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Author Topic: Hylphán'ác'órril - Avennorian, Arthyron; Adventurer/Fighter  (Read 16155 times)
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vepier
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« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2007, 10:02:19 AM »

i really like yours hopefully it will be approved soon evil
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Hylphán
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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2007, 11:09:18 AM »

Just wanted to give it a boost, it dropped to the second page.  Fine tuned the CD a little...  Hoping for  some approvals!
« Last Edit: March 29, 2007, 01:07:27 PM by Hylphán » Logged

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Hylphán's CD
Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2007, 05:59:00 AM »

Your CD is filled with incomplete sentences and ablative absolutes, which unfortunately are not part of good english grammar.  Please read through your CD and weed out these errors to make it more coherent.
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Hylphán
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« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2007, 04:33:10 PM »

I rewrote many of the sentences to make them simpler.  I also completed the sentences in my bullet points under strengths and weaknesses.  Hopefully it reads clearly enough to come close to approval.  Please comment extensively.  I want to join in on a storyline as soon as possible.
Any input will be greatly appreciated!
« Last Edit: March 30, 2007, 04:45:54 PM by Hylphán » Logged

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Hylphán's CD
Hylphán
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« Reply #19 on: March 31, 2007, 11:55:10 AM »

Just trying to keep it on the front page for comments.
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2007, 12:31:19 AM »

Hello Hylphan and welcome to Santharia.  I see Kar has already given you one check, so I'm going to go through and see if any new problems have popped up.  Also, when you go through and make changes in accordance to the URIs please color them so we know all our comments have been addressed.


Name: Hylphán'ác'órril  (Hylphán for short)
Gender: Male
Age: 58
Race:  Elf/Human(Avennorian mother and Arthyron father),
Tribe:Avennorian and Arthyron (Racial cross-breeds are highly discouraged for first characters due to complications that arise.  Luckily for you since both your tribes are sea-obssessed, their mix is plausible, but I would still suggest only choosing one.)
Eye Color: Soft grey to light blue eyes (depending on mood and what color clothing)
Hair Color: Blond hair fading into white
Height:  2 ped, 6 nailsbreadths (shrink yourself down.  Remember, the Avenorians are exceptionally small and you are currently taller than both your tribes.  If anything you would be somewhere inbetween.)
Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs
Occupation: Adventurer/ fighter
Title: Venturer

Physical Appearance:  He has a slim but muscular build, and a slight point to his ears.  His skin is weathered, with the ruddy color that comes from years of exposure to the elements in many different climates.  His facial features look as if chiseled from stone.  He has a strong jaw-line that adds strength, and sometimes menace, to the softspoken, yet firm voice.  When the mood changes and he starts to get mad, his eyes glisten a sharp steel blue, adding to the look. 

     In the presence of friends, in a comfortable atmosphere, that stone face melts away. It is replaced by one that is creased with laugh lines, and his soft grey eyes light up with the glow of someone who loves life.

    Although he is very skilled in battle, his body bears the reminders of many heated battles.  Like the very fine 5 nailsbreadths scar following the jawbone and just under the edge of his left jaw-line, from a knife in a tavern fight (He was only 19).  It's barely visible if you're not looking for it. 

     Then there is the horizontal 6 nailsbreadths, 4 grain scar on his right shoulder near the neck (and it's mate on the back side).  The sword thrust went right through, scraping the bottom of the collarbone. Along with this one are the two across the palm of his right hand, and the fingers of his right hand.  These came from holding that sword there, while he killed his opponent.
 
     He has a vertical 9 nailsbreadths on his right side above the second rib from a dying opponents spear jab. Luckily there was only enough force behind it to lodge the spearhead in the bone of both ribs, not penetrating any further. 

     He has a few scars of various shapes and sizes on both hands, and a few defensive scars on the outside of his right forearm.  His large hands look like they would be clumsy, but he has amazingly nimble fingers.  This gives him great skill at the small, intricate bone and wood carvings that he does. (this has gotten better, but a bit more elaboration would be nice.  You do a great job focusing on details but a more general view would be nice.  Look at the appearance sectiosn of your two tribes and then combine them into a nice complete character.  Things such as compelxion, hair length and things like that are good things to have.  Look in the archives for more examples)
Clothes:
     While traveling (which is most of the time), he wears a long sleeved, green leather tunic with a broad tan collar band. This is cinched at the waist with a broad leather belt, that has a large, leaf shaped buckle.  He keeps his green leather gloves tucked into the belt when they are not being worn.  He also wears matching tan leather, leggings tucked into the top of tough leather woodsman boots that come up the leg to the top of the calf.  He generally is seen wearing a matching cloak with a hood, held on by a silver chain and a silver, leaf shaped clasp. (Since he coems from two sea-faring tribes that wear the same clothing, it would make sense for him to wear this traditional attire.  Genearlly the members of his tribe wear water-proof cloaks, boots, tunics and pants because they are optimal for sailing, which is the type of traveling they partake in.)

Personality: 
     Around friends, Hylphán'ác'órril is usually soft-spoken, but easy and outgoing.  He has a good sense of humor, and a hearty laugh.  His quick eyes match his quick wit.
 
     Among strangers however, he is usually quiet and reserved, absorbing everything going on around him.  He has his moods when he is very quiet and contemplative, but these times are not frequent.

