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Author Topic: Weivóc'Neán // Eophyrhim Elf // Assassin, Bounty Hunter  (Read 26420 times)
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Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #30 on: January 30, 2007, 08:49:44 AM »

i know but i only had those 2 left to fix and yeh i was just asking about other stuff that was ficed or maybe aobut history which he didnt get time to check. And yeh im done with those 2 now so can i get comments.
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #31 on: January 30, 2007, 09:37:08 AM »

...We had this discussion on IRC, but I guess we will have to make it public.  Your character can't stop being Elven just because he wants to.  It doesn't matter that he's different...its just the way he is.  If you want him to have the personality and traits you have, make him human, otherwise make him an elf.  Trust me, it won't get approved like this.  My first CD was prevented from being approved for half a month because I said he was different than most elves.
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Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #32 on: January 31, 2007, 09:40:17 AM »

Ok, I posted new personality. Can i get a look over my CD? Please and thank you.
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #33 on: February 02, 2007, 11:45:04 AM »

  Weivoc--better, much better!  Sorry that I can't uri-check just yet, but keep reworking your history...what's the festival?  Why'd he slaughter everyone there, and why were people impressed?  Explain things so that even someone with a 5-year-old's intelligence (me) could understand what's going on.

  Keep revising, and good luck!
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #34 on: February 02, 2007, 09:09:29 PM »

Ok, I added a little more detail. I hope that helps explain it better for people. Thank you for the comment Kelancey
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #35 on: February 03, 2007, 07:34:27 AM »

  Coo, Weivoc!  'Ere's Queprur's fellow!  Please accept my comments in green.

"Overview: ...Even though his hair is sort of long, it has never given him away."
Move this to the Physical Appearance section.

"Physical Appearance: ...From his body structure, one would suppose he is not very strong but a weak and fragile man. Even though he is actually strong, but his body structure deceives the eye and gives him a different appearance.
This has ever been a conundrum.  How about condensing this morass to: "His physique suggests a weak and frail man; however, he is actually very strong."

"He has some tattoos that are just the drawings and not colored in."
Otherwise known as stencils.

"Arms...This is over tight sinuous rippling muscles." "Sinuous" means winding and curved; do you mean "sinewy", lean yet strong?

"These are from long periods of working out and strengthening these muscles in different ways."
If he works out regularly for bodybuilding and dedicated strength, endurance, and speed training, you should include this in his History section.

"Personality:
    Even though he is from a polite and sincere tribe, he has always been different including his personality. He says that he doesn't have a strange outlook. "  This sounds off; how about, "He has always been different; some say he has a strange outlook, though he refutes this commentary vehemently."

"He says we are destined to become very strong, yet compassionate in someway, and show that you are more superior compared to others.  He thinks this because this is what he has always thought, since he has been an outcast."  This doesn't make sense; please rephrase.

"He has always been afraid of being in a giant crowd.[period]  When in one, he gets nervous and can easily lose control and start attacking people.  He does not mind openly telling people the truth, because he thinks people who lie are just weak people who deserve to die."  Note that this doesn't make him an assassin, it makes him crazy and antisocial.

"Though no one knows it but him, he has a soft spot for wolves and foxes and will not abandon one in danger or that is injured. This is because he understands their pain and how they are outcasts for no reason. He also think that with power there comes responsibility. His responsibility is to work for people and do their work for them which is killing and murdering people. Otherwise when making idle chat, he is actually quite normal (but you said he's always been different?) and knows much about what’s happening in the world. Also if one asks, he can have the knowledge on anything that is happening around the world but will not have the knowledge of certain person (this is grammatically incorrect)."

  Okay, Weivoc, I know you've put a lot of effort into this character.  You've come a long way, but you've still got a long way to go.  Key points to focus on for your next revision:
  • Consistency--Why do people see him as different if he's normal in idle chat?  Please scan through for other inconsistencies.
  • Believability--Elves are very long-lived, and as a result mental stability is a common trait among almost all of them.  These are certainly elves who torture and kill for sport, but this is to celebrate the hunt and death.  They might not see hunting and killing humans as murder, but rather giving the gift of death to a lesser creature.
  • True to his culture--Weivoc isn't rebelling against his culture, and he's not forming an opposite reaction to his culture, either.  Eophyrhim are dark and secretive--I think you've covered that part--but they're not butchers for the sake of killing everything.  Hmm...think this point over, is all I can say for now.

  You've invested a lot in him already.  I suggest reread the Eophyrhim for *what they're about* and then daydream about Weivoc the Eophyrhim, a hunter of men in the big city.  You're getting there, just keep reworking him.  Good luck!
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
lukecash
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« Reply #36 on: February 03, 2007, 11:01:11 AM »

Hmmm, ilove that concept, i'd like to be the character who just gets provoked in a crowd and starts massacring every body,how fun...
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lukecash
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« Reply #37 on: February 06, 2007, 08:35:18 AM »

Ooooookayyyyyy, you don't need to overreact, i hate it when stupid people just keep talking and talking and you're surrounded by it, and that really wasn't sarcastic, i think it would be pretty cool to just kill a bunch of npc's all of a sudden for fun...
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Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #38 on: February 06, 2007, 10:10:53 AM »

Ok well I'm not gonna go any further with that so can I get a comment or two when someone hsa time. I don't mind wait though.
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2007, 12:04:09 AM »

  Forgive the quick read-through.  It looks like you've addressed the points I mentioned, well done!  I'll ask one of the other mini-mods to give their opinions at this point.  Looking good, from my standpoint.
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #40 on: February 07, 2007, 06:30:51 AM »

Thank you and I will await the time when they find time and feel like it.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2007, 06:31:08 AM by Weivóc'Neán » Logged

RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #41 on: February 10, 2007, 06:34:34 AM »

Besides some mindless chat and a comment of no errors on someone's watch, I havent had a real comment about the CD with something wrong with it since february 2nd. May I please have a look through by someone? Please and thank you.
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Leida Kereborn
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« Reply #42 on: February 10, 2007, 09:37:13 AM »

Weivoc, I'll read through your CD this weekend.  If I don't, go ahead and send me an angry PM. :)
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Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #43 on: February 10, 2007, 03:12:06 PM »

I don't mind the wait, so far I can tell I'm really close to approval hopefully. And I will send a PM, but not angry, just a reminder PM. Thank you for Letting me know though and taking time to uri-check.
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Weivóc'Neán
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #44 on: February 18, 2007, 01:24:16 PM »

It been about a week and a half since last comment saying i had something or nothing wrong. Can I please get one soon? Please and thank you.
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RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
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