Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters 2010 => Topic started by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 27, 2010, 07:31:09 AM



Title: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 27, 2010, 07:31:09 AM
NOTE:
Edited Sections: Magic, History, S&W, Belongings
New/Revamped Sections (no colour): Appearance, Personality
Changes made by myself will be written in a vibrant orange colour.

Name: Ridgen Sú'ufanán
Gender: Male
Age: 259 (Looks like a 30 year old human and has the knowledge and training of a 40 year old human)
Race: Elf
Tribe: Cyhallrhim Elves
Occupation: Water Magus/Tailor
Magic Level: 4
Title: Mindweaver

Overview:
An eccentric ice elf with a love for magic and a cheerful personality that never seems to waver.

Appearance

Height: 2 peds
Weight: 2 pygges
Hair Color: Very, very, very light Icy Blue
Eye Color: Milk White/Silvery Gray

Portrait:
(http://th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/361/1/0/a_different_sort_of_ridgy_by_ridgen-d4kfrvo.jpg)

Physical Appearance:
Ridgen is a two-ped tall Cyhallrhim with looks that would make him stand out in virtually any crowd, even if the crowd happens to be of people of his kind. Despite having looks similar to that of a human in his late twenties/early thirties, his hair is of an unnaturally light shade, and an even odder colour - very light blue. Said hair is often tied behind the elf's back, being long enough to reach his waist, and some of it can be seen covering part of his face as well. Beneath this tangle of oddly coloured hair is a pair of pointed ears, each extending to about a palmspan long - very long ears indeed. His face holds equally sharp features - although admittedly not as sharp as most Cyhallrhim, it exhibits a common Cyhallrhim trait - eyes that are virtually white. If one looks close enough, the eyes are revealed to be a very light shade of silver that matches the elf's pale complexion. Quite unlike a typical Cyhallrhim's, these eyes are open and expressive, often reflecting the tailor's mood.

The elf has a rather thinly built body with strength that it does not display. Looking at the magician, the phrase 'oddly elegant' comes to mind.

Clothing:
All of Ridgen's clothing are made by himself - being a tailor, clothing is never in short supply. He is often seen wearing a long-sleeved collared shirt hued to match the colours of Cyhalloian Snow, a fabric shirt that is rarely ever tucked in, and has funny-looking designs on it resembling snowflakes. Often covering his legs are a pair of denim trousers, plain as can be, hued a dark blue colour in contrast to the white top, and a pair of shoes made of a very thick fabric are often worn on the elf's feet. The elf also wears a rather thick belt, also made of the same tough fabric, from which Deathfrost - a cutting rapier - normally hangs.


Persona

Personality:
Cheerful. That's one word to describe the elf. The friendly, cheerful but a little bit odd elf with a happy-go-lucky attitude. Very talkative, very outgoing; a people person, some would say. An extravert. Open. Loyal. The elf has a bright personality, a most friendly attitude, and a view on life so positive some may go so far as to call it naivety. It's very easy to gain his trust... and very easy to gain his attention. Ridgen is one of those people who get distracted very easily and has a tendency to think of everything as a game - yes, there are consequences, but the whole point of life and everything is to have as much fun as possible. It's almost funny. Like the way his mood never seems to be anything but cheerful.

But it only seems that way. Normally, the magician stays cheerful, and retains a friendly, happy-go-lucky attitude. But when angered - this rarely ever happens - he seems to be a completely different person. The elf would retain a more frightening demeanor, an air of authority, as if he could do something to eliminate whatever was causing his anger. His gaze would harden into something that looks as if it could pierce glass, his body language would change entirely and his voice would retain a tone that says something along the lines of, 'don't you push your luck any further.' Suffice it is to say, this elf isn't someone you'd like to anger.

Notably, Ridgen has a thing for cookies. And toffee.


S & W

Strengths:

> Water Magic: Ridgen is a level 4 Water Magician. His magic is rather formidable for his level, and easily wards off hostile things, sentient or no. This also helps him in many ways outside of combat (e.g. cooling drinks, making people look at situations differently, gathering information, etc)

> Bilingual: Ridgen can speak fluently in both Tharian (The common language) and Styrash (The elven language), not to mention that he can read and write in both languages. His manner of speaking is rather idiosyncratic. It's important to note that the dialect of Styrash he speaks is rather different from the dialects of Santharia, although after a few years in Santharia, he can easily understand Santharian dialects of the elven language.

> Tailor: Ridgen is also a tailor, which means he can mend any of his clothes, as well as gaining a nice amount of money by selling some tailor-made clothing. He would be happy to make any type of clothing, but he specializes in coats.

> Sensitive Ears: Ridgen has sensitive ears, which can pick up sound as easy as a rabbit's can. This is often useful for gathering information if needed.

> Swordplay: Thanks to Seran and Elric, but mostly Elric, Ridgen has decent skills with a cutting rapier - a unique kind of rapier with some level of cutting ability as well as stabbing capacity. His skills aren't that great, so he often combines it with low-level magic to compensate.


Weaknesses:

! Takes a while: It takes quite a while for Ridgen to complete some sort of task, due to him being distracted very easily. He may lose more than a few clients this way.

! That's so loud!: Sensitive ears can be a weakness as well as a strength. For one thing, when other people hear loud noises, he hears noises that are simply deafening!

! It's so warm here: Ridgen's body is adapted to life in the Cyhalloian tundra - and extremely cold place. He cannot stand higher temperatures.

! Inquisitive: The elf is far too curious for his own good. This has often landed him in more that a little amount of trouble.

! Naive: Outside, he's a fully grown elf. Inside, he's a child. He has a great lack of experience and is easy enough to trick, which poses a problem in a lot of situations.

! Split-personality: Unpredictable as the element water, the tailor, if angered to a certain point, would take on a more... frightening personality - almost murderous, in a sense. A weakness for some rather obvious reasons.

! Partial Blindness: Since birth, Ridgen is blind in his right eye. Although he's learnt to live with it, it's quite a hindrance in a lot of situations.


Magic

What: Water Magic
Ridgen is a level 4 water magician that specialises in using physical magic in conjunction with spiritual magic to make the most of his spells. In combat situations, he also tends to use magic in conjunction with swordplay for maximum effectiveness.

Why: Inquisitive Mind
Ridgen took up the practice of water magic simply because he wanted to know about it - what it is, how it works, how it's used, when and where it's used, and most of all, why it works. At the time when he begun learning how to use water magic, he was very interested in the one aspect of it - spiritual magic, and how it affects a person's mind. The element water suited him most as it is unpredictable, as well as being full of mystery, which makes the elf's desire to learn about it even stronger.

When, Where and How: During Combat
Most of Ridgen's spells are physical in nature, but he is more than capable of using spiritual magic where necessary.

Frost Shield is a  - it acts as a shield (albeit thin) to delay an incoming attack. Also, it is rather useful when the magician is facing an enemy that is rushing towards him, allowing him to make the assailant run into a thin, flat piece of ice that's likely to shatter into numerous (sharp) pieces of ice at the moment of contact, possibly causing cuts. To achieve said effect, Ridgen would hold a reagent in his hand (an aquamarine stone) and choose an empty space in the air in front of him. Then he taps into sII magic, moving water ounia in the air all around to the empty space, and proceeds to tap into sI magic - increasing the influence of the property of coldness in said ounia. The more ounia he can collect, the bigger and stronger the shield is, although a normal result would be that a relatively thin and not-so-large piece of ice would materialise in said space. The amount of ounia he could collect is reliant on the amount of moisture in the air - the rainier/more humid it is, the better.

Distraction is used by the magician to... well, distract the spell's target. Now a sentient being's attention is essentially an ordering of ounia within its car'all. By disrupting this order of ounia - as in taking the water ounia within said ordering and scattering them in random directions, making the target temporarily lose focus and forget what he/she is doing. Because this spell is instantaneous in its nature, it becomes very useful when combined with swordplay, and the elf, knowing this, practiced using said spell to a point where he could use it at a moment's notice.

Using Quicksand is convenient during situations where a stalke- err... enemy is following the elf or is just about to confront him. By increasing the physical influence of fluidity in the Water Ounia present in the ground below his target, the magician can create quicksands that can trap his opponent to about his ankles. Since the effect of spells are only temporary, anything caught up in the quicksand will be effectively trapped.

Some situations call for the obstruction of another's view. For these situations, Ridgen retains the ability to create a fog over a relatively small area, tapping into magic on the borderline of spheres one and two. In this case, he'd have to focus onto the water ounia in the air in front of the target's face, simultaneously increasing the influence of a property known as coalescence and (for extra measure) the influence of liquidity in the water ounia. Since coalescence is the tendency of water particles to be drawn to each other, its increased influence draws the water ounia closer to each other, thus creating a small pocket of fog - or really, just a pocket of air in which quite a few water ounia are bunched together. This requires a lot of concentration and energy, but if successful, can be very useful.

Note: Most of these spells can be combined with swordplay to further increase effectiveness in combat.

When, Where and How: Outside of Combat
Ridgen, inquisitive as he is, uses one spell to gain quite a bit of information. Said spell focuses on the water ounia within the target, increasing the influence of one property - serenity - and influencing the target in a way that makes them feel a bit safer, a little less worried about the world around them, and a little more calm.

The elf also has one or two party tricks up his sleeve. One of them is making very small bodies of water (or any other liquid, really) jump out of glasses, bowl, and the like. By simply guiding some of the water ounia in the water inside of any glass/bowl/whatever out of said container, the water will effectively 'jump' out of the glass/bowl. Another trick is to simply separate minuscule bodies of water - like a shallow pool of water in a bowl. Despite this requiring quite a bit of concentration, the magician can pull the trick off pretty well, by focusing on the water ounia in the centre of the tiny body of water and pulling them away from each other, creating a small gap of air where the water should be. It's only a party trick, though, and has no real use.

In Conclusion...
Water magic is used by the tailor as means of self defense and gaining information - as well as cooling down the occasional drink. Ridgen, as a scholar, of sorts, took it up for the sake of learning it - and found that it's quite valuable - well, usually.


History

The Orphanage
Ridgen was born in the cold islands of Cyhalloi - a place populated by a relatively antisocial group of elves - the Cyhallrhim. The orphanage was something that Ridgen hated - there, he was continually bullied by his peers because of his differences - the way he kept his hair long, his higher-pitched voice, among other things. They made his childhood a very miserable one. He was lonely as a child, his only friend being Faúr. Faúr, an agreeable elf just a few years older than Ridgen, is the most understanding out of all the orphans. Faúr is like an older brother figure towards the younger elf - which meant that leaving the orphanage also had a negative impact towards Ridgen.

Adoption
"Ridgen... There is someone I would like you to meet," said the orphanage's manager one day, after finding the child staring out his own window for more than a few minutes. The young elf managed to tear his gaze away and turn towards the elfess beside the manager. "This is Mistress Sú'ufanán. She... Well, she's decided to adopt you," the manager explained, seemed to pause, then, as a side comment, she added, "Mind you, she's a widow."

The elfess pretended not to hear the comment, and the manager proceeded to instruct Ridgen to pack his belongings. Not too long after, Ridgen arrived at a tower not too far from the orphanage. The elfess had introduced herself as Lina Sú'ufanán, a talented tailor. She has navy-blue hair that falls to her waist, as well as eyes that seem to smile, she is considered beautiful by many. Ridgen was quite content living with her.

Life at the Sú'ufanán Household
Life in Lina's home was pleasant, in stark contrast to life in the orphanage. Books are everywhere - the elf was taught to read and write - and the occasional elf would come in to have an item of clothing mended - the child was also taught how to sew, at a later age. The other families living with them at their tower - if you could call them that - are friendly enough.

The first family is composed of an old elf - named Seran - who is in charge of his orphaned grandchildren - twins, known as Reha and Kel. The twins were a few years older than Ridgen, and are quite friendly - which results in, after a little hesitation, all three of the children becoming friends - seeing as there are no other sociable children their age - well, not in the tower, in any case.

The other family is composed of 'royalties' - a normal three-person family, with a responsible mother, - named Leira - a rather lazy father - Gareth - and a somewhat spoiled brat of about the twin's age - a boy known as Diorn. Diorn was in no way sociable - not friendly, not sharing, not caring - well, you get the picture. Somewhat of a bully to the youngest elf - the youngest being Ridgen, by the way - Diorn is repeatedly told off by the twins for more than a few reasons.

So basically, life at the tower is a cycle between chores, the odd lesson, playing with the twins, avoiding Diorn, handling the occasional customer and maybe an odd event once in a while.

Magic Lessons
At that time, Ridgen had absolutely no interest in magic - he thought it was nothing but random words used to control the elements, that sometimes worked, sometimes failed - either way, it was nothing to him. Until he came across the spiritual side of magic, that is. Becoming more and more fascinated the more he read, he pleaded his mother to take him to someone who would teach him about magic - well, he didn't need to plead - Lina merely said, 'Just ask Seran,' and this lead to the boy discovering the old man's history - Seran had once left Cyhalloi, to Sarvonia, and returned to tell the most wonderful stories - and he also was a magician. The elderly elf didn't need much begging either - he was more than happy to impart some of his knowledge to Ridgen. And so one thing led to another and the lessons began.

