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Author Topic: Eiba Mimminel, Dogodan/Helmondsshire, Actress  (Read 6507 times)
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Eiba
Little Flirt
Approved Character
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Posts: 26

Halfling, Dogodan/ Helmondsshire


« on: June 05, 2008, 03:27:04 PM »

      Name
Eiba Mimminel

      Gender
      Female

      Age
     32

      Race
      Halfling

      Tribe
      Dogodan/Helmondsshire

      Occupation
      Oh, a mix of this and a mix of that; mostly the brass whistle, but sometimes a good act or song works as well; and then there's bumming drinks and food by pretending to be someone's best friend; it's a simple life, really, so long as you don't expect to gain any prestige.

      Title
      Little Flirt


      Overview
      Be open, friendly, and put your best side forward; always have a ready smile and a cheery tune; a kind word and a relevant piece of flattery. 'Tis the way to live in any place.

      Appearance
     
      Height
      A bit short at 2 fores, a palmspan and 4 nailsbreadths.

      Weight
      Average weight, a little under five-and-a-half hebs.

      Hair Colour
      Brown

      Eye Colour
      Blue

      Physical Appearance
      Only the left side of Eiba's childish halfling face is visible from behind herhip-length dark brown hair, which falls in front of her entire right side and around her shoulder, tied in place with a piece of broad ribbon of roughly the same dark brown.  Her face is dominated by nothing, accented by large, excitable blue eyes and a button nose, framed by slightly dimpled cheeks. Always, her appearance is clean and tidy, the corners of her mouth turned up in what might be a perpetual grin; a look at once comforting, and mildly mischievous.

Eiba is a solidly built halfling; sporting a stocky, but not bulging torso, and a prominent, but not excessive bust. Her stance favors her right foot, and she walks softly, always gently setting her heel first, even when running, which she does very, very rarely.

She dresses plainly, preferring a light, soft leather vest, a white blouse, and a full-length plaid skirt. Though at times, especially for special events, she has been known to wear a strapless dress. Always, her hair still falls over her right side, covering her face, shoulder, and generally her right hand, which is encased, usually, in a leather glove; a cloth one matching her dress on special occasions.

Never does she intentionally uncover her mysterious right side, the bane of all her existence. The scar begins at her scalp, a wide gathering of hardened skin that can never go away, a deep purple rash surrounding it from her eyebrow down, evidence of a severe burn somewhere in her past. Her mostly unseeing right eye peers eerily through the always-half-open eyelid, sealed so by that same burn. From there, the scar travels down her cheek, across her shoulder, down the outside of her breast, and then stops abruptly for a short distance - here, her right hand had intervened, leaving it permanently scarred across the front of most her fingers and her palm. Those fingers are now bent, and shorter than those on her left, all due to the burn. She can still use most of her fingers, but at a sickeningly reduced capacity - they will only lift and lower so far, with no side-to-side motion, and her right hand will never fully close, nor fully open.

The scar does not end there, carrying down over her hip, running for a bit down her thigh, and then reappearing at her calf and crossing directly over her middle toe and the one just outside of it, destroying both of them completely, hardly even little stubs remaining. The rest of her toes on that foot suffer from distinctly diminished mobility, and therefore she walks carefully and, if she can avoid it, never runs.


      Personality
      Eiba loves two things: To have fun and be surprised. This is why she will often act surprised even when she isn't; pretending to startle easily, and laughing and smiling freely. She is very playful, often allowing her playfulness to express itself in idly passed flattery, and flirty gestures and remarks. Without exaggeration, Eiba flirts with any man who would look her way, regardless of race, age, profession; nothing is too extreme for her tastes. Nor does she stop with males; when few are to be found, or none with any kind of social bearing, she will as freely pass her excessive flattery onto any females present, always making her flattery relevant, and therefore identifiable by the target of her temporary affections. A little beer in her stomach, and everyone is Eiba's best friend.

When she is not flirting, Eiba can be found puffing cheerily away at her brass whistle, which she plays left-handed; or with the left hand taking the bottom three holes, and the right the top. The tiny motions made by her right hand to cover and uncover the holes are practiced enough to not give away her terrible secret.

Alternately, she will take up play-acting, sometimes making dialogue for three separate people in her freely-spun tales, few of which have any meaning or bearing on real life.

