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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Glásáj Raház // Sevari // Thief  (Read 5268 times)
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Leida Kereborn
Wandering Opportunist
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Human, Helcrani


« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2007, 02:56:24 PM »

Welcome to Santharia, Glásáj!  I'm also on the road to being titled, but let me see if I can give you a few hints.  I know I'm not a mod, but Santharia has consumed me for the past few weeks and I've done quite a bit of reading, so I hope you don't think I'm just some pretentious newb telling you what's wrong. ;)

Ok, I'm going to do a kind of Uricheck, which is just an indepth review, but...well, I'm really, really picky. :D  Comments in teal.



Name,
Glásáj Raház

Gender,
Female

Age,
134

Race,
Elf

Tribe,
Coór'hém Tribe (The Sevari)

Occupation,
Part Time Jeweler Lovely!  Clearly you read through the Coor'hem entry. :)

Title,
Bandit

Physical Appearance,
Like one of the things her species is known for she has snow-pale skin and dark eyes; hers are a dark brown. She is tall and slim with curves, a very womanly figure and complexion What is a womanly complexion?  Clear skin?  I don't think complexion itself is too important (do they even have acne in Santharia?), but you might say something like, "She has skin as smooth and unblemished as fresh snow".. She has raven colored hair, usually braided, and incredibly long How long, exactly?  You don't need an exact measurement, but just specify whether "incredibly" means to her waist or hips or ankles!. She has quite a few tattoos Where and what?  Again, be specific but overly so.  Something like, "A series of interlocking circles on her bicep, Styrash runes on her shoulers" etc., and a somewhat muscular figure making her look like a warrior, like her species are known as You don't need to say this.. Her lips are usually painted a bright red, her eyelids are usually painted dark purple and her nails are usually painted pitch-blade. She is scarred from battle What battles?  Where is she scarred?  I mean, if it's under clothing all the time it's no big deal, but if the scars are visible, they should be described here., she's missing her right pinky Ooh!  How?  Explain this in your history, it's interesting!, and under her left eye is a pale pink slash from a guard's daggerAgain, how, where did she get it?

Your physical description is very good but still needs a little work.  As for the where and how and everything, you can give a brief explanation in the physical description area, but where you can show the events that culminated in her scarring and tattoos and everything.  They're typical things for her tribe, yes, but it's important we know how she got them, why she decided to get them (in the case of the tattoos and piercings) etc.  But that's for history. :)

Clothes,
She wears a black leather sleeveless shirt that ends just below her chest, just like the females of hers species are known for, she wears tight-fitting clothes like her black leather pants. She also wears black leather boots and dark purple, almost black, leather gloves. She wears tons of jewelry: her wrists are smothered by silver bangles, and her gloved fingers are covered by silver rings some with onyx in them. On her neck she wore a black leather collar-like piece on her neck with a small silver coin dangling from it. Her ears are covered with silver hoop earrings, she has a onyx gemstone on her left eyebrow, and three small silver hoops on her bellybutton. ...can you fit three hoops in your bellybutton?

Personality,
She is mysterious, she doen't like to share her past with anyone, she's quiet and doesn't talk much, when she does dark she's usually cold, cruel and sharp. She's fierce in battle and doesn't like to fail at anything. She stopped trusting others a long time ago.

This is still quite vague, and when reading her history, it doesn't make much sense.  Like in the physical description, you can go into massive detail later, but you should at least give a little hint about some things here, like why she's stopped trusting other people, why she doesn't like to fail, etc.  People aren't just born cold, cruel, and suspicious, after all.

Strengths And Weaknesses,

Just for clarity's sake, these could be listed in bullet form:
1) Skilled jeweler
2) archery
etc.  Then after each, maybe a brief description of why these things are strengths and weaknesses, and how they help or hinder her. 