The child was lectured on many things - how the car'all and ounia are very important to magic, how increasing certain properties may affect a person or thing, how there are a great many things that would always be beyond his capabilities and also some Tharian, for a lot of books about magic are written in this language. A lot of lessons involved ice blades, products of the magic they practised. On quite a few occasions, Seran taught Ridgen how to use magic in conjunction with swordplay. In any case, these lessons are sometimes interrupted by the twins - whether intentionally or not, but things went smoothly, and the child progressed to becoming a mage.

Across the Sea
At this point in time, after endlessly listening to Seran tell stories of the land across the sea, Ridgen had decided to set out for it - simply for the sake of going there. Packing what few things he had in a canvas backpack - including tailoring equipment given to him by his mother, and a number of provisions for the journey, the elf said his goodbyes - and left on a small boat, courtesy of the twins. The only problem was, he had an unexpected passenger.

Seran came along with Ridgen, to see to it that the elf made it to Sarvonia safely - and yes, the boat survived, after a few days at sea. The old elf passed Ridgen a few coins as well - seeing as he would need some money. And soon, both elves went their separate ways.

A Familiar Face in a Strange Place
After much travelling and recording, Ridgen arrived at the port city of Naurooth - and saw an elf he'd never thought he'd see again - Faúr. Both elves immediately recognised each other - there was a lot of reminiscing, and all in all, both were happy to see each other again. After a whole load of talking, Faúr found out why Ridgen came to be in Sarvonia, and vice versa. It turns out that Ridgen's childhood companion was there to find a different life - life on Cyhalloi was just too monotonous. In any case, they talked, and talked, and talked, until there was nothing more to talk about. And then the encounter was over. Faúr turned out to be quite a successful merchant.

Elric Frost
Ridgen met Elric one day in a tavern in Milkengrad. Elric Frost, a fifteen year old Centoraurian with a tendency to play games in the tavern, betting money on the line. The thing is, he never seems to lose. Quickly enough, the two became friends, their personalities so alike it's almost funny.

Lina's Death
Ridgen received news of Lina's death a few days after meeting Elric. Refusing to accept the fact, Ridgen didn't attend to Lina's funeral - to do so would bring grief too intense to bear. Being the person that he is, Elric soon found out - which isn't such a bad thing, for he helped Ridgen overcome his mother's death - much more quickly than he could alone. Ridgen's view of the world also changed - to a small degree. In any case, this incident is now long-forgotten.

Deathfrost
So on one day, after the elf had finally gotten used to the life he had chosen, he thought it'd be wise to buy a sword - naturally, being Ridgen, it never occurred to him that Seran's Ice Blade lessons would go to waste if he didn't have a sword in his possession - well, at least until something reminded him of Seran. The first person this elf turned to for such a weapon was Elric - he knew where to get them, clearly, for Ridgen often saw the boy armed with one. It wasn't always the same weapon.

Turns out that the magician was 'in luck', as Elric had put it, showing off quite a collection of swords - falchions, rapiers, two-handed swords, shortswords, etc. Out of all of these, the elf picked the Deathfrost, a light cutting rapier with a unique hilt. Its grip closely resembles that of a Cyhallrhim ice blade, coincidentally.

"Pay two haks and I'll throw in some lessons, as well as some maintenance equipment," Elric said bluntly. The sword was quite pricey.
"You've got yourself a deal," was the subsequent reply. Pricing didn't matter to the elf, so long as he got what he wanted.

The Shop
Ridgen ended up buying a shop located just outside Milkengrad - now called 'Custom Clothing'. For the colder half of the year, this shop is run by Ridgen, but for the warmer, it's virtually empty. It's quite simple, actually. This two-storey building is split into two areas - the ground floor is the shop area and the top floor becomes the living quarters, with two guest rooms. It has a small verandah out the front, which some people often use as shelter from the weather.

On one particular day, he spotted a girl sitting outside the shop, taking shelter from the rain. When she was asked why she was there, the girl - only about 11 years of age - burst into tears and cried everything out in an endless stream of words, explaining that she was thrown out by her parents, who no longer wished for anything to do with her, and that she had absolutely nowhere else to go. Naturally, Ridgen brought her in.

The girl, with nowhere else to go, stays with Ridgen for the colder half of the year, when the shop is open, and is free to go wherever she wishes when the shop is closed. She became known as Belle, and... well, became sort of an unofficial adopted daughter to the elf.

Well, that was six years ago. So, to sum it up, Ridgen now juggles his life between managing a shop, taking care of a seventeen year-old girl and exploring Sarvonia.


Belongings

Weapons:
- Level 4 Water Magic: It mightn't be much, but it can be used as a means of defense.
- Deathfrost: A gift from Elric, Ridgen possesses a cutting rapier with decent cutting ability in adition to a normal rapier's great stabbing capacity. Elric himself taught the elf how to use the sword.

Buildings:
'Custom Clothing' Tailoring Shop: A tailoring shop and a home rolled into one positioned just outside of Milkengrad. He runs it during the colder half of the year.

Other Stuff:
- A canvas backpack
- Needles
- A Box of threads with Autumnal Hues
- A Box of threads with Marine Hues
- Change of clothes identical to the ones he wear
- A Money Pouch
- Aquamarine Stones
- A Notebook
- A Quill
- Bottles of Ink
- A small carving knife
- A container to hold water in
- Maintenance equipment for the Deathfrost (namely sharpening stones)


Title: Re: Ridgen/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on January 27, 2010, 07:56:02 AM
Ok, I'll take a look at your physical description.

However, for future reference, it is normal practice to wait until after the whole CD is written before doing so. I don't have a lot of time, but I do have some pointers for you. The information you have there seems alright, and I can see that you have read the entry on these elves.

1) Santharians are not necessarily going to know what 'the average Cyhallrhim elf' looks like.  So, I think you really need to tell us in the CD exactly what the average Cyhallrhim elf looks like. Remember, you know what Ridgen looks like, the rest of us don't ... you need to tell us that, and be as descriptive as possible.

2) I would like you to remove the brackets ( and ) from your prose and either incorporate the details you have in them better within your writing. If you can't do that then remove the information in the brackets altogether. They seem to break up the flow of the writing a bit.

3) Consider putting how old he looks and how much experience he has in human terms up in the age part as well ... to make it easier for story mods, cd mods etc to find.

4) Gauntlets ... I suggest you remove these from his physical appearance and just put them in his clothing section.

5) Feel free to restate his height, weight, hair colour and eye colour in the physical appearance section if you'd like to ... referencing such things more than once is a good thing and it helps reinforce his looks and height/weight in our minds.

Those are some quick comments for you to consider.


Title: Re: Ridgen/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 27, 2010, 01:27:42 PM
Finished except for history. Comments welcome!


Title: Re: Ridgen/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Azhira Styralias on January 28, 2010, 03:24:39 AM
Hi Ridgen, welcome to Santharia.  :)

It will be hard to truly comment and judge your CD until the History is finished, Ridgen. Try to finish that up before more comments can be made.


Title: Re: Ridgen/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 29, 2010, 05:13:59 PM
Finished! :) Comments welcome.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on January 30, 2010, 10:30:49 AM
Welcome Ridgen,

Firstly, thanks for attending to those issues I brought up for you previously.

Over all, it looks pretty good at a quick glance.

One thing I can see, however, is your oak staff.

Our standard practice is not to approve characters with both magic and weapon skills. If you have that approved by Kalina/Altario to have both weapons and magic, that is fine, otherwise you'll need to remove the staff skills from your strengths and weaknesses and your weapons. This would also extend to your mention of the needles and string being used as secret weapons.

Still have him have the needles and thread, just don't mention them as weapons or in the strengths and weaknesses as hidden weapons.

If you could mention somewhere up near the top of your CD that your Magic Level is 3, that would make life for CD Mods, Story Mods and others a lot easier to work out how powerful you are and exactly what you can and can't do with your magic.

You might consider something like this (my addition is in red):

Name: Ridgen Sú'ufanán
Gender: Male
Age: 214 (Looks like a 28 year old human and has the knowledge and training of a 36 year old human)
Race: Elf
Tribe: Cyhallrhim Elves
Occupation: Water Magus/Tailor
Magic Level: 3
Title: Mindweaver

With regards to your history, it seems to read well to me. I'll have a more detailed read through of it later on, and make any further suggestions to you at that stage.

Overall it is looking very good to me, Ridgen, keep on working on it!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 30, 2010, 10:53:48 AM
All done Dek! Your comments (actually, all comments are) are always welcome here, and now's not an exception. Awaiting more commets! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 05:13:11 AM
I just changed my History. That part that (supposedly) triggered the magic wasn't stressful enough. Still awaiting comments :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 05:14:40 AM
I know I promised you a comment, but I don't see what I can do.

History is very well written, makes mine look incredibly amaturish

Just a bit speckled with minor grammar errors and phrasing that doesn't flow so well, but when you have all the [ color=red] and other code like that, they are bound to creep in to such an epic work as this.

Wait for the approvals, I'd think!!!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 05:17:03 AM
:) Happy to hear! I'll go fix up anything that doesn't sound right. Comments are still welcome! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 05:47:57 AM
Your quotes in YELLOW
Errors in RED
Suggestions in LIME GREEN
Bits that don't flow in ORANGE

This is an error...
"A few minutes later Ridgen fell ill, and was in pain and agony for a month and three weeks. It was as if the pain will never end."
It was as if the pain would never end


Doesn't flow so well:
He has the appearance of a human that is 28 years old, and has the knowledge and training of a human aged 36.
He has the appearance of a 28-year-old human and the knowledge and training of a 36-year-old human


A few errors here:
Covering his hands are gauntlets, leather hard gauntlets  that lets him get a grip on the icy materials, or reagents that he uses. Though they're mostly for protection against the harsh cold of Cyhalloi, which means he doesn't need it now but it  is his only reminder of home, and therefore he insists on wearing it.
Covering his hands are hard leather guantlets that let him get a good grip on the icy materials or reagents that he uses.They were mainly for protection against the harsh cold of Cyhalloi, but although he doesn't need them anymore they are his only reminder of home and so he insists on wearing them.
There are a few other tiny things, but I would have to re-read your History for that, which is a daunting task (it's brilliant, and very well detailed) I think.(Plus I wouldn't dare presume to comment on how to make it better!)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 05:56:19 AM
Fixed it all up! Thanks An! :)

All comments welcome! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 06:15:16 AM
Sorry to be a killjoy, but the sections I mentioned still don't flow so well.

Plus in your history's last paragraph you muddle Present and Perfect tenses.

Just check through.

Otherwise all excellent.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 06:25:31 AM
Fixed.

ACW! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 06:31:36 AM
Again, I don't think so.

You haven't looked at the orange part of the last history section - tense confusion.

The clothing still jars the ears

First error I mentioned needs a "would" instead of a "will" or it's still wrong.

Check through - you said you were bored.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 06:37:04 AM
Would you mind pointing them out? I can't seem to see which ones you are trying to point out.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 06:44:57 AM
Edited my first post with suggestions for each point. I might add some more. I'll delete bits when you address them.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 06:54:57 AM
Check now


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 07:01:52 AM
Tiny point about the gauntlets.
Otherwise fine for the ones I mentioned.
There may be others..


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 07:06:43 AM
Fixed!

ACW! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Anirdulf Svanskjun on January 31, 2010, 07:10:41 AM
Good!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 07:12:47 AM
Now awaiting further comments from moderators. I hope I get that approval soon!  :pet:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on January 31, 2010, 08:41:55 AM
Just as a polite suggestion here, Ridgen.

Continuously bumping your CD in the way you have been doing, several times a day, continuously putting shouts in the shout box, complaining about not getting approvals or comments,
is really NOT a good way to get CD Moderators or Commenters to comment on your CD and give you an approval.

You need to be a lot more patient. Yours is NOT the only CD that is currently in need of comments and approvals, and each time you post/shout complaining about it, it is even more likely I'll look at the CDs of others who are being patient.

Now, IF I have time later today I will have a look at it for you and give you comments. IF I don't have time, comments from me won't be for another two days. Sorry, but work needs to come first. In the mean time, if you haven't run a spell checker through it, you might like to do so.

Dek


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 09:36:11 AM
kk


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Azhira Styralias on January 31, 2010, 12:32:04 PM
Oi! Ridgen! The squeaky wheel gets the attention, eh?  :rolleyes: You want comments, well here it comes. I will give you praise, though, as this CD is a good first attempt. Also, for a first time mage, you look like you have done some amount of research, which is more than most. I appreciate your enthusiasm, too! Ok, ready to for the Yellow correction pen?

