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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Motzamora  (Read 3593 times)
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Lesalendral
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« Reply #15 on: January 20, 2007, 10:14:32 AM »

Its looking a lot better now. Your getting there.
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Vaan
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« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2007, 10:32:24 AM »

what can i do to make it better. grin
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Lesalendral
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« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2007, 10:55:50 AM »

Honestly nothing that I can see. I think you should follow my earlier advice, I mean Zarra's actually. Get Clancy the Green to take a look.
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Vaan
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« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2007, 10:57:30 AM »

i just sent him a message to check my character out. thanks to all for the advice. Thanks!
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Lesalendral
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« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2007, 11:00:59 AM »

Hey, no problem. I'm working on my new character, so I know how frustrating it can get. Just hang in there, and don't give up like I did once. If you need anything, let me or Zarra know.
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Vaan
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2007, 11:05:28 AM »

 Thanks! im glad i have some people to call for help already.
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Lesalendral
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« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2007, 11:10:52 AM »

I love to help as best I can.
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Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
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Human, Erpheronian


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« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2007, 12:37:38 PM »

Greetings, Centaurorian Motzamora!  Welcome to Santharia!

Leida, I'll have that publicity check to you by tomorrow morning.  grin
(Thanks for the good word, Leida.

Please take no offense from my editorial suggestions in green.
Name: Motzamora shyhoryu

Race: Human (Use capital letters for headings.)

Tribe: Centoraurian

Age: 21

Gender: Male

Eye color: Green

Hair: Black

Height: 2 peds

weight: 1.9 pygge

Physical appearance: Motzamora is very stout and skinny due to a high metabalism. A high metabolism would tend to make someone skinny, as you note; however, "stout" and "skinny" are contradictory terms--choose another term besides "stout".  How about "hearty" or "fit"?  For example, "Motzamora is hearty and fit though skinny, due to a high metabolism..."
 He has a crippled leg and strong looking arms.  He has a scar on his back from a sword accident, and one on his right arm from a fight he was in as a child.  He has very thin eyebrows and small ears.  He has a tatoo of a dragon starting on his neck and ending at the waist line.  He has a short rounded nose and a regular sized mouth.
You've laid down a very good skeletal picture of him, now add the flesh and color in his skin.  I like that you've added descriptive details, such as scars on his back and right arm.  Now describe how he won those scars in your History section!  This is exactly what makes your character unique and interesting, the retelling of *how* he became who is.
Some general suggestions:
1) Write in full sentences; you sometimes lapse into sentence fragments.  Whereas we're all just as anxious as you are to see Motzamora develop, that process is *much* easier for the simple readers that we are if you write in full sentences.  :D
2) Run "Spell Check" after each modification you make.   ;)


Clothes: A leather tunic with his family coat of arms on the back. [Full sentences.]  A belt with a gold belt buckle and a string for his sword sheith, black, weathered leather pants. [Full sentences.] boots made of leather with iron guards on the top,a brace on his left leg, a small cloth hat with a small dragon wing on it.  [Full sentences.]  and a fur cloak made from the first wolf he killed with his bow as a child. [Full sentences.]
Despite my harsh comments in this section, the content is quite good.  You've not only read up on traditional Centoraurian dress, but also added your own accents to his garb.  Outside of revising technical stuff, this looks solid.

Weapons: A centoraurian short sword, a long bow

Occupation: Formerly sold horses, currently revenge-seeker

Personality: Vengeful.  He will use any reason to kill someone who gets in the way of his goal, and he will never stop until he reaches his goal. He usually stays to himself and dosen't join groups or teams unless he has no other choice, because he feels that anyone else will get in the way of his goal.  He never talks to anyone unless they know something about the bandits who killed his parentsHe never stays in one place for too long, preferring instead to travel alone to make the most of his time.  He always believes his parents are watching over him during his travels. will do anythind that will get him closer to the bandits. [Redundant]

Title: The Silent Shot  (This should go after Weight, before Physical appearance.)

Strengths: (Format it like this:)
     --Fast and agile
     --Very intelligent
     --Good accuracy (with his bow, and somewhat less with his sword)

Weaknesses:
-Has a tendency to be over confident and rush into a situation head-on when the fight is clearly over his head
-His left leg is slightly crippled after a hores kicked him in the leg.

magic: none (Not necessary if the entry doesn't apply.)

