Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Xun Darkwoe on April 16, 2006, 12:49:23 PM



Title: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 16, 2006, 12:49:23 PM
Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Height: 2 peds
Weight: 229 ods
Eye color: Dark blue
Hair color: Jet black
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Hunter of Thorns

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 229 ods. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair is thick and pure black, reaching jet black. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together shows the insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. He has one scar on his right shoulder. He has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek.

Clothes: He wears a black tunic with black trousers. He also has a grey sash that weaves through the trousers. He has a black cloak, the buttons having the colour silver. He has plate armour over the tunic with a plated belt, the plated belt aving the words in in elven letters, "The Chosen One." When he got this armour the letters made him feel better. He also has leather boots made from deerskin.

Personality: A polite and calm person. He is usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he is having a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern.  He is friendly, yet does not seem like it. most people hate him or are afraid of him because of being Eophyrhim. He is very loyal to his few friends and almost never leaves them. When he gets a job, he finishes it, never just leaving it unfinished.

Strengths/Weaknesses

Strengths:

Intellient and Witty: He is very smart and can get out of trouble. He can think of ways to get out of traps, and figure out ways to do other things.

Scimitar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can as fight as a well trained soldier, but not quite as good as a knight. He can also emit poison with his weapons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow yet can improve. He is quite accurate, however, and can sometimes hit an enemy 35 peds away.

Poison Creation: He is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He can run very far. He can run about 8 strals with only a small 30 second break if he needs to.

Fast: He is very fast and can run about 14 strals per hour.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes. The Bright lights irritate him so he cannot see well. This is a severe weakness as he can be blinded during a task.

People: Most other Eophyrhim people don't like Xun because he is... different then most Eophyrhims, and pick on him. This gets him angry and he will attack them.

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy and destroy things wherever he is at, because of loneliness. He can withstand people, but this can  still get him into trouble. He is provoked into this by sadness, of the death of his mother, and goes into rage.

Stubborn: He is very stubborn, and sometimes does not obey anybody. This can make other people mad.

Herb Need Due to his sickness, he needs special herbs to control himself. Without them, he will go crazy.

History:    

Xun Darkwoe was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair, as it is common in the Eophyrhim tribe. He grew very fond of his mother because his father had died before he was born. Killed by his hound, his mother said. He talked to his mother a lot. They had a good life for his mother was some what wealthy and therefore they could afford a home in a nice tree, close to the ground, however, not that close. There was only one problem. Xun needed medical attention for odd ocasions in which he was sad for no reason, and if there was a reason, he went crazy. But this was fixed by special herbs that his mother bought. He had lots of fun, however, that changed.

One day, when he was 93, still young, Xun had entered his tree when he had seen a note on the low table. He took the note, sat on the table, and started reading.

Dear Xun,
                I hope this won't be too troubling, but I have to leave the forest. I have had some great times with you, and i bet you did, too. However, I have had more bad times and therefore I am going to end my life outside the forest. I will no longer bother you. Take my belongings and have a great life.


Xun could not understand. What bad times? Why? When did she write the note? Was is too late? He did not know, but he was going to find out. Xun started to go out of his tree when he noticed that his mothers dagger and scimitar was still there. He was confused, how could she kill herself? He thought that she might have taken one of his weapons by accident. Xun started to run through the forest.

Xun ran out of the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? He found her lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. He looked at her and with one glance, he knew she was dead. He turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different than most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in sight. He studied the wound more carefully.

They were armblade wounds! But how? Xun had no armblades, though he did know what such wounds looked like. He only had a scimitar and a bow, no armblades. No weapons, armblade wounds, it matched up. She hadn't killed herself, but  was killed by someone else. But who? And she had written the note, so how? All was still very confusing. He went back to his tree to think.

He entered his tree and sat down on the stool. He was thinking hard. He still couldn't figure it out. Who had killed her was the big question.

After a long time thinking, he stopped and started thinking about himself. How could he live?

He had not many friends and no desire to see them now in his misery. He didnt know, what to do for several days, but finally made up his mind. He decided to live the same way, just without his mother. Life wasnt as comfortable than before, but he hunted his food and bought, what else he needed from others. So life went on till he was 128.

When he was 128, he had lost all of the money due to the special herbs. He really needed them, or else... what would he do?probably kill himself. He was still a hunter, getting a decent pay, but he was poor because of the herbs. He had buried his mother and went to the grave every day. He had a sad life. He decided to do something else.

He had entered another house early at day, when the tribe was asleep, and took some money from another Eophyrhim elf. But, this is wrong, he thought again. he put the money back and left.

He was still kind of low on money when he was 156, because he had to spend all of his pay on medicene and food. He had barely enough to buy the few goods he needed with which the forest could   provide him, but he could still live his life. He still didn't know what to do. He was low on money, stealing was wrong, what?Taking the last of his money, he left the forest to go someplace else. Maybe he could find a job as mercenary.

He wandered from place to place in Mid Santharia, living from the land, to unveal the mystery which surrounded his parents, but as an Eophyrhim he was nowhere welcome. So, meanwhile without any money left, he went back to the Palaelon.

He was 161 when he got back, and was still poor, for the life of a mercenary had not sited him. He had nothing left to do. he stayed there until someone came.

Someone entered the tree and said hello to Xun. "Who are you?" asked Xun. He looked strange - was it an elf at all?. "Someone," the man replied. Obviously he was a silent man. "I knew of your mother, here, though it is long ago that death came to her" the man laid down a sack on the table and left.

Who was that man? Well, he would figure out later. He looked in the sack. It was full of money! But who gave it to him? And why? Well, anyways, he had a lot of money now, and could live his life.

However, he was still sad, However. His mother was already long dead. and he still didn't know who killed her. It could have been a human, and be dead already, or it could've been a elf, and still be alive. either way, he wanted to know. He set out in the forest to find out.

First off, he knew she was killed by armblades, so who had those? Only a few people in his tribe. This was getting him to nowhere, but he still wanted to find out.

He gave up when he was 182, but sadness drove him to looking some more at 193. He was losing the money, but still had quite a bit. He set out of the forest again to search for the killer because he had no success in the forest, when he was 207. He is now still looking for the killer and is 212.

Weapons: A scimitar and a bow.

belongings:

A poison bottle.
A scimitar and scabbard.
A bow and quiver of arrows.
A silver ring from his mother.
A silver necklace from his father.
An armour set.
A silver Clasp aound his neck.
A silver Bracelet on his wrist.

familiars: He was going to get a hound, but when he heard of how his father died, he decided not.

Misc:
Xun talks in blue.
Xun thinks in lime.
Xun does actions in red.                                                          
 

Edited by: Kalina Merenwen at: 5/19/06 21:26


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 16, 2006, 01:50:23 PM
hello,

i am now awaiting replies for my new character (by the way this is my second and last account) Please tell me if you find anything wrong.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 16, 2006, 02:42:23 PM
Hi and welcome.

As far as I know, you can't play as light or dark elves, because they are extremly strong. Have you read the bane?, see that post first and then chose a tribe and all that.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 16, 2006, 02:47:23 PM
nope, i checked, i can play them.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 16, 2006, 01:49:23 PM
Many thanks for the invitation, Xun. I'm no moderator, and I certainly don't know how to comment on CD's, but I'll try my best.
First: Please check your grammar and spelling in your history,personality, etc. , because moderators want a well written CD for your character, and I think you would want a well written CD for your character too.
Second: You have to explain in the history section why he hates things like this and loves things like that. It will help expand your history and at the same time get you closer to being accepted. :biggrin  
Third: I don't know about the age, but if you checked it using the Elf Age Caculator found in Lady Araerwen's signature, I will have no comments about it.
Fourth: The sentence "takes permission of drinking the blood of its victims" Please elaborate it as I can't understand it.
The sentence "can hit an enemy from ways away" Please check it.
Fifth: Please spend some time with your CD. Its great for a start, of course, but it needs some furnishing.
Sixth: Whenever you need some advice, just message me. Though I am just a beginner, I'll try and help you. Try posting a message here, somebody will help you. count on it. :biggrin  
Seventh: Have a nice day. :fish  

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/16/06 5:56


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 16, 2006, 02:54:23 PM
thank you very much, thorgas, it was a great help. i will message you later so you can check when i'm done fixing my mistakes.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 16, 2006, 03:07:23 PM
Sure you checked the baned section??? I found thi in it
Quote:
Blood Eye Cult

I suggest you cange it, unless a mod or admin had told you that you can use the blood eye cult.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 16, 2006, 02:27:23 PM
Again, thank you for the offer. We newbies must stick together eh?
First: look at the comment Lady Miesefer pointed out. Banned characters are not allowed to be played in Santharia, though it will be used by the story moderator for some stories.
Second: Please check your grammar and spelling thoroughly.
For example the sentence: "white can be hurtful(painful) to his eyes"
"he comes from a tribe of blood eye elves and was born by a beautiful lady." please elaborate this.
Third: Blood eyed elves, I believe, are not a tribe, but a cult. Then again, I could be wrong about it.
Fourth: look at the physical descriptions of the cult, and compare it with yours. There should be a similarity between them.
Fifth: Examine your history, correct any mistakes, as moderators will do a careful reading on this.
Sixth: Use paragraphs and spaces after each to make reading easier for people, specially people with eyeglasses. 8o  
Seventh: Explain why he ended up in a situation and why does he do these things. it will help lengthen your CD. :nod  
Eighth: Try asking for help from the elves around here. :biggrin  
Ninth: i might have overlooked something, but as I said, I'm not good at commenting. :nod  
Tenth: Have a nice day. :fish  

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/16/06 6:50


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Dagon Fai Ur on April 16, 2006, 03:45:23 PM
Just a quick comment: Thorgas you're right about the Blood Eye Cult... since they are a cult of mainly elves, they cannot be used as a tribe. Secondly, they cannot be played as already stated... they are banned. Yes, I was disappointed too.

-*Dagon Fai'Ur*-

Forgotten One
Reborn in the Light



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 16, 2006, 06:15:23 PM
thanks for the info, i just changed my character a lot!:thumbup  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 16, 2006, 07:36:23 PM
Dandin, what about finishing your other char first?

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 16, 2006, 07:45:23 PM
Ale? I'll drink every last keg in the tavern if it's on you! :biggrin
Well, I'm no moderator, and I'm not good with comments (You must have memorized this already :biggrin ) But I'll try my best.
First: Check your spelling and grammar. I've noticed some corrections like, "color instead of 'coler', appearance instead of 'appearence''" and so on. They have some impact on our moderators here.
In the history section: he comes from a tribe of eophyrhim dark elves and was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair.
To arrange the sentence, you can say " He is the son of a beautiful lady with long black hair, from the eophyrhim tribe" or something like that.
Second: Read about the eophyrhim dark elves and their personality and way of living etc. and compare it with your elf. There should be some similarity.
Third: An occupation is something that your character does to earn money. Since he is a wanderer, you could say that he is a mercenary for hire, bounty hunter, assassin, etc. Otherwise, how can you buy me a drink? :biggrin
Fourth: Arrange you history in paragraph order , use capital letters and fix your sentences for easier reading. The moderators will examine this carefully.
Fifth: It looks good, as always. I'll read your history after you finished editing it.
Sixth: Don't be afraid to ask your fellow elves about this matter; they would help you. Count on it. :biggrin
Seventh: If you are going to edit your CD, use the comments as a guide, it will make your editing easier, I know from experience.:lol
Eighth: I'm looking forward to adventuring with you lad, but don't stab me because I'm a mage. :biggrin
Ninth: Have a nice day. :fish



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 17, 2006, 02:03:23 AM
Thorgas... I'm not a lady:fish  

Good job, still a grammar and spelling revition would be good, even me noted the spelling, that's bad:lol  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Marvin Cerambit on April 17, 2006, 02:45:23 AM
Orril: that's what you get for using a prissy manga/anime avatar :p

Anyway, quick question: can your other tread be removed?

Oh, and there's a free online spell checker in my sig in case you didn't have word or equivalent.

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

Need help with your new Character?
~> Click Here <~



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 03:05:23 AM
thank you, guys, i'll fix the things. odd... i'm usually good with spelling. maybe because i'm going to fast.:idea  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 03:41:23 AM
Quote:
even me noticed that.


Orill, you di it wrong. even I noticed that.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 17, 2006, 06:39:23 AM
See, if I noted your spellings is really bad:D  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 06:41:23 AM
i kinda agree
:explode .



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Brighid McLir on April 17, 2006, 07:08:23 AM
I'm not a mod either, nor a titled character, but...
*twitches*
Your phrasing needs fixing. It's driving me nuts.

Ex~ ...can kill an enemy with maybe one hit ....
I understand you're using aproximates, but the phrasing is akward, and makes for a twitchy read.

Ex~...hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes...
Flowery or not? Make up thy mind, elf. You dance around, back and forth, from flowery and confident, to tentative and choppy.
Not that I can say anything about being choppy, as my CD was choppier then yours until recently, but still...

Ex~...He was born from a lady in the eophyrhim tribe,....
I didn't know he was born from a lady, I thought he was born from a gentleman, or possibly a hermaphordite.
Sorry, I couldn't pass up the oppertunity to tease you about that...

You might want to run this puppy through a spell check on your word processor or something, and make sure you capitalize things, por favor,



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 08:01:23 AM
thank you, i will fix my mistakes as soon as possible. ach, could you stick around and comment some more? i really need help. i signed up yesterday, and i am not really sure about some of this stuff.:smile  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Brighid McLir on April 17, 2006, 09:52:23 AM
*grins* I've only been on for less then a week, either.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 09:58:23 AM
grreeaaattt... that's nice to know. i'm getting commented by a complete newbie. sorry just kidding. couldn't pass that off *grins and pats brighid on the back*



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on April 17, 2006, 09:32:23 AM
@ Marv.: Xun gave me permission to delete his other thread and I did so.

@Xun: Welcome to Santharia! Thanks for the ezmails, as I have stated before "They really help me organize who needs my help." I am kinda flighty so thank you for your patience. My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange. My own humble opinions, ideas or just general blabberings will be in: Red

Name: Xun Darkwoe Darkwoe is not very elven, possibly it is a nickname given him by others?
Gender:Male
age:212
Race:Elf
tribe:Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
title: dark wanderer

detailed description,
physical appearance: approx. 2 peds tall. kind of muscular. pretty strong and good with scimatars, archery, and arm blades.Good with his weapons is not de*****ive of how he appears. hair color is black with blue streaks. eye color is dark blue. a jagged scar runs across on eye and he has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder. Describing his weapons and where they are worn upon him would add a bit more depth here IMHO.

clothes: a dark black robe with a grey sash, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with red fur. a dark pair of trousers covered up by the robe.

personality: a polite, calm, and peacful person who hates orcs for a good reason.usually silent yet talks on several occasions. usually takes money but sometimes take jobs for free.

tribe:eophyrhim dark elves<-- You have his tribe listed above, therefore this is not needed.

strengths/weaknesses
strengths: good with scimatars and can kill an enemy sometimes in one hit because of poison. good with arm blades and good with blending into dark shadows and attacking from behind. also good with a bow and can hit an enemy from a ways away. You have him good with three seperate weapons, odds are that he could not be so well trained in this many weapons. Good with the scimitar and the armblades with only being a fair archer seems more probable. As for the poisons .... does he make them and if not, where is it that he gets them. Mentioning this in his history would be helpful.

weaknesses: he hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. if somebody is a mage and uses light magic, There is no such thing as "Light Magic", only magic that creates light. Like fire and such. it can hurt Xun badly. is not good when fighting another elf. he can be hurt by someone who attacks by a long lance, which he is not good defending against. he is not good at defending himself, which is why he comes from behind. Not knowing how to fight or weaknesses in a fighting skill are not considered weaknesses. As most people have no idea how to fight. Therefore none of the blue section is a weakness. You will need a few more weaknesses to balance out all the fighting skills you have.

history: He was born from a lady in the eophyrhim tribe, who had long black hair. He was unusually smart for a elf. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by Orcs that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw the corpses of the tribe and all the trees were burnt. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the Orcs. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors. He found some Orcs and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the Orcs without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his eye. When he was 112 he started to use his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He goes north into the forest some more, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire. He had to resort to attacking humans to eat, yet he had trouble killing them. He finally went farther away where there were more animals. He got some more food from dear. When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves. He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to look some more for his tribe. He was not sucessful. He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. The humans saw him and took to arms to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2 humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight good. He was 142 when Orcs found him and took him prisoner. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food. He was 149 when he learned of the Iferhem elves nearby and decided to go there. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 159 and got into a fight with a mage. He had already poisoned the mage, but the mage still cast magic. Xun ran away and maintaned his distance between humans. He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and orcs attacked them and killed Xeon. He manged to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He was 178 when he wandered out of the forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food out of the deer running in the fields. He was 183 when humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming. He was 192 when he entered an Elven town and got new arrows for his bow. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed at the town for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest. Your history is what we call a brick. It needs to be seperated into paragraphs as reading one long continuous paragraph is hard on the eyes. Seperate it into paragraphs and I shall comment on it after you have made some of the edits I have mentioned.