Yes, it's me again... I do hope that I can finish my CD This time... *crosses fingers* Changes will be in orange

Name: Ridgen Sú'ufanán
Gender: Male
Age: 214 (Looks like a 28 year old human and has the knowledge and training of a 36 year old human)
Race: Elf
Tribe: Cyhallrhim Elves
Occupation: Water Magus/Tailor
Magic Level: 3
Title: Mindweaver


Appearance

Height: 2 peds
Weight: 2 pygges
Hair Color: Vontromarine (Aquamarine Blue)
Eye Color: Milk White

Physical Appearance:
He has the main characteristics of a Cyhallrhim elf; Milky White eyes, very long ears - approximately 1 palmspan and 6 nailsbreadths - , pale skin and a 'Sharp' looking face. What is worth taking note of, is that he keeps his Vontromarine hair quite long - about 1 fore - that he, at a glance, looks quite like a female, if not for his clothing. He looks like a 28-year-old human, yet he has the knowledge and training of a 36-year-old human. (He's an elf that looks human?? I know what you are trying to say (that silly elven age calculator!) but maybe phrase it as "he has the youthful looking appearance of a human in his late twenties. See the difference? Also, watch when writing numbers. We prefer writing "one palmspan and six nailsbreadths") There is not much to be seen in his hands, but if you manage to remove his gauntlets you will see that it has a faint blue glow. If you manage to touch any part of his skin, you can also acknowledge that he has poor blood circulation. His legs, probably the body parts that he uses the most, - excluding his eyes and ears - looks a lot like he hasn't been using them at all. They are fine and smooth, unmarred by anything, and when you look at him where he stands you cannot see a single leg muscle move. He has broad shoulders, which really is a strange sight compared to the rest of his body. (The rest of your description seems...odd. Rather than say "If you manage.." or "you can also..." instead just say that he has poor blood circulation. Just describe him as you see him, not how others would see him.)

Clothing:
Covering his hands are hard leather gauntlets that let him get a grip on the icy materials or reagents that he uses. Thhey were mainly for protection against the harsh cold of Cyhalloi, which means he doesn't need them anymore but they are his only reminders of home, and therefore he insists on wearing them. He wears robes made of fine silk, and they have the fine hues of the sea. Ridgen had tailored them himself. Underneath he wears a silken shirt, coloured sea-green, and a pair of fleecy trousers, also coloured sea-green. On his neck hangs an aquamarine stone, which had a strange symbol - that means water - on it. His boots, made of leather, are earthen brown. He also has a full circle cloak with autumnal hues. (What does this symbol of water look like?)

Persona

Personality:
Being a Cyhallrhim elf, -and a mage too- you'd think that he doesn't talk very much, like your dull and boring school teacher, but he does. (Why would anyone think that he is dull just because he is a mage and elf? Very few people in Sarvonia even know what a Cyhallrhim elf is!) Unnaturally, he is a cheerful, happy-go-lucky kind of person. He's not that grumpy Cyhallrhim across the street, he's that cheerful kind of guy that makes you think, 'Why, I thought that the Cyhallrhim Elves are quiet, grumpy people, not like this!' He's also got a voice different from the hollow voice of an average Cyhallrhim - it's not hollow, it's light and trilly. Though he is a cheerful and outgoing person, there are quite a few things that keep going around and around in his head, like pieces to a puzzle that are waiting to be put together, but they just won't fit, and most of these pieces are memories from the past. His outgoing 'outer' personality is simply a shell - a little something he does to make sure that none worry about what goes on inside his head. He is an inquisitive person, always eager to learn more about anything - anything that isn't bad news, that is. Even though he has a very troubled past, as well as a troubled mind, it still doesn't stop him from having a nice little life.

(Intriguing! So his outgoing personality is just an act. He hides some secrets and a lost past that he keeping from others. I like that.)


S & W

Strengths:

> Hydromancy: Ridgen is a level 3 Water Magus, and is a student of Water Enchantments. He will not hesitate to use any of his spells against an attacker.

> Bilingual: Ridgen can speak fluently in both Tharian (The common language) and Styrash. (The elven language) Not to mention that he can read and write in both languages. (How did you learn Tharian? No one in your tribe speaks the language of another continent. You learned to speak and read Styrash. Tharian is not spoken everywhere, you know.)

> Tailor: Ridgen is also a tailor, which means he can mend any of his clothes, as well as gaining a nice amount of money by selling some tailor-made clothing.

> He has BIG EARS: Ridgen has sensitive ears, which can pick up sound as easy as a rabbit's can. This is often useful for gathering information if needed. (Having large ears does not mean he can hear any better than an average person. Perhaps say he just has sensitive hearing rather than the size of his ears.)

Weaknesses:

! Physical Weakness: Ridgen, without his staff and magic, is nothing but an ordinary tailor. In other words, he isn't strong enough to even lift a hammer.

! Has no influence over others: Probably because he is a Cyhallrhim, not many will listen to the poor thing. (Does he try to have influence? How does this affect him everyday? You don't have to have influence to be successful.)

! Homesickness: Ridgen often longs for the peaceful islands of Cyhalloi. At least there there's always something to read, a friend to talk to, and a bed to sleep in.

! Why is it so hot?: Ridgen had lived in the Cyhalloi islands for 212 years. He had grown accustomed to the cold weather conditions, and may find some places unbearably hot. (You landed in Northern Sarvonia, which is also cold, so you wouldn't necessarily be hot there.)

! Side Effects: One of the spells that Ridgen can use, but can give him serious illness, is Chaos, due to its deadly nature. After casting this dangerous spell, Ridgen falls very ill and will be in pain and agony for a whole month. (Casting spells does not make you become sick. You are a water mage and are practiced at influencing chaos and serenity. Becoming ill is not a side effect of magic. I would remove this weakness.)


Magic

Water Magic:
Ridgen is one of the Gifted in magic. An incident when he is aged 22 has proved that this is so. He is now a level 3 Water Magus, and studies under the Spiritual Representation of Change: Water Enchantments. He has basic illusory and emotion alteration abilities, such as:

(In other words, you are proficient in the theories of Sphere I water magic, specifically the Spiritual representation. What you know is focused under the first Sphere, and that is important in knowing what kinds of spells you can cast.)

Creating a negative image and inserting it into a person's mind by increasing the ascendancy of the water in the car'all so that their mind starts to race and, eventually, make the target start to see things that wasn't there before, like flashy lights and random colours. He can do this from 3 peds away.

(The best way to explain this is that you are influencing the spiritual ounia within your target's mind in a more chaotic sense. By increasing the chaotic influence of the target's perceptions, you are changing what they mentally see. It is called the Property of Perception. A mage of any element can influence a target's perception in different ways - water can make it more chaotic, thus giving targets random hallucinations. Wind can also do the similar. Earth can actually block perceptions, such as the case of earth's spell of invisibility.)

Calming the target, by doing the opposite of the above spell; He can calm a certain being by reducing the ascendancy of the water in the car'all slowly so that the unpredictability value of the water element lessens, indirectly calming the target down. He can also do this from three peds away.

(Again, the explanation in the entry is not so clear. Every mind has influences of each element - earth, fire, water and wind. Emotions are tied to each element. What a water mage does to calm a person is slowly reduce the influence of water on the mind. This effect allows the other elements in the mind to take more influence. Or, it allows your to bring down the rapid, chaotic influence of water to a manageable level. Higher level magi are better at doing this because if you are not careful, you can bring water down too much and if the person is very angry, you would be allowing the influence of fire to increase! Not good because they would become MORE angry! Another way to put this is by bring water down, if the person is not in a rage, what may happen is to allow the earth influence to take hold. Earth is solid, unmoving and not chaotic at all. See what happens now? The target's mind becomes stable, like a rock. They are very calm now.)

Distracting the target, by concentrating on the target and raising the dominance of water in the car'all, much like creating a negative image, but riaising it very quickly so that the mind becomes all ruffled up, creating confusion. He can do this from 5 peds away.

(See above. By distracting, you are raising the influence of chaos in a target's mind causing their thoughts to become erratic and unstable. They become distracted by different things and they lose focus.)

He may also make an enemy go berserk, by lowering the dominance of water in the car'all very quickly. This will result in the target experiencing mood swings, eventually making the go berserk, attacking his/her own comrades. This is often followed by a rapid ascension of water dominance in the car'all to its maximum limit. It will cause the target to see things, often things that will remind the target of his/her comrade's death. This will lead those who do care about their comrades to suicide, and others who don't to insanity. The latter spell - which he likes to call Chaos, by the way - may sometimes fizzle, probably because Ridgen's magical abilities are not strong enough to support such a spell. Any of the two spell he may use individually, but after invoking the latter spell Ridgen will eventually fall ill.

(Making someone go berserk is a focused ability. What you would do is target the property of chaos in a target's mind and raise it. By doing this, you essentially swirl increase the spiritual water influence to very high levels. The target's mind goes erratic and berserk, essentially, as the target is unable to control his thoughts and thus leading to unpredictable actions. But, this kind of focus is beyond you ability as a level 3 mage. You can raise the influence of the water, but your target will instead become erratic, but not necessarily berserk. You do not have the proper skill yet.)

By lowering the water dominance in the car'all to its minimum limit, very slowly, Ridgen can cause a target to become very clumsy and weak. This enchantment will not work on the strong-willed.

For the first 10 years of practicing magic, he has studied under the physical representation of Change: Water Transformation. As a result he has learned the ability to
heighten the properties of water in an object. With concentration, Ridgen can heighten the watery properties in an object without turning it completely into water.  He does this by touching the desired object, sensing and focusing on the Water Ounia within the car'all, making it express a watery property.

(In other words, to explain this better, you are increasing the influence of water in an object. However, most hard objects such as wood or steel express mostly the earth property (hardness) and have very little water influence. With your skills, you would not be able to express the water property of a sword because it takes a skilled mage to influence such small amounts of water over the dominant earth property. You could do this in objects that have more water properties such as ice.)

He can also control water in any way he likes, and now he uses this ability to create illusions in the target's mind by controlling what lights they can see just by swishing a little water around the eye.

(That doesn't make sense...isn't this the same as the negative Image Spell? It is not a physical representation spell.)

Ridgen does not only use Magic for combat. As shown above, he can use magic to give his items special properties that relate to water in any way. And he could always use it when he wants a cup of refreshing iced tea.

(Ok, that's all for now, Ridgen. See what you can do about my comments. Ask any questions you need to.  :))


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 31, 2010, 02:36:14 PM
Finished!

Just a note: The big ears was a figure of speech, and wasn't supposed to suggest size, but instead sensitivity. Nonetheless, I'll fix it up.

ACW! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on February 02, 2010, 11:24:33 PM
Hey Ridgen. I did a quick read through and found a couple of things I wished to see more explanation of:

Quote
! Physical Weakness: Ridgen, without his staff and magic, is nothing but an ordinary tailor. In other words, he isn't strong enough to even lift a hammer.So what about gowns? What size of hammer? Something to truly compare this too is necessary, as hammers can come in a variety of shapes and sizes. And you may be surprised, a lot of tailors back in the day were quite strong because of the material they were lifting. Is this because he only focuses on certain types of clothing or what?

! Has no influence over others: Probably because he is a foreigner, not many will listen to the poor thing. So in an ego battle, -which is both a battle of words and influence- this becomes a disadvantage.It may just be me, but I am not sure how this is a weakness. Anyone which isn't from a particular town or area generally is foreigner, especially if their racial or tribal influence isn't really noted in the area. Why would this make people not listen to you? Is it because he doesn't understand the language very well? Or is it his own apprehension of people on Sarvonia in general? A better explanation would be appreciated.

Also, I would personally like to see another solid weakness added. Magic is a huge advantage to its practioners, as it doesn't require physical strength to do and adds a good deal of mental strength and discipline.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Valan Nonesuch on February 03, 2010, 03:16:11 AM
I'm baaaack! :lol:

Name: Ridgen Sú'ufanán
Gender: Male
Age: 214 (Looks like a 28 year old human and has the knowledge and training of a 36 year old human)
Race: Elf
Tribe: Cyhallrhim Elves
Occupation: Water Magus/Tailor
Magic Level: 3
Title: Mindweaver


Appearance

Height: 2 peds
Weight: 2 pygges
Hair Color: Vontromarine (Aquamarine Blue)
Eye Color: Milk White

Physical Appearance:
He has the main characteristics of a Cyhallrhim elf; Milky White eyes, very long ears - approximately one palmspan and six nailsbreadths - , pale skin and a 'Sharp' looking face. What is worth taking note of, is that he keeps his Vontromarine hair quite long - about one fore - that he, at a glance, looks quite like a female, if not for his clothing. His appearance is similar to that of a 28 year old human, yet he has the knowledge and training of a 36-year-old human. There is not much to be seen in his hands, but if you look closely you will see that it has a faint blue glow.I'd be worried about that. Typically when your extremities start to turn blue, they're getting ready to drop like ripe apples. And water magic doesn't cause "glow-iness" that I'm aware of. So frostbite it is! He has poor blood circulation, which results in him having a cold touch. His legs, probably the body parts that he uses the most, - excluding his eyes and ears - looks a lot like he hasn't been using them at all. They are fine and smooth, unmarred by anything, and when you look at him where he stands you cannot see a single leg muscle move. He has broad shoulders, which really is a strange sight compared to the rest of his body.This has been tacked on at the end and could probably find a better place to fit in the description. Light! You need spaces here. This paragraph is a bit of a brick. I know you've been told about those before. You've made a fairly common mistake. You're describing it a little weirdly here. The references to you and similar phrases do a bit to mess with the flow and it's usually best in the long run to leave them out.

