Adventures of Caelereth

Character and Story Creation => Character Descriptions => Topic started by: Ylaya on September 29, 2009, 02:43:27 AM



Title: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on September 29, 2009, 02:43:27 AM
Name: Ylaya

Gender:
Female

Age: 70

Race: Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Hired Assassin, Spy and/or Saboteur

Title:
Temptress

Character Portrait:
(http://oi64.tinypic.com/30xix4o.jpg)

Overview:
Ylaya has and will always want to dominate those around her. As a member of the Cor'hm dark elves she is very attractive to say the least, decisive and manipulative. As an agent of foul craft she is often conniving, cruel and bitter. In a sense she lives to embarrass he rivals and any disrespect shown to her is taken incredibly seriously. Being still quite young and like all the Cor'hm shes sees herself as superior to all those around her, especially men.

Appearance:


Height: 2 Peds

Weight:
1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, 10 Mut.

Eye Colour:
Fiery

Hair Colour:
White

Physical Appearance: Ylaya is very slender and her figure is almost perfect among her races standards. She is ultimately attractive to any man's eyes. Also, she has very pale skin, long pointed ears and dark intoxicating eyes. In comparison to her body, her arms and legs are quite long and her hands are very soft. Her back is also very straight and this gives her figure a sense of presence about it that cannot be ignored.

Clothing:
Ylaya dresses smartly and to make herself as alluring as possible. Her outfit is built for speed and elegance. It consists of a tight black and purple leather garment that goes around her neck and on each side of her chest. This garment folds around her upper body, revealing skin on parts of her arms and just below her neck. She has a lightly armoured breastplate which goes over this slim fitting garment. On her head she wears a head piece consisting of black metal pieces that spike a little upwards. This head piece allows her white hair flow out the back in a long tail. On her shoulders she wears some light plated armour. She wears lightly armour gauntlets, emphasizing her sleak figure and underneath long fingerless gloves which go up to near her shoulders. Her nails are painted dark, long and defined. Straps leading down her back hold her upper garment to her split black and purple silk skirt which is long at the sides and short in the middle. Below this skirt she wears a pair of tight black silk hose built for speed, but also to allure her enemies. She wears a pair of tight fitting ankle boots which are hard wearing. She often hides all of her sleak fitting attire under a cloak, but once familiar with people, she isn't shy in showing people how confident she can be.

Personality: Ylaya is not foolishly obsessed with money or fame. All she wants is to be respected and and feared if needs be. She will be treacherous, sinister and manipulative to any ends to be dominant over others and especially men. This is down to an in built inferiority complex that was instilled in her from training and men to her have always been disgusting beasts that need to behave or enslaved. She has always thought that without men the world would be a much cleaner place, but as they are here to stay she will take advantage of them and show that she is a superior woman.  

In reference to that superiority, she has always wants to be the dominant ruler and shes knows how to get what she wants. Whether that it involves being manipulative or ruthless, it makes no difference to her. In addition, she will alternate personalities to make it easier to approach others and can play the talkative, attractive princess very well. Though, it should be warned that those who fall for her false images, be prepared for all sorts of foul play when your usefulness has ended. However, it should be noted that she will endure other individuals if it suits her purpose, but friends are a disposble resource at the end of the day.

In reference to her job as a hired professional, she will often mix buissness and pleasure almost all the time and she will often engage in dance rituals or festivals to get who she wants. She sees such activities as not just a chance to show off, but also a chance to relax or get to know lovers or even future victims.

Strengths:


Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately.  In the end these characteristics and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf. Though, it should be noted not all men fall for her sex appeal.

Wicked Tongue: Ylaya has often saved herself trouble in the past through the art of persuasion and her ability to play the innocent character has meant she has gone under the radar of potential enemies. For instance, she can cry if she needs to look sad, look innocent in the face of someone more powerful and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event has occured. Even when captured, Ylaya has been known to turn the eyes of a warlord or barbarian and make him release her. She will also lie if it helps her to persuade someone. Also, although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyones view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage, she can be very seductive when it suits her. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire.

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or using acrobatics to do do. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations when facing heavy armoured warriors she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there. Her agility makes her a formidably opponent for a short period of time, after about 10 minutes her speed will gradually decrease.

Blade Skill: Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations an art form and the precision of her blade is often very good. However, still being young she has alot more to learn and sometimes she can get carried away and lose her footing. Her training was not entirely complete before she left her village, but it helps her complete her occupation to a very good standard. Though, whilst in combat Ylaya usually has to be close to her opponent to do the damage necassary and her dagger relie on being close to the enemy to be effective. If Ylaya is not close enough, her attacks may be stopped in there tracks.

Weaknesses:

Perfectionist: Ylaya will always have a problem with being beaten or outperformed either in love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training to never take second best.

Lack of trust: Many elves and some humans will often see her as a dark elf, rather that an attractive individual and not give her much in the terms of time or trust. Others will see her for what she is undernearth and never believe a word that comes out of her mouth because many of the words are poision in more than one sense. She must remain hidden or be prepared for the consequences of entering another's space. Though, she does have a cloak which can be used on occassions for short periods of time.

Coor'hem language barrier
- Ylaya is from Nybelmar where the standard Santharian language is not spoken or taught. Thus, not knowing how to speak to most people is a major weakness for Ylaya, however she has a basic volcabularly taught to her by a captured prisoner. Ylaya realistically can only speak Styrash and has thus had communication problems with the commoner, unless she speaks with other elves. Though, she has yet to find an elf to share some time with since many have been hostile.

Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness: She has always looked after herself and in many situations this could fail her. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned. This allows her to make the choices and gives her a sense of control, however, it is a weakness because people will never side with her again once they know what she is like. Some would say in isolating herself she makes herself an easy target.

Overconfident: Her recent successes have made her very overconfident and she has not learnt much since she left home in reality. Her training has become more and more dilluted over the time she has spent around the average commoner. She has become partly obsessed with her own skills and has not yet been brought down to earth with the limits of her skill. This overconfidence has made her arrogant and sometimes self-obsessive.

History:

Ylaya at birth was a blessing to her family, she performed well in her first training years and became a good daughter to her privileged family.  She had the necessary qualities that made her accepted. She was beautiful, skilled with a blade and was starting to earn respect due her power over the opposite gender. Her village was quite large really and her father ran the village as leader. In the village she was known as the one who was to be admired, but respected and she was well informed, knowing everything about everyone.

During her training she learnt the art of assassination and how to use her blades to take an enemy down the quickest way possible. She was taught how to be stealthy and when to be silent. Her agility and speed were enhanced through the art of extreme assault courses which made her jump and leap to avoid projectiles and weapons. This speed was built upon and increased to make her fit for combat.  

Yet fighting and stealth were not all she excelled in and romance was a passion she indulged in from the beginning as soon as she was of age. In one instance she slept with another female drow's husband in her own village which was seen to her as fun and a risk. However, such men were never using her because it had been taught by her mother from birth that men must be conquered and that in any relationship or conflict the other sex should always be lesser to your own. To be toyed with or used at one's leisure. This was and is the Cor'hm way and Ylaya adopted such a regime in every relationship she went into.

