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Title: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 12, 2013, 05:42:10 PM Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin Introduction Name: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin Gender:29 Years Race:Human Tribe:Erpheronian(Proudman) Occupation:Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith/ Title: Black Paladin Black Paladin He got that title because of his Black and Brazen Full Plate Armor that he never takes off. He also rides a black Kev'Lor warhorse protected with black and brazen armor. His great-sword which he calls the "Valathor" is also color black. Overview: Raevael is a knight of justice if described in a few words. He's gentle, kind, but fearless in battle. Despite his young age he's already considered an adept in swordsmanship specializing the great-sword thus he gained the respect of most if not all of his peers in the order. His iconic black and brazen armor, a golden horned cylindrical helmet and a huge cross shaped great-sword are his trademarks. Appearance Height: One Ped and Two Fores Weight:One Pygge and Eight Hebs Hair Color:Karikrimson Eye Color:Uderza Blue(Uncommon for an Erpheronian) Physical Appearance: Reveniel is a medium built young man with ripped muscles because he never takes off his black full plate armor and slinging his black erpheronian two-handed sword on his back every time, another possible cause is his constant use of his hammer and forge whenever he is repairing his armor or experimenting on various metals. He had a long wavy karikrimson hair that parts in the middle giving him a heart shaped face. His hair reached below his back just above the waist and usually let his hair fall free over his shoulders. He ties his hair in a ponytail fashion in parties and gatherings. His complexion is fair and have angled jaw and a rather sharp chin. Clothing: Reveniel never removes his black and brazen full plate armor with black and brazen cape adorned with brazen colored designs, you would only see him unarmored if he is in his homes safety, taking a bath or repairing his armor. If not in battle you would see him clutching his cylindrical helmet with visor on his right arm and his Great-sword hanging diagonally on his back. On parties, he usually wears traditional erpheronian tunic, but black and brazen in color, thus he is called the Black Paladin by some of his peers. Personality and Abilities Personality: Reveniel is calm and always calculating. He is gentle in mannerisms and he smiles every time to greet a stranger. He is very lonely inside, but he never shows it. He is kind at heart and have a sense of justice. He has time in fixing feuds and local quarrels if it escalated to a degree that someone already got hurt. He is also a Showoff! He likes to look gook on everyone. He never admits it though. Most of all he does not have any confidence in confessing his feelings to a lady, which is most of the time the reason he is always heartbroken During his free time you would see him on his personal forges experimenting various combinations of metals and alloys. If not he would be reading a book either in his home or library of not still he would be sparring on the training grounds. Occasionally he drinks in the local tavern to gather local news, gossips and rumors since he always wanted to know what is happening around. One thing to remember though "Do not insult Armeros while he is around usually he would tolerate other people chanting doctrines of other gods, but to insult Armeros means death to the insulter. Strengths and Weaknesses Strengths: 1. Reveniel is a good swordsman, most of his peers agree that he is gifted with the sword. He can also adjust his fighting style depending on his opponents weapon. Despite that he still has a lot to learn and he is still learning from his uncle from time to time. 2. He has his three throwing hammers strapped in his belt. He uses his hammers to interrupt life-threatening situations, and/or escape. But his favorite use of his hammer is throwing it in the middle of the battle announcing his arrival if he feels like butting in. He have a problem in his aiming though, that is why he needs a clearance of about 1 1/2 peds before throwing it or he'll risk hitting other people around. Since hes quite powerful he can effectively throw a hammer for about 4 to 5 peds. (he usually looks for it after the battle, in case he used it to escape, he makes a replacement.) 3. Reveniel's faith to Armeros is astounding that he would find courage in the most dire situations, situations that most people would falter or waver. No! not him. He believes that Armeros will not ever leave his side as long as his faith is unyielding 4. He is used to battle wearing his full plate armor as if the armor is his second skin. 5. He is a trained blacksmith so he can repair his armor and weapons in case it is damaged. He even can make weapons.(for example, he can make hammers if somehow his hammers are lost.) 6. He have a black kev'lor horse he uses for traveling or in battle. Weaknesses: 1. Reveniel is a very proud man!. He always assume a commanders position in battle and he would rather command than to follow. He always showoff himself and most look down on other people. He often underestimate his companions as well as his enemies putting themselves in danger everytime. He really hate to ask help from the others. 2. This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. It could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease. 3. Another of his weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He panics if that happened. If he does, he is a dead meat. He can punch and kick, but the technique is pathetic. He can use his hammers, but not as effective compared with a sword and most of the time he already threw all three of them. He desparately need help in this situation. 4. Fear of Magic. He has this condition ever since he was a child. When he was young. He was on one their family's travels together. A group of bandits and a mage ambushed their wagon. They wanted to steal every weapon they carry, and the fabled black mithrillan sword. His father gave all of the swords, but he can't provide the fabled sword since it is not with him. They should have been spared, but because of his fathers rather harsh comment, the bandits decided to kill them. One bandit killed his father and his mother was encased in ice by the mage, suffocating her. That memory still haunts him until now. (he is having nightmares of that memory) 5. Though he is a seasoned swordsman he does have a lot of trouble facing someone who is nimble and quick. That is why facing an enemy that uses speed agility and nimbleness agitates him. Most of the times his agitation would lead to his defeat. 7. He may be an excellent warrior, but he's a pathetic outdoorsman. He can set up a camp but he always set up in wrong places(usually near beasts habitat or a place that accidents often occur) He even can't sleep well because his battle insticts never let him sleep. Magic: N/A History: Reveniel came from a humble middle class family living in the City of Nyermersys whose main source of income is smithing. Despite their humble way of life, their family known as The Firesmiths are well-known throughout the northern provinces of Sarvonian Continent. They are also known to possess a black Mithrilan sword that was passed from father to son. It was made to serve as a weapon for a knight of Armeros since Firesmiths are Devotees of Armeros. It was said that it was made when Mithrilan is still adequately abundant and it was made by the first of the Firesmiths, Reveniels distant ancestor. That is the reason that as early as five years old, he is already allowed to help his father in the forge and little by little his father would teach him the ways of how to meld and form the metal. Their family has been smiths for a long time that 10 generations of the family are mostly blacksmiths. Some ventured in military and a few became Knights of Armeros. They all lived in the province of Nermeran. Reveniel father usually travels to other towns and cities to trade weapons or sometimes to deliver them. He would have been another Blacksmith if not for the incident that changed the young paladins life. He was seven years. His family traveled south to Vardynn to deliver 150 swords for a regiment of new soldiers. He was inside the wagon throughout the journey. While in the road they were ambushed by a group of bandits 30 men strong and there was also a wizard with them. They intended to take all the newly forged swords, and his fabled black mithrilan great-sword Valathor which was in the family's possession for ten generations. His father gave them the swords, but he said he cannot give the Valathor because it is not with him, though they may have been spared if not for the rash comment he blurted out that even it is with him he would not surrender Valathor. Later his father and mother were murdered. Reveniel saw his father beheaded and her mother encased in ice and died out of suffocation. He was spared by the bandits though because he's a waste of time. After the incident, he was found by some people in the nearby village and rescued him. He stayed there for about a week until his Uncle picked him up. He he was later adopted by his uncle who is a Knight of the Order of Armeros and lived with him. Even when young his uncle thought him the ways of the sword thus when he was brought to the temple barracks at the age 14 he is already quite adept in using swords. After three years in living and studying inside the temple, his uncle took him as an apprentice for six years they traveled the lands and did noble things. It were those time when he really needs to learn the path of knighthood. His uncle thought him a lot of things that he was not able to teach and because he's not an apprentice yet. His uncle even trained him more in the ways of the sword making him a sword-master before the age 25. It was also the time when he created his Armor he is wearing right now. Since they cannot stay in a place in long periods he created his armor piece by piece. First, it was the Underarmor then the Grieves and Gauntlets. Next the Breastplate and the Spaulders, after that the Tasset with skirt. Later after the second year he started putting designs that lasted him for about 10 months because of the lack of materials and place to work on. On the third year of their wandering he decided to make the helmet and the cape. It took him six months to finish both. He acquired metals by either scavenging for used metals, buy used metallic tools or buy ores (which was the last thing he would consider) He designed the armor to mirror the design of Valathor which was color Black and Brazen with serpents on it When their wandering ended after six years they went back to the temple to gain the approval to the elders so he may become a full pledged Knight of Armeros. They studied him and asked him a lot of questions, but the most striking question is the last question they asked. "Young Lad. we have known your history and everything about your parents. Are you not doing all of this just to satiate your hunger for revenge?" Reveniel was stunned that the elders were able to read him. See things that he tried to hide for the past nine years, so he needs to be very careful in answering because his answer hold his future if he will become a knight or no "Yes I may be yearning for revenge, for I am only human and would have emotions, but that's important anymore. During my travels with my uncle I have gained a new reason, a new resolve" He replied. "And what would that be young lad?" one of the elders asked. "That is to make sure the thing happened to me will not happen anymore. I'll make sure that the children of sarvonia will not suffer as I did when I was young." he replied with utmost resolve. The elders smiled, and all of them nodding one by one, for his answer is the answer they wanted to hear from him. The elders approved him and allowed him to pray in the temple for one night to ask for Armeros favor and guide. The next morning, just after he went outside the elders