Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters 2011 => Topic started by: James Seabird on June 29, 2010, 08:41:35 AM



Title: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on June 29, 2010, 08:41:35 AM
Name: James Seabird

Gender: Male

Age:17

Race: Human

Tribe: Avennorian

Occupation: Deckhand

Title: The Runaway Pirate

Hair color: Wavy Eophran Brown Hair

Eye Color: Baveras Eye

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan and 3 Nailbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 2 Ods, and 4 Mut

Physical Appearance:
James is tanned from constant sun exposure on the deck of a ship, he has a lanky build, and he’s flexible, yet strong as any sailor should be. He has sharp features and an intelligent face with a bright smile placed in a sun kissed face. He also bears a tattoo of a gull, wings spread, on the back of his left hand near his wrist. On his back are scars from when he was beaten and whipped as a slave.

Clothing:
His clothing is simple; it’s made of cheap material and is made for maneuverability. It bears many signs of being worn on the sea. He has a pair of boots that have a hollowed out watertight heel, in which he stores his money and other belongings. He wears gloves that have the fingers cut off to hide his tattoo.

Personality:
James is mentally strong and clever young man, who likes an adventurous seafaring life.

He tries to act like he's several years older than he is, pretending to be a sea worn sailor with a cruel mind and temper, that doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's a thin shield, however, and his true colors often shine through. Anyone who talks to him, civilly, for a length of time will see what he’s truly like. He's quite witty and has a bright personality beneath the façade, and those who take time to get to know him, normally, take a liking to him.

He has no real desire for treasure or material goods but instead he desires adventure. He has more heart than he is normally willing to show to anyone. He puts the well being of others over his own, discreetly, so people will believe him to be tougher than he really is. He is a good actor and that's why he's still alive, despite the different crews he has worked with.  

He doesn't like people who don't pull their weight, as he's been forced to do all his life, but he is sympathetic to those who can't pull much weight at all, i.e. children, the elderly, sick or wounded people. If your not doing your fair share then he's scathing and rude with his comments. He's good at delegating work fairly among groups of people.

Strengths:
James is fast. In the rigging, on the ground, in the water, climbing up and down he moves as fast as possible. His speed is part of what keeps him alive in a fight. He can maneuver the rigging of any ship with great ease, seeming more to fly than to climb, which is where he got his name.

James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors, he is capable of swimming for up to an hour.

James is well versed in using the Hrkje Whip. He learned the basics when he sailed with pirates. It seemed to come naturally to him and he learned quickly becoming quite good at using it to disarm and incapacitate crews being raided. Since he ran away, he has become even better with the weapon by seeing and working with others who use it in other crews, as well as a lot of practice.

James can also use a sling with some proficiency and has decent accuracy from 12 peds away.

James has a bright personality that makes him quite likable after one gets to know him and he gets along well with others. He's a team player. He's learned from experience, if you don't act as a team on a ship then you won't be acting as anything for long.

James has a large amount of nautical knowledge and can manage almost any position on a ship with ease. Having spent his whole life at sea and having been raised by pirates, who taught him almost all he knows. He can navigate a ship, as well as haul the proper rigging and tie the proper knots. James has never been given much authority on a ship, has never led a crew himself or done some of the more responsible jobs, but those jobs which he has not done he still knows how to do. Though he also is aware that knowing how to do them and actually doing them are two very different things.

James is strong. His life at sea tugging ropes, hauling rigging, carrying barrels has left him as strong as any sailor should be.

James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books. Captain Gwinn taught him to read among many other things about sailing.

James has really good eyesight. Onboard a ship if you're sailing blind or if you cant see your quarry, then you're in big trouble, either with the sea herself or with the captain. James has often found himself in the crows nest because of his ability to see long distances, even by the dim torchlight aboard his vessel.

Weaknesses:
James is superstitious like most sailors, he can be either overly frightened or overly confident, bordering on foolhardy, because of his belief in sailors' yarns.

James is overly adventurous and curious, often getting himself into trouble because of his need to satisfy his curiosity.

James is very impatient, if something isn't happening as fast as he would like it to he'll often get irritable. The exception being that he is not impatient for voyages or adventures to end or for destinations to arrive.

James has a sharp tongue and can often talk his way into trouble with a smart remark. James is not aware of when he should stop speaking, and for once James is not quick…to apologize.
 
James knows nothing of inland routes. Having been raised on the sea James has never needed to go far inland and because of this, all he knows about roads and trails inland are only versions talked about by villagers on land.

James is very confused around women. As James grew up onboard a ship with a male captain and a nearly all man crew, as well as being a teenager he is very curious about women. He knows very little about them, aside from the fact that some of them might gut you. He's had many bad experiences with the one woman onboard crew with the pirates. James has no idea how to act and often comes across as just plain stupid around women. Women amaze and confuse him more than almost anything else. He holds no delusions of what they are capable of (i.e. stabbing you in the back, or in the front, with a knife) but is all the more confused when one appears kind.

James is scared of horses and other large creatures. James is rarely on land for long periods of time. Because of this, large land creatures make him curious and more than a little wary. James is scared of horses in particular, because they are large animals with strong legs and teeth that could easily kill you.

James fears large fires. Because he has spent his life on sea there normally aren't big fires, and if there are then there's normally trouble. Fire makes him careful if the flame is any bigger than a torch, and, given his reputation for leaping before he looks, being careful means he's probably scared.

History:
James was born to a family made up of a fisherman and his wife, who lived on the coast of the Adanian Sea, near Ciosa. From his father he learned how to sail and guide a ship, as well as swim, at an early age. James loved his life of the sea and took to it right away. By age five he knew everything there was to know about the small fishing vessel his father used, though he was too small to sail it himself. He just seemed to absorb any information about the sea and anything having to do with it. James loved his parents and his life but always seemed to be getting into trouble. He often wandered off alone, leaving his mother quite concerned as to where he was, but he would always return after a day of mischief and adventuring. The neighbors would often find, after these excursions, knots would appear in their fishing nets as if someone was practicing tying, as well as some fish or shells discovered on their doorsteps.

When James was 8, he was kidnapped by pirates, who killed his parents, and kept him to be forced labor aboard a ship. The captain he was captured by was named Captain Gwinn, a dreaded marauder of the coasts. James spent most of his life aboard the ship. Life as forced work, at first, was grueling, hard work with its fair share of beatings, but soon the captain came to realize James’ abilities and knowledge of the seas. Quickly, James became more than just cheap labor, and he became more of Gwinn's favorite pet. As he grew he came to be part of the crew and not just the captured boy. He learned how to use the whip from the different members of the crew and became quite skilled he also learned more about a life at sea and how all the different jobs work. When he turned thirteen, one of the crew members gave him his tattoo, as a sign of becoming a man. His years at sea made him strong and kept him in shape but as he is still a teenager, he is scrawny compared to his fellow sailors.

