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Author Topic: Aroura Roselyn / Centoraurian / Jeweller  (Read 19988 times)
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Aroura Roselyn
Maiden of the Rose
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2007, 07:44:47 PM »

 I have changed the 3 days to 3 weeks, I know it still is not very much, but I did not say she was very good with her sword and you are right I have absolutely no idea how long it takes to learn how to fight with a sword. I have also changed her eye colour to dark brown, I am actually basing this character around a story I wrote when I was 9 years old and in the story the red eyes were very important but because of all the restrictions on this site, I guess all the reasons I did have are gone. I already had to change so much about her I guess I just wanted to keep something about who she was because that story is very important to me.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2007, 07:46:38 PM by Maiden of the Rose » Logged

And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Simonne Miller
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« Reply #31 on: April 02, 2007, 07:58:50 PM »

Well, in that case I have a suggestion for you: What if she has brown eyes, but when she is standing in the right light, they seem almost red?
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Aroura Roselyn
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« Reply #32 on: April 02, 2007, 08:13:52 PM »

Oh thank you, I will use that if you don't mind, it is a really good idea.  :) grin :)
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And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
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« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2007, 06:53:53 AM »

 cry how come my post isnt good?!
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Aroura Roselyn
Maiden of the Rose
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2007, 08:13:32 AM »

Hi, I would appreciate some more comments please if possible, good or bad or both. Please, don't mean to be too pushy.
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And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Aroura Roselyn
Maiden of the Rose
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2007, 07:27:43 PM »

Hi, don't mean to be pushy; just want to say I would really appreciate some comments on my work. Please.  :) :)
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And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Faryn
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« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2007, 11:45:06 PM »

i thought it was good
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Aroura Roselyn
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« Reply #37 on: April 04, 2007, 12:09:20 AM »

Thank you for the comment :)
and if there is anything anybody can see that I could improve on and tell me, I would really appreciate. :) :)
« Last Edit: April 04, 2007, 12:11:39 AM by Maiden of the Rose » Logged

And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Simonne Miller
Guest
« Reply #38 on: April 04, 2007, 01:01:45 AM »

I'm not sure if your second strength is so much of a strength, because I don't think there are many stories set near where the Centaurorians live. You could make it into a general good sense of direction, though, that would be a strength.
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #39 on: April 04, 2007, 01:05:52 AM »

Hello! My comments will be in this color.

Name: Aroura Roselyn

Gender: Female

Age: 21

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Occupation: Jeweller

Title: Maiden of the Rose

Appearance-
Height: 1.7 peds

Weight: 1.35 pygge

Decimals are frowned upon; it gives the impression that you haven't bothered to do more research on your measurements, though that might not necessarily be true.

Hair colour: Golden blonde

Hair style: Long and curly
Put this in your physical appearance.

Eye colour: Brown, but in the right light they seem to almost gleam a fiery red.
Just say Brown. For the rest, put it in your physical appearance.

Physical appearance: She is quite tall, but has a small frame. She is physically weak with very long and slender legs and quite a womanly figure. Her hair is long and goes down to her lower back; she has pale skin but her eye's burn a fiery red. She is quite ghostly in appearance.
What about the shape of her nose? And her mouth? And her complexion? Does she have any traits by which she can be identified?

Clothes: She wears a long red cape draped over her shoulders held with a diamond brooch and underneath she wears just a simple black dress down to her ankles. Her shoes are plain black with flat soles.
Talk about the quality of your clothes. Does she have any accessories other than the brooch?

Personality: She is very shy and has no real friends, she has been left as a bit of a loner who likes to keep herself to herself. But if she wants to she can be extremely persuasive and can get people to do what she wants them to, so she can get her own way. When she meets somebody new she can get very defensive, as she does not have very good social skills and is scared to risk getting her feelings hurt if she was getgot close to somebody and opens up her emotions,  then that person let her down.

She likes having time alone to just think and relax; she walks for miles by herself just to hear some of the wonderful sounds in the world. When it is silent she likes just being with her thoughts and does not like being in very noisy places.
Surely she doesn't just like to have time alone, or just dislikes noisy places. Isn't there anythig else?

She is a very complex person, and in private she can be very emotional and if she does get a true friend, she likes opening up and telling them how she feels. But she is worried about opening up to most people in case they decide not to be her friend and just leave. A lot of this is because of a traumatic past.
You have too few commas in your personality. You could try reading your CD aloud, and you can add a comma whenever you pause and take a breath.
  