Clothing:
Covering his hands are hard leather gauntletsAh! So this is why your hands are so cold! Wear some mittens! I'm given to understand that magic does require some sort of hand use, and gloves like this might impair flexibility of the fingers. that let him get a grip on the icy materials or reagents that he uses. Thhey were mainly for protection against the harsh cold of Cyhalloi, which means he doesn't need them anymore but they are his only reminders of home, and therefore he insists on wearing them. He wears robes made of fine silk, and they have the fine hues of the sea. Ridgen had tailored them himself. Underneath he wears a silken shirt, coloured sea-green, and a pair of fleecy trousers, also coloured sea-green.And these are... what exactly? Traveling clothes? Silk is one of the least well traveling fabrics you'll find. It's tough, but because of what it is (respun cocoons) it starts to attract insects if it isn't washed, and breaks down if exposed to sunlight too often. You'd be better off with wool or cotton of some description in my experience  On his neck hangs an aquamarine stone, which had a strange symbol - that means water - on it.In what language exactly? Is it a rune? I'm not aware of any  The symbol looks a lot like a number 1, but without that little serif at the bottom.This is out of place. His boots, made of leather, are earthen brown. He also has a full circle cloak with autumnal hues.

Persona

Personality:
Being a Cyhallrhim elf, -and if you've done your homework- you'd think that he doesn't talk very much, like your dull and boring school teacher, but he does. This seems a sort of unneeded tangent, don't you think?UnnaturallyUncommon might be a better word here, he is a cheerful, happy-go-lucky kind of person. He's not that grumpy Cyhallrhim across the street, he's that cheerful kind of guy that makes you think, 'Why, I thought that the Cyhallrhim Elves are quiet, grumpy people, not like this!' He's also got a voice different from the hollow voice of an average Cyhallrhim - it's not hollow, it's light and trilly.Any reason? I thought this was just how they talked. Like how some people manage to whisper loud enough to wake the dead. Though he is a cheerful and outgoing person, there are quite a few things that keep going around and around in his head, like pieces to a puzzle that are waiting to be put together, but they just won't fit, and most of these pieces are memories from the past. His outgoing 'outer' personality is simply a shell - a little something he does to make sure that none worry about what goes on inside his head. He is an inquisitive person, always eager to learn more about anything - anything that isn't bad news, that is. Even though he has a very troubled past, as well as a troubled mind, it still doesn't stop him from having a nice little life.


S & W

Strengths:

> Hydromancy"Magic" would not suffice here?: Ridgen is a level 3 Water Magus, and is a student of Water EnchantmentsDon't use this word! Completely different from normal magic! He will not hesitate to use any of his spells against an attacker.

> Bilingual: Ridgen can speak fluently in both Tharian (The common language) and Styrash. (The elven language) Not to mention that he can read and write in both languages.Does he speak either with an accent to Sarvonian ears, or is his speech naturalized?

> Tailor: Ridgen is also a tailor, which means he can mend any of his clothes, as well as gaining a nice amount of money by selling some tailor-made clothing.Anything you specialize in? Dressmaking, shoes? Shirts, pants, suits, sock puppets? Fabrics?

> Sensitive Ears: Ridgen has sensitive ears, which can pick up sound as easy as a rabbit's can. This is often useful for gathering information if needed.

Weaknesses:

! Physical Weakness: Ridgen, without his staff and magic, is nothing but an ordinary tailor. In other words, he isn't strong enough to even lift a hammer.As Kalina mentioned. Are we talking about a claw hammer here? Or a six pound sledgehammer?

! Has no influence over others: Probably because he is a foreigner, not many will listen to the poor thing. So in an ego battle, -which is both a battle of words and influence- this becomes a disadvantage.Remember that standard? The one we judge strengths and weaknesses against? John "Farms Tatters" Smith has no influence either. Strike this one from the record if you please.

! Homesickness: Ridgen often longs for the peaceful islands of Cyhalloi. At least there there's always something to read, a friend to talk to, and a bed to sleep in.Elaborate here. This is barely an introduction, let alone a weakness. You have the "what?" but lack the "how?".
As it is, you aren't quite balanced at all. You need to work on these weaknesses if you're going to have a chance at that first approval.

Magic

Water Magic:
Ridgen is one of the Gifted in magic. An incident when he is aged 22 has proved that this is so. He is now a level 3 Water Magus, and studies under the Spiritual Representation of Change: Water EnchantmentsOnce again, best not to use this word. I realize the school entry says "enchantment" but... Just don't do it, okay?. He has basic illusory and emotion alteration abilities, such as:

Creating a negative image and inserting it into a person's mind by increasing the chaotic influence of the water in the car'all so that their mind starts to race and, eventually, make the target start to experience random hallucinations, like flashy lights and random colours. He can do this from three peds away.

Calming the target, by doing the opposite of the above spell; He can calm a certain being by reducing the chaotic influence of water in the car'all slowly so that the unpredictability value of the water element lessens, indirectly calming the target down. Unfortunately, this spell may often backfire, because if he lowers the level too quickly or too far, it will make the target even angrier and it can also cause the target to experience mood swings. He can do this from three peds away.

Distracting the target, by concentrating on the target and raising the dominance of water in the car'all, much like creating a negative image, but raising it very quickly so that the mind becomes all ruffled up, creating confusion. He can do this from 5 peds away.

He may also make an enemy become very angry, by lowering the dominance of water in the car'all very quickly and to a far extent. This will make the enemy experience mood swings, and can make them very frustrated. And this works to Ridgen's advantage, because an angry or frustrated enemy always makes mistakes.

By lowering the water dominance in the car'all to its minimum limit, very slowly, Ridgen can cause a target to become very clumsy and weak. This enchantment will not work on the strong-willed.

For the first 10 years of practicing magic, he has studied under the physical representation of Change: Water Transformation. As a result he has learned the ability to
heighten the properties of water in an object. With concentration, Ridgen can heighten the watery properties in an object without turning it completely into water. He does this by touching the desired object, sensing and focusing on the Water Ounia within the car'all, making it express a watery property. This spell can only work on objects that already has some water properties, otherwise the spell will fizzle and the object is nothing more than it has been.

Also, Ridgen can control water and ice in any way he likes, and he uses this for both combat and non-combat purposes. The first thing he does is concentrate on any piece of water or ice, very heavily, and mould it into a desired shape. When he is done with that, he concentrates harder to move the water or ice like puppets on a string. He may use this to make water very dense and send it at any target at any time, dealing damage, or simply shape ice into very sharp pieces, and launch it at the target. Otherwise he uses them for life-sized puppet shows to entertain a group.I think this beyond level three magic.

Ridgen does not only use Magic for combat. As shown above, he can use magic to give his items special properties that relate to water in any way. And he could always use it when he wants a cup of refreshing iced tea.

History

At the age of 0... week 1...
He was found at the foot of the entrance to the Ice Towers of the Cyhalloi. Alone. Abandoned. Laying beside him are two boxes, one bright blue, one golden, and an ice-blade. It was The Day of Darkness. Nobody was awake.
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"
A cry broke the silence, a cry so unlike the voice of any Cyhallrhim, a voice so light, so... not-hollow. Footsteps can be heard, even some mild swearing. But the people at the foot of that tower were curious to see what was making all that noise. When a man opened the door, he sees a baby, lying in a basket, shivering, crying. Most peculiar was that the baby had a necklace, decorated with an aquamarine stone with a strange symbol engraved on it. He sees the glowing boxes, and the ice blade that lay beside him. He inspected the blade, and recognized the name on it; "Norm". Norm was the man's brother, the man couldn't just leave his nephew to die out here in the cold. Minutes later, a man could be seen carrying two small boxes, an ice blade and a basket into a rather large ice tower.

At the age of 14... 6th month of the year, 2nd week...Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a toddler or something very similar here. The entire sequence of events smacks of not fitting. Especially the speaking
Very early in the morning, when nobody else is awake, one might wonder what would be behind a gargantuan wall of books. This was exactly what passed through Ridgen's mind when he woke up one morning, when he found a giant stack of books piled up in one corner of the room. Loud mutterings could be heard from the stack of books, and suddenly he heard faint roaring coming from the outside. "Well, that wasn't supposed to happen." A rather tired-looking Meran stood up from his seat in the corner. Older than him by a hundred years, Meran, his uncle, is a very disorganized man, often found reading something at the table. "Oh... Ridgen, why are you up so early?"
  "I might as well ask you the same thing."
"Oh, me? I was -err... uhm... getting ready to go hunting...? Oh, I'm acting very suspicious aren't I?"
  "Of course. And I want to know why."
Meran hesitated for a moment, then said, "Forget it it's none of your business."
  "And I suppose it's because I'm too young to understand?"
Meran stopped fussing with the books and returned his gaze towards Ridgen. "If you want to know it so bad, these books tell us how these towers are built. And I have no intention to letting you know."
  "But-"
"No buts."
 "But, I-"
"No, you don't. Go back to sleep."

That afternoon, Ridgen took one of the books and started to read. "Blech," he said when he realised that he couldn't read. From the pictures, though, he could tell that these towers were built by some kind of magic. "Well, well. what do we have here?" For a moment Ridgen froze. He thought that Meran had caught him out. But when he looked up he saw an old man sitting next to him. "So you want to know of the magic that built these towers eh?"
  "But you don't understand, I was just looking."
"Oh, but you do want to know don't you?"
Ridgen slowly nodded.
"Then, for doing a couple of things for me, I can teach you how to read."
  "What things?"
"Oh, just... sew me a nice woolen cloak. My old one's disappeared."
  "But I can't sew! And how would I know how, I'm not a girl!"
"My eyes must be failing me. I thought you were some 75 years old. Well then, if I can't get it here there is no reason for me to be in this room."
  "Wait!"
The old man turned back towards Ridgen. "Yes?"
  "If that means you'll tell me what this means..." Ridgen taps the book. "Then, yes, I'll try to make you something."
"Good. I shall see you tomorrow."

That night, Ridgen was sitting in his bed, the glowing boxes upon his lap. He was told that these boxes was found with him, out in the cold. He has never managed to open them before, no-one had. This night he tried again. Whatever was in the boxes could help him. His hand wandered around the boxes, and it came to rest upon a maple leaf pictured on top of the orange box. The leaf glowed brightly, and the box suddenly opened up, making a shout of exclamation escape Ridgen's lips. Inside the box lay a golden needle, nestled amongst strings with autumn hues. How was this going to help? Amazing hues or not, they are still no use if he can't sew. Then his right hand came to rest on a picture of a fish on top of the other box. That too sprang open. The contents were exactly the same as those of the other box, except that the hues were of Baveras' eyes, and that the needle was made of silver. Where did these things come from? But the thought was quickly chased away as a wild idea formed in his mind. Maybe, just maybe they were enchanted. If he uses these needles tomorrow morning, he could cheat off the old man and gain the information he needed without doing any of the sewing himself. He closed the boxes and put them next to his bed when he heard someone come into the room. It was Meran. "Look here... um... I'm sorry about the way I acted this morning."
"Apology accepted."
  "Good. Come down to dinner now, the whole tower is waiting for you."
"Oh!"

The following morning finds Ridgen sitting at a desk in the old man's room. "Now sew. The wool is on the table." Time passes by, and while Ridgen just sits there, watching the golden and silver needles, expecting them to do something, he wondered if it was a good idea all along. No way I'm going to lose this easy, he thought, and as more and more determination comes to his mind, the basics of sewing and patterning came naturally to him, he didn't think about it, he just sew. The end product was a magnificent one, even though it was nothing like the old man requested; it was far better. Instead of being made of wool it was instead made of silk, surprisingly, warm silk. It has the hues of midnight, jet-black to midnight-blue. Overall, it was beautiful. The old man was flabbergasted. "The silk... the patterning... there's no doubt about it. Is it really you? The son of my little girl Aurora?" Ridgen picked out the name. He had heard that name somewhere, but he doesn't know where... That was it. Meran often said, "Your mother, Aurora, was the greatest tailor in all of Cyhalloi, as far as anyone is concerned. Every 2nd day of the month she would send me things that looked far too beautiful to be real..." It all makes sense now. But who was the old man?
"How are you related to my mother?" he asked.
  "Haven't you figured it out? Aurora is my youngest daughter, and the most precious, too."
"Then that means..."
  "Yes. Now a deal is a deal, come into my room, we'll have you reading pages of text in no time."

Over the next years, Ridgen has been seen inside the old man - who was called Bleak, by the way -'s room, reading gargantuan pages of text. Then comes the day he turns 22...