James got along well, with the rest of the crew, who eventually became used to his presence and put up with him. However there was one member of the crew who terrified him more than any other, Iris, the one female abord the vessel. A more cuthroat pirate would be impossible to meet. She took it as a personal offense that James became "part of the crew" just by being abducted. To James it felt as if she had made it her personal mission to make his life hell. Iris was the pirate that would cut you for looking at her wrong, especially at the wrong time of the month. She gave James many scars and wounds to prove it, it seemed to give her some savage pleasure to see James in pain. It would give Iris no greater pleasure than to see James tortured then painfully killed, however, Captain Gwinn was not going to have his favorite pet killed and made sure his crew understood that. Despite these warnings James learned, that there are many things one can sustain without dying or being killed.
Yet despite Captain Gwinn's "kindness" James knew he was still just a glorified servant and would never truly be free. So after turning sixteen, when the crew had landed under false colors, to replenish supplies and do a little shady business, James secretly jumped ship and joined another crew. Since then he has traveled with a few different crews, on a few different voyages always seeking adventure and on the run from his former master. Captain Gwinn has been searching for James ever since he ran.


Weapons: James fights with a Hrkje Whip that he made himself, for his 12th birthday, which carries with him at all times as sash around him. James also carries a sling, which was a gift from his father when he was a boy, that he ties around his neck so it appears to be a necklace.

Belongings: James does not carry many belongings with him, as he owns very little. He does have a small pouch in which he carries a few coins at all times, he also has a bracelet that belonged to his mother that he wears.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on July 02, 2010, 06:55:18 AM
Welcome to Santharia! You already look well along your way to approval (for not having had any comments so far), if I might say so.

He is rather young, so it is acceptable for him to have a short history section. However, what was life like before slavery? What was slavery like as well? Please be descriptive, as this is important pertaining to his personality.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on July 03, 2010, 12:43:33 AM
Thank you for your comments. I made some edits to the history section as well as give his weight and height more accurately. It's kind of a rough edit but I think it will suffice nicely. If you have any ideas on how to change it, or thoughts on another spot, or even general ideas for the character please let me know.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Tervild Jorek on July 04, 2010, 01:15:45 AM
Good afternoon James,

Being a fellow Avennorian I'd like to provide you with some comments considering you've been waiting for a while now. I'll be making comments and suggestions in light blue and corrections in gold.

Name: James Seabird

Gender: Male

Age:17 I believe this to be real young, nothing wrong with that but it IS a very short amount of time in which your character can learn his skills. Starting young is one thing, but having good reliable skills takes a while to build up.

Race: Human

Tribe: Avennorian

Occupation: Deckhand

Title: The Runaway Pirate

Hair color: Wavy Eophran Brown Hair

Eye Color: Baveras’ eye

Clothing: His clothing is simple; it’s made of cheap material and is made for maneuverability. It bears many signs of being worn on the sea. He has a pair of boots that have a hollowed out watertight heel, in which he stores his money and other belongings. He's worn gloves with the fingers cut off ever since he ran away from pirates to hide his tattoo.

Personality: James is mentally strong and clever who likes an adventurous seaward life. He has more heart than he is normally willing to show to anyone. He puts the well being of others over his own, discreetly, so people will believe him to be tougher than he really is. He has no real desire for treasure or material goods but instead for adventure. He is a good actor and that’s why he’s still alive, despite the different crews he’s worked with. He’s quick on his feet and has a bright personality beneath the façade, those who know him, normally, take a quick liking to him. He doesn't like people who don't pull their weight, as he's been forced to do all his life, but he is sympathetic to those who can't pull much weight at all, i.e. children, the elderly, sick or wounded people. He's good at delegating work fairly among groups of people.

Your strengths appear to be alright and balanced, but I don't think all of them could be found in a boy who is seventeen years of age. Also you should definetly combine similar skills into one paragraph.

Weaknesses:
James is superstitious like most sailors, he can be either overly frightened because of simple wives tales or overly confident bordering on foolhardy because of his desire for adventure and belief of these tales.

James is very adventurous and curious often getting himself into trouble because of his need to satisfy his curiosity.

James is impatient, if something isn’t happening as fast as he would like it to he’ll often get irritable. The exception being that he is not impatient for voyages or adventures to end or for destinations to arrive.

James has a snappy tongue and can often talk his way into trouble with a smart remark. And for once James is not quick…to apologize.

My only comment about your Weaknesses is that I find them to be a lot less than the strengths that you have. Try to add some more weaknesses to your character to balance out his strengths.

History: James was born to a family made up of a fisherman and his wife, who lived on the coast of the Adanian Sea, near Ciosa. From his father he learned how to sail and guide a ship, as well as swim, at an early age. James loved his life of the sea and took to it right away. By age five he knew everything there was to know about the small fishing vessel his father used, though he was too small to sail it himself. He just seemed to absorb any information about the sea and anything having to do with it. James loved his parents and his life but always seemed to be getting into trouble. He often wandered off alone, leaving his mother quite concerned as to where he was, but he would always return after a day of mischief and adventuring. The neighbors would often find, after these excursions, knots would appear in their fishing nets as if someone was practicing tying, as well as some fish or shells discovered on their doorsteps.

When James was 6, he was kidnapped by pirates who killed his parents and sold him to be a slave aboard a ship. The captain he was sold to was named Captain Gwinn, a dreaded marauder of the coasts. James spent most of his life aboard the ship. Life as a slave, at first was grueling, hard work with its fair share of beatings and forced labor, but soon the captain came to realize James’ abilities and knowledge of the seas. Quickly, James became more than just a slave for cheap labor, and he gained more of a direct purpose. As he grew he came to be part of the crew and not just a slave boy. He learned how to use the cutlass from the different members of the crew and became quite skilled. His years at sea made him strong and kept him in shape but due to his teenage years his is a very scrawny person.

 Yet despite all his good treatment James knew he was still just a glorified slave and would never truly be free. So after turning sixteen, James secretly jumped ship at a port, and joined another crew. Since then he has traveled with many different crews, on multiple different voyages always seeking adventure and on the run from his former master. Captain Gwinn has been searching for James ever since he ran.

So some questions about your history. Tieing knots is all good and well, but how much about seafaring can you really understand before the age of five. I'd imagine it to be difficult to learn how to be really good at swimming given just four years. As for becoming a slave, there doesn't seem to be a real reason for the captain to make you part of his crew even if your character has a good knowledge of the sea. How is it that the cook gives your a character a cutlass and yet is never mentioned in the history? Also if your character is still being hunted by this pirate than shouldn't that be one of your weaknesses?  

Weapons: James fights with a cutlass that he got for his 12th birthday, from the cook on Captain Gwinn’s crew, which carries with him at all times in a sheath. James also carries a sling, which was a gift from his father when he was a boy, that he ties around his neck so it appears to be a necklace.


All around a pretty good CD, but still in need of a little more work. Try to make him as realistic as possible, and take your time. Read over your own work a couple of times, maybe read it out loud and check to make sure there is some kind of fluidity in how you've written. I've noticed some small places where the wording is a little strange in my opinion, but I think you've got the gist of how to make a good CD. Take your time and enjoy writing your character up :)


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Loralon Starstruck on July 07, 2010, 03:54:48 PM
Dude you've got a great cd man keep working at it and it will be approved in no time  ;)


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Ceriwyn on July 10, 2010, 11:09:32 PM
Hello, James!

