* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Calendar Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Embed Maximize


Newbies, read these!

Character Creation
FAQs
Restrictions

Main Site
Portraits
Rules
Story Creation
Racial Crossbreeding
Magic

Contact
Tips and Tricks
IRC Chat
Measures Converter
Elven Aging Calculator
Pages: 1 [2] 3   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin/ Remusian / Fighter  (Read 17337 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
patt0192
Guest
« Reply #15 on: April 25, 2007, 07:43:11 AM »

One little tidbit that jumped right out at me, was the format. It's good so far, but it's hard to find the individual sections. Perhaps you could make things such as Name:, Gender:, Physical Appearance:, History:, and all the others in bold, italics, underlined, or even in another color.

Also, the first 2 weaknesses aren't really weaknesses, and actually could be interesting attributes to his back-story rather than hinderances. He also weighs ridiculously much unless he is fat, which you didn't describe... at least I don't think... hold on... Ah, yes, you say he is not muscular, and in fact, guant. Drop a pygge and you should be good.

In his history you should mention as to why his name is in the ancient tongue. He comes from a wealthy and prestigious background, so that shouldn't be too hard to explain, although it does need to be explained. And also, I think the "common" language you meantion in your strengths is actually called Tharian... correct?

Speaking of your strengths section, you have way too many. Basically you've said that you are wealthy, can read and write, can use swords and lances, and can use a bow above average, which are all things that the average santharian can't do. In addition, you say he is a good horseman. I'd say drop 2 strengths, such as the weapons, or drop 1, and add a large weakness.
Logged
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #16 on: April 25, 2007, 02:08:24 PM »

OK...I have edited and posted said changes in Red.

As for the first two weaknesses, I have embellished a bit on each to show why I think they are in fact, weaknesses.

The weight.  Lol, as I am from Canada, I did not have the proper weight of a stone.  In my memory, I thou gt I remembered it being 40 lbs, and searched it tonight and found it to be 14 lbs, so my estimations were all wrong.  I have therefore changed it, so it should now be 185 lbs, which is not out of line for a thick chested male.

I changed the language to Tharian, thank you for clarifying, and made a reference to the Golden Shield name, though if his name was Smith, I shouldn't think I would need to reference his great grandfather whose was a blacksmith, lol.

I have left the number of strengths and weaknesses as they are, as I (respectfully) disagree that the strengths outweigh his weaknesses.

Thank you for the comments.  Looking forward to more soon I hope.
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Simonne Miller
Guest
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2007, 04:02:42 AM »

All right, I'm here again. I apologize for not coming sooner. I know I promised :p

Name: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin (Altario Golden Shield in the ancient tongue)

Gender: Male

Age: 35

Race: Human

Tribe: Remusian

Occupation: Land Holder

Title: Fighter/Adventurer

Appearance: Having been adventuring for the last few months, and not wanting to draw attention to himself, Altario has taken to wearing common, everyday clothing.  These include; tanned leather breeches, a baggy cloth shirt, hardened leather boots, and a tanned leather jacket.  Most of his clothing has been patched, rather poorly, by himself

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan

Weight: 1 Pygges, 7 Hebs

Hair Colour: Black with hints of grey at the ears

Eye Colour: Grey

Physical Appearance: Altario is an impressive man, tall with a large chest, though not muscular.  In fact, he appears a little gaunt, though he is quite healthy, mostly due to his privileged upbringing.  What mostly catches other's attention is that he exudes heh, I'd read excludes :P Is the article just after my comment necessary? a strength and confidence, and will always look you in the eye. He has that innate aura of someone who has always been in control of his environment, though the lines around his eyes and the little areas of grey hair at his ears betray the fact that this is no longer the case. 

Altario has cold grey eyes that are quite piercing.  He is handsome, but in a mature, weathered way.  When he smiles, somewhat more uncommon than in days previous, dimples appear on both sides of his mouth.  He has a wide scar on his left forearm, a souvenir of a battle long ago.  His black hair falls to his shoulders, longer than he would normally wear it, but the rigors of the road have forestalled any attempt to cut it.  It is kept neat, though, as is the two day growth of beard that adorns his face. Altario sometimes walks with a limp, mostly on cold early mornings, depending on how his right knee feels, as old age is beginning to creep up behind him.