congratulated him and welcomed as a new knight of the order. Just after a week he got his first mission, with a seasoned knight with him and a couple of clerics, they set to find the former mage that was said to practice necromancy. It took them about a week to reach the mages underground hideout. Inside you would see tables with cadavers of all sorts. There were fresh dead bodies and there are also skeletons which have a little flesh left clinging to the bones. You would see about 10 servants rushing back and forth. In the center there was the mage chanting some spell on a body of a dead young lady. "We are the Heralds of Armeros my Brethren! we will strike Divine Judgement upon this wretched souls. Do not falter for Armeros is with us." He shouted. His companion replied with a war cry. Two of them charged at him. Then, the servants Drew their blade to clash with the two knights. The two clerics with their faith to armeros cast spells to assist the two knights in combat. The servants provide a little resistance for the two knights are sword-masters and the mages servants are not, but it was all the Evil Mage needs to cast a spell that would mean death to the knights. After a few seconds, a bolt of Thunder erupted in the mages hand shooting towards Reveniel. The elder knight saw this and suddenly pushed him out of the harms way. The elder knight died because of that deed. While Reveniel is still contemplating about what happened. One of the servants stabbed him just at the right side of his stomach. The blade went through the weak spot in the armor just above the belt. This made him weak, so weak that he cannot lift his sword anymore Now, the two knights incapacitated its is up to the two clerics to finish the job, but the Evil mage proves to be a powerful one. They started to falter and loose faith. The mage smiled sinisterly and suddenly approached the two cleric who is still having a hard time chanting their prayers. "This cannot happen!" he said unto himself. He grabbed one of his hammers in his belt and threw it to the mage. The mage saw the hammer flying towards his head and barely evaded it. He picked up his second hammer and threw it at him again, but the mage is already prepared and evaded it easily. He threw his last and aimed at the body, but still the mage was able to evade it. "The clerics are no problem anymore. This knight over here, needs to die first" then the mage started chanting a spell that would definitely kill him. He has no weapon anymore for all of the hammers are lying in the ground somewhere here. His life is slowly draining for the blood keeps of pouring out of his wound. The servants are laughing their hearts out because of the obvious victory they tasted. This would be his last moment Reveniel considered. But he could not die yet. On his last moments as a living person he prayed to Armeros with all his self and all of his faith Facing death for the first time, he prayed with all his heart and soul to Armeros to save him and because to his unwavering belief in the god of War and Justice, it gave him the strength to swing his sword one more time.[/color] The tides of battle turned towards their favor, when the Mage's arm was cut who is right now howling in pain. The servants were surprised because of the sudden twist of favor. Reveniel perceived this as Armeros direct intervention to save him and the clerics. He cried with so much happiness while he shouted his warcry. The clerics with renewed vigor and faith prayed while he successfully drove his great-sword unto the mage's gut, killing him. His companions roared in triumph and started chanting his name after he harsh yet victorious battle. He suddenly became famous within the order because of his Miraculous Victory on his first errant, Later he was given the title of Paladin of Armeros by the Order honoring his Unwavering faith. Accessories Weapon: 1. Valathor: Black Two-Handed Great-sword with Bronze lining and details. (About 2 peds in length:1 1/2 ped for the blade and 1/2 ped for the hilt) It is made up of mithrilan, but somehow the maker of the sword was able to give it a black metallic coating outside The purpose of creating the sword black was to hide it real value since mithrillan is a very rate type of metal, but some swordsman who survived the wrath of the sword would definitely see the difference of the sword from the sword they used). The sword was originally designed to serve Armeros since the Firesmiths are Armeros's Devotees. The Base of the blade is 6 nailsbreadth in width and will slowly get thinner while it is nearing the tip the narrowest part is about 5 nailsbreadth in width and would suddenly form a diamond shape tip at the end the diamond tip is 6 naildbreadth win width. Between the blade it has a bronze line tracing from the base of the blade up to the diamond tip. The cross-guard is about one fore in length and is adorned by bronze serpent design that the two heads meet in the middle of the cross-guard. The hilt and grip is of the same fashion. It has a bronze serpents design spiraling through the whole length of the hilt and the two heads would meet at the end of the hilt. His sword has a black leather carrier that has straps over his shoulders and under his arms (Works like a nap sack) the Leather sword carrier carries the sword diagonally so his feet can swing freely when walking or running. (It is inspired of how Dante of "Devil May Cry" sling his sword on his back. 2. Throwing Hammers x3: these black hammers are strapped at the right side of his belt. He is using this generally to interrupt a casting mage or wizard, or to throw it in the middle of the battle if he wants to butt in. Belongings: 1. Reveniels Armor Set of the Black Zealot- It is his Black Full Plate Armor with bronze linings and bronze engravings that shaped like a serpents body. One of his distinguishing designs is the armors high collar. The collar would reach his cheekbone if he does not wear the helmet. His helmet is of cylindrical in shape, it has a diamond shaped visor with slits or opening that shaped like a huge letter T, he can raise his visor and it will reveal his face. You can also see a protruding golden horn at the top of the helmet and a crest that looks like a huge brush. Its pauldrons or shoulder armors are rather round in shape, but it is made of metals sheets that are somehow stacked together. It has also brazen lining and a bronze serpent design. Its cape is of the same color as well black with light brown linings and snake designs, Armeros Coat of arms can also be seen at the cape. It's skirt colored black and have brazen colored linings and snake designs, the skirt got two slits so that his legs can freely swing forward. Armeros Coat of Arms can be seen engraved at the armors chest. Its made of the same material used in Burning Cross. 2. Valathor 3. Throwing Hammers x3 4. A necklace with a black cross pendant (a memento from his mother) 5. A List of the Orders most wanted Evil men/creature (a bingo book) 6. Various Potions for healing 7. Map (Note these are his belongings that he can't leave the house without. He does have more belongings at his humble quarters in the temple and at his home.) Familiars: He only got one Familiar, a Black Kev'Lor Horse he named Blackfire (Black is uncommon for the horse breed Kev'Lor) During his travels to the north with his Uncle, which is also his mentor. They encountered a herd of fleeing Giant Horses, theres a newborn faun is struggling to run with the herd, but obviusly he cannot keep-up. With his uncles suggestion, Raevael took the young faun and posed as a surrogate parent and companion. Now you would see it clad in Black and Brazen armor and black and light brown skirt to match his riders armor. In times that Reveniel is in danger. Blackfire can bring him to safety and escape his enemies without directions. Blackfire can usually bring him to the nearest town or inn. If they are really far away from the civilization, Blackfire would go to someplace his enemies cannot find them. Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Kareesh Valendar on January 15, 2013, 04:01:53 AM Hello, Raevael, and welcome to Santharia. Sorry it's taken me a bit to get to you, but it's been a bit crazy around here. Let's take a look at your CD, shall we? My comments will be in the lovely color of lime green
Sir Raevael the Fireswinger Introduction Name: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger Gender:25 Years Race:Human Tribe:Erpheronian(Proudman) Occupation:Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith/Adventurer Title:Fireswinger. He got that title during one of his deeds in slaying an evil wizard. While in battle, he prayed for Armeros to bless his sword to effectively kill his opponent, with his tremendous faith in Armeros, the sword he call the "Sablecross" was lit ablaze. Thus burning the evil wizard to ashes. Since then his fellow knights in the order called it "The Burning Cross" I'm going to have to talk to someone more knowledgeable about the magic system of Caelreth about this. Also, it would be great if you put a space between these topics. Not necessary, but makes it a bit easier on the eyes. Overview: Raevael is a knight of justice if described in a few words. He's gentle, kind but fearless in batlle. Despite of his young age he's already considered a swordmaster and mastering the greatsword thus he gained the respect of most if not all of his peers in the order. His iconic black and brazen armor, a golden horned cylindrical helmet and a huge cross shaped great-sword are his trademarks. Appearance Height: Two Peds and One Fore (6 feet and 33 inches) Weight:One Pygge and Eight Hebs (180 pounds) Hair Color:Karikrimson (Blood Red) Eye Color:Uderza Blue (Deep Blue) Physical Appearance: Raevael is a medium built young man with ripped muscles because he is wearing his black full plate armor and slinging his black erpheronian 2 handed sword on his back everytime, another possible cause is his constant use of his hammer and forge when he is either repairing his armor or experimenting on various metals. He had a long karikrimson hair that parts in the middle giving him a heart shaped face, his hair reached below his back, just above the waist , and usually let his hair fall free over his shoulders, but he ties it in a ponytail fashion in parties and gatherings. His complexion is fair and he have angled jaw and a rather sharp chin. Run through this section with a grammar check. You switch between tenses a couple of times and some of the sentences are hard to understand, mainly the first one. Clothing: Raevael never removes his black and brazen full plate armor, except if he is sleeping, in his homes safety, taking a bath or repairing his armor. If not in battle you would see him clutching his Cylindrical helmet on his right arm and his Great-sword hanging diagonally on his back. On parties he usually wear traditional erpheronian tunic but black and brazen in color, thus he is called the Black Paladin by some of his peers. Personality and Abilities Personality: Raevael is Calm and always calculating, though gentle in mannerisms, He smiles every time to greet a stranger,He is very lonely inside but he never show it. He is kind at heart and have a sense of justice, he always have time in fixing feuds and local quarrels if it escalated to a degree that someone already got hurt. During his free time you would see him on his personal forges experimenting various combinations of metals and alloys, if not he would be reading a book either in his home or library of not still he would be sparring on the training grounds. Occasionally he drinks in the local tavern to gather local news, gossips and rumors, since he always wanted to know what is happening around. One thing to remember though "Do not insult Armeros while he is around usually he would tolerate other people chanting doctrines of other gods, but to insult Armeros means death to the insulter. Strengths and Weaknesses Strengths: 1. Raevael is an exceptional sword master, only a few in the order can match his prowress in the sword. He can also adjust his fighting style depending on his opponents weapon. If he encountered a mage in case, his only defense is his 3 throwing hammers to interrupt the spellcasting. 