* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Calendar Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Embed Maximize


Newbies, read these!

Character Creation
FAQs
Restrictions

Main Site
Portraits
Rules
Story Creation
Racial Crossbreeding
Magic

Contact
Tips and Tricks
IRC Chat
Measures Converter
Elven Aging Calculator
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 6   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Alassiel Telrúnya  (Read 20893 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« on: February 22, 2007, 07:47:49 AM »

Name: Alassiel Telrúnya
Gender: Female
Age: 75
Race: Elf
Tribe: Ak’váth’rhím (But adopted into the Injerín)
Hair Color: Jet Black
Eye Color: Dark Brown
Weight: 1 pygge, 3 hebs, 1 hafeb
Height: 1 ped, 9 palmspans
Occupation: Singer-songwriter, Artist
Title: Temperamental Bard
Character Portrait: http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/7919/charcterportraitalassielm1.jpg

Physical Appearance and Clothes
Alassiel has a heart-shaped face, silky jet black hair and very dark brown almond-shaped eyes, which appear to be black at first glance. Her eyes usually have a twinkle, which can quickly become a dangerous glint, and they always seem to look alert and wide awake. She has a small, delicate nose and mouth, and her K-9 teeth are more noticeable than most.

It is rare to see her dressed fancily, as she only dresses up on very special occasions. She can usually be seen wearing simple bright purple gowns, which are suited for outdoor activity, and soft brown leather boots. She usually wears her long hair down loose, but sometimes she ties it up in a single ponytail to keep it out of the way when she is working. She can be identified by a long multi-colored feather earring in her right ear, or the arm band she wears with lavender feathers dangling from it.

The origin of Alassiel’s attachment to feathers goes back to when she was a young child. Her foster-parents didn’t let her have a pet, claiming that she was too irresponsible to take care of one. As a result, she took to collecting feathers to make up for not having a pet. She dyed most of them purple, which was her favourite color. The habit stuck with her until adulthood, when she decided that collecting feathers was silly; but she didn’t want to just throw them away. So instead, she used the feathers for jewelry, and always has them with her.

Personality
Alassiel sings, sketches, and composes songs for a living, but also for the joy of it. She loves all animals, with the exception of insects, which she considers pests. Although she may not know the languages of most animals, she always seems to get on exceptionally well with them. But the animal she loves the most is the cat, be it wild or domesticated. She is particularly drawn to them, although she does not know why.

Alassiel is always loyal to her friends. She is good with weapons, and learns very quickly, which means she also has no problem learning other languages. She is really sociable, as well as readable; one can almost immediately tell at first glance how she is feeling, which may or may not be a good thing, since she is quite temperamental, very self-conscious, and easily embarrassed.

However, she can be extremely stubborn or brash. Often saying things which weren’t meant to be voiced, which often causes her tongue to lash out at the one who annoyed her, although she may regret it later. She is very picky on food and not very willing to try new things, which would often cause problems when she eats as a guest in other people’s homes. Also, she is fairly vain; yet that doesn’t necessarily mean that she likes to cover herself from head to toe in fancy clothing, or boast to her friends about her achievements.

Alassiel is a bit of a feminist. When there are things like tournaments around, she likes to offer her support to the contestant whom she thinks will win, and she usually chooses a female, unless there are no females to support. She doesn't deny that males have talent as well, but she always instinctively takes the women's side.

Alassiel is only superstitious on the topic of names. Although she is not married, she has planned names for possible future offspring for many years. She believes that names determine a child's personality. For example, if she meets a girl who suffers from a terrible sickness, she would make a mental note not to give that girl's name to any of her future children. This idea was influenced by no one, but was one of her imaginative theories.

Alassiel is attracted to 'trinkets'; she loves anything which is pretty, glittery, shiny, and delicate. She usually goes for small items, small enough to keep in her pockets, as she thinks that most big and bulky items are a nuisance to carry around.

