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Author Topic: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger  (Read 22993 times)
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Eléyr Fásamár
Serenity's Embodiment
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Elf ~ Kaýrrhem


« Reply #45 on: February 11, 2008, 10:29:01 AM »

Hello Celebriän, I shall once again give a few comments in this Royal hue of Blue!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 27 Years old {human years}Please give her elven age. I did the calculation and she should be 153. If you want to give her human ages add two more sections
Appearance Age:27
Knowledge Age:34

Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue and scavenger{ basicly<--basically anything honest or not}
Weight: 1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut
Height: 1 ped,2 Fores Can you put spaces in between the commas and the numbers in these two sections?
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown with golden flakes<-- I would assume this word should be flecks, as flaking eyes would just seem rather... disturbing.
Title:Lost Eophyrhim

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; it is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back and in a braid. Her bangs are grown out(comma) and are the same length of <--as her hair and in braids. Celebriän’s hair(comma) when down(comma) can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed(comma) her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flakes.(space)She is also slender, with fine features with a bony edge. Celebriän is a pure Eophyrhim. This is clearly shown by her Eophyrhim features.Why not combine these two sentences into something like, "Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people" She has a split on the top corner of her left ear from a spear thrown at her.
  Celebriän has two facial piercing<-- piercings, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. She also has a tattoo of the sun on her shoulder. The tattoo is black. The facial piercing<-- piercings are at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, they are metal. They have a smooth straight shaft. This is the part that goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are balls(comma) two for each shaft. The piercing<-- piercings are side by side(period)
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Eléyr's CD ~¤•¤~ Character Creation ~¤•¤~ Restrictions ~¤•¤~ CD Etiquette
Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #46 on: February 11, 2008, 10:46:16 AM »

Thank you Eléyr,i have fixed that part of the CD.Comment welcome! grin grin
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Eoranna Melor
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« Reply #47 on: February 11, 2008, 03:17:30 PM »

OK, I have gone over you CD and taken the liberty of making some corrections to grammar and punctuation, as well as made some stylistic suggestions that will make for an easier read.  Also, take a look at strengths and weaknesses as I found some problems there.  I figured since you helped with mine, the least I could do was help you out, too!  Corrections are in the annoying color of [color=orange blue]orange… Sorry…[/color] Also, feel free to copy and paste the corrected CD, minus blue suggestions, of course.  Best of luck to you!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age:27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue and scavenger, basically anything honest or not}
Title:  wander
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut
Height: 1 ped, 2 Fores This is a little short for an Eophyrhim.  They are usually 2 around 2 peds.
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; it is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back and in a braid. Her bangs are grown out, and are the same length as her hair and in braids. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features with a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people.  Celebrian has two facial piercings, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. She also has a tattoo of the sun on her shoulder. The tattoo is black. The facial piercings are at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, they are metal. They have a smooth straight shaft. This is the part that goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are metal balls, two for each shaft. The piercings are side by side.


 

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pants, with a dark gray hooded cloak. A silver leaf-shaped clasp holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets made of hard leather with steel bands,
 and a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of poison I am familiar with the Eophyrhim page, and they do in fact have their own poison. The ear cuff on her right ear is shaped like a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

Personality:
Celebriän is dark and roguish.  When in a town or a village she is usually a bit reclusive and does not want to draw a lot of attention to herself.  Also when in a town she will keep her hood up, people will sometimes avoid her due to her aura. She is not afraid to steal or rob for things. She also finds beauty is a simple thing. (the following sentence is a sentence fragment.  Find a way to combine with previous sentence) Such as songbirds and delicate flowers. If wandering in the middle of no where she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits. She will help a person in need if she wants but will usually need some sort of payment, usually some food or a bit of money. She prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood, unless traveling in the middle of the woods .She is not usually very trustful people she just meets, and she does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable with her pet. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. She would help an animal in need and gets angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but the killing should be done with respect. She also holds grudges against people. She is also rash. This mix can lead to problems.  Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at an inn or bar for the night.  When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and watch the people, or think. She likes to watch people and how they act.  She finds it interesting.
   
 Strengths
scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance.  The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles,thay are each about 2 Fores, 1 Nailsbreadth, 4 Grains with out the handles.

Pets: Celebriän’s pet all so aid her in her life. For companionship, Falhófnir will also help in traveling. These sentences are hard to understand.

A drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf she is usually avoided in bars, towns, and cities, ECT.
She is also stronger than a human woman of her same size, and has better vision at night

Wood land skills: Celebrian can live in the woods with no aid. She does not need to live near a town or spend the night in one, but she does prefer it.

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying it small, crammed  should be “cramped” spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races.

Is a drow: Even though she no longer is part of the Eophyrhim tribe she is avoided. Celebriän does not have close relationships, she is more of that outsider, with no real enemies, but nobody would call her a “friend”. I am not sure if it works to include the same quality in weaknesses and strengths.  Maybe you should cut it out altogether.

Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash, she sometimes not think things out all the way. Add this to holding grudges it can get a bit hell-tick.

Not-caring: Celebrian does not realy care about stuff.If a war was going on she would not bother to care. She does not care about the law. This has landed her in trouble multipule times. (perhaps just “Does not care about the law” should be her weakness, as the other parts seem irrelevant. Or you could throw this in with “dislikes authority” as they are obviously related.  In fact, it seems you already have, so I would cut this weakness out completely.

Dislikes authority: Celebarin has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land.She has spent the night in a prision more than onece

Instincts: In a fight Celebrians instincts will some times take over.This can lead to brash or clumsy movements. Instinct is usually considered as a positive aspect, which enhances reflexes and dexterity.  Therefore, I don’t think this is a reasonable assumption for a weakness.


 History
As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim, Be careful of repeating the same word too many times.  Just a stylistic suggestion.
She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life the Eophyrhim. Her mother also told stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wanted in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told of the people how there were pick pockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Her mother told these stories, but all along the stories where points about the fault of living live in such ways. Even from this negative point of view Celebrian had an interest in humans and other races.
 When she was about nineteen, her parent, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills.
At the request of Celebrian, once again, substitute the name with pronouns, as it improves flow
. Celebriän picked two steel scimitars, she excelled at them.
 
Celebrian was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival. She was promptly exiled from the Eophyrhim territory and was forced to pierce her face. This is a restatement of the previous sentence Before she left she was allowed to take her belongs with her.  She now wanders the land.

Celebrian has always felt that animals are for food and travel use, but she also thinks that just because we have a higher intelligence we should not abuse or mistreat them. That they have feelings and we should respect them not as people but as things with feeling. That they are not to be slaughtered  remove the word “That” .   Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but killing should be done with respect.
    Another time as opposed to which other time? as Celebrian as wandering about she came upon a merchant and a small group of guards. At the sight of an Eophyrhim the guards became unnerved slightly.
“What is your business with the merchant Cristoffels?” asked the captain of the guards.”
“I would like to see if he has any weapons for sale,” answered Celebrian promptly
“Then go into his tent, but take one of my guards with you,” [color=light blue] (he) [/color] Added the guard (remove “the guard”
         
With the guard keeping a close eye on Celebrian (her) she entered the tent. When in inside? she saw a man sitting at a desk polishing a golden sapphire necklace.

“Ah an elf, come to buy my wears should be “wares” no doubt,” He said, trying to hide his feelings what kinds of feelings? that there was an Eophyrhim standing in front of him.
“You are right I have. Do you have any weapons for barter? I would imagine merchants usually sell their wares, not barter.
“Yes I have a dagger with a jeweled hilt, a short sword, and dual scimitars, both having sheaths,” replied merchant Cristoffels

“I have an interest in these scimitars,” Celebrian stated after browsing over the weapons. “I have a game of chance with me. I will make you deal, we will play the game.  If I win you give me the scimitars, belt, and sheath this should be plural
“If I win I get that silver charm and the chain,” interrupted the merchant.
“Fine then. Now how you play is I have here a cup and in it are six balls, three white each is one point, two red five points each, and the last one is black and is twenty-five points. We will each take a turn to with out looking take two balls from the cup. The one with the most points wins.” This description of the game rules, though clear, is awkwardly put.  Work on the style here a bit.
“Sounds good ill go first,” said the merchant eagerly the idea of the valuable charm imprinted in his mind.  And with that he reached in and drew out a red and a white. Why was the merchant so eager to participate?  It would seem that he would be familiar with probability (merchants are good with numbers, after all) and so would have chosen to go second, as his chances would be better.
“Ha beat that elf’!!!! he would also realize he had drawn very badly.

Then don’t need “then” Celebrian reached in and drew out a black and a red ball. With that, the merchant’s smile crumbled, as he realized he had lost two good scimitars to an elf, basically handing change this word.  You use “handed” in the next sentence.   them to her for free. Slowly he handed over the scimitars, the belt, and the sheaths.

Then he realized something. The balls he was still holding had bumps on them. The red had three bumps and the white had two. Swiftly he scooped up the black one. It had five bumps on it.
“You thieving dark elf,” hissed the merchant, the “his” not “the” words laced with poison
“Cruros!” shouted the merchant to the guard, “apprehend her!”

Then Celebrian, in what seemed one whole get rid of “whole” graceful movement, drew one of the scimitars and hit the guard on the head with the hilt, knocking him out doesn’t seem like a very good guard…. Also remove “also” at what seemed like the same time she pivoted and slashed at the merchant, not to hit him, but instead to send him reeling back head over heels as he tripped backward over the table he had first sat on this sentence is too long. Then Celebrian she charged out of the tent as fast as her legs could go. A second later the merchant came out sputtering, “Get her, you fools, get her!” One of the guards then no “then” threw a javelin at Celebrian. Celebrian then again, no “then” felt a burst of pain as blood flowed from her ear. The spear had gone through the top of her left ear and landed in front of her. She stumbled a little bit, surprised at blood flowing from her ear you say “ear” too many times in these few sentences , but she ran on with the guards not far behind. Then “when” not “then” she reached her horse, breathing hard with both the scimitars tucked under her arm, she mounted her horse don’t need “her horse” and fled, much to the disappointment to the guards. They knew that the merchant would not be at all happy with this turn of events. Grumpily they turned back, knowing they could not out-run a horse.

Pets
Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Falhófnir is a Kor’och fey Mologh. His coat is bay and he has white socks. He is 15.3 hands tall.

Make sure that you incorporate the suggestions you've already received before asking for Mod approval.  I see you have a lot of things too implement.  Once you finish those, you should be fine.  Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help!
Once again, best of luck, and may your title be forthcoming!

Edit: stupid light blue color doesn't exist :-(
« Last Edit: February 11, 2008, 03:23:27 PM by Eoranna Melor » Logged

Loss is worth crying for,
Honor worth dying for,
Friendship worth giving for,
Redemption worth living for.
Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Posts: 110


Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #48 on: February 12, 2008, 03:15:24 PM »

Ok, i did finished adding the stuff from the uri-check so ya. But i did not understand what you ment ,Eoranna when you said Ihave a lot of things too implement.And i try to incorporate all the suggestions I have already received. So for now comments welcome.If i missed eny thing Eornna let me know. So for now i should be done.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2008, 03:15:51 PM by Celebriän Véneanár » Logged

iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
lukecash
Guest
« Reply #49 on: February 16, 2008, 02:32:43 PM »

allo mate. I will overhaul this entire thing. Let's hope it doesn't take forever, but it's long enough to add precious value to each word...
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lukecash
Guest
« Reply #50 on: February 16, 2008, 02:53:51 PM »

My comments will be IRISH!!!


Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age:27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue and scavenger, basically anything honest or not(is that part necessary? maybe you could put jack of all trades)
Title:  wanderer
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut
Height: 1.8 peds
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; it is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back and in a braid. Her bangs are grown out, and are the same length as her hair and in braids. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people.  Celebrian has two facial piercings, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. She also has a tattoo of the moon on her shoulder. And one of a swirling circle on her cheek. The tattoos are black. The facial piercings are at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, they are metal. They have a smooth straight shaft. This is the part that goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are metal balls, two for each shaft. The piercings are side by side.


 

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pants, with a dark gray hooded cloak. A silver leaf-shaped clasp holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets made of hard leather with steel bands,
 and a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of poison. The ear cuff on her right ear is shaped like a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

Personality:
Celebriän is dark and roguish. When in a town or a village she is usually a bit reclusive and does not want to draw a lot of attention to herself.  Also when in a town she will keep her hood up, andpeople will sometimes avoid her due to her aura. She is not afraid to steal or rob for things. She also finds beauty in simple things ,such as a sun beam or a creek with moss covered rocks. Or things suchas songbirds and delicate flowers. If wandering in the middle of nowhereno space between no and where she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits. She will help a person in need if she wants but will usually need some sort of payment, usually some food or a bit of money. She prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood, unless traveling in the middle of the woods.SheTry to find a way to keep the cd from starting each sentence with the word she as it makes the reading less cohesive and fluent. is not usually very trustful with thepeople she just meets, and she does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable with her pet. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. She would help an animal in need and gets angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but the killing should be done with respect. She also holds grudges against peopleand is very rash. This mix can lead to problems. Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and watch the people, or think. She likes to watch people and how they act. She finds it interesting.please don't double space between sentences as this is not proper grammar.
   
 Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles,thay are each about 2 Fores, 1 Nailsbreadth,  Grains with out the handles.

Pets: Falhófnir helps in traveling,but is also a great companion.drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf she is usually avoided in bars, towns, and cities, ECT.Shouldn't the drow part be in the weakness section?
She is also stronger than a human woman of her same size, and has better vision at night

Wood land skills: Celebrian can live in the woods with no aid. She does not need to live near a town or spend the night in one, but she does prefer it.

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places.Is this really all that debilitating? It isn't so hard to stay away from cramped places. Maybe something more witty would be required here.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races. Celebriän does not have close relationships with many people.
 
Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash, she sometimes does not think things out all the way. Add this to holding grudges and it can get a bit hell-tick.

Dislikes authority: Celebarin has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land. She has spent the night in a prison more than once.

Rage:In a fight rage will some times take over. This can lead to brash or clumsy movements.


 History
As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim.  She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life ofthe Eophyrhim people. Her mother also told stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wanted in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told of the people how there were pick pockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Her mother told these stories, but all along the stories where points about the fault of living live in such ways. Even from this negative point of view she had an interest in humans and other races.
 When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills, at the request of their child.Why would they do such a thing when teaching one the use of weapons promotes adventurous thought and with the fact that this is merely the request of a child? Celebriän picked two steel scimitars, and she excelled at them.
 
Celebrian was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival. She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs with her. She now wanders the land.Why did she choose not to participate in this festival?

Celebrian has always felt that animals are for food and travel use, but she also thinks that just because we have a higher intelligence we should not abuse or mistreat them. That they have feelings and we should respect them not as people but as things with feeling.  They are not to be slaughtered. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal, but killing should be done with respect. This paragraph does not belong in the history section as it merely says a belief and doesn't speak of events that transpired in the past.
    Not soon after her exile , Celebrian was wandering about she came upon a merchant and a small group of guards. At the sight of an Eophyrhim the guards became unnerved slightly.
“What is your business with the merchant Cristoffels?” asked the captain of the guards.”
“I would like to see if he has any weapons for sale,” answered Celebrian promptly
“Then go into his tent, but take one of my guards with you,”
With the guard keeping a close eye on her she entered the tent. When inside she saw a man sitting at a desk polishing a golden sapphire necklace.

“Ah an elf, come to buy my wares no doubt,” he said, trying to hide his surprise that there was an Eophyrhim standing in front of him.

“You are right I have. Do you have any weapons for sell? “Yes I have a dagger with a jeweled hilt, a short sword, and dual scimitars, both having sheaths,” replied merchant CristoffelsThis is after she left home, didn't her parents already have her get scimitars?

“I have an interest in these scimitars,” Celebrian stated after browsing over the weapons. “I have a game of chance with me. I will make you deal, we will play the game.  If I win you give me the scimitars, belt, and sheaths--
“If I win I get that silver charm and the chain,” interrupted the merchant.

Fine then. Now how you play is I have here a cup and in it are six balls. Three are white and are each worth one point. Two are red and five points each. The  last one is black and is twenty-five points. We will each take a turns and without looking take two balls from the cup. After one person has drawn, the balls that where drawn will be but back in the cup. Then the next person will draw two.  The one with the most points wins.”
“Sounds good I will go first,” said the merchant eager from the idea of the valuable charm imprinted in his mind.   And with that he reached in and drew out a red and a white.
“”Ha beat that elf!” Though obviously disappointed.

Celebrian reached in and drew out a black and a red ball. With that, the merchant’s smile crumbled, as he realized he had lost two good scimitars to an elf, basically handed them over for free. Slowly he handed over the scimitars, the belt, and the sheaths.

Then he realized something. The balls had bumps on them. The red balls  had three bumps and the white had two. Swiftly he scooped up the black one. It had five bumps on it.
“You thieving dark elf,” hissed the merchant, his words laced with poison.
Cruros!” shouted the merchant to the guard, “apprehend her!”Before any one could move toward her. Celebrian burst into action in what seemed one graceful movement, drew one of the scimitars and hit the guard on the head with the hilt, knocking him out. At what seemed like the same time she pivoted and slashed at the merchant. Not to hit him, but instead to send him reeling back head over heels as he tripped backward over the table he had first sat on. Then Celebrian charged out of the tent as fast as her legs could go. A second later the merchant came out sputtering, “Get her, you fools, get her!” One of the guards threw a javelin at Celebrian. Celebrian felt a burst of pain as blood flowed from her ear. The spear had gone through the top of her left ear and landed in front of her. She stumbled a little bit, surprised at the blood on her neck, hair and shoulder. She ran on with the guards not far behind. When she reached her horse, breathing hard with both the scimitars tucked under her arm, she mounted Falhófnir and fled, much to the disappointment to the guards. They knew that the merchant would not be at all happy with this turn of events. Grumpily they turned back, knowing they could not out-run a horse.

Pets
Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Falhófnir is a Kor’och fey Mologh. His coat is bay and he has white socks. He is 15.3 hands tall.If the horse was stolen, please insert a description of the event in which this happened as it is an important part of the history, for pets are definitely important to this character.




It needs much work, but has a fairly decent concept. Mostly, it's a good read, but needs better grammar and word choice.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2008, 03:02:38 PM by Jendak(Avash) » Logged
Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #51 on: February 17, 2008, 04:41:10 AM »

Ok,that should do it grin grin.Comments welcome!!!
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #52 on: February 19, 2008, 12:49:46 AM »

Hi Celebrian,

A few suggestions:

1. For a roleplay setting, your character wouldn't exactly fit in very well because she is a drow and can't get along with other races. That would hinder you alot when trying to play in the story threads. You'd basically be wandering out in the forest with no one to interact with. Was this intentional?

2. I question the piercings as they seem very contemporary to me...as if it would be something you'd find on a gothic person walking down the street.  Huh?

3. If your race is so elusive, how did your mother know about so much of the life in the cities?

4. The CD is contradictory in some places - Celebrian is a woodsman, yet prefers to stay in an inn. As a drow, she is not accepted in bars and taverns, yet she likes to order ale in a bar and watch people?  Huh?

5. I'd say the character needs some depth. Celebrian is a wanderer who no one likes or wants to be around and she makes no effort to try to get along with others. I just don't see how much fun this character would be to play... :(
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« Reply #53 on: February 19, 2008, 05:30:48 AM »

Hi hows it going my Eophyrhim friend :) i was hoping you can help me i was triying to get a pic on my cd ummmmmmm can you please tell me how you did it :)

its nice to have the same race on here hope your doing well :) good luck with your cd :) bye for know
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Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Posts: 110


Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #54 on: February 19, 2008, 09:27:06 AM »

Ok, comments for Azhira El'rosse in lime green .Comments for Jendak in red glow. For Azhira i have tryed to round it out a bit.Would it be ok to ask for a mods advice on the matters addresed in Azhiras post??
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Twén Aråerwén
Death's Mistress
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Elf, Ifer’hém


« Reply #55 on: February 20, 2008, 06:31:42 AM »

Please look here! Once you understand what is written in that thread, please feel free to PM me and I shall have a look over others comments. But I will suggest never using the ? icon in the future. That is for mod use only and this is clearly stated in the rules of this forum. Also, the title of this thread is to not contain more or less than Name/Tribe/Occupation.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2008, 06:34:36 AM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged

•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
_.·´¯) Twén Aråerwén's CD(¯`·._
Twén Aråerwén
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« Reply #56 on: February 21, 2008, 08:56:40 PM »

Hiya Celebrian! I have read over every page of comments you have been given. Many of those ideas have been integrated by you, yet there are many that have not been. I have a few ideas that would really help you clean things up and get back on track.

1) I know everyone wants their comments to be integrated with color, but the amount you have is excessive. Please go through and eliminate all coloring so we can get off to a fresh start hun.

2) There are structure issues found throughout the CD. Spacing, mis punctuation, wrong word choices, misspellings .... all of this should be addressed before returning the exclamation mark.

3) As mentioned by various commentors, the game of chance you mention with the merchant is almost silly in context. A pair of good swords with sheaths are far more valuable than a silver necklace and brooch. The idea that a knowledgeable merchant would *chance* such valuable items for so little to gain is highly unlikely. Though not impossible it could be that your character was playing a game of chance with the man and he lost far more in currency than he had intended. Hence offering the blades up instead of monetary exchanges.

Really the main concern for me is the entire structure of the CD. You have so many edits done that it is hard to follow what you are trying to express at times. As I mentioned above, please remove the color. Use single spacing between paragraphs and read over the CD for misused words. Also, the spell-check option for each post would assist you immensely and it should/must be used.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen
 
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•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
_.·´¯) Twén Aråerwén's CD(¯`·._
Narrath
New Santharian

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« Reply #57 on: February 23, 2008, 10:51:19 AM »

Im sorry i cant coment but if you need help im here for you:)

good luck
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Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Posts: 110


Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #58 on: February 24, 2008, 04:59:45 PM »

Ok Twén, i think im done! Rolling -does a happy dance around the room-

i have one small consern, i have fixed the merchant story with a new story be it is short.Is this a problem?
« Last Edit: February 24, 2008, 05:01:49 PM by Celebriän Véneanár » Logged

iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Seh'nara Celebrindal
Swift Ranger
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #59 on: February 24, 2008, 10:41:03 PM »

Hello Celebrian, and I'm gonna be commenting in pink!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age: 27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim
Job: jack of all trades (Jack of all trades seem a bit... general. With merely this, you have the potential to know a bit about everything, even about complicated things like smithing or mining. I'd like a small list of some sort.)
Title: Lost Eophyrhim
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb, 3 ods, 4 mut
Height: 1.9 peds     
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks
Hair: brown

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair; . It is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back in a braid. She likes to keep her bangs grown out and tries to keep them the same length as her hair. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have (has) golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people. Celebrian has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. In addition to the tattoo of the moon on her shoulder, she has one of a swirling circle on her cheek. Both of the tattoos are silver. (Uh, are silver tattoos even possible?) The facial piercing is at a 35-degree angle from the outside corner of the eye, (and) it is silver (in colour) . It has a smooth straight shaft. This part goes through her eyebrow. The pieces that hold it there are balls, two for each shaft. (I'm sorry, but two shafts? I only hear one being mentioned. In addition, could you rephrase the description of the eyebrown pericing? I'm not sure about the rest, but I had a pretty hard time visualising it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clothes- Celebriän has a forest green tunic with dark brown pants. She also has a black hooded Ether-Flake cloak. The cloak is a beautiful, transparent fabric that shimmers in the light. A silver leaf-shaped clasp with golden vines en wrapping (entwining) the stem holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets and bracers made of hard leather with wide steel bands, a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds small vials of poisons. The ear cuff on her right ear is a dragon. (What's an ear cuff?) She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Personality:
Celebriän is roguish. When in a town or a village she does not want to draw a lot of attention to herself. She is not afraid to steal or rob for things. (This makes no sense. You don't steal for things, you steal things, period. Maybe you might want to elaborate on why she steals.) On the other hand, she finds beauty in simple things such as a sunbeam, songbirds, flowers, or a creek with moss covered rocks (Fullstop) If wandering in the middle of nowhere she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body, she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits. Celebrian will help a person in need, but will usually need some sort of payment, usually some food or a bit of money. She prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood to hide her race from prying eyes. Celebrian is not usually very trustful with people she just meets. She feels very comfortable with her pet. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. She would help an animal in need and is angered by people and things (I would think it very stupid for her to be angry at inanamate objects, wouldn't you? ;)) that hurt animals when it is not necessary. Celebrian does in no way abject (object) to a (the) killing of an animal, but the killing should be done with respect. (What does that mean? IMHO, killing is never respectful, but merely a necessity. You might want to rephrase this.) She also holds grudges against people and is rash. This mix can lead to problems. (How? Any examples?) Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but does not mind staying at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and think. (Does she do this all the time? Does she never socialise? What does she normally think about? Does she think of deep theories like the meaning of life, or maybe what she's going to do the next day?)

(I'll like this to be split into paragraphs.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles; . T they, are each about two Fores, eight Nailsbreadths (Capitalisation is not needed here.), with(no space)out the handles. (This sentence seems odd to me. Perhaps a simple rewording will help.)

Pet: Ilmdril not only helps in traveling, but is also a great companion. (How so? Does she help Celebrian fight?)   

Drow: She is stronger than a human woman of her size, and has better vision at night (Anything else? I'll like more elaboration on this.)

Woodland skills: Celebrian can live in the woods with no aid. She does not need to live near a town or spend the night in one. In addition she is generally alert and aware of her surroundings (This is a seperate strength.)
(Para)

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places. She also feels claustrophobic in cities and larger towns. This is due to the over welling (Overwhelming amount of) noise and things going on at ones (once). It is also hard for her to be aware of her surroundings with all the action and movement at one time.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races. Nevertheless, she does try to. Not to the point of having royal airs. However, she attempts to be nice and somewhat friendly. (The last part should also be in the personality section.)
(Para)

Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash; she sometimes does not think things out all the way. Add this to holding grudges and it can get a bit hectic. (Split this up please. In addition, I'd like an example of how this hindered her.)

Dislikes authority:  Since Celebriän dislikes authority she has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will barely heed the laws of the land. She has spent the night in a prison more than once. (Does this particular trait come out often? If it doesn't, I don't think that it sould be considered a weakness. This should also be in the personality section.)

Drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf, and is sometimes avoided in bars, towns, and cities. She will try to keep her face in a shadow to hide her race from harsh eyes. (And how does this hinder her? IMHO, if people avoids her, she'd be glad because she doesn't want attention.)

Rage: In a fight, rage will some times take over. This can lead to brash or clumsy movements that will usually result in her getting a wound of some sort. Alternatively, if it is the local law a night or two in prison. (Ever heard of berserker's rage? Yeah, this seems like it. May I point out that when you're berserking, you pretty much ignore whatever pain you get, until you come down from the high. In addition, I can't really envision someone getting into a fight without getting hurt. I also object to your use of "alternatively". With that in the picture, it seems that she either gets a wound, or gets jail time. If I'm not wrong, so long as you fight in public, you go to jail or get a fine. I don't think she has a choice.)

(IMHO, you're overpowered. In addition, you'd need some serious theiving skills to steal a horse. If that's a strength, please add that in. I'd say either tone down on your strengths, or add more weaknessses.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
History
  As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim. She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life of the Eophyrhim people. Her mother also told stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wanted in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told of the people how there were pickpockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Her mother told these stories, but all along the stories where points about the fault of living live in such ways. (Uh, wha? I'm sorry, but I don't get this. Is her mother talking about how good living like that is, or how bad?) Even from this negative point of view, she had an interest in humans and other races. Aria told Celebrian that she heard all this from her grandmother who had it passed down to her from her mother. How this information came to be known was lost. (So shouldn't it be outdated? Shouldn't she realise this? In addition, she could always ask the traders who go into town about how life in cities really are like.)
  When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. They did this after a cleric had a vision of Celebrian fighting something { that something was not seen in the vision}.The cleric also saw how gifted she was, as she danced around her opponent. Her scimitars (were) a blur in her hands. The battle took place at the edge of the forestland.  The parents assumed it was against rival humans or elves. Aria and Azunur due to the vision choose her to be trained in the scimitars. (Due to the vision, Aria and Aznur chose for her to be trained in the use of scimitars.)

Celebrian was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival, (fullstop) She did participate due not wanting eat a human.  She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs (belongings) with her. She now wanders the land. (this should be at the end of your history.)

     The whiny of a horse pierced the cold fall night as a lone elf sneaked along the outside of a large estate. The thrill coming to her now, as well as the slight fear of being caught. Silent as a shadow she slipped open the gate surrounding the stable. She knew she was in the right place by the smell of horses. And not only one or two but ten. As she stalked in to the stable, she heard footsteps. Her mind reeling she dashed behind some saddles, wrapping her black cloak around her to help camouflage herself into the shadows. No sooner had she hidden than when a ground guard walked in.
"Stupid stable boy, Eh left the blood gate open." If one of the masters Kor’och fey Mologh horses had been stolen he would have my teeth for a necklace by morning.' remarked the guard and walked way. Celebrian waited long after the foot steps had gone before approaching the horses once more. Silently she examined the horses over trying to find one she liked. Finally, at the last stall she spotted a good-sized horse. She quickly looked for any thing wrong with the horse.
"You’re a pretty horse, nothing wrong with you." She then went to where she had hid from the guard and selected a saddle, a bridal, and a pair of saddlebags. Than (Then,) she when (went) and saddled up the horse she had chosen. Silently she opened the gate once more and walked out. As soon as she was away from the estate she mounted Ilmdril {as she called the horse} and rode away. (Okay. Let's review. You sucessfully sneak into an estate with 10 horses, and manage to sneak back out with a large horse in the tow, and not get detected. Firstly, a estate with 10 horses is most likely owned by a rich man. Ergo, better security. How could she sneak in, magically evading the guards and sneak back out with a fully saddled giant of a horse without any sound or detection?)

Celebrian sat across from two men. She had accepted a challenge from two drunken men. The challenge was who ever could drink the most ale and still be awake would win the “prize pile”. The prize pile consisted of a pair of scimitars with sheaths, two rubies, and Celebrian’s horse. The game was soon on. After a couple rounds Celebrian took out a small vial and poured its contents in the men’s glasses taking care for it not to be seen by the men. Soon both men where fast asleep with Celebrian picking up the scimitars and the rubies and then leaving. (Right. Two already drunk men challenge a completely sober elf in a drinking contest with seriously high stakes. On top of that, she slips a drug into their drinks without them noticing. Now. If I'm not wrong, a drinking contest would draw many spectators, and I would say that she drugging the two people is highly unlikely.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pets
Ilmdril- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Ilmdril is a Kor’och fey Mologh. Her coat is bay and he has white socks. She is 15.7 hands tall. (I would like a bit for expansion in this section. It honestly is too short. At least give it a bit of personality, or quirks. In addition, please choose one gender and stick with it. Can't have a horse being a girl and a boy at the same time, can we? ;))

There we go. I'm sorry if I seem harsh or something like that. Those are the things I've seen, so go fixy fixy. :) Oh, and for the brackets, please use the normal brackets, not {}.

Good luck!
Seh'nara
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