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Author Topic: Cár'ámn Glasajcín/Tethinrhim/Ranger  (Read 16386 times)
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2008, 08:22:19 PM »

wow thanks Ruil

I will try and catch as many mistakes as you mentioned as I can.

The bow will be changed and I think there are other things that need to be change as well.  Sorry about overstepping the bow.  I don't know how to use one and so I just used the chart  fish

I agree it is a long CD so I may need to trim some of the narratives. Looking through to CD today it seems to be missing some information about how he gets to be liked by the sand people and the like so I will address that too.

Thanks for the clarification of the scourge.  I will remove that and change the one instance where he uses it in the history section.


Please feel free to make any other suggestions
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2008, 04:29:15 AM »

Ok I have made the changes requested.  :)

As you can see by the quantity of red I butchered it considerably.  It is also a bit shorter. :P

Hopefully you will find my revisions acceptable.

Thanks so much for all your help.
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2008, 04:37:52 AM »

Very nice, Glásáj.  :D Your level of detail is impressive and you have clearly done your research into the Tethinrhim tribe and the Kaierian Warriors in particular. Even the small details such as the names and using "leaf falls" instead of years really shows you have an interest in getting even the smallest details right. It adds dimension and gives your writing a true Santharian feel.

Your history was a long read, but worth it. You've covered most all details there and tell quite an interesting story. I think you would be an asset in any story you RP in and I'd enjoy reading your posts immensely.

You have several Strengths and Weaknesses listed, more than most CDs, but they may be a bit off balance...you have several considerable Strengths, and while they are listed as legitimate in the Kaierian Warrior entry, they may be too much for RP purposes. I'd have to consult with another mod on that one.

I would perform a spell check on this CD. There are several misspellings I caught (I don't generally correct grammar issues as I like to comment on ideas and content instead) so be sure to correct those.

Overall, a pleasant CD. Well done. I'll see about poking some more mods to comment.  ;)
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2008, 03:59:30 AM »

Thanks Azhira

I will wait to make changes until I hear again. It is great to know people are interested in my CD.
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2008, 03:47:25 AM »

I have a compromise to offer seeing I have created a giant log jam among some of the greatest minds in all of Santharia with my CD.

Here is my proposal:

  • I am willing to eliminate all of the knowledge of nature Strength (That is the Knowledge of plants, trees and animals) although he would now only become a warrior.
  • I can also do away with my abilities to create bow and arrows.
  • And even the dubious ability to since the “Veil of the Kiïvosh” (although I think this would make him much more interesting).  It could also be seen as a weakness because seeing it would not be pleasant.





So…  I would still keep

  • Archery
  • Dagger (I raised his age so two weapons should be acceptable.)
  • Iteh training and Self Defense could be grooped together as the same thing.
  • Tracking



This would give me 4 strengths.

I could group the weaknesses dealing with the two Goddesses  (although they are two separate problems.)

And eliminate the Strong sense of justice one.

This should help.

It might be useful fore others (and myself) to think that the Kaierian Warriors are able to train in a variety of areas but must ultimately choose which ones to develop in a skill.  I found this in the tribal entry:

Quote
“In general once a normal tribe member reaches adolescence they focus on fewer of these skills, finally becoming specialists.”

I think this should solve our delima.

Thanks again for all our help and please let me know what your decision is.

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Mannix
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« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2008, 05:43:11 PM »

Just a quick word on the Kiivosh, the entry says that elves and a select few can  sometimes sense the veil.  I'm not sure if this means that all elves can sense it, or just as few can, but why say elves and a select few if it was the latter.  Maybe this means is isn't something special to Glásáj, but a skill all elves have.  Might it not also be a weakness.  Also the important word is sometimes.  Oh, and also the Kiivosh is mythical, the entry is just speculation. And a final word, it is sensed not seen.

Mannix
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Gervase Bertrand
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« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2008, 08:54:03 PM »

Thanks Mannix

I agree with you that not all elves can sense the veil of Kiivosh, this is why I listed it a a strength.  You will also see that he would only sense it with certain individuals he was close to. To me that would mean only occasionally at best.  As for it being a possible disadvantage. . . well I am not sure I would like to know someone was close to death, rather unnerving.  Also it may be argued he does not sense it at all, only imagines he does (thus a weakness like his seeing of his dead fiancé)

It would then, IMHO, be something perhaps interesting about the CD but not useful to him.


Oh and yes, thank you for pointing out my error in saying he can "see" it rather than "sense" it.  Sorry!

I greatly appreciate you thoughts good sir.

Oh, if you did not know, Glásáj Cár'ámn is my CD  ;)
« Last Edit: May 15, 2008, 08:55:58 PM by Gervase Bertrand » Logged

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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2008, 09:16:54 PM »

Because the Kaierian are so geared towards battle, tracking and a host of weapons and physical skills, you will find it hard to really balance such a character.

I think the easiest thing to do here with the S&W is to consider being a lower level of Kaierian warrior as opposed to a "graduate" of the program. For all intents and purposes, a fully veteran Kaierian War Warrior would find no equal among most, if not all, other tribes in all of Caelereth. The Kaierian would be considered the "Navy Seals" of the Santharian tribes. We're talking some serious fighting skills here.

My suggestion is to have your character be more of a Third Warrior or a Traveling Warrior. At these stages, you'd begin some training with various skills and weapons, but you would not be an expert by any means...but you'd know more than enough to defend yourself and to track animals or to to survive in the wilderness. You are just beginning to discover your talent, and if compared to an average peasant, you are more than skilled enough.

I'd suggest molding the entry to fit your style of play. Concerning plants and herbs, you can perhaps specialize in healing herbs. Concerning weapons, you already receive basic training in sword, bow, dagger and crossbow at Third Warrior level, so choose a specialty in one or two as you continue.

You are taught some skills in Iteh, but at your stage, you would be considered a "green or yellow belt" instead of a "black belt" if you get my meaning. You know enough, but not everything.

This allows you to keep the considerable Kaierian strengths but tones them down quite a bit for balancing purposes. And, keep all of the weaknesses. When in doubt, have more weaknesses than strengths, in general.  ;)
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Benedict Bennett
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« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2008, 09:40:23 PM »

Great!!!! clap

Thank you, thank you Azhira  Thanks!

I think I can manage that and cut down a lot on my lengthy history.

I will agree whole heartedly to this plan.

So... for now I am taking down the Exclamation mark until he is good and ready to be looked at again.

First Traveling Warrior it is.
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #24 on: May 15, 2008, 11:09:24 PM »

Hello Glásáj, I will have a look over your CD, but I don't know much about the Tethrinrhim nor the Kaierian warriors , this part somebody else has to check. 


Name: Glásáj Cár'ámn (sorrowful Soul)
   Nickname: Quagga
  I'm to 90% sure that your name doesn't look like it should, please ask an language expert (Mina?) or ask at the dev-board. It should be constricted differently: Soul being sorrowful, so you would need the adjective. An apostrophe is missing in any case (first rule!)