Strengths,
An Excellent Thief, This isn't a strength, it's an occupation.  What makes her a skilled thief?  Is she nimble-fingered and quick, or super stealthy?  Perhaps she uses her beauty to get close to men and then lighten their coin purses? A Skilled Jewely Maker Is this a strength?  I suppose so, but explain how.  I'm assuming because it makes her money?  But if she's such a good jeweler, then why does she need to be a thief?  Thieves rarely have a real profession, they're all dirty freeloaders. ;), Her Bow And Arrow, Skilled With Her Daggers Again, explain how.  Can she pin a fly to a wall from 10 peds away, or hamstring a man before knows what hit him?  Same goes for her bow and arrow.

Weaknesses,
She Is Easily Attracted To Handsome Men, No Matter How Much Of A Cheat Or A Fraud, Why?  This is interesting, so go into a little detail, and tell why exactly it's a weakness.  Perhaps they steal the jewelry she makes, or beat her, or something? Cannot Kill Innocent People, Even When Necessary, When is it necessary to kill innocent people?  Why is this a weakness?  Remember, you're being compared to the average human/elf/dwarf/etc., not another warrior, and normal people don't kill innocents anyway. Low Defense What does this mean?  Defense can't really be calculated, per se, so just saying "low defense" isn't very helpful.  Is she physically weak, or unaware of her surroundings?  Is she just a terrible defender?  Although, if this were the case, you'd have to explain how she managed to live so long!, Can Sometimes Be A Bit Too Vain In Battle And Underestimate The Opponent

A format question.  Why Is Every Word Of Your Strengths And Weaknesses Capitalized?  It's not a huge deal, of course, but it's a bit distracting.
 
History,
Her dark brown eyes glistened happily up into the faces of her parents, she stretched out her short arm for them, lying in the crib. Her mother's dark blue eyes also glimmered, but hers glimmered with tears and sadness. Her father's black eyes were intent, they seemed angry... Her mother's face turned to her Father's "must we?" She asked, her voice quivering. When someone speaks, it's a new paragraph. He nodded. "I know someone who can watch over her, but we must put our duties first." He said sternly. She nodded and wiped the tears from her dark blue eyes. She bent over and kissed the baby gently on the forehead. "Never forget us." She said with a half smile. "We must go now." He said and grabbed her arm. The baby closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. 
This is interesting, but incredibly vague.  Why are her parents leaving her, presumably walking out as she's sleeping?  Who ends up caring for her?  What "duties" is he referring to?  As far as I can tell, there's nothing about the Coor'hem that would force them to abandon their child.  Glásáj may not remember this event clearly, but you, as the writer, should know it inside and out.  Though the scene is very intriguing, your CD should tell us everything about your character, even if, when you RP, not everyone else will.
~a few years later~ How many years?  Elves live a long time, so a few years to them may be, say, 20.
She stood at only 1 ped, her black hair up in a bun. "Glásáj." Said the woman at the oven. "Yes Yráná?" She asked. "Can you go up to the town square and get some bread?" Yráná asked. Glásáj nodded and smiled. She walked out of the house, closing the door behind her. She walked down the cobblestone path, she looked at the forest, "I'll just take a shortcut..." She mumbled and started through a small section of the forest instead of going around it. She walked for a while, then a man walked in front of her in a dark red cloak, his face and bodies were concealed. She looked up at him. "Glásáj." He said, she was taken aback that he knew her name but replied "yes?" All the same. "Yráná can't fend for you forever, you know, I've been watching over you ever since your parents left. You have progressed much in those few years." He said.  She smiled "thank you, Sir, but what do you want to tell me?" She asked. "You'll have to learn to earn your own money, learn a craft, a jeweler would be a good trade, but thievery's what really earns the gold." He said, then walked off. She got the bread and returned to her home, but Yráná was gone. Again, interesting but very very vague.  Who is Yráná?    Where does this take place?  Who is the man in the woods and what does having a jeweler to do with anything?
~many years later~
"Cár'scál!" She called through the shop. The tall jeweler walked out of his office and into the room she was working in. "Yes?" He asked. "Well," she began while cutting a ruby to fit the golden bracelet. "I was wondering if you knew anything about my parents?" She asked. Cár'scál's forehead started dripping sweat, he coughed as if choking on something, then he said. "Nope, back to work." He said and quickly scrambled out of the word she was working in. She fit the jewel into the braceket and walked outside, she handed it to the customer then walked back in. "Cár'scál! I'm going on my break now!" She yelled up to him and walked out of the jewelry shop. 'Thievery's really what earns the gold.' She thought, remembering the man.
~A few years later~
Sae'llán had taken her in and in return she would teach Sae'llán to make jewelry. "Sae'llán! I'm going out!" She called, she was a young woman now, and had slowly taught herself to be a thief. She walked out of the house, she went up to a merchant stand. "Mister, is this all you have?" She asked him, looking around the tent. "No ma'am." He said grinning, let me go get something from the back." he said, and just as he turned around she snatched up a set of jeweled daggers and walked off. She walked back into Sae'llán's home. Sae'llán smiled happily at her, with a hint of sorrow in her eyes. "Darling," she began. "I think you should go out and travel, this little old town just isn't exciting enough for you." This is out of the blue.  She said. Glásáj was a bit taken aback at first, but then agreed, gathered up her things, and went on her way...