I'm also fond of your CD. I glanced over some of the comments you received, including the comment about needing more weaknesses. I think there are a lot of weaknesses your character has that you don't mention simply because they're assumed. I'm not very good at this, and I don't know if these would count, but perhaps these might be considered weaknesses:

1. Being unfamiliar with land roads: i.e. being uncertain as to common geographical and road markings (sign posts and whatnot) and traveling on foot across land. Deklitch mentioned on my CD that the weaknesses are in comparison to a common peasants: most common peasants would know how to travel by road and what roads might be unsafe (i.e. roads easily or commonly patrolled by bandits and the like). However, given your character has spent most his life of the sea, he probably would not.

2. I wonder if, being at sea most of the while and not being accustomed to land, your character might have a certain nervousness for large animals. I knew a fellow once who was nervous around horses and refused to ride them because they were such large, powerful, and occasionally capricious creatures that he feared getting bucked off, bit, or kicked.

3. I'm not sure of the gender of Captain Gwinn, but I wonder about the gender make-up of your ship. If ship crews to which your character in generally accustomed are primarily male, you might consider a weaknesses related to females--perhaps his minimal contact yet overwhelming curiosity with regards to women makes him easily disarmed by them.

4. I realize fear of fire is a fairly common weakness (even my character has it!), but on a ship, if something catches fire, it's not enough just to get out, because the see is right beyond the hull. If a fire gets too massive, it's all the crew's lives. Perhaps a fear of fire might also plague your sailor lad?

Just a few ideas! Good luck with your CD.

-Ceriwyn


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on July 16, 2010, 07:49:51 AM
Thank you very much for your suggestions. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I was a little busy these last few days. I welcome any commentary anyone is willing to give. Please keep commenting.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Fu Luft on July 20, 2010, 07:55:51 AM
Hi James, and welcome to Santharia from me! You’ve done a lot right here, have sown some seeds for suspenseful roleplay (those strangers entering the tavern, looking at James and whispering amongst themselves – are they Gwinn’s henchmen, out to catch the fugitive?), and your character is quite rounded. I’ve got only one major concern: James’s weaknesses, although numerous, all sound rather mild to me, and at present I’m not convinced they balance out his considerable strengths. I think you either need to tone down some of the strengths, add a severely limiting weakness, or make one or three of the existing weaknesses stronger. I’ll have a few suggestions below, among the more minor comments, so bear with me.

Name: James Seabird

Gender: Male

Age:17

Race: Human

Tribe: Avennorian

Occupation: Deckhand

Title: The Runaway Pirate

Hair color: Wavy Eophran Brown Hair

Eye Color: Baveras’ eye

(Please add here James’s height and weight in tabular format also, like the hair colour, eye colour, etc. It makes the information easier to find for players who will roleplay with you and just want to have a quick look – eg to check whether their character is taller or shorter than yours, etc.)

Physical Appearance: James is tall for his age, about one ped, two fores, 1 palmspan and 3 nailbreadths tall. He’s tanned from constant sun exposure on the deck of a ship, lanky build, and he’s flexible, yet strong as any sailor should be. He weighs 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 2 Ods, and 4 Mut. He has sharp features and an intelligent face. He has a bright smile placed in a sun kissed face. He also bears a tattoo of a gull, wings spread, on the back of his left hand near his wrist. On his back are scars from when he was beaten and whipped as a slave.

Clothing: His clothing is simple; it’s made of cheap material and is made for maneuverability. It bears many signs of being worn on the sea. He has a pair of boots that have a hollowed out watertight heel, in which he stores his money and other belongings. He's worn gloves with the fingers cut off ever since he ran away from pirates to hide his tattoo.

Personality: James is mentally strong and clever who likes an adventurous seaward life. (Either say: “James is mentally strong and clever and likes an adventurous life at sea.” or: "James is a mentally strong and clever young lad, who likes an adventurous life at sea.") He has more heart than he is normally willing to show to anyone. He puts the well being of others over his own, discreetly, so people will believe him to be tougher than he really is. He has no real desire for treasure or material goods but instead for adventure. He is a good actor and that’s why he’s still alive, despite the different crews he’s worked with. He’s quick on his feet and has a bright personality beneath the façade, those who know him, normally, take a quick liking to him. He doesn't like people who don't pull their weight, as he's been forced to do all his life, but he is sympathetic to those who can't pull much weight at all, i.e. children, the elderly, sick or wounded people. He's good at delegating work fairly among groups of people. (From your description, I understand what James is like ‘beneath the façade’, but I don’t actually understand what the façade is. Misanthropic? Pugnacious? Aloof? The only hint you provide, as far as I can see, is that James wants others to see him as tough. Maybe you could expand on that a bit? It’s also important for you yourself to get this aspect clear in your head, because you’ll have to play this façade in roleplay.)

(About Strengths and Weaknesses: I quite like it when CD writers provide a short headline term for each strength and weakness, e.g. your first three could be Fast in the rigging,  Swimming,  Cutlass. Most approved CDs do that, and I think it’s good practice. That way, a reader can get a quick overview, or even, if one has read your CD before, one can just quickly remind themselves of the key points.)

Strengths:
James is fast. In the rigging, on the ground, in the water, climbing up and down he moves as fast as possible. His speed is part of what keeps him alive in a fight. He can maneuver the rigging of any ship with great ease, seeming more to fly than to climb, which is where he got his name.

James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors. (Well done for thinking of that! One shouldn’t take the ability for swim for granted, quite right!)

James is well versed in using the cutlass. He learned how to use it while at sea and, having sailed with pirates, has learned how to use it extremely well/effectively, much better than your average sailor. (… but not as good as a fully adult pirate, maybe? This could be an opportunity to limit a strength.) James can also use a sling with some proficiency and has pinpoint accuracy from up to 18 peds. (Two points: 1. The skill with the sling is a separate strength, and should have its own paragraph.   2. Pinpoint accuracy on 18 peds is hard to achieve with a bow, but with a sling it’s a rare feat, I’d say. You could say something like: “… He has a good chance of hitting an object the size of a dog from a distance of 12 (? - suggestion) ped.” … Incidentally, what does he use as ammunition for his sling? There are not so many stones to be found on a ship … Does he keep a collection, replenishing when he goes on land?)

James has a bright personality that makes him quite likable and he gets along well with others. He’s learned from experience, if you don’t act as a team on a ship then you won’t be acting as anything for long.

James has a large amount of nautical knowledge and can manage just about any position on a ship with ease. … (I think you need to specify this. At present, this could be interpreted to mean that he could, for example, command a ship like a captain, or steer a ship through a storm. Both are unlikely given his age and the sort of positions he would have been allowed to take on board so far. Also, these would be rather big strengths. I suggest you specify more clearly what he can and can’t do. (It’s a good idea to write a sentence or two about the limits  of a strength sometimes) Can he navigate? Does he know the right sail to set in each kind of wind? Or is his knowledge more to do with the different types of knots and when to apply them, which fish are edible and which aren’t, what the weather is going to be like tomorrow when the sky is purple in the east tonight, etc….).