Possesions: His parents left him the stables, their special trained horse, their house, a quiver of magic arrows, and a knife that was passed from father to son through (seven, for example) generations in their family.
Watch out, *all* magical items are really highly restricted, and you need special permission from a really high-authority moderator.  I would strongly encourage you to make these arrows precious, and of superior quality, and unique in composition and fletching, but otherwise mundane, non-magical arrows.

History:
[Paragraph]    As a young child he always looked up to his father as a horse salesman. (If your father raises these horses as well, he could also be titled a "horse groomer" or simply a "rancher".)  That's a good start, now fill in from age 2 to 7.  What did Motzamora do at home?  Did he play with a wooden sword, as the Centoraurian Elite Forces trained at hand-to-hand combat in the wheat fields at sunset?  Did he pick up his father's bow, against his mother's wishes, and practice hitting targets behind the corral?
[Paragraph]    When he was 7, he got a sword and a bow. he was a natural with the bow and wasn't as good with the sword.  (Who trained him?  How'd he become good at such a young age?  Add some believability to your character, it will take you far.)
[Paragraph]    When he was 8, he was kicked in the leg by a horse.  He soon recovered, but never recovered completely.
[Paragraph]    When he was 9 years old his father and mother both died during a bandit raid.  (This is a major life-altering event for a boy of 9 years, you must describe more.)
[Paragraph]  He was left with his uncle to run the stable.  In about 2 years, at the young age of 11, they got the business back on track and were selling more hoses than ever.
[Paragraph]  His uncle passed away when he was 17, and now he had to run the business by himself.  It had been 4 years after he took over, and he became one of the most successful horse salespeople in Santharia.  It was then that another group of bandits raided his town again, taking all of his horses and killed them(leave this for later in the story, it's an unexpected twist that the bandits are slaughtering horses they fought to steal).
[Paragraph]    Motzamora later discovered (how? from whom?) that they were the same group of bandits that killed his parents, and went out to seek revenge.  On the way through the forest,...

Okay, I'll leave the rest for you to read through and edit.  My impression after reading through this version is that you certainly have enough plot points to fill in a pretty interesting story, but it's going to take a good amount of storytelling to fill in the frame youve laid out.  I wish you good luck, and great writing!  Keep at it, Motzamora!
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Luca the Thief
Guest
« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2007, 05:27:47 PM »

It's been a while, so I'll just refresh us all on the drill.

...

Consider the drill refreshed.

Name: Motzamora shyhoryu

race: human

tribe:cetoraurian

Age: 21

Gender: Male

Eye color: green

hair: black

Height: 2 peds

weight: 1.9 pygge

physical appearance: very stout and skiny due to a high metabalism Stout and skinny? If I'm not mistaken, the actual definition of stout is short and, well, not skinny. Do you mean just short?. has a crippled leg and strong looking arms. has a scar on his back from a sword accident, and one on his right arm from a fight he was in as a child. has very thin eyebrows. small ears. has a tatoo of a dragon starting on his neck and ending at the waist line. has a short rounded nose and a regular sized mouth. Flesh this out! This section is boring and systematic. What about his skin tone, the character in his face. The shape of his eyes. What kind of air does his stance emit? If I saw this person on the street, what would I think?

clothes: A leather tunic with his family coat of arms on the back.a belt with a gold belt buckle and a string for his sword sheith, black, weathered leather pants , boots made of leather with iron guards on the top,a brace on his left leg, a small cloth hat with a small dragon wing on it. and a fur cloak made from the first wolf he killed with his bow as a child.

weapons: a centoraurian short sword, a long bow

occupation: formerly sold horse Um. Horses, as in plural? Or did he sell a horse once and now lives off this?

personality: revengeful. will use any reason to kill someone who gets in the way of his goal.will never stop until he reaches his goal. will usually stay to himself and dosen't join groups or teams unless he has no other choice. he feals that anyone else will get in his way of his goal. he never talks to anyone unless they know something about the bandits. never stays in one place for to long. he perfers to travel alone to make the most of his time. always beleives his parents are watching over him during his travels. will do anythind that will get him closer to the bandits. His entire personality is consumed by revenge? I find that very hard to believe. Mor e more more! Does he have a sense of humor? Does he like women? Does he like men? Does he like fighting? Does he like drinking? Is he sarcastic? Sensitive? Does he write his grandmum a letter once a week? The personality section is possibly one of the most important sections! We want to know what this guy is thinking, feeling, wanting.