Your history is a series of nice scenes that don't seem to connect or make much sense with the rest of your profile.  None of this explains anything else, or why she distrusts people, or is so cold and severe.  Who are these people who are coming in and out of Glásáj's life?  What happened to her parents?  Why did she listen to that man in the woods?  Where does any of this happen?  Does she stay in Nybelmar among the Coor'hem, or does she leave?  She'll have to be in Santharia to participate in any stories, but her whole history doesn't have to take place there.  Like Amaria said, really get into your character.  Look around the main site and get some ideas where Glásáj could be at any point in her long life.  I know when I was doing my CD, I had no idea what I wanted until I started looking around, and just reading through the entires got me going, so that I couldn't even fit it all in! 

Weapons,
Her Belt Is Filled With Knives And Daggers, A Black Quiver Filled With Black-Painted Arrows And A Black Bow

Belongings,
Her Custom Onyx And Silver Jewelry, Her Custom Bow, Arrows, And Quiver

Again, why are these all in capitals?

Height,
2 Peds

Weight,
1.5 Pygges  These should go up at the top, but that's totally minor.

It looks good so far, just the history that needs the most work.  But that's the case with almost everyone.  Do some research, fill in the gaps, and you'll be titled in no time. Remember, this isn't a one or two day process.  Some people have their CD up for weeks before they get titled.  Good luck!
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"They'll build a statue of us, then later say it's all our fault."

"Wherever you go, you have your rump behind you."
Glásáj
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Posts: 19



« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2007, 04:31:34 PM »

Thank you! I made the changes, and I think I'm starting to get it. grin
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Amaria
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Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2007, 11:56:24 PM »

Don't worry, you are doing really well. I keep watching your character become something more each time I read the CD. I won't do a complete Uri-check but I did see a few things that may help your CD read better. In the Personality and Appearance areas you only use the pronoun 'she' and that can dull the sections. Perhaps use elf, woman, Glásáj or some other descriptions. It adds intrest as well.

In the appearance you describe battle type wounds. That should definitely be part of her history (you can add a specific time for the wounds to occur rather than saying they happened while she was young). Her personality is a bit brief still, you need to remember that you put she gets drunk easily. How does her personality change?

For the weakness involving close spaces... how closed does a space have to be? Is indoors good enough or does it need to be a closet or small tunnel? Also, how do you define odd? Is she babyish and clingy or prone to rage and kill while in a small space?

As for the history, you can explain within it that the stranger is her father without Glásáj finding out. Just add a sentence in there explaining the truth. I'm glad you gave her the parents, but is her mother alive? Or did her mother's death break her father? Is insanity something Glásáj will be prone to?

If her current caretaker is killed just as her mysterious watcher tells her it's time to strike out on her own... wouldn't she be suspicious of him and his advice? For all she knows the man killed Yráná and was just having fun with her...

Also, how does the part time jeweler and thief learn archery and how to throw daggers so well? Is it while she's a thief or later? When she is 25 she should be fully grown (think 17-18 year old human). You have that she is just 1 ped at that time.