Personality: The cliche “strong silent type” was invented for people like Altario.  He is not one for small talk and prefers to only voice an opinion when it matters most.  Although not officially belonging to any group of knights, he has a strong sense of honour that he adheres to.  It is this honour that keeps him going when his mind and body beg for rest.  Though a born leader, he now prefers to keep a low profile, and tends to act as adviser.  He remembers what it is like to laugh and be happy, though he has found no reason to in many months.  Sullen would be too strong a word, whereas distant would be more appropriate.

Strengths:
------ Altario is an educated, intelligent man.  He can read and write, though he speaks no languages other than Tharian.

----- Altario is very competent with sword and shield, as well as a lance.  He can also handle a bow, though only somewhat better than average.

---- Altario is the son of a wealthy landowner in his homeland, thus he has access to funds by producing promissory notes to elites almost anywhere.  His reputation is beyond reproach and his need for money is minimal, so he usually has no trouble getting money if he needs it, as well as food and a roof over his head.  He is extremely careful not to over use this advantage, and in fact, prefers to keep his wealth to himself.

--- Altario was raised around horses, and is an excellent horseman.

----Altario, being from a wealthy home, fits in well with the elite society, and is quite at home there.

Weaknesses:
----- Altario is on a quest to find his 14 year old daughter, Nayriss.  This is what drives him.  However, it makes him somewhat noncommittal in his dealings with others.  This can germinate into a trust issue, as his priority is now, and always will be, his search for Nayriss.

---- Altario is haunted by the memory of his wife, Riztalyana, who died 8 years ago.  She appears to him in dreams, sometimes offering confusing portents to the future.This makes him agitated, due to the insomnia and vagueness of the dreams, and is a strain on his sanity, with bouts of depression.

--- Altario's personal tragedies have caused him to leave his estate, and have expressed themselves in bouts of depression, manifesting itself in drinking binges and gambling. Does he also have enough money for these things?

-- His quiet nature, coupled with his commanding presence is often mistaken for haughtiness.  This often puts people ill at ease around him who do not know him.

- Altario does not make close relationships.  He tends to be an outsider, with no real enemies, but no one that would call him “friend”.

---Because he was raised as a landowner, Altario sometimes finds it difficult, if not downright annoying, to deal with "peasants".  Likewise, he finds it difficult to treat other races as equals to him, as he has warred with most of them at some point or another. 'warred' seems a big word. There haven't been actual wars for a very long time, and most other races more or less keep to themselves :)

----Altario distrusts all temples because of the secrets that Sebastian kept from him.  As well, he distrusts all types of magic, as where he came from they had a form of witch hunt for many years. I don't know if we actually had witch hunts in Santharia... I asked our webmaster, and he says not. Perhaps you can change this into the general dislike felt by all Remusians because their land was laid to waste through magic, like it says in the entry? The distrust of temples (perhaps you could add people who serve in temples, as well?) is the better weakness anyway, as you won't often see magic users in your travels. These are types of racist feelings that he has found difficult to overcome.

---Altario has begun to feel the effects of age, and his right knee is beginning to stiffen on him, especially in the mornings, or after riding for long periods of time.  Cold weather also brings on the stiffness.


History:  Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin, Altario Golden Shield in the ancient tongue, is the older of two boys born to Johkbar Shialt-eck-Gorrin, a wealthy landowner in Remusiat, at the northern edge of the Heath of Wilderon.  Their estate was known as Urimpaar, and they raised horses that were often sold to the army.  This estate had been in their family for countless generations, from the first patriarch, Teletar, of whom legends recount tales of him fighting with a Golden Shield. Being heir, Altario had a childhood that was spent learning to rule.  He was tutored 8 hours a day by a score of scholars, and trainers.  As a child, Altario was a quick study, and excelled at his lessons, making his tutors, and his father, very proud.

Though close to his younger brother, the wild and impetuous Denrykmar, Altario was secretly jealous of his younger sibling's freedom.  While he was given little freedom between his lessons, Denrykmar was allowed considerable latitude.  When their parents died from plague when he was only 16, Altario became head of the household, and his responsibilities lent him limited time for himself, which drove him and Denrykmar apart. 