Weapons: a scimatar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: because of the attack, he does not have much, he has a silver necklace from his mother. and a silver ring from his father.

familiars: alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. he has none.

I hope my comments have helped you, hopefully they head you into the right direction to becoming titled soon. If you have any questions please feel free to ask them here, as there are many people that are willling to help you. Or just send me ezmails with your questions and I shall do my best to help you.

~ Bows gracefully and departs~

(: :The first morning after acquiring her familiar, the mage awoke with fleabites and mange.: :)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 4/17/06 2:48


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 10:23:23 AM
thank you ever so much Twen. i read your character and she is:jawdrop  :jawdrop  :jawdrop   WAY better then mine. i can't think why you would not be a MOD. anyways, thank you very much for pointing out mistakes. i will fix them A.S.A.P. is it alright if i ezmail you again when i am finished so you can check it again, perhaps? you are really good and i want you to check again when i am finished.:biggrin  

Edited by: Xun Darkwoe at: 4/17/06 2:38


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Brighid McLir on April 17, 2006, 12:19:23 PM
*sticks tounge out at Xun*



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 17, 2006, 12:21:23 PM
what did i do? what did i not bow down? well here:worship  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 17, 2006, 08:41:23 PM
To Master Miesefer:
Oh,My apologies, Master Miesefer. Guess my eyes aren't what they used to be. 8o  

To Master Darkwoe:
How are things going friend? glad to know that you are doing well in your CD. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about mine. :noidea  
Once again thank you for inviting me to look at your CD. I'm no moderator, and certainly not good at making comments, but I'll try my best. (Try to memorize this phrase. :biggrin )
First: Try to correct the things that are pointed out by Lady McLir, Lady Araerwen, Master Miesefer, and Master Cerambit. It will help greatly in improving your CD. As the saying goes: " A bad weed will still grow unless you cut off the roots." simply saying, fix the root of the problem, and everything will go smooth. Count on it. ;)  
Second: Please fix the your spelling, grammar, and structure of your sentences, as it is difficult to understand your sentences. I might have overlooked something, but then again, I'm not good at commenting. :|  
Third: In your physical appearance, I noticed that you included your weapons and where they are located in your detailed descriptionn the physical appearance part. Please note that it is for your physical appearance; so it should include only your scars, eye color, hair color, hair style, eye shadowing, etc. You can describe your weapons in the Weapons section of your CD.
Fourth: I think all the comments I will give will be answered by the First comment. :)  
Fifth: Never forget that your fellow Elves here are ready to help their people in need, so try asking them questions. They'll help, count on it. :thumbup
Sixth: Again Master Miesefer, my apologies for the mistake.
Seventh: Never ask master Cerambit to sing in the Thirsty Herald. :nod
Eighth: have a nice day :fish  


Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/17/06 14:58


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 12:26:23 AM
Thank you, Master Ironforge. will look forward to speaking to you again.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 18, 2006, 01:06:23 AM
I comment and edit in lime

Name: Xun Darkwoe (Darkwoe is a nickname for he kept forgetting and his parents died so they could not tell them.) Shouldn't this just be in your history?  Look at my character.  He also recieved a nickname, but you can just add an explanation in your history
Gender:Male
Age:212
Race:Elf
Tribe:Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed De*****ion:
space

Physical Appearance: approximately 2 peds tall. He is kind of muscular. His hair is black with blue streaks. His eyes are dark blue. A jagged scar runs across on eye and he has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder. His bow is strung across his back and his quiver of arrows around his waist on the right side. his scimatar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. and his armblades are in leather pockets on his thighs.  You need to capitalize and use full sentences.  Reread this paragraph to look for grammar mistakes.

Clothes: Xun wears a dark black robe with a gray sash, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with red fur. a dark pair of trousers covered up by the robe.  (awkward sentence)

Personality: a polite, calm, and peacful person(you forget his is a dark elf.  they are more vicious then others) who hates orcs for a good reason(why).  Usually silent yet talks on several occasions. usually takes money but sometimes take jobs for free.  (make full sentences here as well)

strengths/weaknesses
space
strengths: good with scimatars and can kill an enemy sometimes in one hit because of poison. good with arm blades and good with blending into dark shadows and attacking from behind. However, he is not great with the bow and is still practicing with it. he is able to make the poison as almost all eophyrhim elves can.  (break this up into individual aspects of strenghts and weaknesses.  Try to provide a sentence or two de*****ion of each)

Weaknesses: he hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. if somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly. Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes(repetative.  you already said this), for it destroyed his home. He also is very interested with hunting, for he needs food for his wanderings. if a animal runs nearby, he stops thinking and tries to kill it.  (see above)

History: He was born from a lady in the Eophyrhim tribe, who had long black hair(as does everyone in his tribe...). He was unusually smart for a elf. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by Orcs that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw the corpses of the tribe and all the trees were burnt. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the Orcs. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors. (Confusing)

He found some Orcs and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the Orcs without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his eye.

When he was 112 he started to use his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He went north into the forest some more, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire. He had to resort to attacking humans to eat, yet he had trouble killing them. He finally went farther away where there were more animals. He got some more food from deer. (tenses.  You use like 80 tenses in this)

When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves(Most Elven tribes would be angered at him for taking the life of a beast without cause). He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to look some more for his tribe(huh). He was not sucessful.

He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. The humans saw him and took to arms to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2 humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight good.  (grammar.  And why would humans attack an elf on sight.  they had no good reason too unless they were fighting one of the tribes which I do not think is happening currently)

He was 142 when Orcs found him and took him prisoner. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food. (sounds more like human behavior.  I do not know much about orcs, but if they hated his tribe enough to slaughter them, why not just kill him?)

He was 149 when he learned of the Iferhem elves nearby and decided to go there. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 159 and got into a fight with a mage. He had already poisoned the mage, but the mage still cast magic. Xun ran away and maintaned his distance between humans(HUH?? that is really confusing and makes no sense.  First, elves heal extremely quickly.  Secondly, why would he avoid humans if he fough a battle with an Elven mage?).

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and orcs attacked them and killed Xeon  (there seem to be WAY to man y orc tribes wandering through random elven lands...). He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend(confusing). He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe.

He was 178 when he wandered out of the forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food out of the deer,  running in the fields.

He was 183 when humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.

He was 192 when he entered an Elven town and got new arrows for his bow. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed at the town for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.
(This seems just to be a battle log.  Did he do anything outsid of battle for 212 years?  Maybe he had a lover or tried to become a mage?)
Weapons: a scimatar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: because of the attack, he does not have much, he has a silver necklace from his mother. and a silver ring from his father. (mention these in his history)

familiars: alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. he has none.


I stoppped correcting your sentences an capitalization because there is so many mistakes and it was overwhelming.  Reread through the whole thing and try to add subjects to your sentences.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Brighid McLir on April 18, 2006, 01:36:23 AM
That was for the comment at the top of the page, wench. Not for not bowing to the mighty Brighid.
^^

I see that you still haven't fixed your phrasing and mistakes. I will beat you up if you don't fix it, duck.
Do I need to point them all out?

Edited by: Brighid McLir at: 4/17/06 17:39


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 18, 2006, 05:35:23 AM
Only one coment, ANY MAGE CAN HURT!!! wanna try??? Even wind magic can be very destructive, check in the dev section the Thieving Winds, and Cursed Winds to see what I am talking about.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 18, 2006, 05:40:23 AM
You forget Earth Magic. *glares at orril* Look at the dev board for the earth magic spells as well.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 05:46:23 AM
thank you orill, but what i meen, my lady, eerrr... sorry, is that he is even more affected by fire magic, though yes every mage hurts.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 18, 2006, 06:00:23 AM
*opening the eyes to return the glare to Drasil* I should know that this would happen, the only thing left is that Coren come arround and glares at me because I put as example my mad spells.

No problem Master Ironforge, eyes are eyes, and vision fades when you age.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 06:23:23 AM
by the way, i noticed you said that dark elves are more vicouis then others. Well, i looked them up and it says that they are respectable and noble. though, this is only the Eophyrhim
:read  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 18, 2006, 06:26:23 AM
Not always - for the most part yes. But you can always have your exceptions.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 06:41:23 AM
pardon me, Kalina, but it does say that the Eophyrhim tribe is very respectable, not to argue with you, my lady.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 18, 2006, 06:43:23 AM
I am not saying they are or they are not. I am simply saying there are always exceptions to behaviors. Even though they may be rare.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 06:47:23 AM
ahh yes. okay, yes there are exceptions, pardon me, but if you will, can you check my CD over and comment if there is anything wrong?



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 18, 2006, 06:49:23 AM
I will when I have time.

Aka - when at home and not at work. Most likely late tonight or tomorrow



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 06:50:23 AM
Thank you very much, my lady.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Huma Mager on April 18, 2006, 06:54:23 AM
Dear Xun,
  Sorry I haven't posted on your cd.Overall I think it is pretty good.
                                    Your friend,
                                   Huma Mager



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 07:05:23 AM
i have also read yours. thoguh i think a bit to much lances, he looks pretty good.:biggrin  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Huma Mager on April 18, 2006, 07:25:23 AM
My opinion not enough.But can't argue with the mods.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Brighid McLir on April 18, 2006, 11:52:23 AM
You could, but it wouldn't do you any good.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 18, 2006, 12:06:23 PM
... Did I missed something:\  One moment you're saying that any mage can hurt, then you're saying about tribe, then arguing with mods... What the ### have all that to do????

BTW, change the way you wrote the fire thing, you can do it in other way that looks more "respectable"..



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 12:44:23 PM
Quote:
did I missed something?


Orill, i know i was being bad with spelling, but i'm not that bad.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 18, 2006, 01:19:23 PM
ESL Xun.

Please be careful with such things as there are many whose English is not their first. This is a world-wide board. Please keep it respectful.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 01:42:23 PM
i am sorry Kalina.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 18, 2006, 12:48:23 PM
You asked me to comment I believe...so here I am. My comments in Orange.

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age:212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description:

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall. How much does he way? Kind of muscular. How can you be "kind of" muscular? Expand upon this and make it a complete sentence. Hair color is black with blue streaks. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across one eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder. Where did he get this? It is not common to have such a tattoo. His bow is strung across his back and his quiver of arrows around his waist on the right side. A quiver on your waist is unusual. Why about his waist and not his back? Your bow and quiver should both fit - was they were created to in that manner. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip, and his armblades are in leather pockets on his thighs. Armblades on your thighs????? They seem to be a bit off for your choice of race and tribe. Why do you have armblades? Do explain and add detail. So much could be expanded upon in this paragraph. His complexion? How long is his hair? Does his scabbard/bow/quiver have any decorations?

Clothes: He wears a dark black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist.  On his back, he wears a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with red fur. Why red fur? A dark pair of trousers are covered by the robe. What color are the trousers?

Personality: A polite, calm, and peacful person who hates orcs for a good reason. Hmm. This doesn't make sense from how you described him. This could be added upon drastically. Tell us about him, what he is like. Take us inside of him. Why does he hate orcs? They are fairly civilized in this world and are not as barbariac as other places portray them to be. Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. When are those "Occasions"? And why just those occasions? He will only work for money, yet there are times the job appeals to his more sensative side and he will take no payment.

Stopping here and allowing you to catch up a bit before I continue. I will finish tomorrow.

Edited by: Kalina Merenwen at: 4/18/06 4:50


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 18, 2006, 01:52:23 PM
thank you Kalina, i will look forward to having you approve me, but right now i will fix the mistakes.:nod  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 19, 2006, 12:45:23 AM
I am back - but now with the this color of blue.

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: (space between colon and "male") Male
Age: (space between colon and "212") 212
Race: (Space between colon and "Elf") Elf
Tribe: (Space between colorn and "Eophyrhim") Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and he weighs 1 and a half pygges. This puts him at 6'6" and 150lbs. He is extremely underweight, especially if you want him to have a bit of muscle on his body. He looks kind of muscular, yet not to strong. Hair color is black with blue streaks. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across on eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from searing from his tribe. "From searing from" - huh? His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows (is on his back where he can reach) Delete the phrase in parantheses. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His scabbard has a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a tree with a thin cricle of silver around it. In the leaves, there are eyes. Interesting. What is the significance of this? Why eyes? His bow has a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. A shield bow? Or does he have a shield? This is confusing and if you did mean for his bow to have shield attached to it, wouldn't that cause problems with his shooting? This is VERY strange and very impractical. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe.

Clothes: He wears a dark black robe Black cannot get any darker. Black is black. No more and no less. Delete "dark". A grey sash is wrapped about his waist and a black cloak, with no hood and trimmed with fur is on his back. A dark delete "dark" pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite, calm, and peaceful person who hates orcs for a good reason (mentioned why in history). Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are usually delete "usually". You over use it and makes things redundant and boring. when he has a conversation on a job or he is having th time of his life in a tavern. He will only take money but sometimes the job appeals to his more senstive side and he works for free. He also will usually Delete "usually"for his friends for free.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Armblade Profiecency: He is good with the armblades and can fight very well with them

Scimitar Profiecency: He is good with scimitars and can kill an enemy sometimes in one hit because of poison. What does poison have to do with his scimitars? And no poison is instantaneous as you are implying in this description.

Bow Proficency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.

Poison Creation: He is able to make poisons for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Remember about the poison eating away at metal. Depending on when he received these weapons - they may not be in the best of condition. Also, is this his only strengths? Weapon proficency?

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. Also, his tribe is nocturnal. He wouldn't care for the sun and bright light would bother him.

Major Fire Weakness: if somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly. Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes, for it destroyed his home. Well - fire will hurt anyone. Unless he was living with mages, he wouldn't know this and have experienced it until he was travelling and even then, it would be a rarity he would encounter someone who used fire magic, as most of them still reside in Ximax. I wouldn't say magic - but possibly fire in general he has an inate fear of it.

Hunting For Food: He is very interested with hunting, for he needs food for his wanderings. if a animal runs nearby, he stops thinking and tries to kill it. This makes him more barbariac than anything, animalistic. As an elf, he has more respect for the animals than simply food supply. He will not kill unless he is hungry. Just because you are Dark Elf does not mean you don't hold similar ideals like that of wood elves (which you are also technically).

I will go through the rest later. Please read ALL of my comments carefully and try to apply them to the poritions I have not covered yet. It will save you the marks and will save me time. Like capitalization and spelling - and universalizing the information.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 19, 2006, 12:53:23 AM
thank you Kalina, I will fix the mistakes as soon as possible.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Huma Mager on April 19, 2006, 03:32:23 AM
Dear Xun,
 You could put posion on the scimitar.All you have to do is add a posion bottle on your possesions.

Your friend,
Huma Mager

Edited by: Huma Mager at: 4/18/06 20:01


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 19, 2006, 05:33:23 AM
So no need for me to comment on this one if you get such a detailed comment from Kalina (feel honoured!) . As soon as you have your first approval (possibly after fixing in detail all what she requested)  - I will see, if I can give you the second. :)  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 19, 2006, 09:29:23 AM
Thanks Kali!! yes, my first language isn't english so I have many problems remembering words and spelling.

Now, I'm used to hear that coment, so NP.;)

BTW, I got better grades in english since I joined Santharia, I think I will make a thread for that.  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 19, 2006, 11:56:23 AM
thank you guys for the comments. (and Talia, yes i am very honored to have Kalina help me) i am still waiting for more comments, but i think i will comment on others while i am waiting.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 19, 2006, 11:20:23 AM
You still have not fixed everything from my previous two checks and I went back over stuff I had already gone over with my first check.

I would suggest you fix everything before I come back through so I do not become redundant.

Yes, capitalization and spelling is important. I have corrected much of it for you but none of it is changed.

Edited by: Kalina Merenwen at: 4/19/06 3:21


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Brighid McLir on April 20, 2006, 08:56:23 AM
I suppose my comment was lost in the mess. That's fine. The mods knew umpteen times more about this then I do.
Please fix the phrases that I pointed out. I know RL can be hectic, but its been a number of days.  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 20, 2006, 10:36:23 AM
thanks for the reply Brighid. Kalina, i hope you like my edit, i checked capitalization and spelling, and changed a few things around. i am getting mad at my self for being so stupid:explode >:  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 20, 2006, 10:46:23 AM
Don't beat yourself up.  English is a hard language to learn and if it is not your native language we all understand that it can be hard to learn all the rules.  