Strengths
•   She is naturally sociable with a tendency to forgive anyone who offends her within a short amount of time. That way, she has more friends than enemies.
•   Her ability to think fast can be used against enemies in combat.
•   She knows quite a few languages other than Tharian and Styrásh which could prove useful when trying to communicate with others (she has learnt Thergerim, Kuglimz'Seitre, Mermish and Brownin, but she is less fluent with Mermish).
•   She is always good to her friends, whether she is angry or not. Unless, it is the friend who made her angry in the first place. Peace comes faster.
•   When she starts working, nothing, not even meals, can stop her from finishing the work (she normally gets frustrated when she has to leave her work to eat, and she starts to think of meals as pests). Her determination could save her life one day.
•   She can remember everything she wants to remember, so she would have no trouble remembering a face, or important events.
•   Her extraordinary skill with her longbow and her armored fan makes her one to be reckoned with.

Weaknesses
•   Her temper, which causes many fall-outs between her and others.
•   She is terrible at most physical activities, which would not help when up against the enemy.
•   When she does a job, she does it well…unless she loses interest or gets distracted.
•   Sometimes she has a temptation to choose reputation and appearance over her friends, and she risks losing her friends and being seen as selfish.
•   One has to try hard to actually get her to work, and laziness is not good.
•   Her tendency to wriggle out of work could one day be used against her.
•   Her strong fear of ogres could lead to terrible consequences if she had to deal with one in the future.

History
Alassiel was originally born into the Ak’váth’rhím tribe, but then was transported into the Shaded Forest and left in a few bushes to die. She was only a few months old. She does not mind being asked about why she was abandoned. She would truthfully say that she does not know what the reason for her abandonment was, but she thinks the most likely reason was because her mother didn’t want her.

When an elven Injerín couple found her, she was close to death, and barely breathing. They took pity on her, in spite of her obviously being of dark elf flesh and blood, bringing her into their home in Lýlei’Soulá. They adopted her, named her Alassiel, and raised her as their own. Alassiel's father was a successful merchant, although not one of the richest. Alassiel grew up an Injerín, and the only indication that she is not of Injerín origin is her appearance.

Twenty years after Alassiel was found, Alassiel's foster-father, Luthien, was on business in Southern Sarvonia when he saw a young girl stumbling, almost blindly, towards him. She was covered in dirt and her face was tear-stained, and she looked exhausted. She was of the Tethinrhim tribe, noted from the tattoo on her left arm.

He questioned her, not unkindly, about why she was in such a state. He learned that her name was Seh'nara, and she was trying to find her way home. She had been crossing a wide river in a boat with her parents when something had gone horribly wrong and they had started to sink. Seh'nara's mother had been quickly swept away in the current. Her father had managed to swim to safety, keeping a firm hold on Seh'nara. He had told her to wait until he came back with her mother. Then he had jumped back into the river, and that was the last time Seh'nara ever saw him alive.

She had taken a long time to finally acknowledge that both her parents were dead. When she did, she tried to find her way home. Unfortunately, she did not know the way back. She spent days wandering around, and she was about to collapse with the effort, when she saw Luthien. He looked like someone who could help her, and she decided that she had nothing to lose if he couldn't. So she stumbled over to him.

Luthien's heart went out to the girl, and he brought her home with him. Seh'nara was the same age as Alassiel, but because the Tethinrhim aged slower than the Ak’váth’rhím, Seh'nara was physically and psychologically the younger of the two. When Alassiel was first introduced to Seh'nara, she gave her a warm welcome, saying that she had always wanted a sister. Alassiel and Seh'nara soon grew to really close to each other.

From a young age, Alassiel took an interest in singing; her foster-parents would gently encourage her, but they always corrected her when she went wrong and gave her their opinions on the various songs she composed. When she got older, she became a student of the Bard School Féarn’teloría. After several years, she decided to take a short break, if a few years could be considered short. She then began to wander around singing for anyone who would listen and selling her sketches.

Earlier in Alassiel’s life, her foster-father, who was an artist, saw her potential in art and gave her informal lessons. She got better and better at art, sketching in particular. She attended a good, but not very well known art school. However, she soon dropped out, as she tired of it. She lost interest and became restless, longing to be off traveling. Now she just sketches as a hobby, but sells them to anyone who is ‘stupid enough’, in her opinion, to like it.

During her 'break', she gradually became known for her temper as well as her voice, earning the title of Telrúnya the Temperamental. Whenever she was seen striding about fuming with a dark expression, many would scuttle out of her way, for fear that her tongue would be unleashed on them. But they did enjoy the songs she would later sing in her room to calm herself down. She is very sensitive, and would often take offence to something someone had said which had been meant as a joke.