Don't worry, this is probably the most typing/retyping you'll do for Glásáj. :)
« Last Edit: January 20, 2007, 12:13:40 AM by Amaria » Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Leida Kereborn
Wandering Opportunist
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Posts: 147


Human, Helcrani


« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2007, 12:11:59 AM »

I agree with Amaria.  This is the hardest part of the RPG, just getting titled.  But once you have a full, well-rounded, in-depth character, it's going to make rp'ing so much easier.  You won't have to make up history as you go, and if people want to incorporate a plot point that will, say, play on the character's fears, all they have to do is look up your CD to have a great new storyline.  Plus, this part also familiarizes you with Santharia, which is, naturally, crucial to roleplaying.

Your CD is already looking better!  This is a longish process, getting titled, but worth it.  If you feel a little stressed or confused about what needs changing, you may take a day or two to step away from your CD (as is a good idea with all writing) and clear your head.  That way, when you get back into reworking whatever you were having trouble with, you'll start with a fresh palette.  It makes editing significantly easier. :)
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"They'll build a statue of us, then later say it's all our fault."

"Wherever you go, you have your rump behind you."
Glásáj
New Santharian

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Gender: Female
Posts: 19



« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2007, 07:42:23 AM »

Thank you! Any more suggestions or comments to make it the best that it can be are appreaciated, but I am also a little stressed with this, but oh well, I have a feeling it will be worth it! I'm glad I joined The Santharian Dream, I can tell it's going to be a great site! grin
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Lesalendral
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2007, 07:48:40 AM »

I like it, I think it looks better then mine did when it got passed. I don't think your that far from getting passed.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2007, 07:49:14 AM by Lesalendral » Logged
Glásáj
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Posts: 19



« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2007, 08:01:30 AM »

Thank you! grin grin grin
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Glásáj
New Santharian

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Gender: Female
Posts: 19



« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2007, 11:05:50 AM »

Okay, I added a few changes, I've taken your advice and slowly molded Glásáj into the best roleplayer character I'ver ever created, so, any more comments? They would be appreciated, I want her as close to perfect as possible. Thank You!
« Last Edit: January 20, 2007, 11:08:01 AM by Glásáj » Logged

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Lesalendral
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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2007, 11:18:39 AM »

This is one of the best I have seen in a while. It looks to me like you should be ready to pass.
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Glásáj
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« Reply #24 on: January 21, 2007, 04:48:02 AM »

Really? I hope so... :)
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Glásáj
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« Reply #25 on: January 21, 2007, 06:02:04 AM »

Any More Comments?
« Last Edit: January 21, 2007, 06:14:51 AM by Glásáj » Logged

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Kain Cristar
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Elf, Co'orhem Kayrrhem


« Reply #26 on: January 21, 2007, 08:34:15 AM »

Let us see what the Divine Aspect has to see on this CD.

His words of wretched wisdom are tainted blue

Name,
Glásáj Raház

Gender,
Female

Age,
134

Race,
Elf

Tribe,
Coór'hém Tribe (The Sevari)

Occupation,
None

Title,
Bandit

Overview?

Physical Appearance,
Like one of the things her species is known for she has snow-pale skin and dark eyes; hers are a dark brown. She is tall and slim with curves, a very womanly figure, and practically flawless skin. She has raven colored hair which is usually braided, and incredibly long, hanging to just above her knees . This sentence has some punctuation difficulty, but it gets the point across. She has quite a few tattoos, most of them black roses, and a somewhat muscular figure making her look like a warrior. Her lips are usually painted a bright red, her eyelids are usually painted dark purple and her nails are usually painted pitch-blade black?. I thought she was curvatiously womanly? Most muscular woman I have seen lack the womanly curves. How do the two mix in her frame? She is scarred from battle, she's missing her right pinky, and under her left eye is a pale pink slash from a guard's dagger.

Clothes,
She wears a black leather sleeveless shirt that ends just below her chest, just like the females of hers species are known for, she wears tight-fitting clothes like her black leather pants. She also wears black leather boots and dark purple, almost black, leather gloves. She wears tons of jewelry, her wrists are smothered by silver bangles, and her gloved fingers are covered by silver rings some with onyx in them. On her neck she wore a black leather collar-like piece on her neck with a small silver coin dangling from it. Her ears are covered with silver hoop earring, she has a onyx gemstone on her left eyebrow, and a small silver hoop on her bellybutton.