     In general, he hates seeing good people getting bullied by people who think they are better.  He will usually react, calmly at first, with only the amount of objection needed to cool down the situation.  However he will not hesitate to use force if needed.  He usually gives the opponent an opportunity to back down gracefully, without losing face.

Strengths:

Although he is highly skilled with the recurve bow and the sword, especially the Shamshir, he is fully trained in the spear, and dagger as well. (This is a bit much for your age.  Remember, even though he is part human, he will learn considerably slwoer because he is an elf.  I would keep only two weapons at most if you wish to be balanced enough to be passed. )

-He is no stranger to battle, and is well versed in both arms techniques and battle strategy.
         
-He has a more than passing knowledge of Doimo Brawling, though not up to Doimo
standards.  His adoptive Doimo family teased him about that all the time. He is proficient enough to best anyone that they could.

-As with all elves, he is an exceptional woodsman, he can melt into the trees and
become a part of the forest.
     (All of your strengths are combat oriented.  While it is ok to have one or two, you also need to touch upon other things.  Personality quirks and the liek are always good to have as well as interesting hoobies.  I would suggest cutting this back to two styles of fighting/weapons and battle knowledge and than use the rest of the space for other stuff.)
Weaknesses:

-He is a sucker for a kid in trouble, which means he then has to face the person (or
persons) who are mad at the kid.
         
-He will occasionally push himself past the limits of his endurance, causing physical
collapse, if the situation warrants it.
         
-He hates to see anyone mistreat a horse.
         
-He will not tolerate anyone mistreating a woman!
         
-The last two items on the list tend to be frowned on by many, and quite frequently causes trouble.
(Right now, you are extremely unbalanced.  You are highly proficient with many weapons and have no major weaknesses.  Unless you plan on making him an amputee of giving him some other gigantic weakness you will have to cut back.  Even if you do remove some of your strengths, you will also need to add some larger weaknesses to your character.)

History: 

     I am not a very good history commentor, so I will look at this once the rest of your CD looks good.  Feel free to PM me once you are done with corrections to look at this section.
Weapons: 
     His shamshir is of exquisite make and design. The hilt is wrapped with soft black leather and braided silver wire, and the blade - obviously not a stranger to use - has a row of runes engraved down each side from hilt to tip.  It hangs on his right side, the only indication that he is left handed.  Hylphán carries an ornately carved recurve bow he crafted himself, with ivory nocks on the ends and an inlaid ivory arrow rest worn smooth from use.  The quiver full of arrows matches the color of his cloak.

Belongings: 
     Hylphán owns a silver chased saddle, with saddlebags.  These contain food, 2 sets of lightweight city clothing, another set of traveling clothes, and a few small keepsake belongings.  He wears a large silver ring with an ornate crest of the Arthyron tribe.  He bought this from a jeweler in the Crimson Isles.  He also wears a heavy braided silver chain around his neck, inside his tunic.

Familiar:  Hylphán currently travels on a roan mare named RedWing. (You are required to elaboratre more on your animal.  Also, this needs to be added as a strength.  Things such as a physical description of the beast, its personality, how strong their bond is, and how he found it are always requirements in addition to anything else you can think of.)
« Last Edit: April 01, 2007, 12:42:58 AM by Drasil Razorfang » Logged
Hylphán
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« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2007, 09:15:24 PM »

All the changes I made are in green for easy identification.
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Hylphán
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« Reply #22 on: April 02, 2007, 08:23:19 PM »

Just keep bumping it back to the first page...
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2007, 01:47:24 AM »

Hey Hylphan!

There are a very few things I'd like to find in your history. The first is a somewhat longer description of when he was born. This does not need to be much, one or two sentences will suffice, but I ask this because I read over that one sentence that you have now, so your story seemed to kind of jump from his father to him when he was 21.
Then, I'd like to know when and where he got his weapons, as I don't seem to have found that in his history even though I think it's rather important for his character. Also, when did he learn how to fight with them?
And thirdly, I'd like to know how he befriended them. Did it start with a fascination for their ways, or was there another cause? Because I don't think he'd want to live in a territory without any surface water without very strong inducement.

With regard,
Simonne
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2007, 06:48:34 AM »

Very good. If you could just fuse the Doimo part that you added to what you already have? It changes a little abruptly at the moment. After that, I will go over it again and see if I can find something else :) (Don't worry, I'm starting to nitpick now, you shouldn't be far from a title *grins*)
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Hylphán
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« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2007, 07:33:29 AM »

Alright, I fused it together and shuffled the sentences around to get a better feel to it.  See what you think and let me know.
Thank you Lady Simonne!
« Last Edit: April 03, 2007, 12:05:28 PM by Hylphán » Logged

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Hylphán's CD
Hylphán
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« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2007, 12:06:39 PM »

Went through and refined it some more. Hopefully it's done...
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Hylphán
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« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2007, 02:41:22 PM »

Bump it up again!
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Hylphán's CD
Hylphán
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Half-Elf, Avennorian/ Arthyron


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« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2007, 09:24:36 AM »

Bump it up again, patiently waiting...
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Hylphán
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1997


Half-Elf, Avennorian/ Arthyron


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« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2007, 11:08:42 AM »

Bumped up...
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