She would toy with her lovers, often getting them into trouble and once even getting one almost killed. Though playing them off against each other was her favourite way to decide who best suited her. Slowly overtime the risks she was taking were getting ever more and more dangerous.    

Though, risks to her were part of her everyday life and she once stole some silver as part of a dare and was never punished for the crime, but only questioned about the incident. Some in her village were beginning to ask questions about her wanderings into other communities and she had many lovers, some without permission. Her harlotry was frowned upon by many but many feared her so did nothing but whisper in corners. However, one day she returned to the female drow's husband in her village for supposedly the fourth time, this was when she was discovered in the middle of the night.

Whilst in the act of extreme pleasure with the husband of a woman she knew and often met with she was pulled back by his mother-inlaw strangely who had been outside. Ylaya had no weapons with her, she was defenceless and vulnerable in her almost fully naked state. The wife of the husband had probably had a long conversation or something with her mother and she had decided to take action. The drow male jumped up in fright of being discovered and was stabbed by his mother-inlaw for such a disgusting betrayal of his marriage vows. He was not deserving of her daughter's marriage and payed the price in blood.  

He apparently got off easy and fell back into his bed surrounded by a pool of blood. This mother-inlaw was on a rampage and Ylaya would not escsape her wrath. For she was not so lucky as the husband she had been manipulating and the mother-inlaw grabbed her by the hair and pulled her outside half naked into the street. Many in the village came out to see what was going on and the mother-inlaw made an exhibition of Ylaya in front of the village. The rich, sneaky, pleasure seeking girl now learnt humiliation and the mother-inlaw strapped her to a tree in the village.

The dead husband's wife then emerged, happy that her unfaithful husband was now dead and she approached Ylaya who was weak, the ideal target. Many in the crowd around roared and now the recriminations came in verbal as the harlot was to get her comeuppance. However it was to be a private affiair. The mother-inlaw and the whole tribe left as the two women gazed upon each other. They looked at each other straight in the eyes and a psychological conflict began. There was not even a duel. Afterwards the old mother-inlaw returned with the tribe, Ylaya could not continue after such a disaster and cryed out as the other instilled her dominance and smiled. Ylaya had lost this battle and her reputation was lost. She felt disgusted with this loss, but never looked back.

As a final humiliation, the wife took Ylaya all throughout the village and displayed her as a trophy. People in the village mocked, spat and roared. Ylaya felt utterly humiliated and was most surely damaged mentally by the incident and not just physically. When faced with her father she begged for forgiveness but was cast aside and she ran away into the wilderness. She thought and something inside her called for the act of revenge. Before she left she decided to take her revenge and poisoned the mother-inlaw who had discovered her and her lover. After this murder she managed to drug the ex-wife and put her in the position she had been strapped to the same pole. She then indulged in revenge and reclaimed a sense of dominance. The body of the ex-wife was never found, however, everyone suspected that Ylaya had been the culprit of both murders.

For this crime she was sentenced to death, but she was never found and her father secretly covered alot of it up, but never forgave his daughter who had shown so much promise in the beginning to throw it all away by getting involved in such relationships and unnecessary risk taking. She had shamed the whole village...

Thus ended her time in her homeland and she left for pastures new. Her beauty was still divine and she had some very good skill with the blade. Things she learnt from her early youth never left her. She always knew never get caught in the act, to watch your back, to always be stronger than your competition and to get your own back quickly. Although, she learnt very little in terms of restraint and was still a slave to her pleasures. Basically, she had always wanted more for some reason and wanted to exercise her darkest passions in the wilderness away from her own tribe and race. She now had the chance to do so and her beauty manipulated the minds of many men who saw her beauty as perfection. Though again she played the same games, though this time avoided any insane wives or mothers.

She traveled the world joining the ranks of assassins, spys and mercenaries as she pursued her pleasures. She lives to take risks and has never spoken of her past and blocked it in her mind to some extent. In recent times, though, she has moved to Sarvonia in search of more 'opportunities' and so far her journey has been one of little hardship. However, she still wants the same things from before today, but now seeks a sense of power over all that she sees and she will never let anyone beat her again in such a manner.  

Weapons:Ylaya carries two long daggers with her at all times that slot into pouches on the right and the left sides of her boots and they are curved and jagged.  The daggers are used to murder, secure a hostage or gather information and they are the same ones she used when she was still in her village. They are of fine craft and very light.

Fighting Style: Ylaya is the kind of fight who will be sneaky and use her agility to tire out opponents by trying to make all their attacks miss. She will then get close with her blades or come from behind quietly and try to cause a wound to the leg or neck to immobilise an opponent. Her attacks are swift and accurate. She will try to prolong a battle for as long as possible and stabilise her lack of physical brute strength with good reactions and speed. However, engagements between two people is not how Ylaya will usually fight and she will assassinate or eliminate the opponent through surprise most of the time.

Belongings: Ylaya carries very little in the terms of 'belongings', however she does have some basic currency and a jewel given to her by one of her lovers, this jewel was nothing special, but it has a strange alluring glow to it that can not be ignored. A perfect tool for distraction or just a souvenir, no one knows where it came from.  In relation to food, she will often hunt or steal food from a party she joins to reduce the weight she carries. Yet, the food or parts of animals she selects to eat are often very particular and her choice has a formality about it. As for water, she has a small water skin under one of the skulls on her belt with which to store some water to be used in emergences, but usually she finds what she needs from the landscape or people within it.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on October 01, 2009, 05:29:16 AM
Hi Ylaya and welcome, comments/suggestions/corrections in this colour here. I must admit to a bit of stupidity at first on reading your CD ... 'Agent of Foul Craft' made me think I was going to be reading a sailor ... I quickly realised my mistake :D

Name: Ylaya

Gender: Female

Age: 47

Race: Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Hired Assassin, Spy and/or Saboteur

Title: Temptress

Overview: Ylaya has and will always want to dominate those around her. As a member of the Cor'hm dark elves she is very attractive to say the least, decisive and manipulative. As an agent of foul craft she is often conniving, cruel and bitter. Still quite young and like all the Cor'hm shes sees herself as superior to all those around her and especially men.My suggestion would be to consider changing that last 'and' to a comma. It seems to flow slightly better to me.

Appearance:

Height: 2 Peds

Weight:  1.5 Pygges Please convert the decimal to the smaller units of weight measure. It is preferred that we don't use decimals in Santharia.

Eye Colour: Black

Hair Colour: Black

Physical Appearance: Ylaya is very slender and her figure is almost perfection would 'perfect' be better here? among her race's standards. She is ultimately attractive to any man's eyes. Also, she has very pale skin, long pointed ears and dark intoxicating eyes. Her ears in particular are a little longer than would usually be expected for her tribe. She also has black tattoos over her belly and arms and they look like pointed blades spread out in all directions over her skin.

Any chance of a bit mroe detail in your physical appearance? You've described her headin great detail, but give almost no clue as to the rest of her body.