She is a fickle friend, however, and more than a tad afraid of commitment. In the past, she has literally fled from a relationship, for fear the person might get attached to her and discover her horrid secret, or that she might not always like them, or whatever her reason may be; she makes many friends, and no promises.

      Strengths and Weaknesses
     
     Strengths
      Of all the things that make Eiba strong, these are the most prominent:

Strong-willed, always eager and capable of making her own decisions, and following them through almost to the point of an obsession.

Talented with music and words, and eager and willing to share it with anyone.

Cheery, constantly coming up with something at which to be pleased, surprised, or to find amusing, and always laughing, easily inviting others to share in her mirth.

Friendly, with no regards for kin, class or culture. She makes friends with anything and everything; as well as any and everyone.

      Weaknesses
Fickle, as in she tends to not only act, but live on a whim, trusting in music and charm to get her by, living one day at a time.

Deathly afraid of two things: Firstly, making a lasting promise, for fear she cannot keep it; secondly, the thought that someone for whom she truly feels affection might discover her lifelong disfiguring wounds, and find her mindset superficial, and her body hideous.

Her right side, due to this disfiguring wound, is almost completely without any kind of dexterity; though born right-handed, she was forced to raise herself left-handed, and lives so now. Her right side moves more slowly, and is nearly inflexible, from her permanently open eye, her bent, short fingers, locked hip and knee, and missing toes, this proves her greatest weakness.

Gullible and oblivious. Just as she passes flattery openly and freely, she takes compliments in kind, readily accepting what someone is willing to tell her as the honest truth; she is a simple miss, and leads a simple life.

      History
      An odd one of any kin comes from an equally odd past; so with Eiba. Her father, Duspin, who inherited the name of the humans he was raised with, Mimminel. Of unknown origins, Duspin was raised from infancy by the bride of a bitter, life-weary soldier and learned, as best a halfling can, that man's take on life. His natural cheeriness and simple curiosity was always met with corporal punishment until, slowly, little was left of Duspin but the shell of a hobbit.

Still, hope lived inside him, and one day he managed to escape from New Santhala, fleeing south to the Elverground, where he joined up with the Elenveran tribe, which was his true heritage. Even here, however, his past haunted him and, rather than living in a typical Hobbit Hole, he built himself on the outskirts of the community, a proper house. Still not to be outdone, the locals invited him to their celebrations and social gatherings, which for a time, he gratefully attended. Eventually, he found himself with a wife, and things got worse.

At first, it wasn't noticeable; he stayed home a little more frequently; then, she had her first child and she began to stay home more frequently, except when she would spontaneously gather up her son and run to her parents' home for a day, leaving him alone. Always, she returned to him and, eventually, they had another son; a year after that, a third son. By now, Duspin was all but completely removed from the community, growing more and more bitter by the day.

The two elder sons were highly active and aggressive boys, taking their cue from their abusive father. Frequently, they expressed their excessively youthful energy in the form of competitive sports, and with almost equal frequency, random brawling. Out of curiosity, the two of them obtained, partly through the trading of ill-gotten gain, a set of cheaply made, battered weapons, the elder taking a pair of handaxes. Proud of their new "toys", they devoted time to caring for and attempting, in their amateurish way, to practice the use of the weapons. For a time, it was seen as a harmless hobby, neither of them willing to take up the native trade of farming. The youngest son was not so entrenched in the elder boys' circles, and found life in the shire to be distasteful - mostly due to the proximity it held him to his father. A studious, clever and focused halfling, he pilfered a considerable amount of money and food from his relatives, and disappeared for several years. He returned boasting the use of magic, yet only once was seen to give a public exhibition, and most hobbits who had spent time out of the shire confessed that, while indeed water magic, his tricks were little more than distractions.

Eiba entered the Dream near Firstflame on a cool, crisp morning, and was cleaned and tenderly handed to her loving mother, who cuddled, shushed and kissed her first daughter - and last child. Duspin was furious, feeling the child a failure, and raved at the mother until she left the house, staying at her father's Hole for the next three months. Eventually, Duspin seemed to calm, and she returned.

It didn't take three nightfalls before the facade that was his peace broke and, in a fit of rage, the demented Duspin used a fire poker to attack his daughter while her mother had stepped out of the room. This is the source of her hideous, disfiguring scar, though she remembers nothing of it, only to bear the residual pains of mind and body it left. When Eiba's mother tried to intervene, she was struck several times with the same improvised weapon, and eventually died of the attack. Duspin's sons, hearing of the atrocity, silently murdered their father and gave him a proper hobbity burial alongside their mother as a token, and partly to deceive the people that it might have all been an accident.

From there, Eiba was taken back to New Santhala. Raising her in the shire would have been a mistake, or so the brothers felt; they found an elven matron who was willing to take her in and who raised the child as best she could, teaching her how to walk, talk, see, dress, eat, make music and in general survive from the tragedy. When introducing their sister to her tutor, they called her Eiba, and Eiba she has been ever since, having no name from her parents. Her tutor welcomed the presence of her brothers, until their amoral outlook on life and fame as violent mercenaries began to catch up with them, and she bade them leave their sister to her, forbidding them to meet with her more. Their departure saddened Eiba, who still has brief, distant daydreams, sometimes causing spontaneous giggles, sometimes bouts of solemnity as she remembers them, but aside from this, she has forgotten them.

Her life with the matron, who, though a full-blooded elf, insisted on being called "Totie", was relatively uneventful. It was at Totie's suggestion that Eiba learned music, and from Totie she learned what she knows of the graces of society. Eiba was not Totie's only student, and being a typically unfocused halfling, was by no means the best. Totie taught Eiba to draw her hair over her eye, and helped her learn rhythm and harmonizing with Eiba's chosen instrument, the whistle, until eventually, Eiba took leave of her tutor and stepped outside with no intent to return.

      Belongings
      Whistle and a large bag of clothing and costumes, most of which she rarely uses.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2008, 11:35:14 AM by Kalína Mërénwèn » Logged

Azhira Styralias
Shamaness
Approved Character
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Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1176


Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2008, 09:58:03 PM »

Hello Eiba! Welcome to Santharia. It looks here like you have a quaint little halfling gem of a lady with a rather nasty scar...however, this doesn't seem to interfere with her social life in any way and despite that, she is a cheerful soul. I'd like to meet her sometime!

Your CD is simple, light and possesses much potential in an RP setting. Overall, I see no glaring issues. It's a simple halfling girl. Everything seems to be in order...all balanced in my opinion.

Nice work, Eiba  ;)
« Last Edit: June 09, 2008, 09:58:54 PM by Azhira » Logged

"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Eek
Merman
Approved Character
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Offline Offline

Posts: 70

Merfolk


« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2008, 01:38:29 PM »

 Ok here we go. Comments in Teal.    

Name
Eiba Mimminel

      Gender
      Female

      Age
     32

      Race
      Halfling

      Tribe
      Elenveran

      Occupation
      Oh, a mix of this and a mix of that; mostly the brass whistle, but sometimes a good act or song works as well; and then there's bumming drinks and food by pretending to be someone's best friend; it's a simple life, really, so long as you don't expect to gain any prestige.

     Title
      Little Flirt


      Overview
      Be open, friendly, and put your best side forward; always have a ready smile and a cheery tune; a kind word and a relevant piece of flattery. 'Tis the way to live in any place.

      Appearance
     
     Height
      A bit short at 2 fores, a palmspan and 4 nailsbreadths.

      Weight
      Average weight, a little under five-and-a-half hebs.

      Hair Colour
      Brown

      Eye Colour
      Blue

      Physical Appearance
      Only the left side of Eiba's childish halfling face is visible from behind her hair long dark brown hair, which falls, in front of her entire right side and around her shoulder, tied in place with a piece of broad ribbon of roughly the same dark brown. Her face is dominated by nothing, accented by large, excitable blue eyes and a button nose, framed by slightly dimpled cheeks. Always, her appearance is clean and tidy, the corners of her mouth turned up in what might be a perpetual grin; a look at once comforting, and mildly mischievous.

Eiba is a solidly built halfling; sporting a stocky, but not bulging torso, and a prominent, but not excessive bust. Her stance favors her right foot, and she walks softly, always gently setting her heel first, even when running, which she does very, very rarely.

She dresses plainly, preferring a light, soft leather vest, a white blouse, and a full-length plaid skirt, though at times, especially for special events, she has been known to wear a strapless dress. Always, her hair still falls over her right side, covering her face, shoulder, and generally her right handIt is long enough to go down to her hand? If not could you make this sentence a little clearer., which is encased, usually, in a leather glove; a cloth one matching her dress on special occasions.

Never does she intentionally uncover her mysterious right side, the bane of all her existence. At her scalp the scar begins, a wide gathering of hardened skin that can never go away, surrounded from her eyebrow down by a deep purple rash, evidence of a severe burn somewhere in her past. Her mostly unseeing right eye peers eerily through the always-half-open eyelid, sealed so by that same burn. From there, the scar travels down her cheek, across her shoulder, down the outside of her breast, and then stops abruptly for a short distance - here, her right hand had intervened, leaving it permanently scarred across the front of most her fingers and her palm. Those fingers are now bent, and shorter than those on her left, all due to the burn. She can still use most of her fingers, but at a sickeningly reduced capacity - they will only lift and lower so far, with no side-to-side motion, and her right hand will never fully close, nor fully open.

The scar does not end there, carrying down over her hip, slipping off a bit and down her side, and then reappearing at her calf and crossing directly over her middle toe and the one just outside of it, destroying both of them completely, hardly even little stubs remaining. The rest of her toes on that foot suffer from distinctly diminished mobility, and therefore she walks carefully, and if she can avoid it, never runs.


      Personality
      Eiba loves two things: To have fun, and be surprised. This is why she will often act surprised even when she isn't; pretending to startle easily, and laughing  and smiling freely. She is very playful, often allowing her playfulness to express itself in idly passed flattery, and flirty gestures and remarks. Without exaggeration, Eiba flirts with any man who would look her way, regardless of race, age, profession; nothing is too extreme for her tastes. Nor does she stop with males; when few are to be found, or none with any kind of social bearing, she will as freely pass her excessive flattery onto any females present, always making her flattery relevant, and therefore identifiable by the target of her temporary affections. A little beer in her stomach, and everyone is Eiba's best friend.

When she is not flirting, Eiba can be found puffing cheerily away at her brass whistle, which she plays left-handed; or with the left hand taking the bottom three holes, and the right the top. The tiny motions made by her right hand to cover and uncover the holes are practiced enough to not give away her terrible secret.

Alternately, she will take up play-acting, sometimes making dialogue for three separate people in her freely-spun tales, few of which have any meaning or bearing on real life.

She is a fickle friend, however, and more than a tad afraid of commitment. In the past, she has literally fled from a relationship, for fear the person might get attached to her, and discover her horrid secret, or that she might not always like them, or whatever her reason may be; she makes many friends, and no promises.
Maybe a little bit more could be added here about what she would do in certain situations. What would she do if someone was flirty back? Things like that. You have a really good Personality right now. Probably better than the ones i make so you should be good if you don't feel like adding more.

      Strengths and Weaknesses
     
     Strengths
      Of all the things that make Eiba strong, these are the most prominent:

Strong-willed, always eager and capable of making her own decisions, and following them through almost to the point of an obsession.

Talented, with music and words, and eager and willing to share it with anyone.

Cheery, constantly coming up with something at which to be pleased, surprised, or to find amusing, and always laughing, easily inviting others to share in her mirth.

Friendly, with no regards for kin, class or culture. She makes friends with anything and everything; as well as any and everyone.

      Weaknesses
Fickle, as in she tends to not only act, but live on a whim, trusting in music and charm to get her by, living one day at a time.

Deathly afraid of two things: Firstly, making a lasting promise, for fear she cannot keep it; secondly, the thought that someone for whom she truly feels affection might discover her lifelong disfiguring wounds, and find her mindset superficial, and her body hideous.

Her right side, due to this disfiguring wound, is almost completely without any kind of dexterity; though born right-handed, she was forced to raise herself left-handed, and lives so now. Her right side moves more slowly, and is nearly inflexible, from her permanently open eye, her bent, short fingers, locked hip and knee, and missing toes, this proves her greatest weakness.

Gullible, and oblivious. Just as she passes flattery openly and freely, she takes compliments in kind, readily accepting what someone is willing to tell her as the honest truth; she is a simple miss, and leads a simple life.

      History
      An odd one of any kin comes from an equally odd past; so with Eiba. Her father, Duspin, who inherited the name of the humans he was raised with, Mimminel. Of unknown origins, Duspin was raised from infancy by the bride of a bitter, life-weary soldier, and learned, as best a halfling can, that man's take on life. His natural cheeriness and simple curiosity was always met with corporal punishment, until slowly, little was left of Duspin but the shell of a hobbit.

Still, hope lived inside him, and one day he managed to escape from New Santhala, fleeing south to the Elverground, where he joined up with the Elenveran tribe, which was his true heritage. Even here, however, his past haunted him, and rather than living in a typical Hobbit Hole, he built himself on the outskirts of the community, a proper house. Still not to be outdone, the locals invited him to their celebrations and social gatherings, which for a time, he gratefully attended. Eventually, he found himself with a wife, and things got worse.

At first, it wasn't noticeable; he stayed home a little more frequently; then, she had her first child, and she began to stay home more frequently, except when she would spontaneously gather up her son and run to her parents' home for a day, leaving him alone. Always, she returned to him, and eventually, they had another son; a year after that, a third son, and by now, Duspin was all but completely removed from the community, growing more and more bitter by the day.

His eldest two sons learned the hobbit life, and took up practice with weapons; the eldest preferring a pair of hand-axes, the younger taking a liking to the sword. Eventually, his youngest son ran away to Ximax to study magic; by the time Eiba was born, the three were together again, the youngest taking a temporary break from his studies, and the brothers were quickly becoming the best of friends. While their love for each other was growing, their love for their father, and the world at large, was vanishing like the morning dew on a hot day.

Eiba entered the Dream near Firstflame on a cool, crisp morning, and was cleaned and tenderly handed to her loving mother, who cuddled, shushed and kissed her first daughter - and last child. Duspin was furious, feeling the child a failure, and raved at the mother until she left the house, staying at her father's Hole for the next three months. Eventually, Duspin seemed to calm, and she returned.

It didn't take three nightfalls before the facade that was his peace broke, and in a fit of rage, the demented Duspin used a fire poker to attack his daughter while her mother had stepped out of the room. This is the source of her hideous, disfiguring scar, though she remembers nothing of it, only to bear the residual pains of mind and body it left. When Eiba's mother tried to intervene, she was struck several times with the same improvised weapon, and eventually died of the attack. Duspin's sons, hearing of the atrocity, silently murdered their father and gave him a proper hobbity burial alongside their mother as a token, and partly to deceive the people that it might have all been an accident.

From there, Eiba was taken back to New Santhala. Raising her in the shire would have been a mistake, or so the brothers felt; they found an elven matron who was willing to take her in, and who raised the child as best she could, teaching her how to walk, talk, see, dress, eat, make music and in general survive from the tragedy. When introducing their sister to her tutor, they called her Eiba, and Eiba she has been ever since, having no name from her parents. Her tutor welcomed the presence of her brothers, until their amoral outlook on life and fame as violent mercenaries began to catch up with them, and she bade them leave their sister to her, forbidding them to meet with her more. Their departure saddened Eiba, who still has brief, distant daydreams, sometimes causing spontaneous giggles, sometimes bouts of solemnity as she remembers them, but aside from this, she has forgotten them..one period here. Eventually, Eiba took leave of her tutor, and stepped outside with no intent to return.


      Weapons
      No weapons

      Belongings
      Whistle and large bag of clothing and costumes, most of which she rarely uses.
does she carry any money, food, drink? Anything major that she would carry should be added.





Ok here are my suggestions for History again.
Lesson(s) with tutor in music.
Where she got whistle
Any acting lessons or training
Anything that you can think of that would be major/important enough for her to remember.



Have a Nice Day.
Logged

I Like Red Shines!

Eek
Nox Echiiscuan
Macabre Marionette
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2228

Human, Kasumarii


« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2008, 10:04:56 AM »

I will be commenting on your CD for you. ^_^  Mainly, I will be focusing on spelling, grammar, and phrasing. Though, if anything else looks out of whack, I'll be sure to point it out for you.

All of my comments, suggestions, and corrections will be made glamorous in gold. heart


      Physical Appearance
      Only the left side of Eiba's childish halfling face is visible from behind her hair<-(Remove) hip-length dark brown hair, which falls,<-(No comma) in front of her entire right side and around her shoulder, tied in place with a piece of broad ribbon of roughly the same dark brown. Her face is dominated by nothing, accented by large, excitable blue eyes and a button nose, framed by slightly dimpled cheeks. Always, her appearance is clean and tidy, the corners of her mouth turned up in what might be a perpetual grin; a look at once comforting, and mildly mischievous.

Eiba is a solidly built halfling; sporting a stocky, but not bulging torso, and a prominent, but not excessive bust. Her stance favors her right foot, and she walks softly, always gently setting her heel first, even when running, which she does very, very rarely.

She dresses plainly, preferring a light, soft leather vest, a white blouse, and a full-length plaid skirt,<-(change the comma to a period and capitalize the next word) Though at times, especially for special events, she has been known to wear a strapless dress. Always, her hair still falls over her right side, covering her face, shoulder, and generally her right hand, which is encased, usually, in a leather glove; a cloth one matching her dress on special occasions.

Never does she intentionally uncover her mysterious right side, the bane of all her existence. At her scalp the scar begins, a wide gathering of hardened skin that can never go away, surrounded from her eyebrow down by a deep purple rash, evidence of a severe burn somewhere in her past.<-(Okay, so this isn't a helpful comment at all. But, still. This sentence practically rhymes! grin ) Her mostly unseeing right eye peers eerily through the always-half-open eyelid, sealed so by that same burn.<-(So her eyelid is *always* half open? Even when she sleeps? I would recommend rephrasing this as it makes it sound like she can't close her eye either - unless that's what you meant?) From there, the scar travels down her cheek, across her shoulder, down the outside of her breast, and then stops abruptly for a short distance - here, her right hand had intervened, leaving it permanently scarred across the front of most her fingers and her palm.<-(The palm of her hand the front of her fingers? Or do you mean the bottom of her fingers? Or do... I don't know... "front of her fingers" just sounds odd to me. I suppose you can just leave it how it is because once you actually think about it, it kind of makes weirdly perfect sense.) Those fingers are now bent, and shorter than those on her left, all due to the burn. She can still use most of her fingers, but at a sickeningly reduced capacity - they<-(add "y") will only lift and lower so far, with no side-to-side motion, and her right hand will never fully close, nor fully open.

The scar does not end there, carrying down over her hip, slipping off a bit and down her side,<-(I'm not completely sure what you mean by "slipping off a bit and down her side". Down the side of her thigh a bit? If so, please specify. :)) and then reappearing at her calf and crossing directly over her middle toe and the one just outside of it,<-(Her... ring toe? LOL ) destroying both of them completely, hardly even little stubs remaining. The rest of her toes on that foot suffer from distinctly diminished mobility, and therefore she walks carefully,<-(move this comma behind "and".) and if she can avoid it, never runs.


      Personality
      Eiba loves two things: To have fun,<-(no comma) and be surprised. This is why she will often act surprised even when she isn't; pretending to startle easily, and laughing  <-(remove the extra space here)and smiling freely. She is very playful, often allowing her playfulness to express itself in idly passed flattery, and flirty gestures and remarks. Without exaggeration, Eiba flirts with any man who would look her way, regardless of race, age, profession; nothing is too extreme for her tastes. Nor does she stop with males; when few are to be found, or none with any kind of social bearing, she will as freely pass her excessive flattery onto any females present, always making her flattery relevant, and therefore identifiable by the target of her temporary affections. A little beer in her stomach, and everyone is Eiba's best friend.

When she is not flirting, Eiba can be found puffing cheerily away at her brass whistle, which she plays left-handed; or with the left hand taking the bottom three holes, and the right the top. The tiny motions made by her right hand to cover and uncover the holes are practiced enough to not give away her terrible secret.

Alternately, she will take up play-acting, sometimes making dialogue for three separate people in her freely-spun tales, few of which have any meaning or bearing on real life.

She is a fickle friend, however, and more than a tad afraid of commitment. In the past, she has literally fled from a relationship, for fear the person might get attached to her,<-(No comma) and discover her horrid secret, or that she might not always like them, or whatever her reason may be; she makes many friends, and no promises.

      Strengths and Weaknesses
     
     Strengths
      Of all the things that make Eiba strong, these are the most prominent:

Strong-willed, always eager and capable of making her own decisions, and following them through almost to the point of an obsession.

Talented,<-(No comma) with music and words, and eager and willing to share it with anyone.

Cheery, constantly coming up with something at which to be pleased, surprised, or to find amusing, and always laughing, easily inviting others to share in her mirth.

Friendly, with no regards for kin, class or culture. She makes friends with anything and everything; as well as any and everyone.

      Weaknesses
Fickle, as in she tends to not only act, but live on a whim, trusting in music and charm to get her by, living one day at a time.

Deathly afraid of two things: Firstly, making a lasting promise, for fear she cannot keep it; secondly, the thought that someone for whom she truly feels affection might discover her lifelong disfiguring wounds, and find her mindset superficial, and her body hideous.

Her right side, due to this disfiguring wound, is almost completely without any kind of dexterity; though born right-handed, she was forced to raise herself left-handed, and lives so now. Her right side moves more slowly, and is nearly inflexible, from her permanently open eye, her bent, short fingers, locked hip and knee, and missing toes, this proves her greatest weakness.

Gullible,<-(No comma) and oblivious. Just as she passes flattery openly and freely, she takes compliments in kind, readily accepting what someone is willing to tell her as the honest truth; she is a simple miss, and leads a simple life.

      History
      An odd one of any kin comes from an equally odd past; so with Eiba. Her father, Duspin, who inherited the name of the humans he was raised with, Mimminel. Of unknown origins, Duspin was raised from infancy by the bride of a bitter, life-weary soldier,<-(No comma) and learned, as best a halfling can, that man's take on life. His natural cheeriness and simple curiosity was always met with corporal punishment,<-(No comma) until<-(Comma) slowly, little was left of Duspin but the shell of a hobbit.

Still, hope lived inside him, and one day he managed to escape from New Santhala, fleeing south to the Elverground, where he joined up with the Elenveran tribe, which was his true heritage. Even here, however, his past haunted him,<-(Move this comma behind "and") and rather than living in a typical Hobbit Hole, he built himself on the outskirts of the community, a proper house. Still not to be outdone, the locals invited him to their celebrations and social gatherings, which for a time, he gratefully attended. Eventually, he found himself with a wife, and things got worse.

At first, it wasn't noticeable; he stayed home a little more frequently; then, she had her first child,<-(No comma) and she began to stay home more frequently, except when she would spontaneously gather up her son and run to her parents' home for a day, leaving him alone. Always, she returned to him,<-(Move this comma behind the "and") and eventually, they had another son; a year after that, a third son,<-(Change this to a period, remove "and", and capitalize the next word) and By now, Duspin was all but completely removed from the community, growing more and more bitter by the day.

His eldest two sons learned the hobbit life, and took up practice with weapons; the eldest preferring a pair of hand-axes, the younger taking a liking to the sword. Eventually, his youngest son ran away to Ximax to study magic; by the time Eiba was born, the three were together again, the youngest taking a temporary break from his studies, and the brothers were quickly becoming the best of friends. While their love for each other was growing, their love for their father,<-(No comma) and the world at large,<-(No comma) was vanishing like the morning dew on a hot day.

Eiba entered the Dream near Firstflame on a cool, crisp morning, and was cleaned and tenderly handed to her loving mother, who cuddled, shushed and kissed her first daughter - and last child. Duspin was furious, feeling the child a failure, and raved at the mother until she left the house, staying at her father's Hole for the next three months. Eventually, Duspin seemed to calm, and she returned.

It didn't take three nightfalls before the facade that was his peace broke,<-(Move this comma after "and".) and in a fit of rage, the demented Duspin used a fire poker to attack his daughter while her mother had stepped out of the room. This is the source of her hideous, disfiguring scar, though she remembers nothing of it, only to bear the residual pains of mind and body it left. When Eiba's mother tried to intervene, she was struck several times with the same improvised weapon, and eventually died of the attack. Duspin's sons, hearing of the atrocity, silently murdered their father and gave him a proper hobbity<-(Haha. Great word. Hobbity.) burial alongside their mother as a token, and partly to deceive the people that it might have all been an accident.

From there, Eiba was taken back to New Santhala. Raising her in the shire would have been a mistake, or so the brothers felt; they found an elven matron who was willing to take her in,<-(No comma) and who raised the child as best she could, teaching her how to walk, talk, see, dress, eat, make music and in general survive from the tragedy. When introducing their sister to her tutor, they called her Eiba, and Eiba she has been ever since, having no name from her parents. Her tutor welcomed the presence of her brothers, until their amoral outlook on life and fame as violent mercenaries began to catch up with them, and she bade them leave their sister to her, forbidding them to meet with her more. Their departure saddened Eiba, who still has brief, distant daydreams, sometimes causing spontaneous giggles, sometimes bouts of solemnity as she remembers them, but aside from this, she has forgotten them..<-(Remove one of the period here.) Eventually, Eiba took leave of her tutor,<-(No comma) and stepped outside with no intent to return.

      Weapons
      No weapons (If Eiba doesn't have any weapons on her person, then this section can be removed from the CD entirely as it has become unnecessary because of such. :))

      Belongings
      Whistle and a large bag of clothing and costumes, most of which she rarely uses.


Alright! I didn't find that many problems A few grammatical ones. With any luck, I got them all. Hope I've been helpful and that you have a speedy approval process.

Good luck,
heart ~ Nox ~ heart
« Last Edit: June 13, 2008, 12:42:48 AM by Nox Belle » Logged

Twén Aråerwén
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« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2008, 09:52:05 AM »

Hello Eiba and welcome to Santharia! There are a couple small things I noticed in your history that are going to require some explaining. First thing I noticed was that you have her brothers learning the hobbit way of life then say they were trained in weapons. The hobbits are not a warlike people and being trained with weapons is a wee-bit odd for them, especially for two of them to be trained. Why? Secondly you have the youngest brother running off to be trained at Ximax. Ximax is not a cheap place for an education and as it seems the family is not overly rich, I don't see how this happens. A young hobbit jaunting off on his own to merely join up for a formal education would never have the finances needed for such an endeavor.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen
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•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2008, 11:59:25 AM »

Also, Elenveran isn't a tribe of hobbits, it is more like 'hobbiton'. They aren't their own tribe, but live outside of the realms of their tribes, hence the different name.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Eiba
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« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2008, 04:05:30 PM »

I think I made edits answering half of your concerns, Twen. I worked it out as best I could with Kalina; I'm willing and wishing to hear your thoughts on how the edit works so far. Sorry I'm not devoting as much time as I should here. I get good and started just when everything unloads on me. Not just Santharia.

More lime in the first post! I should remove some old lime, I think.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2008, 02:15:44 PM by Eiba » Logged

Eiba
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« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2008, 12:42:42 PM »

Twen! I finished the bit about the brothers. I know it isn't what you want, I can already predict as much, but look at it and we can find out where to go from here. Also, Eek, I swear I'm getting to your suggested edits. I really am!
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Eiba
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« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2008, 11:30:05 AM »

I've done it! I think I answered everybody's comments, so far. More lime at the end of the History section!
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Hylphán
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« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2008, 05:45:39 PM »

Hello Eiba,
    Just a quick read through, looks good from a grammar and spelling viewpoint... just one thing:
      Belongings
      Whistle and a
Large bag of clothing and costumes, most of which she rarely uses.
I think this might be what you meant...

Overall, it looks fairly well written, make sure you take the CD moderators words to heart, they are only trying to help get you up and playing...  I know they had fun with my CD...took a while to get the final thumbs-up.
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Hylphán's CD
Eiba
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« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2008, 09:01:30 AM »

Thanks for noticing that, Hylph! I've changed it, but no new lime.
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2008, 10:49:44 AM »

Alrighty, I didn't see anything major, and everything had been dealt with which had been brought up.

My only suggestion would to go through it for grammar, as my skin prickled a bit while reading it, but I don't have the time and go through it with a comb for you. It is legible.

~First Approval~
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
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« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2008, 11:13:23 AM »

~Second approval~ I'll give you a chance to do as Kalina mentioned before titling and archiving this character. Once you are happy, please feel free to PM me that you are finished.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: June 24, 2008, 11:15:43 AM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged

•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
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