title: the silent shot

strengths: he is fast and agile,very intelegant, good accuracy. Okay. What about his personality? Is he a good talker? Is he charming? Perhaps he's a good sense of character. Also, flesh this out. How fast and agile is he. How intelligent is very intelligent? How good is his accuracey? What makes him this good? Also, since you mention two weapons (arrows and sword) you'll have to outline your profficiency in both. It is advisable that you are only good with one, and simply knowledgable with the other.

weaknesses: - has a tendency to be over confident and rush into a situation head on when the fight is clearly over his head
-also his left leg is slightly crippled after a hores kicked him in the leg. Good start. How does this handicap effect him as a whole? This is very important since it will help us weigh just how much of a weakness this is, not to mention help mods make sure that you're playing your character correctly. So, does his injured leg hurt more in the cold? Does it make him limp/look weak? Does it make it harder for him to move? Any or all of these, or whatever else you can think of.

I also think you can think of more personal weaknesses than that. Look at my comments for Strengths and consider the opposties. Is he shy? Is he clumsy?


magic: none This is then an unnecessary point.

possesions: his parents left him the stables, their special trained horse, their house, a quiver of magic arrows Guh, stay away from magic. It's rare and scary and hard and we're way too picky about it. If you insist to persist, then we'll need a good explaination for how you got these, young man., and a knife that was passed from father to son in their family.

history: As a young child he always looked up to his father as a hose salesman.when he was 7 he got a sword and a bow. he was a natural with the bow and wasn't as good with the sword Who trained him? For how long? How often? Was he passionate about it or was it just expected of him?. when he was 8 he was kicked in the leg by a horse Why?. he soon recovered but never recovered completely. but when he was 9 years old his father and mother both died during a bandit raid I hope you know that right now, Sarvonia is in relative peace. Therefore, completely random and horrifically violent bandit raids are pretty rare. Did his parents anger these bandits in some previous occurance somehow? Details please.. he was left with his uncle to run the stable. Why wasn't he killed too?  in about 2 years they got the business back on track and was selling more hoses than ever, and he was only 11 What did he do to help? Was it all his uncle or did he help run the business?.then when he was 17 his uncle passed away, and now he has to run the business by himself. it has been 4 years since he took over, and he is one of the most successful sales persons in santharian That's a pretty hefty claim... one that I doubt severely. He's far too young to have such a title. Tone this down a bit, or explain in detail what makes him so successful.. then another group of bandits raided the town again Again!? I doubt it. and they took all of his horse and killed them Why? Bandits are smarter than that; they'd take and sell them.. motzamora went out to seek revenge on the bandits after learning that they were the same group that killed his parents.

on the way through the forest he saw a light in an opening and found a quiver full of arrows with diamond heads and black shafts. he shot one into a tree and it cut straight through. then the arrow came back in the quiver in perfect condition. he then knew that the arrows were made by the gods and sent by his parents. Nooo way. First of all, if you want these magical arrows, you're going to need a better backstory (no divine intervention... we don't allow this because there is no difinitive "proof" that the gods themselves exist in a sense that could physically alter our world). In addition to this, you'll need to explain the magic behind these arrows. And their existance is a strength in itself which should be added to the above section. My advice? Scratch em. They are not necessary to your character in any which way.

he then saw a cloud of smoke farther in the woods. he went there and found the bandits slaughtering the horses. motzamora went in and killed all but one bandit. he questioned the bandit to the were abouts of there leader the bandit then said "i'll tell nothing". the bandit pulled a knife and killed himself. motzamora turned and set off to find the bandit leader to avenge his parents.

Luca's Final Thought: Detail. More. Detail. Flesh out. Detail. This is your character description. This is your character's resume and, not to mention, their entire essence of being until they've been played and fleshed out in a story. You want it to be very nice. And by that I mean maybe clean up your writing style a little, it's a bit choppy (He this.... He this... He this... He has this...etc). Also, spell and grammar check. Preferably use something like Microsoft word, but if not, just go through with a fine comb and capitalize and properly punctuate and all that jazz.

A really good start, but it just needs that little extra oomph.
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Vaan
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« Reply #24 on: January 21, 2007, 02:31:18 AM »

Ok. now this is like the 7th revise so far. I'm sure it's not perfect yet, but i'm sure it's getting there. please reply and tell me what you think.
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