Clothing: Ylaya is dressed for battle all of the time unless she is undressed or undercover. Her outfit consists of a tights leather garment that goes around her shoulders and neck. Apart from this garment around her neck and shoulders she wears very little between it and her waste. I think the word you are looking for here is waist not waste. Waist being a part of the body, waste being garbage that we throw out. The tattoos are clearly visible on her belly and she has a belt on her waste. Once again, I believe you mean 'waist' here. What colour is the belt? This belt incorporates a very long piece of cloth that runs between her legs and skulls are attached on the sides of the belt. The linen used between her legs is decorated with black and purple snake like images. Under her semi-skirt she wears a pair of tight black stockings that go from her feet to above her knees and they are tied to her waste on her belt. 'waist' again in this last sentence. These are covered by two boots fitted with armoured panels which are also attached to her belt over the stockings.

In addition to the above she has many arrow shaped blades in her hair that bunch some of her hair together. She also wears a leather crown around the front of her head with a small spike in the middle and she has earings. One is a ring shape and made from a silver and the other is another arrow blade that is attached with a thin chain.

Personality: Ylaya is not foolishly obsessed with money or fame. All she wants is to be respected and and feared if needs be. She will be treacherous, sinister and manipulative to any ends to be dominant over others and especially men. She wants to be superior and shes knows how to get what she wants. In addition, she will alternative either 'alternate' or 'use alternative' would help this sentence with its meaning, I believe. personalities to make it easier to approach others and can play the talkative, attractive princess very well. Though, it should be warned that those who fall for her false images, be prepared for all sorts of foul play when your usefulness has ended.

I would like to see you expand on this personality section, Ylaya. It seems rather on the short side to me. I've taken a quick look down at your strengths and weaknesses, and there seem to be some of them that could also be used in here. E.G. Manipulative/Decisive, Selfishness, Inferiority Complex, Jealousy, and Ruthless. Please consider expanding this section.

Strengths:

Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men will often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately. Others take persuasion and this comes to her naturally as if she had tamed men all her life. She can cry, look innocent and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event. In the end these characters 'characteristics' not characters, I think and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf. 

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or acrobatics to do do.I think you are missing a word before acrobatics. Maybe you need 'using' in there. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations, when facing heavy armoured warriors, she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there. 

Manipulative/Decisive: Although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyone's view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire. 

Blade Mastery: Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke and very few times will she fall short of perfection in her swings. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations very quick and the precision of her blade is paramount.

Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness: She has always looked after herself and in many situations this has saved her in the past. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness, she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned.
 
Weaknesses:

Inferiority complex: Ylaya always will have a problem with being beaten or outperformed in either in I'm not sure that both of the 2 'in' are needed or work here. I suggest removing one of them. love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training.

Jealously: As already stated, she sees her image as the best and anyone who dares to match her or challenge her in conflict or especially love will be hated and despised. Competition is something she has no time for, unless she is the winner and if she loses, revenge will always be the option for her.

Looks are everything to her: Without her beauty she feels insecure and helpless. Without her image that she has built up she will lose confidence with her mastery of the blade and crossbow. Yet her image is the thing she will always protect and use against the enemy. It is one of her most powerful tools and is used, never abused, yet.

Ruthlessness:  May go to many lengths to reach her goals as already seen above and she does this without considering her safety. Still quite young she can be arrogant and does not take into account the impact of what she does on anyone else.

I always have trouble judging strengths and weaknesses for balance, Ylaya. I think you are pretty well balanced here, but I'm not sure. I'll get one of the other mods to look over it for you. In any case, a good set of strengths and weaknesses here, explained well. On reading further, you will need to include the crossbow and its poisoned bolts in the strength ... which will probably require an additional weakness to offset it.

History: Ylaya at birth was a blessing to her family, she performed well in her first training years and became a good daughter to her privileged family.  She had the necessary qualities that made her accepted. She was beautiful, skilled with a blade and was starting to earn respect due her power over the opposite gender. Her village was quite large really and her father ran the village as leader. In the village she was known as the one who was to be admired, but respected and she was well informed, knowing everything about everyone.

Romance was a passion she indulged in when she was of age and in one instance she slept with another female drow's husband in her own village which was seen to her as fun and a risk. Risks to her were part of her everyday life and she once stole some silver as part of a dare and was never punished for the crime, but only questioned about the incident. Some in her village were beginning to ask questions about her wanderings into other communities and she had many lovers, some without permission. When she returned to the female drow's husband in her village for supposedly the fourth time, this was when she was discovered in the middle of the night.

Whilst in the act of extreme pleasure with the husband of a woman she knew and often met with she was pulled back by his mother-inlaw strangely who had been outside. Ylaya had no weapons with her. The wife of the husband had probably had a long conversation or something with her mother and she had decided to take action. The drow male jumped up in fright of being discovered and was stabbed by his mother-inlaw for such a disgusting betrayal of his marriage vows. He was not deserving of her daughter's marriage.

He apparently got off easy and fell back into his bed surrounded by a pool of blood. This mother-inlaw was on a rampage. Ylaya was not so lucky as the husband she had been manipulating and the mother-inlaw grabbed her by the hair and pulled her outside half naked into the street. Many in the village came out to see what was going on and the mother-inlaw made an exhibition of Ylaya in front of the village. The rich, sneaky, pleasure seeking girl now learnt humiliation and the mother-inlaw strapped her to a tree in the village.

The dead husband's wife then emerged, happy that her unfaithful husband was now dead and she approached Ylaya who was weak and was an ideal target. The mother-in-law and the whole tribe left as the two women gazed upon each other. They looked at each other straight in the eyes and a psychological conflict began. There was not even a duel. Afterwards the old mother-inlaw returned with the tribe, Ylaya could not continue after such a disaster and cryed out as the other instilled her dominance and smiled. Ylaya had lost this battle and her reputation was lost. She felt disgusted with this loss, but never looked back.

As a final humiliation, the wife took Ylaya and threw her into a mud pool where she belonged because she was now dirt to her. When faced with her father she begged for forgiveness but was cast aside and she ran away into the wilderness. She thought and something inside her called for the act of revenge. Before she left she decided to take her revenge and poisoned the mother-inlaw who had discovered her and her lover. After this murder she managed to drug the ex-wife and but 'put' goes here, I think her in the position she had been strapped to the same pole. Assuming that the next two sentences are part of this paragraph, please remove this enter.
She then indulged in revenge and reclaimed a sense of dominance. The body of the ex-wife was never found, however, everyone suspected that Ylaya had been the culprit of both murders.

For this crime she was sentenced to death, but she was never found and her father secretly covered alot of it up, but never forgave his daughter who had so much promise.

Thus ended her time in her homeland and she left for pastures new. Her beauty was still divine and she had some very good skill with the blade. Things she learnt from her early youth were to never get caught in the act, watch your back and always be stronger than your competition or get your own back quickly. Although, she learnt very little in terms of restraint and was still a slave to her pleasures. Basically, she had always wanted more for some reason and wanted to exercise her darkest passions in the wilderness away from her own tribe and race. She now had the chance to do so and her beauty manipulated the minds of many men who saw her beauty as perfection.