James is strong. His life at sea tugging ropes, hauling rigging, carrying barrels has left him as strong as any sailor should be.

James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books.

James can see really well in the dark. Onboard a ship if you’re sailing blind then you’re  in big trouble. So James has trained himself in a way to see long distances even by the dim torchlight aboard his vessel. (Can you train the ability to see in the dark? I genuinely don’t know!)

Weaknesses:
James is superstitious like most sailors, he can be either overly frightened because of simple wives’ tales (or sailors’ yarn?) ;)  or overly confident bordering on foolhardy because of his desire for adventure and belief of these tales. (There is an opportunity to make this weakness more severe. Maybe he believes that a woman on board means bad luck, and maybe this superstition would extend to adventures undertaken on land, which should make for interesting roleplay with female characters? Or he has other concrete superstitions (a cloud shaped like a shark means there is danger ahead, and you shouldn’t start a new adventure that day?). Feel free to make up some concrete detail, so that we can imagine how this weakness would limit James.)

James is very adventurous and curious (add comma) often getting himself into trouble because of his need to satisfy his curiosity.

James is impatient, if something isn’t happening as fast as he would like it to he’ll often get irritable. The exception being that he is not impatient for voyages or adventures to end or for destinations to arrive.

James has a snappy tongue and can often talk his way into trouble with a smart remark. And for once James is not quick…to apologize.
 
James knows nothing of inland routes. Having been raised on the sea James has never needed to go far inland and because of this, all he knows about roads and trails inland are only versions talked about by villagers on land (add comma) normally in fishing villages.

As James grew up onboard a ship with a male captain and a nearly all man crew, as well as being a teenager he is very curious about women. He knows very little about them aside from some of them might gut you. (bad experience with the woman onboard with pirates) (This sentence in brackets is not a full sentence. I believe you meant to spell this out in more detail? I’d be interested to know more!) He can easily find himself in a very awkward situation when it comes to his experiences with women. (I’m not quite sure how this weakness affects him, and how exactly he reacts to women. Is he shy? Buffoonish? Alternatingly reserved and too forthright? Superstitious? Again, you also have an opportunity here to make this weakness more severe.)

James is rarely on land for long periods of time so large, land creatures have (‘make’ instead of ‘have’?) him curious and more than a little wary. James is a little (if you cut out ‘a little’, this would make the weakness more severe, and get you a bit closer to being balanced!) scared of horses in particular, as they are large animals with strong legs and teeth that could easily step on and kill you.

James fears large fires. Because he has spent his life on sea there normally aren't big fires, and if there are then there's normally trouble. Fire makes him careful if it’s much bigger than a torch, and given his reputation for looking before he leaps, being careful means he's more than a little scared.

History: James was born to a family made up of a fisherman and his wife, who lived on the coast of the Adanian Sea, near Ciosa. From his father he learned how to sail and guide a ship, as well as swim, at an early age. James loved his life of the sea and took to it right away. By age five he knew everything there was to know about the small fishing vessel his father used, though he was too small to sail it himself. He just seemed to absorb any information about the sea and anything having to do with it. James loved his parents and his life but always seemed to be getting into trouble. He often wandered off alone, leaving his mother quite concerned as to where he was, but he would always return after a day of mischief and adventuring. The neighbors would often find, after these excursions, knots would appear in their fishing nets as if someone was practicing tying, as well as some fish or shells discovered on their doorsteps.

When James was 6, he was kidnapped by pirates who killed his parents and sold him to be a slave aboard a ship. The captain he was sold to was named Captain Gwinn, a dreaded marauder of the coasts. James spent most of his life aboard the ship. Life as a slave, at first was grueling, hard work with its fair share of beatings and forced labor, but soon the captain came to realize James’ abilities and knowledge of the seas. Quickly, James became more than just a slave for cheap labor, and he gained more of a direct purpose. As he grew he came to be part of the crew and not just a slave boy. He learned how to use the cutlass from the different members of the crew and became quite skilled. His years at sea made him strong and kept him in shape (add comma) but due to his teenage years his is a very scrawny person. (Maybe clearer:  “… but as he is still a teenager, he is scrawny compared to his fellow sailors.”)

Yet despite all his good treatment James knew he was still just a glorified slave and would never truly be free. So after turning sixteen, James secretly jumped ship at a port, and joined another crew. (Wait a minute. The pirate ship just docked at any old port next to merchant ships? That’s a strange kind of pirate, and a strange kind of harbour authority to let this happen. Or did the pirates conceal their identity? Maybe give us some detail?) Since then he has traveled with many different crews, on multiple different voyages always seeking adventure and on the run from his former master. Captain Gwinn has been searching for James ever since he ran.

Weapons: James fights with a cutlass that he got for his 12th birthday, from the cook on Captain Gwinn’s crew, which carries with him at all times in a sheath. James also carries a sling, which was a gift from his father when he was a boy, that he ties around his neck so it appears to be a necklace.

Belongings: James does not carry many belongings with him, as he owns very little. He does have a small pouch in which he carries a few coins at all times, he also has a bracelet that belonged to his mother that he wears.

Overall, a good CD with some well thought-through detail. Most things I pointed out shouldn’t be difficult to fix. But as I said, you’ll need to do some work to get your character balanced in terms of strengths and weaknesses, I think.

Good luck!

Fu


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on July 20, 2010, 02:29:01 PM
James,

Fu has made many great points here. I've changed your icon to pencil for you until you've done so. When you've finished making your changes, please make a brief note in this thread to that effect. Don't forget to colour your changes.

Dek


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Leif Terskun on July 20, 2010, 08:35:19 PM
Hi James,

I'm aware that you have a pencil, but I would just like to second Fu's comment about the cutlass - it is quite an expensive object, there is no reason in your history for the cook to give one to a slave, and he was 12?! I wouldn't do that...or would I :evil:... Anyway, I would say that, considering that, you can cut the cutlass, make him fight only with a sling, and thus remove:
- An implausibility in the history - why would the cook give him it?
- A tricky point of how he was trained - who would let him keep it, a slave?
- And a strength from your, by all accounts unbalanced, list - a sword is quite a useful addition to a character's arsenal.

If you really want a weapon skill, might I suggest he get the cutlass later (as in after he jumps ship) or even uses a different weapon? Avennorians use knives (which would be cheaper), or even the Hrkje Whip (http://www.santharia.com/weapons/hrkje_whip.htm), which is cheap and non-lethal and he could have made one himself, and with his strength he would be great with it.

So anyway, just some ideas. And if you keep it as it is, you should probably explain in the history.

Leif


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on July 21, 2010, 06:06:00 AM
Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions they're extremely helpful. I think I have addressed most if not all of the comments given. If I have missed any please let me know. Thank you for the suggestion of the whip I think it works much better than the cutlass.

Does anyone know if there's a spot on Santharia for common superstitions? Or will I have to look more online for those?

Please continue to give comments and suggestions.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Leif Terskun on July 21, 2010, 06:41:43 AM
The whip was no problem, glad to promote my little pets amongs the RP community. I'm glad it works.