 


Gender: Male

Age: 271 leaf falls (years)

Race: Elf

Tribe: Tethinrhim

Occupation: Ranger/Scout/Bower/Fletcher

Title: Helvíl'glásáj (Wanderer of Sorrows)

Overview:
Glásáj Cár'ámn is a male Tethinrhim who  is a member of the Kaierian Warriors.  He is considered cursed by some members of his tribe and avoided my most.  He has chosen not to return to his tribe from his second walk because he fears retaliation and harm to those who sympathize with him.  He has also chosen to strive not to form close relationships with others because he believes he is the cause of the suffering he has experienced and will only bring sorrow and calamity to others.  He fled southward with the aid of a wealthy Quaelhoirhimin merchant.  A Shendar knicknamed the Desert Sun   helped the Tethinrhim learn to   survive in the Ráhaz-Dáth desert and find acceptance among the sand people.  These wandering people have befriended him and assisted him in hiding from those who wish him harm.  They have also been helpful as he tries to gain information about the whereabouts of Báian'efér'scál and his gang.  In some respects, he has adapted to the nomadic form of life but he hopes someday to return to his beloved homeland.
  Comments to the Shendar and your relationship below

Appearance:
Height: 2 ped, 1 nailsbredth
Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 5 Mut.
Hair Color: Korwyn (golden) aeruillin (red) of the dying sun
Eye Color: light adlemirene (brown) near the pupil and mi’rhén (emerald) green towards the outer part of the iris

Physical Appearance:
Glásáj Cár'ámn has long wavy hair that is typical of his heritage.  It flows gracefully over his sculpted shoulders in golden red cascades for about two palm spans.  His eyes are striking as they gladiate between adlemirene and mi’rhén.  From them you can tell his deep sorrows and pain and feel as if he can sense  yours.  He has a   paler than usual skin tone for his tribe almost as that of a dark elf. Cár'ámn has well defined sculpted muscles that seem to flow effortlessly as he moves his slender figure. muscles that flow? 

On Glásáj Cár'ámn’s left upper arm is the tattoo that is the birthright of those born to the Thethinrhims. It resides on his left arm occupying the usual location of such a marking.  The image of   an eagle-like creature with the head bent down in the body over the shield that denotes his tribe. It is inked primarily in nor’sidian with an aeruillin red eye and beak.  Its broad wings seem to encircle the shield as if to embrace it.  The aeruillin band that marks a warrior encircles his arm at the level of the shield.  Below this is the image of a winged horse raised up on its hind legs. The mouth  is open and its teeth are bared as if ready for battle.   The body and head of this creature is an aeruillin hue outlined in nor’sidian where the wings are inked almost entirely in nor’sidian.

Clothing:   See below


Cape: Created more as a traditional hooded cloak, this Ráhaz'Estár skinned garment is watertight and durable.
   See below

Breeches: These are made from a dark blue cotton and come down to the ankles.

Tunic: This blue cotton garment has long sleeves that flair out slightly from the forearms and then tightens at the wrist where they are closed by an adlemirene colored wooden button shaped like the urban leaf. It hangs down just past the pelvis and is worn under the breeches.  Typically, they are tucked into his breeches.

Tunic armor: This armor made from the Ráhaz'Estár, was created by the Shendar who befriended him, is made of layers of the carefully prepared skin of the giant snake.  The tunic is slit along the sides and hangs down in the front to cover most of his thighs and is fastened abut his waist by a belt made from the same material The shoulders have sown in bone from the snake for reinforcement and the chest has multiple payers of the fabric like Hyde. The sleeves are reinforced with multiple layers of the skin around the forearms.  Overlaying the leather is a steel mail tunic that covers both the torso to the length of the leather tunic and upper arms.

Leggings: Made from the Hyde of the Ráhaz'Estár, this leg armor covers his lower legs and the majority of his upper legs and is designed with multiple layers to protect as graves.

Leather gloves: Although not worn often, Glásáj Cár'ámn does posses the traditional leather gloves made from the same Ráhaz'Estár he killed to create his other armor.

Boots: These soft boots are made from giant stake leather but fashioned more as the traditional.  They are lined with soft fine leather.

Belt: The belt is of Shendar design but adorned with only a few silver ornaments.  From this belt for the dagger, his scourge, a water bottle, and a series of varying sized purses.

Boots: These soft boots are made from giant stake leather but fashioned more as the traditional.  They are lined with soft fine leather.

Belt: The belt is of Shendar design but adorned with only a few silver ornaments.  From this belt hang the scabbard for the dagger he was given in Elving, his scourge, a water bottle, and a series of varying sized purses.

  You wear some more shoes and belts than necessary ;)



Personality:
If you were to meet Glásáj Cár'ámn you would find a shy, timid elf that would rather have his own company than to face possible rejection from others.  The warrior is a man of few words and will not start a conversation unless he feels forced to do so. If he did not feel the occasional pull to seek other sentient mortals, he might never emerge from the forest canopy.  He fears that if he becomes too close to someone they may suffer for it.  This intrepid feeling of doom is what causes him to be so reclusive.  If you manage to earn the warrior’s trust, he will be as loyal as you could find and even be willing to put his life on the line for you. Cár'ámn would not hesitate    to offer his aid if it was needed and his fears do not overpower him.    Well, I would expect that from a kaierian warrior!As with most Kaierian Warriors, he will join an honorable cause once he is convince that his services might prove beneficial.  Emotions are thing he finds hard to express.  Because of his upbringing, it is considered a sigh of weakness to show emotion in public and that by doing so you endanger others.

How can a kaierian warrior be shy and timid? I think that is a bit contradicting. Even if he was like this in his childhood, he should have grown out by now, otherwise he would have not mastered his tasks to become a warrior



Strengths & Weaknesses
Strengths:

    * Knowledge of nature: Cár'ámn has training in the identifying and usefulness of plants, trees and shrubs and animals.  His training started with those growing locally to his tribe giving him the greatest of his limited knowledge to these varieties.  The warrior has a limited knowledge of vegetation that grow in other locations. This includes ability to identify animal tracks.
   I don't know, if this is really a strength, if his knowledge doesn't go beyond that of others. Most people in these times, especially those living in the forest, knew to distinct the plants and name them, though not all medical uses


    * Bowyer: This is the ability to make bows.  At the current time, he is able to craft long and short bows only (no composite, compound or recurve).  These are made out of wood and are considered well made.  He is also able to create the bowstrings.

    * Fletcher: Making your own arrows is a handy skill to have.  He is able to ensure the proper proportions, dimensions and other characteristics to produce both superior flight and damage. 

    * Iteh training (gymnastics, acrobatics): Part of his training includes the ability to dodge and strike an opponent. These maneuvers are considered gymnastic and acrobatic in nature but do not fit him for a life of an entertainer.

    * Trained in the recurve bow: This is his preferred weapon.  He excels in both accuracy and distance.

    * Training in the Dagger:  This skill was begun with his early training as a warrior but developed more as he become associated with the Shendar.

    * Self-defense (hand-to-hand combat): Also part of his Kaierian Warrior training is the ability to defend himself.  Taught a very young age his abilities are excellent in the area.  He can dodge blows and parry them with either a part of his body or another object.

    * Tracking: Cár'ámn has the ability to track both animals and sentient beings. He has found this useful on occasion not just to assist as a guard but in being able to identify if someone other than his friends are looking for him.

    * Ability to sense the “Veil of the Kiïvosh”:  From his childhood, the elf has been able on occasion to identify when someone is dying.  This manifests itself in a strange, uncomfortable sensation that he cannot shake.  He must be emotionally close to the person for the feeling to be strong but even an acquaintance that is in the process of passing on may trigger a response.


Weaknesses:

    * Apparitions and night frights: He sees things that are not there because of a head wound delivered by an angry parent.  The accumulations of traumatic things that have occurred in his life also contribute to his condition.  Usually they are the forms of Avathcin Querín (Beautiful Leaf), his diseased love, looking at him as if she was still alive.  Sometimes when in a stressful situation he will see the disembodied face of a elven male, the angry face of the father who caused the head wound. At other times he may see his father if he is trying to make an important decision.  These nightmares are so severe that he will often believe they were real.  They may be reenactments of events in his life or what seems to be an event yet to happen.  He may sweat profusely and cry out in agony or pain while in the grip of the dream and always remember it when he awakens.

    * Poor Interpersonal Relationship skills:He is painfully shy of others: Because he has not been well received by members in his tribe he feels others will not wish to know him either.  The elf chooses not to associate with others because he fears they may be harmed by his presence.  He believes that if he allows himself to become close to someone they will perish.  Self hatred: Because of the poor opinions held by other about him and his willingness to believe them he finds it difficult to show confidence in his own abilities.  He will belittle anything he has done or claim to have poor skill even in areas where he excels.

  How has he survived his training where interaction with others is needed every day for his training?

    * Many in his clan fear him: Many of those within his tribe feel that his presence brings with it calamity.  Even as a child deaths have happened in his presence even though he is not responsible for them.  The fact that his mother died in childbirth also adds to this superstition.  The claims of Báian'efér'scál, his family and allies that he is a demon only strengthen their beliefs.

I can't find anything in the entry which would tell me that this tribe is so superstitious.   

    * Strong sense of justice: He will often act irrationally when faced with the knowledge of a wrongdoing.  He may act irrationally to try and rectify what he perceives as unjust even if to do so would place himself or others in danger.

    * Identifiable Features: His face is scarred thanks to an encounter with a wild cat.  Cár'ámn also has uniquely colored eyes that cannot be hid even by the turban he wears.  In adition The fact that he uses a bow is somewhat unique for someone with the appearance of a Shendar.  These unique characteristics make him easily identifiable to those siding with Báian'efér'scál, the murderer of his beloved.
See below 

    * He blames the goddess Queprur for the deaths of his mother, father and Avathcin Querín, the love of his life  Because of this he exhibits a  great dislike for followers of the goddess.  This will often cause him to either leave a place where they are present or remain uncomfortable and irritable until they are not around.
Oh no, you won't encounter so many that this is a weakness. apart from that - nobody likes to see a priestess of Queprur 

    * The elf believes that the goddess Seyella has cursed him to a life of sorrow.  He feels that she has chosen to take out her frustrations from loosing much of her importance and abilities after the burning of The Tree of Life.  Because of this, he believes that if something is left to chance it will go badly for him and those associative with him.  He feels that if he allows himself to form friendships or attachments the person will be harmed in some manor by it.

    * Báian'efér'scál, his family and allies: Glásáj Cár'ámn is under constant threat by the murderer of his beloved Avathcin Querín.  Both he and those that side with him wishes the death of Cár'ámn and are secretly searching to find him and plan his demise.  They will and have spread false rumors that he is a Mhorashty demon and have tried to discredit him as a being the true cause of Avathcin Queríns death. These rumors have resulted in the loss of paying positions and the distrust of others once they become aware of whom he is. Cár'ámn has also been forced from the ancestral home of his tribe for fear of his life.


History:
Glásáj Cár'ámn arrived into the cold world in the fourth hour of Guardorans (twentieth hour) of the first of Córt'ometrá.  Birthing the child was more than the young elfess Avathcin'merín could bear and fell into the scales of Seyella.  The Avár'Soórn had already been called to perform the naming ceremony but now found himself obliged to first perform the rights of passage from life to death.  He stood bent over slightly with age on his stick to the side of the small tree home that Avathcin'merín and his father, Rhéneú'pherán had shared since their hasty marriage less than a leaf fall before.  As he glanced about the dimly lit room his attention was drawn the sound of a female child bursting through the front door hurriedly. She sprinted quickly to his side and began to speak in as hasty a manor as was her entrance.

“The father, I mean Rhéneú'pherán,” the girl corrected herself nervously brushing a few misplaced strands of her sunset red hair from face, “will be here soon.  He must first find a replacement for his post guarding the Ria.”

The old elf nodded his acknowledgement of the message and glanced over at the midwife who was just finishing bathing the newborn.

“Very well my child,” the spiritual guide said leaning against his worn walking stick, “but would you close the door as the cold is not good for the infant.”

The young elfess looked with the wide eyes of embarrassment and shock at the spiritual guide and then glanced towards the still open doorway. She began cross the wooden floor to correct her mistake when form of a large black bird appeared near the top of the doorframe. It swooped through the opening and into the house landing on the still form of the diseased mother. In shock, the child and the midwife rushed towards the bird to remove it before it assaulted the corps but stopped as they heard the voice of the Avár'Soórn.

“Do not disturb the raven,” the aging elf blurted, “let the raven reveal its secrets in peace.”

As the trio observed the raven plucked at the amulet of Jeyriall with its beak creating a cracking sound that a brought a gasp to the lips of the young elfess. It then broke the chain that held the symbol about the neck of the dead woman and flew to the side of the table where the newborn elf lay. The raven dropped the amulet on the belly of the child and began plucking feathers from its wings and holding them in its beak. Then as the baby began to cry it leaped into the air dropping the feathers it was holding onto the child.  Three landed squarely on top of the child and others about him as the raven disappeared through the still open doorway.  Horridly the young elfess rushed to close the door and turned back around to peer into the room at what remained.  She could see the Avár'Soórn that now stood next to the child. Carefully he examined the amulet as he held it up into the flickering light of candle that lit room.  The thin metal amulet showed a large crack in the bowl of the symbol. He took in a deep sight and placed the object at the child’s feet then carefully counted the feathers that still rested on the infants form.

“Sorrow, sorrow and death,” was the words that left the wise elf’s mouth, “the poor child will live a life filled with sorrow and death.”

At the naming ceremony, the child lay still and quiet even as the artist pricked his soft, smooth skin leaving the marks as instructed in low tones by the Avár'Soórn.  When the image was complete the elf looked up at the spiritual guide with a perplexed look but asked no questions than simply stood, gathered his vials of ink and needles then left quietly through the front door.  The father waited impatiently for the words to come from the spiritual guide he shifted on his feet as if eager to hear anything to bring joy to his heart to soothe the pain of the loss of his beloved, but it was not to be.

“His name Rhéneú'pherán,” the spiritual guide said in voice that reflected how painful his words were to him, “will be Glásáj Cár'ámn because sorrow and death will follow him like a shadow all the days Avá has appointed him.  Sorrow will surround him like a swarm of Groshmite after their hapless victim and death will haunt his travels like the morning mist. ”

The image that had been marked into the infant’s skin was that of a griffin.  The shield of his tribe with the eye of Avá was at the center and served as the body of the beast while the left wing was lifted above the creatures head.  The head was inked in red with a black eye and outline while the wings were all of black ink.

  You have taken quite a few liberties here in describing your birth but as they will do no harm it is ok. 

Glásáj Cár'ámn had scarcely seen 9 leaf falls when the loss of a childhood friend brought about the rumors that would begin to plague his life. He was staying in the home of a family that had taken compassion on the child.  They put him to sleep next to their 11 year old son on a night when a storm shook the homes of the elves living in the trees. Peals of thunder would awake the sleeping pair and streaks of lightening would illuminate the room where they lay on the cold wooden floor.  As they both stared out the window and marveled at the noise and light a bolt of lightning leaped through the window and struck the lad next to the warrior’s son. Who is who?  Leaping to his feet, he watched and the boy convulsed within the white energy and then lay lifeless on the wooden floor. He stood motionless and silent; his eyes wide open as he stared down at what was his friend. Rain had begun to enter the room through the now open window and soaked Cár'ámn to his skin before the mother of his friend entered the room.  There were no words of comfort for the frightened child, no touch of understanding offered, only looks of distain for surviving the ordeal.  Many that had been willing to take Cár'ámn in now refused to fearing that his presence would bring only death and sorrow.