At his 22nd birthday...
He was fishing at the nearest coast, when he heard people taunting. "So what? I don't care just give me the money!"
  "But-but... I have none..."
"It's your money or your life, bub."
The person who said that happened to be an assassin, and they were attacking a Cyhallrhim. "Now... give us your money and we'll leave you alone."
  "I already told you I don't have any!"
"Then you're gonna die, right here, right now..." He raises his sword, about the chop off the victim's head.Ridgen struck with his iceblade just in time.
"Who do you think you are, attacking an innocent person?" he said.
  "Simple. Getting money, and having fun. Now let me have his head or you'll be joining him in the underworld." The assassin struck with his sword, and shattered the iceblade. Whoever this person was, he was strong...
"I should do this more often! Well aren't you going to come and attack me, or is daddy's sword broken? I'll kill you now and the rest of your kind can join you in the underworld! Hauhauhauhauhauhau! Come on, come at me with all you've got!"
In a futile attempt, Ridgen drew the dagger from his belt and stabbed at the assassin's heart. The dagger hit the assassin's blade and shattered. "Is that all you've got? Why, I can kill you now!" The assassin swung at Ridgen's left side, but Ridgen was far too quick for the blade. What he wasn't quick enough for was the bash that came from the other side. It hit him, sending him flying some 4 peds.
"Too bad. Any last words? No? Mommy and Daddy can't help you this time, can they?" The assassin readies his sword for the final blow...
Desperation can be seen in Ridgen's eyes at this point. How was he supposed to survive this? As the assassin raised his sword, going for the kill...
*SNAP!*
The stress had triggered the magic bound to his bones, resulting in an unexpected effect. As Ridgen's desperation grew higher and higher, his magic started to come out even more, which caused the assassin to see... an arsenal of blades pointed at his heart. They didn't look very clear, but he was sure they were sharp. The assassin froze, then doubled over, as he thought he saw his own blood in the illusion. He staggered back, and fell into the freezing cold water. He was never seen again. As for Ridgen and the frightened Cyhallrhim, they walked back into their respective towers. A few minutes later Ridgen fell ill, and was in pain and agony for a month and three weeks. It was as if the pain would never end. He saw the Cyhallrhim he had saved a few days later, and the one that was saved said, "You do know that you are a Gifted in magic, don't you? The events that happened.. It couldn't be anything else but magic."
  "I'm... one of the Gifted??"
"Yes, and I have recommended you to the best Water Mage I know to be his... protege. He never did object, and said that he would take on any protege so long as he has the potential to become a mage. Whether you choose to be his protege or not, it's up to you. Goodbye, and get well soon." And with that, he left.

At age 22, on the Day of the Sun...
Ridgen, as soon as he heard, immediately - and silently - accepted the offer, though all he wanted to know was how to fix Norm's ice blade. He soon found the person he has saved, and asked him on where to find the magician. He pointed to a small tower on the outher edges of town and quickly scuttled off. As soon as Ridgen had entered the ice tower and confirmed with the mage that he wanted to learn how to control his gift, he was told to be seated, was inspected here and there, and the magician had finally said, "Hmph. You don't look like you're a Gifted and you certainly don't act like one. But then, things aren't always what they seem. Now listen carefully..." And the mage, who, by the way, was about 300 years old, happened to be bald, had the name of Selod, and appeared to have no pupils, goes on and on, and for the next ten years, taught Ridgen how to control water, its special properties, what its attributes are - like randomness and unpredictability - and every other basic concepts of the physical representation of Change, which, by the way, is Transformation.

At age 32, on the 10th day of the 12th month...
"You're not one of the Gifted at all, are you?" his teacher had asked Ridgen, when they were conducting one of their lessons.
  "I'm not sure. What makes you think so?"
"Well for one thing, most of your spells fizzle, and it seems you're having problems actually learning the art of water transformation."
  "Now that you mention it, it kind of feels weird doing these things..."
"How could I have been so stupid??? Come over here and tell me everything that happened during your encounter with the assassin. Now." And Ridgen told him, every little detail, from the anger that welled up inside him, how the illusion had made the assassin double over and fall into the sea.
"Oh I'm so stupid! I should've known. You are gifted in the Spiritual Representations of Magic, not the physical ones! Let's start over. Sit down."
And so, for another long and dull one hundred and eighty years, Ridgen studied under the guidance of his tutor, Selod.
Oh! I see what you did there. Yes. Skipping a few centuries. I'll put my diatribe about your history here. You go on about the age like it's important. It really isn't. And leaving gaps like this only makes it worse. The anecdotal way you write you history doesn't work with the "all-knowing author" clause of CD writing. And to be fair, the bits with people talking aren't too well written. A bit like we're supposed to be in 16th century France but people are throwing around gang signs and talking about DVDs. They just don't seem to fit.
At the age of 212, on the 4th day of the 6th month...
It was a fine day, a fine day indeed. Ridgen was outside, toying around with a little water figure, something he had learned to do when he was studying the art of Water Transformation. He had been thinking that his life here was too dull, too boring. He wanted excitement, adventure. He had decided that he was to leave the islands of Cyhalloi, and explore the rest of Caelereth. He had tailored himself a nice little cloak of autumnal hues, robes with strokes of Baveras' eyes (which is a color), and the shirt and trousers that he is wearing now. He had a money pouch and a canvas pack, which he had tailored himself, and of course, a boat in which he would use to sail the seas. Once he had said his goodbyes, he set off for the continent of Sarvonia. That night, he was asleep, and the boat had crashed into some rocks, and smashed to pieces. He was asleep then, but, miraculously, he woke up the next morning washed up on the shore of Northern Sarvonia. What luck!

On his 213th birthday...
As he explored the city of Silven, Ridgen caught sight of a magnificent Snow Bird. The sight of it was just enchanting. He wanted to record it, but sadly, his book - which he had found while looking through Selod's various books, and to which Selod said, "I have no use for it. Keep it." - has been soaked. Hm... maybe... Then an idea came to him. He lowered the water property of the object, in this case, 'wetness', and voila! The blank book was then ready to use. There was only one more thing he needed. He went into the nearest store and bought a quill and a pot of ink. Now he could actually record the interesting things he sees.

Aged 213, month 4...
Strange, I can't seem to read this text at all... Ridgen thought, as he burned away the last reserves of his money by buying a full-sized tome. Well duh, not all books are written in Styrash. It's probably written in Tharian. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Now what am I going to do with this useless book? And no sooner had he walked down the street that he sees none other than a very wealthy man, riding a horse. The man said something, but as much as Ridgen could try to understand, he can only hear something about "New clothes" and a "peculiar person" that had something to do with "looking lost". The man pointed to the cloak and said something like "Nice" and "made it yourself?". Ridgen nodded, hoping against hope that he could gain a few sans from making a similar cloak. The man spoke again, this time saying something like, "... much .... it?" while gesturing towards the cloak. Ridgen had muttered, "Not for sale," under his breath, though he was sure that the man could hear him. Not that it mattered, for the man didn't seem to understand Styrash. But he did, and he seemed that he would pay any price for that one masterpiece. "Say, one copperbard?" And Ridgen was utterly bewildered to hear the person speaking in Styrash. "What, you've never heard a human speak Styrash before?"
  "Actually, no, no I haven't."
"Well who cares, then. Two haks then, if you're that stubborn."
  "You didn't hear me say that it was not for sale?"
"I did, but I wanted it too much I don't care. Three haks."
  "I said-"
"Four haks then!"
 "NOT. FOR. SALE."
"You're a stubborn one, I give you that. I see you have that book there. I doubt you can read it, considering it was written in Tharian. Tell you what, I'll tell you how to read and speak Tharian for that cloak." At this point, Ridgen hesitated, and the man knew he hit the mark.
  "I don't suppose you'd settle for an identical one, would you?"
"Nope."
  "With a golden trim?"
"Nope."
  "And your name embroidered at the bottom?" The man hesitated, considering the offer.
"Well I suppose I would like one of them with my name embroidered in silver at the bottom... Well, ok then. But I'm not giving you any more than these lessons!"
  "Fine by me." But it wasn't fine. How was he to find silver strings when all he has are autumnal and Aquamarine hues? Unless.... He quickly looks through the boxes. Yes, he has the white strings. Fingers crossed this will work!

The following evening, he set to work. He took a bunch of white strings and soaked them in the water. He crossed his fingers and heightens their watery properties of coldness and 'wetness' and then sets to work, making the strings express one very important property - luster. At first, it seems he has failed. the white stayed bright white, and nothing seems to change. A few moments later though, they looked a lot 'steelier', and had a nice shine in them. He had been successful. Now, he starts to sew the golden trim of the cloak, then works his way inside, until it became a gigantic puzzle of blazing colours. There was only one  thing left to do. In the lower parts of the cloak, where it was bright red, he copied the name from the piece of paper and embroidered the name - which was Coralinec - unto it. It looked great, and had a grand, royal feel to it. Now for the feedback.

The next morning, Coralinec was waiting outside the room which Ridgen had been given. As the man probed the cloak here and there, he appeared satisfied with the finished work. "This is better than I thought it was. Thank you. And do accept this tip." He handed two copperbards to Ridgen. They will sure come in handy! Coralinec spoke again. "Do stay here while you learn of the Tharian language here." Ridgen was only too glad to accept. For the following year, he studies the Tharian language in Coralinec's Manor. Ridgen was quite the quick learner, and he left when he was 214 years and 6 months of age. Now he travels the continent of Sarvonia, recording anything of interest.


Belongings

Weapons:

Level 3 Water Magic: Water Enchantments - Ridgen has no physical weapons of any kind, but his magic would definitely make up for it. He has mastered the Spiritual Representation of Sphere I: Water Enchantments.

Other Stuff:

- A canvas backpack
- Needles
- A Box of Silk with Autumnal Hues
- A Box of Silk with Marine Hues
- Change of clothes identical to the ones he wear
- A Money Pouch
- Aquamarine Stones
- A container of water
- A notebook
- A quill and a bottle of ink
- A full-sized tome titled "The Chaotic Nature of Water"
Let me sum it up: Needs Work. Pencilcon


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 03, 2010, 03:17:47 PM
All finished. (Well, all except for the middle of the history, where Valan put in a somewhat (to a 12 year-old, anyway...) incomprehensible comment. It would help if someone puts it into simpler words)

Waiting for... simplified versions of Valan's comment / new comments.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on February 03, 2010, 04:05:19 PM
Hey Ridgen, there seemed to have been some confusion with the comments I made on your S&Ws, so hopefully I can help and clarify real quick :)

Quote
> Water Magic: Ridgen is a level 3 Water Magus, and is a student of The Spiritual Representation of Water. He will not hesitate to use any of his spells against an attacker.

> Bilingual: Ridgen can speak fluently in both Tharian (The common language) and Styrash. (The elven language) Not to mention that he can read and write in both languages. His voice is fairly neutral. I am curious what you mean by "his voice is fairly neutral". When did he learn Tharian? How did he learn it? It isn't a commonality for Elves to be interested in the language of others.

> Tailor: Ridgen is also a tailor, which means he can mend any of his clothes, as well as gaining a nice amount of money by selling some tailor-made clothing. He would be happy to make any type of clothing, but he specializes in cloaks.

> Sensitive Ears: Ridgen has sensitive ears, which can pick up sound as easy as a rabbit's can. This is often useful for gathering information if needed. With ears so sensitive, this could also be a weakness in certain situations. Loud, high, or low pitches may bother him more than it bothers others, making it difficult for him to concentrate and perhaps unpleasant physical side effects.

Weaknesses:

! Physical Weakness: Ridgen, without his magic, is nothing but an ordinary tailor. In other words, he isn't strong enough to even lift anything that is heavier than what is classified as somewhat heavy. What I was looking for was more of a specific example comparison. This is vague and really doesn't make any sense.

! Easily Scared: Although he does not show it, Ridgen is very easily scared. Whether it be a word for something very unnerving or an attack, he is scared of almost everything, and sometimes the fear is enough to cause him to break down. How about paranoia? It may require a little different wording, but what you are describing is basic paranoia. A helpful link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia)

! Self-Esteem Issues: Though he acts cheerful and outgoing, Ridgen is very troubled inside, and has almost no amount of self-confidence<-doesn't need to be capitalized whatsoever. This is very true in situations where something good is expected of him. This could also tie into the paranoia and they could feed off each other.

! He Lost it: Like the element water, when someone angers him enough, he totally loses it. Screaming, throwing and even splashes of water. This will lead to people thinking that he has lost his wits, and he can lose many friends/allies this way. Perhaps rewriting this with more of a 'chaotic' standpoint, instead of 'He Lost It", as I thought you were going to refer to something else.

! Homesickness: Ridgen often longs for the peaceful islands of Cyhalloi. At least there there's always something to read, a friend to talk to, and a bed to sleep in. Sometimes, he longs for his home so much that it causes heavy depression, making him view the world in a very negative way. This way he can lose quite a lot of friends/allies.<-this last sentence isn't necessary.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 03, 2010, 04:44:16 PM
Finished, the bilingual part is explained in the history.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on February 03, 2010, 05:10:52 PM
You didn't address my comment about the ears. If there is something you haven't changed, let me know and tell me why, so I know you aren't just ignoring comments, which isn't going to help with getting an approval ^.~


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on February 03, 2010, 05:53:02 PM
Ridgen,

I can see two places where Valan put comments into the history part of your CD ... I'm not sure which one you are talking about, so I'll put my interpretation on both of them for you.