As for superstitions, you could try the  Site Search (http://www.santharia.com/services/search_frame.htm), but almost anything will do. Make it up, if you must. No-one can document every superstition, and if push comes to shove you can make one a superstition that he "picked up from one of his crews" and is found no-where else, I suppose. Or of course a Google Search for Superstition (http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=superstition&hl=en&sourceid=gd&rlz=1Q1GGLD_en-GBGB343GB354) is your best friend. A list may be good, however.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Fu Luft on July 21, 2010, 06:45:46 AM
Hi James,

it would be helpful if you could colour all  your changes, not just some. But I've read through your Strength & Weaknesses section, and your changes are definitely in the right direction. I'll leave it to the mods to judge whether you're balanced now, or not.

Regarding superstitions: we have surprisingly little specific descriptions of superstitions in the compendium. One idea that could fit for your character would be the gobbleswap-lore (http://www.santharia.com/lore/gobbleswap.htm). It's a belief about a strange sort of 'curse' one can acquire by eating an animal that has itself been cursed by eating a smaller animal that has itself been cursed by eating ... (etc.). If it interests you, have a read.

Being paranoid about gobbleswaps could mean, for example, that James refuses to eat certain kinds of fish, or may, when the fear hits him, refuse to eat any fish or any animals at all. (Or maybe all land animals are suspicious to him, and he fears that they're all possessed by gobbleswaps?)

In any case, feel free to make up superstitions yourself, as Leif has said while I was writing this post. Not everything in your CD has to be based on a compendium entry.

Good luck,

Fu


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Leif Terskun on July 21, 2010, 07:14:27 AM
Hey James,

Just a small thing. In personality you imply that it takes time to get to know James, but then say that people "like him quickly"? Would it not be better to say that "people who know him usually like him", not quickly? Maybe I'm being hypersensitive.

Leif


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on July 22, 2010, 05:05:30 AM
Thank you for your advice. I don't think I'll use the gobbleswaps idea though, it seems too crippling of a weakness. James would wind up starving. Though I am having trouble coming up with a good superstitions. Though I've found some that I'll use (i.e. avoid redheads and flatfoots when starting a voyage.) Most superstitions are not crippling but just sort of side things, like no whistling, take care of cats.
I was thinking about adding a fear of rabbits. If one is found near or in/on a ship you should not sail that day but it seems to apply more to his animal fear weaknesses.

I think I will leave the superstitions weakness description where it is for now, and hope it provides enough detail. Any comments and/or suggestions are very much welcomed, whether about superstitions or something totally different.




EDIT: I did find one superstition that could lead to some great lines, and interesting dialogue. It's bad luck to kill a seabird.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on July 23, 2010, 03:24:46 AM
Quote
James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors.

Care to explain? How can you be a sailor who doesn't know how to swim?


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on July 23, 2010, 03:28:16 AM
Quote
James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books.

When, where, and how did he learn to read? It seems plausible, but there needs to be an explanation, seeing as he has lived as sea since he was 6. Maybe a crew mate or captain taught him?

Either that, or he may just have the reading level of a six year old. That would be an interesting quirk.

Edit:
Quote
It's bad luck to kill a seabird.
Is it mere coincidence that I went fishing and crabbing just a week ago, and killed a seabird? I had just cast my bait out, and the seagull dove in after it. He swallowed the hook, and started shaking his head, so I cut my line.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on July 23, 2010, 10:57:01 AM
I certainly will elaborate on the reading, but as for the swimming, I don't fully understand either but many old time sailors did not know how to swim. I think the mentality was what's the point? Thats what I have a boat for. It does seem strange but thats how it is.

I hope for your sake it was a kind or reasonable soul that you killed. Seabirds are said to be the souls of sailors who have died at sea.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on July 24, 2010, 02:53:05 PM
My friend, I'd like to remind you that when you are working on something, we request that you change the message icon of your CD to the pencil icon.

Thank you.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Irid alMenie on July 27, 2010, 09:01:13 PM
Hello James! I have just a few little comments for you, hope they help :) They'll be in teal

Name: James Seabird

Gender: Male

Age:17

Race: Human

Tribe: Avennorian

Occupation: Deckhand

Title: The Runaway Pirate

Hair color: Wavy Eophran Brown Hair

Eye Color: Baveras’ eye

Height: one ped, two fores, 1 palmspan and 3 nailbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 2 Ods, and 4 Mut

Physical Appearance: James is tanned from constant sun exposure on the deck of a ship, he has a lanky build, and he’s flexible, yet strong as any sailor should be. He has sharp features and an intelligent face. He has a bright smile placed in a sun kissed face. He also bears a tattoo of a gull, wings spread, on the back of his left hand near his wrist. On his back are scars from when he was beaten and whipped as a slave.

Clothing: His clothing is simple; it’s made of cheap material and is made for maneuverability. It bears many signs of being worn on the sea. He has a pair of boots that have a hollowed out watertight heel, in which he stores his money and other belongings. He's worn gloves with the fingers cut off ever since he ran away from pirates to hide his tattoo.

Personality: James is mentally strong and clever young man, who likes an adventurous seaward life. He has more heart than he is normally willing to show to anyone. He puts the well being of others over his own, discreetly, so people will believe him to be tougher than he really is. He has no real desire for treasure or material goods but instead for adventure. He is a good actor and that’s why he’s still alive, despite the different crews he’s worked with. He acts like he's several years older than he is, pretending to be a sea worn sailor with a cruel mind and temper. He tries to pretend that he doesn't care about anyone but himself, but often his true colors shine through. He’s quick on his feet and has a bright personality beneath the façade, those who know him, normally, easily take a liking to him. He doesn't like people who don't pull their weight, as he's been forced to do all his life, but he is sympathetic to those who can't pull much weight at all, i.e. children, the elderly, sick or wounded people. If your not doing your fair share then he's scathing and rude with his comments. He's good at delegating work fairly among groups of people.

Strengths:
James is fast. In the rigging, on the ground, in the water, climbing up and down he moves as fast as possible. His speed is part of what keeps him alive in a fight. He can maneuver the rigging of any ship with great ease, seeming more to fly than to climb, which is where he got his name.

James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors.

James is well versed in using the Hrkje Whip. He learned the basics when he sailed with pirates. It seemed to come naturally to him and he became quite good using it to disarm and incapacitate crews being raided. Since then he has become even better with the weapon through seeing and working with others who use it in other crews as well as a lot of practice.

James can also use a sling with some proficiency and has decent accuracy from up to 12 peds away.

James has a bright personality that makes him quite likable and he gets along well with others. He’s learned from experience, if you don’t act as a team on a ship then you won't be acting as anything for long. Doesn't this contradict his pretense of having a 'cruel mind and temper'? Either he does this and it is not easy to get close enough to like him until some time has passed, or he is likeable from the first but then he doesn't show a cruel mind. The same contradiction can be found in the personality section. It seems odd that he should both show a cruel mind and be likeable at the same time.

James has a large amount of nautical knowledge and can manage almost any position on a ship with ease. He can navigate a ship as well as haul the proper rigging and tie the proper knots. James has never been given much authority on a ship and has never led a crew himself or done some of the more responsible jobs but those jobs which he has not done he knows how to do. Though he also knows that knowing and doing are two very different things.