She traveled the world joining the ranks of assassins, spys and mercenaries as she pursued her pleasures. She lives to take risks and has never spoken of her past and blocked it in her mind to some extent. She still wants the same things from before today, but now seeks a sense of power over all that she sees and she will never let anyone beat her again in such a manner.

I am not exactly clear as to why she especially wants to dominate men. Apart from that, and the few corrections I made, the history reads well to me.

Weapons: Ylaya carries two long daggers with her at all time that slot into pouches on the right and the left of her boots. These daggers are curved and jagged. These daggers are used to murder, secure a hostage or gather information. I would suggest either 1) combining these last two sentences or 2) starting that last sentence with something other than 'These daggers', as it seems a bit repititive to me. Also maybe consider starting the crossbow on a new line. She also has a single handed crossbow which was a gift from a human lover who became the first victim of it's use. It uses bolts tipped with the venomous poison of an unknown snake.

Belongings: Ylaya carries very little in the terms of 'belongings', however she does have some basic currency and a jewel given to her by one of her lovers, this jewel was nothing special, but it has a strange alluring glow to it that can not be ignored. A perfect tool for distraction or just a souvenir, no one knows where it came from.



Overall, I enjoyed your CD, Ylaya. I made a number of suggestions for you to consider and a few corrections as well. I'll get another CD Moderator to take a look at your CD's Strengths and Weaknesses to give you further advice on that.

I look forward to reading your updates ... and please ask if you have any questions.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Coór'hém Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on October 01, 2009, 06:22:29 AM
To add on to Dek's suggestion, particularly for the sake of the moderators who do have to decide whether or not your character is balanced, you may wish to include that "Knowledge and Training of a ___ year-old" in some fashion.

As a 47 year-old Coor'hem, you have the proportionate K&T of a 22 year-old-human. I personally feel that the level of skill you have described in blades there is a little on the high end for a 22 year-old. You'll either want to tone down the skill, or increase the age. Either one would be an effective fix.


Remember to integrate all suggestions and COLOUR all the changes you make.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 02, 2009, 03:30:58 AM
Ok, the necessary changes have been made guys.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Azhira Styralias on October 03, 2009, 07:56:32 PM
Hello Ylala!

Oops, forgot to fix your age, as Valan mentioned. May I point you to the elven age calculator. As you can see, a 47 year old elf (elves live a long time) is about the same in skill level as a 22 year old human. You are far too young to have learned all those weapon skills. I suggest making yourself a bit older, say...70 to 80 elf years?

Age Calculator (http://aocrpginfo.awardspace.com/EAC/services/elven_aging_conversion.htm)


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 03, 2009, 08:43:47 PM
Ok, changed, what next?


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on October 03, 2009, 11:31:38 PM
Ok, I will be commenting in blue, and, if need be, highlighting in red.

Name: Ylaya

Gender: Female

Age: 70

Race:
Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Hired Assassin, Spy and/or Saboteur

Title: Temptress

Character Portrait:
(http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/1548/convertedylaya.jpg)

Overview: Ylaya has and will always want to dominate those around her. As a member of the Cor'hm dark elves she is very attractive to say the least, decisive and manipulative. As an agent of foul craft she is often conniving, cruel and bitter. Still quite young and like all the Cor'hm shes sees herself as superior to all those around her, especially men.

Appearance:

Height: 2 Peds

Weight:  1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, 10 Mut.

Eye Colour:
Black

Hair Colour:
Black

Physical Appearance: Ylaya is very slender and her figure is almost perfect among her races standards. She is ultimately attractive to any man's eyes. Also, she has very pale skin, long pointed ears and dark intoxicating eyes. Her ears in particular are a little longer than would usually be expected for her tribe. She also has black tattoos over her belly and arms and they look like pointed blades spread out in all directions over her skin. In comparison to her body, her arms and legs are quite long and her hands are very soft. Her back is also very straight and this gives her figure a sense of presence about it that cannot be ignored.  This is a good appearance section, but might I suggest putting some more detail here? The more the better, because this section helps people picture your character more easily when you're RPing. You might want to give a more detailed description of the tattoos.

Clothing:
Ylaya is dressed for battle all of the time unless she is undressed or undercover. Her outfit consists of a tights leather garment that goes around her shoulders and neck. Apart from this garment around her neck and shoulders she wears very little between it and her waist. The tattoos are clearly visible on her belly and she has a belt on her waist. This belt incorporates a very long piece of cloth that runs between her legs and skulls are attached on the sides of the belt. The linen used between her legs is decorated with black and purple snake like images. Under her semi-skirt she wears a pair of tight black stockings that go from her feet to above her knees and they are tied to her waist on her belt. These are covered by two boots fitted with armoured panels which are also attached to her belt over the stockings. 

In addition to the above she has many arrow shaped blades in her hair that bunch some of her hair together. She also wears a leather crown around the front of her head with a small spike in the middle and she has earings. One is a ring shape and made from a silver and the other is another arrow blade that is attached with a thin chain. This is also very well-written. To me, it reads well, and is greatly descriptive. If you think you could add more, please, go right ahead. It is fine as it is, however.

Personality: Ylaya is not foolishly obsessed with money or fame. All she wants is to be respected and and feared if needs be. She will be treacherous, sinister and manipulative to any ends to be dominant over others and especially men. This is down to an in built inferiority complex that was instilled in her from training and men to her have always been disgusting beasts that need to behave or enslaved. She has always thought that without men the world would be a much cleaner place, but as they are here to stay she will take advantage of them and show that she is a superior woman.  

In reference to that superiority, she has always wants to be the dominant ruler and shes knows how to get what she wants. Whether that it involves being manipulative or ruthless, it makes no difference to her. In addition, she will alternate personalities to make it easier to approach others and can play the talkative, attractive princess very well. Though, it should be warned that those who fall for her false images, be prepared for all sorts of foul play when your usefulness has ended. Once again, nicely done. Though, you could use some more detail here. Your personality reflects how your character would act in every situation. Try giving some examples as to how your character would act, such as when she isn't on the job, and when she is, and when she is among friends(assuming she has any). You might also want to give her point of view on things such as music, religion, the other races, her morals, etc.

Strengths:

Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men will often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately. Others take persuasion and this comes to her naturally as if she had tamed men all her life. She can cry, look innocent and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event. In the end these characteristics and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf.  I think persuasion would be a separate strength. You might want to put it under its own heading. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and to say that you can seduce almost all men would mean that every male in a story would be after you. That is RPing for other people's characters, and every male in a story may choose to not fall under her charm. This may be a problem. I do get where you're coming from though. Maybe change it to sex appeal?

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or using acrobatics to do do. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations when facing heavy armoured warriors she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there.  

Manipulative/Decisive: Although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyones view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage, she can be very seductive when it suits her. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire.  

Blade Skill: Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations an art form and the precision of her blade is often very good. However, still being young she has alot more to learn and sometimes she can get carried away and lose her footing. Her training was not entirely complete before she left her village.


Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness:
She has always looked after herself and in many situations this has saved her in the past. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned.