2.Being a paladin he's a rough combination between a warrior and a cleric so he can also wield clerical magic. he did have some lessons in clerical magic but he does not have a proper training with it. His two clerical spells are a result of his utmost devotion to Armeros. 3.Wearing his specially crafted black full plate armor. He is really though 4.Being a bookworm provides him information in dire situations. his general knowledge and lore saved him many times. 5.He's has also enough knowledge in first aid and Herbology it terms of healing. 6.He has an ability to somehow withstand magic attacks. It does not mean he's immune to it but he can survive powerful magic spell that a normal man would have died for, though it will leave him weak if not severly damaged. Any mage who met him would likely cast a powerful spell at first sight of him. Weaknesses: 1.He just cant hit a woman. Whatver her deal is he cant hit a woman. usually he leaves the battle if he fights a woman. most women would think of as him being a gentleman but to some women that would be an insult which put him to mortal danger many times 2.He dont like working with other people. he usually do things alone wether a mission on a faraway land or a certain prodject he wants to finish. He usually end up fighting hordes of enemies in his line of work thus being a loner is defenitly not an advantage 3. This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. it could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease. 4. His greatest weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He do have clerical magic but he can only cast it with his sword. Raevael spent all of his training in the arts of the sword, thus that is the only known method of fighting. He can punch and kick but the technique is pathetic. In this situation he desperately need help or he would die. Magic: Raevael had a few lessons in Clerical Magic while on the temple of Armeros, thus granting him to call forth flames. His Great faith with the god Armeros allows him to channel fire into his sword (Blessing the Sword) thus giving his sword an extra fire damage in every swing. (Clerical Magic: Fire Level Three) 1.Armeros' Edge - Summons immense bright fire into his swords giving him extra burning damage. 2.Armeros' Cloak - This is his desperate spell. He will engulf himself with fire. Damaging anything near him within 2 peds in diameter. but this spell is so taxing as well as dangerous to him. It would only last for a minute though. (He only tried it once to check how long could he last, it seems he can only last for a minute in this state. After that he never use it yet) History History: Raevael came from a humble middle class family living in the City of Nyermersys whose main source of income is smithing. Despite of their humble way of life their family known as The Firesmiths are well-known all throughout the northern provinces of Sarvonian Continent. As early as five years old, he is already allowed to help his father in the forge and little by little his father would teach him the ways of how to meld and form the metal. Their family has been smiths for a long time, that 10 generations of the family are mostly blacksmiths. They lived in the provice of Nermeran. Raevaels father usually travels to other towns and cities to trade weapons or sometimes to deliver them. He would have been another Blacksmith if not for the incident that changed the young paladins life. He was 7 years old. his family traveled south to Vardynn to deliver 150 swords for a regiment of new soldiers. He was inside the wagon all throughout the journey. while in the road they were ambushed by a group of bandits 30 men strong and there was also a wizard with them. They intended to take all the newly forged swords but his father resisted resulting in the murder of his family. Raevael saw his father beheaded and her mother encased in ice and died out of suffocation. he was spared by the bandits though because he's a waste of time. He swore to himself when he grows up, he will become a warrior and he will hunt those evil creatures who killed his parents. After the incident he was adopted by his uncle who is a Knight of the Order of Armeros and lived with him. From then on his uncle thought him of Armeros' doctrines and he also thought him how to wield a sword, that's why at the age of 14 he is already adept in using swords. All of his years in the order he learned the ways of the sword and his doctrines. During those times also he began experimenting on metals, his guide was his old grandfathers notebook, it has information about how to forge metals, the metals properties, how to smith them and where to find it. At the age 20 he got his first mission together with his class. they are about to hunt and kill the evil wizard who experiments with the dead. Accompanied by newly elected Clerics of Armeros they faced this wizard. The wizard proves to be powerful though and the new Knights and Clerics trembled in fear when he killed 5 Knights using Lightning summoned from the sky. The clerics could not cast because of fear and the knights are afraid to attack. the senior knights however is struggling to subdue the wizard. He became angry to his peers because of their lack of faith. "You call yourselves Knights and Clerics of Armeros! you are like cowardly dogs hiding in their masters feet! Pathetic!" He shouted. After that He stepped forward and raised his Newly forged Sablecross, while looking above. Summoning all of himself and all of his faith to Armeros he shouted. "Oh! Armeros Armourlord! I pray to thee. Bless the sword of thy servant to smite thine enemies!" Right after the little prayer, the swords blade burst in a very bright fire. All the people around stopped and marveled the beautiful fire in the blade of Sablecross. "My sword has been Blessed. Armeros judged thee!" he said to the Wizard while pointing the tip of the Burning sword to him "You shall die in the Burning Cross!" he finished then he charged at the wizard. the wizard cast a lightning bolt directly at Raevael. Raevael was strucked but after a few moments he still stood up and charged him. the wizard was bewildered of the scene. He should be killed by that bolt of lightning. It's too late for the wizard though when he noticed Raevael has already stabbed him by his Burning sword and slowly burned to death. Huge wall of text. Please break this up into paragraphs so it's easier on the eyes to read. Accessories Weapon: 1. Sablecross (dubbed Burning Cross by his peers): Black Two Handed Great-sword with Bronze lining and details.(About 2 peds in length:1 1/2 ped for the blade and 1/2 ped for the hilt) The metal used for the sword is a special steel alloy which is the product of his familys research. He used powdered dragon fangs and horns in the creation of the metal. thus giving it the black hue and its hardiness and flexibility. It is not as hard as mithril but its harder than most metals thus giving him an advantage because the sword will not break easily. The Base of the blade is 6 nailsbreadth in width and will slowly get thinner while it is nearing the tip the narrowest part is about 5 nailsbreadth in width and would suddenly form a diamond shape tip at the end the diamond tip is 6 naildbreadth win width. Between the blade it has a bronze line tracing from the base of the blade up to the diamond tip. The crossguard is about one fore in length and is adorned by bronze serpent design that the two heads meet the the middle of the crossguard. the hilt and grip is of the same fashion. it has a bronze serpents design spiraling through the whole length of the hilt and the two heads would meet at the end of the hilt. 2.Throwing Hammers x3: these hammers are strapped at the right side of his belt. He is using this generally to interrupt a casting mage or wizard. When not in battle, he is using this to hunt wild game, and he is good at it. If he is good at throwing hammers, then this should also be in his strengths. Belongings: 1. Raevaels Armorset of the Black Zealot- It is his Black Full Plate Armor with bronze linings and bronze engravings that shaped like a serpents body. One of his distiguishing designs is its high collar. The collar would reach his cheekbone if he does not wear the helmet. His helmet is of cylindrical in shape, it has a visor with slits or opening that shaped like a huge letter T, you can also see a protruding golden horn at the top of the helmet . Its cape is of the same color as well black with light brown linings and snake designs, Armeros Coat of arms can also be seen at the cape. It's skirt colored black and have brazen colored linings and snake designs, the skirt have two slits so that his legs can freely swing forward. Armeros Coat of Arms can be seen engraved at the armors chest. its made of the same material used in Sablecross. 2. Sablecross 3. Throwing Hammers x3 4. A necklace with a grayish cross pendant (a piece of artifact that have been passed on through their familys generations. it is said that it protects the bearer from magic) 5. A vial of Rosemint oil (for his Strangling Disease) 6. Various Books for Killing time 7. Various Potions for healing 8. Various Herbs for healing 9. Bandages 10.Map 11.Various Breads for eating while traveling.(he usually buy bread before leaving if he spent a night at the inn.) (Note these are his belongings that he cant leave the house without. He does have more belongings at his humble quarters in the temple and at his home.) Familiars: He only got one Familiar, His Dark Unicorn. This Unicorn most of the people say is a bastard of nature. It appears to be a hybrid of the fabled Unicorn and the Black Unicorn Apparition. The Dark Unicorn have the every characteristics of the Black Unicorn minus the claws, the fangs and the red eyes. It has instead a golden pair of eyes, golden horn(about 1 ped in length) and a golden mane. This magnificent beast is as tall as any black unicorn but the legs are rather large, despite of that this beast runs faster than any horses in Southern Sarvonia. Raevael said this unicorn was shunned away by his mother since its color is different, as a young newborn faun he was left at the forest to die. he rescued it and took care for it. now you would see it clad in Black and Brazen armor and black and light brown skirt to match his riders armor. but beware this unicorn's horn can pierce armour and it has the same ferocity of the black unicorn so it can take care of itself. Raevael calls him "Blackfire!". In times that raevael is in danger.Blackfire can bring him to safety and escape his enemies without directions. Blackfire can usually bring him to the nearest town or inn. If they are really far away from the civilization, Blackfire would go to someplace his enemies cannot find them. I have huge reservations about the unicorn. It's a mythological creature, which means people aren't sure if they exist or not. I'll bring this up with the rest of the mods and see what they say about it. In closing, you really need to go through your whole CD and do a grammar check. There were sentences that were ended in commas, sentences that didn't make sense, and tenses which kept changing from past to present and back again. Again, I'm going to have to check with someone else about the paladin thing. Changing your icon back to the pencil. Feel free to work on the grammar while I grab someone else to take a gander at your CD. :) Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 15, 2013, 01:26:37 PM Thanks a lot! I have made an initial revision, I admit though I am weak particularly on punctuation marks and tenses.
No problem though I'll be working on this for a little but longer. thanks a lot Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 15, 2013, 09:56:27 PM 'Looks' definitely good now, much better and more inviting to read :) I'll go over the content this afternoon, stay tuned!
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 16, 2013, 02:01:58 AM Hello Sir Raevael, I will go mostly over the 'clerical' parts of your CD. Please read Kareesh‘s comments also.