Quote
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're a toddler or something very similar here. The entire sequence of events smacks of not fitting. Especially the speaking

Remember this is an elf you are playing, and elves tend to age a lot slower than humans. That is why we have an elven age calculator. I just put your elven age of 14 into the calculator ... it comes out as the following: Your elf looks like a human about 9 years old, has the aproximate knowledge & training of a 9 year old human, and is 14 years old.

So, 9 years old in human terms. Not exactly a toddler, but still very much developing abilities in reading and writing, IF you had previously been shown how and practiced it. At 9, you'd definitely be able to speak, I'd say.

I'm going to break down Valan's next quote bit by bit, in an attempt to explain what I THINK he is saying ...

Quote
Oh! I see what you did there. Yes. Skipping a few centuries. <SNIP> You go on about the age like it's important. It really isn't. And leaving gaps like this only makes it worse.

You have made a sudden jump in your history from 32 to 212. That is 180 years, an awfully long time. You really need to give some indication to events during that time. Surely there must be some things that happened to him during those 180 years! To me, if you are going to have that amount of time with doing nothing other than ... 'And so, for another long and dull one hundred and eighty years, Ridgen studied under the guidance of his tutor, Selod.' ... the age of Ridgen could be decreased by that 180 years. Or, have things that happen to him during that time. Surely there is something he did during that time that didn't involve him being so bored by studying.

If you want to mention how old he was when certain things happen to him, feel free to do so ... however when you do so, and then leave a lot of years in between with nothing happening, it comes across as quite disjointed or as though there is something to hide or something. Even though you are 12, I'm sure you can make it a lot more interesting than that.

When I think of my own life, I can think of something that happens in almost every year that I could write about, from jobs I did, to events I attended, to schools I went to or taught at to holidays I took etc ... I think most people could do the same. Think of someone going for a job. If they have a period of time in which they mention no work, the employer will wonder what's going on during that time, and seek to find out what they were doing so that they weren't potentially hiring someone who had gone to jail or something like that.

Quote
The anecdotal way you write you history doesn't work with the "all-knowing author" clause of CD writing.

As the CD Author you know everything about your guy. You need to tell us, the CD Moderators, future story moderators and future RPers all that you know about him. Even if your character loses his memory for 20 years ... you as CD author need to write about that time. It almost is as though you are currently writing the CD history section from the point of view of your character.

Quote
And to be fair, the bits with people talking aren't too well written.

When I'm writing speech, I speak it out loud to myself so I can hear whether it sounds like speech or whether it sounds like writing. You might find doing something like that helpful to you as well. Also, you need to more clearly indicate who is saying what ... for example ... the following bit ...

"Then, for doing a couple of things for me, I can teach you how to read."
  "What things?"
"Oh, just... sew me a nice woolen cloak. My old one's disappeared."
  "But I can't sew! And how would I know how, I'm not a girl!"
"My eyes must be failing me. I thought you were some 75 years old. Well then, if I can't get it here there is no reason for me to be in this room."
  "Wait!"

Really gives no indication as to who says what. I'd like to see a bit more of 'the old man said' and Ridgen complained, or 'The young elf shouted'. I am a teacher from Australia and I teach primary school, Ridgen ... I know you would have covered speech in parts of your writing throughout primary school, from at least year 3, if not year 2. And even when you were reading in year 1 and 2, you would have encountered books with speech marks in them. In short, I'm sure you can do better than that, and I'm encouraging you to do better than that. :)

Quote
A bit like we're supposed to be in 16th century France but people are throwing around gang signs and talking about DVDs. They just don't seem to fit.

Ok ... imagine you are reading a fantasy book in which the heroes are going off to fight a dragon. If it has been established that they use swords and such in battle, and then suddenly they pull out some kind of high powered rifle ... it wouldn't fit. Or if you were watching Lord of the Rings, and Gandalf pulled out a mobile phone as part of the movie ... once again that wouldn't fit. You'd know straight away that something was wrong ... and your ability to believe in the environment they are establishing (for the sake of the book/movie) would be destroyed.

One example of this I found in your history section was the following bit ...

Once he had said his goodbyes, he set off for the continent of Sarvonia. That night, he was asleep, and the boat had crashed into some rocks, and smashed to pieces. He was asleep then, but, miraculously, he woke up the next morning washed up on the shore of Northern Sarvonia. What luck!

Now, that seems like too big of a coincidence to me. It makes me want to say 'have another go at it, and try to make it sound a bit more plausible'. It is a fairly long way between Sarvonia and your home continent. It would certainly take more than a day ... much much more than a day for a boat that is suitable for one person to make it to Sarvonia ... that is if the boat can survive the rougher tides etc of the oceans betwene the two continents.

A suggestion ...
Maybe he started off the trip with others ... It was plain sailing for a few days, but then, disaster struck the boat in a storm or something, and he alone survived. When he thought he was done for, a ship happened to see him that was bound for Sarvonia somewhere, and that ship took him to the city that you mentioned? Taking pity on him or something because he couldn't speak their tongue, but not wanting him to perish.

To me something like that might be a bit more plausible than the way you've got for him to get there.

Ridgen, I truly hope that assists you somewhat with understanding what Valan meant. Please ask here in your CD thread, or in a Q&A thread if you have further questions.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 03, 2010, 06:48:57 PM
Oh, thanks! It's far clearer now. Back to pencil...


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on February 04, 2010, 04:34:53 PM
The S&W have an ok from me.

At this point, once the history sections are cleaned up, you may be ready for your first approval.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 06, 2010, 05:52:29 AM
All done! *falls over and dies*  :lol:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on February 06, 2010, 06:06:59 AM
Because all the areas except history have basically already been approved by the commentors, I give you a FIrst Approval

I will see what Dek has to say about his comments. :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 06, 2010, 06:23:51 AM
Yay! Thank you Miss!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Alýr (Rayne) on February 07, 2010, 01:14:11 AM
I haven't read through your entire profile, but I wanted to note that the qualities below are very uncommon for elves:

Phobias: Elves believe in the interconnectedness of the Dream and natural cycles of life and death, or the seasons, and of all things. What is there to be afraid of? All things happen as they are meant to happen.

Self-esteem issues: This implies a great deal of individuality and individual perspective; however, elves are often community-minded. They don't think about flaws or faults (though they often know their shortcomings), but instead focus on ways to either improve them or get around them in order to best help the community.

Tantrums: Elves are not often riled enough to experience tantrums. They see the true nature of things, the interconnectedness of things, and this prevents them from becoming angry or sad. Anger and sadness are emotions arising out of a lack of acceptance to the true nature of the Dream.

Traditionally the RP board hasn't been too concerned with elves acting elven, but it might be of benefit to know what qualities of your character are atypical for your race (just in case!). Good luck with your approvals! :heart:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 07, 2010, 03:57:07 AM
Ok then... removing those and putting in the worse possible weakness I could think of without tipping it off balance (or maybe thinking up of a few things...)  :buck:
Thanks miss Rayne.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 07, 2010, 04:04:19 AM
And that one new weakness should cover up everything. XD

Thanks for your comments, Miss Rayne!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on February 07, 2010, 05:36:41 AM
Your history section still has a lot of problems in it in my opinion. It reads in a very disjointed manner in places. The language spoken by the characters still doesn't sound 'real' to me, and at times it is still quite difficult to work out who is saying what in places.

With speech, it is good to give as much guidance to the reader as possible ... if Ridgen is talking to someone else, please have the speech by each person on a separate line, and with some kind of identification as to who is speaking each time. Either use the person's name who is talking or some identification of which one it is based on looks or something.

Some specific issues I can see ...

'A man opened the door' ... you mean an elf, don't you? And if by man you mean male, say male elf.

Some of the names eg 'Norm' and 'Bleak' don't quite ring true to me ... it is another one of those things that I mentioned in my last post to you. 'Norm' does not really sound like an elven name to me. They make me stop with the suspension of belief needed to believe and enjoy something like this. Especially considering some of the other names you have used throughout it ... please change Norm and Bleak to other names more elf-like.

Please, no animated skeletons. Your history has to fit in with the world as has already been established. And animated skeletons simply will not work.

Silverbards are a Santharian coin. You come from a different continent, so it kind of begs the question, 'How did he get the coins?'

Not to be rude, Ridgen, but your history needs a lot of work. I'd suggest that you do your research into the world of Caelereth, and into your chosen tribe.

As Valan suggested, your way of writing the history does not really fit in with our mode of being the 'all knowing CD writer'. This means that even if YOUR character doesn't know things like who his parents were, you as CD writer knows them. Thus, you need to indicate who his parents are (even if you don't name them by name).

Please consider taking a look at other people's CDs and compare them to what you've done in yours. There are lots of different styles, but your style really jumps around, and the events described don't really seem to flow well together, neither are they very consistent with the established world.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Malexia Vendu on February 07, 2010, 01:20:16 PM
Ridgen,

May I suggest also that you try to cut out some of the history that really does not fit. Keep the important, relevant stuff. Or, shorten some of what you have. Just be concise since what you have does jump around a little bit. Elves live a long time, so you will have some gaps in your history and that's ok. You don't have to explain centuries of life in detail.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on May 29, 2010, 11:51:02 AM
BUMPing this old project and working on it... again. As I read through this, well, I can;'t believe my attitude or my writing skills, actually! Ok... So yeah, i've come back and is completely reconstructing the  history section... XD :buck:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on June 05, 2010, 08:39:27 AM
I've finished! :lol: And I'm back. Bumping this up and awaiting comments. XD


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Avásh ám Térqu'ypheró on June 05, 2010, 09:03:43 AM
By "Gifted" you don't mean those to whom magic comes naturally, do you? Becuase aren't those restricted? Correct me if I'm wrong!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on June 05, 2010, 09:09:11 AM
They're not restricted, actually. It's just discouraged and looked down upon.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Avásh ám Térqu'ypheró on June 05, 2010, 10:16:32 PM
Really? I did not know that. When I asked about it someone told me it was restricted... anyway.... carry on! All in all, as I am no moderator, I find it very  well done! Good luck to you in the future!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Malexia Vendu on June 06, 2010, 11:15:35 AM
Hi Ridgen! You already have a first approval, but before you get a second one, we need to go over your magic section.

Magic

Water Magic:
Ridgen is one of the Gifted in magic. An incident when he is aged 22 has proved that this is so. He is now a level 3 Water Magus, and studies under the Spiritual Representation of Change. He has basic illusory and emotion alteration abilities, such as:

Gifted are not restricted. However, in my opinion, Gifted should be limited to players who have a good knowledge of the magic system and know how to best play one. Gifted magi are those with little to no control over their magic. Without proper training, a Gifted is dangerous to themselves and others. You give very little explanation of your magic training or your gifted ability and that is something I personally expect. I am more comfortable with you going through magic training from childhood rather than be Gifted.

Creating a negative image and inserting it into a person's mind by increasing the chaotic influence of the water in the car'all so that their mind starts to race and, eventually, make the target start to experience random hallucinations, like flashy lights and random colours. He can do this from three peds away.

This is the first of a list of spells that reads like you copy/pasted from the entries. Why would you use this spell? What attracts you to use spiritual water magic?

Calming the target, by doing the opposite of the above spell; He can calm a certain being by reducing the chaotic influence of water in the car'all slowly so that the unpredictability value of the water element lessens, indirectly calming the target down. Unfortunately, this spell may often backfire, because if he lowers the level too quickly or too far, it will make the target even angrier and it can also cause the target to experience mood swings. He can do this from three peds away.

See comment above. Another spell listing.

Distracting the target, by concentrating on the target and raising the dominance of water in the car'all, much like creating a negative image, but raising it very quickly so that the mind becomes all ruffled up, creating confusion. He can do this from 5 peds away.

See comment above. Another spell listing.

He may also make an enemy become very angry, by lowering the dominance of water in the car'all very quickly and to a far extent. This will make the enemy experience mood swings, and can make them very frustrated. And this works to Ridgen's advantage, because an angry or frustrated enemy always makes mistakes.

See comment above. Another spell listing.

By lowering the water dominance in the car'all to its minimum limit, very slowly, Ridgen can cause a target to become very clumsy and weak. This enchantment will not work on the strong-willed.

Lowering the dominance of water ounia in a car'all does not cause a target to become clumsy. Is this a spiritual or physical manipulation?

For the first 10 years of practicing magic, he has studied under the physical representation of Change: Water Transformation. As a result he has learned the ability to
heighten the properties of water in an object. With concentration, Ridgen can heighten the watery properties in an object without turning it completely into water. He does this by touching the desired object, sensing and focusing on the Water Ounia within the car'all, making it express a watery property. This spell can only work on objects that already has some water properties, otherwise the spell will fizzle and the object is nothing more than it has been.