Crossbow Knowledge and use of Poision Arrows:
Ylaya never really used the ranged weapons, apart from hunting in her childhood with a short bow and she was only given the single handed crossbow as a present by one of her lovers. It was light, quick and accurate. She could immediatly see the weapon as a key part of her strategy and trained with until she was effective at mid to long ranges. The adding of the poision was one element she saw as crucial due to the crossbow's difficultly to reload quickly, the poision applied made the single handed crossbow worth taking on missions.  
 
Weaknesses:

Inferiority complex:
Ylaya will always have a problem with being beaten or outperformed either in love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training.

Jealously: As already stated, she sees her image as the best and anyone who dares to match her or challenge her in conflict or especially love will be hated and despised. Competition is something she has no time for, unless she is the winner and if she loses, revenge will always be the option for her.

Looks are everything to her: Without her beauty she feels insecure and helpless. Without her image that she has built up she will lose confidence with her mastery of the blade and crossbow. Yet her image is the thing she will always protect and use against the enemy. It is one of her most powerful tools and is used, never abused, yet.

Ruthlessness:  May go to many lengths to reach her goals as already seen above and she does this without considering her safety. Still quite young she can be arrogant and not take into account the impact of what she does on anyone else.

Psychological issues: Although nothing has happened yet to give any hint of mental trauma, Ylaya may suddenly break out psychologically if she is put under extreme stress or challenged by someone who can match her ego. For instance, if she found the right man and he could overcome her, she might breakdown under this and even lose some of her nerve. Questioning herself could be her undoing.   This seems balanced to me, but you may be a bit too strong. Try adding a physical hinderance, and then there should be no speculation on whether or not you are balanced. Also, make sure you explain how her strengths aid her, and her weaknesses hinder her. I would suggest going back over these and making sure you have done so.

History: Ylaya at birth was a blessing to her family, she performed well in her first training years and became a good daughter to her privileged family.  She had the necessary qualities that made her accepted. She was beautiful, skilled with a blade and was starting to earn respect due her power over the opposite gender. Her village was quite large really and her father ran the village as leader. In the village she was known as the one who was to be admired, but respected and she was well informed, knowing everything about everyone.

Romance was a passion she indulged in when she was of age and in one instance she slept with another female drow's husband in her own village which was seen to her as fun and a risk. However, such men were never using her because it had been taught by her mother from birth that men must be conquered and that in any relationship or conflict the other sex should always be lesser to your own. To be toyed with or used at one's leisure. This was and is the Cor'hm way.  

Though, risks to her were part of her everyday life and she once stole some silver as part of a dare and was never punished for the crime, but only questioned about the incident. Some in her village were beginning to ask questions about her wanderings into other communities and she had many lovers, some without permission. When she returned to the female drow's husband in her village for supposedly the fourth time, this was when she was discovered in the middle of the night.

Whilst in the act of extreme pleasure with the husband of a woman she knew and often met with she was pulled back by his mother-inlaw strangely who had been outside. Ylaya had no weapons with her. The wife of the husband had probably had a long conversation or something with her mother and she had decided to take action. The drow male jumped up in fright of being discovered and was stabbed by his mother-inlaw for such a disgusting betrayal of his marriage vows. He was not deserving of her daughter's marriage.

He apparently got off easy and fell back into his bed surrounded by a pool of blood. This mother-inlaw was on a rampage. Ylaya was not so lucky as the husband she had been manipulating and the mother-inlaw grabbed her by the hair and pulled her outside half naked into the street. Many in the village came out to see what was going on and the mother-inlaw made an exhibition of Ylaya in front of the village. The rich, sneaky, pleasure seeking girl now learnt humiliation and the mother-inlaw strapped her to a tree in the village.

The dead husband's wife then emerged, happy that her unfaithful husband was now dead and she approached Ylaya who was weak and was an ideal target. The mother-inlaw and the whole tribe left as the two women gazed upon each other. They looked at each other straight in the eyes and a psychological conflict began. There was not even a duel. Afterwards the old mother-inlaw returned with the tribe, Ylaya could not continue after such a disaster and cryed out as the other instilled her dominance and smiled. Ylaya had lost this battle and her reputation was lost. She felt disgusted with this loss, but never looked back.

As a final humiliation, the wife took Ylaya all throughout the village and displayed her as a trophy. Ylaya felt humiliated and was most surely damaged mentally by the incident. When faced with her father she begged for forgiveness but was cast aside and she ran away into the wilderness. She thought and something inside her called for the act of revenge. Before she left she decided to take her revenge and poisoned the mother-inlaw who had discovered her and her lover. After this murder she managed to drug the ex-wife and put her in the position she had been strapped to the same pole. She then indulged in revenge and reclaimed a sense of dominance. The body of the ex-wife was never found, however, everyone suspected that Ylaya had been the culprit of both murders.

For this crime she was sentenced to death, but she was never found and her father secretly covered alot of it up, but never forgave his daughter who had so much promise.

Thus ended her time in her homeland and she left for pastures new. Her beauty was still divine and she had some very good skill with the blade. Things she learnt from her early youth were to never get caught in the act, watch your back and always be stronger than your competition or get your own back quickly. Although, she learnt very little in terms of restraint and was still a slave to her pleasures. Basically, she had always wanted more for some reason and wanted to exercise her darkest passions in the wilderness away from her own tribe and race. She now had the chance to do so and her beauty manipulated the minds of many men who saw her beauty as perfection.

She traveled the world joining the ranks of assassins, spys and mercenaries as she pursued her pleasures. She lives to take risks and has never spoken of her past and blocked it in her mind to some extent. She still wants the same things from before today, but now seeks a sense of power over all that she sees and she will never let anyone beat her again in such a manner.  This section appears fine to me. Though, keep in mind that almost all of the stories here take place in Sarvonia. Your elf is in Nybelmar. You might want to have her travel to Sarvonia, so that you have a reason to be in the stories. I enjoyed reading this section very much, and it was not at all dull, not that it's required to be exciting, but it was just enjoyable to read.

Weapons:
Ylaya carries two long daggers with her at all times that slot into pouches on the right and the left sides of her boots and they are curved and jagged.  The daggers are used to murder, secure a hostage or gather information and they are the same ones she used when she was still in her village. They are of fine craft and very light.  

The use of a single handed crossbow which was a gift from a human lover who became the first victim of it's use is also still in her possession. It uses bolts tipped with the venomous poison of an unknown snake. It is an accurate, fast and cheap weapon for her. Usually as a last resort.  You might want to add some more description to these weapons, in terms of what they look like. You also might want to add something in the terms of a fighting style section here. It might help envision how she would, well, fight in RPing. Fighting, however happens rarely here.

Belongings:
Ylaya carries very little in the terms of 'belongings', however she does have some basic currency and a jewel given to her by one of her lovers, this jewel was nothing special, but it has a strange alluring glow to it that can not be ignored. A perfect tool for distraction or just a souvenir, no one knows where it came from.  You might want to add more here. How does she eat? Does she have food rations and/or cooking supplies with her? How does she get water? Does she have a water skin? I think this section needs more detail.