Personality,
She is mysterious, she doen't like to share her past with anyone, she's quiet and doesn't talk much, when she does dark she's usually cold, cruel and sharp. a fair run on. She's fierce in battle and doesn't like to fail at anything. She stopped trusting others a long time ago. Though when drunk she acts totally differently, once drunk she usually won't shut up and answers any question asked, she's kind and bubly, kind of peppy and jumpy. I want to see more here. This is shallow, I want to see who this woman is.

Strengths And Weaknesses,

Strengths,
1) An Excellent Thief
2) Incredible Aim With Her Bow And Arrow
3) Good With Her Daggers, Can Pin A Fly To A Wall From 10 Peds Away
4) She Is Nimble-Fingered, Stealthy, And Quick, She Uses Her Beauty To Get Close To Men And Relieve Them Of Precious Possessions You describe two completely different strengths here, and they should be listed as such.

Weaknesses,
1) Vain In Battle, Often Underestimates The Opponent
2) She Despises Closed Spaces, And Acts Odd When In Them, She Gets Paranoid In Small Rooms Or Narrow Caves
3) Gets Easily Drunk, And Once Drunk Almost All Of Her Knowledge Can Be Revealed
4) Her Eyesight Is Somewhat Clouded in Daylight
5) Gets Injured Easily, And doesn't Know the First Thing About Healing

I think you are a bit unbalanced. The only weaknesses I see that are truely hers are 4 and 2. Most elves do not have what one would call a high tolerance for alchohol, and most drunks are easy to ply for information. I think you need to clairify on 5. It's pretty easy to get injured in a fight, but if she is constantly getting herself hurt, then thats a different thing. Also, most people are not skilled healers. I would like to see some more depth on weakness 2 also. What does she do in small places? How clouded is her eyesight?

History,
Her dark brown eyes glistened happily up into the faces of her parents, she stretched out her short arm for them, lying in the crib. Her mother's dark blue eyes also glimmered, but hers glimmered with tears and sadness. Her father's black eyes were intent, they seemed angry... Her mother's face turned to her Father's "must we?" She asked, her voice quivering. He nodded. "I know someone who can watch over her, but we must put our duties first." He said sternly. She nodded and wiped the tears from her dark blue eyes. She bent over and kissed the baby gently on the forehead. "Never forget us." She said with a half smile. "We must go now." He said and grabbed her arm. The baby closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
~5 years later~
She stood at only 1 ped, her black hair up in a bun. "Glásáj." Said the woman at the oven. "Yes Yráná?" She asked. "Can you go up to the town square and get some bread?" Yráná asked. Glásáj nodded and smiled. She walked out of the house, closing the door behind her. She walked down the cobblestone path, she looked at the forest, "I'll just take a shortcut..." She mumbled and started through a small section of the forest instead of going around it. She walked for a while, then a man walked in front of her in a dark red cloak, his face and body was concealed. She looked up at him. "Glásáj." He said, she was taken aback that he knew her name but replied "yes?" All the same. "Yráná can't fend for you forever, you know, I've been watching over you ever since your parents left. You have progressed much in those few years." He said.  She smiled, "Thank you, Sir, but what do you want to tell me?" She asked. "You'll have to learn to earn your own money, learn a craft, a jeweler would be a good trade, but thievery's what really earns the gold." He said, then walked off. She got the bread and returned to her home, but Yráná was gone.
~40 years later~
"Cár'scál!" She called through the shop. The tall jeweler walked out of his office and into the room she was working in. "Yes?" He asked. "Well," she began while cutting a ruby to fit the golden bracelet. "I was wondering if you knew anything about my parents?" She asked. Cár'scál's forehead started dripping sweat, he coughed as if choking on something, then he said. "Nope, back to work." He said and quickly scrambled out of the word ? she was working in. She fit the jewel into the braceket and walked outside, she handed it to the customer then walked back in. "Cár'scál! I'm going on my break now!" She yelled up to him and walked out of the jewelry shop. 'Thievery's really what earns the gold.' She thought, remembering the man.
~20 years later~
Sae'llán had taken her in and in return she would teach Sae'llán to make jewelry. "Sae'llán! I'm going out!" She called, she was a young woman now, and had slowly taught herself to be a thief. She walked out of the house, she went up to a merchant stand. "Mister, is this all you have?" She asked him, looking around the tent. "No ma'am." He said grinning, let me go get something from the back." he said, and just as he turned around she snatched up a set of jeweled daggers and walked off. She walked back into Sae'llán's home. Sae'llán smiled happily at her, with a hint of sorrow in her eyes. "Darling," she began. "I think you should go out and travel, this little old town just isn't exciting enough for you." She said. Glásáj was a bit taken aback at first, but then agreed, gathered up her things, and went on her way... She passed a man on her way out of the village her fingers nimbly snatched his coin purse from his belt, she reached up to scratch her cheek and just as she was going to walk out of the village a guard slashed his dagger, her pinky falling and a gash under her eye. "Return the purse, thief." He snarled, she dropped the coin purse. "Sharp eyes." She said to the guard, and walked out of the village. When a person cuts your finger off, you don't just give a little wry remark and walk off. Perhaps you scream in pain and run past the gaurd, loosing him in the forest. He would bring you under whatever punishment system the Coor'hem use. If he caught you.