Although Alassiel took a break from the Bard School, she continued learning; except what she was learning did not have much to do with sing. She started learning languages. As she travelled, she met all sorts of people. She was keen on languages, so she decided to try and learn as many as possible. She perservered until she knew fluent Thergerim, Kuglimz'Seitre and Brownin (although she had to try particularly hard to find someone to teach her Brownin, she succeeded in the end). Then only did she relax and did not try as hard for Mermish.

If someone asked her why she has such a hot temper, she would just shrug and say that when she is annoyed at someone. She feels like she would say anything to stop that person doing whatever it was to annoy her. Annoying actions are minor things such as someone talking to her while she is reading. And it is true that she has very little control over her tongue. The words come flying out, and she cannot stop the flow until it is too late.

Alassiel has done nothing truly outstanding or spectacular in her life so far, since she prefers to feel mostly on the safe side, (but not totally unexposed to danger; She can be a bit of a risk taker), and she tries not to look for adventure; but if one unexpectedly comes her way, then she would not be the one to try to stop it.

Alassiel is very skillful with her weapons, a longbow and an armored fan. Her parents were very 'enthusiastic', as she likes to put it, about her training. In fact, they were so enthusiastic that they had her practicing with the longbow as soon as she could hold the weapon without dropping it. As a result, she got very good, and she still rises early every day to practice with it.

As for the armored fan, it was only recently given to her as a gift from her friend, Phoenix, who is a dancer. Alassiel met Phoenix when stumbling across an unpleasant scene where a few rough men were harassing the dancer. Telrúnya the Temperamental took over, and only after she had the men cowering from her tongue, did she let them go. Phoenix became one of her closest friends, and bought her the armored fan out of gratitude. Alassiel soon learnt how to use it, and it is even said that she favors the armored fan over her longbow.

Alassiel has a familiar; a cat named Fern. Alassiel found Fern as a kitten in a quiet part of the Shaded Forest. She was lying in the forest ferns (that was how she got her name), struggling to breathe. Her mother was not in sight, and it was unlikely that she was coming back, seeing as Fern was not in a litter, but by herself. Alassiel could not bear to see Fern abandoned as she had been, so she adopted Fern, in spite of her foster-parents’ protests. Fern recovered, is now in the pink of health and has stayed with Alassiel ever since.

Belongings and Weapons
Alassiel does not like burdening herself with too many things. In her opinion, bags were a burden. If she brings too many belongings, she tends to lose them in a couple of weeks anyway, and she wastes her money buying them again if they were precious or useful, so she makes sure that she will always have a few secret pockets in her clothes to carry her ‘trinkets’ in. But currently, she just has her silver mirror, which was the very first item she purchased as soon as she started earning her own money, her purse consisting of all her money and a book of blank paper for sketching. For weapons, Alassiel has a longbow and an armored fan. Alassiel's only visible possession is her longbow.

Familiar
It is thought that Fern is Brendolian, since she certainly acts and looks nearly like one. However, the star shaped mark on her chest and tiger-striped tail is very unique, so she might only be half Brendolian. She has snow-white fur, apart from the black star-shaped mark on her chest, light green eyes and the black tiger-stripes on her unusually long tail.

Fern never seems to age, physically or mentally, although she has been with Alassiel for many years, so many years that Alassiel has lost count. She has taken to draping herself around Alassiel’s shoulders, and appears to understand what she says to her, but whether Fern truly does understand, Alassiel is not sure.

Many people would think that having an animal to care for would be a nuisance, but on the contrary, Alassiel likes having Fern around. She is very good company, and loves the attention she gives her. Alassiel is sure Fern sees herself not as a pet, but as a companion. She eats whatever she can find in the taverns Alassiel performs in. As they travel from one place to another, she likes to ride on her companion’s shoulders with an air of superiority, but as soon as they arrive, she would immediately jump down and wander off, but never fails to find Alassiel, wherever she is, if she wants attention.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2007, 02:21:09 AM by Alassiel » Logged

Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 617


Human, Erpheronian


Homepage
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2007, 08:12:35 AM »

  Alassiel, welcome to Santharia!  Please permit just a simple comment or two on your character description.

