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Author Topic: The Illiana Twins - Arthyron/Maeverhim - Hunter/Cook  (Read 12322 times)
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The Illiana Twins
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« Reply #30 on: May 03, 2008, 09:39:25 PM »

That was actually how I thought it would go, but I could never have put it in such a clear manner. Thanks Torscha. Would you mind if I put that into my CD?
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Torscha
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« Reply #31 on: May 03, 2008, 11:57:05 PM »

Sure, why not? I'm sure I'm not the only weapons-geek, though. Twen's got a pretty good idea of how they work, and I'm sure Ruil and many others do as well. My familiarity with Western weapons and tactics are pretty flimsy, though. Eastern weapons and martials arts are my forte.
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The Illiana Twins
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« Reply #32 on: May 04, 2008, 12:41:48 AM »

Alright! The fighting style's explained, and the familiar is a strength now. Anyone else? :D
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Torscha
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« Reply #33 on: May 04, 2008, 01:41:28 AM »

Apparently as chefs they somehow still can't spell "cuisine".
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The Illiana Twins
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« Reply #34 on: May 04, 2008, 01:51:39 AM »

Gah. *slaps forehead* I meant to fix the titles ages ago. Thanks. :)
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The Illiana Twins
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« Reply #35 on: May 05, 2008, 08:15:15 PM »

*Bumpidity bump*
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Rookie Brownbark
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« Reply #36 on: May 05, 2008, 10:15:29 PM »

Hello Xanth and Xander!

I have to admit the reason I haven't come back to give you more comments myself is because I wasn't entirely sure that I was happy with the familiar situation still.  It i*is* a lot lot better, but there are two things which I think you should really be careful with:

~ I am worried that the eagle is understanding too much of what is going on around it.  Although it could probably be trained to obey simple words of command like come here, go away, no, its name etc, it's important that you don't allow its understanding to go beyond this.

~ The same with Miros - he cannot understand the idea of "debt" or "gratitude", even if you did save his life.  He could understand "Mine, geroff" or "this person feeds me" and the difference between "danger" and "saftey" but really this is going to be about it.  Think hamster/rat level of intelligence.  Hamsters cannot even be taught their names or understand any sort of loyalty (they do not recongnise you as their owner in any way), and this creature is rather similar to them in the way it lives. Rats are naturally more sociable and can be taught to come to their names.  They show some prefential behavior towards their owner compared to other people, but not a huge amount.

I hope this slightly lecture-like piece helps you more than it annoys you ;).

Rookie xxx
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #37 on: May 05, 2008, 11:59:01 PM »

Ok, I read up until Xanth's personality. I really have only a few comments:

anyone of the opposite gender? > Don't generalise too much. He's not gonna win over 'every' female everywhere, no matter how good he is.
Earhole> earlobe > in his physical appearance. It's hard to dangle an earring from an earhole, I think you meant 'earlobe'
Knight of shining armour > knight in shining armour
Ophidiophobia> this name is too scientific sounding. I'd make it 'fear of snakes'.
Put offing > off-putting (Xanth)
Xanths personality > is a little bit contradictory. She's optimistic yet a cynical brat. I'd change it so that she's optimistic most of the time and only cynical if the mood takes her.

Nitpicky, I know ;) That's a good sign though. I'll try to read the rest tonight but I can't make any promises.
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The Illiana Twins
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« Reply #38 on: May 06, 2008, 12:25:25 AM »

Thanks Simmone and Rookie! :)

I've done all the edits now, any more comments?
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #39 on: May 06, 2008, 02:40:37 AM »

Alrighty, last comments then.
-Your two-tailed squirrel: You say that he hisses at large predators, and that 'no self-respecting predator is gonna let him disrespect them'. Any idea how human that sounds? ;) He's a rodent. Those predators you name are used to fairly larger prey than a two-tailed squirrel. Most likely, they just wouldn't notice him hissing at them. The only reason a large predator ever eats a rodent is when there's absolutely nothing else to be had; they wouldn't attack him for hissing at them. They're animals, they have no sense of respect/disrespect, not at such a deep level. Predators like wolves respect the alpha wolves, and they have a hierarchy, but that only works for their own pack. A rodent hissing is not part of that hierarchy ;)

-I don't understand what made their parents suddenly decide to start fighting again. They'd been doing fairly well without fighting, hadn't they? So was it just Nate appearing that made them go somewhere? And where? But mostly, the question is 'why', and why didn't they return after this thing was over, or at least let their children know they were ok?

Other than that, I'd just read through your CD again, there are some minor grammatical mistakes in Xanth's CD. When you've done that, I *think* you should be ready for an approval :)
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The Illiana Twins
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« Reply #40 on: May 09, 2008, 10:03:28 PM »

Alright!

~ Fixed that. He still hisses, but only when he's suspicious of things.

~ Made him fight because someone wanted revenge on them. And they didn't return because they're captured by the villian. But the twins don't know that. They're optimistic people. :)

Thanks for your comments, Simmone. :) Any other comments?
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #41 on: May 10, 2008, 09:21:31 PM »

Ok, I'm happy ;) Here's your first approval
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Twn Arerwn
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« Reply #42 on: May 11, 2008, 12:59:51 AM »

~Second Approval and Titled~
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The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
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