I very much enjoyed reading your CD. It is very creative, and well-written. You might want to go over your CD for grammar and puctuation mistakes, and do a bit of a spell-check, though I found little wrong in this aspect. Once again, I really enjoyed reading it, and I wish you luck on your road to approvals and titling. :thumbup:  :)


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 04, 2009, 05:50:17 PM
Oh  :grin: cheers mate, thanks for the comments! I made the proposed changes to it and it is alot better, good advice. Anyone else?   


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on October 05, 2009, 05:05:17 AM
Question mark is only to be used by mods to indicate that a specialist is needed - using it yourself only confuses us!

I also think you're very overpowered.  From the way your strengths are written it seems like as soon as you get in to a fight you'll immediately spring on your opponent and either hamstring or slit his throat within seconds.  I think a story mod would find this very hard to deal with!  I would make it clear that she'd have to be pretty darn lucky for this to be successful, and remind the reader that her weapons are short range - i.e. she doesn't have much reach - she *must* get up close to be successful.  This will show that she does have limits and will make the mods a lot happier.  I would also lessen her ability with the crossbow, make her able to miss.  Seriously, it's far more fun to play a character who makes mistakes than one who smoothly completes every task.  Most of your weaknesses seem unlikely to ever come up too - I'd change that and make her more likely to loose her nerve, more obsessed by beauty (a drink stain sends her wild?).  As well as making you more balanced unpredictability will really be much more fun to play - you can really confuse the other characters and constantly twist the way things are going.

Hope that helps and good luck with your speedy titlement,

Rookie x


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 05, 2009, 05:25:14 AM
Ok, I can change it a bit more, but one mod says it's balanced and then another mod says it is not, I can't understand when to change stuff and when not to. I thought she was balanced now? Obviously not..  :undecided:

Who is going to approve my CD anyway?


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on October 05, 2009, 05:29:17 AM
Well, Rookie is higher than me, and has been around way longer. I would take her advice over mine, on most any aspect. Thanks! :)


Title: Re: Ylaya/Coór'hém Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on October 05, 2009, 05:31:11 AM
And remember that mods are people as well. We're not around all the time. Asking for approvals in the way you just have just might increase the amount of time you spend waiting, rather than hastening it. Sylvia also mentioned that it seemed balanced but might be a bit overpowered. The context of words is important after all.



Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on October 05, 2009, 05:34:39 AM
Aww sorry Sylv, I read Dek's comments the other day saying he wasn't sure if it was balanced or not and had a moment of time now so I thought I'd help out. I missed your comments in my enthusiasm. Sorry!

And people with a yellow name and shiny plaque saying "CD Moderator" will be the ones to make the final decision - feel free to wait for one of them if you'd like Ylaya :).


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 05, 2009, 05:36:16 AM
Ok, I added another weakness, 'weapons - must be close to be effective' and reduced the crossbow and blade effectiveness. Is that enough or is more required to balance it? Sorry for being rude :(


Title: Re: Ylaya/Coór'hém Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on October 05, 2009, 05:39:50 AM
To further clarify, when I suggested you alter your age, I meant in order to balance the strengths you had then. Not that you could alter your age and add even more strengths. As is, your character is wildly unbalanced, and you should consider dropping at least one or two of the strengths you have now.

Strengths are meant to be balanced against an average person, likely some schmoe of a farmer out in the middle of nowhere with a field of potatoes. If you can use a knife, regardless of whether or not you need to close the distance to harm him with it, it's a strength and not a weakness you can count.

Strengths and Weaknesses being balanced is not a numeric value so much as it is a measure of how strong the strengths are compared to how debilitating a weakness is. Having no legs is a weakness. Not being able to kill someone at twenty paces isn't.


Valan Nonesuch


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on October 05, 2009, 05:44:44 AM
To add to what Valan said - most of your weaknesses will never actually come about, you even say this in your descriptions of them.  Therefore they barely count against a strength she uses constantly/daily.  You can still do your ninja leaping-slashing thing too....which would just beat any normal enemy in two seconds.  This worries me :P  I would put the short distance thing into your blade strength - it limits a strength rather than being a weakness itself.  If that makes sense?

Apologies for my bluntness - I really like your writing, and would love to see this character in play.  I'm far less blunt to people who have a long way to go ;). It's just this character won't quite work on this site yet - needs a bit of tweaking.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 05, 2009, 05:51:36 AM
Right, got you. Wait, I thought there was not much fighting anyway in stories? Besides, Ylaya does not really get into brawls so I doubt blades are used often in every single post. Besides, I like seeing my character lose sometimes or suffer a bit, I will control her limited power, don't worry about that.

Ok, so what strengths should I remove? The crossbow?


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on October 05, 2009, 06:19:58 AM
That is really up to you. Like I said, a physical injury is really the "cure-all" for most unbalanced characters. You could also try a mental illness, such as paranoia or hysteria. Just some thoughts.

@Rookie: It's ok, when you're not a mod, people tend to over-look you. :grin:


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on October 05, 2009, 06:43:01 AM
Ylaya, that isn't the point. The character will be balanced, regardless of the situations that may occur. Someone may eventually put out a story that involves fighting.

As for which strengths you remove, the mods are not here to do your work for you. Suggestions have been made, I suggest you follow them.

Do you understand?


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Azhira Styralias on October 05, 2009, 11:02:19 AM
Ok, I had a chance to read this over...and I agree its very unbalanced.

1. Your strengths are all extraordinary with weaknesses that may hinder you, and may not. In many situations, your strengths will be an advantage, but your weaknesses hardly count for alot. Weaknesses hinder you most all the time, not just certain times when your ego gets damaged. And jealousy is not a weakness that balances superb blade and crossbow skill.

2. You need to change either your weaknesses or your strengths for balance. First, if you keep your strengths, you'll need to revise your weaknesses or make new ones that are very detrimental to you and/or your skills.

3. If you keep your weaknesses as they are, you'll need to remove some strengths. For example, you mention bow and poison skills, and later in the history section, mention being able to survive in the wilds. I would remove ALL of those. Being attractive, agile and skilled with blades are all typical Coor'hem traits that are fine to have (my own Coor'hem character has similar skills, but I am balanced with very powerful weaknesses that I must overcome on a daily basis or I'd die!)

4. I see no mention in your history of how you were trained in all of your skills. How did you become an assassin? Who trained you? Your history covers a few events in your life, but never explains your training or how your weaknesses came about. One of the things about writing CDs is explaining your story, not giving yourself strengths and not expecting to explain them somehow. For example, all mage character CDs are expected to explain how they learned their magic. Its part of showing the CD Mods that you understand how the process of playing in this fantasy world works.

There are many other good balanced CDs that can perhaps help you. Search through the archives to get some ideas (but don't steal them!). Disease, physical ailments, bad habits, mental disorders (not jealousy!) and addictions are but a few that myself and others have used. Remember, they must be REAL weaknesses, not superficial ones.

Good luck! I'll be watching.  ;)


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 05, 2009, 11:55:30 PM
Ok, I took away the crossbow and will now just keep to the blades. I have also taken off Jealousy and replaced it with her lack of armour and weakness against the elements and magic.

