór traveled a lot on business, it was decided Ohénmár would stay with Crisinis. And so, for sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. Her father traveled often as he was a merchant, so she didn't see him that often. She has few memories of Háltelór's home in the forest, though he occasionally came to visit Ohénmár and her mother. As she grew up she went exploring near her village and swam in the river, sometimes following it to the ocean. She climbed trees, found caves, and climbed over rocks. She didn't go alone, though. Often she went with other children from the village. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her. You've just given a sword to a 10 year-old I believe. Sense this fails to make.
   
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher, and he enjoyed her enthusiasm. After she got her very own sword, she became more serious and trained every day. He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. She could not find the cat after that, but suposed it was wild and was happier that way. Even so it is part of the reason that she loves animals so much. It is also the reason she is so afraid of fire that she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
   
   A boy from out of town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawl up on her bed, or buzzing around her head. Just when she would drift off to sleep, one would buzz in her ear waking her up. This made it hard to sleep, and she would go into another room. She did not tell her mom, as Ohénmár knew she would just say she should not be afriad of bugs. She eventually caught the boy in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours her mother came and broke up the fight. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, the boy was more beat up than she was. Ohénmár never saw him again. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
   
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. color=teal]She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and cities, watching from afar. She has been searching for almost a year now, but stopped by her mother's house for her 17th birthday so she wouldn't celebrate alone. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.  Horse groom? Where? Some mention of this would be nice, though I beg that you don't simply tack it on.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it. I've made this clear before, but repetition seems to be good sometimes, so. This is too much for a 13-year-old to have learned. Drop at least one of the weapons (preferably the sword), thanks.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies. It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

[gold]It's... progressing. You need to balance out the strengths and weaknesses, which I've made suggestions about, and there seem to be bits which you've failed to prune. When you make changes like the ones you've made, it is sometimes prudent to actually rewrite certain sections, or review others to make sure you haven't left anything anachronistic around. You'll also want to go over this with a spell checker of some sort perhaps. I noted a few spelling errors as I went through.[/color]


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 01, 2009, 09:43:32 AM
I was told previously to say how tall she was and how much she weighed.

Yes, she does look more elf-like, but I did say she was more muscular, I didn't ignore her human side.

Her dress and bracelet are from her parents, and while she is a groomer for a living, it doesn't mean she can't have nice things. It is really only a temporary thing for her. Also, regarding learning weapons whith "that background" it isn't like a big thing learning to groom a horse. I can do that in real life. Meaning: brushing them, washing them with water, getting out stones, ect. If there is some hard part to doing this that I am missing, let me know.

If I did drop the sword, could I increase her skill with the bow? That seems to take away several problems.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on September 01, 2009, 12:27:00 PM
Re: The weapons issue.

You have the relative skills and training of a thirteen year-old. The list of things a thirteen year-old can do does not tend to include extensive weapons training of any kind.

It's not that a horse groom is a particularly mentally intensive task, it is that the task does not afford one with much in the way of what could be called "free time". All those stones aren't going to remove themselves.

You'd have to spend real time to learn this, which you might not necessarily have. Remember, you're still part elf and that means time is... funny.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on September 01, 2009, 12:59:44 PM
Please be polite when you are responding to people who are trying to help you, Ohenmar.

I was told previously to say how tall she was and how much she weighed.

Yes you were, and that is not at odds with the comments of Valan. Valan's comments were that you shouldn't just put it on as an add on at the end ... you should integrate it better with what you already have there. See if you can find a place for those details in the description you have already written.l

Yes, she does look more elf-like, but I did say she was more muscular, I didn't ignore her human side.

That is a small change at best. The father's hair is fair, the mother's hair is dark (brown or black) yet her hair is white. I think the hair should be made darker.

Her dress and bracelet are from her parents, and while she is a groomer for a living, it doesn't mean she can't have nice things. It is really only a temporary thing for her.

If it is 'only a temporary thing for her' why do you have it as her occupation?

Indeed, she can have nice things ... I don't think anyone is saying that she can't, but would she be wearing those nice things while she is working? In Ohenmar's case, her occupation is 'Horse Groomer'. Or would she be wearing clothes more appropriate for that occupation? When would she have a chance to wear a 'formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress'? Surely she wouldn't wear it while she is doing that work? So when does she wear those 'nice things'? Include something about it in the history.

If I did drop the sword, could I increase her skill with the bow? That seems to take away several problems.

Consider what Valan says here ... in addition you should be aware that fighting isn't a big factor in most of the stories that we have here in Santharia ... there are people who have not given their characters any kind of weapon skill or magic skill. By all means, increase her ability with the bow, but be aware that this isn't like a game of World of Warcraft or AD&D in which the focus is on fighting, fighting and more fighting.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 01, 2009, 01:34:50 PM
I am sorry, I did not mean to be rude.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 01, 2009, 01:49:46 PM
I beleive genetically, hair colors don't blend. I went here to check: CLICK (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_hair_color)
I am not sure how genetics are suposed to work, in people blond hair is recessive, with elves it isn't said, so I thought it would be ok. I also made my character match my portrait, not visa-versa. With weight and height he said it was "redundant" so I thought that he meant I didn't need it. Also, as it was meantioned before she is only 13. :) It's normal not to be sure what one wants to do in life at that age. (My age btw.) I'll have to think about the dress thing. I just thought it would be nice for her to have the dress and bracelet, as both are kind of my fantasy outfit. Do they have parties in elf-land? (Don't worry, I know there isn't really an "elf-land".)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 02, 2009, 02:20:28 AM
Sorry to double-post. I made lots of changes, getting rid of the sword entirely and adding a few things. (Such as the full version of my portrait.) I hope that takes me one step closer to being done. I am done with changes until I get new comments or some one responds to my last post. (Not that it's been long.)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 06, 2009, 11:38:03 AM
Soooo.... what do you think?