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 20, 2006, 10:54:23 AM
well thats the thing. it is my native tongue. i was born in California, USA, and i still live there.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 20, 2006, 10:57:23 AM
Well in that case you have no excuse.  ;)  jkjk.  Its still hard.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 20, 2006, 12:41:23 PM
well yeah. there are millions of words and some of them are hard to learn and pronounce. like when i was young i could not pronounce ventrilliquest. god, i'm not sure if i can spell it right, too;)  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 20, 2006, 12:58:23 PM
First, I saw your new portrait... very good.

Next, my native language is spanish, and as far as I know, is harder than english.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 20, 2006, 01:04:23 PM
That is why we use a Dictionary.

And no Xun - it is ventriloquist



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Twen, i fixed the mistakes. please come bac
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 21, 2006, 12:51:23 AM
i knew i typed it wrong! and i was in the spelling bee when i was young, too! >:  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Cronah S Achran on April 21, 2006, 03:38:23 AM
Good CD!

But try Dutch if you want to have a hard time.

French is a good second, i don't understand much of that either

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.

Edited by: Cronah S Achran at: 4/22/06 22:25


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 21, 2006, 06:18:23 AM
No please, Dutch is my curse, I can't understand it no matter how much I try.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Huma Mager on April 21, 2006, 06:27:23 AM
French is harder.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 21, 2006, 07:16:23 AM
I see, that you get a lot of fine comments and a complete grammar chack from Kalina, so I wont correct your speling errors. However, you could look through your text and look out for simple things yourself like using capitals. It is a lot of work to colour all wrong things!




history: He was born from a lady in the Eophyrhim tribe, who had long black hair. He was unusually smart for a elf.
Elves are smart, I think you mean: He was unusually smart even for an elf.  
When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by Orcs that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw the corpses of the tribe and all the trees were burnt. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the Orcs. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors.
Come on, you cant just invent something what you think might fit.
In which forest does your tribe live? Search for it! (tribe entry)
It is in the middle of Santharia and there is surely no horde of orcs, so you need to change this.
You cant extinct your whole tribe and set the (whole) forest on fire  


He found some Orcs and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the Orcs without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his eye.

Never ever can a single elf fight several orcs and get away with it - apart from that there are none.

When he was 112 he started to use his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He went north into the forest some more, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire. He had to resort to attacking humans to eat, yet he had trouble killing them. He finally went farther away where there were more animals. He got some more food from deer.

I dont think, that a Eophyrhim would eat humans apart from the ceremonial after Arvins Festival. He would much more easily find a beast. humans stay away from this forest as much as possible!  


When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Which tribe?
Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves for food for more wanderings and to practice his weapons. The elves started to call him Darkwoe, for he was very angry most of the time and was also sad. He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to look some more for his tribe. He was not sucessful.


He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. He was still very angry and killed a few peasents The humans saw this and got their weapons to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2 humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight good.

He was 142 when humans of the same tribe found him and took him prisoner. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food.
Which tribe, and where?

He was 149 when he learned of the Iferhem elves nearby and decided to go there.
You really should read about the tribes you mention. the Iferhem are not living nearby, but on another continent!

He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 151 and got into a fight with a human mage. He had already poisoned the mage, but the mage still cast magic. Xun ran away and maintaned his distance between humans.
Which magic did he cast, and why do you mention it?

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon.
Where did he meet him? They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and humans attacked them and killed Xeon. He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He also tried to become a mage, like his friend, though he had no teacher. he gove up when he was 172
How did he try it? you need a teacher for that.

He was 178 when he wandered out of the forest.
Which forest are you in currently? He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food out of the deer running in the fields.

He was 183 when humans saw him and attacked him. Which tribe? Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.

He was 192 when he entered an Elven town and got new arrows for his bow. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed at the town for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.
Which town? which elves?

A lot more research is needed, Im afraid!

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 21, 2006, 06:34:23 AM
After reading talia's comments I can see that you did not change any of the things that Twen and I mentioned.  Also color your changes to make it easier to wee what you changed :biggrin  

Drasil Razorfang CD

Edited by: Drasil Razorfang at: 4/20/06 22:34


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 21, 2006, 10:45:23 AM
i don't know how to change color. sorry.

and Huma and Cronah, i have tried both of those languages. Dutch, Hard! French, i could pronounce the words, yet i didn't know what they meant no matter what!:nod  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 21, 2006, 12:05:23 PM
Aw shucks! you mentioned me in your CD?
*sob* *sniff*......... just kidding. :)

Ok Xun. I see that you're doing a hard work on your CD. Great job!

Only thing left is to fix your sentences, grammar, and spelling, and you'll be on your merry way.
And, hmm, nice portrait. :nod

Have a nice day. :fish



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 21, 2006, 12:17:23 PM
it was just a thing saying who has helped me.nothing much. and yes, i have to fix my sentances, a lot!



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 21, 2006, 12:20:23 PM
Don't worry, if you don't get out of here in five months then you can worry... more if is just for spelling.

I can understand French, Italian too, because my native language is spanish, and the three come from the latin, thus the words are similar, and the structure is the same.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 21, 2006, 12:25:23 PM
well english is not from just one language. it is from many. thus, i cannot understand any other language. thank god this website is printed in english.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 21, 2006, 12:27:23 PM
Thanks to Arti that desided to traslate it into english... it was in dutch because Arti is from Austria. hmmm.. weird, Arti and Austria sound very similar... I'll have to ask he if that's the reason for his name.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 21, 2006, 12:35:23 PM
Yay for Arti! yes they do sound similiar. Arti, Austria, Arti, Austria. hmm



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 21, 2006, 12:55:23 PM
hmmm... I sugest you to change your hate from Orcs to another reason, because I see very improvable that a whole tribe died by a battle if they had survived wars.

Maybe his parents, even his girlfriend were killed by orcs and that's the reason, but no mass killing please...

Why you don't mention in personality he hates humans and humans hate him?.

I don't have more, but thanks to put me there ;)  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 21, 2006, 02:45:23 PM
Since you have edited your CD since Talia's comments - I will give my two sans tomorrow.

Until then...



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 23, 2006, 06:15:23 AM
@Kalina - no need for you to go through it - I couldn't find anything which he has corrected in the first part of the history, though there would be a lot. Not even did he add a simple "even" to correct the meaning of one of his sentences.


Orril??

Quote:
Thanks to Arti that desided to traslate it into english... it was in dutch because Arti is from Austria. hmmm.. weird, Arti and Austria sound very similar... I'll have to ask he if that's the reason for his name.


The very beginnings were in German because Artimidor is from Austria, which is called in his native tongue sterreich, so .. no connection - sorry!

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 4/22/06 22:19


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Cronah S Achran on April 23, 2006, 06:29:23 AM
I think Orril had to much ale !

And he confusses Germany with The Netherlands, and German with dutch, or is that just the ale  ?

Try using HTML for coloring

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.

Edited by: Cronah S Achran at: 4/22/06 23:11


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 23, 2006, 09:30:23 AM
*looking at the ale* hmmm... I shouldn't drink that much. Another round cause I'm leaving the Alcoholism!!! :rollin  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 23, 2006, 09:53:23 AM
Ohh come on  d-d-d-drink up. you know you w-w-want to. oh, i'm way to drunk. Woo! this a great party or what? wait, what party? geez, i AM way to drunk.:x  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 23, 2006, 10:30:23 AM
I'M TITLED!!! Will see ya in the Thirsty Herald.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 23, 2006, 11:17:23 AM
Congrats! I am very happy for you! great job! I will see you as soon as i can, hopefully not in 5 months like you :lol  .



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 23, 2006, 12:06:23 PM
I did a lot more research, Talia. i fixed everything you mentioned. thank you so much for the help! :hug  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 23, 2006, 01:35:23 PM
i changed everything around. please comment on my CD as soon as possible anybody. i will wait. but i have been waiting a while. oh well. other people have lives, too. Hey, maybe i can chat with my friend Thorgas when he is on! :idea  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 23, 2006, 01:24:23 PM
Hello! As you know I'm no moderator, and certainly not good at commenting, but I'll do my best!
Oink.
Right Buri. We'll eat afterwards.

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender:(space)Male
Age:(space)212
Race:(space)Elf
Tribe:(space)Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall. He weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not to(add another 'o' in your to) strong. His hair color is black with blue streaks. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across on(remove 'on', put 'his left/right') eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from a searing ritual from his tribe. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin cricle(circle) of silver around it. In the leafs('leaves' is the plural form of 'leaf) of the tree(,) there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe

Clothes: He wears a black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with fur on his back. A pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite, calm, and peaceful person who hates orcs for a good reason (mentioned why in history). Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he has(remove 'has', put 'is having') a converstation(conversation) on(remove 'on', put 'for') a job or (put 'when')he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He will only take money(take money for what?) but sometimes(put 'if') the job appeals to his more senstive side and he works for free, he also will work with(remove 'with', put 'for') his friends for free.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Armblade Profiecency(Proficiency): He is good with the armblades and can fight very well with them

Scimatar Profiecency(Scimitar Proficiency): He is good with scimatars(Scimitar) and can emite(I don't understand the word 'emite') poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficency(Proficiency): He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He is very fast and can run a long ways(remove 'a long ways' and put 'very far').

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bight(bright) light will hurt his eyes.

Major Fire Weakness: If somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly. Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes, for it destroyed his home.

Anger: Xun has been angry with some people all his life. Especially orcs (mentioned why in history) sometimes his anger can get him into a lot of trouble.

Lonely: Xun is very lonely, and does not have much friends. he gets almost no help in battles and gets sad at times because of no friends.

history: He was born from a lady in the Eophyrhim tribe, who had long black hair(Maybe you could write 'He is the son of a lady with long black hair from the Eophyrhim Tribe.. He was unusually smart for even a elf(He was unusually smart, even for an elf.). He lived in the Paelelon Forest. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by humans that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw some corpses of the tribe and some of the trees were burnt. His parents,(remove the comma) and friends were dead. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the humans. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors.(just wondering. why would humans attacked his tribe?)

He found a couple humans and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the humans without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his eye.(which eye? the center?):b        

When he was 112 he started to use(remove 'use', put 'train with') his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He went north into the forest some more(you can say 'he went deeper into the forest'), hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire.(don't use choppy sentences. replace the period with a comma. put 'so') He had to resort to shooting small birds to eat, yet he had trouble shooting them with his bow. He finally went farther away(remove 'farther away', put deeper) where there were more animals. He got some more food from deer.

When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They were the Jhehellrhim Elves. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves for food for more wanderings and to practice his weapons. The elves started to call him Darkwoe, for he was very angry most of the time and was also sad. He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to look some more for(remove 'look some more for', put 'find the rest of') his tribe. He was not sucessful.(successful)

He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. He was still very angry and killed a few peasents(peasants.) The humans saw this and got their weapons to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2(of the) humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight good(remove 'good', put 'very well').

He was 142 when humans of the same tribe, the Caltharians, found him and took him prisoner at Rimmerins Ring. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food.(I will leave this to the moderators)

He was 149 when he decided to go back to the Jhehellrhim tribe. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 151.(That is a pretty long time for a wound to heal. he got wounded at age 137 years old and it healed at 151? that's 14 years.)

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They had met on the outer rim of the Istarin forest. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and humans attacked them and killed Xeon. He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He also tried to become a mage, like his friend, though he had no teacher. With no real incantations in the book, and no mentor, he gove(gave) up when he was 172(Again, why would humans attack him?)

He was 178 when he wandered out of the Istarin forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food out of the(remove 'out of the', put 'from hunting') deer running in the fields.

He was 183 when more Caltharian humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.(same question as why would humans attack him)

He was 192 when he came near another forest. He cut some trees to make arrows. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed near the forest for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.(Sorry, can't understand the sentence. Perhaps I will leave this to the moderators.)

Weapons: A scimatar(Scimitar), a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: Because of the attack, he does not have much. He has a silver necklace from his mother. He also has a silver ring from his father. he also took a poison bottle that was still usable to store his poison in.

familiars: Alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. He has none.

(Now about the humans attacking him, I'm not so sure about that. perhaps it's a part of the history of both the human's and your tribe? anyways I'll leave that to the moderators.)

edits so far are taken ideas from:

Thorgas Ironforge: a friend of mine right now and always a great pal.
Don't forget my cute pig Buri!
Oink!

So Orril: Now a great friend.

Brighid Mclir

Twen Araerwen, a moderator (sorry if i did not spell this right!)

Drasil Razorfang

Talia Sturmwind: another administrator and is very helpful

And, of course my lady, Kalina Merenwen, an administrator who has helped me a LOT!  

Have a nice day, Lady Sturmwind, Lady Araerwen, Lady Judith, Lady Merenwen, and Xun.
Oink.
And try to correct what Lady Sturmwind has pointed out.
Oink.
Right. Let's eat.

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/23/06 16:28


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Huma Mager on April 24, 2006, 04:43:23 AM
Thorgas Xun food and drinks on me.
*Pulls out a magic tablecloth and says "I would like alot of food for me and my friends"The table cloth opens up and food appears.*
"What ya think."



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 24, 2006, 06:20:23 AM
Oh Thorgas, that was a thorough check! Thank you!I try to get to do some CDs tomorrow.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Cronah S Achran on April 24, 2006, 08:05:23 AM
No Zeth, you can't eat Buri !
Come back right now!
Watch out, that crazy owl is on the lose again!


Zeth come here, we will leave those guys feast!
Bon Appetit !

No Zeth, you still can't eat Buri...

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Huma Mager on April 24, 2006, 08:21:23 AM
Mr.Crona want to join us.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Cronah S Achran on April 24, 2006, 09:16:23 AM
Always in for a good party!

Bring in the Ale!

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Huma Mager on April 24, 2006, 10:03:23 AM
Theres anything you want just wish it.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 24, 2006, 10:22:23 AM
you want ale? you got it! it's on me! *Buys some ale and gives it to Cronah* Haha! you can always get ale here!  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 24, 2006, 11:19:23 AM
Thanks Lady Sturmwind. I'll try checking other CD's, just trying to help moderators and ease their work.
Oink!
*Buri stares at the owl*
And you can't eat Buri!

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/24/06 7:35


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 25, 2006, 01:38:23 AM
Can somebody please give me comments? i really need to get some and i think i can get titled soon. so can somebody please give me some comments?:read  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 25, 2006, 01:44:23 AM
Leave the Thirsty Herald? Ach! I'll empty every last keg of ale in the tavern first! And I'll wait for you too!
Oink oink!
Buri knows there is a lot of food in there!
Squeal!
Oh, and Xun, please don't rush the moderators. They've been here earlier, and are tired. You'll get titled soon, just be patient.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 25, 2006, 01:51:23 AM
buy the way, i noticed that you were moved to the archives quickly. cool, as i said, me and Orril will need to drag you out of the thirsty herald :lol  i know you were working really hard last night. i got a good nights sleep, it was 1:00 am here you know.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Cronah S Achran on April 25, 2006, 02:21:23 AM
Thanks for the ale *hick*...

I hope to get approuved soon too, but i still have some changes to make, but first i want some sleep... *snork*....

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i think i did it right this time, Kalina!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 25, 2006, 02:31:23 AM
what! d-d-d-druunkk allllready? iiiii haaaave h-h-h-had at leaast 4 m-m-m-mugs offfff beeer. wooooo. i am WAY toooo d-d-d-drunk.
*hick* *hick* *snork* Iiiii doon't feeeeel toooo wellll :x .



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 25, 2006, 03:53:23 AM
As I am sure you know, I comment in Lime

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description: -->>:

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strongEzCode Parsing Error: color=lime]EzCode Parsing Error: color=lime](His tribe is considered to be strong.  Why is he so weak in comparison?  I believe you have this reversed.  Read the entry on your tribe to find out more i[/font]. His hair (deleted color.) is black with blue streaks(as blue is not a natural hair color for his tribe(or any other that I know of) mention that it is dyed). His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across is right eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from a searing ritual from his tribe. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe(move up top where you talk about the other featuers of your hair). His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe.  (How elaborate!  Most dark elves just paint thier bows black)  (Does he have any piercings or self inflicted wounds that have left scars?  These are commonly found in his tribe and as his scar on his eye was recieved from attacking humans, he should have some)

Clothes: He wears a black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist(unusal for his tribe as they usually just wear a tunic and trousers), along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with fur on his back. A pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite, calm, and peaceful person who hates orcs for a good reason (mentioned why in history). Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions(contradictory). These occasions are when he is haing a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern(so his tounge loosens when he gets drunk.  If not, he would not be near other people to have a conversation with them). He will only take money for jobs but sometimes if the job appeals to his more senstive side and he works for free.  Also he works for his friends for free.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Armblade Proficiency: He is good with the armblades and can fight very well with them.  (Why not put poison on the blade of these weapons as well?)

Scimatar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can emit poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.  (Why not put poison on his arrows?)

