Salena Smith/ Centoraurian/ Enthusiastic Swordswoman

[Zack Ramsey]

Avash'Kan'Dui: You need to keep your chatter out of other peoples Cd's

Salena Smith: I just re read your character, as you know I read your character a while ago, and I do believe you are ready for approval. The only thing I would do different if it was my character is add more detail but the number one thing is how much your character has improved since I first read your CD. I think you have met all the requirements and just have to wait on a Mod.

[lukecash]

Which will take a considerable amount of time with the lag we have been caught in this summer. Although it is no one's fault...

[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

As requested, Here are my comments in red:

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside.I don't think I would say "backside", as it conjures up a lower area of her anatomy.  Perhaps just say "back", or "rolls down to the small of her back", something like that She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down. This last sentence should be up where you already describe her hair, or else it sounds like it was just tagged on

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback. more detail needed, even if just to point out the colours of these dresses

 Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena    speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual a spiritual what? festival? celebration?and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  Salena is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more a high spirited person. I would move this last sentence to the previous paragraph, perhaps integrating it with another sentence so that it doesn't sound repetitive with the sentences you already have

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks alot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword, which is a survival skill. first, you need not say it was a survival skill, second, how well can she wield it?  Keep in mind she is only 18 and learned from an old man part time.  I would suggest she be proficient with it, but far from an expert

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe. how often?  is this every day or just part of the year?

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and she had to take care of her sister, this is where the sister's name goes, not at the end of the sentence who was five when their parents died, Melondy. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather when ? should this say AFTER? their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather. you should explain how the grandfather knew how to wield a sword.  Was he a soldier when he was younger?
 
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead. Yackria has broad shoulders and looks very strong though he is not - he is just big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.  uhm..is this Yackria's CD?  We really don't need to know what he looked like to this degree, however, you should include where he disappeared to, even if Selena herself does not know, or at the very least, a rumour or suspicion

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around. ah, here it is.  I think this should go up where you first started explaining the grandfather teaching her As well, being self taught might not be strong enough.  I think him being a soldier when he was younger might be betterHer grandfather taught himself how to use a sword when he took breaks.   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her. this entire paragraph should go after the other grandfather paragraph, so to keep the Yackria paragraphs together

       Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop she started to have a hard time to breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc.   Most of her tribe would own horses but since she came from a poor family and her grandfather was a weaponsmith there was no need for a horse.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
 The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her. describing your weapon need not be taking the entry and copying it here...describing the Sabre means letting us know how it differs from other sabres...for example, is it engraved?, if so then how?, does it have a special scabbard? is the pommel studded with a gem?  that kind of thing.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

[lukecash]

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her backside. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback.

 Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena get rid of this large space please...speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish.

 She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.  Salena is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of family but is more a high spirited person.

Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk a lot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks a lot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. Not everyone doesn't want to hurt her feelings, a lot of people have slightly cynical or childish characters. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword, which is a survival skill. By who, where? did she teach herself maybe?

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.Maybe this gets her some money also...

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people. Maybe she can see into the hidden pasts of outcasts and complex characters?

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days. Depression over what? A sickness of the mind, or just personal problems?

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe. When did she first develop this, and does she know why?

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and had to take care of her sister, who was five when their parents died, Melondy. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather when their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather.
 
             Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. His eyes look like there's no warmth or softness in them, almost like they're dead. Yackria has broad shoulders and looks very strong though he is not - he is just big boned. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian.Why did he leave her? How? Is this part of why she has depression symptoms?

                Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around. Her grandfather taught himself how to use a sword when he took breaks.   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her. Why did he teach sword use to a woman, who commonly is not involved in combat?

       Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop she started to have a hard time to breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc.   Most of her tribe would own horses but since she came from a poor family and her grandfather was a weaponsmith there was no need for a horse.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre, which is a long blade, even slightly longer than a longsword and one side is not sharpened and straight.
 The other side draws a bow inward and then outwards again and is sharpened. The tip of the blade is a bulky head with one sharp side. Salena's grandfather made it than had given it to her.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~ Does she know wood types well and is she adept at making fires and collecting wood?
~ a few coins~ How does she make money?
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

[Salena smith]

Ok I did some changes again I hope it's better this time. Comments allowed.!!

[Ras]

From one Centoraurian to another, I really am impressed with your CD. Its well thought out and well written, good job. And even better, I can't find anything to nitpick in it.

[Thorgas Ironforge]

I've read your CD and there seems to be nothing wrong with it. Try PM'ing CD mods and see if they'll give you an approval, which I assume they'll give you since your CD is good enough.

Finally all those hard work had paid off.

[Salena smith]

Thanks you so much on all your comments. I changed the color back to white and put my last changes in red.

[Phyth Glenfield]

Your CD seems to have come along nicely. I can't find anything majorly wrong with it, except you might want to read through it for any spelling or grammar mistakes.

There is one thing though:


History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and she had to take care of her sister, Melondy, who was five when their parents died. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather after their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather who was a soldier when he was younger.

Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around. Her grandfather was a soldier when he was young.   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her.


The second paragraph of your history is a bit repetitive, especially the sentence in orange. You could probably take out the last sentence of the first paragraph and it would work better. But the way it is now, you're basically stating the same thing twice. Hope that helps a little.

[Salena smith]

Thank you I fixed what you asked. Hope it's better now.

[Tifara Heike]

Hi Salena! Just a really minor nitpicky problem here:

(last sentence of Personality section)
Salena is not like other girls, who stay home and take care of their family but is more a high spirited person.