Quote Sir Raevael the Fireswinger Introduction Name: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger Gender:25 Years Race:Human Tribe:Erpheronian(Proudman) Occupation:Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith/Adventurer Title: Fireswinger. He got that title during one of his deeds in slaying an evil wizard. While in battle, he prayed for Armeros to bless his sword to effectively kill his opponent, with his tremendous faith in Armeros, the sword he call the "Sablecross" was lit ablaze. Thus burning the evil wizard to ashes. Since then his fellow knights in the order called it "The Burning Cross" First: The Clerical magic which is on the site is out of date and the newer one is not yet developed, so you cannot use it, as you don't know, how to use it ;) Basically I'm ok with your sentence and will propose to the mods, that you are allowed to have your title due to this event. Your sword is named "The Burning Cross" - isn't just the blade aflame? To be on the safe side, let me reformulate your first sentence: He got that title because of his first great deed, killing an evil wizard in a tough fight. While in battle, he prayed for Armeros to bless his sword to help him kill his opponent, with his tremendous faith in Armeros, the sword he calls "Sablecross" was lit ablaze. A sword, even if a sword looks like it is ablaze, or even is ablaze, I would say you still slash your enemy with it, not burn him, though he might have some burned skinn afterwards. I‘m personally always a bit hesitant in using cross in connection with a sword AND a paladin, to much reminds me of the Christian faith and the crusades especially - and I don‘t want such connectons drawn here in Santharia, but that maybe just me. Quote Overview: Raevael is a knight of justice if described in a few words. He's gentle, kind but fearless in batlle. Despite of his young age he's already considered a swordmaster and mastering the greatsword thus he gained the respect of most if not all of his peers in the order. His iconic black and brazen armor, a golden horned cylindrical helmet and a huge cross shaped great-sword are his trademarks. Where from did you get the money to buy such excellent armour and sword? Even if your uncle is a Knight of Armeros, he does not necessarily have the money. More in your history section Quote Appearance Height: Two Peds and One Fore (6 feet and 33 inches) Definitely too tall: the average Erpheronian is about 1.85 peds in height So, even if you are tall, you cannot be this tall, or do you have a troll in your anchestry ? ;) Quote Weight:One Pygge and Eight Hebs (180 pounds) Common eye colours are brown, grey or green (entry) - you can have blue eyes, but then you should mention it as being special, or uncommon for an Erpheronian.[/color]Hair Color:Karikrimson (Blood Red) Eye Color:Uderza Blue (Deep Blue) Quote Physical Appearance: Raevael is a medium built young man with ripped muscles because he is wearing his black full plate armor and slinging his black erpheronian 2 handed sword on his back everytime, another possible cause is his constant use of his hammer and forge when he is either repairing his armor or experimenting on various metals. He had a long karikrimson hair that parts in the middle giving him a heart shaped face. His hair reached below his back just above the waist and usually let his hair fall free over his shoulders. He ties his hair in a ponytail fashion in parties and gatherings. His complexion is fair and he have angled jaw and a rather sharp chin. Clothing: Raevael never removes his black and brazen full plate armor, except if he is sleeping, in his homes safety, taking a bath or repairing his armor. If not in battle you would see him clutching his Cylindrical helmet on his right arm and his Great-sword hanging diagonally on his back. On parties he usually wear traditional erpheronian tunic but black and brazen in color, thus he is called the Black Paladin by some of his peers. The cloak is missing Personality and Abilities Quote Personality: Raevael is Calm and always calculating. He is gentle in mannerisms and he smiles every time to greet a stranger. He is very lonely inside but he never show it. He is kind at heart and have a sense of justice. He always have time in fixing feuds and local quarrels if it escalated to a degree that someone already got hurt. During his free time you would see him on his personal forges experimenting various combinations of metals and alloys. If not he would be reading a book either in his home or library of not still he would be sparring on the training grounds. Occasionally he drinks in the local tavern to gather local news, gossips and rumors, since he always wanted to know what is happening around. One thing to remember though "Do not insult Armeros while he is around usually he would tolerate other people chanting doctrines of other gods, but to insult Armeros means death to the insulter. Quote Strengths and Weaknesses Strengths: 1. Raevael is an exceptional sword master, only a few in the order can match his prowress in the sword. He can also adjust his fighting style depending on his opponents weapon. 2. If he encountered a mage in case, He use his 3 throwing hammers to interrupt the spellcasting. If not in battle he is using it to hunt wild game. 3.Being a paladin he's a rough combination between a warrior and a cleric so he can also wield clerical magic. he did have some lessons in clerical magic but he does not have a proper training with it. His two clerical spells are a result of his utmost devotion to Armeros. Which would be what kind of spells? Sorry, clerical magic does not know spells, nor does one ,wield‘ clerical magic. As I said above, you can not use it, as it is not fully developed yet 4.Wearing his specially crafted black full plate armor. He is really though 5.Being a bookworm provides him information in dire situations. his general knowledge and lore saved him many times. 6.He's has also enough knowledge in first aid and Herbology it terms of healing. 7.He has an ability to somehow withstand magic attacks. It does not mean he's immune to it but he can survive powerful magic spell that a normal man would have died for, though it will leave him weak if not severly damaged. Any mage who met him would likely cast a powerful spell at first sight of him. Why that? Just because of his massive body? Caelerethian magic does not work like that Weaknesses: 1.He just cant hit a woman. Whatver her deal is he cant hit a woman. usually he leaves the battle if he fights a woman. most women would think of as him being a gentleman but to some women that would be an insult which put him to mortal danger many times Ermm, sorry, can‘t think of a situation in which he would die, he can always run away, protect himself, whatever. Even IF such a situation could occur once or twice, it is not a weakness, if it affects him not every day. 2.He dont like working with other people. he usually do things alone wether a mission on a faraway land or a certain prodject he wants to finish. He usually end up fighting hordes of enemies in his line of work thus being a loner is defenitly not an advantage He is only 25, how many missions would he have accomplished? Is he not forced to work with others, if ordered by his authorities? And why should it be a weakness, if he is able to travel alone? Quote This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. it could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease. That is inded a severy weakness for a paladin. What do your authorities say? Quote The clerics, however, believe that the Strangling is a punishment imposed on those wicked of spirit to keep them from saying lies, that the more they try to lie the more they will wheeze and fight for breath. The clerics seem to believe that the immediate confession of any lies that have been told during the day will relieve the strangling attacks and the only way to cure the disease itself is for the patient to simply stop lying. (Compendium)His greatest weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He do have clerical magic but he can only cast it with his sword. Raevael spent all of his training in the arts of the sword, thus that is the only known method of fighting. He can punch and kick but the technique is pathetic. In this situation he desperately need help or he would die. What about his three axes? As said before, no cleric magic, especially no casting^^ It is no weakness, because an average person would be as helpless as you are Quote Magic: Raevael had a few lessons in Clerical Magic while on the temple of Armeros, thus granting him to call forth flames. His Great faith with the god Armeros allows him to channel fire into his sword (Blessing the Sword) thus giving his sword an extra fire damage in every swing. (Clerical Magic: Fire Level Three) 1.Armeros' Edge - Summons immense bright fire into his swords giving him extra burning damage. 2.Armeros' Cloak - This is his desperate spell. He will engulf himself with fire. Damaging anything near him within 2 peds in diameter. but this spell is so taxing as well as dangerous to him. It would only last for a minute though. (He only tried it once to check how long could he last, it seems he can only last for a minute in this state. After that he never use it yet) Hey, you made these spells up, that is not possible , sorry. They don‘t even exist on the outdated entry. Let‘s talk about what is possible for you at the end, ok? History Quote History: Raevael came from a humble middle class family living in the City of Nyermersys whose main source of income is smithing. Despite of their humble way of life their family known as The Firesmiths are well-known all throughout the northern provinces of Sarvonian Continent. As early as five years old, he is already allowed to help his father in the forge and little by little his father would teach him the ways of how to meld and form the metal. Their family has been smiths for a long time, that 10 generations of the family are mostly blacksmiths. They lived in the provice of Nermeran. Raevaels father usually travels to other towns and cities to trade weapons or sometimes to deliver them. He would have been another Blacksmith if not for the incident that changed the young paladins life. Quote He was 7 years old. his family traveled south to Vardynn to deliver 150 swords for a regiment of new soldiers. He was inside the wagon all throughout the journey. while in the road they were ambushed by a group of bandits 30 men strong and there was also a wizard with them. They intended to take all the newly forged swords but his father resisted resulting in the murder of his family. Raevael saw his father beheaded and her mother encased in ice and died out of suffocation. he was spared by the bandits though because he's a waste of time. He swore to himself when he grows up, he will become a warrior and he will hunt those evil creatures who killed his parents. And how did he get home and to his uncle?Quote After the incident he was adopted by his uncle who is a Knight of the Order of Armeros and lived with him. From then on his uncle thought him of Armeros' doctrines and he also thought him how to wield a sword, that's why at the age of 14 he is already adept in using swords. Do you have read the entry about the Order of Armeros? I thought you had with the cloak thing at the end. I don‘t find anything about his apprenticeship and how he became a fully Knight of Armeros. I don‘t think, you can speak of a ,class‘ either.All of his years in the order he learned the ways of the sword and his doctrines. During those times also he began experimenting on metals, his guide was his old grandfathers notebook, it has information about how to forge metals, the metals properties, how to smith them and where to find it Quote The chosen ones then live for three years in the barracks of the temple to learn the basics of combat and many other useful things they will need in a knight's life. After the three years they're appointed to an elder member of the Order as apprentice and then wander six years through the lands to learn the path of a Knight of Armeros. After these six years and after the approval of the elder members one may become a fullworthy knight by praying one night in the temple for Armeros' favour to guide one's decisions. (Compendium)Quote At the age 20 he got his first mission together with his class. they are about to hunt and kill the evil wizard who experiments with the dead. Accompanied by newly elected Clerics of Armeros they faced the wizard. The wizard proves to be powerful though and the new Knights and Clerics trembled in fear when he killed 5 