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He is very fast(not endurance.  Endurance is the ability to maintain a task for an extended period of time.  Running quickly uses your quick twitch muscles and therefore does not require endurance) and can run very far.

(Also an elf of his age can not be very skilled with two weapons and proficient with another.  It is not allowed.  Tone down his weapon proficiencies.  Either remove teh arm blades, or make him unskilled with them)
Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes.

Major Fire Weakness: If somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly(All magic is dangerous and almost any element can kill you.  Why not just give him a fear of magic because it killed his home?  If you don't believe me about the deadliness of magic in general, I am sure everyone will back me up on my view). Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes, for it destroyed his home.

Anger: Xun has been angry with some people all his life. Especially orcs (mentioned why in history) sometimes his anger can get him into a lot of trouble.

Lonely: Xun is very lonely, and does not have many friends. He gets almost no help in battles(this does not have to do with having friends as the average santharian does not have weapon training and therefore could not help him anyway) and gets sad at times because of no friends.

history: He is the son of a lady with long black hair, from the Eophyrhim tribe (who is his father?  Names at least.  All Eophyrhim have long black hair and therefore this information is not very helpful). He was unusually smart even for an elf. He lived in the Paelelon Forest. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by humans that had a caravan pass(Why would human merchants, who are probably untrained in weapons risk attacking an encampment of elves?) through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw some corpses of the tribe and some of the trees were burnt. His parents and friends were dead. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the humans. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors(Once again, there would be remnants of his tribe left at the previous encampment as the band of human mechants could not have wiped out a tribe.  Maybe he didn't want to stay now that his family had died?).

He found a couple humans and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the humans without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his right eye. (No elf as smart as you describe Xun would attack a band of armed humans single handedly no matter how revenge-crazed he was especially since you mention below he had not even completed his training.)

When he was 112 he started to train with his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own.(so he had companions...) He went deeper into the forest, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve(You just said he was able to hunt by himself). The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire, so he had to resort to shooting small birds to eat, yet he had trouble shooting them with his bow. He finally went deeper where there were more animals. He got some more food from deer.  (This does not make sense.  You say that the fire started on the outside of the forest, yet was not able to spred to the center despite the increase in vegetation.  Also, the animals would not  completely leave the forest.  They would just find new homes)

When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They were the Jhehellrhim Elves. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves for food for more wanderings and to practice his weapons.(Once again, against the beliefs of all elves except the dark elves.  They would have been angry because he killed beasts without necessity) The elves started to call him Darkwoe, for he was very angry most of the time and was also sad. He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to find the rest of his tribe(Deleted the second his tribe). He was not successful.

He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. He was still very angry and killed a few peasants. The humans saw this and got their weapons to fight.(Peasants are untrained and therefore a warrior would be able to slay many of them) He managed to escape and also took down 2 of the humans(See above), but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight very well.

He was 142 when humans of the same tribe, the Caltharians, found him and took him prisoner at Rimmerins Ring. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food.

He was 149 when he decided to go back to the Jhehellrhim tribe. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 151. (Elves heal very quickly.  This wound, which would have taken a human a few months to be completely healed would have taken considerably shorter for an elf)

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They had met on the outer rim of the Istarin forest. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and humans attacked them and killed Xeon. He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He also tried to become a mage, like his friend, though he had no teacher. With no real incantations in the book, and no mentor, he gave up when he was 172  (Firstly, if an elf wanted to become a mage, he would have traveled to the elf magic school(I think its like the two towers or something)  Also as of now, there are no magical formulas in most spells.  Thirdly what book.)

He was 178 when he wandered out of the Istarin forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food from hunting deer running in the fields.

He was 183 when more Caltharian humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.

He was 192 when he came near another forest. He cut some trees to make arrows. He then realized how he had left the forest!(he had this realization above) He stayed near the forest for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.

Weapons: A scimitar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: Because of the attack, he does not have much. He has a silver necklace from his mother. He also has a silver ring from his father.(mention these in history.  Did he take them off his parent's corpses?) he also took a poison bottle that was still usable to store his poison in.

familiars: Alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. He has none.  (You never mentioned this horse in your history.  Try adding it in or remove it)

edits so far are taken ideas from:

Thorgas Ironforge: a friend of mine right now and always a great pal. And of course, his friendly pig, Buri.

So Orril: Now a great friend.

Brighid Mclir

Twen Araerwen, a moderator (sorry if i did not spell this right!)

Drasil Razorfang

Talia Sturmwind: another administrator and is very helpful

And, of course my lady, Kalina Merenwen, an administrator who has helped me a LOT!

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 25, 2006, 10:49:23 AM
Ok Xun. Time to stop drinking and start working on that CD. (give me that mug! glug glug glug...)
Oink.
And try to fix what the moderators have pointed out. It'll make your job easier. i know from experience.
Just do that and you'll be RPing in no time.
;)  
And I won't start RPing until you finish your job. Got nowhere to start and I don't feel comfortable in the Thirsty Herald... Maybe because the people there are not so friendly. :(  
Oink.
Have a nice day. :fish  

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/25/06 4:07


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 25, 2006, 02:24:23 PM
Sorry i do not have much time to do much work. it is about 11 here and i work early at 6. i need a good night sleep. *yawn* i am already tired.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 25, 2006, 07:41:23 PM
Xun, there are still some inconsistencies (?) in your  CD, which are partly hard for you to correct, I will go over it later this day. But you can start to eliminate your orc references at the top of your CD - you are using now humans in your history.  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 26, 2006, 07:55:23 AM
Sorry, got a bad headache (better for you if I don't comment now ;)  )

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 26, 2006, 12:38:23 PM
Well Xun... Seem you're late, Discard a weapon and use the poison in the other two to give you the same advantage.

hmmm... sure that was a mug of beer?? I remember Storm droped the odd bottle with two bones crossed on that...:devilish

I'll give you a good comment tomorrow, I have to sleep and recover from my rage.:explode  (I HATE MY DRAWIN TEACHER... SHE'S LUCKY I DON'T HAVE MAGIC...)

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My fredom. My law: the strenght and the wind. My mother country the skySo Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 26, 2006, 02:37:23 PM
well i understand the condition of a bad headache. yes that can be horrible if it is bad. and Orill, what was so bad about your teacher, i know they can be sometimes annoying, but why now?

everybody! have a nice day!:fish  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Fixed mistakes, need comments, ready for ti
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 26, 2006, 02:39:23 PM
hurrah! thorgas is on! three cheers! Hip hip... Huzzah! Hip hip... Huzzah! Hip hip... Huzzah! another round of ale to thorgas!



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 26, 2006, 01:42:23 PM

Oy, a party eh! Lets drink!

Aye Xun. If you're not busy, maybe you could help Huma with his CD? I want you two to be out of here and into the Thirsty Herald as soon as possible. Then we can get rockin'. I don't see anything wrong other than fixing what the moderators pointed out. :biggrin  

Gimme that beer! *glug glug glug slurp..... Burp!... Hick!*
Hmm... ho... de.... Aye Xun, you're the one who's paying right?


Oink.

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/26/06 12:53


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on April 27, 2006, 12:01:23 AM
Please go through and fix all the capitalizations. There is still much you have not done with that and I am not going to do a URI check just to fix that for you.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 27, 2006, 08:36:23 AM
A girl likes me! :loveeyes  not telling who for she'll be mortally embarrased. :D  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on April 27, 2006, 08:53:23 AM
What are you talking about?

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 27, 2006, 12:27:23 PM
in real life,  a girl has a crush on me.

just another girlfriend, nothing else, that's all.:o  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on April 28, 2006, 01:43:23 AM
Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair color is black. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across is right eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from a searing ritual from his tribe. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. he has one scar on his shoulder near the tattoo of the dragon. he has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. he also has one across his cheek.

Clothes: He wears a black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with fur on his back. A pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite, calm, and peaceful person who hates orcs for a good reason (mentioned why in history). Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he is haing a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He will only take money for jobs but sometimes if the job appeals to his more senstive side and he works for free, he also will work for his friends for free.

Remove your orc, as I said earlier.
I dont know, who wouldcall an eophyrim a peaceful person, but well. But he wont have  the time of his life in a tavern - this is not like the eophyrhim are!


Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Armblade Proficiency: He is good with the armblades and can fight very well with them

Scimatar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can emite poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He is very fast and can run very far.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes.

Major Fire Weakness: If somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly. Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes, for it destroyed his home.
Well, that is true for everybody.

Anger: Xun has been angry with some people all his life. Especially orcs (mentioned why in history) sometimes his anger can get him into a lot of trouble.
Orcs again -

Lonely: Xun is very lonely, and does not have much friends. he gets almost no help in battles and gets sad at times because of no friends.
Well, there are no battles nowadays - and what kind of fights2 do you speakof? If he is hired as a mercenary - he is either alone and knows this, or with others, then he will have help

history: He is the son of a lady with long black hair, from the Eophyrhim tribe.
Most Eophyrhims have long black hair, so why mention it? Has it a special meaning?
He was unusually smart even for an elf. He lived in the Paelelon Forest. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by humans that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw some corpses of the tribe and some of the trees were burnt. His parents and friends were dead. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the humans. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors.

Sorry Xun, I know, I told you already, that orcs are not possible, but I reread the entry about the Eophyrhims (what you should have done as well, and not even started to write this), and that isnt possible

Quote:
They {the eophyrhims)are introverted yet imposing on those that attempt to enter their forest. Stories abound that the Eophyrhim are merciless to those that cross them, and missing caravans of traders have seemed to prove the point.

The Eophyrhim are very protective of their forest. Small drowish establishments are set up at the borders of the Paelelon, where it is guarded fiercely. Those not without an Eophyrhim escort are not permitted to enter. Those that are not drow of the Paelelon and damage the forest in any way are roughly reprimanded by the Eophyrhim. Those that attempt to pass through the forest without permission are promptly executed.


So your caravan is not possible

He found a couple humans and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the humans without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his right eye.


your history doesnt work like this (see above),but I will comment nevetheless, so you can avoid other mistakes later..
- You need to tell us, what humans they were, where they came from and where this happened.


When he was 112 he started to train with his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He went deeper into the forest, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire, so he had to resort to shooting small birds to eat, yet he had trouble shooting them with his bow. He finally went deeper where there were more animals. He got some more food from deer.
He went deeper into the forest, hoping to find other elves - what for other elves - other Eophyrhim? The forest is not as deep, that he hasnt met them before. The palelon is very roughly 150 strals (km) long and about 100strals broad. he probably has wandered the whole forest already several times.
Such an elf would never starve in his homeforest, he would have always be able to hunt.
The fire - if there would have been one, happened years ago , and the animlas would have forgotten it.  



When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They were the Jhehellrhim Elves.
You didnt tell us, that he left the forest nor how he came to find them. They are quite near though.  

They offered him food, shelter, and protection.

Well, more probably not, if he is recignised as eophyrhim.

Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves for food for more wanderings and to practice his weapons. The elves started to call him Darkwoe, for he was very angry most of the time and was also sad. He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to find the rest of his tribe his tribe. He was not successful.

Rest of is tribe? He should know, where they are.

He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment.
Xun, you stated he was very bright, then he should have some knowledge about Santharia and not accidentically stumble in a human village.
He was still very angry and killed a few peasants The humans saw this and got their weapons to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2 of the humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight very well.

He was 142 when humans of the same tribe, the Caltharians, found him and took him prisoner at Rimmerins Ring. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food.


He was 149 when he decided to go back to the Jhehellrhim tribe. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 151.

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They had met on the outer rim of the Istarin forest. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and humans attacked them and killed Xeon. He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He also tried to become a mage, like his friend, though he had no teacher. With no real incantations in the book, and no mentor, he gave up when he was 172

He was 178 when he wandered out of the Istarin forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food from hunting deer running in the fields.

He was 183 when more Caltharian humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.

He was 192 when he came near another forest. He cut some trees to make arrows. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed near the forest for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.

Read soe more about Santharia, we are a well developed land and there is no way you stumble just around, intelligent as you are. Or did you want to say, that he was the opposite?

Weapons: A scimitar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: Because of the attack, he does not have much. He has a silver necklace from his mother. He also has a silver ring from his father. he also took a poison bottle that was still usable to store his poison in.

familiars: Alas, he did have a horse wi

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 28, 2006, 08:52:23 AM
hehe.. seems Talia gave you the coment before me...

I hate my drawing teacher cause she gived me as final grade 5!! (5 is don't aproved, the scale is from 0 to 10, the closer to 10 the better) And yes, she gaved it to me, she hate my group so she send all my group to final exam... I fear she send us to extraordinary exam or worse... MAY THE EARTH SWALLOW SHE... better not, I doubut she taste well...:lol  

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My fredom. My law: the strenght and the wind. My mother country the skySo Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 28, 2006, 02:44:23 PM
geez... only a five? that's bad. i doubt that that is all you can do, maybe a 6, Just kidding, i don't know how good you are, but i am sure yo were better than that. sorry i wasn't on earlier today, i got a MAJOR flu, it's bad enough right now.:upset  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (i need comments! Talia? Kalina? Please?)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on April 29, 2006, 05:19:23 PM
Hey... Just checking your progress. :nod
When you get approved, you create our adventures ok? You or the wind mage So. Just don't forget to invite me!



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (A lot of work to do!)
Post by: Enslidor Vershlok on April 30, 2006, 12:29:23 AM
You need some help in your S/W. First of all, it seems like your charatcer is scared of almost everything... you might wans to change that, and make him seem a little tougher... after all, seeingfrom the blade proficiency, he is a warrior, and warriors dont exaxtly cower from everything.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (A lot of work to do!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 30, 2006, 03:18:23 AM
You can't know, one thing is being scared of everything and other is fight while you're scared, in tournements of Tae Kown Do, I'm scared, though I fight.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (A lot of work to do!)
Post by: Enslidor Vershlok on April 30, 2006, 04:33:23 AM
True. Another thing I wanted to comment on is his being sad because he has no friends... thats kind of childish. You might make it so that he doesn't talk to people much, but feeling left out is sort of like, well, if youve read the post about roleplaying talking about pinky the giant who hurt his knee and started crying...



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (A lot of work to do!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 30, 2006, 07:32:23 AM
well thanks guys, and thorgas, i would gladly like to make a story, and i will most definetely (i think i spelled that wrong) invite you, i would more likely forget Orril or Huma than you. i probably will forget one a ya :confused .

P.S. did you try out the website i told you guys about? it is www.kingsofchaos.com



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (A lot of work to do!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on April 30, 2006, 08:06:23 AM
to Talia: i have fixed the mistakes and i want you to re-check it.

to Orril: hiya, how are you. i hope you are having lots and lots and lots of ale. nah, that's more like Thorgas.

to EVERYBODY!: have a nice day, OR ELSE :fish .



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on April 30, 2006, 11:11:23 AM
That darn Pikel and his Comments. They do so love being teh LIMEz0rs!!

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair color is black. I would try to make the two previous sentences into one sentence, say how long his hair is, as well as the color. For Example: "Like most of his tribe, Xun keeps his black hair long." or some such thing. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across is right eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from a searing ritual from his tribe. I did a check and your tribe does not make tattoos of this sort. From as far as i can tell, only the hounds of Paelelon tattoo and they do not tattoo dragons. I think you would have to come up with a better de*****ion of how you came to have this tattoo., for your tribe has no such ritual for it. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. Hopefully these scars are explained in history, if not, then explain why he put them there. he has one scar on his shoulder near the tattoo of the dragon. he has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. he also has one across his cheek.

Clothes: He wears a black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with fur on his back. A pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite, calm, and peaceful I would not call someone as heavily armed as your character "peaceful" person who hates humans for a good reason (mentioned why in history). Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he is haing a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He will only take money for jobs but sometimes if the job appeals to his more senstive side and he works for free, he also will work for his friends for free.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Armblade Proficiency: He is good with the armblades and can fight very well with them

Scimatar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can emite poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He is very fast and can run very far.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes.

Major Fire Weakness: Fire magic can make Xun scared and hurt his eyes, for it destroyed his home. This is not a very powerful weakness. magic is far too rare to be considered a detriment to be afraid of it.

Anger: Xun has been angry with some people all his life. Especially humans (mentioned why in history) sometimes his anger can get him into a lot of trouble.

High strung: because of the battle at early age, he is very careful and gets startled easily. this can make him get low on defense because of something harmless.

I feel that your character is VERY overpowered. He has skills in 3 different weapons, can use poison, and has good endurance, yet his biggest weakness seems to be a temper / rascism. I feel that you will have to come up with a few more weaknesses to balance out your character.

history: He is the son of a lady from the Eophyrhim tribe. He was unusually smart even for an elf. He lived in the Paelelon Forest. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by humans that had other humans killed because of trespassing,I do not see this happening. The eohpyrhim would have an extreme advantage in any battle situation occuring in their forest, and would probably not be caught by surprise, seeing as how many of them live in the trees. and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw some corpses of the tribe and some of the trees were burnt. His parents and friends were dead. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the humans. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors.

