Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide

[Maue]

Thank you all for your comments so much. I have worked on it and done some research. If anyone has better ideas for what breed Wits is please let me know.
 

[Garret Arroway]

Well, things are looking good and see you have already made some edits on the animal part of your character. I'll like to give you some more input on those areas as well.

     - Alright, first off, the strength in which you describe you understand of animals seems a bit much to me. In my opinion there is a bit of a difference between 'understanding' someone/something and reading its emotions the way I interpreted the first sentence. The way you have this strength described leans more toward reading body language and knowing what signifies certain emotions. If that is what you meant it might be helpful to make that a bit clearer.

     - Secondly, if your animals help you they would be counted as a strength. Being able to follow the falcon when it seeks water while on the road would be helpful and the creature's sharp eyes would pick out sources of food. These are both reasons that the falcon would probably be counted as a strength and there could be more depending on its personality. The horse can also be counted as a strength as it gets you from place to place, but its unfriendly nature could be counted as a weakness if it was enough to chase off customers or get you into trouble while traveling through a city. This all goes back to personality and these are things you need to consider when role playing with familiars.

     - My third is on how you found your falcon. The entry states that they are mostly found in the Stone Fields of Peat. If others are found out of that one area, I believe they would still be found in Northern Sarvonia mostly. Here is a map showing the Stone Fields of Peat. Your tribe lives in Southern Sarvonia. It’s a long way and would cost a great deal to get there so there would probably need to be a good reason. Another thing is that the fields seem to be mainly inhabited by giants and trolls. My suggestion would be selecting a different type of bird and finding out exactly where they reside. Getting up one day and traveling that far north isn't all that easy and risking life and limb for a bird seems a little … 'death wishy'.

     - Now I'll bring up how you acquire your horse. In this time period, money is money and they aren't likely to just let one get away or risk having one stolen. A san would buy ten to fifteen minutes from a youth with nothing to do more than likely and the owner of a horse can more than make up for it when that animal is sold (even a rotten horse). At this time I think perhaps the Southern Draught Horse would be your best bet. These animals can be any color, thought it might have some white markings. Most prefer the lighter coloring for these animals because they believe they are less likely to suffer heatstroke. So, having that in your favor, getting away with stealing this horse seems more likely and your breed problem would be solved. Here is the link for the Sarvonian Heavy Horse entry.

     - Next I'd like to bring you familiar section out into the open again and wish to tackle each animal at a time. A space between paragraphs would be appreciated (in all areas because that will make it easier to read). If you keep the Ash Falcon, I'd suggest you read up on the entry and probably add a bit about his appearance. What color is he? Does he have any odd markings? About how big is he (height/wingspan)? Would also like to see temperament expanded on and noticed that you kept him being friendly to others. A wild falcon would be wary of most humans. Even if you have been with it for a while and it is somewhat tame, it still grew up in the wild and survival instincts never fade entirely. There are a few other questions I would like to see answered as well. Does he hunt for himself or does he depend on you for food? Where does he perch when he is resting? If this animal perches on your shoulder than I'd consider adding a part about leather padding on your shoulders for Cal, since his sharp talons would probably shred your skin without it.

     - Now my comments on your horse, the first thing I want to bring up is appearance. About how tall is he? Is he completely black or have odd markings (see comment and link above on horse breed)? I see that you have temperament pretty much hammered out and that is good, though expanding on how far this horse will go in his 'game' would help in certain situations. Would he snap at someone when he is passing them in a crowded market place? Is he likely to attempt to bite a stable hand? How does he react to other animals?

That is about all for my comments right now. You have some good work and writing here, but as you can see there is still a lot to work on. Animals have their part in role playing and while many would select a more docile horse that just gets them from place to place, you tried something else. The attitude of your animal will make role playing in certain situations more interesting, but it does take a bit more work at this time. Hopefully my comments help you get on the right track with your animals.

[Maue]

Thank you for commenting again. I appreciate the help with my animals. I knew that my character had to have animals with distinctive personalities but I am still learning about this world so I appreciate the help.

[Maue]

Just bumping it up. 

[Mannix]

Um could you make all changes a different colour.  We're supposed to do it, to make life easier for mods, and so a quicker approval.

Mannix

[Maue]

O.K. I think anything that was not in the original is now in green. Thank you for the tip Mannix.
Maue

[Eléyr Fásamár]

Hello Maue! This is very well written! Just one minor thing~

It has a willow embroidered onto its right side.

Just need to capitalize here!

Also your strengths and below look kind of odd... Did you mean for them to appear that way?

Your approval should not be far off!

[Luca the Thief]

Daat da da daaa! Comments looks like oranges

Name:
Maue Sinian

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Elf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is lean but does not look fragile. Her eyes are the silver of the freshly risen new moon. Her hair is brown but under the right light it appears to be olive green How does this work or why does it happen?. No matter what color it currently is, Maue's hair will always float into her face. She refuses to tie it back out of some inner stubbornness that lacks all reason. Her face is worn by the earth and travel. She is tall for her kind but not overbearingly so. Her hands are well callused and on her left palm she has a scar. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but looks green under the right light

Eye Color:
Silver This eye color is not common in any tribe to my knowledge. Please choose a more 'standard' eye color.

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak. Maue's favorite tunic goes to just past her waist and is ivy green. it has a willow embroidered onto its right side. The sleeves are loose but the neck comes close to her actual neck. Her favorite breeches are long and loose. They are the dark brown of fresh mud. Her boots are soft but tight at the ankle. They are well made and good for walking or riding.

Personality:
She is an extremely stubborn individual. When she makes up her mind about a subject, or a person, it does not change without a lot of convincing. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. She will sit in the back of a room and listen to every conversation that she can hear. She tries to understand how people can get along and why different groups choose each other. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can.

Strengths:

- She is smart and knows the Bolder and Thaelon forests very well. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest. You mentioned education earlier. What is she educated, her topics of focus/interest?


- She is extremely good with animals and is very perceptive about them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. A brief example involving horses. What ever their ears are pointing towards they are paying attention to. If their ears are in different directions they are relaxed. If their ears are down they are ticked. If you can see the whites of their eyes they are scared, and likely running. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this.

- She is also very good with her daggers. Maue first learned to fight with daggers after she moved out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest by herself, which is much of the time. Because you are self taught, your skill level won't be exceptional. Your wording as it is is fine for portraying your skill level, but just a reminder for when you start roleplaying.

- Maue's skill with the bow and arrow is rudimentary. She knows the basics but that is all. Where did she learn this skill? Add to your history.

- Maue learned Tharian when she was young and living in her tribe like most young Aellenrhim.

- Maue's animals. Witz, her horse, allows Maue to travel quicker from place to place. Cal, her Corbie friend, finds water from the air and Maue follows him.[/li][/list]

Weaknesses:

- Maue is too stubborn for her own good. Elaborate on this a little more. How exactly does this come about in her day to day life?

- She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest and questions all possible costumers about the fact.

- Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her self imposed exile. So she only avoids Allenhrims? Or elves? Doesn't this contradict her work?

- Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 7 peds. 22 feet is pretty high; I think most people would be afraid of that. You can keep it like that if you want, but just make sure you have your conversion correct.

- Witz. His personality has caused Maue to be kicked out of multiple inns. She now warns all hostlers to stay away and that she will tend him.

 History:

Maue was her parent's first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry, biology, and geography, her brother learned magic as quickly as he could. What kind of magic? Who taught him? Why was he not sent to Ximax?

When the two were 15 Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life. Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from. Tyrone in his delusions did not realize that is sister had come to see him and had attacked Maue. 15 is very young and I'm not sure if a home-trained elf would be able to create a shock (which is wind magic, I believe) so easily. I might need somebody to double check that for me though.

After Tyrone died, Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed. While visiting her brother she had seen the unmistakable thorns of a Foolsbed Bush. Someone had given her brother too much of the drug called Foolsbed Dew, that is what killed him. Her goal in life is to find her brother's killer. Even though your character may not know, we should still have an idea as to who killed the brother and why. Also, how did they acquire Foolsbed? It is located in the desert. She travels the Bolder and Thaelon forests guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.

Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she had a tattoo of a falcon placed on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter. Mention this tattoo in your Appearance section and perhaps add this worship to your personality as well.

Maue first met her friend Cal, the Corbie, when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many weeks and offered him food. Be sure to add your knowledge of healing to your strengths. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history and other stories to distract him while she tried to ease his pain. The two have been companions since. Cal fallows Maue closely and shares her food although he avoids getting too close to those whom she guides. He refuses to be held but doesn't mind when Maue stokes his head.

While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue saw him untie the gelding. From the direction that the man was taking the angry horse Maue could tell that he would not survive the day. When the horse's owner went into the leather worker's store she walked over and untied the horse. How is it that the horse would attack its master and not her? The store had no windows and the streets were to full for anyone to pay attention to one more horse. After two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz. You'll have to add in your history somewhere how she learned to handle horses and train them. Because this is a skill of some mention, I would suggest you also add it to your strengths or elaborate on what you already have there.

Weapons:

Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed In the boot or outside?. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it.

Belongings:

She has a silver chain with a small falcon made out of bone on it. Witz's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon. Maue bought this about a year after she finished training Witz.

Familiars:

Maue travels with two animals the first is the Corbie Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is somewhat friendly but still standoffish. He is all black, as is all of his kind, and is large for a bird. His feathers are more organized then those of most Corbies because Cal lets Maue preen him some. Cal was about 2 when Maue found him. He is about 6 years old now. He hunts for himself and refuses to be held. Once he had healed from his original wounds Maue tried to continue to fed him, but unless she left the food at least 3 palmspans away Cal would not touch it. When Maue is camping Cal is often resting on a nearby tree branch. Although when she goes into villages or cities he will fallow. Cal prefers to stay outside and sleep rather than join Maue, when she sleeps in an inn, or with Witz in a stable.

Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is slightly over five fores. Witz is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue and he can be possessive at times. Witz will move so that he is positioned between Maue and whoever she is guiding. This has led her to tether him on the side of her that is farthest from her costumer. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. She now has to tell all hostlers to avoid him and that she will tend to him. Witz has tried to bite many stable hands and this has resulted in Maue being forced from inns. He has so far been safe while passing through cities. Maue thinks that this is because there is simply too many people for him to decide who to bite. At Maue's best guess Witz was about 6 when she stole him and is now roughly 10. She thinks that he is mostly Sarvonian Heavy Horse. What else Witz could be in Wit's family tree she isn't sure.

Luca's Final Thought Very nice CD so far. A few inconsistencies here and there that need to be addressed, but nothing overly major. I do think your Strengths and Weaknesses are unbalanced right now so you'll probably have to tone down your strengths or add some weaknesses; one suggestion I have is getting rid of your bow skill because it does not seem like you would use it very often anyways. Good luck and I'll be around again to look at your edits!

[Mannix]

Okay this is my first comment as an approved member, so here we go (look for the red, also sorry that everything is in bracket, I went crazy for a moment.):

Name:
Maue Sinian

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Elf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is lean but does not look fragile. Her eyes are the silver of the freshly risen new moon. Her hair is brown but under the right light it appears to be olive green.(look at Luca’s comment) No matter what color it currently is, Maue's hair will always float into her face. She refuses to tie it back out of some inner stubbornness that lacks all reason.(Is this because of a certain event, if it isn’t disregard this comment) Her face is worn by the earth and travel. She is tall for her kind but not overbearingly so. Her hands are well callused and on her left palm she has a scar. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but looks green under the right light

Eye Color:
Silver(again refer to Luca’s comment)

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak. Maue's favorite tunic goes to just past her waist and is ivy green. It has a willow embroidered onto its right side. The sleeves are loose but the neck comes close to her actual neck. Her favorite breeches are long and loose. They are the dark brown of fresh mud. Her boots are soft but tight at the ankle. They are well made and good for walking or riding.
Personality:
She is an extremely stubborn individual. When she makes up her mind about a subject, or a person, it does not change without a lot of convincing. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. She will sit in the back of a room and listen to every conversation that she can hear. She tries to understand how people can get along and why different groups choose each other. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can. (try and vary sentence starters, most are ‘her’ or ‘she’.)
Strengths:


She is smart and knows the Bolder and Thaelon forests very well. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest. (About Thaelon…How does she know the forest so well, it is extremely large?  Also, she wouldn’t lead humans into the forest, as it is sacred; and elves can make their way around without knowing the exact way.  What would she lead them to?  I’d just write a sentence or two on it.)

She is extremely good with animals and is very perceptive about them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. A brief example involving horses. What ever their ears are pointing towards they are paying attention to. If their ears are in different directions they are relaxed. If their ears are down they are ticked. If you can see the whites of their eyes they are scared, and likely running. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this. (I like this.  By the way, is this true?)

She is also very good (good is a very…plain word.  Try something else.) with her daggers. Maue first learned to fight with daggers after she moved out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest by herself, which is much of the time. (‘alone’ and ‘by herself, one isn’t needed.)


Maue's skill with the bow and arrow is rudimentary. She knows the basics but that is all.(give us an idea of this skill)
Maue learned Tharian when she was young and living in her tribe like most young Aellenrhim.
Maue's animals. Witz, her horse, allows Maue to travel quicker from place to place. Cal, her Corbie friend, finds water from the air and Maue fallows him.[/li][/list](get rid of [/li][/list])


Weaknesses:


Maue is too stubborn for her own good. (explain this)


She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest and questions all possible costumers about the fact.(I don’t see an explanation on magic destroying her family.  Just a warning, this restricts who you can interact with.  Finally, doesn’t this mean she didn’t like her brother.)


Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her self imposed exile. (How can you guide people, but not interact with them.  As I have said she wouldn’t lead humans in Thaelon.)


Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 7 peds.
Witz. His personality has caused Maue to be kicked out of multiple inns. She now warns all hostlers to stay away and that she will tend him.[/li][/list] (Again, get rid of [/li][/list])


History:
   Maue was her parent's first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry, biology, and geography, her brother learned magic as quickly as he could. (explain this)
   When the two were 15(this is very young) Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life(, but) Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from. Tyrone in his delusions did not realize that is sister had come to see him and had attacked Maue.
   After Tyrone died, Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed. While visiting her brother she had seen the unmistakable thorns of a Foolsbed Bush. Someone had given her brother too much of the drug called Foolsbed Dew, that is what killed him. Her goal in life is to find her brother's killer. She travels the Bolder and Thaelon forests guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.
               Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she had a tattoo of a falcon placed on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter.
              Maue first met her friend Cal, the Corbie, when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many weeks and offered him food. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history and other stories to distract him while she tried to ease his pain.(Would it really understand and/or be distracted?) The two have been companions since. Cal fallows Maue closely and shares her food although he avoids getting too close to those whom she guides. He refuses to be held but doesn't mind when Maue stokes his head.
              While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. (I don’t understand?) Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue saw him untie the gelding. From the direction that the man was taking the angry horse Maue could tell that he would not survive the day. When the horse's owner went into the leather worker's store she walked over and untied the horse. (I agree with Luca, being extremely good with animals doesn’t stop them ‘misbehaving’) The store had no windows and the streets were to full for anyone to pay attention to one more horse. After two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz.

Weapons: Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. (this is repeating) Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it. (why?)

Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon(,) made out(delete) of bone(,) on it. Witz's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon. Maue bought this about a year after she finished training Witz.
Familiars:
Maue travels with two animals(.  T)he first is the Corbie Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz(,) although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is somewhat friendly(,) but still standoffish(‘standoffish’, is this a word). He is all black, as is all of his kind, and is large for a bird. His feathers are more organized then those of most Corbies because Cal lets Maue preen him some.(This needs re-wording, it doesn’t make sense.) Cal was about 2 when Maue found him. He is about 6 years old now. He hunts for himself and refuses to be held. Once he had healed from his original wounds Maue tried to continue to fed him, but unless she left the food at least 3 palmspans away Cal would not touch it. When Maue is camping Cal is often resting on a nearby tree branch. Although when she goes into villages or cities he will fallow(follow). Cal prefers to stay outside and sleep rather than join Maue, when she sleeps in an inn, or with Witz in a stable.
Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is slightly over five fores. Witz is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue and he can be possessive at times. Witz will move so that he is positioned between Maue and whoever she is guiding. This has led her to tether him on the side of her that is farthest from her costumer. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. She now has to tell all hostlers to avoid him and that she will tend to him. Witz has tried to bite many stable hands and this has resulted in Maue being forced from inns. He has so far been safe while passing through cities. Maue thinks that this is because there is simply too many people for him to decide who to bite. At Maue's best guess Witz was about 6 when she stole him and is now roughly 10. She thinks that he is mostly Sarvonian Heavy Horse. What else Witz could be in Wit's family tree she isn't sure.

Anyway, it looks good.  Approval shouldn’t be to far away.

Mannix

[Maue]

O.K. I am working on fixing things with the help of my most recent comments. I would still appreciate comments I just changed my symbol so that people know I am not done changing it with concern to my most recent comments.
Thanks
Maue

[Maue]

More changes will probably be made shortly. The item that I am having the most difficulty with is Maue's brother. His memory torments her but he won't play a big part. However, I have received comments on his magic so if I could have some advice it would be appreciated.
Maue

[Angela]

I spot something. In the last part of the first paragraph of her history, I think you spelled passion as pation.

[Maue]

Thank you!

[Angela]

And also, what about the magic of her brother do you need help in? I might be able to help.

[Maue]

Luca made some comments about Tyrone's schooling and also what type of magic he was stydying. Personally I have no idea. I also am not fully sure of what he would be strong enough to do."What kind of magic? Who taught him? Why was he not sent to Ximax?" and "I'm not sure if a home-trained elf would be able to create a shock (which is wind magic, I believe) so easily," were Luca's comments yesterday. I am doing research but am having trouble answering her questions.
Thanks for any help
Maue

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