Just To Clarify
Her Mother was was a Healer and her Father a Warrior for the Military, at the time she was born they had been sent on a mission, when they didn't return most thought they had died so didn't speak of it to Glásáj. Her Father had arranged Yráná would look after her until she was ready to leave, what he didn't count on was her disappearance, most thought she had been kidnapped, in truth, she had been murdered because of a blood feud. Although she learned the trade of jewelry making she gave it up when she went on her journey. How this ties in with her personality, as she was leaving the town she heard people whispering about her parents dying, so she thought the people in the village had lied to her. The man in the cloak was her Father, I know a Father wouldn't usually suggest thieverey to their child, but after many years in the woods her mother died of starvation, which is why her Father went insane and they didn't return after their 4-year-mission. Sae'llán sent her on a journey because she had gotten word that her cousin had started a blood fued with another family and she didn't want Glásáj getting killed.

To join any rp stories, you character is going to have to end up in Santharia. Also the society you describe sounds more like humans than elves.

Weapons,
Her belt is filled with knives and daggers, a black quiver filled with black-painted arrows and a black bow

Belongings,
Her custom onyx and silver jewelry, her custom bow, arrows, and quiver

Height,
2 Peds

Weight,
1.5 Pygges

You CD needs to be in the correct order layed out by the CD tutorial. So far it looks pretty good, but I would like to see her history changed so that she sounds more like an elf than a human. Reading over the Coor'hem and other elven entries might give you a feel for how their society works. I don't feel comfortable with the mention of a Coor'hem military, or with the starvation story. It seems strange that two people who had lived off of the woods all their lives could starve in them. Perhaps your father was consripted to fend off some of the Coor'hem's enemies who were constantly attacking a few settlements, say the Chyrakish. Watching a Chyrakisth rip your wives throat out as he tore her to peices amid the screams of the dying might drive one to insanity.
Logged

You have lived a life of cruelty and atrocity, you have bathed in the blood of the innocent, you have considered every act of depravity and your corruption knows no bounds. I am the angel of justice, I am the accumulation of all of your sins. Prepare for your redemption.

-Kain Cristar, Divine Aspect
Glásáj
New Santharian

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« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2007, 04:34:15 PM »

now?
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Kareesh Valendar
Hatred's Fury
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« Reply #28 on: January 30, 2007, 06:45:26 AM »

Remember to use the correct posticon. The queston mark is only to be used if a moderator has a question on the CD.

Anyways, since you feel that you are ready for approval, I'll take a look over it tonight. *nods*
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Glásáj
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« Reply #29 on: January 30, 2007, 09:18:40 AM »

Thank You! heart heart heart
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