He found a couple humans and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the humans without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his right eye.

When he was 112 he started to train with his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He went out of the forest, still hoping to find other Eophyrhim Elves. This i think would be obscenely easy. The eophyrhim are easy to find, if you are eophyrim. Your character probably would have known of other villages as well.

When he was 118, he found he had left the forest, and tried to go back. I seriously doubt an elf would "lose" his forest. He did find a forest when he 123, but not his. It was the Istarin forest, home of the Jhehellrhim elves.

When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They were the Jhehellrhim Elves. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Your tribe is generally disliked around santharia. I do not think this would happen, since you are no longer a child, and are quite armed. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves for food for more wanderings and to practice his weapons. The elves started to call him Darkwoe, for he was very angry most of the time and was also sad. He left the tribe of Jhehellrhim Elves when he was 137 to find his tribe. He was not successful. again, i should think he would be.

He was 142 when humans of the same tribe, the Caltharians, found him and took him prisoner at Rimmerins Ring these are mountains, not a stronghold. . He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food.

He was 149 when he decided to go back to the Jhehellrhim tribe. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 151.

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They had met on the outer rim of the Istarin forest. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and humans attacked them and killed Xeon. He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He also tried to become a mage, like his friend, though he had no teacher. With no real incantations in the book, and no mentor, he gave up when he was 172

He was 178 when he wandered out of the Istarin forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food from hunting deer running in the fields.

He was 183 when more Caltharian humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.

He was 192 when he came near another forest. He cut some trees to make arrows. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed near the forest for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.

I think your history needs to be explained a bit better....there are some areas that do not make sense to me.

Weapons: A scimitar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: Because of the attack What attack? the attack on his tribe? that would have been decades ago....more than enough to to gain items. I would leave the "because of the attack" out of this setence, he does not have much. He has a silver necklace from his mother. He also has a silver ring from his father. he also took a poison bottle that was still usable to store his poison in.

familiars: Alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. He has none.

Good character, although you still have some work to do :)  



**DISCLAIMER** I apologize to anyone I may have offended in the above post. I would like to assure you that was (most likely) not my goal. I would also like to assure you that the above post (again, most likely) in no way reflects the views of the Santharian boards or their webmaster, Artimidor Federkiel.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 30, 2006, 12:12:23 PM
Hehe... the tavern is.. well boring cause no one posts... but hey, I really would like to make a story.

Then:

WEAKNESS!!!

You're alcoholic
You're depresive
You're dependant on a drug
You're blind or something like that
You're hunted for some reason
You're frail and/or sicky person (hehe I'm quiet mean with these)

You're nimphomaniac

Strenghts

Quit one or two weapons and put poison in the last, this way you will keep a good attack and a decent weakness.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 01, 2006, 02:25:23 AM
thank you you guys, they will really help, i will change them right now.

to orril: nice SIG, i think it is really cool.

to Master Pikel: no offense, but how do you pronounce Pikel, i pronounced it like PIC-le or pickle.

to everyone: Have a nice day! :fish  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Enslidor Vershlok on May 01, 2006, 03:41:23 AM
lol xun for now, just call him pickle :p
and orril, i like u portriat - its manga, right?



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Cronah S Achran on May 01, 2006, 04:39:23 AM
He, lads cronah's in the house!

Ale's on me !

empty's his glass and pours another...

Keep up the good work;

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 01, 2006, 06:16:23 AM
oh no, in here, all the ale is on me! *checks in his pocket for money*... ah crud, Thorgas drank to much again:b  I'M BROKE!



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 01, 2006, 07:09:23 AM
I don't see a good work here, I see a char who is not able to follow the comments a couple of good commentors gave!!

Xun, I copied the relevant passages out of the entry, Pikel told you the same, but you just don't listen!

Go and read the Eophyrhim tribe entry till you know, what is possible or not! Rewrite your history nearly ENTIRELY or you will never roleplay here!

And no comments asking for mods in the heading anymore, the exclamationmark is enough!

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 01, 2006, 08:44:23 AM
Just to Pikel, your comment to hum about the self inflicted scars, the elves of his tribe give themselves piecrciengs and scars to add to thier appearence to make themselves more frightful.  If he mentions that he did this because of this ritual, it should suffice.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Gamaliel Ironforge on May 01, 2006, 10:04:23 AM
Hello Xun! hehe thanks for adding me to your family buddy lists. wow! that's one big happy family.

Ok to answer your questions:

Yup, me and tim are long time best friends. We were born in the same hospital, He was my classmate, childhood friend, we were drinking buddies, we go to the same university, we're both engineering students, etc. we're like brothers because we're very close friends. :hug    

I forgot to tell you he did mention your name to me, says you're a great guy. :)    

There is no danger in telling the name only :biggrin    

Thorgas' age is 100, mine is 120 hehehe; in RL I'm 1 year older than him.

And don't forget to include me in your adventures!

Edited by: Gamaliel Ironforge at: 5/1/06 2:23


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on May 01, 2006, 10:53:23 AM
Aye Xun. Well first of all I did try the site, but I don't know my way around there. :confused  

Second, no offense but, looks like Lady Sturmwind gave you the cold shoulder. Couldn't blame her though.. She's tired after all, and, after commenting on your CD many times and then returning without you changing it must have been the last straw for her. It's like asking for their help in your CD, but you didn't pay attention to their advice. You have a great CD, but it would be better if you would just correct the mistakes Master Thunderstone and Lady Sturmwind pointed out, it would make your work, and theirs, easier. They are seasoned players after all.

Third, That was very touching! :lol  

Fourth, Gamaliel, you improve your CD  too.

Fifth, Have a nice day. :fish

Sixth, Could you ask Orill how did he do his signature?

Oink.

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 5/1/06 15:15


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 02, 2006, 08:25:23 AM
Well... Is a bit better now, I'll need to do a deeper read though, maybe tomorrow.

The signature is made in your acount preferences, check the golden letters at the top of the forum for more references.

YES!!! My portrait isn't from manga, but from Anime, still are very similar things. (BTW, I tryed to obtain the manga version but... couldn't.)

Well, need to rest a bit, exams are a crazy thing.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 02, 2006, 11:15:23 AM
Yeah well, she did, but like you said, couldn't blame her. that's why i didn't argue, well actually for 2 reasons. the other one is she is a admin, all she has to do is delete my account.

oh in the list... I FORGOT HUMA!!!!!:(  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe , Eophyrhim, Mercenary
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 02, 2006, 11:17:23 AM
Crud! sorry guys, last night i was changing everything, all my history, weakness and strengths, everything. I was almost done when BAM! my computer dies! i gotta do it all over again. Sorry, would of had it sooner but, that happened.:confused  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 02, 2006, 10:20:23 AM
Xun, first and foremost Admins. do not delete accounts for any reason. As this would destroy all of your work and make it impossible for you to post here. Also this would never be done simply over a CD not being edited as requested.

Secondly, it is irritatiing when people do not take our comments seriously enough and simply ignore them. We all donate our time to help new players and all we ask in return is for them to work "with" us. So if Lady Talia seemed a bit upset, it might be because you weren't living up to your end of this little deal.

But let us move on and get to work on your CD so that you can have an enjoyable time RPing here. Please place the exclamation mark back on your CD when you feel the proper edits have been done and are ready for new comments. Also feel free to send me an ezmail when you are ready or have any questions you wish answered.

~bows gracefully and departs~

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 5/2/06 2:22


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on May 02, 2006, 11:06:23 AM
Aye Xun. Just checking your CD again. If you need any help, ask. I remember telling you before that you need to compare your elf with your chosen tribe and see if there is any similarities. :nod

Oink.

Behold. Admire. Wonder. Witness the fire inside me... Burning... To Avenge. The Ironforge Pyromancer

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 5/2/06 3:09


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 02, 2006, 12:22:23 PM
Hey Thorgas, i changed my character just now. please check it out being changed a lot. and comment on any problems that you see, please.:biggrin :\  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on May 02, 2006, 12:35:23 PM
Aye Xun. Before I go commenting, I noticed that you have mispelled many words. Fix that first, and I'll comment on it.
Squeal.

Behold. Admire. Wonder. Witness the fire inside me... Burning... To Avenge.The Ironforge Pyromancer



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 02, 2006, 12:43:23 PM
Shut up! you stupid pig! sorry, getting kinda frusturating.:explode  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 02, 2006, 01:53:23 PM
Ya know, my coments will be in green, and don't expect grammar or spelling here, I'm really bad with it.

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Silent Hunter
Well, IMHO you need to use more imagination in your Title, but if you fell is OK, I'll respect that.
Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair color is black. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across is right eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from a searing ritual from his tribe. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves.AGAIN!!! chose wise weapons, this will unbalance your CD. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a painting Not quiet sure, but IMHO, a quiver won't have paintings because it should be camuflaged. of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. he has one scar on his shoulder near the tattoo of the dragon. he has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. he also has one across his cheek.

Clothes: He wears a black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with fur on his back. A pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite and calm person. Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he is having a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He is friendly, yet does not seem like it. most people hate him or ar afraid of him because of being Eophyrhim.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Smart: He is very smart and can get out of trouble.

Scimatar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can emit poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He is very fast and can run very far.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes.

Loneliness: He is an orphan, and sometimes gets lonely. this can get him sad at times.

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy because of loneliness. this can get him into trouble.

Clumsy: Though fast, he is clumsy. he trips often and gets hurt sometimes.

history:

He was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair, as does everyone in the tribe, in the Eophyrhim tribe. He grew very fond of his mother because his father had died before he was born. Killed by his hound, his mother said. He talked to his mother a lot. He had a good life. his mother was some what wealthy. they had a nice tree. he had lots of fun. however, that changed.

One day, when he was 93, still young, Xun had entered his tree. He had saw a note on the low table. He took the note, sat on the table, and started reading.

Dear Xun,
I hope this won't be troubling, but I have went outside the forest. I have had some great times with you, and i bet you did, too. However, I have had some bad times. I am going to end my life outside the forest. I will no longer bother you. Take my money and have a great life.

Xun could not understand. what bad times? why? when did she write the note? was is to late? He did not know, but he was going to find out.

Xun ran out of the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? Xun found his mother lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. He looked at her and with one glance, he knew she was dead. he turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different then most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in site. He studied the wound more carefully.

They were armblade wounds! but how? Xun had no armblades. He only had a scimitar and a bow, no armblades. no weapons, armblade wounds, it matched up. she was killed by someone else. But who? And she had written the note, so how? All was still very confusing. He went back to his tree to think.

He entered his tree and sat down on the stool. He was thinking hard. He still couldn't figure it out. Who had killed her was the big question.

After a long time thinking, he stopped and started thinking about himself. How could he live? he had no friends at that time. he was still kind of young. he didn't know how to cook. he could hunt but raw meat? He had some money but didn't know how to shop good or make wise choices. He would probably waste it on a new scimitar or bow. So how?

He could not make up his mind. He decided to live the same way, except no mother. He went on with his life. bought food, tried to cook, always making burnt meat, and all the other things.

when he was 128, he had lost all of the money. he was still a hunter, getting a decent pay, but he was poor. He had buried his mother and went to the grave every day. He had a sad life. he decided to do something else.

He had entered another house early at day. when the tribe was asleep and took some money from another Eophyrhim elf. But, this is wrong, he thought again. he put the money back and left.

He was still poor when he was 156. He still didn't know what to do. he had no money, stealing was wrong, what? He finally left the forest to go someplace else.

He went to a human encampmet first. The humans didn't like him and distrusted him. He couldn't live there, so he went to the Istarin forest to the Jhehellrhim elves. They hated him, he could definitely not live there, but where else? he went back.

He was 161 when he got back, and was still poor. He had nothing left to do. he stayed there until someone came.

Someone entered the tree and said hello to Xun. "Who are you?" asked Xun. He didn't look like an elf. "Someone," the man replied. obviously he was a silent man. "I heard of your mother, here," the man laid down a sack on the table and left.

Who was that man? well, he would figure out later. he looked in the sack. It was full of money! But who gave it to him? And why? Well, anyways, he had a lot of money now, and could live his life.

He was still sad, However. His mother was dead. and he still didn't know who killed her. It could have been a human, and be dead already. Or it could've been a elf, and still be alive. either way, he wanted to know. He set out in the forest to find out.

First off, he knew she was killed by armblades, so who had those? only a few people in his tribe. This was getting him to nowhere, but he still wanted to find out.

He gove up when he was 182, but sadness drove him to looking some more at 193. He was loosing the money, still had a quite a bit. He is now still looking for The killer and is 212. *Sniff* VERY GOOD!!! you drown me in a deep sadness, I will kill you if you don't extent this a bit to explain who killed her.

Weapons: A scimitar and a bow.

belongings:

A poison bottle.
A scimitar and scabbard.
A bow and quiver of arrows.
A silver ring from his mother.
a silver necklace from his father.

familiars: He was going to get a hound, but when he heard of how his father died, he decided not.erace this, as you really didn't bought it, but include this in history.

edits so far are taken ideas from:

Thorgas Ironforge: a friend of mine right now and always a great pal. And of course, his friendly pig, Buri.

So Orril: Now a great friend. hehe, don't forget about Storm and Shadow, my familiars.

Brighid Mclir

Twen Araerwen, a moderator (sorry if i did not spell this right!)you spelled it right, so don't worry

Drasil Razorfang

Talia Sturmwind: another administrator and is very helpful.

And, of course my lady, Kalina Merenwen, an administrator who has helped me a LOT!  

Dear frien, I can gladly say that you are close to the end, I saw less mistakes and is very good, the history is convincent and... well don't have words. Good luck :thumbup  

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (Just edited, need comments, admins please?)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 02, 2006, 02:03:23 PM
Hello Xun, thank you for the ezmail. My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange.
Strengths:

Smart: He is very smart and can get out of trouble. How smart is he? An how does this correlate into his ability to get out of trouble? Some examples of how this has helped him in the past would do wonders here.

Scimatar Scimitar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars How good is he? Could he fight a well trained knight or a battle hardened orc? Or would he be on par with a soldier or guardsmen? A few sentences to define how good he really is might help alot in defining this strength. and can emit poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice. How fair is he with this bow? A few sentences to explain what he could or could not do with it would be helpful here.

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He is very fast and can run very far. Fast is not endurance so it should be listed as a seperate strength. If he can run far, then tell us how far ....... a few strals or 25 strals (The distance of a marathon runner)?

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes. Do bright lights blind him? Or is it just irritating?

Loneliness: He is an orphan, and sometimes gets lonely. this can get him sad at times. This is not a weakness as described, because most people feel lonely at times and get sad occasionally.

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy because of loneliness. this can get him into trouble. Define going crazy? Does he start killing people at random or get angry and smash things? Or does he just sit and weep when he is overcome with loneliness?

Clumsy: Though fast, he is clumsy. he trips often and gets hurt sometimes. lol...... Sorry had to laugh at clumsiness as a weakness, sadly it is one I have IRL.:crazy

I hope my comments help you on your way to a title. If you have any questions be sure to ask them here.
~Sincerely~
Twen

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 02, 2006, 01:40:23 PM
Well, thanks for the comments, Orril. I really liked what you said at the end of the history an about the killer, no one knows yet heheh.  

Edited by: Xun Darkwoe at: 5/2/06 15:48


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 02, 2006, 02:42:23 PM
hey thenks for the comments, Twen. I think tey will really help. Yeah clumsy is kind of funny.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 03, 2006, 12:53:23 AM
SURE I'LL KILL YOU!!! you as the writer know who!!! (OK, provably not, but you realy crushed my head and heart with that history)  

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 03, 2006, 02:37:23 AM
I see you have a brand new history and with your permission(as in you will actually respond to my comments) would you like me to look over it?

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 03, 2006, 03:01:23 AM
Don't ask Drasil and look, he's good writing Dramas.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 03, 2006, 10:41:23 AM
Sure Drasil, I wiould be glad if you looked it over. But i am getting tired of Lime, everybody is using it. I want someone new, but i can't find anybody.:rolleyes  use a different colour please?



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 03, 2006, 10:44:23 AM
My htoughts exactly.  Everyone is stealing my color.  I use olive now.  You also just missed me as I am off to go develop the Sparth(a weird spear like fishing weapon) I'll get to you tommorow I promise.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 03, 2006, 11:04:23 AM
Olive? Ugh, no, i hate dark colours. how about something brighter then that like [/font]color=fuchsia]Fuchsia?[/font] or Blue? or Red? just please not olive, i don't have very good site. :confused 8o  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on May 03, 2006, 11:48:23 AM
Drasil:

Quote:
Everyone is stealing my color


Blagh! I was commenting in Lime before you people even found Santharia!!