I will also add to how she got the strengths and weaknesses in the history. Take another look, should be more balanced now.  :azn:


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on October 06, 2009, 12:06:17 AM
Sorry to break it to you, but lack of armour and magic don't count as weaknesses. You're compairing yourself to the average peasant who has neither of these things.  Unless she's particularly weak or particularly terrified of magic, they can't be weaknesses.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 06, 2009, 02:27:57 AM
How do you compare a common peasant to an elf trained in war, as if a peasant could ever match someone with magical abitilies or a warrior, I think this balance is a bit silly. Some characters might not just have many weaknesses, why is that a problem? A peasant with a pitch fork could never beat a superior knight with heavy armour and a giant sword, so why change it?

Also, can't you find you own weaknesses in the game instead of complaining about it in the CD? I don't understand this forum, everyone is a CD moderator and no one actually RPs, no wonder people are annoyed and 90% of those who make a character quit within an hour. Perfection is a waste of time if no one is actually posting in the game. I am really having trouble in changing these weaknesses because one person tells you something and then someone else says something completely different. You keep adding to the list of changes. You say make these changes and then add another bunch after that in the next post.

Please, just tell me what I have to do, all of it?


Title: Re: Ylaya/Coór'hém Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on October 06, 2009, 02:40:08 AM
Ylaya, if you take issue with the way we do things here, I would politely and strongly suggest that you leave. The issues have been outlined to you several times. This is how we do things. If you can't deal with it, then kindlly get the hell out of Dodge.


Valan Nonesuch


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 06, 2009, 03:25:14 AM
Valan, why are you so mad, is this your life or something?


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Azhira Styralias on October 06, 2009, 03:28:18 AM
Quote
Ylaya, if you take issue with the way we do things here, I would politely and strongly suggest that you leave. The issues have been outlined to you several times. This is how we do things. If you can't deal with it, then kindlly get the hell out of Dodge.


Valan Nonesuch

Valan, this was not necessary. Forgive me for pointing this out in public, but these comments do not help.

@ Ylala

You must understand the general picture of this game. Characters in the Santharia RP board are created to play in a fantasy world where interaction and fighting take place. It is not fun to play a character with alot of powers and no weaknesses. This is not the movies where the hero can dodge bullets and destroy armies of enemies without breaking a sweat. This is meant to be "realistic" in that you are limited in what you can do. Your character cannot be played as a Superman (or woman).

Now, all characters are compared to a peasant who typically cannot read, write or wield any kind of sword. Do not take for granted that your character automatically knows how to wield a blade or wear armor or manipulate people easily. Everyone in real life has to LEARN how to do these things, same as your character does. Most Coor'hem are taught from an early age to wield a blade and are generally agile, quick people. Some tribes have natural affinities towards such things. BUT if you have these strengths, you must balance them with other weaknesses. Remember, you are not Super Elf Warrior.

Most peasants also are not exposed to magic, so being weak to magic is not suitable. Most every person in this world is weak to magic. Remember, no one is Superman! Without your training, you would be no different than a peasant who grows corn for a living. So, your training counts as a strength.

People DO play the game and RP. There are several games open. The CD Forum is managed by the CD Moderators and Administrators.

Administrators (Red names and plaque) - They run the show around here. They let the CD Mods manage the CD forum and they can make the FINAL word on all matters. If a CD Mod has a question, we go to the Admin.

CD Moderator (see our plaque? We have yellow names in the Users Online box) - What we say about your CD matters. We approve and we don't approve. Follow our advice and you'll be approved. Period.

Mini-Moderators (Green names and plaque) - The Minis help with comments and propose revisions. They do NOT approve CDs. Follow their advice, but if in doubt, as a CD Mod for the final word.

Everyone else - Other non-mods are free to comment, and listen to them as well. But they cannot approve either. If advice conflicts with the CD Mod, then follow the CD Mod's words.

Now go back to what I have been saying and we'll get this approved. Don't be frustrated, just keep working. You are closer to approval, just need to tweak those weaknesses some more.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 07, 2009, 01:41:07 AM
Ok, I changed the weaknesses again and balanced it up a bit more. 6 strengths to 6 weaknesses. Is that enough or do you think one or two more weaknesses are needed.  :huh:


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on October 07, 2009, 06:29:59 AM
As mentioned before weaknesses are not thought to be balanced based on a purely numerical basis. 6 to 6 could still be obscenely unbalanced, while a character with 4 strengths and one weakness that happens to be that they can't move their legs might be considered fine.

As to the specific point of your weaknesses:
Quote
Psychological issues after humiliation in the past: Although nothing has happened yet to give any hint of mental trauma, Ylaya may suddenly break out psychologically if she is put under extreme stress or challenged by someone who can match her ego. For instance, if she found the right man and he could overcome her, she might breakdown under this and even lose some of her nerve. Questioning herself could be her undoing and if someone reminds of her past she may lose her decisive attitude and confidence.

Blades characteristics are very important/Weapon choice: Although her blades are a great advantage combined with her skill in surprise attacks, they are not very strong when matched against something brutal like a long sword, axe or hammer. Against such weapons they will shatter after a couple of blocking moves. Her blades are designed for stealthly attack, not engagement of the kind most warriros prefer. Opponents who can find this weakness in her blades can simply overwhelm her and shatter her weapon of choice and confidence.
These do not qualify as weaknesses. The first contains enough "maybe"-esque-ness that you could probably ignore it completely. The second, as has been mentioned before, does not apply as a weakness.

Now, all characters are compared to a peasant who typically cannot read, write or wield any kind of sword.
Please keep this in mind and colour the changes you make.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on October 07, 2009, 06:46:26 AM
Quote
Ok, I changed the weaknesses again and balanced it up a bit more. 6 strengths to 6 weaknesses. Is that enough or do you think one or two more weaknesses are needed.

The balancing of Strengths and Weaknesses doesn't have to do with how many you have, it is how they either positively or negatively affect your character. You could have 3 Strengths and 6 Weaknesses and be balanced. Or even 5 Strengths and 2 Weaknesses and be balanced. It all depends on the wording and how they apply.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 07, 2009, 08:51:28 PM
I have added a foot wound given to her when she was beaten in the village. Don't know if that counts for anything, but it must be healed or she is immobilized.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Azhira Styralias on October 07, 2009, 09:54:44 PM
Ok...the foot weakness still doesn't seem to work. With that, you are no longer agile and become crippled. It defeats the purpose.

Let's walk through this one at a time.

Strengths:

Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately.  In the end these characteristics and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf. Though, it should be noted not all men fall for her sex appeal.

(Ok, you're very pretty. This is a fine strength and you use it to your advantage. HOWEVER, you should know that dark elves are generally not trusted by most races - especially other elves! So no matter how pretty you are, you will still be viewed as an enemy to many people. In fact, make that a weakness!)

Persuasion: Ylaya has often saved herself trouble in the past through the art of persuasion and her ability to play the innocent character has meant she has gone under the radar of potential enemies. For instance, she can cry if she needs to look sad, look innocent in the face of someone more powerful and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event has occured. Even when captured, Ylaya has been known to turn the eyes of a warlord or barbarian and make him release her. She will also lie if it helps her to persuade someone.

