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Author Topic: Dane Bal'azar  (Read 10440 times)
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Asmordeus
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« Reply #15 on: August 20, 2003, 09:13:22 PM »

not sure if you have word perfect program or not but I suggest that you copy and paste your CD into one to see the typing mistakes.  It really helps.  I have a tendency to type faster than my fingers go and that may be your typo troubles.  People don't like to read things with typo's in them.  Gives you a bad image hon.  Try this and then paste it in here.  

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dane balazar
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« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2003, 01:20:22 AM »

ok, I have edited again. I expanded on strengths weaknesses , occupation and possession as Rayne Avalotus' quotes suggested, and adjusted the height as Angron Bloodfist directed. any more advice?

-Dane

P.S.
Angron are you the Primarch of the world eaters?

in the end, I will fight untill I draw my final breath
   -Dane

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Angron Bloodfist
Ferocious Berserker
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Human, Helvet´ine Kuglim


« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2003, 03:03:22 AM »

well, i used to be...

...got ICQ?

Pain? PAIN!? I´m a berserk, dammit! I don´t even know the word pain!!!

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dane balazar
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« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2003, 02:53:22 AM »

Nope :b  

EDIT: I've redone a lot of my character...hope it's better.

in the end, I will fight untill I draw my final breath
   -Dane

Edited by: dane balazar at: 8/20/03 21:26
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dane balazar
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« Reply #19 on: August 21, 2003, 09:53:22 AM »

sorry, posted on accident

Edited by: dane balazar at: 8/21/03 19:57
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Radaroc
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« Reply #20 on: August 22, 2003, 05:27:22 AM »

I see no great or major flaws.  Beware this type of character could be very easy to play as a god-char, so try not to do that.  
So I deem this char worthy of a title!



In the begining I was weak.  Now I have purpose.  Stay me from my path and the Gods themselves cannot save you.


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dane balazar
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« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2003, 04:46:22 AM »

so I am approved!!!!!:eek  :eek  


I am forever in you debt|I

Will i be getting my titile soon?:D  

In the end, I will fight untill I draw my final breath
   -Dane

Edited by: dane balazar at: 8/21/03 22:19
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Radaroc
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« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2003, 08:30:22 AM »

I don't know takes an admin to title and the only active one right now is Mortus/Terra.  So its up in the air however I seriously doubt say more than a week.



In the begining I was weak.  Now I have purpose.  Stay me from my path and the Gods themselves cannot save you.


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dane balazar
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« Reply #23 on: August 22, 2003, 11:06:22 AM »

how many admin are theire?

In the end, I will fight untill I draw my final breath
   -Dane

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Eryk Aisean
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« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2003, 12:01:22 PM »

Congrats...but as Radaroc said, be careful of god-modding.  Otherwise, have fun!

Mind, heart and body cannot be conquered.

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Terra Artemos
Moonblade Warrior
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Human, Sophronian


« Reply #25 on: August 22, 2003, 12:35:22 PM »

There is 4 of us.

Bahran, who does not offten read CDs, and if he focusses on seting up and admining stories I am cool with that.

Gararion, who has been inactive for personal reasons, and really busy with his story.

Rayne, who is off on holidays.

And myself.

So yah, I am you best bet ATM. I will read over it.


'I am grey. All but those like me see only darkness and light, they do not see the grey between them. In this greyness I dwell. I would not wish this fate on any other.'

Terra Artemos Character Description

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Terra Artemos
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« Reply #26 on: August 22, 2003, 02:11:22 PM »

I see nothing horrorably wrong, but there is a few things you should address before I give you your title.

As Angron statted your hight is a bit tall, I would say no more than 2.3 peds, this is just over 7 feet 6 inches. Well more than is needed to intimidate most other tall humans, and a far number of elves. That is if you are into seeing the tops of peoples heads. Most humans are about 1.7 - 1.9 Peds in height.

Also remember that your tribe is far skinned, so if he is tanned, it will be only lightly. Please correct me if I have my skin types wrongs, I am a guy IRL after all.

"After combat however, he will feel drained and tired." shoudl be worked into your weaknesses instead of residing in your strenghts, and please explain to what extent this effects him. Is he too tired to fight, and how long does such a state usually last?