*Pikel Grumbles like a grumpy old man*

Durned young 'uns!



**DISCLAIMER** I apologize to anyone I may have offended in the above post. I would like to assure you that was (most likely) not my goal. I would also like to assure you that the above post (again, most likely) in no way reflects the views of the Santharian boards or their webmaster, Artimidor Federkiel.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 03, 2006, 12:08:23 PM
Sorry people, but `Lime is the color of the wind, acording to the Mexicans legends. So is MY color :p  

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 03, 2006, 12:10:23 PM
I don't know about you guys, but my colors Blue, SO DIN"T STEAL IT!!!:fish  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 04, 2006, 06:14:23 AM
Comments in olive  Also, after my elven diet ordeal I've learned much more about elves and therefore can go into much more depth.


Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Hunter of Thorns

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong.(mention his boniness and how all of his limbs appear to stick out as it is a distinguishing trait of his people) He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair color is black. (Merge these two sentances to read "he has long black hair) His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from a searing ritual from his tribe(pikel's comment). His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves(delete around the tree) around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. he has one scar on his shoulder near the tattoo of the dragon. he has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. he also has one across his cheek. (capitilization and punctuation.  Also your sentances are a little boring to read in this section and if you are as good as orril says, find some way to combine them so it reads better.  Remember people will except you into thier story based upon how well your CD is written)

Clothes: He wears a black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with fur on his back. A pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.  (This clothing is impractiacal and stupid for his class as it hinders his movement and provides no protection.  Why does he not wehre leather armor, a shirt and trousers like everyone else.  You may keep the grey sash, but why not make it a silver sash that he weaves into his trousers or onto of his armor?)

Personality: A polite and calm person. Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions(this is not common for his tribe.  usually they are silent unless adressed of speaking to another drow). These occasions are when he is having a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He is friendly, yet does not seem like it. most people hate him or ar afraid of him because of being Eophyrhim.  (Mention his loyalty to the few friends he has as it is an important triat of his tribe.  Also mention the fact that they have a need to accomplish a task once it is started.  Finally mention the fact that others are often repulsed by him and that he, like his tribe, rarely talks to any other race or tibe.)
Strengths/Weaknesses

Strengths:

Smart: He is very smart and can get out of trouble. He can think of ways to get out of traps, and fid out ways to do other things.

Scimatar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can fight sometimes a well trained knight(say soldier here as a knight is a very elite class an an elf of his age would not have teh training). He can also emit poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice, but he can fire 25 peds (delete long.  Also the distance has nothing to do with him personally, yet his accuracy does.  Say he is fairly acurate and has a good chance of hitting a taget 25 peds away.)long. (About 75 feet long.)

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He run very far. He can run aout 8 strals.

Fast: He is very fast and can run about 8 miles per hour.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes(you just said "bright light will hurt his eyes" in teh previous sentance.  Remove it as it is repatative". The Bright lights irritate him so he cannot see well.  (See above.  Mention that this is a sever weakness as he can often be blinded by looking into teh son while fighting or accomplishing a task.)

People: Most people don't like Xun and pick on him. This gets him angry and attack them.

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy and destroy things wherever he is at. because of loneliness. He can withstand people, but this can still get him into trouble.
(These last to are like the same thing)
Clumsy: Though fast, he is clumsy. he trips often and gets hurt sometimes.  (NOO!  As a hunter he needs to be able to move stealthily and being clumsy prevenst him from doing that.  Come up with another)

history:

He was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair, as does everyone in the tribe(Remove this clause), of the Eophyrhim tribe. He grew very fond of his mother because his father had died before he was born. Killed by his hound, his mother said. He talked to his mother a lot. He had a good life. his mother was some what wealthy. they had a nice tree. he had lots of fun. however, that changed. (Mention how close to the ground they lived as it shows his class)

One day, when he was 93, still young, Xun had entered his tree. He had saw a note on the low table. He took the note, sat on the table, and started reading.

Dear Xun,
I hope this won't be troubling, but I have went outside the forest. I have had some great times with you, and i bet you did, too. However, I have had some bad times. I am going to end my life outside the forest. I will no longer bother you. Take my money and have a great life. (First, Elves would not end thier lives until whatever they have chosen to be thier art is complete.  A woman would DEFINATLY not end her life while she still had a child.  This will need to be edited slightly as he would have known this.  Maybe he thinks she has been kidnapped?)

Xun could not understand. what bad times? why? when did she write the note? was is to late? He did not know, but he was going to find out.

Xun ran out into the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? Xun found his mother lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. He looked at her and with one glance, he knew she was dead. he turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different then most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in site. He studied the wound more carefully.

They were armblade wounds! but how? Xun had no armblades. He only had a scimitar and a bow, no armblades. no weapons, armblade wounds, it matched up. she was killed by someone else. But who? And she had written the note, so how? All was still very confusing. He went back to his tree to think.


I'm stoping here as I think I have given you a lot to think about.  When you are done correcting.  Ezmail me.  Don't forget to color your changes.  If you don't like something I have said, give me a reason why in a seperate post

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 05, 2006, 01:50:23 PM
I am done correcting mistakes, Drasil, but i don't want to change the story about the note, so i didn't change it, however, as you know, she didn't kill herself, maybe this has something to do with the note? you can figure it out.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 05, 2006, 09:41:23 PM
I know she didn't kill herself, yet unless her killer is human, the not shows very human emotions, not elven.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 06, 2006, 03:36:23 AM
well nobody knows yet except me.

@Drasil Razorfang, well, it was a human, considering all the humans nearby. Hope nobody else reads this part.:(  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 06, 2006, 04:18:23 AM
Ok, that makes more sense.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 06, 2006, 11:03:23 AM
OK, this isn't right

Quote:
Fast: He is very fast and can run about 8 miles per hour.


NO ONE CAN RUN THAT FAST WITHOUT USING MAGIC!!! the fastest person runs at the half of that!!!

Then, When you get approbed I got an idea for a story... just let me see if admins let me telepor us to actual New York...  

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 06, 2006, 10:15:23 AM
So Orril, the average person can run about 10-11 miles/hour. There are olympic runners that easily cover the mile in under 4 minutes so 8 miles/hour is not unrealistic.

P.S.: Carl Lewis was the first man to ever run the mile in UNDER 4 minutes in the olympics.

8 Miles in an hour is quite the sustained run but still not outside human possibility.

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 5/6/06 2:18


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 06, 2006, 11:26:23 AM
Thanks for backing me up Twen, by the way... while you are at it, can you do a check on my CD?



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 06, 2006, 11:32:23 AM
I am doing my rounds hun, ;)  I will comment on all CDs by the end of the evening. I started at the bottom and am working my way up so .... soon.

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 06, 2006, 11:43:23 AM
A mile is like 3 625 metters I.M like 3 kilometers... so that would be like running at 24 Km/h!!! that's extremly fast!!! with a bike you can hardly aproach to that speed.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 06, 2006, 12:23:23 PM
So Orill, a 4 minute mile is about 15 miles/hour and as Carl Lewis is in the record books amongst MANY others of doing this. I am not open for debate on the matter. Just look up his name once and you will see it is easily done. Mind you running 8 miles in an hour is phenomenal because most people do not have the endurance to keep up such a pace. BTW: I run at about 12 miles/hour myself though my endurance destroys any hope of long distance.

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 06, 2006, 12:21:23 PM
@Twen, you run 12.5 miles yourself in real life or in santharia?

In real life i run 3.5 miles per hour (MPH) but i can't run for long because my endurance, i get to tired to quickly, i am not a sporty, fast, running type of guy.

@Twen, y the way, where did you get that weird lettering? i like it and i want it.

Edited by: Xun Darkwoe at: 5/6/06 4:23


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 06, 2006, 12:50:23 PM
Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Hunter of Thorns
Eye Color:
Hair Color:
Height in Meters:
Weight: I prefer weight to be done to the nearest od. An od is equal to one pound. Hence 100od = 100Lbs.


As I read and saw some of my comments not addressed, I will ask you to go back and reread them and make sure you edit with them in mind or at least tell me why you didn't.  

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 5/6/06 4:52


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on May 06, 2006, 01:51:23 PM
OK Xun, don't worry about Huma, he's busy in RL, like Gamaliel who went on vacation WITHOUT telling me! I promise that I'll kick his dwarven ass when he gets home! :p
Oink.
Anyways I'll just check spelling and grammar, as I don't know much about elves. I look like a walking spell checker. :)
Lastly, I love the "oink" thing. Unique eh?

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Hunter of Thorns

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 2 pygges. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make(remove 'make', add 'shows the') insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. He has one scar on his right shoulder. He has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek.Ok, Xun. These are choppy sentences. You might want to improve it, coz in RPing your skill in writing determines how you play.

Clothes: He wears a black tunic with black trousers. He also has a greay(gray) sash that weaves through the trousers. He has a black cloak, the button(s) being(remove 'being', add 'having') the colour silver. He has plate armour over the tunic (w)ith a plated belt, the plated belt saying in(remove 'saying in' , add 'having the words in') elven letters "The Chosen One." When he got this armour the letters made him feel better. He also has leather boots made from dearskin(deerskin).

Personality: A polite and calm person. Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he is having a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He is friendly, yet does not seem like it. most people hate him or ar(e) afraid of him because of being Eophyrhim. He is very loyal to his few friends and almost never leaves them. When he gets a job, he finishes it, never just leaving it unfinished.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Smart: He is very smart and can get out of trouble. He can think of ways to get out of traps, and fid(remove 'fid', add 'figure') out ways to do other things.

Scimatar(Scimitar) Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can fight sometimes(interchange the words 'sometimes' and 'fight') a well trained soldier, but not quiet(quite) as good as a knight. He can also emit poison into a enemy because of his poisons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow yet can improve. He is quiet(quite) accurate, however, and can sometimes hit an enemy 35 peds away. (about the size of a football field.)

Poison Creation: he is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.
(You always use the word 'sometimes'. You as the maker knows how good he is with those things.)

Endurance: He run(s) very far. He can run aout(remove 'aout', add 'at about') 8 strals.

Fast: He is very fast and can run about 8 miles per hour.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes. The Bright lights irritate him so he cannot see well. This is a severe weakness as he can be blinded during a task.

People: Most people don't like Xun and pick on him. This gets him angry and attack them.

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy and destroy things wherever he is at. because of loneliness. He can withstand people, but this can still get him into trouble.

Stubborn: He is very stubborn, and sometimes does not obey anybody. This can make other people mad.

history:

He was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair, as does everyone in the Eophyrhim tribe. He grew very fond of his mother because his father had died before he was born. Killed by his hound, his mother said. He talked to his mother a lot. He had a good life. his mother was some what wealthy. they had a nice tree, close to the ground, however, not that close. he had lots of fun. however, that changed.

One day, when he was 93, still young, Xun had entered his tree. He had saw a note on the low table. He took the note, sat on the table, and started reading.

Dear Xun,
I hope this won't be troubling, but I have went(remove 'went', add 'to go') outside the forest. I have had some great times with you, and i(I) bet you did, too. However, I have had some bad times. I am going to end my life outside the forest. I will no longer bother you. Take my money and have a great life.

Xun could not understand. (W)what bad times? (W)why? (W)when did she write the note? (W)was is(remove 'is', add 'it') to(o) late? He did not know, but he was going to find out.

Xun ran out of the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? Xun found his mother lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. He looked at her and with one glance, he knew she was dead. he turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different then(not 'then', add 'than') most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in site(rmove 'site', put 'sight'). He studied the wound more carefully.

They were armblade wounds! (B)but how? Xun had no armblades. He only had a scimitar and a bow, no armblades. (N)no weapons, armblade wounds, it matched up. she was killed by someone else. But who? And she had written the note, so how? All was still very confusing. He went back to his tree to think.

He entered his tree and sat down on the stool. He was thinking hard. He still couldn't figure it out. Who had killed her was the big question.

After a long time thinking, he stopped and started thinking about himself. How could he live? he had no friends at that time. he was still kind of young. he didn't know how to cook. he could hunt but raw meat? He had some money but didn't know how to shop good or make wise choices. He would probably waste it on a new scimitar or bow. So how?

He could not make up his mind. He decided to live the same way, except no mother. He went on with his life. bought food, tried to cook, always making burnt meat, and all the other things.

when he was 128, he had lost all of the money. he was still a hunter, getting a decent pay, but he was poor. He had buried his mother and went to the grave every day. He had a sad life. he decided to do something else.

He had entered another house early at day. when the tribe was asleep and took some money from another Eophyrhim elf. But, this is wrong, he thought again. he put the money back and left.

He was still poor when he was 156. He still didn't know what to do. he had no money, stealing was wrong, what? He finally left the forest to go someplace else.

He went to a human encampme(n)t first. The humans didn't like him and distrusted him. He couldn't live there, so he went to the Istarin forest to the Jhehellrhim elves. They hated him, he could definitely not live there, but where else? (H)he went back.

He was 161 when he got back, and was still poor. He had nothing left to do. he stayed there until someone came.

Someone entered the tree and said hello to Xun. "Who are you?" asked Xun. He didn't look like an elf. "Someone," the man replied. obviously he was a silent man. "I heard of your mother, here," the man laid down a sack on the table and left.

Who was that man? well, he would figure out later. he looked in the sack. It was full of money! But who gave it to him? And why? Well, anyways, he had a lot of money now, and could live his life.

He was still sad, However. His mother was dead. and he still didn't know who killed her. It could have been a human, and be dead already. Or it could've been a elf, and still be alive. either way, he wanted to know. He set out in the forest to find out.

First off, he knew she was killed by armblades, so who had those? only a few people in his tribe. This was getting him to nowhere, but he still wanted to find out.

He gove(gave) up when he was 182, but sadness drove him to looking some more at 193. He was loosing the money, still had a(remove 'a') quite a bit. He is now still looking for The killer and is 212.

Sorry about this, but I hate dramas. I couldn't understand them. Anyways Your sentences are choppy. You need to make good sentences with proper structures because it is where your RPing skills will depend.
Oink.

Weapons: A scimitar and a bow.

belongings:

A poison bottle.
A scimitar and scabbard.
A bow and quiver of arrows.
A silver ring from his mother.
a silver necklace from his father.

familiars: He was going to get a hound, but when he heard of how his father died, he decided not.

edits so far are taken ideas from:

Thorgas Ironforge: a friend of mine right now and always a great pal. And of course, his friendly pig, Buri.
Oink.

So Orril: Now a great friend. And of course, Storm, his Owl, and Shadow, his Wolf.

Brighid Mclir

Twen Araerwen, a moderator (sorry if i did not spell this right!)

Drasil Razorfang

Talia Sturmwind: another administrator and is very helpful.

And, of course my lady, Kalina Merenwen, an administrator who has helped me a LOT!  

Behold... Admire... Fear... and Wonder. Witness the fire burning in me... Burning... To Avenge.

The Ironforge Pyromancer



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 06, 2006, 01:00:23 PM
Thank you for the Grammar check, Thorgas! :)   Alot of what Thorgas has mentioned needs done but look over my previous comments as I said. Once you have done the grammatical edits and edited to some of my comments ezmail me agian Xun. Not long now by the way it is looking. :thumbup  

P.S.: The lettering is off of a program I have, just type in anything and hit enter and there you go. Though it uses alot of really weird modern symbols that I edit out.

~bows gracefully and departs~

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 5/6/06 5:02


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 06, 2006, 03:34:23 PM
Thank you so very much guys, i really need that help! a program eh? so i can't do it? that sucks. I will gladly Ezmail you again, Twen.

@Thorgas, thanks for the grammar check!!!

@Twen, Thanks for the basic description check!!!

@everyone! Have a nice day!! :fish  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on May 06, 2006, 11:37:23 PM
Hehe glad to help Lady Araerwen, even if it's just grammar and spelling checks.
And Xun, try editing what the mods and admins pointed out. It'll make your work easier.
:biggrin
Oink.
Have a nice day. :fish  

Behold... Admire... Fear... and Wonder. Witness the fire burning in me... Burning... To Avenge.

The Ironforge Pyromancer



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 07, 2006, 01:58:23 AM
I am now awaiting more comments on my cd, i really need some, for my CD needs work. can I get approved? I will patiently wait for approval after fixing comments. Please be approved, please be approved, please be approved...



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 07, 2006, 02:21:23 AM
Well... not quiet sure about hits, but you can try using ASCII or something like that to put some of those symbols like

@ &#9689; &#9787;

just type Alt + a number between 0 and dunno where it ends.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 07, 2006, 02:38:23 AM
well i know about that, i'm a computer specialist, i know a lot about computers. i just hae never seen that lettering before, maybe its on microsoft word.

 How are you?