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on September 07, 2009, 12:35:51 PM
A question. When you say, hit a target from seven peds, do you mean, "hit the broad side of the barn" at seven peds (seven meters) or "hit the bullseye" at seven peds? The distance is a fair one, since hitting the bullseye or to be reasonable, the ring around it as well wouldn't be a difficult task at seven meters.

International Archery Federation puts the indoor competition range at 18 - 25 meters. At 25 meters the target is 60 centimetres in diameter (again FITA rules) so you can see the difference such a detail might make.

To say you can shoot a stationary target at 7 meters is, to put it mildly, like saying you can harm an infant. It's not that difficult. If you've mad an error in the distance you've mentioned here, I'd suggest you check the revised distance against the measures converter before you finish with it.

Some details on the bow might be nice as well. You say it's a long bow. We have an entire entry that deals with bows. Is it composite? a selfbow (all one piece of wood). What is it made of, bone, horn, metal, wood?
How big is it? What kind of arrows are you using? Is there anything distinctive about them (fletching or heads perhaps?)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 08, 2009, 03:39:35 AM
I changed that she can hit the center of the target, but a) I don't really know bows, and b) everyone was telling me she was to good with her weapons, so, ok. I also added some information about the bow and arrows in the weapons section.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on September 09, 2009, 12:16:29 PM
Quote
Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers. Her little friends can help her by getting down fruit from the tops of trees, or warning her when danger is near with their calls of alarm. As a horse groomer, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befriend them.
While the Eyelians are gifted with handling animals, you are not a pureblooded Eyelian, nor were you raised as an Eyelian and not everything is going to get along with you. In addition, what you are describing in the highlighted would not be possible for a normal Eyelian that could not speak with the animals in question by my thinking. This strength should be toned down a little from where I stand, paying careful attention to the highlighted portions.

Quote
Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.SPACEWhen she plays it is always beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, she often gets compliments. She doesn't play any written songs, even though she could, but she prefers to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song they often exchange bits of news.
The first sentence isn't really a part of the strength. In fact, it looks like it belongs up with the personality section. The highlighted section is what is bugging me here. You're using an absolute again, which isn't a good idea when it comes to defining strengths and weaknesses. The way it reads now, it sounds like you never play something even the slightest bit badly. Straying accidentally into that kind of perfection (even unintentionally, or as a form hyperbole) isn't good. I also don't remember her being able to read, let alone read music. Something like that actually wouldn't be all too common. Most musicians (of the travelling variety at least) would have learned their songs by ear, rather than by reading music off of a sheet.

So, moral here. Stay clear of absolutes (always and the like) and broad generalizations (any, every, etc.) when you're describing the strengths and weaknesses. You could inadvertently shoot yourself in the foot by unintentionally overpowering or otherwise unbalancing the character..


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 09, 2009, 12:42:00 PM
Cries of alarm when danger is near is something many animals do, anyways. Ever heard a bird fly away when you come to close, calling out? That's telling all nearby birds, "Hey theres a person!"


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on September 09, 2009, 12:59:48 PM
While this is true, animals make noise for many reasons.  Since you don't speak bird, you can't really tell whether they're simply chattering about food, mates, an animal or the fact that it rains too much. In addition, the way you have the phrase worded does seem to imply that they are talking to you.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on September 09, 2009, 01:08:53 PM
Ok. But you can kind of speak bird. You learn what different things mean from listening and watching them. Obviously little twitering in the trees is just nothing, it's pretty obvious when they are mad or scared.  Anyways, I'll refrase it.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Azhira Styralias on September 30, 2009, 12:43:24 AM
Hello Ohénmár!

Changing back to the pencil work in progress icon until you're ready for more comments. It still looks like you need to work on Valan's suggestions.  ;)


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on October 06, 2009, 12:02:37 PM
.


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on October 06, 2009, 06:28:11 PM
Hey Ohen,

I don't think we've met but I'd just like to say that we won't ever delete this CD - if you feel like picking it up in a month, two months, a year, it'll be here for you :).  And you're really not far off from what I can tell.  I know I gave up on my first character whilst writing it (at a similar time too, because it actually got approved after I left), but I came back after a while and made another one, and do you know what - this CD writing process is *so* much easier once you've done it once! Now I have...erm...I would tell you how many but I honestly can't remember.  When you first get here there do seem to be a lot of stupid little rules, but the thing is that most people start to like that fact once they get in to it, because they keep the characters from becoming too perfect, they make them more believable.  The depth of the site can be a pain in the bum at first, but seriously, it makes for a much better roleplaying experience once you're there!

I really hope you change your mind and get her through that last hurdle,

Rookie x



Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Azhira Styralias on October 06, 2009, 09:23:26 PM
To be honest, I see nothing glaring wrong with this CD. Its basic and it works fine. Its not overpowered or unbalanced. For a first CD, its ok to me.

I think the ONLY small thing is that animals wouldn't be able to speak to you as you are not a full Eyelian.

Otherwise, I don't see much more to nitpick.

First Approval! :nod:


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on October 07, 2009, 05:51:55 PM
Second Approval


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on October 08, 2009, 02:42:58 AM
I shall send her an Email to let her know of the proceedings.

Go ahead and remove the colour, and we shall get you on your way


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Ohénmár Celeste on October 10, 2009, 11:46:26 AM
...Done


Title: Re: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on October 11, 2009, 01:32:35 AM
Titled and Archived!