At age 18, Altario met the beautiful Riztalyana, and the two fell instantly in love.  She was a young cleric, a healer that was being trained in a temple not far from Urimpaar.  In order to marry Riz, they needed to get special dispensation from the temple, in particular, a cleric, named Sebastian. This does not really work, methinks, because generally clerics are allowed to marry. Maybe you could add that it is a sect (could you also add for which god this temple is?) that needs that dispensation. Though rare, this permission was given, and the two were happily married.  A year later, Altario’s daughter, Nayriss, was born in a tough birth that nearly cost both mother and daughter their lives.   

For the next 6 years they led an uneventful but very happy life together, and when Nayriss turned 6, Sebastian insisted that Nayriss enter schooling at the temple.  Though hesitant, Altario could not dissuade Riz, who had sided with Sebastian, and the young girl went to train to become a cleric.  Shortly after, Riz died while giving birth to their son, who died days later as well.  Altario was devastated.  Following Riztalyana’s wishes, Nayriss continued her education at the temple. 

It was then that Denrykmar left Urimpaar, the family home, preferring the solitude that life as a ranger granted.  Altario has not seen him since, and only knew that Denrykmar was alive from the occasional promissory note that would come in for petty amounts of money?.

Altario served his country during the Fifth Orcish War, serving with distinction.  He proved a capable leader, and a fine strategist.  When the war ended, Altario returned to Urimpaar, which had miraculously escaped the carnage unscathed.

The years passed without incident until 8 months ago.  After coming home for a visit, Nayriss was kidnapped while on her return trip to the temple.    There was no ransom demand, however, and it was then that Altario garnered the truth from Sebastian.  Nayriss was becoming a healer of substantial talent, able to call forth the power of the gods.  Altario learned that Riztalyana had also had exceptional skills, and the only reason that dispensation had been granted for the marriage was for the bloodlines, that the temple kept strict records on.  It was in Sebastian's opinion that dark forces had taken Nayriss, though he had no answer for why. 

In the intervening months, Altario had been in search of Nayriss, following any clues to her whereabouts though, for the most part, the clues all led nowhere.  His despair has begun to manifest itself in drinking and gambling.  As well, in his dreams, Riztalyana has begun to visit him, urging him in his quest.  He will never give up looking for her, and will scour the world over until he finds her.  He sometimes joins with others in quests to earn his keep.  He prefers to keep his identity known to only a few, as he does not want Nayriss’ captors to learn of his whereabouts.

Weapons: Altario keeps a dagger with him, once encrusted with gems, though long since pried out and used for money. How does this tally with his strength of generally not needing money?   His only other piece of equipment that is worth anything is the longsword he keeps always strapped to his hip.  It is the symbol of Urimpaar; his fathers elegant weapon, exquisitely crafted and etched, perfectly balanced for killing.  For hunting, he carries a rather nondescript bow and a quiver full of arrows. I don't remember these being in his strengths? They should be, considering he can use them, together with a description of how proficient he is with them.

Belongings: In his saddlebags, he carries his equipment; a flint and steel, a sewing needle and thread, dried meat, a sharpening stone, and a change of clothes, finer than those he currently wears.  His horse has a worn but fine quality saddle, saddle blanket, bit, bridle and reins.  He carries a rope tied to the saddle, and a large cloth sack that holds his shield with family crest; a silver lightning strike across a black background.  He keeps it hidden except when a show of importance is required, but has a battle worn shield strapped to the horse that he uses when needed.  A waterskin hangs from the saddle.

Familiars: Altario rides a strong chestnut gelding, which he has taken to calling Horse, as he has gone through five horses so far in his quest.  It is a good horse, but in no way special.

That's it again, for now :)

With regard, Simonne
Logged
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #18 on: April 27, 2007, 04:48:24 AM »

@ Simonne   My adjustments have been made.  Looking forward to the next installment.  Thank you.
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Simonne Miller
Guest
« Reply #19 on: April 27, 2007, 04:58:30 AM »

All right, here is your first approval, as I don't find anything wrong anymore, except this: could you specify that Sebastian is a cleric at the temple as well? Since you deleted the first time you mentioned him...
Logged
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2007, 05:36:24 AM »

Done...Thank you Simonne...(Doing happy dance)
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #21 on: May 06, 2007, 03:22:59 AM »

teetering on the brink of the 3rd page...too scary
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Simonne Miller
Guest
« Reply #22 on: May 06, 2007, 08:46:56 PM »

I'll try to nudge another moderator in your general direction, Altario :)
Logged
Mina
Ávash'deláey
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 2099



« Reply #23 on: May 07, 2007, 01:32:45 AM »

Quite a nice CD.  Just a few things:

Quote
Title: Fighter/Adventurer
Erm, you need to pick one. 