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 07, 2006, 03:01:23 AM
Xun, Might i suggest rereading though your CD and changing you sentance structure to make it more complex.  When I read it, you make me think you are very young or not american.  Try getting rid of things like "he is nice.  he if funny.  He likes this ect"  Try to combine these short choppy sentances into longer ones that make it more ineresting to read.  Also try to be a bit more descriptive.  While you meet all the requirements, it feels as though you just wrote down a question and answer section.  for example, don't say his hair is black, try to find a nice adjective to use or a metaphor to make it easier to envision Xun.  You have many great ideas in your head(and on paper) and its a shame to see them get looked over because of the rather "drab" writing style(no offense)  If you need any help, contact me.  Also Dagan Aeres Bloodthirst is really good at this as well and I am sure he would love to help you

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 07, 2006, 03:08:23 AM
Wow! that was a speedy reply, i just asked you in your thread if you could look mine oer and right when i finished typing you have already said something! Dang!



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 07, 2006, 03:12:23 AM
I wrote this before you wrote in mine as I am tired of seeing all your good ideas go to waste through poor sentance structure.  You history is very good, but its the style in which it is presented which prevents it from reaching its fullest potential.  If you have any problems just EZmail me

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 07, 2006, 02:17:23 AM
Drasil's comments on sentence structure would be useful for you Xun. BTW: Whom do you think is helping Dagan there dear Drasil;) ? Kinda a necessity for me to help Dagan, especially with him being my cousin. Though he better pick up the pace since I do wish to RP with him in the future. ~goes to call him as a matter of fact~

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 5/6/06 18:21


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 07, 2006, 03:47:23 AM
Oh...Well tell him I said hi.  He's very helpful and a very good writer.  Hes done Uris on most of my entries too

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Cronah S Achran on May 07, 2006, 06:16:23 AM
Xun, my lad pour me an ale and lets enjoy because i will be gone for a week next monday.
# grabs a mug and drinks till its empty#

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 07, 2006, 09:46:23 AM
hello lad... where are you going? i'll miss you. Don't start crying... don't start crying... don't start crying... Bursts out into tears, grabs a mug and drinks it, and cries some more. I'll REALLY MISS YOU!!!!! :drool :drool  



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 07, 2006, 09:59:23 AM
testing SIG



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 07, 2006, 10:00:23 AM
Oops forgot something, Testing SIG.

Witness the darkness... the chaos... the misery... inside of me, urging to destroy. Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of thorns.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Cronah S Achran on May 07, 2006, 04:33:23 PM
Going to prague for a week next monday,

BTW there is a test treath for that kind of things in the general out of character threath.

BTWBTW : you can create a link to your Cd by rightclicking on it, then click on properties and then copy the URL to you signal then you have to write some HTML to let the link work but altough i know how i will not write it here, serch the web for some easy HTML cursusses and look it up there, because HTML comes in handy when you need for example change your color .

Cronah S Achran

Stories become real once you read them.

Edited by: Cronah S Achran  at: 5/7/06 8:41


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 08, 2006, 02:35:23 AM
To prevent making this thread a chat room I created this thread chat room so we can talk about whatever we like, and plan our story.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 08, 2006, 02:40:23 AM
That is a great idea, So Orill!! where do you find it? is it in CD forum, i hope not.

BTW: i am almost finished with my SIG.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 08, 2006, 02:42:23 AM
Testing SIG.

Witness the darkness... the chaos... the misery... inside of me, urging to destroy. Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of thorns.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 08, 2006, 02:44:23 AM
Forgot to save changes. testing sig.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 08, 2006, 09:57:23 AM
I comment in yellow

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Height: 2 peds
Weight: 229 ods(why not use a larger measurement?)
Eye color: Dark blue
Hair color: Jet black
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Hunter of Thorns

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 229 ods. He looks lkind of muscular, yet not too strong.(Change this sentance to something alont the lines of, Large knots of muscle are hitten under Xun's skin, giving him a weak appearence) He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair is thick and pure black, reaching jet black.(maybe say Obsidian, bodering on jet black) His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together shows the insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. He has one scar on his right shoulder. He has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek.
(This is what I was talking about before.  You use He every sentance.  I'm sure you know other words.  Also, does he have any piercings?  What about complexion>  Hair style?  stature?)

I am stopping here for now as I will do each section idividually.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 08, 2006, 11:07:23 AM
Because od are a more definative number but not too exact. It is also the measurement I have been commenting to be used, Drasil.

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 08, 2006, 10:08:23 AM
I'll repeat this: My suggestion to prevent many he is using first person writing, this way you get in your CD, now, you aren't describing someone else, you are describing yourself. Also, use his name more often, this way y won't use many he's.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.

Edited by: so orril miesefer  at: 5/8/06 16:14


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 08, 2006, 09:45:23 PM
Twen, why not use pygge if the number so high.  He can still use ods though.  Think about it.  When we speak we don't say he is 20 ounces.  We say 1 pound 4 ounces

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 08, 2006, 11:21:23 PM
Orril, that is the decision of the writer himself, for as a third person you can describe much more, than as first person, the char might not know all he needs to put down, so you can't say this generally.  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 09, 2006, 01:12:23 AM
ups... made it sound imperative... I'll correct that.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 09, 2006, 05:26:23 AM
@Drasil: If I were to ask you how much you weigh you would most assuredly respond something like "140 pounds." Since the od is equivalent to a pound I would think this to be the most reasonable and logical equation. Also the od is much more precise than stating near one pygge. Plus I am the one that needs to know at a glance what it is I am reading.;)  

@So Orril: The view from which the person writes their CD is utterly personal preference. My writings are exclusively third person as I am NOT writing about myself. It is a writing about a fictional character that is definately not viewed by myself as me. Though the perspective a writer wishes to use is all their own choice.  

Please stick with od in the top listing of your CD, Xun. But be sure to use the pygge and other Santharian measurements elsewhere in the description.

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 5/8/06 22:08


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 09, 2006, 02:14:23 PM
thanks, Twen, i was going to say, "Twen told me to, but, ok, whatever" but you covered that, so, i don't need to. By the way, to Orill, i like how i am dong, it, though the idea of mentioning his name more often is a good idea, so i'll try that, see how the Mods and Admins think. Sits by Orill, and takes his beer. I don't wanna change from third to first person viewpoint!! >:  

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 09, 2006, 10:13:23 PM
Xun, your history is still not fitting to Caelereth, but you struggled already so long, so I will give you some proposals, you dont have to accept them though, and I will try to make it a bit more fluently. If you are a native speaker and catch me with a mistake, correct it! ;)  

Comments

Proposals

 Language, Grammar etc  


History:

Xun Darkwoe was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair, as as it is commo   in the Eophyrhim tribe. He grew very fond of his mother because his father had died before he was born. Killed by his hound, his mother said. He talked to his mother a lot. They   had a good life  for his mother was some what wealthy  and could therefore afford a home in  a nice tree, close to the ground, however, not that close.  Xun   had lots of fun , however, that changed.

One day, when he was 93, still young, Xun had entered his tree  when he had saw a note on the low table. He took the note, sat on the table, and started reading.

Dear Xun,
I hope this won't be too troubling, but I have to leave ..that has more the feeling of leaving for ever, not just to pick some berries the forest. I have had some great times with you, and i bet you did, too. However, I have had more bad times and therefore I am going to end my life outside the forest. I will no longer bother you. Did she ever bother you, you did get along with her well, so this doesnt fit. Take my belongings and have a great life.


Xun could not understand. What bad times? Why? When did she write the note? Was is too late? He did not know, but he was going to find out.

Xun ran out of the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? He found her lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. When he looked at her and with one glance he knew she was dead. He turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different than most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in sight. He studied the wound more carefully.

They were armblade wounds! But how? Xun had no armblades but he knewm how such wounds could look like. He only had a scimitar and a bow, no armblades. No weapons, armblade wounds, it matched up. She hadnt killed herself, but  was killed by someone else. But who? And she had written the note, so how? All was still very confusing. He went back to his tree to think.
Why do you mention, that Xun has no armblades - he didntkill his mother,

He entered his tree and sat down on the stool. He was thinking hard. He still couldn't figure it out. Who had killed her was the big question.

After a long time thinking, he stopped and started thinking about himself. How could he live?  He had no friends at that time and   was still kind of young.  He didn't know how to cook. he could hunt but raw meat? He had some money but didn't know how to shop good or make wise choices. He would probably waste it on a new scimitar or bow. So how?
This doesnt work, for you are not this young to not be able to hunt for yourself AND prepare a meal out of it. No need for an elaborate cooking . So you will have no problem with feeding yourself and look after the basic things. Why didnt you have friends? You are living in a tribe, there should be a few others who care about you.

He could not make up his mind. He decided to live the same way, except no mother. He went on with his life. bought food, tried to cook, always making burnt meat, and all the other things.
See above! Proposal:

After a long time thinking, he stopped and started thinking about himself. How could he live?

He had not many friends and no desire to see them now in his misery. He didnt know, what to do for several days, but finally made up his mind. He decided to live the same way, just without his mother. Life wasnt as comfortable than before, but he hunted his food and bought, what else he needed from others. So life went on till he was 128.


 When he was 128, he had lost all of the money.  He was still a hunter, getting a decent pay, but he was poor. He had buried his mother and went to the grave every day. He had a sad life.  He decided to do something else.

He had entered another house early at day, when the tribe was asleep and took some money from another Eophyrhim elf. But, this is wrong, he thought again.  He put the money back and left.

He was still poor when he was 156. He still didn't know what to do. he had no money, stealing was wrong, what? He finally left the forest to go someplace else.

Why was he stil poor, why did he not learn something , follow a occupation, so that he would not be poor? He is now grownup, I see no advantage or need, have you any reason to be poor? Is it important for who you are? Why dont you just live a normal life and decide at a certain point to find out  about the death your mother, or maybe you learn now, that your father was murdered as well and not killed by his hound, as your mother said? But skip the poor, then you can explain easier where you have the money from to pay for your equipement and your travels.

He went to a human encampment first. The humans didn't like him and distrusted him. He couldn't live there, so he went to the Istarin forest to the Jhehellrhim elves. They hated him. He could definitely not live there, but where else? he went back.

An Eophyrhim would not go to a human encampement, even if he should be not very bright, of course he could never live there. Why dont you just say:

He wandered from place to place in Mid Santharia, living from the land,  to unveal the mysthery which surrounded his parents, but as an Eophyrhim he was nowhere welcome. So, meanwhile without any money left, he went back to the Palaelon.

He was 161 when he got back, now without funds left . He had nothing left to do. He stayed there until someone came.

Someone entered the tree and said hello to Xun. "Who are you?" asked Xun. He didn't look like an elf. "Someone," the man replied. obviously he was a silent man. "I heard of your mother, here," the man laid down a sack on the table and left.

Who was that man? well, he would figure out later. he looked in the sack. It was full of money! But who gave it to him? And why? Well, anyways, he had a lot of money now, and could live his life.

This comes a bit late...  your mother is long dead and you were away for a while. mention your surprise, let the man say something...and humans are not able to enter the forest, let me remind you.. proposal:

Someone entered the tree and said hello to Xun. "Who are you?" asked Xun. He looked strange - was it an elf at all?. "Someone," the man replied. Obviously he was a silent man. "I knew of your mother, here, though it is long ago that death came to her" the man laid down a sack on the table and left.

Who was that man? Well, he would figure out later. He looked in the sack. It was full of money! But who gave it to him? And why? Well, anyways, he had a lot of money now, and could live his life.


He was still sad, however. His mother was already long dead and he still didn't know who killed her. It could have been a human, and be dead already. Or it could've been aEzCode Parsing Error: color=#66CC99]n/font] elf, and still be alive. EzCode Parsing Error: color=#66CC9ither way, he wanted to know. He set out in the forest to find out.

First off, he knew she was killed by armblades, so who had those?  Only a few people in his tribe. This was getting him to nowhere, but he still wanted to find out.

He gave up when he was 182, but sadness drove him to looking some more at 193. He was loosing the money, still had quite a bit. He is now still looking for  the killer and is 212.

You need to set out again to get to roleplay - no party will enter ther Paelelon voluntarily! ;)  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Keldren on May 10, 2006, 04:31:23 AM
My comments will be in yellow

This de*****ion REALLY needs to be broken up into smaller paragraphs. The way it is written currently is difficult to read and it just runs on and on.

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 229 ods. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair is thick and pure black, reaching jet black. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together shows the insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. He has one scar on his right shoulder. He has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek.

Maybe you could try this
Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 229 ods. (P)
He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair is thick and pure black, reaching jet black.(P) Also here I would suggest the use of Santharian colors, like Nor'sidian black
His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye.(Here I would not use right eye twice, just say the eye is blue and that the scar runs across it)Also new paragraph
His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in (its) black scabbard on his left hip.(P)
The scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver also has a painting of a tree with a thin perhaps band instead of circle circle of silver around it. Within the leaves of the tree are many eyes. (P)
His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. (Bows are not large enough to have a picture of a shield painted on them. The haft of a bow is small so that one may hold it. It gets even narrower toward the tips of the arms.)The bow and the quiver together shows the insignia of his tribe.(P)
He has some self inflicted scars. One scar on his right shoulder(comma) three on each leg(period) Each is long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek. (which cheek?)



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 10, 2006, 10:22:23 AM
well... about why i mention how i had no armblades, i put it as the mother had no weapons, she usually uses Xuns, plus there was no weapon in site.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 10, 2006, 10:25:23 AM
Why would his mother use weapons?  if she has Xun, she has no need to use them.  maybe make it so that he thinks he lost a dagger and that she took it to kill herself.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 10, 2006, 10:36:23 AM
His mother doesn't use weapons, she only uses Xun's weapons if he is not there and she needs them. that is why she supposedly took one of Xun's weapons, but, she didn't really kill herself, so no weapons were actually taken, get it?

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 10, 2006, 10:48:23 AM
I still see some problems with this, however I trust Talia will pick them up or already has adressed them.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Kalna Dal'isyrs on January 01, 1970, 09:00:00 AM
Heya Xun. I wish to commend you for one: Coming such a long way and being patient with us as we work with you. It means a lot. Secondly: for being really close to getting your first approval. I know there are still a few things to pick out but you are getting really close. ^.^ I am just going to give my 2 sans on your S/W real quick in my pretty blue pen

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Smart: He is very smart and can get out of trouble. He can think of ways to get out of traps, and figure out ways to do other things.
I don't know if this is more smart than witty. From what you explain he is intellient and witty. Being smart doesn't overly imply either so just simply change "smart" to "intellient and witty" or something like that.

Scimitar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can fight as well as atrained soldier, but not quite as good as a knight. He can also emit poison into a enemy with his weapons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow yet can improve. He is quite accurate, however, and can sometimes hit an enemy 35 peds away. (about the size of a football field.) No need for the explanation in the ( ).

Poison Creation: He is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He can run very far. He can run about 8 strals. Is that without stopping? Or just minimal rest? Or what?

Fast: He is very fast and can run about 8 miles per hour. How many *strals* per hour? We don't have miles.  ;)

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes. The bright lights irritate him so he cannot see well. This is a severe weakness as he can be blinded during a task.

People: Most people don't like Xun because he...(fill in the blank with one discriptive aspect about him) and pick on him. This gets him angry and he will attack them.

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy and destroy things wherever he is at because of loneliness. He can withstand people, but this can still get him into trouble. Why does he do this? Is he provoked into a rage or...?

Stubborn: He is very stubborn, and sometimes does not obey anybody. Who does he have to obey but himself? This can make other people mad. This could be expanded upon and an example given. This doesn't really tell us that he is "stubborn" - just that he doesn't like to be told what to do. That is slightly different from being stubborn.



The Santharian Dream ~ Role Playing Basics
Character Creation Guide ~ Restrictions and Age Calculator

Edited by: Kalina Merenwen at: 5/10/06 6:21


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 10, 2006, 11:49:23 PM
Xun, we can't look into your head, you need to write it down! Add the following (coloured part) in the paragraph I have commented above:
(Note: All Eophyrhim have a weapon to hunt and work with, women as well. What would I be without my knives, lol)


Xun ran out of the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? He  found her  lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. When he looked at her and with one glance he knew she was dead. Xun had noticed before he had left the house, that his mother had not taken her personal weapons with her. Had she used one of his? He turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different than most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in sight. He studied the wound more carefully.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 11, 2006, 01:28:23 PM
thank you Talia. i am now finished with your comments (Had a lot to do in RL) and now on to Kalina's.

BTW, do you think i might be able to make a story, making only myself into maybe like part 2, and later on set out of the forest and meet party 1, and join them? just curious. i think it is a good idea.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 11, 2006, 01:37:23 PM
aha! finally done. i am now awaiting comments.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe: Eophyrhim, Hunter.
Post by: Keldren on May 11, 2006, 01:50:23 PM
My comments will be in yellow
This de*****on REALLY needs to be broken up into smaller paragraphs. The way it is written currently is difficult to read and it just runs on and on.