James is strong. His life at sea tugging ropes, hauling rigging, carrying barrels has left him as strong as any sailor should be.

James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books.

James can see really well in the dark. Onboard a ship if you're sailing blind then you're in big trouble. So James has often found himself in the crows nest because of his ability to see long distances even by the dim torchlight aboard his vessel.

Weaknesses:
James is superstitious like most sailors, he can be either overly frightened because of sailors' yarns or overly confident bordering on foolhardy because of his desire for adventure and belief of these tales.

James is overly adventurous and curious, often getting himself into trouble because of his need to satisfy his curiosity.

James is very impatient, if something isn’t happening as fast as he would like it to he’ll often get irritable. The exception being that he is not impatient for voyages or adventures to end or for destinations to arrive.

James has a sharp tongue and can often talk his way into trouble with a smart remark. And for once James is not quick…to apologize.
 
James knows nothing of inland routes. Having been raised on the sea James has never needed to go far inland and because of this, all he knows about roads and trails inland are only versions talked about by villagers on land, normally in fishing villages.

James is very confused around women. As James grew up onboard a ship with a male captain and a nearly all man crew, as well as being a teenager he is very curious about women. He knows very little about them aside from some of them might gut you. He's had many bad experiences with the one woman onboard crew with the pirates. James has no idea how to act and often comes across as just plain stupid around women. Women amaze and confuse him more than almost anything else. He holds no delusions of what they are capable of (i.e. stabbing you in the back or in the front, with a knife) but is all the more confused when one appears kind. I'd be interested to hear more about this one pirate woman in the History section, just to help flesh this character out a little.

James is scared of horses. James is rarely on land for long periods of time so large, land creatures make him curious and more than a little wary. James is scared of horses in particular, as they are large animals with strong legs and teeth that could easily step on and kill you. Since he spends most of his time at sea, how is this a weakness?

James fears large fires. Because he has spent his life on sea there normally aren't big fires, and if there are then there's normally trouble. Fire makes him careful if it's much bigger than a torch, and given his reputation for looking before he leaps, being careful means he's more than a little scared.


History: James was born to a family made up of a fisherman and his wife, who lived on the coast of the Adanian Sea, near Ciosa. From his father he learned how to sail and guide a ship, as well as swim, at an early age. James loved his life of the sea and took to it right away. By age five he knew everything there was to know about the small fishing vessel his father used, though he was too small to sail it himself. He just seemed to absorb any information about the sea and anything having to do with it. James loved his parents and his life but always seemed to be getting into trouble. He often wandered off alone, leaving his mother quite concerned as to where he was, but he would always return after a day of mischief and adventuring. The neighbors would often find, after these excursions, knots would appear in their fishing nets as if someone was practicing tying, as well as some fish or shells discovered on their doorsteps.

When James was 6, he was kidnapped by pirates who killed his parents and sold him to be a slave aboard a ship. we don't really have actual slavery in Santharia. He could have been kidnapped by this Captain Gwinn himself, who saw the use of some cheap labour, without him actually being a slave? (though little better of course) The captain he was sold to was named Captain Gwinn, a dreaded marauder of the coasts. James spent most of his life aboard the ship. Life as a slave, at first was grueling, hard work with its fair share of beatings and forced labor, but soon the captain came to realize James’ abilities and knowledge of the seas. Quickly, James became more than just a slave for cheap labor, and he became more of Gwinn's favorite pet. As he grew he came to be part of the crew and not just a slave boy. He learned how to use the whip from the different members of the crew and became quite skilled he also learned more about a life at sea and how all the different jobs work. His years at sea made him strong and kept him in shape but due to his teenage years his is a very scrawny person but as he is still a teenager, he is scrawny compared to his fellow sailors. You say the same thing twice here :)

Yet despite all his good treatment James knew he was still just a glorified slave and would never truly be free. So after turning sixteen, when the crew had landed under false colors, to replenish supplies and do a little shady business, James secretly jumped ship and joined another crew. Since then he has traveled with many different crews, on multiple different voyages always seeking adventure and on the run from his former master. Captain Gwinn has been searching for James ever since he ran. In just one year he joins several different ships? Considering that ship travels usually last at least a couple of months, if not more than a year, in medieval times, I'd keep it to at the most two different crews/ships, or have him be a little bit older.

Weapons: James fights with a Hrkje Whip that he made himself, for his 12th birthday, which carries with him at all times as sash around him. James also carries a sling, which was a gift from his father when he was a boy, that he ties around his neck so it appears to be a necklace. Making weapons isn't at all an easy thing to do, and weaponmakers  usually spend years learning how to make good weapons. How did a 12-year-old manage to make a whip? This is something that would need to be addressed in the History section.

Belongings: James does not carry many belongings with him, as he owns very little. He does have a small pouch in which he carries a few coins at all times, he also has a bracelet that belonged to his mother that he wears.


There. I hope I helped a little bit :) Please change your icon to the pencil until you have addressed these comments :)


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Malexia Vendu on July 29, 2010, 06:05:25 AM
Changed to Pencil


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on August 04, 2010, 07:22:52 AM
When I wrote the weakness about women. I intended the comment about the woman to be a bit of a joke. I'm not fully sure what her story would be. Though I have one idea. Those familiar with the story of Joseph from the Bible would think of the part about Potiphar's wife. Where she tries to seduce Joseph, he refuses and runs away, but later she blames Joseph for attempting to rape her and Potiphar has him thrown in prison. Though I feel that would corrupt the character of James a little and give Gwinn less incentive to go after him.

Any other sort of interactions you could think of would be appreciated.

Also in the way of slavery, would James still be considered/called a slave, just not sold as one? Or would that still be more than Santharia has?

EDIT: In reference to the comment of the whip, I was under the impression that that kind of whip was merely a piece of rope with a few strategically placed knots and in no way difficult to design or create if you knew the proper knots.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Irid alMenie on August 04, 2010, 02:25:17 PM
Re: slavery, I'd say more the other way around, he might be 'sold' (though they wouldn't call it that) but they wouldn't call him a slave.

Re: the woman, I'll think about that and get back to you when I have more time ;)

Re: the whip, sorry, that was me not doing my research properly. However, in that case it'd still be nice to read in the history how he learned the correct knots to make his own whip :)


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on August 05, 2010, 09:29:44 AM
What would be the most accurate way to refer to him instead of slave? Indentured servant, Forced labor, cheap work, or something else I can't think of right now?

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

I'll be sure to add something.

EDIT: I did a bunch of shuffling of the personality section and added a little. It now goes more that James will act like the seaworn pirate to strangers but anyone who takes time to get to know him will find he is a much kinder person.

I don't want to add all the changes just yet until I've addressed all the comments. Please feel free to give advice on anything anyway.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on August 06, 2010, 05:38:53 AM
I believe what she meant is that they merely call him by name, not that he has any title. For formalities sake I guess it would be best for you yourself to think of him as an indentured servant.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on August 06, 2010, 08:40:58 AM
I have touched on all the comments except for those pertaining to the woman. I'll have something on that eventually. In the meantime please give your comments.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Leif Terskun on August 06, 2010, 05:05:54 PM
Hey James!