Knights using Lightning summoned from the sky. The clerics could not cast because of fear and the knights are afraid to attack. the senior knights however is struggling to subdue the wizard. He became angry to his peers because of their lack of faith. Again, no class, you should be travelling with your mentor. Quote "You call yourselves Knights and Clerics of Armeros! you are like cowardly dogs hiding in their masters feet! Pathetic!" He shouted. After that He stepped forward and raised his Newly forged Sablecross, while looking above. Summoning all of himself and all of his faith to Armeros he shouted. "Oh! Armeros Armourlord! I pray to thee. Bless the sword of thy servant to smite thine enemies!" Right after the little prayer, the swords blade burst in a very bright fire. All the people around stopped and marveled the beautiful fire in the blade of Sablecross. "My sword has been Blessed. Armeros judged thee!" he said to the Wizard while pointing the tip of the Burning sword to him "You shall die in the Burning Cross!" he finished then he charged at the wizard. the wizard cast a lightning bolt directly at Raevael. Raevael was strucked but after a few moments he still stood up and charged him. the wizard was bewildered of the scene. He should be killed by that bolt of lightning. It's too late for the wizard though when he noticed Raevael has already stabbed him by his Burning sword and slowly burned to death. Frankly, you are not only totally overpowered, but you seem to be a bit bigheaded also. The way you describe the battle - all are cowards, the newly elected Knights and only the senior and you, still a mere apprentice (with no armour yet, I would say) are left to fight the wizard? Come on, that‘s laughable. There is no way you can write such stuff in a story. In addition, I doubt, that the there would be an expedition to find that wizard. With him surely the local authorities have dealt already. What I could think of is, that you for yourself a looking, if that bastard does still live. Quote Accessories Weapon: Sablecross (dubbed Burning Cross by his peers): Black Two Handed Great-sword with Bronze lining and details.(About 2 peds in length:1 1/2 ped for the blade and 1/2 ped for the hilt) The metal used for the sword is a special steel alloy which is the product of his familys research. How do you carry that? Quote He used powdered dragon fangs and horns in the creation of the metal. thus giving it the black hue and its hardiness and flexibility. It is not as hard as mithril but its harder than most metals thus giving him an advantage because the sword will not break easily. Why do you need this? It is another unecessary strength, would skip that. If you want a better sword, buy orbetter inherit one with mithrilan. Quote The Base of the blade is 6 nailsbreadth in width and will slowly get thinner while it is nearing the tip the narrowest part is about 5 nailsbreadth in width and would suddenly form a diamond shape tip at the end the diamond tip is 6 naildbreadth win width. Between the blade it has a bronze line tracing from the base of the blade up to the diamond tip. The crossguard is about one fore in length and is adorned by bronze serpent design that the two heads meet the the middle of the crossguard. the hilt and grip is of the same fashion. it has a bronze serpents design spiraling through the whole length of the hilt and the two heads would meet at the end of the hilt. That‘s good! Though I don‘t know enough of swords, but the serpent is good, if serpent can be taken for viper. Quote 2.Throwing Hammers x3: these hammers are strapped at the right side of his belt. He is using this generally to interrupt a casting mage or wizard. When not in battle, he is using this to hunt wild game, and he is good at it. With 25 and barely finished with his apprentiship, where the hell did he have the opportunity in peaceful Santharia to find so many evil mages? Quote Belongings: Oh yes, here they come, the vipers! 1. Raevaels Armorset of the Black Zealot- It is his Black Full Plate Armor with bronze linings and bronze engravings that shaped like a serpents body. One of his distiguishing designs is its high collar. The collar would reach his cheekbone if he does not wear the helmet. His helmet is of cylindrical in shape, it has a visor with slits or opening that shaped like a huge letter T, you can also see a protruding golden horn at the top of the helmet . Its cape is of the same color as well black with light brown linings and snake designs, Armeros Coat of arms can also be seen at the cape. It's skirt colored black and have brazen colored linings and snake designs, the skirt have two slits so that his legs can freely swing forward. Armeros Coat of Arms can be seen engraved at the armors chest. its made of the same material used in Sablecross. Quote 2. Sablecross Skip this, you are anyway too overpowered.3. Throwing Hammers x3 A necklace with a grayish cross pendant (a piece of artifact that have been passed on through their familys generations. it is said that it protects the bearer from magic) Quote 5. A vial of Rosemint oil (for his Strangling Disease) Various Books for Killing time Hu?? Quote 7. Various Potions for healing And how does he carry all this stuff? No underwear?? ;)8. Various Herbs for healing 9. Bandages 10.Map 11.Various Breads for eating while traveling.(he usually buy bread before leaving if he spent a night at the inn.) (Note these are his belongings that he cant leave the house without. He does have more belongings at his humble quarters in the temple and at his home.) Quote Familiars: He only got one Familiar, His Dark Unicorn named Blackfire. This Unicorn most of the people say is a bastard of nature. It appears to be a hybrid of the fabled Unicorn and the Black Unicorn Apparition. The Dark Unicorn have the every characteristics of the Black Unicorn minus the claws, the fangs and the red eyes. It has instead a golden pair of eyes, golden horn(about 1 ped in length) and a golden mane. This magnificent beast is as tall as any black unicorn but the legs are rather large, despite of that this beast runs faster than any horses in Southern Sarvonia. Raevael said this unicorn was shunned away by his mother since its color is different, as a young newborn faun he was left at the forest to die. he rescued it and took care for it. now you would see it clad in Black and Brazen armor and black and light brown skirt to match his riders armor. Beware it though, this unicorn's horn can pierce armour and it has the same ferocity of the black unicorn so it can take care of itself. In times that Raevael is in danger.Blackfire can bring him to safety and escape his enemies without directions. Blackfire can usually bring him to the nearest town or inn. If they are really far away from the civilization, Blackfire would go to someplace his enemies cannot find them. Quote I‘m sorry to say that, but you can‘t have that unicor. a normal unicorn is mythical, if you would have one, it would not be mythical anymore A black unicorn is an apparition, therefore nothing you can catch A mixture of both is not possible You can‘t make up a new beast on the RP board (but this one would be not approved anyway) Take a nice Kev‘lor e.g., if you want to be quite big with many muscles. Sir Raevael, your main problem is, that you are totally overpowered. You are near, what is called a Mary Sue or Marty Stue. You not only need to balance your char, you need to tone it down also. The disease is the only real weakness you have, that‘s not enough. Grammar and spell checking still lack a lot! Clerical abilities. None, I‘d say, but I give you one special ability: As you as a paladin of Armeros will belief strongly in him (I suppose?) , the god may look with favour upon you, when you in dire need and praying with all your might - and with a humble attitude (no naming your fellows cowards..) and will set your sword ablaze. You still need to hack and slash, I would prefer that there are no burnings, but that this holy fire has a different qualitiy. But this sword encased in flames will do what a paladin of Armeros is meant to be able to do (from the partly outdated entry) Quote a) Armerosian Clerics (Clerical Magic, compendium)Armerosian (ar-mer-oss-ian) Clerics are blessed with the power to invoke patriotism and strength during a battle or fight. The most beneficial clerics to any travelling party, a country may summon thousands of Armerosian clerics to invoke Armeros' might into the troops. The goal of these clerics is to win honorably. Honor is very important to them and they are steadfast in what they believe to be right. That. And only that you can find on the site, but it is a strong gift! You can use it in your play. Your sword with fire can help you with that. Don't forget, that doubts will also come to you! No time to give you more advise, how to develop your char, but - have fun to do a proper, strong human, who everybody can admire. Some hints you can find here also: http://eu.battle.net/wow/en/forum/topic/2583878529 Note: In my texts may be some spelling errors also, but it was too much work to correct all in this text with my spellchecker. « Last Edit: Today at 06:05:18 by Sir Raevael the Fireswinger » Report to moderator Logged Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 16, 2013, 03:53:17 PM "Thanks a bunch Ta'Lia I have been waiting for an experts response about my character. I somehow knew that there will be a problem with clerical magic. so maybe it is possible to have a some sort of artifact that makes the sword burst in fire. I am really happy about this and cant contain my excitement because more ideas keeps popping out of my mind
I will not change his title. just like my question above. is it possible for Raevael to possess an enchanted artifact. that would make the sword burst in fire. And yes I will be removing the clerical magic concept about it. maybe until the clerical magic is finalized. I'll just put it in the story that he's looking for someone to teach him This character is a mirror image of me in every way so, I thought I would make him as old as me which is 29, most probably that's enough. thanks also for pointing out about where did he get the metals and specially the apprenticeship of Raevael. I'll fix it soon Thank for correcting me about Raevael's height and eye color. Ill be fixing it as well thank you very much for everyone who gave a time to read my cd. I am fixing this now :) Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 16, 2013, 04:49:17 PM You are welcome! Sir Raevael, I have to disapoint you, a magical artifact is not possible. Quote Banned (Not Playable) • Magical Items: Weapons, armour, or any other items containing magical attributes of any kind. They are very rare, and easily unbalance a character. But I have the impression, that you did not read my comment thoroughly. I offered you the possiblity to use - to a small extent and very restricted though, but nevertheless - the not yet developed magical cleric and you did not notice it? May I cite myself? Quote Clerical abilities. None, I‘d say, but I give you one special ability: As you as a paladin of Armeros will belief strongly in him (I suppose?) , the god may look with favour upon you, when you in dire need and praying with all your might - and with a humble attitude (no naming your fellows cowards..) and will set your sword ablaze. You still need to hack and slash, I would prefer that there are no burnings, but that this holy fire has a different qualitiy. But this sword encased in flames will do what a paladin of Armeros is meant to be able to do (from the partly outdated entry) Quote a) Armerosian Clerics Armerosian (ar-mer-oss-ian) Clerics are blessed with the power to invoke patriotism and strength during a battle or fight. The most beneficial clerics to any travelling party, a country may summon thousands of Armerosian clerics to invoke Armeros' might into the troops. The goal of these clerics is to win honorably. Honor is very important to them and they are steadfast in what they believe to be right. (Clerical Magic, compendium) Your sword is a normal sword, but in special, rare situations it might be engulfed in flames. There, you can have your title Fireswinger. Please let me remind you, that though you are a peacekeeper, traveling the roads, your main work is not going to fight big battles once a month - there is not enough trouble around Santharia right now. Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 16, 2013, 06:00:20 PM There but not quite done yet. I am still thinking of more possible weakness for him. this revision is to correct most of Ta'Lia's corrections. thanks again guys.