A few last things. Go through your grammer and spelling. If possible copy your CD to a word proccessing program and use it spell check. Also be sure you formatting is consitant all the way through, and all paragraphs are separated by a blank line. Even if you put a lot of effort into writing the content, it will not show with inconsitancies in your formatting.


'I am grey. All but those like me see only darkness and light, they do not see the grey between them. In this greyness I dwell. I would not wish this fate on any other.'

Terra Artemos Character Description

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Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #27 on: August 22, 2003, 04:18:22 PM »

::glares at Radaroc gently:: What is this about Terra/Mortus being the only active admin?


Anyway, as for the profile. Let's start with your appearances. I would like to see a bit more detail here. You say his hair is long, but some people consider long being past the shoulders while others consider it to be long only when it hangs lower than the mid-back.

Your height is too tall: look at your tribe's entry! "the men are on average between 2 and 2 Ľ peds in height." You should also review the clothing section of your tribe, as this tribe does not where kilts. As is mentioned, they are fairly light-skinned. You're coming from a tribe located in Northern Sarvonia, which is a bit colder than many places. I do not ming you being lightly tanned, though. I think it is reasonable.

I'm wondering about the scars on his face: where are they? It helps us get a good idea of how your character actually looks. You may want to go into specifics about the face: how large his forehead is or how big his lips. This is just a suggestion. However, yo need to describe your character's eyes.

Personality also need a bit more meat. For one, "Pearson" should probably be "person." ... Misspellings like that make me nervous. You should try to decribe more about his thought process, and maybe how he views things, perhaps things like nature, animals, and the doings of magic. How does he feel about elves and orcs and dwarves? Does he have a certain love for the ocean like the rest of his tribe? Does he act differently around men than he does around women? If so, in what ways and why? These are all personality traits and I'm sure you can think of others.

Because these tribes do a lot of fueding, the battle is good, and though I think two men suddenly attack this character's father is a bit out there, I'll allow it to pass. I'm wondering about this great sword. Check the weapons for your tribe: they used short swords and spears: close rang weapons, which leads me to your character's exile. I'ts not likely he would carry a bow.

As for going to the Tandala's... erm, you wouldn't survive.The Tandala's are perhaps one of the most, if not the most, trecherous mountain ranges in the world of Caelereth. There are Ogres, orcs, trolls, and great dragons dwelling in those mountains. Trust me, I know all about the Tandala's..

You have an excellant tribe for another means of getting to Santharia: the ocean. Maybe your character steals a boat and rows along the western coastline of Sarvonia until he gets to Santharia? Keep in mind that these boats are rather flimsy, so you probably couldn't journey too far from the shore.

The hunting skills and tracking skills sound pretty magnificent for someone who wasn't trained to track or hunt, but rather trained in the art of battle and war. You might try toning down your skills in these areas. Make sure any changes you made are changed throughout (i.e. when you take the bow from the history section, make sure you take it from the possessions section as well.)


::grumbles something about active admins, glaring slightly at Radaroc a little, and shuffles off discontnetly::

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dane balazar
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« Reply #28 on: August 22, 2003, 11:28:22 PM »

I will make appropriate adjustments just a few points:

1) he greatsword I added because I wanted his family to kind of be un-orthodox so they would be quick to condemn him. Perhaps one of his ancestors battle a outsider, and found his opponents' greatsword a mighty weapon, and every since then the family has wielded them.

2)
Quote:
Using a light, yet powerful horn bow from distance


they do use bows, so I am not sure what your point is about the bows( if I am wrong, could you please explain it to me.)

In the end, I will fight untill I draw my final breath
   -Dane

Edited by: dane balazar at: 8/22/03 15:31
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Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #29 on: August 23, 2003, 02:10:22 AM »

I will let you have the greatsword, but not without reluctance.You should describe the greatsword and perhaps how it was gotten, including who it was gotten from.

As for the bow, that was my mistake. Given the horn bow is not one of the bows listed in the bow entry, and given that the entry is done by drogo, I had not trusted the sentence based on both those facts and a weary eye (for it was near three in the morning for me). Keep in mind that your character has not been trained in the bow, but you make keep it.

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