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Author Topic: Kelancey the Green, Erpheronian, White Nehtorian/Dalorin  (Read 12401 times)
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Mina
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« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2007, 09:19:33 PM »

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Carolus served for two years in the service of His Majesty King Tiandor, as a healer on the front of Nermeran, where frequent skirmishes with the neighboring Losh-Oc orcs confronted him with the atrocities men are capable of committing. 

I don't remember this very clearly, but IIRC if there are any skirmishes at all, they'd most likely be with the gob-oc.  The gob-oc live in caverns underneath the Tandala, which borders Nermeran, while the losh-oc live in North Sarvonia.  I'm not very familiar with how the situation is at the northern border of Santharia, however.  Santharia is relatively peaceful currently, and has been for at least a generation, though the situation at the border might well be different.  But I don't really know how often any combat happens there, and it doesn't look like there's been much written about it.  All I know is that there's been attempts to seal up the gob-oc tunnels, which were not entirely successful. 

BTW, Tiandor's title would be Santhran. 

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Seamus was taken into the monastery at Voldar at 6 years of age,

Hmm...he went from Nyermersys to Voldar?  That's pretty far.  Why not stay in (or around) Nyermersys?  I'm sure there would be some monasteries in the area too. 

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In the monsoon of Rising Sun, 1650 a.S., when the meat markets flooded, contaminating a good portion of the Harbor District with animal remains, they volunteered to clean the streets and empty ruined stock from butchers’ markets. 

Hmm...a monsoon there?  The location doesn't look very suitable, I think.  In fact, I'm not sure if monsoons are even possible on Caelereth.  I don't remember it very clearly, but don't Earth's monsoons require conditions that can only exist on a globe?  In any case, it's probably best to find some other explanation for the flooding. 

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His Majesty King Tiandor’s Royal Militia
:huh:I don't think we have such an organisation.  Perhaps you could simply say that he joined the military? 

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Sigridis looked absolutely resplendent in the traditional Eyelian sheer white silk wedding gown
Perhaps I've misunderstood what you're trying to say, but that doesn't sound very Eyelian to me. 

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Here, at the medical camps of the Nermeran army, seeing 30 or 40 wounded soldiers a day

That's quite a lot.  Why are there so many solders getting wounded each day? 

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§   Good with his hammer (equal to an average soldier), with emphasis on disarming, knocking down, and incapacitating opponents
Can you really do that with hammers?   Huh?

Well, in general, this is quite a good CD.  I see you've done some research.  However, I advise you to be cautious when adapting RL things into Caelereth (which you seem to do fairly often).  I didn't see much in the CD that is actually wrong, but there are several things that are a little iffy, like using the title "friar". 
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Kain Cristar
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« Reply #16 on: January 24, 2007, 02:19:45 AM »

I could think of a few very good ways to incapacitate someone with a hammer. Hitting their arms for one, Knocking them to their feet, or knocking the wind out of them with a good thrust. Hitting someone in the leg is sure to stop them while not kill them. Also, with a nice hammer, one could probably hit their foes weapon in order to break it.
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You have lived a life of cruelty and atrocity, you have bathed in the blood of the innocent, you have considered every act of depravity and your corruption knows no bounds. I am the angel of justice, I am the accumulation of all of your sins. Prepare for your redemption.

-Kain Cristar, Divine Aspect
Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2007, 03:29:41 AM »

  Most sincere thanks, Mina, for your welcomed critique.  And thank you for your defense, Kain!  Wave

  Mina, thank you for addressing the Terran references I wrote into Clancy's CD. As you've probably surmised, this is loosely autobiographical (well, up till the military part), and some parts of the history need to be adapted for life in Santharia.  I appreciate your suggestions on how to rectify these.  If I may ask for further comment, I have some questions for you.
  • Thanks for the suggestion about the (failing) efforts to wall up the Gob-Oc tunnels beneath the Tandala Highlands.  With your permission, I'd like to incorporate that into Carolus Clancy's history.
  • Regarding Seamus travel to Voldar at age 6, I thought it would be appropriate for him to leave Nyermersys for most of his developmental years.  The entry about the White Order states that children usually are taken to the monastery/abbey around that age.  I don't find reference to any White Order monasteries near Nyermersys, but, as you point out, that doesn't exclude one or more monasteries existing in Nermeran.  Again, the distance was just to emphasize the idea of leaving home, but that doesn't have to mean travelling to Voldar.
  • Instead of a monsoon, could I arbitrarily make the river (oh, I'm blanking the name right now) overflow its banks, spilling into the butcher's district that same year?
  • The Eyelian dress, right.  I read that they typically prefer rustic, simple-colored attire, with gold jewelry for special occasions.  I need to tweak this entry a bit.
  • I'll tone down the number of wounded men in the military camps a bit; would, say, 5 to 15 men a day be acceptable?
  • The point about the hammer, I'll credit much of this to Kain for his gracious suggestions--thank you, Kain! grin  I haven't developed a fighting method with a hammer, but I could write up a brief blurb if that would justify Clancy's fighting style.