There is no such thing as a "watery property" of water. Water is water. What you mean to say is that you can simply increase dominance of water ounia within an object's car'all giving it a more water-like aspect. All objects have water properties (water ounia to some degree) so what sorts of objects are you referring? Stuff such as steel, wood or rocks have dominant earth ounia, so at your skill, it is not possible to manipulate water in them.

Also, Ridgen can control water and ice in any way he likes, and he uses this for both combat and non-combat purposes. The first thing he does is concentrate on any piece of water or ice, very heavily, and mould it into a desired shape. When he is done with that, he concentrates harder to move the water or ice like puppets on a string. He may use this to make water very dense and send it at any target at any time, dealing damage, or simply shape ice into very sharp pieces, and launch it at the target. Sometimes he can use this like a tactic to create controlled illusions. When shaping water or ice, he could also shift the reflectiveness of the water, readjusting its color, making it look 'real'.

Controlling water in such a way is not exactly how its done. First, you cannot move ice nor can you mold it. That is more of a wind and earth property respectively (wind being movement and earth being shaping). Also, making water dense is doing what exactly? Are you making ice? What if you do not have a source of water nearby? At your skill, you must have a source of water to manipulate. Skilled magi can produce ice from the air by freezing the water ounia in the air and dropping it on a target. Shaping ice and launching it is not within your skill.

Ridgen does not only use Magic for combat. As shown above, he can use magic to give his items special properties that relate to water in any way. And he could always use it when he wants a cup of refreshing iced tea.

What do you mean here? Giving items special properties is not something you can do. That sounds like enchanting an item and that is not possible at your range.

Final thoughts - Your magic section is basic. What I am looking for is your philosophy of magic. Why do you study what you do? What does your magic mean to you? You list some spells, but that is not a magic section because anyone can list spells from an entry. What you need to do is decide what kind of mage you are. How you go about using your magic other than creating ice? You mention you are a spiritual practitioner, but what sort of goal(s) do you have as a water mage? In other words - what is your focus? Some magi are necromancers and focus their powers animating dead. Some are explorers and focus their magic in treasure hunting. Some are thieves and use magic to aid them steal things. Some are entertainers and use magic to give joy to their audience. What I see with you is a list of spells with no rhyme or reason.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on June 06, 2010, 11:35:53 AM
Who was it that gave Ridgen a First Approval?

I can't see a post from anyone giving him a first approval.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on June 06, 2010, 11:40:10 AM
Kalina did in reply #36, Dek.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on June 06, 2010, 11:43:23 AM
Oh good :) Just wanted to make sure :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on June 07, 2010, 03:09:55 PM
XD Looks like I stuffed that as well. XD Ok then, back to the drawing board.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on June 15, 2010, 06:43:23 PM
bumping back up so it's easier to find while I work on it -_-


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on July 14, 2010, 08:48:25 AM
Bumping for another attempt at completing this unfinished CD. I'll finish it this time!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on August 06, 2010, 04:35:10 PM
A bump to check if I'm doing this right.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Sylvia Palinor on August 06, 2010, 04:57:53 PM
I'll try to take a look at the magic section tomorrow. I have to get to bed now though.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on August 07, 2010, 05:46:07 AM
Ok. I'll just point out that it is not complete, I am merely asking whether it is acceptable for the Magic section to be composed of those types of paragraphs.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 17, 2010, 08:58:30 AM
First off, apologies for being late on this. I have no excuses. :(

Quote
Ridgen had always been fascinated with the capabilities of the mind since childhood. Magic was then nothing to him except for a jumble of words that manipulate water and ice, until he found out about the Spiritual Representations of the Spheres, and that magic can be used in a more... subtle way that he had originally thought. He has always been an inquisitive person, and the more he heard about Spiritual practice the more fascinated he became, and had sooner become a Water Magician himself, one that has achieved Level Three in the practise of Water Magic. He studies magic for the sake of knowing its capabilities, as well as that of the mind itself. Many times he had discovered that what a certain person believes alters what they see and hear, both in reality and illusion, and that the random hallucinations that one suffers after being the target of a spell is not so 'random' after all. For example, under the spell 'Lunatic Fervor', the target is to see random hallucinations and whatnot. It appears that when a target is under this spell, and one thrust out his hand into front of the target and in the direction of the target, it would usually appear to him/her that something would come jumping out of the hand, e.g. a flash of light, a spider, a burst of fire, water, etc.

My problem is most of it is a history lesson, not a section of what he is actually capable of doing. What is he all capable of doing? If you aren't really sure, try reading some of Shailiha's CD. Granted, you won't be able to accomplish near the effects she would, but it would give you some ideas on the direction you need to head in explaining his capabilities. When I read this, I could tell you were sure on what he could do, and not any real knowledge on how to explain it. Write like you are sure of yourself and strong in your knowledge, otherwise people are going to second guess you, which isn't a good stance to have when it comes to magic. Be sure, and state what exactly he is capable of so Moderators and other players have an idea of what they are dealing with.

Good Luck!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on September 10, 2010, 06:41:26 PM
I think that's it! (maybe...) Thank you for your patience with me, those who helped with my CD. Up and ready for comments.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Malexia Vendu on September 11, 2010, 10:12:40 PM
You've put alot of work and dedication into this CD Ridgen. Your ability to stick to this despite all the work that us commenters had you do speaks volumes to your dedication.

I think for a first time magic CD, you have done an admirable job and you can only get better with each subsequent CD you make.

I therefore bestow a Second Approval!  :pet:

Remove coloring and an Admin will be by to title you. Congrats!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on September 12, 2010, 02:51:21 AM
Thank you! The colour has been removed.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on September 14, 2010, 03:10:51 AM
Titled and Archived.  Congrats. :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Magus - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on January 04, 2011, 06:12:09 AM
Ready for your edits, Ridgen!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 13, 2011, 07:05:40 AM
Edited and ready for comments! :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on January 13, 2011, 07:47:23 AM
From your clothing section:

Quote
His feet are covered with shoes of a material slightly softer than leather - somewhere on the borderline of hard and soft.

I'd like a brief explanation of the material. Just an identification would do, really.

Here's something you could use for that from the clothing section of the entry on Cyhallrhim elves:

Quote
For the males a thick-fabric jerkin is worn over the close-fitting garments, and a second pair of gloves and long socks are not uncommon.

Also, that section is a pretty mean block of text, so I'd suggest you break it into two paragraphs. I would make the break whenever it starts describing his overcoat, because the section takes on a new subtopic.


Now onto the second paragraph of your personality section:

Quote
Well, that was the case. At least until he met Elric Frost. That changed everything - his perception of the world and his actual persona. Now he no longer hides behind a mask of happiness - his personality actually matches that. Ridgen became an optimistic person that is somehow unfazed by most things. A curious person that enjoys seeing others happy - as well as making others happy. Due to his past persona, he is an excellent observer - and he can often pinpoint the cause of an issue.

I'd like to see you take a look at that part of your history and draw on it more for this paragraph. I want to see more clearly how the Elric Frost and these changes relate, and I want a more complete exposition of those changes. You may even want to take two paragraphs for this instead of the one you have right now.

Now, on to your S's and W's. You look pretty balanced, and I have noticed some creativity present here. However, I take issue a bit with these weaknesses:

Quote
! Easy to Trust: Even though he is a fully grown elf, Ridgen still has the innocence of a child - therefore, it is easy to gain his trust. In certain circumstances, this would be a huge problem.

What are those certain circumstances? As of right now, I don't even know if this is an eligible weakness. It seems like a precarious idea that this would really affect him negatively, and I think you may want to get rid of it (but if you can convince me that it is an eligible weakness, and I won't be that hard to convince, then I'll be okay with it).

If I might offer a different weakness to supplant this one, which would be more of a weakness, I would say that you should talk about him having naivette. This would hit on that same note of him being innocent, and round things out nicely.

Now, the second (and thankfully for you the last) weakness that I took issue with was this one:

Quote
! Takes a while: It takes quite a while for Ridgen to complete some sort of task. He may lose more than a few clients this way.

It makes good sense that this would be a weakness, but I can't quite picture the reason. Could you explain why it is that he takes so long? Is he a bit scatterbrained, or sluggish?

Okay, that's it! Make these few minor changes and you'll have my approval. Which means I'll take this back into the approved CD's.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 13, 2011, 02:44:56 PM
Thanks for those comments, Alexandre! I'll be working on them now.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 03, 2011, 02:23:57 PM
Ok, up and ready for comments! (Finally :) )


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Shen Caz'na on February 05, 2011, 04:37:39 PM
Hello Ridgen! I can only guess at the areas you upgraded since this was brought up for edits. Could you make a tiny list, so I know what to look at and what is already approved? If your 'Magic Section' was redone, I'll look into it after confirmation.

~Sincerely~ The Darkpriestess, Shen Caz'na


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on February 05, 2011, 06:59:52 PM
Well Ridgen, things are looking good aside from this quibble I had in reference to the second paragraph of your personality section:

Quote
I'd like to see you take a look at that part of your history and draw on it more for this paragraph. I want to see more clearly how the Elric Frost and these changes relate, and I want a more complete exposition of those changes. You may even want to take two paragraphs for this instead of the one you have right now.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 06, 2011, 04:06:09 AM
@Alexandre: I'll be getting to it :)

@Shen: Well, actually, I reconstructed the entire CD from scratch when I brought it up for edits. Alexandre is fine with basically everything except for my magic and personality sections - maybe you would like to have a look at those, at a later time. Thanks, by the way :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Shen Caz'na on February 06, 2011, 09:51:59 AM
My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color teal!

When, Where and How: During Combat
During combat, Ridgen is most effective when people can actually hear his voice <-- How does his voice increase the effectiveness of his spells? The main thing that deals with the power of a mage is the strength of his will. You could for example, weaken the spiritual property of cold and make someone more inclined towards 'warm' feelings towards you while chatting but the actual speaking part has no magical connotations. - his voice being the key to his most powerful combinations. Sure, without using his voice,<-- As mentioned above, he would be as potent with his magic without using his voice as when he does use it. he can still knock people unconscious, but with it, he could do much, much, more.

A combination of spells used by Ridgen during combat is quite powerful when used correctly. With Lunatic Fervor in conjunction with Area of Frost, all that is needed then is a voice to heavily affect the target. To start with, the elf stalls the target - mostly through talking and dodging - while slowly, but steadily, he increases the level of influence of the chaotic property of water in the +Water Ounia present in the target, until it hits a point when a target begins to experience random hallucinations. If time is not on his side, he'll do this much more quickly.<-- Why hesitate? It would be far safer to get right down to it, as you are being attacked anyhow. After that, he taunts the target - riling it up, asking the target what it sees, and then telling it horrible things - which is almost certain to bring up even worse images in the hallucinations. All the while, he's making an area of cold around the target <-- sI spells stop as soon as you quit concentrating on them, or a few blinks there-after. It is also impossible to be casting another spell while you are concentrating on keeping another one active.- simply by bringing up +strengthening the property of coldness in the air around it. At this point, the elf may ask, in a rather nihilistic tone, whether the target could feel the cold seeping into his/her body. He tells they will either faint, or have their body shut down through the illusion. The effect of Lunatic Fervor also helps the process, and at this point, the target would either be knocked unconscious, or dead - effectively willing themselves into that state - unless it has a good amount of willpower - this sort of thing is rare in people, so the chances of people still standing after this are low. If the magician wishes to keep the target alive, he certainly wouldn't want to use this strategy. This entire last section is questionable, as you can not have more than one sI incantation going at any given time.

The area of cold in the strategy above could be replaced by water <-- Not sure what you mean by water here. Possibly you are thinking of the liquidness property of water? Even then the only thing you could accomplish in sI would be a hazy fog in the area, as the moisture would become pronounced in the target car'all. to create an effect that makes the target think it is drowning - either way, it's a horrible combination, and is used minimally.

A more subtle combination is to combine rage <-- Rage/Anger is a property of Fire. and quicksand to trap the target. It's quite simple, really. The elf quickly decreases the influence of the water properties in the Ounia in the target so that an 'angry' property <-- You do not choose what properties of the other elements become prominent, the three other elements become expressed equally, hence no strengthening of particular properties of the other elements. sets in and enrages the target - taunting the target further increases the effectiveness of the spell.<--You would have to taunt them whilst weakening the cold spiritual property just to start to get them mad. As they would be less 'cold' and more inclined towards anger. This leads to the target charging carelessly towards the elf - then he generates a quicksand <-- The moment you start this incantation the targets car'all would revert to its neutral state and the anger with it. a few peds away from himself, through increasing the property of fluidity in the ground below. The target, still running, would fall into the quicksand and the elf would release his focus, effectively trapping the target in the ground.

Yet another way - a very comical one, I must say - is to make the target run into a wall of ice. The target is enraged, taunted, and all that, and Ridgen casually reaches into the inner pockets lining his overcoat for an aquamarine stone. <-- Once again, when you start casting another incantation the sI influence you had is now gone. They would come to their senses within a couple blinks. Probably well within the time it takes you to cast yet another spell. The target runs towards the elf, then Ridgen throws the stone, a few peds in front of the charging target - which, along with Ridgen hastily bringing up the influence of coldness, creates a wall of solid ice - and the target's momentum propels it into the wall, knocking it out and bringing a few laughs, ouches, and all that sort of stuff.

