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Author Topic: Cár'ámn Glasajcín/Tethinrhim/Ranger  (Read 16387 times)
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #30 on: May 19, 2008, 06:20:56 PM »

Hi

Thanks to the kindness of Mina and Quaélh'Orín.  I believe I now have the proper name and title for my CD. Thanks!

Please find that I have completely removed to History section for the time being and only placed the information that comes before it now.  It requires a rewrite of an enormous nature that I will continue to work on.  If you wish you may comment on what is present.

I will still be taking him south although the story will be a much happier one. Roll Eyes

I seem to have created a sort of amalgamation between Gervase and Benedict and what a mess I made of it. fish

Thanks for your patients.
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Mina
Ávash'deláey
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« Reply #31 on: May 21, 2008, 03:18:11 PM »

Just a small correction: Glasajís means "of sorrrow".  "Of sorrows" would be Glasajías. 
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Benedict Bennett
Paladin of Armeros
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #32 on: May 21, 2008, 05:48:39 PM »

Thanks Mina

I will get this corrected
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The value of a nation is determined by the weighed of gold bars.
The price of justice is determined by the volume of spilt blood.

Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #33 on: May 21, 2008, 06:03:55 PM »

and corrected.  I simply removed the "s".  It seems to sound even better!

Thanks again :)
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #34 on: May 28, 2008, 08:36:44 AM »

Although the history is not quite complete I believe you can see I believe I have taken into account all the concerns about the CD

Please feel free to comment if you would like. :)
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Azhira Styralias
Shamaness
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #35 on: May 29, 2008, 04:17:34 AM »

Looking good, Glasaj!   :D

I'd like to see a tad more on the personality. I still don't have a feel for how he interacts with others and generally behaves. Personality will generally spell out how you plan to RP him in a story.
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #36 on: May 29, 2008, 04:41:14 AM »

Thanks Azhira

I will address his personality more as you have suggested and finish out the history.

Personally I like him a lot better now than I did in the beginning.  I didn't need all the Shendar garb except as a disguise, actually that was the main reason on bringing him to the desert, but now there are more logical reasons that can easily be explained and don't trap him there forever.
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #37 on: May 30, 2008, 05:24:06 AM »

Ok

I have added to my Personality section so I hope it is adequate.

The history section is finished( hope killing a giant snake is acceptable). :P

I also changed the avatar. please tell me if you like this one or the one I had before better.

Thanks for all your help and await anxiously for your approval.

Edit: Oh I have called the Shendar friend Sen1.  I will change this when I figure out how naming is done for these sand people.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2008, 06:12:07 AM by Cár'ámn Glasajcín » Logged
Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #38 on: June 02, 2008, 08:49:07 PM »

I really like the changes, Cár'ámn. You're not as unbalanced anymore having changed your skill to Third Warrior. Your physical weaknesses seem extreme to me...he seems kinda fragile at times for a warrior. If that is what you had in mind, great, just bear in mind those weaknesses when you actually RP.

 - Your level of detail is great! I love the use of elven words and phrases.

 - Your imagery is wonderful. You really give Cár'ámn some character and also do a good job of describing other people in his life.

 - I think the killing of the snake is an excellent choice. You are a warrior, so it makes sense that you could handle a big nasty creature like that. Nice work.

I don't usually do spell/grammar checks, but the CD looks clear of those issues from my reading. I'd say an approval is not far off for you!  :D
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #39 on: June 02, 2008, 10:34:32 PM »

Thanks Azhira

What accolades!  I did work hard to get things cleared up. :D

Let me take another look at his physical weaknesses and see if I can't figure out a way to minimize them a bit. ;)

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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #40 on: June 02, 2008, 10:40:58 PM »

Ok, I modified the weakness with his shoulder so it only happens when he is overdoing it.  The weakness where he passes out when struck from behind is somewhat muted when he wears his helmet . . . so I think I will leave it at that.

Anything else before I can be approved?

Thanks for all your help!  Nod
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
Lady of the South
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Human, Shendar, Shen-D'auras


« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2008, 08:19:31 AM »

Better now, don't you think?  :)


However, as a member of this tribe I have to protest, that again a female (though younger) is described as having more fear than a boy! That is unacceptable! :P
A new idea apart from saving children would have been nice!

Some of the description is wrong: - turban - they Shendar are no Bedouins who wear it permanently!
Quote
A headscarf or turban protects the head whenever the Shendar are forced to travel the desert

Not in town!

And a last thing - would you please give this Shendar man a proper name? :)

Btw, how did you come to your nickname? I must have missed it!
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2008, 08:33:57 AM »

Well it looks like I still have some work to do. fish

I suppose I must come up with something else than saving children. (if I change it so the boy is the scared one will that be acceptable?)  Undecided I might be able to save a whole caravan this time! Rolling

I will remove the turban as you have requested. You are correct he is in a city and would not have to have it.

Now for the name.  I created a thread under general questions called Shendar Naming  where I asked about how to name them. So... I was hoping someone would be so kind as to answer that for me.

The nickname. Well I can remove it seeing I had used it in the previous version.

Thanks Telia for looking at it again.  Sorry if I offend you.
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2008, 08:43:27 AM »

I have fixed all but the name problem...

I took the turban away and changed it so the boy stayed rather than the girl.  If i still need to change this please let me know.


so please would someone tell me how to come up with a proper name for the noble shendar warrior? please! cry
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Cár'ámn Glasajcín
Raín Glasajís
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #44 on: June 05, 2008, 08:58:25 PM »

Ok everyone

I have chosen to name the Shendar warrior Kindo after Kindo Gendair, the second in command of the Ráhaz-Dáth Mercenaries in 625 b.S.

I hope this is acceptable and progress towards titling may continue.
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