[Salena smith]

Ok thank you I fixed it. (Though I don't really know what was wrong with it but I fixed it lol)

[Aueniteri]

Name: Salena Smith

Gender: Female

Age: 18

Race: Human

Tribe: Centoraurian

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Height: 1 ped 2 fores

Weight: 1 pygge 4 ods

Occupation: Blacksmith Apprentice

Title: Warrior

Physical Appearance: Salena has soft, brown hair and light blue eyes. Her hair rolls down her back. Salena may wear her hair in pigtails or wear it down. She has this beauty to her that seems unreal. Her skin is nicely toned, except where it is marred by a scar on her left leg, from a sword fight.

Clothes: She has a long sleeveless dress.  She wears sandals in the summer and spring but in winter and autumn she wears leather boots, a dress made from thick cotton and a leather cape on top. A well crafted sword is carried upon the right side of her supple waistline. However, she may wear short-sleeved cotton or leather blouses which end at a short kilt just over the knee. Her clothing is designed for riders and is made to provide protection from the elements of nature when on horseback. The color of her dresses may be a tan color to a dark brown.

Kilt, you say? Kilts, as from Scotland, were popular because horses did not exist. They are not meant for horseback riding.

Personality: She is very out going and stands up for her family and beliefs. Salena    speaks her mind freely and loves life and takes it to the fullest. She lives day by day like there's no tomorrow. Salena is strong willed, very independent, courageous and hard working. She cherishes freedom and is willing to suffer for it. Salena doesn't eat horse meat but eats other kinds of meat and fish. Salena is a high spirited person.

   She celebrates Chemonar, which is a spiritual celebration and is mainly for paying homage to the dead and preparing for the forthcoming winter. She also celebrates Elenear, which consists of a great feast, which happens in the spring. She celebrates these ceremonies in honor of her parents and culture.

   Many people get annoyed with Salena since she likes to talk alot about how much she misses her parents and such but even though she talks alot people know she has a warm heart and so they put up with it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a strong woman but at times she cries over her parents deaths and her lovers disappearance but no matter what happens she'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Strengths: ~ Sword fighting~ She was taught the use of a sword. She is proficient with a sword but not an expert.

~ Craft blades and small tools~ Helps her to fix her tools and blades if needed so.

~ Can read people fairly well~ She is not fooled very easily by people.

Weaknesses:~ Depression~ Makes her quite emotional and causes her to stop what shes doing for a few days.

Before this, you spend a lot of time saying how bright and cheery and outgoing and... whatnot she is. Depression? Describe the depression a little more in the previous parts, not just mentioning it here. You do mention that she cries because of her losses... still, this weakness implies a lot more than just a few tears.

~  Strangling disease~ Watery eyes affect her vision and make it hard for her to breathe but only happens in the summer.

Or, in other words, allergies? This is really popular nowadays, as people are born and raised, and can literally live almost their entire lives indoors, in controlled environments. Did she have a sheltered past?

~Talks too much~ Affects her from being on guard when needed.

History: Salena's parents were killed by a pair of wanted bandits when she was eight and she had to take care of her sister, Melondy, who was five when their parents died. Their grandfather raised them. Both girls had lived with their grandfather after their parents were killed. Salena and Melondy have been with their grandfather for 10 years. Growing up Salena had to help around the house and the shop and learned how to use a sword, which she learned from her grandfather.

Salena always took care of herself and her sister, Melondy, when she wasn't working at the shop or taking care of the house and practicing her sword skills. She would practice all day if she could. Her grandfather taught her how to use a sword because he was a weapon smith so there was lots of swords lying around. Her grandfather was a soldier when he was young.   Salena became very interested, and asked if her grandfather would be so kindly as to teach her.

       Salena had fallen in love,with a boy named Yackria but he had disappeared so now she's out searching the land for her long lost love. She had known Yackria for 3 months and has loved him ever since she met him. The two lovers had been together everyday. Yackria had promised her that they would be together forever and no one or nothing could tear them apart. Salena doesn't know where to start looking but she shall find the one that holds her heart. Yackria has dark, almost black hair, and has very beady brown eyes. Yackria was born in the same tribe as Salena, Centoraurian. There was a rumor that Yackria had been kidnapped by a pair of riders passing through the town. Salena had not heard this but the rumor went around.

It sounds like you're trying to write a story, and then mush in things that others have given you. To make your past more smooth, flesh things out, keep the thoughts running, put everything in order in the history. Also, note that I'm not a mod in the CD department anymore, so my say really isn't the final say. Best of luck getting titled!

    Once Salena found out that Yackria had dissapeared she got very depressed and didn't want to do anything but sit and cry. Her sister and grandfather tried to please her but nothing they did seemed to work. One day in the summer when Salena was younger and was helping in the shop she started to have a hard time to breathing. Her grandfather thought she was ill at first but then realized she had the strangling disease. She'd never get it in the winter but in summer. Soon they found out she was allergic to hay, grass etc.   Most of her tribe would own horses but since she came from a poor family and her grandfather was a weaponsmith there was no need for a horse.

           On her eighteenth birthday Salena went out to search for her long lost love. Now she doesn't have much money since she gave it to Melondy, to take care of their grandfather while she stayed behind.

Weapons: Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre.

Belongings: ~ Centoraurian Cavalry Sabre~
 ~ wet stone~
~ tinderbox~
~ a few coins~
~ bag to carry it all~ 
~ a little bit of food~  and
~ a change of clothes~

Familiar: none

[Salena smith]

Thank you I shall work on those few things.

[Aueniteri]

Also, for a title, while "Warrior" is perfectly legitimate, if a bit masculine, I strongly suggest you find something more poetic and unique. You'll never regret it. With this character, I do sometimes regret not finding something different; with my halfling, I'm perfectly satisfied. His title is "Mini-hero", which is unique and fitting to his character.

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