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Author Topic: Azhira Styralias ~ Aellenrhim/Epheronian ~ Earth Mage-Healer  (Read 25316 times)
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2008, 09:32:25 PM »

Thank you for catching those little errors, Eleyr. The CD has been edited and awaits further comment.  :D
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2008, 10:21:32 PM »

*BUMP*

Still looking for comments, please. Its been awhile. Thanks.
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Twén Aråerwén
Death's Mistress
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« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2008, 06:22:00 AM »

After a complete read over I am quite happy with what you have done Azhira. There is but a single thing I ask, in the magic section the names of all spells are to be capitalized. Since they are names they carry the same requirements as mentioning a person. Other than this I am going to have a Sand Sister expert look over the history to make sure those aspects are handled properly. Once she gives the ok, on the historical aspects you have your first approval. Most likely this shall be handled overnight and you should be ready to go tomorrow.
~Sincerely~
Cáo cár'tuulenís:Twen Araerwen
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•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
_.·´¯) Twén Aråerwén's CD(¯`·._
Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2008, 06:27:34 AM »

Okey dokey! - Spell names capitalized...DONE! Thanks!
« Last Edit: January 29, 2008, 06:28:29 AM by Azhira El'rosse » Logged

"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Simonne Miller
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« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2008, 06:29:24 AM »

I will take a look at your character tomorrow, I have to go to sleep now ;)
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Sir Ruil Mallister
Valor Conquers
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« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2008, 12:28:50 PM »

I must say that waiting a full week before bumping shows patience.  That is indeed a well-respected virtue here.  I hope you hear from the Sand Sister expert soon, and get titled even sooner!
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2008, 05:24:26 PM »

As promised, here I am ;)

I don't think an uri check is necessary, so I'll be giving my comments in bullet points.

-You still need a title ;)
-Your subject line says 'shadow mage', while your overview says 'wind mage'
-1.5 peds is not the average Sand sister height, it's quite a bit smaller. 1 meter 50 = 1.5 peds, 1 meter 85 centimeters = the average height. My apologies if you don't know the metric system, because I don't know the other one ;)
-Extravert, not extrovert (personality), immediately, not immediantly (history, second paragraph after her heroics in the desert)
-One thing I miss in your history is when she crosses the water. After all, the Sand Sisters are an Aeruilian tribe, and Ximax lies in Sarvonia. There's an ocean and many, many strals of land inbetween the two. The way it is written now, the city she goes to and starts thieving in is Ximax... But this is not possible, for the reason just stated.
-Finally, the last matter I wondered about, is a matter of language. Does she speak Tharian fluently? Sand sisters have their own language, however she did spend quite a few years in Ximax, where she'd be able to learn it fairly easily. Perhaps a small mention of how she learned it in her history, maybe some initial difficulties, would be enough to solve this problem.

So, to recap: The biggest problem at this moment is the time of moving from Aeruillin to Ximax. There are some maps on the site, you can see how much distance is between the two. An explanation of why she went there is, methinks, vital.

When you've addressed my comments, I believe you should be ready to receive your approvals ^.^ I changed your icon to the pencil :)

With regard,
Simonne
« Last Edit: January 29, 2008, 05:26:56 PM by Simonne Miller » Logged
Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #22 on: January 29, 2008, 11:07:23 PM »

Whew! I had to add four entirely new paragraphs and edit a few others to fill that little bit of history in...

In short, I consulted the maps and found a logical way for Azhira to get to Ximax. She first journeyed to the northern Aeruillin town of Shan'Thai where she stowed aboard a trading ship. She traveled in the cargo hold living on what she could for a few days until the ship moored on the western coastal town of Chylikis. She disembarked and immediately started her thieving career. It was here that she discovered by her future mentor Mona.

Mona introduced her to the capitol city of New-Santhala where they got to know each other and continued to practice their craft. This was also when Azhira learned to speak Tharian (albeit nothing formal). It was then that Mona convinced Azhira to learn shadow magic (wind magic used for thieving purposes) and they journeyed to Ximax where Azhira enrolled under a false name and using Mona's influence as a former student (even though she dropped out, Mona still had friends and mentors within the Academy that she convinced to help Azhira enroll).

I also added a title, changed Azhira's height, and edited the spelling mistakes.
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Simonne Miller
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« Reply #23 on: January 29, 2008, 11:24:00 PM »

All right, much better ^.^

Here's your first approval!
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2008, 10:21:10 PM »

Thanks Simonne!  Thumb up

Looking for that second approval... ;)
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Pikel Thunderstone
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« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2008, 06:57:37 AM »

Alright. 1 quick thing and I'll give you an approval.

1) Your character is a tad overpowered. I looked through your personality and found this:

She rarely expresses her emotions to strangers and most interpret her as being aloof and unfriendly. She speaks out of necessity and that is all. Her heart is forever guarded as she keeps any outward signs of pleasure, contentment or happiness locked tight behind a grim, frowning face.

Add that to Weaknesses and You're good to go for my approval.
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2008, 07:04:07 AM »

Thank you Pikel.

It has been added. I agree that such an outward display of unfriendliness is a weakness...one she is having to work on if she is to make any allies.
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Pikel Thunderstone
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« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2008, 07:07:32 AM »

and 2nd approval. Kalina will be around shortly to title you :)
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #28 on: January 31, 2008, 07:11:21 AM »

Thanks Pikel!  Thumb up

I re-worded the personality portion slightly so as not to duplicate the same paragraph in both sections. They both say approximately the same thing though.
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #29 on: January 31, 2008, 11:50:28 AM »

And titled! Have fun!
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
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