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 16, 2013, 06:17:46 PM Yup I already corrected it I made it a Black mithrillan greatsword that was passed through his family's generation. I removed the Idea of Magical Artifacts and clerical magicks and added another weakness for him. which is Ice. I gave him an Ice phobia.
Hehe and thanks for all of the pointers. Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 16, 2013, 06:24:48 PM Sir Raevael, you need to colour your changes! Please.
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 16, 2013, 06:31:24 PM ahh hehe sorry
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 16, 2013, 06:32:44 PM Quote 3.His faith to Armeros gave him an ability to bless the sword with fire giving him an extra fire damage with every swing of his greatsword but he cannot control this skill voluntarily. No, you can do nothing, you cannot bless your sword so that is is able to do more damage. It is the god who blesses you if he sees you fit. Your sword is a normal sword and only if you fight and pray with all your heart to Armeros, it will come aflame. No extra fire damage. Your char can of course believe, that his sword hits deeper, that he is faster while it is aflame. But that comes then out of you, your strength, your belief. Please note the quote out of the compendium - that is what a knight of Armeros is able to do. Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 16, 2013, 07:00:57 PM I really appreaciate it for being so patient with me. :) thanks for correcting that.
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 16, 2013, 07:07:07 PM Done revising the Blessing of Armeros. I indicated that to summon the flames he would have to be worthy of the blesing. Thanks again Ta'lia. I also added a brief history on how Raevael got his armor and His Profession as a Miner.
If everything is smooth then that is the time for me to fix , every other errors in this CD thanks a Bunch Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 17, 2013, 05:57:02 PM Hey Sir Raevael,
I'm afraid you have still not got the concept of CM Quote 3.Because of his faith to Armeros. Armeros Blessed his sword to burst to flames once. But to do it again he would have to be worthy for the blessing.(He was the first non magical warrior to gain a direct blessing from Armeros) He has not to be worthy, he has to belief. Strongly. Even if he would have failed in one of his tasks due to a weakness (e.g. he could not help where he should have helped due to his fear of ice), if he still beliefs strongly in Armeros he will be with him. He will not know, when his sword will come aflame, other, that his faith should not wafer, or , if he is in some doubt, his desire and plea to Armeros has to be coming the more from his heart . The sword will not burst into flames, when the fight is an ordinary one which it will be most times. Kepp this in mind when playing! Skip the last sentence, you cannot know that and it is surely NOT necessary for your char. I was thinking about why Armeros should gain you the favour of having a sword which comes aflame, though not often, but nevertheless. I liked your history part now quite well, though there are still some things to mend (can't go over it right now).Let's have a look at the last part: Quote Just after a week he got his first mission together with new knights as well. they are about to hunt and kill the evil wizard who experiments with the dead. Accompanied by newly elected Clerics of Armeros they faced the wizard. The wizard proves to be powerful though and the new Knights and Clerics The Evil wizard killed 5 Knights using Lightning summoned from the sky. "We are the Knights of Armeros my Brethren! we shall strike Divine Judgement upon this wretched souls. Do not falter for Armeros is with us." He shouted. His companion replied with a war cry. He stepped forward and raised his Newly forged Sablecross, while looking above. Summoning all of himself and all of his faith to Armeros he shouted. "Oh! Armeros Armourlord! I pray to thee. Bless the sword of thy servant to smite thine enemies!" Right after the little prayer, the swords blade burst in a very bright fire. All the people around stopped and marveled the beautiful fire in the blade of Sablecross. "Myr sword has been Blessed. Armeros judged thee!" he said to the Wizard while pointing the tip of the Burning sword to him "You shall die in the Burning Cross!" he finished then he charged at the wizard. the wizard started casting a lightning bolt spell directly at Raevael. Raevael noticed this and threw his hammer towards the wizard. the wizard saw a flying hammer going straight to his head. so he stopped casting his spell and evaded the hammer of his doom. Raevael plot succeeded, he interrupted his spell casting. He dashed towards him and lowered his burning great sword to his side. The wizard how ever realized that he cannot cast a spell anymore because the Knight with the burning sword is inching nearer. He is just 3 peds away from him. His choices are, he could risk to cast a spell, or he would flee. Thinking twice he started to cast a weak version of a thunderbolt spell that is quicker to cast. Raevael saw the scene and the wizard just seald his doom, Raevael trotted harder. The lightning element is already forming in his hands but his time is just enough for him to stab him before the wizard released the spell. The sword obviously went right through him. killing him in an instant while the flame is slowly burning his tunic to ashes. His fellow knights roared in triumph and started chanting the name of Raevael. Since the the Knights call him the Fireswinger and his Sword is now The Burning Cross. Because of his Miraculous Victory on his first errant, he was given the title of Paladin of Armeros by the Order Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 17, 2013, 06:37:46 PM My firefox troubles me, so a new post:
Quote Just after a week he got his first mission together with new knights as well. they are about to hunt and kill the evil wizard who experiments with the dead. Accompanied by newly elected Clerics of Armeros they faced the wizard. The wizard proves to be powerful though and the new Knights and Clerics The Evil wizard killed 5 Knights using Lightning summoned from the sky. Why would the temple send out a whole lot of newbies, and not a mixture of well seasoned and new ones? No need to take so many clerics on a mission. Correct the last sentence. Why is the wizard so powerful, just because he was able to kill five with one lightning stroke? Where do you know from that he is a necromancer? "We are the Knights of Armeros my brethren! We shall strike Divine Judgement upon this wretched souls. Have there been others? You did not mention them. Do not falter for Armeros is with us." He shouted. His companion replied with a war cry. Not yet, later. I would say, he needs to be in a much more tougher situation, he needs to cry out of desperation, waiting for the last blow to kill him, or something like that. And I would not ask to bless your sword, (why should you have the idea?), but let this be Armeros decision. Gods don't want to be said, what they have to do Oh no, and while they wondered, the enemies are given the opportunity to slash them? OK, now think of a situation, where not all are killed, but where YOU are in a situation to die right in the the next moment, the wizard over you (you can now practise , not to be always the hero and slash your enemies) . And then you pray, and it is a shout and a cry from your deepest soul. Invent some convincing battlescene here at this place, and then continue like this.. His hammers were lost (depends on if you can keep them), his strength coming to an end, his comrades struggling to survive themselves and the mage was still standing there, looking into Raevael's eyes, casting the spell which should finish him. In his what could have been easily his last moment he cried to Armeros with all his might. "Armeros, my Lord! I'm yours in life and death. You are the Just One! Don't allow this evil to overcome us!" And with this cry, his blade burst in flames, and the mage who was about to cast the spell which would have been his death was blinded and the spell interupted and it was just a blink he needed to get to him and take his life. "Myr sword has been blessed. Armeros judged thee!" he shouted to his comrades. And this were the battle luck turned, the remaining followers of the mage fled. His fellow knights roared in triumph and started chanting the name of Raevael. Since the the Knights call him the Fireswinger and his Sword is now The Burning Cross. Because of his Miraculous Victory on his first errant, he was given the title of Paladin of Armeros by the Order Have you noticed what I commented on a whole sword beeing aflame and the use of 'cross'? So much for now. Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 17, 2013, 09:50:43 PM Now I get in. Raevael will forever not be worthy but still believed. he does not know if his prayer will be granted but yet he believed. His ability lies with his faith. Ta'Lia thanks you just made me realize how precious this ability is.
I also have revised his first errant (In red Text) and thanks for pointing it out.. Thanks Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 18, 2013, 02:21:21 PM I have removed the idea of him being able to counter magic or rather him having knowledge on how to counter magic. lets leave the ability to other magicians.
I just realized how unbalanced the character was. So basically he is just one swordmaster with an armor and three hammers. I did this because it would ruin the exitement later if my character is way too powerfull so. I included an Ice phobia as his weakness. I also revised some of the contents (in red text). and also the reason why the The Burning Cross is colored black. Hopefully this is enough for my charater to be approved. :) if still there are things that needs to be fixed please inform me. Please review and thanks a lot. Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on January 18, 2013, 06:48:49 PM Hi Raevael! I'll be reviewing your strengths and weaknesses today. In pink.