Quote
Altario is an educated, intelligent man.  He can read and write, though he speaks no languages other than Tharian.
Quite unlikely considering where he's from.  Tharian is mainly used in Santharia.  The Ice Tribes (of which the Remusians are one) would have their own language(s). 

Quote
Altario is the son of a wealthy landowner in his homeland, thus he has access to funds by producing promissory notes to elites almost anywhere.  His reputation is beyond reproach and his need for money is minimal, so he usually has no trouble getting money if he needs it, as well as food and a roof over his head.  He is extremely careful not to over use this advantage, and in fact, prefers to keep his wealth to himself.
Won't this advantage mostly be restricted to Remusian territory?  I doubt minor nobles would be particularly well known outside of their own nation.  Perhaps you should state this in the CD. 

Quote
Altario served his country during the Fifth Orcish War, serving with distinction.  He proved a capable leader, and a fine strategist.  When the war ended, Altario returned to Urimpaar, which had miraculously escaped the carnage unscathed.
This part might not work very well.  The war ended at or just before 1654, according to the entry.  It is now 1667.  Your character is 35, so he would have been 22 back then if I've calculated it correctly.  He was married when he was 18 or 19, and the CD says he had an uneventful life for the next 6 years.  He should be at least 24 by then.  The quoted paragraph is placed somewhere after this.  Assuming the events in the CD are in chronological order, there's a conflict here. 

Finally, you do not state how he arrives in Santharia.  This is actually optional, but it is recommended since all our stories are currently taking place in Santharia. 
Logged

Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #24 on: May 07, 2007, 12:38:27 PM »

Ok, I went ahead and titled you but please clear up Mina's points and remove the color from your CD as well.

Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #25 on: May 07, 2007, 03:57:15 PM »

I have made the necessary changes, as well as the removal of the colour.  To encapsulate the changes:

 I chose adventurer.

 I made Tharian my second language after my tribal language.  As one who was given private tutelage in all his studies, I don't think knowing two languages is too much. 

I limited his range of influence to his homeland, so he will have to earn his keep when traveling in Santharia.

Finally, I moved the paragraph on which he fights in the war to after his marriage and before Nayriss' 6th birthday.

I am really looking forward to getting Altario started in some RP's.  Thank you all who contributed to the development of this character through your helpful comments.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2007, 03:58:47 PM by Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin » Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #26 on: July 08, 2009, 03:34:30 AM »

Going UP!
Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2010, 01:20:47 AM »

Ugh... I will never update a CD again!  It is bloody harder to do than writing one up from scratch.

Anyhoo... I think I changed everything i needed to.  Changes are in brilliant fucia.
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Alexandre Scriabin
Music Adept
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 1376


Human, Erpheronian/ Rhulran


« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2010, 06:44:02 AM »

Quote
It has been years since Altario has been in the Frozen Wastes of the beloved homeland of Remusia.  As such, his appearance has evolved to a hybred of different looks.

I believe you will want to spell "hybred" as "hybrid". And that's all I can think of. I can't find any discrepancies or detail/logic that seems out of place.
Logged

The statement below this is false.
The statement above this is true.

Alexandre Scriabin CD
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #29 on: February 06, 2010, 06:46:45 AM »

Thank you Alex.  Changes done in a subtler mauve colour.
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Pages: 1 [2] 3   Go Up
Print
Jump to:  

Recent Posts
[February 10, 2022, 09:09:05 PM]

[February 10, 2022, 09:07:54 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:43 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:25 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:01:01 PM]

[February 12, 2021, 07:16:33 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:51 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:21 AM]

[October 05, 2020, 02:58:40 PM]

[March 19, 2020, 03:47:44 AM]
Members
Total Members: 2849
Latest: abigailjordan
Stats
Total Posts: 214569
Total Topics: 8052
Online Today: 30
Online Ever: 216
(November 30, 2006, 09:08:03 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 36
Total: 36

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx