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Author Topic: Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger  (Read 22991 times)
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Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2008, 01:32:55 PM »

Im done with the adding to the CD comments welcome people
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Eléyr Fásamár
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« Reply #31 on: January 12, 2008, 10:36:17 AM »

Hello Celebrian! I'll take a look over it, but I mainly seem some grammar. Comments in this Royal shade of Blue!

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 47 years old
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Ranger
Title: Exiled wander
Weight:1 ped,2 Fores and 1 nailsbreath
Height:1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut
Hair: dark brown
Eyes:brown

Physical Description: Celebriän has black hair and piercing brown eyes. She is also slender, has some of her fathers elfish beauty(comma) and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature(s) and bony edges. Celebriän is a pure Eophyrhim and it is clearly shown by her Eophyrhim features making her stand out in a crowd. This is a run-on sentence, and could be broken down into at least two. She will usually wear her cloak(comma) to avoid being singled out. She has a split on the top corner off(of) her left ear(comma) from a spear thrown at her. Celebriän has a facial piercing(comma) due to exile from the Paelelon forests and a tattoo of a circle on her left cheek. This could be broken into at least two seperate sentences, and you could go into so much more detail here. What exactly does her piercing look like? Does it have jewels? Is it metal? What color is it for a start?

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pant(s)(comma) with a dark gray hooded cloak held on by a silver leaf shaped clasp.I can think of four seperate sentences for these. You should at least break them down into two. Celebriän also has a silver drow charm on a sturdy silver chain. She has a pair of gauntlets and a pair of soft leather boots. An arrow quiver that has silver inlaying and a bow sleeve, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of drow poison. The ear cuff on her right ear is a Spiro Ear Cuff. The design is fluid and playful. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

 Personality: Celebriän is dark and roguish,(no comma) (period) (new sentence) she will help a person in need if she wants(comma) but will usually need some sort of payment.  Celebriän is the(type of) person who will prefer to take out her prey from the shadows(comma) with her bow. She also prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood. She is not very trustful of people she has only meet(just met), and does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable in 2-3 person groups of her friends and her pets. Celebriän only kills animals when needed, she would help and(an) animal in need and gets angered by people and things who are/do hurt animals when it is not necessary. She has indecated(indicated this) in her past.[/glow] She all soalso holds grudges. She holds no grudges, but she hates people who are mean to animals, and is farely anti-social?
               Celebriän is not what you could say (would call) as “violent”(space)as the rest as the Eophyrhim(no space) .(space)She is usually avoided in towns and villages(comma) due to her race, people will generally ignore her or have nothing to do with her.
           Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at a inn or bar for the night {if they let her}.(space)When in a bar or a inn she will order a beer, sit in a dark corner and watch the people silently from under her hood.Remember the Cliché topic. Well, this is borderline on the "powerful person sitting in the dark corner".

I would advise you to look over the grammar in your history. Don't have time to check it, but that seems the problem throughout the rest of the CD! Keep working, and hopefully you will get titled soon!
Sincerely,
Eleyr Fasamar
« Last Edit: January 12, 2008, 10:44:29 AM by Eléyr Fásamár » Logged

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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #32 on: January 12, 2008, 10:44:36 AM »

I just fixed the space issue you had at the end of your CD hun :)
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Celebriän Véneanár
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« Reply #33 on: January 12, 2008, 03:27:16 PM »

Ok i have spell-profed the history with Word so that should do it.And im working on the facial peircing and tatto
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Celebriän Véneanár
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« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2008, 05:30:46 AM »

Ok,all done.Comments welcome
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Pikel Thunderstone
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« Reply #35 on: January 13, 2008, 07:02:52 AM »

Heyo Celebrian! I'd just thought I'd add a little LIME to your 'Lemon'.

First off, there seems to be a few issues with a lot of your paragraphs in how far the first sentence is indented. It looks like you got a little crazy with the Tab Key :p You're gonna wanna fix that to make it much easier to read. I'm going to Fix it as best i can in this post, so you could consider just Copying / pasting this post, and editing my Comments out :)

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 47 years old
Race: Elf
Tribe:  Eophyrhim
Job: Ranger
Title: Exiled wander
Weight:1 ped,2 Fores and 1 nailsbreath
Height:1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut You have Height and Weight mixed up, and quite exact i must say. Weight is prefered to be shown in just the amount of 'ods', and i don't think you need to have your character's height down to the nailsbreadth ;)
Hair: dark brown
Eyes:brown

Physical Description: Celebriän has black hair length and style hair? as you have it written, your character's hair can be anywhere from nearly shaven to down to her Rolling knees :p and piercing brown eyes. She is also slender, has some of her fathers elfish beauty, and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature and bony edges. Celebriän is a pure Eophyrhim. This is clearly shown by her Eophyrhim features making her stand out in a crowd. She will usually wear her cloak, to avoid being singled out. She has a split on the top corner of her left ear from a spear thrown at her. Celebriän has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests and a tattoo of a circle why a circle?on her left cheek.

Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pants, with a dark gray hooded cloak. It is held on by a silver leaf shaped clasp. Celebriän also has a silver drow charm Define 'Drow charm' what does this 'drow charm' look like? on a sturdy silver chain. She has a pair of gauntlets made of? Gauntlents can be anything from leather to mithril. What are hers? and a pair of soft leather boots. An arrow quiver that has silver inlaying and a bow sleeve, and a leather pouch that holds a small vial of drow poison. The Eophyrhim entry says nothing about the use of poison, thus 'drow poison' wouldn't be well ...existant...unless you are talking about a different kind of drow. The ear cuff on her right ear is a Spiro Spiro? Do you mean Spiral? I do not understand this word. Ear Cuff. The design is fluid and playful. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.

 Personality: Celebriän is dark and roguish. She will help a person in need if she wants but will usually need some sort of payment. Celebriän is the type of  person who will prefer to take out her prey from the shadows, with her bow. She also prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood. She is not very trustful of people she has just meets, and she does not enjoy large groups of people. She feels very comfortable with her  pets. Celebriän only kills animals when needed, she would help an animal in need and gets angered by people and things who hurt animals when it is not necessary. She has indicated this in her past. She also holds grudges agains people.

Celebriän is not what you would call as “violent”(spacebar!)as the rest as the Eophyrhim. She is usually avoided in towns and villages due to her race, people will generally ignore her or have nothing to do with her.

Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but prefers to stay at a inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or a inn she will order a beer, sit along the wall  and watch the people from under her hood. She likes to watch people and how they act, she finds it interesting.

Alright, this is where most first time CDs are most lacking. Realize that the Personality Section is what defines how your character is. It describes WHO your character, and your history explains how they became that person. Both should be indepth, full and rich. My suggestion would be to put a lot of thought into 'WHO' your character is, and tell us in this section. You say Cerebrian is 'Dark and roguish', well elaborate on that. Tell us everything about how she thinks and acts, then go to history and tell us why.

Strengths:
Archery: Celebriän learned the skill of archery from her father when she wanted to shoot like the young drow men. It is also a common weapon for the drow: she has found it to her liking.

Steel scimitars: Celebriän tricked these from a rich, wealthy merchant in a unfair game of chance. After “getting” getting sounds so...out of place in the quotations. I'd say...'After "winning" the scimitars the scimitars he fled from the merchant and his guards. One of the guards threw a spear at her and split the top corner of her ear.

Pets: Celebriän pets all so aid her in her life. Hunting and for company is Azuca's part. And also for companionship Falhófnir will also help in traveling.

a drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf she is usually avoided in bars, towns , cities, ect. She is the last one to be picked on. She is also stronger than a human woman of her same size. and would have better vision at night

Weakness:
Caustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying it small, crammed spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places a thief might hide.

Social Skills: Celebriän does not really know how to interact with other elves and races.

Is a drow: Even though(no T) she no longer is part of the Eophyrhim tribe (and is a little disgusted with the Arvins festival) she is looked down upon and avoided. Celebriän does not make/have close relationships, she is more of that outsider, with no real enemies, but no(no space required)body would call her a “friend”.

Rash: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash, she sometimes not think things out all the way. Add this to Personality!

Two things about your S&W. first: When listing them off, be more uniform. Notice i changed them all to have have colons, as opposed to the sometimes a dash, sometimes a coma. Second: Your character is pretty out of balance right now. Proficiency it two weapons (including duel wielding blades of moderate length), pets, and being of the Eophyrhim tribe makes you quite the warrior, and your Weaknesses do not counterbalance this. My suggestion would be to, again, put a lot of thought into your personality, and take debilitating parts of your personality and add them here, and take the good parts of personality, and add them to your strengths.

History
As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the drow, her mother told her to listen to her heart That sounds like something an Eophyrhim mother would *not* say. Her mother also told fascinating stories of huge cites and towns where you could get what ever you wished in the market place. How there were fruits of many types and of the jewelry stands that would sell brooches and rings. She told too of the people how there were pick pockets and handmaidens for the queen, of the commoners. Eophyrhim are reclusive. Even if your mother did know of these cities and their experiences, which i doubt unless it was in a seriously negative viewpoint, i doubt she would tell such stories unless, again, it was from a negative viewpoint.

