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Author Topic: Salena Smith/ Centoraurian/ Enthusiastic Swordswoman  (Read 17176 times)
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Salena smith
Enthusiastic Swordswoman
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #30 on: June 23, 2007, 01:49:43 PM »

Ok I did some editting so if you want you can check it out and give me some pointers if I missed something.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Salena smith
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« Reply #31 on: June 24, 2007, 08:23:53 AM »

Well I've added some more details so if anyone wants you can leave a comment. Thanks.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Faryn
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« Reply #32 on: June 24, 2007, 08:26:23 AM »

Well okay... I guess since you wanted me to review your CD I will. So really I couldn't find much wrong with it except some spelling, such as
Quote
practise it should be practice
. that is about all i could find except maybe a little more detail in the clothing section. grin
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Faryn
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« Reply #33 on: June 24, 2007, 08:28:02 AM »

o um... one more thing... I think you should get rid of some of the older color because it gets harder to know where you added to, or edited your CD
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Salena smith
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« Reply #34 on: June 24, 2007, 08:30:02 AM »

Ok thank you I will.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2007, 08:58:12 AM by Salena smith » Logged

I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Tifara Heike
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« Reply #35 on: June 24, 2007, 03:17:33 PM »

Hi Salena! Here I am in response to your PM! grin Comments and corrections in yellow!

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear cotton or leather blouses with short sleeves which end at a short kilt till just over the knee. (The way you phrase this sentence makes it sound like the sleeves end just over the knee. A better way of phrasing this sentence would be “However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee.”) Their (Their? Wouldn’t “The” or “Her” be better?) clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback.

-no need for double spacing here-
Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  She is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more like a high spirited person.

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such, but even though she talks a lot, people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings.   She is a strong woman but at times she shall cry cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what goes on happens she'll keep taking one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught a the use of a sword, which is a survival skill.

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Beacause she knows how to make blades and small tools.
(You should explain how the blades and small tools help her.)

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses: ~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

~ Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affects her vision and makes it hard for her to breathe.

~ Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy.  Their grandfather raised them.  Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword.
 
             Salena had fallen in love, with a boy named Yackria, but he had disappeared so now shes out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead.  Yackria has broady shoulders and looks very strong though he is not he just is big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around and because Salena was very interested and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her. (This sentence is kind of like a run-on. Perhaps you could phrase it like this: “As her grandfather was a weapon smith, there were lots of swords lying around. Salena was very interested, so she asked her grandfather if he could be so kind as to teach her swordfighting.”)

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

I think you should add occurrences of depression and strangling disease in your history. This enables readers to have a better idea of how big a weakness it is to you.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

--- --- ---
In conclusion:

I should think being

Quote
Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working.
would be four strengths.
Determination (Strong will) is a mental strength.
Independence is also a strength, since it enables her to live by herself.
Courage is definitely a strength.
Being hardworking is a strength, as this causes her to be very on task for anything she has to do.

However, if you were to add these strengths, you will need some more weaknesses to balance these out. So far, I can’t find any.

Well, I wish you good luck on your CD! grin
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patt0192
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« Reply #36 on: June 25, 2007, 04:08:32 AM »

You misspelled "Personality" and in some places you have no spaces after your periods. Other than that it's OK.
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Salena smith
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #37 on: June 25, 2007, 08:59:35 AM »

Ok I've made my changes so if you want you can check it over and leave any comments.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Tifara Heike
Guest
« Reply #38 on: June 25, 2007, 06:43:49 PM »

Hi Salena!

I think you misundrestood what I meant by "adding occurrences of depression and strangling disease in your history".

What I meant was, instead of just sentences stating that you HAVE depression and strangling disease, wirte out the whole process of what caused it, how you went through it, how you felt, when it happened...

For example, depression could be when Yackria disappeared? And strangling disease... might be when she was practicing swordfight and something caused it?
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Salena smith
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« Reply #39 on: June 26, 2007, 02:58:10 AM »

Ok I will do that when I get the chance. Thanks for your comments Tifara and everyone eles.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Salena smith
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #40 on: June 26, 2007, 07:51:58 AM »

Ok I made the changes you asked. If anyone has comment feel free to share them with me. Thanks.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #41 on: June 26, 2007, 01:15:49 PM »

Hello, Salena. I'm here upon your request. I see that people had helped you on your CD and as such my assistance is of little help to you. However, I will search for anything that they have missed, in the fiery color of red.

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback.

 Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena    speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  Salena is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more a high spirited person.

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks alot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword, which is a survival skill.

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe.

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword(How did you larn your swordsmanship skills? Keep in mind that helping around in a shop does not teach you sword fighting skills.).
 
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named ,(remove the comma)Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead. Yackria has broad shoulders and looks very strong though he is not - he just is(is just) big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around(You did not mention her grandfather knowing how to use a sword. Making swords is one thing, knowing how to use them is another.).   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her.

       Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop (she) started to have a hard time to breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc.

       On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
 The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none(All Centoraurians have horses. You would do well to add one in this section and mention it in your history about how you got it.)

There you go. PM me if you need another check.
Have a nice day.
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A weak mind is a deadly foe.
Thorgas Ironforge
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Salena smith
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #42 on: June 26, 2007, 01:38:21 PM »

There, I fixed everything you asked but she does not own a horse and I added why she didn't in the history.    post any comments if you'd like. Thank you.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Salena smith
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #43 on: June 29, 2007, 06:06:08 AM »

Ok I've fixed everything everyone has told me to fix.....If anyone has comment feel free to share.  Thanks.
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
lukecash
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« Reply #44 on: June 29, 2007, 09:54:22 AM »

It's pretty sad i haven't been titled yet, i've been here so long that i should be able to either give a formidable approval to mods for this, or just approve it myself...
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