(Ok, you are persuasive and have a golden tongue. In fact, I would combine this strength with manipulative. Call it "Wicked Tongue" or "Golden Speech" as a general catch all term for your keen abilities of speech.)

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or using acrobatics to do do. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations when facing heavy armoured warriors she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there. Her agility makes her a formidably opponent for a short period of time, after about 10 minutes her speed will gradually decrease.

(I would call this strength Agility. Also, make sure you mention in your history of your training in this area. Most elves are agile and quick, its a racial trait (and makes you above most peasants) and thus can count.)

Manipulative/Decisive: Although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyones view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage, she can be very seductive when it suits her. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire. <---- REMOVE, see comment above.

Blade Skill: Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations an art form and the precision of her blade is often very good. However, still being young she has alot more to learn and sometimes she can get carried away and lose her footing. Her training was not entirely complete before she left her village, but it helps her complete her occupation to a very good standard. Though, whilst in combat Ylaya usually has to be close to her opponent to do the damage necassary and her dagger relie on being close to the enemy to be effective. If Ylaya is not close enough, her attacks may be stopped in there tracks.

(Blade skill is a fine strength. Mention your training in the history. No further issues here.)

Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness: She has always looked after herself and in many situations this has saved her in the past. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned. This allows her to make the choices and gives her a sense of control. <---- Remove.

(This is vague and doesn't make sense as a strength. I think I understand what you mean, but this could be made into a weakness instead.)

 Weaknesses:

Inferiority complex: Ylaya will always have a problem with being beaten or outperformed either in love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training.

(This weakness can instead become Perfectionist. You are obsessed with winning, being right, being the top dog. You constantly worry about being beaten and becoming second best. Failure is not an option. So much so, that it drives you to take otherwise unnecessary risks that endanger you.)

Overconfident: Her recent successes have made her very overconfident and she has not learnt much since she left home in reality. Her training has become more and more dilluted over the time she has spent around the average commoner. She has become partly obsessed with her own skills and has not yet been brought down to earth with the limits of her skill. This overconfidence has made her arrogant and sometimes self-obsessive.

(You are attractive, cunning and agile. Of course, overconfidence is going to happen. Much like being a perfectionist, you tend to take risks you wouldn't otherwise take. And it gets you in trouble!)

Looks are everything to her: Without her beauty she feels insecure and helpless. Without her image that she has built up she will lose confidence with her mastery of the blade. Yet her image is the thing she will always protect and use against the enemy. It is one of her most powerful tools and is used, never abused, yet. It could be argured that she is squeamish of dirt, vomit or anything that is messy which effects her image. <---- REMOVE. This weakness is very superficial and doesn't really count.

Wounded right foot: During her scuffle in her home village as everyone seemed to bring down all their hatred on her, her foot was badly hurt. It was an injury that would return on a weekly basis from that point on. After all, it was partly crushed in a unique way, so it would never heal. From the outside it looks fine, but when the pain returns every week due to the damage it must be treated through stretching it and relaxing or else it can immobilize her. Such a healing activity can take about an hour and if not done every week this can increase the length that the pain remains making it hard for her to move or achieve anything. This is one of her most crucial weak spots and a physical disability that will never heal. <---- REMOVE. This conflicts with your appearance/agility strengths and there is no real reason to have it.

Anxiety: Although cool and calculating most of the time Ylaya is still a very anxious individual undernearth all her weapons and thigh heeled boots. This may have been triggered by her father's rejection of her or the thought that she is not in control of a situation. In the event that anxiety comes forward she often loses breath and fatigue kicks in reducing her to not even being able to walk. <---- REMOVE. This ties into your perfectionist/overconfidence issues. Not needed here.

(Recommended weaknesses:

RACE - Now, one major weakness you'll have as I mentioned above is your race. The fact that you are a dark elf makes you an enemy to many other races, especially other elves. And, in a story, you'll come into contact with others. Most likely, if you are seen, you will become a BIG target. My own dark elf must remain hidden or else she risks being killed on sight. That makes it fun to play an assassin type, but also limits my ability to interact with others.

LANGUAGE - You are from Nybelmar, and a Coor'hem, where the standard Santharian language is not spoken or taught (called Tharian). Thus, not knowing how to speak to most people is a major weakness. You'll have to figure out how to do this. And, don't try to add it as a strength as it would make no sense for a Coor'hem to learn Tharian nor would anyone even teach her (she's an evil dark elf!) You know the elven tongue, Styrash, and can only speak to elves (but who is going to talk to a dark elf? You're evil!!)

Add those weaknesses and I can give you a first approval.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 08, 2009, 10:39:09 PM
Ok, I have made the nessassary changes.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Azhira Styralias on October 08, 2009, 10:50:06 PM
Yup, much better balanced now.  :thumbup:

First Approval  :pet:


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 09, 2009, 03:43:41 AM
Awhh, thanks. One more!  :grin:


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on October 09, 2009, 03:56:24 AM
You addressed all of Azhira's comments, and I see nothing wrong with it either.

So, I am pleased to give you your 2nd approval!  :pet: :thumbup: :number1: :clap:

Now then, if you could remove the unneeded colours from your CD, Kalina/Alt will get it archived for you.

Congrats


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on October 09, 2009, 04:11:06 AM
All colours removed.  :)


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on October 09, 2009, 06:00:56 AM
Titled and Archived.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on November 15, 2010, 08:09:31 AM
I've brought this back from the archives, just as you requested.

Edit: Your status has been changed to (http://www.santharia.com/forum/exclamation.gif) comments welcomed. So, everyone knows now that it is up for commenting again.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on November 17, 2010, 09:40:34 AM
Thanks Scriabin. Well it's ready for comments and hopeful reapproval.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on November 17, 2010, 11:09:23 AM
I'm sorry, but I wasn't part of your initial titling process, so I don't know what it is you've changed. Please color the changes you have made, my friend.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on November 17, 2010, 10:10:22 PM
I'm sorry, but I wasn't part of your initial titling process, so I don't know what it is you've changed. Please color the changes you have made, my friend.

Done, the few changes I have made are in Navy.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on November 18, 2010, 05:17:45 AM
The changes are pretty minor, so I think we still have the same Ylava here. You have my approval.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on November 18, 2010, 11:00:27 AM
Quote
Under her semi-skirt she wears a pair of tight black armoured stockings that go from her feet to half way up her thighs and they are strapped light to her legs.

I think you meant 'tight'.

Other than some sporadic spelling and grammar errors, I think the current adjustments are find.


Title: Re: Ylaya/Cor'hm Elf/Agent of Foul Craft
Post by: Ylaya on November 18, 2010, 11:13:09 AM
Quote
Under her semi-skirt she wears a pair of tight black armoured stockings that go from her feet to half way up her thighs and they are strapped light to her legs.

I think you meant 'tight'.

Other than some sporadic spelling and grammar errors, I think the current adjustments are find.

Yes, that was what I meant, error corrected.