Maybe you could try this
Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 229 ods. (P)
He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair is thick and pure black, reaching jet black.(P) Also here I would suggest the use of Santharian colors, like Nor'sidian black
His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye.(Again santharian colors would be good)Also new paragraph His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in (its) black scabbard on his left hip.(P)
The scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver also has a painting of a tree with a thin perhaps band instead of circle circle of silver around it. Within the leaves of the tree are many eyes. (P)His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. (Bows are not large enough to have a picture of a shield painted on them in much size. The haft of a bow is small so that one may hold it. It gets even narrower toward the tips of the arms.)The bow and the quiver together shows the insignia of his tribe.(P)
He has some self inflicted scars. One scar on his right shoulder(comma) three on each leg(period) Each is long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek. (which cheek?)  

Edited by: Keldren at: 5/11/06 5:58


Title: Hmm...
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on May 11, 2006, 05:33:23 PM
I was thinking of checking your CD, but it seems that you've already edited it according to Lady Sturmwind's suggestions, I think. Hmm... however, you might want to check your S&W and make sure that it is understandable.
Oink.
And try double checking your history and see that there are no flaws. Other than that, I think you'll get your 1st approval... soon.
Snort.



Title: Re: Hmm...
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 11, 2006, 09:22:23 PM
Xun, for a story mod you need to have some RP-experience first...  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Hmm...
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 12, 2006, 12:19:23 AM
ah... ok, well, can i join a story and set out of my forest then?

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Hmm...
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 12, 2006, 03:46:23 AM
... Be patient Xun, first learn to walk, then run and lastly fly.

About the story, the first part would be only for ya, so I don't like the idea, though if you can include other CD's it will be ok.

Then... IMHO this is a bit overpowered, but that's only a feeling I have, need to check more the strenghts and weaknes to see if they can be really played.

Lastly, I'm quiet sure you will be approved soon, just follow the coments of our ladies and queens and you'll be Ok.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Hmm...
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 12, 2006, 03:42:23 AM
Dear Xun, read again my longer comment above, and answer all the question I posted! F.e the last one. Don't say, you lost all your money, for you needed to biy food, for every eophyrhim can live of the forest! You have incorporated most of my proposal , but missed the extra one some posts later.

You are nearly there! Put some more effort in it!

One of your strengths is not fitting:

"Fast: He is very fast and can run about 6 strals per hour."

6km(=stral) per hour is not  fast, look up what a good runner can cover in an hour!

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 5/11/06 19:44


Title: Re: Hmm...
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 12, 2006, 01:55:23 PM
thank you, Talia, and Orill.

i hope i can be approved soon. i'll add that i set out of the forest again, so i can start playing.

i'll also add that the mother had weapons, but Xun noticed that they were all there at the tree.

HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE!!!!!
 :fish  

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Hmm...
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 12, 2006, 02:18:23 PM
Now ready for more comments. walks over to talia and sits by her. Can you comment on my CD again? i think it is finally ready, i want you to see if i can be approved.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 14, 2006, 04:38:23 AM
far better, but you didn't changed the speed thing, change it and sure you'll get your fist approbal

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 15, 2006, 02:51:23 AM
Xun you need to read comment throughly.  You ignored Talia's speed thing and if you don't change it, she woun't provide an approval.  Just a helpful hint!

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 17, 2006, 08:12:23 AM
Nearly done, Xun, two things left:

1.Most people don't like Xun because he is... different then most Eophyrhims, and pick on him. This gets him angry and he will attack them.
That doesn't make sense - people don't like Eophyrim, so why don't they like him, who is different? Just skip the "different than most"
"
When he was 128, he had lost all of the money. He was still a hunter, getting a decent pay, but he was poor. He had buried his mother and went to the grave every day. He had a sad life. He decided to do something else.

He had entered another house early at day. when the tribe was asleep and took some money from another Eophyrhim elf. But, this is wrong, he thought again. he put the money back and left.

He was still kind of low on money when he was 156, because he had to spend all of his pay on food. He had barely enough to buy food, but he could still live his life. He still didn't know what to do. He was low on money, stealing was wrong, what? He finally left the forest to go someplace else."

I don't know, why you want to be poor so desperately. He is able to feed himself entirely! (Hunting, berries etc) If he is so poor, he can't afford travelling away. Maybe invent something which he wants and needs and which costs money, so that he has never enough. (drugs to sedate his grief about his mother? BUT mention somewhere, that this behaviour is unusual for an Eophyrhim!


***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 17, 2006, 11:00:23 AM
Ok, just explain me... Why you want to be poor??? that's weird, and will limit your play in many aspects.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 17, 2006, 01:56:23 PM
aren't there other people that aren't? and, doesn't that fit into my story well? who would expect somebody with only a middle class , or in other words, decent, pay, to be rich?

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 17, 2006, 01:57:23 PM
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! I AM SO CLOSE TO DONE!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH TALIA!!!!:hug  

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 17, 2006, 02:08:23 PM
AHA!!! finally done, well, i hope. maybe one thing that i put made an error.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 18, 2006, 07:54:23 AM
Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age: 212
Height: 2 peds
Weight: 229 ods
Eye color: Dark blue
Hair color: Jet black
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Hunter
Title: Hunter of Thorns

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and weighs 229 ods. He looks kind of muscular, yet not too strong. He has long black hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His hair is thick and pure black, reaching jet black. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across his right eye. His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His scabbard has a painting of a tree on it with many leaves. His quiver of arrows has a painting of a tree with a thin circle of silver around it. In the leaves of the tree there are eyes. His bow has a painting of a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together shows the insignia of his tribe He also has some self inflicted scars. He has one scar on his right shoulder. He has three on each leg, each one long and jagged. He also has one across his cheek.

Clothes: He wears a black tunic with black trousers. He also has a grey sash that weaves through the trousers. He has a black cloak, the buttons having the colour silver. He has plate armour over the tunic with a plated belt, the plated belt aving the words in in elven letters, "The Chosen One." When he got this armour the letters made him feel better. He also has leather boots made from deerskin.

Personality: A polite and calm person. He is usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are when he is having a conversation for a job or when he is having the time of his life in a tavern. He is friendly, yet does not seem like it. most people hate him or are afraid of him because of being Eophyrhim. He is very loyal to his few friends and almost never leaves them. When he gets a job, he finishes it, never just leaving it unfinished.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Intellient and Witty: He is very smart and can get out of trouble. He can think of ways to get out of traps, and figure out ways to do other things.
Xun, if you are intelligent and witty, then why are you poor? You must not be rich! Just average.

Scimitar Proficiency: He is good with scimitars and can as fight as a well trained soldier, but not quite as good as a knight. He can also emit poison with his weapons.

Bow Proficiency: He is fair at the bow yet can improve. He is quite accurate, however, and can sometimes hit an enemy 35 peds away.

Poison Creation: He is able to make poison for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Endurance: He can run very far. He can run about 8 strals with only a small 30 second break if he needs to.

Fast: He is very fast and can run about 14 strals per hour.

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. His tribe is also nocturnal and bright light will hurt his eyes. The Bright lights irritate him so he cannot see well. This is a severe weakness as he can be blinded during a task.

People: Most other Eophyrhim people don't like Xun because he is... different then most Eophyrhims, and pick on him. This gets him angry and he will attack them.
skip that, see my comment!

Crazed: He sometimes goes crazy and destroy things wherever he is at, because of loneliness. He can withstand people, but this can still get him into trouble. He is provoked into this by sadness, of the death of his mother, and goes into rage.

Stubborn: He is very stubborn, and sometimes does not obey anybody. This can make other people mad.

History:

Xun Darkwoe was born by a beautiful lady with long black hair, as it is common in the Eophyrhim tribe. He grew very fond of his mother because his father had died before he was born. Killed by his hound, his mother said. He talked to his mother a lot. They had a good life for his mother was some what wealthy and therefore they could afford a home in a  nice tree, close to the ground, however, not that close. There was only one problem. Xun needed medical attention for odd ocasions in which he was sad for no reason, and if there was a reason, he went? crazy. But this was fixed by special herbs ()  his mother bought. He had lots of fun, however, that changed.
didnt I tell you before to add home before?

One day, when he was 93, still young, Xun had entered his tree when he saw a note on the low table. He took the note, sat on the table, and started reading.

Dear Xun,
I hope this won't be too troubling, but I have to leave the forest. I have had some great times with you, and i bet you did, too. However, I have had more bad times and therefore I am going to end my life outside the forest. I will no longer bother you. Take my belongings and have a great life.

Xun could not understand. What bad times? Why? When did she write the note? Was is too late? He did not know, but he was going to find out. Xun started to go out of his tree when he noticed that his mothers dagger and scimitar was still there. He was confused, how could she kill herself? He thought that she might have taken one of his weapons by accident. Xun started to run through the forest.

Xun ran out of the forest and looked for his mother. Was she already gone? He found her lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Xun ran toward her. He looked at her and with one glance and he knew she was dead. He turned her over and looked at the wound. It looked different than most wounds he had seen. He then noticed that there was no weapon in sight. He studied the wound more carefully.

They were armblade wounds! But how? Xun had no armblades, though he did know what such wounds looked like. He only had a scimitar and a bow, no armblades. No weapons, armblade wounds, it matched up. She hadn't killed herself, but was killed by someone else. But who? And she had written the note, so how? All was still very confusing. He went back to his tree to think.

He entered his tree and sat down on the stool. He was thinking hard. He still couldn't figure it out. Who had killed her was the big question.

After a long time thinking, he stopped and started thinking about himself. How could he live?

He had not many friends and no desire to see them now in his misery. He didnt know, what to do for several days, but finally made up his mind. He decided to live the same way, just without his mother. Life wasnt as comfortable than before, but he hunted his food and bought, what else he needed from others. So life went on till he was 128.

When he was 128, he had lost all of the money due to the specila herbs he needed for his illness . He really needed them, or else... what would he do? Probably kill himself. He was still a hunter, getting a decent pay, but the medice made him poor. He had buried his mother and went to the grave every day. He had a sad life. He decided to do something else.

He had entered another house early at daycomma when the tribe was asleep and took some money from another Eophyrhim elf. But, this is wrong, he thought again. he put the money back and left.

He was still kind of low on money when he was 156, because he had to spend all of his pay on his medicine . He had barely enough to buy the few goods he needed with which the forest could not provide him , but he could still live his life. He still didn't know what to do. He was low on money, stealing was wrong, what? Taking his last moneye finally left the forest to go someplace else, tmaybe he could earn a living as a mercenary.

He wandered from place to place in Mid Santharia, living from the land, to unveal the mystery which surrounded his parents, but as an Eophyrhim he was nowhere welcome. So, meanwhile without any money left, he went back to the Palaelon.

He was 161 when he got back, and was still poor, for the life as a mercenary had not suited him . He had nothing left to do. he stayed there until someone came.

Someone entered the tree and said hello to Xun. "Who are you?" asked Xun. He looked strange - was it an elf at all?. "Someone," the man replied. Obviously he was a silent man. "I knew of your mother, here, though it is long ago that death came to her" the man laid down a sack on the table and left.

Who was that man? Well, he would figure out later. He looked in the sack. It was full of money! But who gave it to him? And why? Well, anyways, he had a lot of money now, and could live his life.

However, he was still sad His mother was already long dead. and he still didn't know who killed her. It could have been a human, and be dead already, or it could've been a elf, and still be alive. either way, he wanted to know. He set out in the forest to find out.

First off, he knew she was killed by armblades, so who had those? Only a few people in his tribe. This was getting him to nowhere, but he still wanted to find out.

He gave up when he was 182, but sadness drove him to looking some more at 193. He was losing the money, but still had quite a bit. He set out of the forest again to search for the killer because he had no success in the forest, when he was 207. He is now still looking for the killer and is 212.

Weapons: A scimitar and a bow.

belongings:

A poison bottle.
A scimitar and scabbard.
A bow and quiver of arrows.
A silver ring from his mother.
A silver necklace from his father.
An armour set.
A silver Clasp aound his neck.
A silver Bracelet on his wrist.

familiars: He was going to get a hound, but when he heard of how his father died, he decided not.


Some capitals now and then, where they are still missing would be nice.
Otherwise - fix it and I give you your first approval, but beware, if I find something you didnt edit! ;)
Btw, the layout with this blue is nice now

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 18, 2006, 01:43:23 PM
... not too sure Talia, blue isn't very good with my sight.

Then, I recomend to be average, I explained my average status by an employment and... of course blue blood:thumbup

But then, you will need to add the adiction to the herbs as a weakness.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 18, 2006, 06:28:23 PM
The blue for the title thingies is ok, you know anyway, what there should be.
And Orril is right, Xun, please add the addition to your herbs as a weakness.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 19, 2006, 12:55:23 AM
aaackk!!! i just adjusted my thread and wen i check there was 2 more posts, well i'll fix that, the herb weakness thingymabobber

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 19, 2006, 01:00:23 AM
I am done!! awaiting comments on my cd:D  maybe get titled:biggrin  

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 19, 2006, 01:15:23 AM
Xun, you know you need two mods approval for titlement right...Well anyway, I just wanted to say, this has come a long way and at a quick glance I can't find anything wrong

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 19, 2006, 01:26:23 AM
well, i am not sure if you NEED 2 mods to approve to get titled, i have seen threads with people getting titled with no mod approvals.

BTW thank you for the cmment of at quick glance nothing is wrong

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 19, 2006, 01:28:23 AM
Xun, if you read the key above and have been reading around, you should have seen that it takes two mods approvals, no matter if they are mods or admins.  Just to clarify

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 19, 2006, 03:37:23 AM
Yes, but who isn't willing to give an approbal? our ladies here are very good, and if they find everything in order you're titled.

And... be patient, I titled five months after strating the CD, you're titling two months or something arround.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on May 19, 2006, 04:57:23 AM
Orril's right.  I was only one month spread across that two week period in which no one was on so no CD's go approved.  As you see, it varies based on the person.

Drasil Razorfang CD



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on May 19, 2006, 05:15:23 AM
Orril, watch your English! Do a spellcheck with EVERY post! I don't give abb-- what was it again?

Xun, checking your Cd..

Edit: Xun, if I take the time to correct your CD, I want you to do ALL proposed corrections, for now these are mostly no proposals, but corrections which are needed to give your CD sense and do it correctly.

Look at your weakness , the is still something wrong.

I give you your first approval - so hurry and fix the last thing!

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 5/18/06 21:23


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 19, 2006, 07:57:23 AM
woohoo!! yippee!!! thank you, Talia, the Shendar!!!:kiss  
Ack gotta go in character. i am not like that, well, who cares? its CD forum.

note to self: CAPITALIZE!!!!! CAP-I-TAL-IZE!!!!

OW!!! note to self: never have a bird on your arm while typing.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns

Edited by: Xun Darkwoe at: 5/19/06 0:02


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 19, 2006, 11:33:23 AM
i am awaiting comments on my CD. and i know you are going to say this, Orril. Patience, Xun, patience.

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Huma Mager on May 19, 2006, 06:33:23 PM
Quick check and didn't find anything wrong hope you get approved soon.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 20, 2006, 12:39:23 AM
Nope, no errors I could catch, wait to the night, Twen will appear surrounded by a sacred fire and will give you the second aprobal.

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Twn Arerwn on May 20, 2006, 02:02:23 AM
~Appears in an aura of sacred fire *More like jogging pants and a tee-shirt*~ "Looks like you have come a long way with this Xun! Very nicely done dear, I give my second approval. So all you need now is for an Admin to handle the final titling and you are good to go."

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: so orril miesefer on May 20, 2006, 02:40:23 AM
Congrat Xun... If I continue doing this future sight, I won't have problems to make my future sight spell.:worship  *Rises an Oracle and sits to wait clients*

What's my magic? My treasure. What's my God? My freedom. My law? the strength and the wind. My mother country the sky So Orril Mis'fer, Sky master.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 20, 2006, 07:46:23 AM
oh thank you everybody, i would like to thank my frineds, the admins, the mods, Talia, Kalina, Twen, Orril, Thorgas, and Huma, let's get this over with.



THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!!!

chaos... destruction... misery... what has happened to me? I can't do this.Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns

Edited by: Xun Darkwoe at: 5/20/06 0:31


Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Huma Mager on May 20, 2006, 09:15:23 AM
What about me.



Title: Re: Xun Darkwoe (new, look at this one!!!)
Post by: Xun Darkwoe on May 20, 2006, 09:30:23 AM
oh sorry.

the trees are my life, the forest my soul. Whomever takes that away will not be tolerated Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns