Silmarwen Elanessë - Arthyron - Poet

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

Ok, I tried to beafen it up some. I hope it's getting better but I'm having a good time with this!

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

Hey Silmarwen, just a really minor point...

Race: She is only Three quarters Arthyron which her father was a pure blood and 1 quarter Centoraurian from her mothers grand father.

You should put all that information about tribes in your history, perhaps. All you really need to put for race is Elvish and Human, or if you really want to be more detailed, Three quarters elvish and one quarter human.

And the last few words of that sentence, her mother's grandfather, did you actually mean her mother's father, or did you mean her great-grandfather?

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

I think I meant that 

[Eléyr Fásamár]

Hey Silmarwen, here's a full run through for you in Blue!

Name: Silmarwen Elanessë

Gender: Female

Age: 35

Race: She is 3/4 elven and 1/4 human. <-- You might want to capitalize 'Elven' and 'Human,' as they are kinda proper nouns. It's kinda like saying someone is Asian in a multi-raced world.

Tribe: Silmarwen is Arthyron and Centoraurian.

Occupation: Healer/Poet

Title: Poet of the Áv'jeín <-- Just thought I'd say that I like the title.

Overview: Silmarwen is a lover of arts and music. Her love for nature and writing makes her perfect for her title, Poet. She also can define plants very well which gives her great opportunities to study in the ways of healing.

Appearance: Silmarwen is slightly under two peds in height. She is slim and has the average weight for an Arthyron. She has light brown hair(comma) but in the sun looks more like the Arthyron blond. She has misty gray eyes. She has a slender(comma) yet firm build. Her feet are smaller than most elves and her fingers are not as long. However she is still mostly Arthyron and has most of their traits.

Clothing: She wears a garb not of the usual water resistant material(comma) since she is usually not around water. She does wear a (You just have an extra space here. ) long hooded cape around her, a very dark shade of blue. She wears breeches like the others(comma) which is the color of her cape,<--(semicolon, not comma) with a long sleeved shirt(comma) which is a lighter blue,<--(semicolon) under a vest also of the darker shade. She has a long strip of silky cloth, the color of her shirt, that she wears to keep her hair out of her eyes.

Personality: Silmarwen is quiet unless it's necessary to converse for business. She is confident of herself despite this(comma) which shows sure signs of a successful life ahead of her. (Another extra space here ) Growing up to realize she was different from the rest, Silmarwen didn't learn why until she was 14 years old. She never felt she belonged anywhere so she started the<--to spend more time out in the woods. However(comma) she is still content with her life. She loves all nature and finds it more comfortable away from people and with animals and trees. She finds peace there and is rarely seen. Anything green and growing seems to give her life. Dawn and twilight are her favorite times of the days(comma) and she becomes more alive then, unlike her usual far away air. She hates the thought of killing any living creature and doesn't eat meat. It repulses her especially since she is so close to many animals. When she was young she first encountered fire which burned up a section of the forest. From then on she hated and feared the natural consumer. As a girl she never liked being in over crowded areas or rooms and when in one she breaks into nervous sweats and all her senses freeze up. She hated seeing caged animals and loves the freedom of all creatures in the woods. She doesn't feel any hostility towards any races and especially likes Humans. Dark elves she is suspicious of, however. She has few friends but she doesn't mind. She is happier living a solitary life. Still(comma) she is civil to others and loves to hear stories of distant lands and such.

I like the effort you've have put forth to add detail in this sections, Silmarwen. However, could you break the one large paragraph into to two, maybe?

Strengths:
               -Silmarwen has very strong mental strengths. She is a fast thinker and could easily settle fights if she had the courage to speak up.(Space)
          -Her physical strengths are not as great but are still helpful. She can climb well and has no fear of heights. She could climb higher than most anyone and can reach the thinner top branches. It allows her with a good choice of hiding if she has to.
(Space)
           - She has good aim and can throw knives with and can easily hit targets. This would help if any danger attacked(comma) and she only (Just have an extra space! ) uses them as a defense mechanism. One time a wolf threatened travelers in the forest and she was able to wound (it) several times(comma) forcing it to run away.
(Space)
             - Silmarwen is very good at observing plants. She was trained in the ways of a healer and has the ability to tell all sorts of healing or poisonous plants apart.
           
Weaknesses:
                   - Silmarwen hates to be near fire unless she absolutely needs to. She sees it as a natural destroyer and even the smell of smoke will disgust her. The only time she will use fire is when it is needed for a certain remedy.
(Space)
                   -She also hates small closed in spaces. If in one(comma) claustrophobia takes hold and she looses all senses. She would rather be in wide open fields and forests more than any building or closed in area. This makes it hard to learn news of any sort or to meet with anyone if she needs to. The small, closed in spaces is okay. However, I would warn you against the dislike of buildings. Some stories might have plenty of out door space, but a lot will require you to enter buildings.
(Space)
            -She is not a good swimmer(comma) which is bad for her since she lives near the sea and rivers. She doesn't mind water she just can't seem to get the hang of deep water. She loves small streams however. So she has to be extra careful if she is crossing a river or in a boat. <-- I am not sure this one counts as a weakness, as the average peasant is probably not a good swimmer. If she was scared  of water, that might be a weakness, but being a bad swimmer won't.
(Space)
                   -She is not a good public speaker(comma) which hinders her from speaking her mind when she has a good point. It is surprising to (Extra Space!) many after reading some of her poetry.

The bullets in this section are kind of uneven, and I think it is because you used spaces. If you press the tab button, it will provide you with a consistent amount of space, rather than some being farther out than others. However, I am known to nitpick about aesthetics.
       
History: Silmarwen's grandfather came from a tribe of humans, but not one hostile to elves. Her mother, Iman, was his daughter but Iman’s mother was an elf of the Arthyron tribe. Silmarwen's mother was raised in the tribe and married the elf Gweyn, the Arthyron elf. Silmarwen was accepted in the tribe(comma) but the unease of her mixed heritage passed down from her parents set her aside from most elves.
(Space)
   They raised Silmarwen together and let her join them in the trading business until she was old enough to earn her own title. Her mother taught her to play the lyre when she was young while her father taught her how to use the set of knives he gave her. She became friends with many of the elderly in the village(comma) including the weaver Alatariel who gave her her vest. She loved to listen and read poetry and other writers works dreaming of becoming as accomplished. She also loved growing things and would plant flowers in her garden(comma) spending much time caring for them.
(Space)
   She never knew her grandparents so she has no clue of her mixed ethnicity. All went well until Gweyn died while on a trading ship that sunk in a storm when Silmarwen was 19. After this(comma) Silmarwen’s quiet nature came out more and she became more distant than before. Her mother stayed with her after that, only long enough to tell her about her mixed ethnic background. After that she gave her a pendant which had been passed down to her from her grandfather and the cloak which had belonged to her grandmother. Silmarwen took them and left the next day carrying only her few belongings (see below). <-- The see below probably isn't necessary.
(Space)
   At first the journeying was hard for her, and she spent much time alone. She slept under the stars and trees for many nights and became used to living in the forest. She became accustomed to the animals and found birds exceedingly interesting. She was very familiar with the forest and it's ways after studying it for about a year.
(Space)
   While traveling through the forest she came across an old hut. Inside lived an old healer women, not elven but human who went by the Andúnë Táralóm. She became good friends with Andúnë who taught Silmarwen the ways of a healer. She passed away when Silmarwen was 27, leaving a record of healing and useful plants, and her Zeiphyrian Hunting Hound, Fley. Silmarwen continued to study and now has knowledge of that of a healer though she is more known for her poetry.

I'm assuming that she does wander out of her forest on occasion. Because currently no stories take place in *this* forest, so she'd probably have to exit it eventually to RP.

Weapons: Silmarwen has a pouch with small throwing knives, only to be used in self defense if she needs them.

Belongings: She carries a lyre with her to play on occasion. It is not very big(color) but carved of well seasoned wood with beautiful carving<--Might want to use designs or something here, since you already used 'carved' in this sentence. set in it. She also owns a pendent<--pendant passed down from her family as a talisman which she never takes off. It is a large blue tinted stone with a green jewel in the center. You don't specifically say the stone has magical properties, but the word talisman kinda worries me. You can leave it as long as its clear that it isn't magical. She has a book of bound parchment, also, which she always carries with her to write in. She also keeps a record of plants and herbs left by Andúnë.

Familiars: When she first settled into her home (she found) a young Zeiphyrian hunting hound trained by Andúnë there. It was friendly and seemed to have no problems with being around Silmarwen(comma) and it soon became attached to her, and she to it. It's name was Fley and when Andúnë died she was left with her. Fley hunts for her own food but Silmarwen never touched the meat(comma) due to her vegetarian principles. That's just a suggestion, as I think someone had said that part was unclear as to why.

Wow, Silmarwen. Your CD is really improving since I first read it. Fix these things up, and you should be just about ready for approval! Keep, it up!

Sincerely,
Eléyr Fásamár

PS~ I like the new avatar!

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

Thanks a lot for the encouragement! It's good to know I'm making progress and your help really does make sense! Wow, I feel pretty good right now thanks to you!

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

OK, I fixed it up a bit and I'm happy that most of the problems were grammatical.

[Mannix]

I couldn't find much to comment on so just a spelling and grammar check, which by the way is small .  Changes in the oh so yummy chocolate:
- She also can define plants very well,(add a comma) which gives her great opportunities to study in the ways of healing. Not one for violence or fighting she stays out of everyone’s way most of the time.
- She has a long strip of silky cloth, the color of her shirt,(either get rid of the comma or change that to which, I’d do the latter.) that she wears to keep her hair out of her eyes.
- When she was young she first encountered fire,(add a comma) which burned up a section of the forest.
- She would rather be in wide-open(You could hyphenate this, but it’s extremely minor) fields and forests more than any building or closed in area.
- She is not a good public speaker,(delete ‘r’) which hinders her from speaking her mind when she has a good point.
- After that she gave her a pendant,(add a comma)  which had been passed down to her from her grandfather,(add a comma)  and the cloak,(add a comma)  which had belonged to her grandmother.
- Its name was Fley and when Andúnë died she was left with her.
Apart from this it's very good, approval shouldn't be far off now.

Mannix

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

I fixed what you said. Thanks for the advice and encouragement!!

[Maachàn]

His SIlmarwen! I am her to comment in yellow



Overview: Silmarwen is a lover of arts and music and has a passion for her instrument: the lyre. Her love for nature and writing makes her perfect for her title, Poet. She also can define plants very well, which gives her great opportunities to study in the ways of healing. Not one for violence or fighting she stays out of everyones way most of the time.The last sentence needs some rephrasing

Just a small nitpicking The CD is on its way to approval but you may want to check punctuations, since some of the sentences lacks some.

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

Thanks

[Nox Echiiscuan]

I'm going to give your CD a quick run through. ^_^   Mostly, I will be looking at grammar, phrasing, and spelling. I'm sorry if my comments contradict any of the ones already given to you.

All of my comments, suggestions, and corrections, will be made ravishing in red.

Overview: Silmarwen is a lover of arts and music,<-(comma) and has a passion for her instrument:<-(this should be a comma) the lyre. Her love for nature and writing makes her perfect for her title, Poet. She also can define plants very well, which gives her great opportunities to study in the ways of healing. Liking to avoid violence or fighting, she stays out of everyones way.

Appearance: Silmarwen is slightly under two peds in height.<-(Just so you know, 2 Peds is 6'6".) She is slim and has the average weight for an Arthyron. She has light brown hair, but in the sun looks more like the Arthyron blond. It is usually held back with a ribbon or hidden in the hood of her cape so people usually don’t see it's long length. She has misty gray, emotional eyes that strike people the most out of all her traits. She has a slender, yet firm build, and her feet are smaller than most elves. However,<-(comma) she is still mostly Arthyron and has most of their traits.

Clothing: She wears a garb not of the usual water resistant material, since she is usually not around water. She does wear a long hooded cape around her, which is a very dark shade of blue. She wears breeches like the others,<-(Like the others? I'm not sure what you mean by that... Could you clarify?) which are the color of her cape; with a long sleeved shirt, which is a lighter blue; under a vest also of the darker shade.<-(I personally think that you should break this into two separate sentences. Though, I'll leave that decision up to you, as I don't think that it's absolutely necessary.) She has a long strip of silky cloth, the color of her shirt, that she wears to keep her hair out of her eyes. Her shoes are a thick cloth bound around her ankles with tight lacings.

Personality: Silmarwen is quiet,<-(comma) unless it's necessary to converse for business. She is confident of herself despite this, which shows sure signs of a successful life ahead of her. Growing up to realize she was different from the rest, Silmarwen didn't learn why until she was 14 years old. She never felt she belonged anywhere,<-(comma) so she started to spend more time out in the woods. However, she is still content with her life. She loves all nature and finds it more comfortable away from people and with animals and trees. She finds peace there and is rarely seen. Anything green and growing seems to give her life. Dawn and twilight are her favorite times of the days, and she becomes more alive then, unlike her usual far away air. She hates the thought of killing any living creature and doesn't eat meat. It repulses her,<-(comma) especially since she is so close to many animals.
   When she was young she first encountered fire, which burned up a section of the forest. From then on she hated and feared the natural consumer. As a girl she never liked being in over crowded areas or rooms and when in one,<-(comma) she breaks into nervous sweats and all her senses freeze up. She hates seeing caged animals and loves the freedom of all creatures in the woods. She doesn't feel any hostility towards any races<-(comma) and especially likes Humans. Dark elves she is suspicious of, however. She has few friends,<-(comma) but she doesn't mind. She is happier living a solitary life. Still, she is civil to others and loves to hear stories of distant lands and such.

Strengths:
   -Silmarwen has very strong mental strengths. She is a fast thinker and could easily settle fights if she had the courage to speak up.
   
   -Her physical strengths are not as great,<-(comma) but are still helpful. She can climb well and has no fear of heights. She could climb higher than almost anyone,<-(comma) and can reach the thinner top branches. It allows her with a good choice of hiding if she has to.
   
   - She has good aim,<-(comma) and can throw knives with and can easily hit targets. This would help if any danger attacked, and but she only uses them as a defense mechanism. One time a wolf threatened travelers in the forest and she was able to wound it several times, forcing it to run away.<-(But you stressed earlier that she loved animals. Someone that loves animals as much as you have seemed to stress wouldn't wound one.)
   
   - Silmarwen is very good at observing plants. She was trained in the ways of a healer and has the ability to tell all sorts of healing or poisonous plants apart.
         
Weaknesses:
   - Silmarwen hates to be near fire unless she absolutely needs to be. She sees it as a natural destroyer and even the smell of smoke will disgust her. The only time she will use fire is when it is needed for a certain remedy.
(space)
   -She also hates small closed in spaces. If in one,<-(comma) claustrophobia takes hold and she looses all senses. She would rather be in wide open fields and forests more than any building or closed-in area. Still, if she needs to,<-(comma) she will go into buildings for meetings or important gatherings and such.
   
   -She is not a good public speaker, which hinders her from speaking her mind when she has a good point. It is surprising to many after reading some of her poetry.
     
I'm sorry. That's all I have time for at the moment. But I will be sure to give your History section a quick run through later- mainly focusing on grammar, phrasing, and spelling. I hope I was helpful and that you have a speedy approval process! ^_^

~ Nox ~

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

Ok, thank you and I appreciate the help even if your not a moderator. It still works in the end.

[Twén Aråerwén]

Silmarwen, animated avatars and signatures are not permitted on the boards. This is more of a courtesy issue for others with slow computers or low speed internet connections. Thanks for understanding!

~Sincerely~

Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen

[Silmarwen Elanessë]

Sorry.

[Nox Echiiscuan]

Okay! I'm going to comment on the rest of your CD now. It wasn't until now that I realized that it wasn't just your History section that I didn't look over. So I made sure that I went over those sections as well. Again, I'll be mainly focusing on grammar, phrasing, and spelling.

All comments, suggestions, and corrections will be made ravishing in red.


History: Silmarwen's grandfather came from a tribe of humans, but not one hostile to elves.<-(Which tribe of humans?) Her mother, Iman, was his daughter but and Iman’s mother was an elf of the Arthyron tribe. Silmarwen's mother was raised in the tribe and married the elf Gweyn, the Arthyron elf. Silmarwen was accepted in the tribe, but the unease of her mixed heritage passed down from her parents set her aside from most elves.
   
   They raised Silmarwen together and let her join them in the trading business until she was old enough to earn her own title. Her mother taught her to play the lyre when she was young,<-(comma) while her father taught her how to use the set of knives he gave her. She became friends with many of the elderly in the village, including the weaver Alatariel,<-(comma) who gave her her vest. She loved to listen and read poetry and other writers'<-(apostrophe) works,<-(comma) dreaming of becoming as accomplished as they were. She also loved growing things and would plant flowers in her garden, spending much time caring for them.
   
   She never knew her grandparents,<-(comma) so she has no clue of her mixed ethnicity. All went well until Gweyn died while on a trading ship that sunk in a storm when Silmarwen was 19. After this, Silmarwen’s quiet nature came out more and she became more distant than before. Her mother stayed with her after that, only long enough to tell her about her mixed ethnic background. After that,<-(comma) she gave her a pendant, which had been passed down to her from her grandfather, and the cloak, which had belonged to her grandmother. Silmarwen took them and left the next day,<-(comma) carrying only her few belongings.
   
   At first the journeying was hard for her, and she spent much time alone. She slept under the stars and trees for many nights and became used to living in the forest. She became accustomed to the animals and found birds exceedingly interesting. She was very familiar with the forest and it's ways after studying it for about a year.
   
   While traveling through the forest she came across an old hut. Inside lived an old healer woman, not elven but human who went by the name Andúnë Táralóm. She became good friends with Andúnë,<-(comma) who taught Silmarwen the ways of a healer. She passed away when Silmarwen was 27, leaving a record of healing and useful plants, and her Zeiphyrian Hunting Hound, Fley. Silmarwen continued to study and now has knowledge of that of a healer,<-(comma) though she is more known for her poetry.

Weapons: Silmarwen has a pouch with small throwing knives, only to be used in self defense if she needs them.

Belongings: She carries a lyre with her to play on occasion. It is not very big,<-(comma) but is carved of well seasoned cream colored wood with beautiful images of flowering vines set in it. She also owns a pendent passed down in her family as a talisman which she never takes off. It is a large blue tinted stone with a green jewel in the center. While having no specific magical powers,<-(comma) it is more of a good luck charm to Silmarwen,<-(comma) and to remind her of her family. She has a book of bound parchment, also, which she always carries with her to write in. She also keeps a the record of plants and herbs left by Andúnë.

Familiars: When she first settled into her home,<-(comma) she found a young Zeiphyrian hunting hound trained by Andúnë there. It was friendly and seemed to have no problems with being around Silmarwen, and it soon became attached to her, and she to it. Its name was Fley and,<-(comma) when Andúnë died,<-(comma) she was left with her. Fley hunts for her own food,<-(comma) but Silmarwen never touched the meat, due to her vegetarian principles.

And there you have it. I think I got everything. ^_^  There are some spots where things are worded awkwardly. My advice would be to read through the CD and maybe reword a few things. Anyway! Hope that I've been helpful and that you have a speedy approval process.

~ Nox ~

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