Seeing his father could find no one willing to care for Cár'ámn he convinced the leaders to allow his son to begin training as a Cáo-króin (child warrior) to ensure that there would be someone responsible for him during the times he was working. Shortly after his son began training Rhéneú'pherán left on his S_s'pharanhé-króin (Second Traveling Warrior) excursion leaving his young son in the hands of Eayá'pherán, a close trusted friend.  He would spend time with the lad and encourage him to do his best.  Eayá'pherán took his young charge with him on many excursions into the woods they lived in and showed him the many plants and animals.  One day when returning to their home in the treetops the young elf stopped in front of his paternal grandmother dwelling.  He stared at the house for a few moments then looked up at Eayá'pherán.

“What is it son,” The warrior asked crouching down to be at the same level as his young charge, “do you want to see your Grandmother.”

The young child shook his head no then said,  “Grandma   needs help,”

Eayá'pherán was puzzled by the young elf’s words.  “How do you know,” he asked.

The Cáo-króin shrugged his shoulders because he was not sure how he knew; only that he could since something was wrong.  “She need Avár'Soórn,” he said then looked back at the house.

As the warrior was trying to figure out what his charge was trying to say the spiritual guide rushed passed him with a neighbor and burst into the home of his grandmother.  The aging elfess passed on to Queprur.  The experienced warrior was perplexed as he wondered about the child in his care, could he actually sense  that his Grandmother was  dying?”  He decided that it must be a coincidence that the young Cáo-króin knew what was happening to the elfess, but the thought still haunted him.

As a gift for his next leaf fall Eayá'pherán gave Cár'ámn his first short bow. It was more of a toy than a weapon but with it the lad could learn the rudimentary basics of how the shoot and aim. Along with the bow, he was given a wooden dagger which Eayá'pherán spent time explaining simple facts about the parts and how the weapon could be used.  This gave the lad an early start in this area and gave Eayá'pherán a purpose to spend time with his young charge.
 
Cár'ámn excelled in every aspect of this early training and outperformed children of considerably higher ages.  The iteh training provided the child with a level of self-confidence he had not previously enjoyed giving him the incentive necessary to excel with the training in various plants, shrubs and animals.  He astounded his teachers with his ability to comprehend and retain knowledge and the speed at which he did so.  Cár'ámn was extremely eager to learn and to please those who taught him.  He tried his best to be the model student seeking their approval in every possible manor.  Often he would be taken out of the Ria and tutored privately by one of the trainers under the guise that the other students felt more comfortable when Cár'ámn was not around but in truth it was because of the ability and skill the young warrior showed.

Not long after his 11th leaf fall, Eayá'pherán was forced to tell Cár'ámn of his father’s death.  The boy swallowed hard as he looked at the unsheathed weapon that lay upon him.  The blade had been broken about three nailsbreadths from the tip leaving a rough, jagged edge that glistened in the sun that came through the window. Cár'ámn let his gaze raze to the hazel eyes of the seasoned warrior who cared for him, “no,” he said as his lower lip began to quiver, “not my daddy too.”

The taunting and harassment continued as new names and insults seemed to be hurled at the boy.  Children imitated their adult counterparts and sometimes the abuse took on a more physical nature.
  Why now? His father#s death had nothing to do with him, he was not even near him. Death at work is nothing uncommon.

One day on an errand for Eayá'pherán two brothers, Báian'efér'scál and Avásh'rain began calling him the usual names they had heard the adults use.  The young elven brothers were Rónn   ??? explain please with daí’miés colored hair and from a prominent family.   When they saw Cár'ámn was ignoring their taunting, they tried to push him off the split log bridge he was walking on to the forest floor below.  Out of the corner of his site, the young Cáo-króin Who?  saw Avásh'rain lung towards him with a look of evil contempt in his eyes.  The young warrior moved out of the way and Avásh'rain plummeted downwards rather then his intended victim. Báian'efér'scál ran down to the forest floor where his brother lay and began loudly accusing poor Cár'ámn of pushing his motionless brother to his death. Adults rallied around Cár'ámn grabbing the helpless elf and adding their accusations to those of Báian'efér'scál’s.
That is not really like I imagine noble elves behave themselves, especially ones trained as warriors with a sane mind you need to get this far. 
 When mí'yphór, the father, of the two boys arrived he was dressed for the important duties.  The crowd cleared away so he could get to Cár'ámn.   Fiercely, the noble elf began to shake his victim so that his head bobbed front and back.

The elf shouted at the young lad, “it should have been you Meph'guóur'cáo, it should have been you.”

He shook Cár'ámn until the back of his head hit against the large tree trunk. Blood poured from the back of the child’s now fractured skull and his vision began to change as if he were looking down a tunnel.  He could still hear  the accusing words of the father and saw only his angry face until he went limp in the man’s grasp.  The man dropped the child and kicked his motionless form swearing revenge for his beloved son's  death.  For four days, Cár'ámn lay unconscious in his home recovering from the assault. From this time on the young warrior occasionally would see the face of the angry father floating before him and hear it accusing him and taunting him.  The abortion  What?? can appear an almost any time but most often when he is angry or feeling melancholy.    This does not belong in history, if you want to keep it, you need to rephrase it: From this time on he ... He chose to keep this to himself fearing the further rejection he might face if someone were to discover his newfound delusion. How should they discover this? What about his mentor? 

When 18 leaf falls had passed he became an Asthár-króin (Third Warrior).  Cár'ámn took great interest in the religious training he received.  He memorized every deity and symbol that was presented to him.  It was at this time that he began to form his deep animosity towards the Goddesses Queprur and Seyella.  He showed particular interest in both Jeyriall and Nehtor as they opposed what he perceived as those responsible for his sorrows.  They young elf loved the many stories told by his teachers of other tribes and races Gods, beliefs and traditions.  He also took to the scourge at this level because he would rather disarm an enemy than to harm  them.  Cár’ámn also began to learn the dagger as a secondary hand weapon when he was too close to use his bow.
Why did he take interest in gods mostly the humans worship? Elves believe in Avá and are not really interested in the twelve gods   

It was at this time that Cár'ámn fell in love with Avathcin Querín, a beautiful  elfess with hair of varied adlemirene hues and eyes the color of Cár'reoll'nós stones. They would spend much time together, although she seemed to do most of the talking, and her parents were delighted that such a notable warrior showed an interest in their daughter.  They knew the rumor that abounded about the Cár'ámn but after talking to the spiritual guide believed that the warrior posed them no threat. Eayá'pherán was delighted that some happiness had come into his young charge’s life.
  How comes that? first the whole tribe seems to hate him, suddenly all is good? 

At 27 leaf falls, he advanced to Pharanhé-króin (Traveling Warrior).  Cár’ámn bid his beloved farewell promising to marry her upon his return.  He left towards Elving where he planned to see if other elves would accept him for who and what he was. Why should the elves in Elving know who he was? 

 He met up with a family of elves as they journeyed towards the same destination.  The young accepted their kind invitation to travel with them and join their already paid guards that accompanied them.  They were from the Quaelhoirhim tribe and were wealthy beyond anything that the young elf had imagined possible. The father was named Gálno'már and was a very wealthy merchant.  As they came within a few day’s journey of the city there was an ambush of the strangest kind. The young warrior stayed hidden most of the time within the canopy of the forest and was above the fray when agile Shingar cats leaped from their hiding places above the party in the trees.  Realizing the threat, Cár’ámn let fly the arrow that was already waiting in his bow. The missile struck one cat as he was still falling and it hit hard against the path and lay motionless.  He could hear the commotion from the guards as they tried to mount a counter attack against the creatures.  The warrior then leaped from tree to tree until he was in a position to shoot another volley at the nimble creatures ripping and tearing at the guards.  Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a cat that seemed intent on the youngest of the family, an elfess of only 14 leaf falls.  Raising his bow again he aimed but did not shoot as he realized if the arrow missed it would hit the girl. Leaping from his hiding place, he rolled to soften his fall and rolled in-between the creature and the child.  As the cat leaped, he aimed at the chest of the cat he let an arrow fly.  The missile stuck deep in to the assailant’s chest as intended but the momentum of the leap carried the cat even closer to the young warrior.  Cár’ámn tried to duck out of the way but was grazed by two of the animal’s sharp claws. The creature fell to the ground in a rolling manor breaking the arrow as it did. He turned to see if the girl was still unharmed.  Although she was scared, the elfess was not injured from the beast. The warrior nodded at her then returned to the fray.  At the end of the ordeal, eight cats lay dead on the Zeiphyrian Forests. Besides his scratched face, two of the guards had been bit seriously enough to require bandaging and a third lay dead from his wounds. When the party arrived at Elving the father wanted to show his appreciation to the young elf for sparing their daughter. Cár’ámn refused saying that he had done only what was required of him. Gálno'már swore that someday he would repay the young warrior for his service.  While at the city he purchased a pair of gold hair combs enameled with the leaves of the Urban tree.

I don't know, if Rayne would not want your head for this Shingar attack. I always thought, they very lonely hunters, but the entry doesn't say anything about that.  That they attack people is very rare as well. Maybe you could invent a cause for it? 

After the year, he returned to the wood that was his home. As he arrived within the his treetop city the people hid from him, running into their homes and avoiding eye contact with him.  This was quite different than when he had left.  A feeling of uneasiness began to creep into him as he walked the many split wood bridges that connected the homes he was so familiar with.  When he arrived at the home of his beloved, he found the family less than cordial. The father and mother took him aside into a small room away from those grieving in the main room.

“Avathcin Querín is passed to Queprur,” the father said as the internal flame failed to burn within him.

The mother broke into tears and pressed her face into the shoulder of her husband.

“You are no longer welcomed here son,” the father continued, “they blame you for her death..,” he paused then continued, “talk to Eayá'pherán, he will explain.”

The young warrior nodded quickly and departed not allowing the terrible grief that flooded his soul to show.  His father’s close friend who had cared for him explained that Báian'efér'scál had “forced” the young elfess and killed her so that she could never marry Cár’ámn.  The now renegade murdering warrior bragged about his deeds saying that he saved her soul from the clutches of the Mhorashty. Báian'efér'scál had managed to escape the clutches of both the constabulary and the warriors he had been a part of with a handful of allies.  Most of those who had supported his escape, including his father, had been caught but a few yet remained outside the bounds of the law.   As he found out the horrible truth about what happened he broke down. The elf barricaded himself in his small room for a week refusing to come out. Eayá'pherán would bring him food and water faithfully but Cár’ámn refused his offerings. Finally, the mother of his departed came to visit him at the Eayá'pherán request. She sat near the grieving warrior and placed a delicate hand on his cloth-covered knee. The elfess noticed he was clutching something close to his chest and enquired about it.

Frankly, that doesn't make sense. he is not welcomed by the tribe, because somebody else killed his fiance? But the family of the young woman does? You are painting a strange picture of that tribe.   

“What is that you are holding Cár’ámn,” she asked in as polite a manor as she could to break the tension.

The young warrior opened his hand and revealed the hair combs he had purchased to give to his beloved but did not raise his gaze.

“They are beautiful,” she said gently touching the leaves that adorned the golden combs, “were they for Avathcin Querín?”

The elf nodded his head but still did not look up, “now they are all I have to remind me of her,” he paused for a moment then continued, “except, except for the locket of hair she gave me.”

“She was wonderful my son and her loss must feel great to you but you must go on,” she said letting her delicate fingers brush away his unkempt hair.  She gasp as she saw the still red marks that adorned his left cheek but chose to say nothing.

“Do not take this so hard my son,” she said gently,  “do you think that Avathcin Querín would wish to see you so?”

The young elf raised his tear stained face to gaze into the eyes of the elfess, “I have failed her most grievously.”

“It is not your fault that this terrible thing has happened,” said the elfess, “it is the work of Coór and those who follow him.”

“No,” Cár’ámn responded hastily, “it is the work of Queprur.”
  See above, elves don't believe in Queprur and the few who do would never see her as the cause of death (like the mother). So why has he these thoughts?

The female looked puzzled for a moment then nodded with understanding, “Eayá'pherán has told you what the beast has called you and now you feel you are a Mhorashty, a demon under the Goddess of deaths control,” she patted his knee then withdrew her hand, “you my son are no demon.”

There was a long silence and the elf spoke again, “she comes to me madam, I have seen her at the foot of my bed nearly every night since my return.”

The elfess once again looked puzzled then let a gentle smile cross her face, “then you are blessed my son for I would give anything to have but one more glimpse of her beautiful face.”

After the meeting with her mother of his beloved, Cár’ámn arose, ate, and prepared himself.  He opened the door and walked with Eayá'pherán to the home of the Avár'Soórn so he could begin to tell the story of his adventure and receive the markings deserving of a Zoúm-króin (Home Warrior).

He entered into his training as a Krói-króin  (War Warrior) with great vigor and with the hope that he could become strong and skilled enough to bring revenge for the death of his beloved.  Each day he practiced with great effort learning the skills of his trade with great enthusiasm and determination.  At the age of 196 leaf falls Cár’ámn entered a contest held to find the greatest archer among those what had achieved his level of training.  There was a great and powerful bow to be awarded to the victor and the warrior wanted it.  On the day of the contest, he proved his skill and was awarded the weapon.  The aging warrior that had provided the bow as the prize had done so hoping to humiliate Cár’ámn because he was the grandfather of Báian'efér'scál.  When this did not happen and refused to give him the prize.  He also went about spreading terrible rumors that the winner had cheated and that he, not his grandson had actually committed the murder of Avathcin Querín.

The Avár'Soórn called for Cár’ámn to his home where he and Eayá'pherán awaited.  The aged elf ordered Cár’ámn that he was making him a S_s'Pharanhé-króin (Second Traveling Warrior) and to take the things that Eayá'pherán had brought and leave at once for plans were being made to kill him.  The spiritual guide told him that the father of Báian'efér'scál had offered a large reward to anyone who would kill him and bring him proof of it.  According to the spiritual guide, he was not an outcast for he had done nothing wrong but his leaving was for his own protection and not to return until after the deaths of those who were plotting his demise.

Is that the way a proud warrior tribe would act?   

Cár’ámn fled in the same direction he had gone on his first travels to Elving.  He had hoped to contact the constabulary do we have something like that?  and help them track down the lying murderer who had slain his betrothed. The faces of those he passed were filled with fright and panicky as he entered and so he quickened his pace deciding it best to seek out the family whose daughter he had saved and enquire as to what was going on within the city. As he approached the shopping district he spotted the father who motioned him to enter through a side door.

“It is good to see you again Glásáj Cár'ámn,” Gálno'már said, “but you must leave at once.”  The older continued as he lowered his voice, “an elf named Báian'efér'scál with a small group from your tribe went to the constabulary and told them you were the murder you committed, a young elfess I believe, and now they seek your life.”

Cár'ámn was stunned by the words of the older elf, how could they believe such lies about him he thought, but hid emotions as he had been trained as a child to do. The fire that shown from his eyes went out as he responded, “the elf has tried to blame me for his crime,” he said using all the restraint he could from his years of training.  “When I arrived home from my journey my beloved Avathcin Querín was already dead, but before she was murdered Báian'efér'scál forced himself upon her then tried to place the blame upon me.”  The elf looked about again before continuing, “I do not have time to explain the history and details,” Cár'ámn stated, “but I had come to Elving hoping to notify the constable of the true murderer and rally their support to hunt down the beast and eliminate him.”

“I thought as much,” said the older elf, “I thought you might also be foolhardy enough to come the Elving to seek your revenge.”  “Come with me Cár'ámn,” he said with a glint in his eye, “it is my turn to save a life my friend, yours.”  “Báian'efér'scál may have fooled the constable,” the elf went on, “but he won’t make a fool of me.”  “Now come my lad we will get you out of here,” he said as he grasped the shoulder of the warrior, “you must agree to do just as I say and quickly.”

The warrior nodded his consent, “I will do as you say.”

He then followed the older man through a series of rooms to where a shabbily dressed elf was busy picking up a sack and throwing it onto a wagon,  “There you are Vála'miés,“ Gálno'már said, “This is Glásáj Cár'ámn.”

“Glásáj Cár'ámn,” the elf with the sack blurted in surprise, “I see you were right sir, I owe you 12 sans.” The elf flashed a toothless smile and brushed a strand of his nearly white unkempt hair from his face.

Gálno'már nodded, a serious look on his face, “Do you remember our plan?”

Putting down the sack inside the wagon Vála'miés smiled, “I do.”

“Good,” the wealthy elf replied, “I trust everything is ready.”

“It is my lord,” the toothless elf replied.

The wealthy older elf nodded his approval, “then get our friend out of here.”  He turned toward the warrior and said with a stern face, “Cár'ámn, you must do exactly as you are told, no deviations, it is essential.”

The warrior nodded, “I will,” he paused for a moment then continued, “thank you good sir.”

Before long Cár'ámn was burried  deep within the contents of the wagon and scurrying across the street of Elving.  Dispite his best efforts the warrior found himself dozing off into sleep.  When he was awakened, he saw the face of Vála'miés as he uncovered him from his hiding place.

“Be still Glásáj Vála'miés, we are not yet out of danger,” said Vála'miés as he placed a heavy hand on the warrior’s shoulder.

“We are out of the city,” the warrior enquired in a whispered glancing cautiously about in the gathering darkness.

“We are,” Vála'miés responded handing Vála'miés a cup of heavy broth, “we have traveled just beyond the western edge of the Zeiphyrian forest.

“Then why must I stay here,” the warrior asked, “Why can I not begin my hunt for the villains now?”

“Because,” the toothless elf offered, “you enemies are still about looking for you.  They are scouring the forest and countryside as we speak.”

“Let me go then,” Cár'ámn ordered, I will face them as a warrior, not a coward.”

“Remember my friend you agreed to do as we said,” Vála'miés reminded him.

“Very well, “ the warrior acknowledged then took a deep sip of the broth, “how long must I cower like a fugitive.”

 Vála'miés smiled, “patients my friend,” he said taking the finished cup from the warrior, “I will give you instructions once we arrive at our destination.”

The warrior tried to sleep as the wagon jostled him about but it was of no avail until it stopped again.  There was no word from Vála'miés so he remained quiet and slept where he was berried beneath the many bags and barrels that filled the wooden vehicle. Cár'ámn awoke to the site of his traveling companion who placed his had over the warriors mouth.

“Here,” the lighter haired elf said passing the warrior a cup of heavy broth. “We must cross farther west still,” the toothless one added, “just another day.”

After what seemed to the warrior as many days Vála'miés spoke in a whispered voice to the still hidden warrior, “we have reached the coat ¿¿ on the edge of the Gulf of Maraya.”

Cár'ámn nodded, “why have we come here,” he asked.

“Tonight at Darkreign,” Vála'miés said still speaking in a low voice, “we will board the ship Fairweather,”

“A ship,” the warrior said in a whisper, “But I do not know anything about boats and I need to stay here so I can find Báian'efér'scál.”

“That will have to wait my warrior friend,” the toothless elf said, “there are many things you must learn first.”

As the time for departure approached Vála'miés let Cár'ámn leave his hiding place within the wagon and motioned towards an awaiting ducraer. I doubt this boat is used here, it is one of the east coast, boat would suffice  The boat was manned with two sturdy looking humans that stood beside the small craft just off the rocky coast. He could hear and see the sea birds call and the sound of the waters as they lapped at the shoreline.

“Quickly,” the blond haired elf said, “we must get to the craft.  He grabbed a large bundle and headed towards the waiting boat.

The warrior followed close behind being sure he had not left anything of his behind.  As the?? got to the ducraer the human men helped both elves on board, climbed in themselves and pushed off into the gulf.  Spray from the water lapped at the warrior and excitement filled his veins as he realized he was no longer on solid ground.  The craft continued under the silent rowing of the two men further out into the open water.

“Is this Fairweather,” Cár'ámn asked his elven friend?

“No,” Vála'miés replied, “that is.”  The elf pointed out into the deeper waters and darkness beyond.  Just faintly amid the gathering fog, he could make out the masts of a massive vessel.  As they arrived at the larger craft crewmembers helped them up using ropes until the two elves were safely on deck.  The blond elf pointed in the direction of stairs that led down into the belly of the ship and the warrior followed silently.  When they had entered, a hallway below the pair went through an open door to a small room where Vála'miés shut the door behind him.

“Quickly,” the blond haired elf ordered this time without whispering, “you must change into these.”  The elf handed the warrior a blue tunic and britches that were just a few shades darker.

“Why,” Cár'ámn asked as he began removing his garments.

Vála'miés continued to empty the bag and removed several more items many of which the warrior had never seen before.  “You will wear this until you are told otherwise,” he added pouring the remaining contents on the wooden floor.

Cár'ámn put on the tunic, breeches, leather belt and boots.  He began examining the other items adding and became puzzled.  “Why do I need another dagger,” he said as he picked up the scampered blade.  The handle was wrapped in blue leather and the steel end of it was shaped like a closed fist.

“Because you will give me everything you have,” Vála'miés answered, you dagger, bow, and coin purse, everything.”

“But there is no bow here to replace the one you are taking,” the warrior protested.

“True,” Vála'miés responded, “and you will not get another one until you are told you may have one.”

The warrior swallowed hard, “what will I defend myself with if you take my bow,” he questioned handing the weapon over to Vála'miés.

“You will use your wits,” came the quick response. “The boat will drop you off at the town of Dasai  , the toothless elf stated.  How can he talk without teeth?   “Be sure to visit the fortress museum,” he said, “I am sure you will find it interesting.”  “Here take these,” the blond haired elf stated, “it is money and should last you.”  He then took a pouch from his belt and opened it up revealing a silver disk about the size of his palm.  “You will give this a man they call x Desert Sun,” the elf continued, “he is of the Shendar tribe and wears their traditional warrior garb.”

A long story you have here . I would not expect a kaierian warrior to hide in a wagon, but it is your character and so it is ok. But it seems to me, that your toothless elf doesn't esteem him much ;)


I have to stop here, no time left, but will come back later to look at the Shendar stuff - what I came for.   
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2008, 04:37:14 AM »

Hi Talia

Thanks so much for doing such a great job of critiquing my CD.

Unfortunately I have had to do nearly a complete rewrite of it.  Azhira was so good as to inform me what needed to be done to get my CD approved and I have done it.

I understand many of your questions but I think that most of them have been answered in the rewrite.

Oh and thanks for the advice on the name.  I will as wonderful Mina if she will help me.

Thanks again for all your hard work!  :)
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2008, 09:30:26 AM »

Hi Talia

I have taken a better look at what I have written and decided that You have some excellent points that I have failed to address.  I will be addressing those as soon as I can.  Please note I have removed the post.

Thanks
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Sir Ruil Mallister
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« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2008, 10:48:24 AM »

I don't know if this would help you much, but I once created a Kaierian Warrior character... two years ago now?  It was a while ago.  Sadly, the CD was destroyed in the great ezboard hack, so the Talahir Elenaerion CD in the archives is a whole new character with the same name.  But I digress.  What I did with the old Talahir was make him on his journey throughout the world that all Kaierian Warriors must partake upon.  I don't quite remember the exact details of why or if he would ever return in the future, but that was a neat way to get him out into the world and interacting with people, and it would be fairly early in his training, which made him much easier to balance.

So you might think about doing something similar to that, if you're having difficulty balancing your char.
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2008, 05:53:49 PM »

Ok, here we are again, next time I will only do what I'm asked to, hope my time  yesterday (more than an hour for sure) spent on your CD was not entirely in vain.
   You still have  grammar errors in it, things the spellchecker doesn#t catch.

Back to the  shingars. I fear you have to rewrite this part. Even if the shingar hunt in groups like lions do (which I doubt for cats living in the forest and on trees), they would not attack a whole group without purpose. People are not a common prey AND only one animal is hunted down at one time (like lions would do it).  You can save the girl's life in a more reasonable way as well :)



Cár’ámn sighed and nodded his concent. Gálno'már gave him a shiny silver disk with a single triangle etched into the surface and a circle just inside of it.

Why should a wealthy merchant from the Quaelorhim have such a disk? The Shendar do not trade with them nor are such disks known as sign of any kind.   

“When you get there you must go and tour the fortress,” the merchant said, “remember to take the whole tour of the fortress.  You must find the man they call The Desert Sun and give him this disk."

After many months of travel under the darkened sky he finally made it to Dasai.  When he arrived, he went strait for the old fort that occupied such a prominent position in the city.  He entered the old garrison and instantly felt as if he was being followed.  Trying to loose the people he thought were after him he ducked into a corridor to allow them to pass.  Three men turned as well looking intent on doing harm to the warrior.

“Sir,” the warrior said, “I have not come here for trouble.”
 
“Oh,” the man said stroking his heavy dark beard, “but I did.”  He pulled a dagger from its sheath and took a step towards Cár'ámn.

“Easy,” the elf said, “I am in no mood for a fight.”

“Well I am,” the man blurted holding the blade menacingly in from of the warriors face.

Quickly Cár'ámn took his chance and grabbed the wrist of the man who was holding the dagger.  He pulled quickly the arm across in front of him then raised his knee so it impacted against the backside of the man’s elbow with force. The man let out a whelp of pain and dropped his weapon onto the floor.  Moving his free arm above, the injured man’s head then let his closed fist smack hard against the side of his opponent’s skull.  Again, the man cried out in pain and buckled down to his knees. The elbow of the human was bent severely in the opposite direction it would normally bend and he raised his other hand to touch the side of his head so recently assaulted. He put his foot on the dagger that rested on the floor and gave it a quick slide behind him.  Seeing another man coming to accost him, he dodged his blow and stood waiting the man’s next move.  Within the next few moments of time Cár'ámn felt something small and hard strike the back of his head and then his world went black.  He tumbled to the floor unconscious.

The Captured Warrior
When Cár'ámn awoke, his hands were tied together behind him.  He was sitting in a well-worn wooden chair that his legs and waist were also tied to.  Before him was battered wooden table with a single lit candle providing a dim light to the surroundings.  The sleeve of his tattooed arm had been ripped away to reveal the marking as if someone had purposely done so in order to see them.

The warriors mind was still a bit foggy as he heard a male voice say, “better get Desert Sun, he’s coming around.”

As the elf’s eyes began to focus he could see the bearded face of the man he had just injured.  He set looking at Cár'ámn with a devious smile on his face.  On the humans head was a blue turban, something the warrior had failed to notice before, and his grey eyes seemed to glisten with evil delight.

”You my elf friend are quite a valuable person,” the human said as he held up a parchment bearing Cár'ámn’s image.”

The warrior did not respond, only fidgeted in his seat trying to free himself from his bonds.  The grey-eyed human laughed at the elf’s useless efforts before deciding to taunt him some more.

“Save your energy Glásáj Cár'ámn we will get our reward,” the human said, “you can be sure of that.”

Cár'ámn could hear a door open somewhere behind the seated human.  He tried to wait for the man’s attention to be diverted before he tried to loosen himself from his ropes but to no avail.

”There he is,” the bearded man said, “he’s all yours.”

The man stood and another slid into his seat.  Looking at the new persons face he could see that he did not have a beard and his face was much more placid than his companion.  He wore a dark blue turban interwoven with some sort of silvery material the elf could not identify. The flickering light glistened off the steel mail that covered what seemed to be a silvery material matching what was in the man’s head covering.

I  suppose you want to introduce Shendar men. But they don't wear the turban were it is not needed, not indoors e.g. 

“Are you,” the elf began, “the one they call the Desert Sun?”

“I am,” he replied allowing a gentle grin to cross his face.

“I was told to give you something,” Cár'ámn said.

“What is it,” the man said.

“A silver disk,” the elf responded, you will find it in one of the pouches that I had before you captured me.”

The man simply put out his gloved right hand and in a moment the item was given him, “where did you get this,” the man ordered but with an even tone that seemed to be hiding a deep curiosity.

  I would assume, that those who captured him have found the disc already.

“An elf named Gálno'már,” Cár'ámn replied.

“Gálno'már,” the man replied.  He stood to his feet and nodded his head towards the elf, “gentlemen, there will be no reward from the constable today, you my new friend are innocent.”

Well, it doesn't work this way, there are not such disks as recognition.  Nor would Shendar men hunt down somebody to gain the money set out on his head if they not turned to robbers/thieves anyway. But then they would not dare to go back to their homelands.   You don't need such a story, you can simply come and ask for shelter. Their hospitality will not ask what you have done, but   judge you by the way you are acting and behaving while you are there.

Assistance
Desert sun ordered new Shendar looking clothing brought to the elf and showed him how to wrap a blue turban about both his head and face so no one would know who he was.  He showed him how to use the giant snake hide belt to conceal the dagger and store his belongings.

  See above, that would make you suspicious! No rock snake belt, that is something very valuable you might give to your lover or close relative, but to nobody else!

Once the human warrior was satisfied that Cár'ámn’s disguise was complete he spoke to the elf, “Now Cár'ámn you will need a new name, a new Shendar name, I do not want to slip up and call you by anything that would give you away.”

The man thought for a moment the blurted out with a smile, “I will call you Quagga.”

That is not Shendar behaviour, he would not try to disguise this man from his own people! Nor is Quagga a Shendar name, sounds more like a frog! As long as he is with the Shendar he is safe with his own name. 

That evening Desert Sun and his small band snuck Cár'ámn out of the City.  They joined with a caravan headed towards the Narfost plane. The Shendar did not realize that the warrior was an elf. Living as they did nomadically and with his face covered they and simply accepted him as a rather tall male who had joined their group.
As I said above, that would not work. There is no need for headscarves in the Narfost Plains (no sand), nor are the Shendar so stupid not to recognize a stranger in their midst! 
 The reddish haired elf spoke little to anyone unless addressed and then with as few words as possible.  Desert Sun managed to find out that Cár’ámn only knew how to use a bow and had one purchased for him at Mehmetshto because the elf refused to enter the city.
Meh'met is only a small village with a few huts, so now bows available nor is there any reason why Desert sun should buy him a bow, a weapon unused by the Shendar
 The caravan journeyed southward into the Ráhaz-Dáth desert. The elf often refused to spend much time with the members of the tribe choosing to stay towards the outskirts and as alone as possible.  At night, the warrior would go by himself a ways away from the rest of his party and morn the loss of Avathcin Querín and his beloved homeland.

Frankly, if he behaves like that they would at latest send him away when reaching Bardavos. Either he talks to his hosts, tells them about himself, or they are not interested in dealing with him. Even if Desert Sun (why do you just use his nick name?)should have  a debt towards this rich elven merchant, it would be his debt and not that of any other clan member

For months, the Shendar taught the elf about the customs and ways of his people.  Together they went into the desert and the Tethinrhim would learn how to survive in the region, what to eat and how to track the animals that share the desert with the nomands.
  I would not say, they taught him, but he would have to learn them by watching. He could learn a lot about fauna and flora in the same way.

One evening as the were nearing Udeza Cár'ámn was by himself when Cár'ámn was wondering alone he saw what looked like marking in the sand and then a trunk-like form laying the ground.  He had heard about a giant snake that lived within the sands and quickly prepared himself.  Suddenly the creature began to move and so the elf sent a barrage of arrows towards the massive creature. The head rose high in the air as its fangs glistening under the many stars that glistened high above.  The elf continued to shoot arrows striking the best many time including one arrow that struck the creatures left eye.  It reeled in pain lunged its massive head towards the warrior. Without flinching the shot of another arrow and awaited his end. To the elf’s surprise, the creature slumped forward and fell on top of him. Cár'ámn was stunned at first and then pulled himself out from underneath the lifeless creature.

Not knowing quite what to do with the body of the massive creature, he began hauling the carcass towards the domed tints where the caravan was staying.  Desert Sun heard the commotion outside the tents and came running to see what was happening.

I have to disappoint you, there will be no Raház-Estár armour for you. Following points are speaking against it:

- You probably have no bow
- A rock snake is per definition not visible until it is nearly too late. So you can't fight it with a bow and arrows. (Stupid Talia only managed to kill a snake  due to her magic sword, but that would NOT go through on the RPG board!) Even as a trained Tethrinrhim warrior you have not the different training of a Shendar warrior , so even with a sword the outcome would not be sure.


To his astonishment, he saw Cár’ámn standing exhausted over the massive form of a Ráhaz'Estár.  “You did it Quagga,” the human said with a great grin, “Only a few hundred years late but you did it.”  He laughed then continued, “and what a huge beast it is my friend you are now a true warrior.”
You are not a Shendar warrior just because you killed  a rock snake, there is much more to it. Even if you would have its hide, you could not do much with it, for only the Shendar have the receipt to treat it in a way, so that it is usable, and they would surely not do it for any stranger who happened to life with them for a few months. Sorry to disappoint you, but If you would have such an armour, that would add so much to your strength, that it would be nearly impossible to balance him!


So, please remove all mentioning of armour and weapon out of the Rock Snake skin. They are only meant for a few true Shendar warriors, on the RPG-side as on the dev-side. And adjust your CD incorporating my comments. One last question: He always is on the run, because he is not only hunted, but because he fears calamities for those he is close to or lives with. He doesn't seem to have such concerns while living with the Shendar, or does he?


« Last Edit: May 16, 2008, 05:56:36 PM by Talia Sturmwind » Logged
Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Gender: Male
Posts: 47


Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #29 on: May 17, 2008, 07:14:44 AM »

Thanks Ruil

I am rewriting the CD so he is on his First Traveling Warrior level.  Great idea.

Please do not hesitate to give me more.

Hi Talia

Please do not think that any work that you have done on my CD has been in vain.  If you notice I have removed the exclamation mark because I need to take some time to totally rethink how I want to do this.

I will try to adress some of your concerns here but when time permits I will present an outline of my history to see if you and others find it acceptable before creating it all over again only to gut it once more.

The name in not correct.  I have have PM Mina and the wonderful lady has graced me with a wonderful response.  She has also sugested I as the experts in the Dev. Board and that I still need to do.

Quote
How can a kaierian warrior be shy and timid? I think that is a bit contradicting. Even if he was like this in his childhood, he should have grown out by now, otherwise he would have not mastered his tasks to become a warrior

I agree and that is one reason I am changing the CD.  If you notice I tend to make CDs that are prone to social problems.  I guess I thought this was a great way to create a weakness.  I was wrong and will be changing this.

You are also correct that muscles do not flow.  This will be changed to move.

I do have too many shoe and belts.  Oops!  that will be fixed.

Quote
* Knowledge of nature: Cár'ámn has training in the identifying and usefulness of plants, trees and shrubs and animals.  His training started with those growing locally to his tribe giving him the greatest of his limited knowledge to these varieties.  The warrior has a limited knowledge of vegetation that grow in other locations. This includes ability to identify animal tracks.
   I don't know, if this is really a strength, if his knowledge doesn't go beyond that of others. Most people in these times, especially those living in the forest, knew to distinct the plants and name them, though not all medical uses

I wrote it this way when I thought I was needing to placate the gods of strengths and weakness.  as a ranger he needs to be able to have some knowledge of these, IMHO, but there seemed to be some concern about the CD being too imbalanced.


Quote
* Poor Interpersonal Relationship skills:He is painfully shy of others: Because he has not been well received by members in his tribe he feels others will not wish to know him either.  The elf chooses not to associate with others because he fears they may be harmed by his presence.  He believes that if he allows himself to become close to someone they will perish.  Self hatred: Because of the poor opinions held by other about him and his willingness to believe them he finds it difficult to show confidence in his own abilities.  He will belittle anything he has done or claim to have poor skill even in areas where he excels.

How has he survived his training where interaction with others is needed every day for his training?

Here again I came up with lame weakness.  and will not be using.


 
Quote
* Many in his clan fear him: Many of those within his tribe feel that his presence brings with it calamity.  Even as a child deaths have happened in his presence even though he is not responsible for them.  The fact that his mother died in childbirth also adds to this superstition.  The claims of Báian'efér'scál, his family and allies that he is a demon only strengthen their beliefs.

I can't find anything in the entry which would tell me that this tribe is so superstitious.   

Again I created another bad weakness for this character.  I am changing my CD so this will no longer be the case.

Quote
* Identifiable Features: His face is scarred thanks to an encounter with a wild cat.  Cár'ámn also has uniquely colored eyes that cannot be hid even by the turban he wears.  In adition The fact that he uses a bow is somewhat unique for someone with the appearance of a Shendar.  These unique characteristics make him easily identifiable to those siding with Báian'efér'scál, the murderer of his beloved.
See below

You got me here,  which below did you mean?  I will be making so his beloved is not murdered so part of this will at least disappear.
Quote
* He blames the goddess Queprur for the deaths of his mother, father and Avathcin Querín, the love of his life  Because of this he exhibits a  great dislike for followers of the goddess.  This will often cause him to either leave a place where they are present or remain uncomfortable and irritable until they are not around.
Oh no, you won't encounter so many that this is a weakness. apart from that - nobody likes to see a priestess of Queprur 

I will explain this better.  Much of this is changing too.

Quote
  You have taken quite a few liberties here in describing your birth but as they will do no harm it is ok. 

No it is not ok for me to take so much liberty in the birth portion of my story.  I am thinking of how I can revise this, Probably leaving much of the story out and simply state that his mother died during childbirth.

Quote
The taunting and harassment continued as new names and insults seemed to be hurled at the boy.  Children imitated their adult counterparts and sometimes the abuse took on a more physical nature.
  Why now? His father#s death had nothing to do with him, he was not even near him. Death at work is nothing uncommon.


This whole section is being revised so that it is the CD that falls from the tree and strikes his head on the way down.  It will be earlier in his life and no one will be pushing him or taunting him. In fact there will be no mention of the brothers at all.

Well RL must be attended to now but please be assure I am taking seriously all the wonderful comments you have given me.

About the errors in grammar, I will try to get rid of them all.  This is a bit hard for me.  As I mentioned when creating Gervase and Benedict I am a dyslexic to please be patient with me.

Thanks again for all your hard work.  Thanks! 
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