  While you are still working on your CD, please use the message icon "Char Status 1--Work in Progress".  Also, you have essentially the gist of the CD template, but please use this format for the introductory section:
  Name:
  Gender:
  Age:
  Race:
  Tribe:
  Hair Color:
  Eye Color:
  Occupation:
  Title:


Last, please tell us about Alassiel's History!  Where did she come from, how was she educated or trained, what has she done in her life, and so on.  Good luck in your work to come!

Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Simonne Miller
Guest
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2007, 05:38:29 PM »

I have one small remark at the moment: I'm afraid you can't have a book that shrinks or expands at will. This would be a magical artifact, and artifacts are not allowed, certainly not if they have not been developped. You can have a book, but not a magical book.
Logged
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2007, 06:08:00 PM »

Okay, sorry, i'll modify it.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2007, 06:49:49 AM by Alassiel » Logged

Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2007, 08:15:16 PM »

and how specific am i supposed to be in stating where I come from? is saying that I come from the shaded forest enough?
Logged

Weivóc'Neán
Forsaken
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 471


Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2007, 06:19:51 AM »

Not really, which is why research on this type of thing is good. Also, one thing that Kelancey forgot was that you need a seperate weight and height section in the top for easy and quick access.
Logged

RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2007, 07:56:45 AM »

Right. Seperate Height and Weight section, do more research on location, a lot more detail. Is that all I need to do? Please tell me if I need to change anything else. And... I need at least 2 moderators' approval of this, right? Does a mini-moderator count? And please state clearly if my CD is approved of or not.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2007, 08:05:15 AM by Alassiel » Logged

Weivóc'Neán
Forsaken
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 471


Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2007, 08:08:06 AM »

No mini-mods dont count but they recommend ready Cd's to the higher ranks such as mods and admins. It is most likely not approved yet but if given time, and of course patience most of all, you will be approved and playing.
Logged

RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2007, 08:15:15 AM »

How long does it take on average for someone's cd to be approved? Sorry if I'm too full of questions.
Logged

Weivóc'Neán
Forsaken
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 471


Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2007, 08:20:31 AM »

Not sure average, but can take anywhere from a week to maybe a year or two depending on stibborness and maybe just putting it off.
Logged

RP'ing: Speech Thoughts
A link to my CD: Weivóc'Neán

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2007, 08:25:47 AM »

Halleluia. I am soooooo delighted by this wonderful info. Oh well, I guess I'll have to have more posts, then; no waiting until I'm approved until I actually start posting. Just asking (again), is this kinda like a blog? Except that the topic is permanently on Santharia.
Logged

Drasil Razorfang
Remote Rover
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 1292


Elf, Meladrhim/ Injerin


« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2007, 10:08:18 AM »

Generally it takes ranging form a month too three for a first CD approved(at this point, if not approved people generally give up.)  Some exceptional ones are approved in less than a week, or after a first read through, but usually a first CD will require much editing.  The only way to shorten this process is to do your research.  Look through the main site to see if the things in your CD are possible and read all the entries relating to topics that appear in your CD.
Logged
Scael Pelegrene
Rapscallion and Swashbuckler
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 355


Human, Stratanian


« Reply #12 on: February 23, 2007, 10:12:25 AM »

Alassiel,

You might try looking into the character archives sections as well for good examples of properly formatted and approved characters. Those will also have the running commentary that was posted during the process and can give you a good idea about how approval works.


Scael Pelegrene
Logged

“I hold a beast, an angel and a madman in me, and my enquiry is as to their working, and my problem is their subjugation and victory, downthrow and upheaval, and my effort is their self-expression.” - Dylan Thomas
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #13 on: February 23, 2007, 05:49:44 PM »

Thanks for your advice; I will try to get my CD approved as quickly as possilble by doing more research, looking through the character archives and I will keep checking and editing my CD.
Logged

Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #14 on: February 24, 2007, 03:18:05 AM »

Heya Alass ^.^ Welcome to Santharia! I am gonna give a few comments on your CD here.

