Salena Smith/ Centoraurian/ Enthusiastic Swordswoman

[Salena smith]

whats wrong with it??

[Délmiés Avádrié]

You PMed me so... here I am! Ok, the first thing I want to say is: It's a pretty good CD in general, theres just only some little things that matter:

a) Add more detail in the physical descriptions, because the staff of Santharia need to be able to form an image of you in their heads. Lots of details are always good.

b) Her strengths and weaknesses are a bit unbalanced. I think you need to add a bit more to the strengths and again, put more detail into them and clearly define them.

c) And I think the personality is pretty good, but a bit more detail would be great! Her personality is like the way she looks at the world and her point of views.

If you want an example of a really good CD (at least in my opinion) heres the link:


link

[lukecash]

lol, i bet it's hers.

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

*Gasp* That's my 3rd character's CD! You're right, Délmiés..it is a really good CD.

[lukecash]

nvmind, but it was still a good guess...

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

I was so inspired that I wrote that CD in a day. Salena, a tip: the best times to write is when you're inspired.

[Twén Aråerwén]

Hello Salena! I got your message and I will try to give you a full Uri check. My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange
Name:Salena Smith

Gender:Female

Age:18

Race:Human

Tribe:Centoraurian

Eye color:Blue

Hair color:Brown

Height:1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation:Blacksmith Apprentace

Title:Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolled down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. She has nice toned skin but has a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails.

Clothes: She has a long dress, without sleeve. She may wear sandals in the summer but in winter she may wear leather boots, a dress from thick cotton and on top a leather cape.  She also carries a well cut sword at her side. You start many sentences with the word "She". This makes your wonderful writing seem like a list of bulletins. Try something like this throughout your CD. Example: She also carries a well cut sword at her side. could be this A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline.
Personality: She is very out going stands up for her family and beliefs. Speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. Lives day by day like theres no tomorrow. Strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working.She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. She doesn't eat horse meat but eats other meat and fish.
Space required here
 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring.

Strengths:
~ Sword fighting~is self taught in a use of a sword. Some examples of how well she performs with these blades would be nice. Nothing elaborate, just some mention of feats she has accomplished in the past. Remember she is still very young and most likely not a master with these.
Space added here
~ Craft blades and small tools~Beacause she knows how to make blades and small tools. At such a young age it is going to be quite the accomplishment to know swordsmanship and forging beyond rudimantary levels.
Weaknesses:
~Depression~Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.
Space added here
~Strangling disease~watery eyes affects her vision and makes it hard for her to breath.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy.  Their grandfather raised them. The<-- "The" is not needed both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and had to learn how to use a sword. Thought she was self-taught with the sword?
Space added here
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Mike, but he had disappeared so now shes out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Mike for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him.
Space added here
                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practising her sword skills. she would practise all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around.
Space added here
           On her eighteenth birthday her grandfather told her it was time for her to go out on her own. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy. She's now out on her own in this world. While Melondy stayed behind to take care of their grandfather. It seems odd that her grandfather would push her out like this. With a family buisness and her still somewhat young age, I would think her grandfather would need her. Maybe she left in search of her boyfriend?

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~ ~ wet stone~ ~tinderbox~ ~a few coins~ ~bag to carry it all~  ~a little bit of food~ and ~a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

I hope my comments aid you on your pathway to a title. If you have any further questions please feel free to place them here or ez-mail me.

~Sincerely~

Twen Araerwen the Bone Queen

[Arin Woodwealth]

I think we should hear a little more on the lost love. Right now we know she met, loved, and lost. Maybe some more information on that, as someone she loved enough to have gone to search for must have some sort of backstory to it.

Sorry I didn't say more, but I have to go.

Arin Woodwealth, Dalorin.

[Khel]

Hello there =)

Maybe in your strengths you could add something not combat related? Like trust or another personality trait.

I agree with a lot of Twen's suggestions as well, she seems to have covered a lot of what I was going to say. Such as the spaces separating paragraphs and the strengths and weakesses =)

For the listed items, like the belongings, maybe make it easier to read like this:
~  Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre
~ wet stone
~ tinderbox
~ a few coins
~ bag to carry it all
~ a little bit of food
~ a change of clothes

I hope that helps a little! I know it's mostly formatting, but I think the character is looking good!

[Tifara Heike]

Hi Salena!! I’m here looking through…

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails.
Other than pigtails, how does Salena wear her hair?

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress, without sleeves. She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and on top a leather cape on top.   A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline.

Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there’s no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture. She is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more like a high spirited person.

Strengths:
~ Sword fighting~ She was taught in the a use of a sword.
More on how this has helped her… You can say that this is a survival skill?

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Beacause she knows how to make blades and small tools.
How has being able to craft blades and small tools helped her?

Weaknesses:
~Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what she’s doing for a few days.

~Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affects her vision and makes it hard for her to breathe.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy.  Their grandfather raised them.  Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword.
 
             Salena had fallen in love, with a boy named Mike, but he had disappeared so now she’s out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Mike for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Mike had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart.

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practising her sword skills. She would practise all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there were lots of swords lying around.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather who stayed behind.
Not much problem in your history for me…

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather had made it, then had gave it to her.

Belongings:
~Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
~wet stone~
~tinderbox~
~a few coins~
~bag to carry it all~
~a little bit of food~ and
~a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

--- --- ---

To conclude:
You could add more S&Ws.
Here are some strengths I found:
-   Her courage
-   Hardworking? That was the impression I got from the history. Since she could,

Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practising her sword skills.

As for weaknesses:
-   Any emotional trauma?

You could also add some more personality quirks, like arrogance etc. I would like to know more about how her depression etc. weaknesses came about. You could add those in your history. Good luck on your CD!

[Hylphán]

It's looking pretty good if you incorporated all the suggested changes and corrections.  I will go over it again with more attention to grammar, spelling, etc. later on when I have a bit more time.  Keep up the good writing!

[Salena smith]

Thank you I will work on everything evryone has commented on. Sorry its been so long since I've been on but im not leaving just been busy.

[lukecash]

I think it would be pretty good if you were to add a strength or two and balance it out with an even number of weaknesses also, as your character seems a bit too simple. I'm not saying it's bad to be simple, but really she has to have more going for her than sword fighting and crafting. How about her being charismatic, and you can define why, such as her being a constant talking butterfly who people are a bit annoyed at but still like, or just an enigmatic person that is likeable in a few ways...

[Salena smith]

ok thanks I'll find something to add but im not too sure what yet. lol thanks 

[Kelancey the Green]

  Greetings, Blacksmith Salena!  You were kind enough to PM me, and so my comments on your CD are thus:

  Grammatically, there are a few sentences which read a little awkwardly, but some simple housekeeping revision should fix that.  As far as what you need for approval, you've pretty much got that covered.

  Content-wise, I'll agree with Avash, here.  Your CD does have all the necessary content, but you haven't yet fleshed out who Salena is, in my opinion.  I can see that losing her destined love would cause her to be depressed, but what does she do during those days she's off work?  And, "Mike" sounds very Terran; not too Santharian-sounding to me.

  My advice, for the sake of making her more of a catch to bring into roleplaying games, would be to add details which make her stand out.  She's a blacksmith, and a fighter: Okay, good.  Now, how is she noteworthy?  That's where I'd suggest focusing your attention for your upcoming revision.

  Good luck, and may words come to you swiftly and easily!

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