Strengths:
•Many people take pity on her due to her weak and feeble appearance.
•She is good at finding her way round and has a good knowledge of the area around where she lives, and she is very adventurous.
•She is very cunning and persuasive so she can make people do what she wants them to do and most of the time she gets what she wants.

Weaknesses:
•She is very weak and unable to protect herself if she does get attacked.
•She has been known to be too adventurous and end up walking miles away from home to a place she is not familiar with.
•She does not have very good social skills and some people take an instant dislike to her.

Magic: None

History: When she was only 3 days old her house was broken into by a mysterious stranger, who killed both her parents and stole most of their belongings. In the early morning one of the tribal elders went to visit the house, where she found the dead bodies of both Aroura’s parents. Just as she was about to go back to tell the rest of the tribe she heard Aroura’s cry, she went over to the cot where she found Aroura lying covered in the blood of her parents. Also in the cot lying next to Aroura there was a sword covered in blood, presumed to be the weapon used to kill Aroura's parents. The elder picked Aroura out of the cot and the sword then took her to her house.

The elder never told Aroura about her parents and who they were. It was agreed by the tribe leaders that she should have as normal childhood as possible and when the elder who agreed to raise her dies then Aroura would be told what happened to her parents. Aroura was a bit of a loner as a child and never had any real friends. She spent a lot of time with the elder who raised her, learning how to make high quality jewellery that as she got older she started to sell.
How was it that it became her interest to learn to make high quality jewelry? Was the elder who raised her a jeweller? If so, how successful was she?

When Aroura was only 15 the elder died leaving her one silverbard coin, the helcrani shortsword engraved with the word "stranger" that she had found in the cot all those years ago, a diamond brooch shaped like a five pointed star the elder had made especially for Aroura and a note telling her about her parents and what had happened to them but it did not tell her who they were. Since that day, Aroura has vowed to find out who her parents where and avenge their death.

After this Aroura became a wanderer, she would walk for miles around meeting a lot of new people where ever she went. When Aroura was about 17 she met a man on her travels. He never told her his name but they got on really well, he was the first and only friend she had ever had. He tout taught her how to use her sword and they spent 3 weeks together. When she woke up one morning he was simply gone, he did not even leave a note, but on the floor where he had been sleeping she found a gold ring engraved with the word "stranger". The same as on the sword used to kill her parents.
Again, add more commas.

Weapons: A Helcrani shortsword engraved with the word "stranger”, which is presumed to be the weapon used to kill Aroura's parents.
What does it look like? Is it shiny or dull? Well cared for or not?

Belongings: A small leather bag where she keeps, One silverbard coin left to Aroura by the elder of her tribe who raised her, to be used only in an emergency, but she normally has a few sans coins as well.
In the bag she also carries a selection of different materials to make jewellery to sell.
The diamond brooch shaped like a five pointed star, left to her by the elder of the tribe. A gold ring engraved with the word "stranger", left by the man she suspects to have killed her parents, she thought he was her friend.

This is only a rough check. Hopefully this helps a little. Good luck!

Alassiel Telrúnya

PS. Simonne, thank goodness you didn't do a full check as well. :D
« Last Edit: April 04, 2007, 01:07:22 AM by Alassiel Telrúnya » Logged

Aroura Roselyn
Maiden of the Rose
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #40 on: April 04, 2007, 03:25:02 AM »

Thank you for the advice I have made the changes necessary and I hope to a high enough standard.  :) :)
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And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #41 on: April 04, 2007, 03:31:31 AM »

I've noticed a few grammatical errors in your CD. For example, 'the black dress is mad of cotton and 'Aroura became a wonderer.

Also, why would she want to take good care of the Helcrani shortsword which killed her parents? Wouldn't she want to do the opposite? You could either state why she takes good care of it, or put something like, 'she always keeps it with her, because she wants to kill the man with the same sword' or something.
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Aroura Roselyn
Maiden of the Rose
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #42 on: April 04, 2007, 10:09:10 PM »

Okay, thank you, I have tried to check the grammar but I am not very good at that sort of thing. I did copy and paste on to a word document but it said there is nothing wrong.
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And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
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Posts: 1728


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #43 on: April 04, 2007, 10:14:35 PM »

Did you notice the 'Spell Check' button which is next to the Preview button (which is next to the 'Post' button) whenever you're posting something? You could try using that to check your CD. :D
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Aroura Roselyn
Maiden of the Rose
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Gender: Female
Posts: 377


Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #44 on: April 04, 2007, 10:19:57 PM »

Okay, I thought that only does a check on spelling, not grammar. I will try it.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2007, 10:20:41 PM by Maiden of the Rose » Logged

And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
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