Name: Alassiel Telrúnya
Gender: Female
Age: 75
Race: Styreian {This race doesn't exist in Santharia. I believe you mean "Elf", assuming such from the tribes you have chosen}
Tribe: Ak’váth’rhím/Injerín
Hair Color: Jet Black
Eye Color: Dark Brown
Weight: Just above 1 pygge
Height: Just above 2 peds
Occupation: Singer-songwriter, Artist
Title: Bard

I sing, sketch and compose songs for a living, but also for the joy of it. I have a strong bond with all animals with the exception of insects, which I consider pests. During my spare time, if I’m not singing, sketching or composing, I can be found in the nearest Library, buried in a book. {Libraries are not a commonality in Santharia, and neither are books. You can count the number of decent libraries on one hand in all of Santharia. So, unless she remains in the large "capital" cities, then this will not happen.}

Physical Appearance and Clothes
I have jet black hair and very dark brown eyes, which appear to be black at first glance. I have a small, delicate nose and mouth, and my K9 teeth are more noticeable than most. I weigh approximately 1 Pygge and I am just over 2 peds tall.{I hope you do realize that you currently are standing at 6 feet and 6 inches, weighing 100lbs. That is very skeletal. Someone that height can easily be 120lbs and still be quite skinny} My eyes have a tendency to look vague, but the vaguer my expression, the more acutely I’m attending to something.{How can someone's eyes look vague?} It is rare to see me in cosmetics; I only wear cosmetics on very special occasions. {Santharia doesn't have "cosmetics". It is referred to as paint, and it isn't common except in nobility and certain tribal customs.} I can usually be seen wearing simple bright purple gowns which are flexible {I don't think "flexible" is the proper word to use here} and suited for outdoor activity. I can be identified by a violet feather earring in my left ear, or the arm band I wear below my elbow with lavender feathers dangling from it.{The feather decorations are quite unique and not characteristic of either tribe you have chosen. Why does she use feathers for accessories?}

Personality
I am always loyal to my friends. I’m good with my hands as well as weapons, and I learn very quickly. I am really sociable, and I am readable; {This didn't really make a lot of sense. How is she good with her hands? And how is "being good with her hands" a personality trait?} one can almost immediately tell at first glance how I am feeling, which may or may not be a good thing (I’m quite temperamental, very self-conscious and easily embarrassed). {Please no parenthesis, especially if the writing within them is relevant to what you are describing.} However, I can be extremely stubborn, prideful or unthinking. {Brash is the word you will want to use} Often saying things which weren’t meant to be voiced, with very little patience which often causes my tongue to lash out at the one who annoyed me, although, of course I regret it later. I’m very picky on food, which would often cause problems when I eat as a guest in other people’s homes. Also, I’m really vain; yet that doesn’t necessarily mean that I like to cover myself from head to toe in jewelry (i.e. dress fancily). {There is more to being vain than jewelry. Definition: having or showing undue or excessive pride in one's appearance or achievements; Conceited.}

History
Originally born into the Ak’váth’rhím tribe to the then most dominant female, I was wanted by my mother to inherit the title when I was older.{I'm sorry, but we don't allow such 'titles' in characters. Please read up on the Restrictions Thread.} However, I was taken before I could fulfill that wish by those of the tribe who wanted someone else to become the most dominant female in the future. {This doesn't make sense with how the tribe works. Yes, they may be vain, but they aren't kidnappers.I was transported to Northern Sarvonia and then carelessly placed in a few bushes in the Shaded Forest and left to die. When an elven Injerín couple found me, I was close to death, and barely breathing. They took pity on me, in spite of me obviously being of dark elf flesh and blood, brought me to their home in Lýlei’Soulá, adopted me and raised me as their own. I grew up an Injerín, and the only indication that I am not of Injerín origin is my appearance. {This action isn't characteristic of the Ak'váth'rhím, despite the fact of which being born to such a title is not allowed, even if you never obtain it or keep it.}

From young, I took an interest in singing; my foster parents would gently encourage me, but they always corrected me when I went wrong and gave me their opinions on the various songs I composed. When I got older, I became a student of the Bard School Féarn’teloría. I was good enough to achieve a Bard's Ring. What is this "bard's ring" you are referring to? I cannot find any references on the site to such a ring.After that, I decided to take a short break, if a few years could be considered short, and just wandered around singing for anyone who would listen and selling my sketches.