Strengths: 1. Raevael is an exceptional sword master, only a few in the order can match his 2. Raevael is adept in using his three 3.Because of his faith to Armeros. Armeros Blessed his sword to burst to flames once. No one knows if Armeros would bless his sword again, but he believe if the blessing is necessarry Armeros would grant it. It is an ability that cannot be used often.(He was the first non magical warrior to gain a direct blessing from Armeros) (Like Talia said, this isn't necessary and it's also impossible to know.) 4.Wearing his specially crafted black full plate armor. He is really though. (Do you mean through? Or tough? Either way, please rephrase it. Additionally, wearing armour isn't a strength. Anyone can do that. But battling in armour is a different thing. You might want to focus on that instead; that he knows how to move in heavy armour.) 5.Being a bookworm provides him information in dire situations. his general knowledge and lore saved him many times. 6.He's has also enough knowledge in first aid and Herbology it terms of healing. (Specifying how much you know would be very helpful.) A good start, but you're very overpowered. Let me break it down for you. You are: a) an "exceptional warrior" that only a few can beat (which is highly unlikely considering that he's too young to have enough proper experience) b) intelligent, knows the world c) a person skilled in knowing the different plants for healing d) knows how to APPLY those plants properly e) knows how to properly fight in heavy armour f) knows how to throw hammers accurately g) has a flaming sword at hand (the mods are still discussing this though, so just hang on it for a while) h) can hunt and is "good at it" (from your accessories section) Oh, and you're also 29 years old. It's way too many skills for you to "master" at such a young age. I recommend you either take away some strengths or tone them down. It's okay to be a jack of all trades, but within reason. Unless you're far older (think 50+) it's highly unlikely for you to be that skilled in so many things. Weaknesses: 1.He dont like working with other people. he usually do things alone wether a mission on a faraway land or a certain prodject he wants to finish. He usually end up fighting hordes of enemies in his line of work thus being a loner is defenitly not an advantage 2.This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. it could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease. 3. His greatest weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. Raevael spent all of his training in the arts of the sword, thus that is the only known method of fighting. (How about the hammers?) He can punch and kick but the technique is pathetic. In this situation he desperately need help or he would die. (This can't be considered a weakness. Taking away a weapon is a blow to any character, and a peasant (which is the yardstick for S&Ws) doesn't need a weapon anyway. I recommend you make this a lot harsher - like he freaks out and goes mental or starts bubbling like a kid or whatever - or take it out completely.) 4.A good magician is Raevaels doom, if he fights a mage he immediately stuggle because he does not have any countermeasures for magic. his only chance if if the three hammers landed a hit on the magician. but often times they miss. He usually need a companion if he needs to battle a magician. (I wouldn't count this as a weakness. Weaknesses are measured against the average peasant on the farm. I'd expect little of them knows how to take down a mage as well.) 5.Normally though he is not magically gifted. he would not fear facing a magician if he got companions. but to face a mage mastered the element of ice is a different story. Since he saw his mother died by suffocation by encasing her in ice, Raevael developed a phobia out of it. If he encountered an Ice mage, he would involuntaryly shake and would have a cold sweat. He cant think clearly as well. His attacks in this state will become so dull that a normal swordsman would gain a terrible advantage out of him. (I hate to say this, but I wouldn't consider this a weakness as well. This is an incredibly situation specific weakness. It's like saying I'm afraid of water but only when the sun is blue and the moon is in the half-moon phase. Try making it more general, like a fear of magic, or a fear of water or claustrophobia.) Please run your CD through a spellchecker. I gave up correcting your grammar/spelling a little into your S&Ws. It just makes it easier to read. :) You have a good start here, but you honestly still need to work on your CD. You're very much overpowered. Either take away some strengths or put in more weaknesses. The S&Ws is one of the more important parts of the CD, cause it directly affects how you RP your character. I may seem harsh, but it's only cause I'd like to see you approved as quick as possible. I'll come back and review it when you're done updating it. :D Good luck! Seh'nara Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 18, 2013, 07:23:25 PM Seh'nara thank you for checking my cd as well I'll fix it right now. XD
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 18, 2013, 07:55:04 PM Quote 3.Because of his faith to Armeros. Armeros Blessed his sword to burst to flames once. No one knows if Armeros would bless his sword again, but he believe if the blessing is necessarry Armeros would grant it. It is an ability that cannot be used often.(He was the first non magical warrior to gain a direct blessing from Armeros) Raevael, you still don't understand. THIS IS NOT AN ABILITY. Your statement above is not entirely correct either. The sword did not burst in flames, only because he believes in Armeros, but because he was about to die AND prayed with his whole heart. So I would formulate it more like this: When facing death once, he prayed with all his heart to Armeros to save him and, due to his unwavering belief in the god of War and Justice, his sword burst into flames and blinded the attacker, so saving his life. This is not a strength in itself, but would belong to history only. However, you can make it to a strength, if you add following: From this day on Raevael believed, that, if the need would arise and his faith in the god is still strong, that Armeros might again bless him and set the sword again aflame. This belief drives him forward in fights and gives him a reassurance, which lets him fight when others would give up. Here, that's quite a strength! Even if the mods decide, that the firesword is too powerful, you have something which drives you - and I'm quite sure, that, if your roleplay shows, that you are not playing god , the storymods might decide at a later time (and depending on the situation), that you sword might burst in flame a second time. Btw, I have a magical sword also, it protects, but I used its magic in 11 years roleplaying just once. There were tough situations enough, but not in the way, I could use it a second time. (but don't look at my CD, I wrote it ages ago when there were nearly none restrictions, it does not follow the format required today) Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 18, 2013, 08:09:29 PM Raeveal, please, clerics DO NOT CAST SPELLS, they pray!
Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 18, 2013, 08:50:15 PM Thanks Seh'nara I have just revised the S&W. Decided to give him Fear of Ice, and his weakness againts quick fighters.
Ta'lia I think what you really mean is his "FAITH" to armeros itself is his strength, and the Flaming sword is just a bonus right. Thanks you for patiently exlaining it to me, and sorry as well I kinda used your example. After this ill be running spell checker All of my revisions are in color orange. Thanks you everyone :) please review again Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 19, 2013, 02:09:22 PM I decided to remove his healing and herbology knowledge to tone down his Strengths and decided to give him Fear of Ice instead of Claustrophobia because if I stick to Claustrophobia I would have to revise a part of his history again.
I have also finished proof reading the whole CD I may have overlooked some parts so I do apologize. And I really don't mind if the burning sword would only be a part of his history, but I appreaciate if you would allow for Raevael to burst his sword to fire from time to time. It is not a skill any way it is a blessing. Maybe he can make his sword burst only once in every story, but still it is up to you Aside from his issue with the flaming sword I think the cd is ready. Please feel free to review if there are still things to tone down :) Thanks :) Title: Re: Sir Raevael the Fireswinger-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 19, 2013, 08:28:10 PM Since this character is not approved yet I decided to change my characters name to Reveniel the Black Paladin. Reveniel which is my preffered name, and black paladin temporarily until the firesword would get approved. If not I would retain the Black Paladin Title. I apologize to all of you for this...Thanks
Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 20, 2013, 01:42:47 PM completely dropped the idea of the flaming sword, instead I used his Devotion to Armeros as a strength. I am still thinking of a new name for the sword though, and maybe I would try looking into the elvish dictionary for a good sword name.
I already revised the history to match the changes I made on his S&W. I'll try to proofcheck later.. Please review thanks................... Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 20, 2013, 05:03:39 PM Decided to name the sword Valathor....
Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 21, 2013, 03:41:57 PM I made a lot of huge revisions on my cd. I may have neglected my punctuations, tenses and grammar, but I think my cd is ready.
Please I needed an experts review if my character is balanced enough.. If it is then Ill fix the problems in grammar, punctuation and tenses. If not please do inform me Any review will be so much appreciated. Hopefully my character will be approved soon........ Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on January 21, 2013, 05:39:19 PM No, Reneviel, that's not the way to approach things.
You want us to read your stuff, then please be so kind and fix you grammar/spelling and even the punctuation problems first. It is very impolite to ask us to stumble through bad English, especially for those like me who are not native speakers. (Well, maybe this is worse for them). You can only become better by practising that. Your posts later in the Herald or in a story should be free of spelling errors also. How do you want to achieve this? And believe me, there are still many errors left after you can't find anyone anymore! Unfortunately the spell checking function on this site is broken, so please use a software on your comp and let it run over your texts - and not only the long ones, the short ones also. Thank you! :) Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 21, 2013, 08:11:58 PM I apologize if it sounded that way. I'm just getting impatient. But lets don't talk about it anymore.
The CD should be crisp and clean of errors. I have used an online application (spellcheckplus.com) to clean my errors.... I know you are all busy since this is a new year and it seems you are also updating the site. But if you can spare some of your time, try to check if the CD is balanced other comments are also welcome. You guys don't even need to approve the burning sword concept since I dropped it completely. Thank you and peace....... Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Kareesh Valendar on January 23, 2013, 02:26:25 PM I realize that it can take awhile to get a character approved, Reveniel, but just remember that creating a character takes time. Not only do you have to have him or her up to snuff, you also have to learn to connect with him/her. For instance, I've written several characters, and although they're all approved, I still don't know how to write with them. And remember, this is also a way for the story mods to see how you write and respond to constructive criticism. They do take those things into consideration when allowing people into their stories.