Thanks again to both of you for your feedback.  I'll get to work on these suggestions.  Take care!
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Mina
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« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2007, 03:53:53 AM »

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Thanks for the suggestion about the (failing) efforts to wall up the Gob-Oc tunnels beneath the Tandala Highlands.  With your permission, I'd like to incorporate that into Carolus Clancy's history.
Well, I wouldn't say that it was a failure, at least not completely.  With regards to incorporating that into your CD, I'm not sure that'd work.  That happened quite a long time ago, and there hasn't been much development done regarding the period between then and now, so things might have changed.  Here's a quote from the gob-oc entry's history section, for the year 523 (it's currently 1667):
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The Gob-Oc prove formidable in reopening tunnels and connecting tunnel systems. Years after the first Troll War, rumors spread about orcs taking settlements in the Troll Mountains or the sparse populated hills farther south, obviously from tunnel entrances not used since the Third Sarvonian War. As the places lay deep within the wilderness and the orcs prove to be tough fighters as well as hunters the wilderness north of Doovens and west of Veltins is often accounted as the most dangerous place of Santharia and in many maps marked as disputed territory.

Though the Gob-Oc take no offensive moves since their first appearance this area becomes a thorn in the side of the provinces of Nerman and Vardýnn who fear for their settlements and further campaigns against these orcs often end in disaster without any decisive change in the situation.
Note that the entry is pretty old, however, and might not be entirely up to date anymore. 

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Instead of a monsoon, could I arbitrarily make the river (oh, I'm blanking the name right now) overflow its banks, spilling into the butcher's district that same year?
*shrugs* I suppose that works. 

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I'll tone down the number of wounded men in the military camps a bit; would, say, 5 to 15 men a day be acceptable?
What I meant to say was, where are all these wounded soldiers coming from?  Santharia has been enjoying a relatively peaceful time for the past few decades, as far as I know, and you usually don't see too many getting wounded if they aren't fighting.  Of course, the situation at the border might be somewhat differnt; they might have been picking fights with the gob-oc or something (if they still haven't managed to permanently seal the tunnels), but I think this should be made clearer in the CD. 

@Kain: I was just being curious, but come to think of it, those do sound pretty reasonable. 
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Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2007, 01:36:41 PM »

Could I ask anyone for a read through?  The changes to the history are from recent posts by Mina, Kain, and Leida.  Thanks, all three of you!
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
lukecash
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« Reply #20 on: January 25, 2007, 07:39:38 AM »

hmmmm, it seems like that should be approved on the spot now, to me... But you could maybe make his personality a bit more interesting, such as, if you want to make him charismatic, can you define how? Ex: He may not be the best at the talking side of first impressions, but he gives you a keen look, and never cows away socially, he just sits there with that gorgon gaze he has, which may not be too appealing, but it makes you think twice...
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Weivóc'Neán
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« Reply #21 on: January 25, 2007, 07:46:01 AM »

Also, since you changed his name, you need to change your display name.
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May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #22 on: January 25, 2007, 10:57:23 AM »

  Hey, thanks!  Great idea, Avash.  Though I hope I'm not as hideous-appearing as a Gorgon. <J/K>  :P
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
lukecash
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« Reply #23 on: January 25, 2007, 12:07:29 PM »

I was reffering to the odd fact that some people just sit there looking you in the eyes for long periods of time...
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Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2007, 01:24:12 PM »

  *Nudge* Could I ask from some more feedback, particularly Caein's personality and the battle scene toward the end of his history?  Thank you! :D
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Aranel Telemmaite
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« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2007, 06:23:10 PM »

I like the way he was in the battle, and he didn't want to kill his foes but had to, and the fact he couldn't live with it. I also think that you've got loads of great detail, and it should be approved in no time.
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #26 on: January 29, 2007, 01:53:34 AM »

I'll reference Mina back.  Really good job!
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Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2007, 01:57:59 AM »

Thanks for reading through my CD once more, both of you.

@Aranel--Thanks!  Can you think of any more detail I might add to enhance his reaction or the aftermath?  Use a blunt blade, please, I could use some criticism for future revision.

@Drasil--Thanks you as well!  I'd love it if Mina wouldn't mind giving her opinion of how the military training and the battle with the Gob-Ocs, but thanks for your read-through.

May Ava dream well with you both!   :D
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Mina
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« Reply #28 on: February 01, 2007, 04:34:02 PM »

I'm much better at checking if one got the facts right than judging if a character is 'okay', but the CD looks fine to me, so I'll give my approval.  Hopefully if I overlooked anything, whoever comments next will be able to point them out. 

However, like I mentioned, there are some rather iffy things in the CD.  Most should be okay, I guess, but 'friar' and 'chapel' are two that really stand out, and I'd recommend changing them if possible.  'Chapel' could probably be altered to 'temple' without much difficulty; I'm not so sure about 'friar' though, but maybe you'd have some ideas. 

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They presumed wrongly, as they soon found they’d opened a road into a sizeable encampment of Gob-Ocs who were surveying the same tunnels.  The small band of humans was slaughtered, triggering a retaliatory attack by the outraged goblins. 

I also found this part slightly confusing.  The 'storyline' seems sound enough, more or less, but I don't get why the goblins are described as retaliating.  They were the ones who attacked and slaughtered the humans, no? 
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #29 on: February 01, 2007, 08:32:50 PM »

IMHO, friars would probably be the equivelent of the clerics in training...or perhaps you could make them laymen?  Try talking to Talia for a better term.
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