When she was about thirteen a thirteen year old eophyrhim would be the equivalent of a human toddler her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. From the Eophyrhim entry, i got the feeling that women weren't often trained as warriors, especially from a young age. Celebriän picked two steel scimitars as her first hand First hand? i don't understand what you mean here weapon and a bow as her secondary weapon. Celebriän excelled at the swords, but at the bow she had a harder time but still was still relatively good. Celebriän in the end she was better at the scimitars and uses these in fights. She carries them everywhere and will not willing give them up with out a fight. The bow mainly stays strapped to her pack and is used only for hunting. These two sentences do not belong in history i think.

Celebriän could not let such an opportunity as pick pocketing one of the mages ...Could not let the opportunity do what? The Sentence is unfinished. .A little explanation would be nice, some lead up as to what mage and why your character tried to pickpocket what from them She failed and was caught. She was exiled from the drow territory and was forced to pierce her face. Before she left she was allowed to take her weapons, armor, and her animals with her. She now wanders the land.

Celebrian has always felt that animals are for food and travel use, but she also thinks that just because we have a higher intelligence we should not abuse or mistreat them. That they have feelings to and we should respect them not as people but as companions. Celebrian does in no way abject to a killing of an animal for but, but the killing should be done with respect. This should all be put in personality, and just describe this specific instance in the history. An example of this was when she saw a man beating his horse with a riding crop. The horse was exhausted and had collapsed on the ground. Celebrian saw this and was outraged. Celebrian rode (on her horse) over to the man.

“If you let your horse rest you will be on your way faster than if you beat it repeatedly.” said Celebrian
“Who are ye to tell me what to doing with me animal?” replied the man haughtily
“I am no one of importance, but of you continue to beat your animal I will have to do something.”
“Oh will ya now girly.” with that he can the horse another lash
“Well fine with me then. If I can’t change your mind, but let me take a look at your horse than maybe I can help if.”
“Well, ok then but mind you if you slip that hand o’yern in to me saddlebags that will be the last thing you steal on earth”
Celebrian than when over to the Centoraurian horse but quick as lightning she darted over to the man, scimitars seemingly magically appearing at her hands, than at the mans throat.”
“I will not harm you much, but just so you have some thinking time for your self, I will tie you to a tree”.

And so Celebrian did much to the man’s discomfort, unamusment, and loud protests to the fact he was being tied to a tree and was probable going to be there for a while.

‘Ye can’t do tis to me.” The out-raged man huffed
“Well I just did sorry to disappoint you. Well now that’s done and over with I will relive you of your weighty purse here my friend. Oh hers a little some thing to remember me by.”

That Celebrian raised the tip of one scimitar and almost too quick for the eye she cut of the man’s cheeks.
‘Oy!! What the be for yer thieving dog”
 “Let’s call in a memory, that cut will scar, you will remember this for a while”   

With that Celebrian mounted her horse with Azuca falling in step with the horse left.

This entire situation makes me think that your character is far MORE violent than the Eophyrhim Race, not less so, as your personality says. You attacked, bound, and scarred a man merely for hitting a horse, whereas The eophyrhim only attack trespassers. Thus, a revision of your personality needs to be done, or this entire event is very out of character.

   
Another time as Celebrian as wandering about she came upon a merchant and a small group of guards. At the sight of an Eophyrhim the guards became unnerved slightly.

“What is your business with the merchant Cristoffels.” asked the captain of the guards.”
“I would like to see if he has any weapons for sale,” answered Celebrian promptly
“Then go into his tent, but take one of my guards with you.” Added the guard
         
With the guard keeping a close eye on Celebrian she entered the tent. When in she saw a man sitting at a desk polishing a golden sapphire necklace.

“Ah an elf, come to buy my wears no doubt.” He said trying to hide his feelings that there was an Eophyrhim (remove this was) standing in front of him.
“You are right I have, do you have any weapons for barter.
“Yes I have a dagger with a jeweled hilt, a short sword, and dual scimitars both having sheaths.” Replied merchant Cristoffels

“I have an interest in theses scimitars,” Celebrian stated after browsing over the weapons. “ I have a game of chance with me. I will make you deal, we will play the game if I win you give me the scimitars, belt, and sheath-
“If I win I get that silver charm and the chain.” Interrupted the merchant.
“Fine then. Now how you play is I have here a cup and in it are six balls, three white each is one point, two red five points each, and the last one is black and is twenty-five points. We will each take a turn to with out looking take two balls from the cup. The one with the most points wins.”
“Sounds good ill go first,” said the merchant eagerly the idea of the valuable charm imprinted in his mind.  And with that he reached in and drew out a red and a white.
“Ha beat that elf’!!!!

Then Celebrian reached in and drew a black and a red. With that the merchant’s smile crumbled as he realized he had lost to good scimitars to an elf basically handing them to her for free. Slowly he handed over the scimitars, the belt, and the sheaths.

Then he realized something. The balls she was still holding had bumps on them the red and three and the whites had two swiftly he scooped up the black one it have five bumps on it! Please, only one exclamation mark. and this entire sentence needs to be re thought, for it makes little sense, and is grammatically very hard to read

“ You thieving dark elf,” hissed the merchant the words laced with poison
“Cruros” shouted the merchant to the guard “apprehend her.”

Then Celebrian, in what seemed one whole graceful move, drew one of the scimitars and hit the guard on the head with the hilt knocking him out. Also at what seemed like the same time pivoted and slashed at the merchant not to hit him but instead to send him reeling back head over heels as he tripped backward over the table her had first sat on. Then Celebrian charged out of the tent as fast as her legs could go. A second later the merchant came out sputtering, “Get her you fools get her” One of the guards then threw a javelin at Celebrian. Celebrian then felt a burst of pain as blood flowed from her ear. The spear had gone through the top of her left ear and landed in front of her. She stumbled a little bit, surprised at blood flowing from her ear. But she ran on with the guards not far behind. Then she reached her horse, breathing hard with both the scimitars tucked under her arm she mounted her horse and fled much to the disappointment to the guards. They knew that the merchant would not be at all happy with is turn of events. Grumpily they turned back knowing they could not  out-run a horse. That's the end of her history?

Pets
Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest. Falhófnir is an unknown breed of horse There are no 'unknown' breeds of horses. Remember the CD is written from an omniscient point of view. The CD knows the breed of the horse, despite whether or not the character does :); he has combination of white and black coat. He is 15.3 hands tall.
Azuca- is her loyal hunting hound from the forests. She is a hunting hound. And she has black fur on her back and underside. And she has beggy large brown eyes.

Alright. A good first CD, but a few things need to be acknowledged beyond my above comments. There were numerous errors with spacing, comas, and paragraphs. My suggestion would be to copy and past my entire post, and then edit out my comments. Other than that, follow my comments, and you will be well on your way to your first approval!

EDIT: I was posting this when you posted about your facial tattoo
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #36 on: January 14, 2008, 04:10:29 AM »

Quote
She is also slender, has some of her fathers elfish beauty ,and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature and bony edges.

That implies she isn't a pure Eophyrhim.


And please run your CD through a spell check. I picked up about 10 misspelled words in the appearance section alone.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #37 on: February 03, 2008, 01:50:04 PM »

Im done with the adding to the CD. comments welcome      grin grin grin grin
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Thael Rusthorn
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« Reply #38 on: February 03, 2008, 02:12:17 PM »

Hi, i'm not a mod but please take my advice and spell check your CD repeatedly. It makes the mods job easier, and will hurry your approval along that much faster. :)
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-----You must first find the beast within for you to walk amongst them-----
                                      ----Thael Rusthorn----
Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #39 on: February 03, 2008, 04:14:17 PM »

Ok.i have just used Microsoft Word spell checked my CD.comment welcome grin
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Sir Ruil Mallister
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« Reply #40 on: February 04, 2008, 04:25:27 PM »

A couple worries that have caught my eye.  First off, merely having two scimitars is not a strength in and of itself, but rather the skill in wielding said weapons.  Your scimitar strength does nothing to show us the extent to which Celebrian can use these swords.  For all we know, she could hurt her hand the first time she actually struck something hard (like armor) and drop the sword.  She could be completely unstoppable even when compared to those characters who have used their weapons for much longer.  A few sentences, at the least, eliminating the vagueness of the "scimitars" strength would help immensely.

Other than that, it seems you have not made the changes Pikel asked you to.  Sure, you've made some corrections and elaborated on some things, but the imbalance of the S&Ws in general is still present, even though Pikel has asked you to reflect upon this.  Please read his previous post again and pay attention to each point he makes.
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Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #41 on: February 05, 2008, 11:20:38 AM »

Ya i did, i took away her archery and her hunting hound.
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Celebriän Véneanár
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #42 on: February 06, 2008, 01:42:48 PM »

Im done with the adding to the CD. comments welcome   grin grin grin grin
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iuá lythán iuá eophyrán.-Celebriän Véneanár
Pikel Thunderstone
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« Reply #43 on: February 08, 2008, 05:57:54 PM »

Again, Your weaknesses to not balance your strengths. I suggest adding in more.
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Celebriän Véneanár
Lost Eophyrhim
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Elf, Eophyrhim


« Reply #44 on: February 10, 2008, 04:38:45 AM »

Im done with the S&W problem i think i have resolved it by adding three more weakness to the CD. comments welcome  grin grin grin grin
« Last Edit: February 10, 2008, 04:41:17 AM by Celebriän Véneanár » Logged

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