Good to see that you are getting some good comments here. Just to clarify, the Hrkje uses knots that all sailors would be familiar with anyway, and it would be pretty hard for James not to know how to make one. The original whop (according to legend) was a piece of rigging that had been slashed, and all sailors know how to tie the strong knots used for such a vital part of the ship. The central knot is that same knot still (see here (http://www.santharia.com/weapons/hrkje_whip.htm#Origin/History)).

On a style note, it might be nice to describe James's fighting style. Does he use the more subtle methods of disarming or batter his opponent with the heavy knot? Will he throw his enemies with a quick flick of the ropes, or shatter their weapons and throw them overboard? There are many different ways of using the Hrkje, just as there are different styles with swords. Or does he flick at the face with the small knots before striking a powerful blow with his fist into the unprotected gut?

Otherwise, that's all from me.

Leif


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on March 18, 2011, 06:54:16 AM
I've just added a spot about women. It's not spectacular but it will do for now. If I need to I can go back and revise it. I believe I have all the edits in. I fixed a few punctuation and grammatical errors as well. Please any feedback at all is appreciated.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Irid alMenie on March 18, 2011, 08:54:04 PM
Hi James,

Just a few pointers from my side:

Quote
It's a thin shield though, and anyone who talks to him for a length of time, civilly, for a length of time will see what he’s truly like.

you have "for a length of time" twice.

Quote
James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors.

How well/far can he swim?

Quote
James can also use a sling with some proficiency and has decent accuracy from up to 12 peds away.
From 12 peds or up to 12 peds? Quite a difference in the meaning there :)

Quote
James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books.
When did he learn to read? Was this something captain Gwinn taught his favourite pet?

Quote
James can see really well in the dark. Onboard a ship if you're sailing blind then you're in big trouble. So James has often found himself in the crows nest because of his ability to see long distances, even by the dim torchlight aboard his vessel.
Most ships also wouldn't sail in the night. Pirates, furthermore, have a tendency to stay close to the shore, striking out to a likely target and then returning, as they don't have the room to store provisions for long times out at sea. If I were you, I'd change this strength to him seeing long distances well, just not in the dark :)

Quote
When James was 6, he was kidnapped by pirates, who killed his parents, and kept him to be forced labor aboard a ship.
I think 6 would be pretty young to get kidnapped. I think those pirates would have more trouble than use from him. Perhaps you could change this to when he's 10 or 11, when he's useful to them to climb up in the rigging without falling out?

Lastly, I'd like to read in his history when he got the tattoo done and why that design. I'd think in the life of a 17-year-old that would be a pretty big thing.

I hope this helped and that you get approved soon :)


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on March 19, 2011, 10:13:42 AM
Just give me a prod when you're done integrating these most recent comments. I felt ready to give you an approval even before Irid brought up the swimming and the tattoo, so we should be peachy keen by the time you're done.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on March 21, 2011, 06:49:03 AM
When it comes to his age of kidnapping, I don't want to raise his age too much because I want him to be raised more by the pirates than his own parents, but I have raised it. I hope my adjustments work properly. Please give me your feed back. Thank you.

Alexandre, I'll PM you.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Alexandre Scriabin on March 21, 2011, 11:56:32 AM
You've got your first approval. And if no one's around to help in the next few days, I'll poke some shoulders for you.  :thumbup:


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Tervild Jorek on March 22, 2011, 07:31:04 AM
Hello James, as a fellow Avennorian player I think I can definitely help in getting your CD approved. I'll be giving you your comments in light blue and corrections in dodger blue.

Firstly the color that you have used for your headers is very dark and is hard to read against the color of the board. Please choose a brighter color just to allow us a better visual.

Name: James Seabird

Gender: Male

Age:17

Race: Human

Tribe: Avennorian

Occupation: Deckhand

Title: The Runaway Pirate

Hair color: Wavy Eophran Brown Hair

Eye Color: Baveras eye Please capitalize the "e" in the word "eye" just to create a better paralleled visual for your readers.

Height: one ped, two fores, 1 palmspan and 3 nailbreadths Here you have used both actual numerals and then you spelled some numbers please change it to one of the two. Also in the weight section you have capitalized the units of measure. I would suggest doing this for the units used for the height as well.

Weight: 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 2 Ods, and 4 Mut

Physical Appearance:Here you should start a new paragraph. As you have finally written something that is more than a single sentence this will put a greater emphasis on the paragraphs follow the heading. Just a suggestion James is tanned from constant sun exposure on the deck of a ship, he has a lanky build, and he’s flexible, yet strong as any sailor should be. He has sharp features and an intelligent face. He has a bright smile placed in a sun kissed face.<--- In this sentence you need to watch your tense so please adjust this to fit with the rest of your writing. He also bears a tattoo of a gull, wings spread, on the back of his left hand near his wrist. On his back are scars from when he was beaten and whipped as a slave.

Clothing: His clothing is simple; it’s made of cheap material and is made for maneuverability. It bears many signs of being worn on the sea. He has a pair of boots that have a hollowed out watertight heel, in which he stores his money and other belongings. He's worn gloves with the fingers cut off ever since he ran away from pirates to hide his tattoo. Again the tense here is weird. There is also a space after this last sentence please remove it.

Personality: James is mentally strong and clever young man, who likes an adventurous seawardI believe the word here is "seafaring" but as you please it life. He tries to act like he's several years older than he is, pretending to be a sea worn sailor with a cruel mind and temper, and pretends that he doesn't care about anyone but himself, but often his true colors shine through.<--- This sentence is an ENORMOUS run-on please shorten it or break it down into more manageable sentences. It's a thin shield though, and anyone who talks to him, civilly, for a length of time will see what he’s truly like. He's quick on his feet and has a bright personality beneath the façade, those who take time to get to know him, normally, easily take a liking to him. <--- This sentence is kind of confusing and could do with some more clarification. Just a thought. He has no real desire for treasure or material goods but instead looks for adventure. He has more heart than he is normally willing to show to anyone. He puts the well being of others over his own, discreetly, so people will believe him to be tougher than he really is. He is a good actor and that's why he's still alive, despite the different crews he's "he has" worked with.  He doesn't like people who don't pull their weight, as he's been forced to do all his life, but he is sympathetic to those who can't pull much weight at all, i.e. children, the elderly, sick or wounded people. If your not doing your fair share then he's scathing and rude with his comments. He's good at delegating work fairly among groups of people. 

Again there are several spaces at the end of this paragraph so please remove them. Overall a very nice description of his personality. One last thing, this is a very large paragraph and should be broken down just to make it easier to read.

Strengths:
James is fast. In the rigging, on the ground, in the water, climbing up and down he moves as fast as possible. His speed is part of what keeps him alive in a fight. He can maneuver the rigging of any ship with great ease, seeming more to fly than to climb, which is where he got his name. Just a note, does this also apply to when he is on land?

James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors, he is capable of swimming for up to an hour. <--- I don't see how this could be true as people who can't swim are unlikely to get into such a dangerous line of work in which you could fall into the water at anytime.