Just so you know where my sI comments have come from.
Quote
Sphere One is the simplest of the Spheres, and is usually taught from levels 1 to 3.  It alters how strongly the properties of an Element is expressed in a car'áll.  This can be done with all properties, or with skill, only some, or even just one property.  As the influece of an Element is affected by how strongly its properties are being expressed in the car'áll, this can increase or decrease the overall influence of an Element in a target car'áll.  The main disadvantage of Sphere One is that its effects are temporary, ending once the caster stops focusing on them.  The other Spheres can create more persistent effects.
From Mina's Magic Guide.
Quote
Sphere I spells typically last as long as the caster continues focusing. Once the concentration is broken, willingly or otherwise, the cár'áll quickly returns to its natural state, causing the spell effect to end. Hence, the only limit to the duration is how long the caster can sustain the manipulation. Here, like other relaxing activities, the effects can often linger a bit longer.

Nonetheless, the spell effect is still temporary, since both the mind’s own attempt to rearrange itself and external stimuli (if the events that gave rise to the nervousness in the first place are still present) continue to influence the target.
This is from Coren's calm spell and is the main reason why I mentioned that some sI spells could linger for a few blinks.

Hope my comments have helped you get this straightened around Ridgen! :heart:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on February 07, 2011, 04:03:48 AM
Oh wow - I really got that wrong O.o

Oh well, I'll learn from this mistake, hopefully :P right, time for edits :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on May 18, 2011, 08:20:14 PM
Hi Ridgen!

To make it easy for you to find your CD, I've gone and found it for you and brought it to the front page. I hope we can get you re approved and re archived rather quickly. However as you are an approved character, I believe that you should be able to join a story while waiting for your reapprovals, should you want to. :D

Welcome back!


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on May 20, 2011, 06:46:58 PM
Yes, give Dek and I a bump when you're done, because this should be fairly easy and your CD has been waiting in this forum for a little while. Not to mention that we have little else on our plates in the CD forum right now (as far as I can tell, only four CD's have been posted in this month).


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on May 21, 2011, 07:24:16 AM
Right, I'm just about done.

Thanks to Dek, Alexandre and Shen :D


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on May 21, 2011, 11:01:44 AM
Well Ridgen, you don't appear to have explained how he performs the spell "Ice Wall". Rather, you appear to have just explained the usefulness of the spell.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on May 21, 2011, 12:21:25 PM
Ah... Oops. My bad xD

It's fixed. The actual name of the spell is 'Frost Shield', for some reason =/


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on May 22, 2011, 02:33:13 PM
Ah, nice... You even had the reagents in your belongings section already. Remove the colors and I'll send it back to the archives.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on May 22, 2011, 02:50:12 PM
Thanks, Alexandre =D

The colour has been removed.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on May 22, 2011, 05:04:14 PM
Ummm ... where's the approval of Ridgen's CD since Ridgen last brought it up for edits, Alexandre? Which magic expert has looked over it recently? I don't see an approval given of late.

Not trying to be difficult, Ridgen and Alexandre, but I do think that we need to confirm an approval from a magic expert first.

Dek


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on May 22, 2011, 05:07:53 PM
I am going to look over this in a few hours. Please wait until I have had the chance to look over this clearly.

~Kalina


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on May 22, 2011, 06:13:00 PM
Fair enough xD


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on May 23, 2011, 05:24:10 AM
I'm confident in his magic section, but I guess I'll leave it's ultimate appraisal to Kalina. By the way, it's nice to see all three admins around these last few days  :pet:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on May 23, 2011, 02:25:47 PM
Everything looks to be in order! Thanks for your patience :)

And moved back down :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Irid alMenie on December 24, 2011, 09:13:25 PM
Brought up for you as requested :)

Ava, but it's been a long time since I've been able to say that :D

Edit: Also put on the pencil for you.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on December 27, 2011, 05:26:35 PM
Thanks, Irid :) It's open for comments now :D

I'm afraid it might be a lil OP :/


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alýr (Rayne) on December 28, 2011, 10:50:06 AM
The magic is solid, and to be honest, I actually really like the magic / sword combo. Really, level 4 is not very high--there's not a whole lot you can do with only a few low-level spells up your sleeve, but I think this CD demonstrates a really good blending of the two.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on December 28, 2011, 12:53:22 PM
Thank you :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on December 28, 2011, 09:30:47 PM
Greetings Ridgen, and welcome to the Dream.

According to the restrictions (http://www.santharia.com/adv/index.php?www;page=15) in place, a level four mage will need the approval of the administration. Please secure the said approval, and we'll take a gander at your CD.

Have a nice day.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on December 29, 2011, 06:50:28 AM
I'm guessing I should go ask Alt now?  K, I'll go ask him.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on December 29, 2011, 10:16:07 AM
Our Restrictions, and everything we do is being discussed and revised.  Among these, the Level 4 Restriction.  It will be based now on the Proficiency and Understanding of Magic shown in the CD itself, so each CD will be judged on its own merit.

I'm no magic expert.  I'm a Remusian.  Only thing I know about magic users is that they make a pretty good fire when you're outta wood. :P

Thorgas, and Rayne, have my blessing to judge whether or not a CD qualifies to be able to climb out of that level 4 ceiling.  I will back their decisions.  I trust their judgement. :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alýr (Rayne) on December 29, 2011, 11:28:48 AM
The spells you had before I've only glanced through. Since they were approved, I let them go, but some are not correct. They can be grandfathered in, but they aren't in line with the system. Do you want to keep them even though they're incorrect, or do you want to develop spells more in line with the Ximaxian system? It's your choice--if you choose the latter, I can assist you with explanations.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on December 29, 2011, 01:52:11 PM
I'd like the latter option, if that's okay.

EDIT: I just saw a blatant error in my magic section that I must've overlooked. I think I fixed it? :buck:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alýr (Rayne) on December 30, 2011, 02:07:34 AM
All right, my dear. Notebooks and pencils out, thinking caps on, and here we go!:


Lunatic Fervor/Distraction:

Hallucinations are pretty hard to accomplish, and if I had to make a sudden, intuitive decision about them, I would probably throw them into the wind school. However, it doesn't necessarily seem as though what end outcome you want here isn't so much hallucinations as unhinging someone's composure/calmness--identical to distraction. On the site, it mentions chaos as an attribute of water. I disagree (this is where Drustai pops out of the shadows...). I believe calmness and tranquility are attributes of water and chaos is an attribute of its opposing element, fire.

[If this wasn't the case, it would mean that, by lessening the influence of water and increasing that of fire, a subject would become calmer and less chaotic. Uh.. fire? Calm? Probably not.]

Let's start in the beginning: This is a spell of the spiritual nature (you're not affecting the physical), so almost by definition, you're affecting a living car'all (a car'all that has a will of its own). It involves a negation of your element (lessening the influence of water, not increasing it), so you achieve the effect indirectly. When you cast this, the spell will be difficult and moderately ineffective for two reasons:
  • You are casting a spell on a car'all that has a will. Say you were casting this spell on me. Everything else being equal, you wouldn't get a very effective result because I have more control over my own car'all than you do. Even if I am not a magic-user, I sub- or unconsciously know my car'all, and my will fights anything that endangers my natural composition and balance. That said, mages generally (by not always) have very strong wills. Why? Because they use their will power very often to cast spells. However, you should expect that this spell will be weak for this reason.
  • You are casting a spell indirectly. Within magic, there is a principle called Conversation of Voice. Basically, the 'number' of active (soor) and inactive (ahm) links within a car'all remain proportional. If you make a link active (soor), another turns inactive (ahm) by this principle. When you reduce water's influence, you increase the influence of the other elements. While fire is mostly affected by this change (since water and fire fight each other for influence), the others (wind and earth) increase a little as well. You can relate this to energy: you can change electric energy into light, but you can't help losing some of that energy as heat. You can change water influence to fire influence, but you're going to lose some of that influence to water and earth through the transfer, so the effectiveness is somewhat dissipated.

That being said, this can still be a useful spell. It can be cast in Sphere I and at your level (4), it can probably be cast quickly. If something is attacking you, casting this spell can give you precious moments to collect your thoughts and make a decision. I would recommend letting this be your Distraction spell.



Frost Shield:

Frozenness is not an attribute of water. Coldness can be, but not the solidity of freezing. That belongs in the sphere of earth. Therefore, you cannot freeze something using water alone.

You do, however, have options. As a quick magical philosophy lesson: wind and earth are the two 'stable' elements. They know what they are. Fire and water are the two elements in the midst of an identity crisis. Fire is earth desiring to be wind, and water is wind desiring to be earth. (As I see it, water is the "One step at a time--I just need to calm down and focus on being earth" while fire is more of the "I'm not holding back!! Out of my way!! Wind or bust!!") When you freeze something, you're working in line with water's desire: to be like earth.

Not doubt about it: coldness is one of the attributes of water that most quintessentially expresses this desire. All you need it a reagent that will help you link the properties of water and earth, so that by influencing one, you influence the other. I'm more than satisfied to have your aquamarine crystal do this for you. If your sword is aligned and embedded with aquamarine crystals, I would argue that it would be able to serve as a reagent for you. Now the hard part:

This has to be a spell of the second sphere (for a rather weak shield) or of the third sphere (if you want something stronger). The air in front of you simply does not not have that much water ounia within it. If you collect it, you'll get a thin shield. If you pull it in, connecting ounia together from outside, potentially far-away sources, you can get something sizable. If it's raining, foggy, or extremely humid, you're good.



Quicksand:

Unlike the attribute of coldness, the attribute of liquidity works against water's desire. Instead, you're working from the fundamental nature of water--which is wind. Do you need reagents for this spell? No. Liquidity is purely an attribute of water, so no reagents needed unless for focus, but it is a difficult spell. Why? Because liquidity is often against the fundamental tendencies of solid things. Rocks may get warm or may get cold--but rocks are highly unlikely to become light as air and float. This is also a strange spell because when you increase the influence of this property, you're not taking away influence from fire, but rather earth. I haven't quite worked out how that works...

The effectiveness of this spell will in part depend on what you're casting it on, and will probably require you to pull in other water ounia (sphere III). Why? Well, how much water ounia would you suspect to be in a dried-out wooden floor? Now if you're talking about the ground, which may be moist just under the surface, sphere II would probably work fine. I'm good with you having this spell provided you use it with sensitivity to your level. Semi-moist ground: yes. Wooden floors, dry tundra, solid rock: no.

At your level, I would expect you might be able to 'trap' someone up to their ankles. Why so little? Because the deeper in they go, the deeper area of effect you have to maintain, and the more water ounia you'll need to move around and affect. Also, considering that this spell increases the concentration of earth and water ounia within a relatively small area, and considering that both those elements are used to freeze, I would say you have the potential to really debilitate someone with this as a combination effect.

Quick note: keep in mind this spells take time to cast. This would be a hard spell to cast suddenly; think of it more in terms of a "trapping" spell, so someone coming at you may get stuck upon approach.



Fog:

I'm fine with this, provided there's enough water in the air. Something I do want to bring your attention, too, though, simply because I know that you are a student of magic: clarity is an attribute of wind while opaqueness is an attribute of earth (probably not a shocker). Fog lingers in the realm of water. Notice how water combines these attributes when it manifests: fog is not clear... but it's not completely opaque either. Expect your "unstable" elements (water and fire) to exhibit or even combine attributes from the stable elements (wind and earth).



I know this is a lot to throw at you. I hope it makes sense, more or less, but let me know if you have questions. I'm here to help.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on December 30, 2011, 03:15:34 PM
Done :)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alýr (Rayne) on December 30, 2011, 11:52:25 PM
Quote
Since the effects of Sphere I spells are only temporary, anything caught up in the quicksand will be effectively trapped.

Quicksand would probably involve I and II; also, keep in mind almost all spells are temporary, as magic usually involves altering the natural order of car'allia. Carallia will always seek to return to their natural state.

Other than that, and your acknowledgment of the limitations of these spells, I'm good with this! Nice work, Ridgen.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on December 31, 2011, 04:38:17 AM
Thanks, Rayne :D

Edits made accordingly. Ish.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 04, 2012, 08:03:12 AM
So uhm... Whaat now? :buck:


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Alýr (Rayne) on January 04, 2012, 08:05:28 AM
I reminded the other CD Mods about this yesterday, but it's a busy time of year. If I don't hear anything back soon, I'm just going to start bugging Altario to move it back to Archive. I think you're ready to go.  ;)


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on January 04, 2012, 10:30:57 AM
Just a real quick comment, Ridgen. In your "Weapons" section, it still says "level 3 water mage" which I'm pretty sure you've upped it up to level 4, right?


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Ridgen Sú'ufanán on January 04, 2012, 10:42:39 AM
Fixed.


Title: Re: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on January 04, 2012, 01:51:48 PM
Banishing you back to the bowels of the archive. :P