With all that being said, I'm back with my lime green pen again. I'll be focusing on your Strengths and Weaknesses as I'm feeling a bit under the weather today. So, let's take a look, shall we? :) Strengths and Weaknesses Strengths: 1. Reveniel is a good swordsman, most of his peers agree that he is gifted with the sword. He can also adjust his fighting style depending on his opponents weapon. Despite that he still has a lot to learn and he is still learning from his uncle from time to time. 2. He is adept in using his three throwing hammers strapped in his belt. He uses his hammers to interrupt life-threatening situations, and/or escape. He 3. Reveniel's faith to Armeros is astounding that he would find courage in the most dire situations, situations that most people would falter or waver. No! not him. He believes that Armeros will not ever leave his side as long as his faith is unyielding 4. He is really 5. He has enough knowledge to survive alone in the wilderness. He can hunt, he can make fire and he can set camp if needed. Most of the skills are acquired from his wanderings with his uncle. Weaknesses: 1. Likes to show off and always likes to look good. He pretends as if he's not showing off every time. Because of that he often times underestimate his opponents 2. He assumes too much. Specially if his companions somehow do not have enough experience in battle. 3. This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. It could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease. 4. Another of his weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He panics if that happened. If he does, he is a dead meat. He can punch and kick, but the technique is pathetic. He can use his hammers, but not as effective compared with a sword and most of the time he already threw all three of them. In this situation he only 5. Fear of Ice. He has this condition ever since he was a child. When he was young. He was on one their family's travels together. A group of bandits and a mage ambushed their wagon. They wanted to steal every weapon they carry, and the fabled black mithrillan sword. His father gave all of the swords, but he 6 . Though he is a seasoned swordsman he does have a lot of trouble facing someone who is nimble and quick. That is why facing an enemy that uses speed agility and nimbleness is a bad situation for him. The one thing he can do in such situations is give up using his sword and yield his hammer. This doesn't make much sense to me. If he is emboldened by his faith in Aremos, wouldn't that bravery go into fighting an agile opponent as well? From what I've read of this character, I don't see him submitting to someone very easily. Instead of saying something that sounds like he would give up, maybe you can just say something about how he is more than likely to lose against that person or he gets frustrated or something like that. Think of what your character would do. But as I said I would avoid using "I said" as it changes the feel of the rest of the CD. Try using "as stated before" or something like that. he is not adept in using the hammers as a one hand weapon, but for throwing it. His other way out is either outwit his opponent or have one of his companions help him. Okay, closing thoughts. First, you have a horse. That is considered a strength. When you take that into consideration, your character is overpowered. Remember, having a balanced character doesn't mean that you have equal numbers of strengths and weaknesses. You have to think about how powerful or debilitating that strength or weakness is. Let's take a look at your strengths: You're a super swordsmen who apparently knows several different fighting styles, you're pretty good with throwing hammers, he is strong enough to wear full-plate armor, he's a survival expert, and he has a horse. Also, he's had training in smithing, apparently enough to be able to make throwing hammers, which I can imagine is no easy task, so that is also a strength. Your ability to mine is also a strength. Your weaknesses are: he's a show off, assumes a bit too much, has Severe Strangling Disease, panics when his sword is removed (but remember, he still has his hammers, and it does hurt to get hit in the face by a metal plated gauntlet), has a fear of ice, and is a bit slow to fight someone who is quick and agile. So let's see what we can do. I'm not saying your character has to be "normal" and can't be strong at all. He's way better off than many people of Sarvonia with just his armor. My suggestions are these. First, maybe he's not really good at the throwing hammers. Perhaps he can't aim all that well with them, but since he's strong, he can throw them pretty far. I don't want to take away your blacksmithing, since that is a big part of your history, but perhaps get rid of the mining ability. It's not needed. Also, the fear of ice may seem like a big weakness, but honestly, unless you go to Northern Sarvonia, you don't encounter that much ice. It's not like Sarvonians have ice cubes in their drinks or something like that. Maybe instead of a survival expert, he just knows the basics. I think it would be hard to kill animals with throwing hammers and a sword. Perhaps he just knows how to build a fire and build very simple traps for animals. He wouldn't know tracking or any of the "expert" stuff. My brain is starting to wander now, so I'll close here. Think about your character. Think about which strengths are really important to him and which ones aren't so much. I gave you a few ideas of how you can balance him out. Also, make sure you check your grammar. I changed some that I came across, but I know there are others. I know it may be harder if English isn't your native language, but what helps me is reading it out loud. My poor husband has had to sit through me reading my writings out loud and pausing so I can fix something. This also helps you to "see" it with new eyes. Well, that's it. Remember to color your changes. :) Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 23, 2013, 04:41:58 PM Thank you kareesh. I just finished revising the S&W and a part of his history about his aquisition of his armor.
Please feel free to review again The revisions are in color yellow Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on January 23, 2013, 05:44:29 PM Reveniel, I don't think you quite grasp how overpowered your character is currently. It's okay if you want to be a strong warrior, but please make it so within limits. I'll review your current weaknesses and compare them to your strengths.
Quote 1. Likes to show off and always likes to look good. He pretends as if he's not showing off every time. Because of that he often times underestimate his opponents 2. He assumes too much. Specially if his companions somehow do not have enough experience in battle. You can actually combine both of these weaknesses into one: ego. He's proud, likes to show off and looks down on other people, thus making him underestimate his opponents as well as his companions. You can even expand it to him being unwilling to ask for help, which is relevant to my next few comments. Quote 4. Another of his weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He panics if that happened. If he does, he is a dead meat. He can punch and kick, but the technique is pathetic. He can use his hammers, but not as effective compared with a sword and most of the time he already threw all three of them. In this situation he only got two options to survive, 1. snap out of panic state (which never happens) 2. grab any weapon 3. ask for help 6 . Though he is a seasoned swordsman he does have a lot of trouble facing someone who is nimble and quick. That is why facing an enemy that uses speed agility and nimbleness agitates him. Most of the times his agitation would lead to his defeat. He can definitly use the hammer but he is not good in using it as a handled weapon. In this situation he can either outwit his opponent or ask for help. I highlighted the last line cause I don't understand why you put it in. You're basically saying oh yeah, my character panics when he doesn't have his sword/gets frustrated when he's fighting someone quick, but it doesn't matter, cause he can still save himself by doing A/B/C. Solving the weakness is part of the RPing process, not the CD process. That's the entire fun in RPing. On top of that, it actually de-emphasises the weakness of the weakness. It's not really a weakness at this point, it's just a quirk that could POSSIBLY weaken him, but can also help him. I recommend you take out the last line and put in something about how he's helpless when he's in panic mode. Remember, the point of weaknesses is to actually SHOW he's weak. To put in ways that he can get out of sticky situations; that defeats the purpose. Quote 5. Fear of Ice. He has this condition ever since he was a child. When he was young. He was on one their family's travels together. A group of bandits and a mage ambushed their wagon. They wanted to steal every weapon they carry, and the fabled black mithrillan sword. His father gave all of the swords, but he can't provide the fabled sword since it is not with him. They should have been spared, but because of his fathers rather harsh comment, the bandits decided to kill them. One bandit killed his father and his mother was encased in ice by the mage, suffocating her. That memory still hurts him until now. Like Kar and I have said before, this isn't particularly relevant in Sarvonia, where most of the stories are RPed in. It's a minor quirk that could just be put into the personality section, and isn't really a weakness at all. Quote 7. He may be an excellent warrior, but he's a pathetic adventurer. The only thing he knows when traveling to make fire and nothing else. He can't hunt he can't track he even can't make his own camp properly. During his travels with his uncle, he relied on his uncle too much and never paid attention to surviving skills his uncle is teaching. During travels, he desperately need to always stop by in an inn to have a proper rest and meal, or if inns are not accessible, he desperately need a companion. Making camp is basically making a fire and putting down a bedsheet. It's not as complicated as you write it out to be. Might I suggest making the weakness more pronounced? Like say, he doesn't get a good night's rest in the forest, that's why he needs an inn, or perhaps he doesn't know how to pick campsites and tends to camp near dangerous areas (ie: wolf lairs, bear caves, etc). Basically, he's a bad outdoorsman, and your paragraph should reflect that. To review: You're currently an excellent swordsman who is also a blacksmith (a really masterful one, cause you made your entire armour set by yourself - people take years as apprentices to even get that far), you have a companion that can take you anywhere and is extra hooves in a battle, you are skilled in fighting in heavy armour (which implies a great deal of stamina and strength - that thing ain't light) as well as being emboldened by faith. And you're also 29 years old. In contrast, you can't sleep outdoors, your "panic mode" is easily solved, and you have a big ego. Do you see why we think you're overpowered? I apologise if I'm too harsh in my comments, again. I would very much like to see you approved, which is why I might be a little strong in my comments. Try reviewing your S&Ws again, and hopefully, the next time I come around, I can give you an approval. Besides this, you're actually doing very well. ^^ If you need anything, just PM me. -Seh Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 23, 2013, 08:08:32 PM Hehe Apology is not needed Sehnara. I know I have a lot to learn since I'm new to this. so if you guys aren't straightforward, I will not learn.
thank you for reviewing again. I will fix it right away :) Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 23, 2013, 09:15:43 PM Done revising the S&W's
The new revisions are in color orange Thanks Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on January 25, 2013, 11:54:52 AM The new revisions look good! I like it. Let me poke my fellow mods and maybe we can give you an approval soon.
Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 25, 2013, 09:20:33 PM Yes! Thanks sehnara haha, good to hear. If theres anything else, you can always post here. Ill be on watch
Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Seh'nara Celebrindal on January 31, 2013, 06:33:07 PM Sweet. I'm ready to give you a FIRST APPROVAL! :D
Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on January 31, 2013, 08:02:39 PM YAY! thanks for all the patience guys. Though it may take time I'm willing to learn more. Hopefully I'll be able to help you guys in the future.. :)
thanks again :) Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Kareesh Valendar on February 01, 2013, 02:17:25 AM You get my approval as well, Reveniel. If you would remove the color from your CD, we can title you and move 'im down to the archives. :)
Congrats and welcome to the Dream. Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin on February 01, 2013, 12:28:46 PM Colors Removed! Thanks for everything :) :) :)
Title: Re: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on February 01, 2013, 12:39:42 PM Titled and Archived. Congrats :D
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