James is well versed in using the Hrkje Whip. He learned the basics when he sailed with pirates. It seemed I don't think this is possible. Either the skills cam easily to him, or they didn't there is no in betweens about it. to come naturally to him and he became quite good using it to disarm and incapacitate crews being raided. Since then he has become even better with the weapon through seeing and working with others who use it in other crews as well as a lot of practice. Again this last sentence is kind of confusing and could do with some clarification.

James can also use a sling with some proficiency and has decent accuracy from 12 peds away.

James has a bright personality that makes him quite likable after one gets to know him and he gets along well with others. He's a team player. He's learned from experience, if you don't act as a team on a ship then you won't be acting as anything for long.

James has a large amount of nautical knowledge and can manage almost any position on a ship with ease. Having spent his whole life at sea and having been raised by pirates, who taught him almost all he knows,You should end the sentence here. he can navigate a ship, as well as haul the proper rigging and tie the proper knots. James has never been given much authority on a ship, has never led a crew himself or done some of the more responsible jobs, but those jobs which he has not done he still knows how to do. Though he also is aware that knowing how to do them and actually doing them are two very different things.

James is strong. His life at sea tugging ropes, hauling rigging, carrying barrels has left him as strong as any sailor should be.

James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books. Captain Gwinn taught him to read among many other things about sailing.

James has really good eyesight. Onboard a ship if you're sailing blind or if you cant see your quarry, then you're in big trouble, either with the sea herself or with the captain. <--- This sentence is awkward and needs adjusting. SoNever start a sentence with the word "so". James has often found himself in the crows nest because of his ability to see long distances, even by the dim torchlight aboard his vessel.

Weaknesses:
James is superstitious like most sailors, he can be either overly frightened because of sailors' yarns or overly confident bordering on foolhardy because of his desire for adventure and belief of these tales. This is another run-on sentence and needs adjusting

James is overly adventurous and curious, often getting himself into trouble because of his need to satisfy his curiosity.

James is very impatient, if something isn't happening as fast as he would like it to he'll often get irritable. The exception being that he is not impatient for voyages or adventures to end or for destinations to arrive.

James has a sharp tongue and can often talk his way into trouble with a smart remark. And for once James is not quick…to apologize. This is something that I again feel is very awkward, please make adjustments so that the writing flows more completely.
 
James knows nothing of inland routes. Having been raised on the sea James has never needed to go far inland and because of this, all he knows about roads and trails inland are only versions talked about by villagers on land, normally in fishing villages. You do not need that last part to your finally sentence as it confuses the original thought.

James is very confused around women. As James grew up onboard a ship with a male captain and a nearly all man crew Then wouldn't that mean that he did spend time around women?, as well as being a teenager he is very curious about women. He knows very little about them aside from some of them might gut you. <--- This sentence is awkward, please re-read and edit. He's had many bad experiences with the one woman onboard crew with the pirates. Again this sentence doesn't flow very well and should be changed. James has no idea how to act and often comes across as just plain stupid around women. Women amaze and confuse him more than almost anything else. He holds no delusions of what they are capable of (i.e. stabbing you in the back, or in the front, with a knife) but is all the more confused when one appears kind.

James is scared of horses and other large creatures. James is rarely on land for long periods of time, so large, land creatures make him curious and more than a little wary. James is scared of horses in particular, as they are large animals with strong legs and teeth that could easily step on, and kill you. This last sentence is unclear.

James fears large fires. Because he has spent his life on sea there normally aren't big fires, and if there are then there's normally trouble. Fire makes him careful if it's much bigger than a torch, and given his reputation for leaping before he looks, being careful means he's more than a little scared. This entire paragraph is difficult to understand. Can you please clarify the sentences so that readers can understand better what you are getting at.

Overall I think you've written a very pleasant CD. I think you'll be getting your second approval very soon, so good luck with writing your CD. :)


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on March 23, 2011, 06:45:52 AM
I've made most of edits indicated. I haven't highlighted them as most of them were grammatical in nature. As per the swimming, most sailors did not know how to swim in the standard time period. I have previously posted my rationale if you'd care for what I believe the explanation is.
Thank you for your comments.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Irid alMenie on March 23, 2011, 04:23:42 PM
It's true what James says, it's a surprisingly uncommon thing among sailors in the sort of time period we're writing to be able to swim. If you were good enough a sailor, you wouldn't fall overboard, and if you did (because of a wave or whatever) the chances of keeping up with the ship to get hauled back on board are very slim, especially if there's a strong wind in the sails. So in that case you were done for anyway :) So that's a valid strength.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Leif Terskun on March 23, 2011, 04:35:16 PM
For what it's worth by now, Irid and James have it right. Swimming was uncommon among sailors; they tended to fear the sea and the idea of going in it? That's the reason for the big floating wooden thing...


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on March 25, 2011, 05:39:54 AM
Thank you for your support and advice. Its greatly appreciated.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Malexia Vendu on April 06, 2011, 10:05:30 PM
Hi James! Have you made your corrections? If so, I can give a second approval here.  :pet:


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on April 09, 2011, 07:10:25 AM
Thankyou very much. I appreciate everyones help. I hope its ok if I put the correct symbol on the overall thread I think I'm up to icon 5. I believe that now that I have two approvals all I need is to be titled by an administrator. Is that correct?


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on April 09, 2011, 05:10:45 PM
James, I think that Malexia asked if you had made your changes, and that if you had she would give you a second approval. You didn't seem to answer that question, but instead just went ahead and changed the icon.

Please only use icons 1 and 2, and leave the other icons to the moderators and administrators. It cuts down on the confusion if only those of us with yellow and red lines do things like that. :D It means that we aren't trying to track down if CDs have one or two approvals and so forth. For now, I've moved your icon back to the first approval, which is the correct one until you've confirmed you've made your changes. Please answer Malexia's question, and then I'm sure Malexia will happily give you a 2nd approval. After that one of us administrators will title you and archive your character.

EDIT: And ... how can we possibly know if you've made the changes that you've been asked to make? Apart from your headings, it is all the same colour. We always ask that people colour their changes (it is even asked for in the guide to character creations) ... then one of the people giving an approval or title asks that the editing colours are removed. It ultimately makes the lives of all of us as easy as possible.

Regards,

Dek


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: James Seabird on April 12, 2011, 06:29:31 AM
I'm very sorry. I misunderstood. Yes, I have made all the indicated corrections. Practically all the changes that I made were grammatical in nature so I didn't bother to highlight them as any correcting I did was either adding punctuation deleting excess words. I did not mean to jump ahead and I apologize.


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on April 13, 2011, 05:32:55 AM
Thank you for clarifying that, James. I've read through your CD, and I'm satisfied with all parts of it, nothing in it jumps out at me as being a problem, and so I'm going to give you a second approval. Congratulations. I'll see about getting you titled and archived (as you have no editting colours to remove and you can join a story). Thank you for your patience with us, and your cooperation.

Dek


Title: Re: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on April 13, 2011, 05:40:22 AM
And I worked out how to title you, James! Go me ... YAY! You are free to join a story now :D