Earlier in my life, my foster-mother, who was an artist, saw my potential in art, {No comma} and gave me informal (but useful) lessons. I got better and better at art, sketching in particular, until my artwork was almost as good as a professionals. But just to polish it off, I attended a good, but not very well known[/color] art school. {Since you were not naming a particular school, no capitalization as it isn't a proper noun without a "title".} However, I soon left, as I was told that there was surprisingly nothing to teach me except a few tips. I made sure that I didn't let this go to my head. Ok, your 'skills', as such a young elf are just simply not really plausible. For one, elves have a different learning standard and curve than do humans, so they do not progress as quickly as humans do as they work to perfect what they do. Having a natural talent is ok, but elves would go beyond that of a natural talent and study art and study music beyond just drawing and singing. Neither of which you have expressed in your description of your history.

During my 'break', I gradually became known for my temper as well as my voice. Whenever I was seen striding about fuming with a dark expression, many would scuttle out of my way, for fear that my tongue would be unleashed on them. But they did enjoy the songs I would later sing in my room to calm myself down. Why such a temper? What would cause such tantrums? How was her "tongue" fearsome?

I have done nothing truly outstanding or spectacular in my life so far, since I prefer to feel mostly on the safe side,but not totally unexposed to danger; I can be a bit of a risk taker, and I try not to look for adventure; but if one unexpectedly comes my way, then I won't be the one to try and stop it. You mention in your belongings you have a long bow and an armored fan. When were you trained to use these? An armored far is considered an exotic weapon and takes special training to use with a decent amount of skill. Please mention in your history if you were trained in either of these at all. If not, please mention in your belongings/weaknesses they are merely for show.

Strengths and Weaknesses
I’m sociable with a tendency to forgive anyone who offends me within half an hour, although when I lose my temper, no one would be able to save the victim from a tongue-lashing. My hands are nimble and swift, although I am terrible at sports, when I do a job, I do it well…unless I lose interest or get distracted. I always defend my friends, although sometimes I have a temptation to choose reputation and appearance over them. One has to try hard to actually get me to work, although when I get started, nothing, not even meals, can stop me from finishing the work (I normally get frustrated when I have to leave my work to eat, and I start to think of it as a pest). I can remember everything I want to remember…and forget everything I want to forget. Ok, before I comment at all on your strengths and weaknesses, it is usually preferred that you list them out in separate categories. This makes it easier for us to determine what is distinctly a strength and what is distinctly a weakness.

Belongings and Weapons
I don’t like burdening myself with too many things, so I make sure that whatever I wear, I will always have a few secret pockets to carry my little ‘trinkets’ in. But currently, I just have my silver mirror, which was the very first item I purchased as soon as I started earning my own money, my purse consisting of all my money, and a book of blank paper. For weapons, I have a longbow (the weapon which the Injerín are feared for) and anarmored fan.


Personally, I am not a huge fan of people writing their descriptions in first person, as many details tend to get overlooked instead of writing it in third person. Also, you use "I" a lot. Try going through it and reorganizing your sentences so you don't necessarily have to use it, as reading it over and over again is distracting and slightly boring. Overall, I feel as if there is something missing or this CD is largely incomplete, yet that could also be the first person issue. The way it was written seems to be elementary, like I feel you could do so much better with terminology and how things are worded.

Its a great start! It just feels like there are lots of gaps which need to be filled.
Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 6   Go Up
Print
Jump to:  

Recent Posts
[July 23, 2019, 07:02:29 PM]

[July 23, 2019, 07:02:23 PM]

[August 01, 2018, 03:13:13 PM]

[June 19, 2018, 12:49:51 PM]

[April 28, 2018, 03:44:22 AM]

[April 13, 2018, 06:36:29 AM]

[April 10, 2018, 08:32:04 PM]

[March 09, 2018, 05:45:59 PM]

[February 13, 2018, 12:19:59 PM]

[January 02, 2018, 02:30:49 AM]
Members
Total Members: 2837
Latest: beaker
Stats
Total Posts: 214554
Total Topics: 8049
Online Today: 2
Online Ever: 216
(November 30, 2006, 09:08:03 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 7
Total: 7

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx