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Author Topic: Belyan Cuivizanel, Eophyrhim/Kuglimz-Helvet'ine, Forlorn Lady  (Read 6770 times)
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Twn Arerwn
Death's Mistress
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Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2008, 06:57:56 AM »

Hello Belyan and welcome to Santharia! My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange

My first comment is only minor and easily addressed. In the personality section you use the word 'genes', genetics are unknown in these times and usage of such words should be avoided.

Strengths:
Affinity to plants: Her devotion to anything herbal has bestowed her with a rather supernatural memory of all plants she has ever read about. She almost certainly can identify any plant she sees and has precisely memorized their effects. This is a nicely defined strength although using the word 'any' for the plants she would know on sight is a bit much. Even the library of Sarvonia does not have such accurate knowledge of every plant in the world. Possibly mentioning areas she is well versed in this strength would be more reasonable? No singular person in the world knows every plant on a worldwide spectrum.

Throwing daggers: After more than three decades of practicing to throwing daggers after her first encounter with the vagabond, Belyan has acquired a masterly skill at throwing short, light daggers. The only addition I would like to see here is the range she is effective with these. With thirty years of practice in their use I am sure she is quite good with them. There are a few knife throwers on Santharia and most of them have approximately 20-25 Peds as their maximum range.

Keen-eyed: Her Elven heritage and her roaming in forests for hours through the night have made her eyes more than sharp: She can see better than average humans in the dark and can identify the slightest details, which particularly helps her to distinguish herbs. Moreover, in connection with her high dexterity,<--If she is more dexterous than the average person, this should be listed as its own strength. this skill has a positive spill-over effect on her over-all activitiessuch as throwing daggers.

High adaptability: She hardly forgets anything she has ever read or learned. This skill significantly helped her to quickly advance in her studies, particularly memorizing unfathomable numbers of different plants and herbs. This skill has also impacts on other abilities she has learned, such as mixing potions, weaving, embroideryand throwing daggers.<--Mixing potions, weaving and embroidery are their own strengths and should be listed as such. The average peasant does not possess these skills and your character is weighed against the average person.

She can speak, read and write Styrash although she would never show that in public. This skill is reserved when she meets her people.

Wealthy: Her well-going business and her loyal son who never forgets to send her money has made her a somewhat comfortable person. She usually does not have financial problems and is able to purchase whatever she wants.

Weaknesses:
Ritual person: While this may seem to be rather an eccentricity than a weakness, her commitment to certain rituals has significant ramifications on her life: For instance, she can only fall asleep with the first twitter of the birds in a locked room and she has to be woken up exactly one hour before noon. If this does not happen, she either does not sleep at all, becomes obnoxious and unfocussed,<--unfocused or, mostly, both. If the above mentioned nutrition requirements can not be met, the same effects occur. Same is true for unwashed cloths, malodour in general and lack of alcohol (see below) not to mention her special days.

Alcoholic: Although she would never admit, she is an alcoholic par excellence. She needs at least a bottle of her favourite vintage wine before she goes to bed. If she can not drink at all or even worse has to drink alcohol which is beneath her, she becomes first obnoxious and then unfocussed.<--unfocused Although she manages to control her drinking habits while she delves herself into her studies (her only superior addiction), and knows exactly how much to drink in order to perform inconspicuously and precise, she sometimes crosses the line. This occasionally, though not often, has a negative spill-over effect on her over-all activities such as mixing potions, weaving, embroideryor throwing daggers.

Light sensitivity: This Darkelven heritage of hers lets her avoid the sun or other sources of lurid lights whenever she can. Although she awakes one hour before noon, she would never leave the protection of walls before late afternoon unless the weather is overclouded. In lurid light, her keen eyesight decreases significantly and she has severe problems to see remotely. Her umbrella and a dark veil are her only protection during the daylight particularly onerous in the summer.

Migraine: Once or twice a month, Belyan suffers massive headaches which pin her to her bed, darkness, and maybe a sip or two out of her preferred vintage wine. Although she always carries some pain-killing and relieving herbs and plants, she will never completely free herself from considerable pain.

Low stamina: Although she can wander for hours through forests, she can do so only because she often rests to admire a rare plant or feel a beloved tree. She quickly looses<--loses her endurance during long and exhaustive travels, becoming, at the best, obnoxious.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: June 24, 2008, 06:58:39 AM by Twn Arerwn » Logged

The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Belyan Cuivizanel
Forlorn Lady Commenter
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Half-Elf, Eophyrhim/ Kuglimz


« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2008, 10:04:37 PM »

Hey Twn, thanks a lot for your comments. I've changed everything you suggested and marked them in red - except grammar mistakes and typos.

I decided to remove "mixing potions" as well as "high dexterity" from her strengths but added a "handicraft" which is a rather "weak" strength since it will not be used often by her. I hope this will not make it necessary for me to add another weakness to Belyan.

As you and other mods and admins will see, I changed her "throwing dagger" strength to add maximum range and provide her with two different throwing techniques. I hope this is alright and her overall CD is fine as well.

Belyan
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"I'm so tired! Rina, would you pass me a glass of wine, darling?"
Belyan Cuivizanel
Twn Arerwn
Death's Mistress
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Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2008, 07:51:20 AM »

Hello again Belyan! I have only a few minor concerns with what you now have, though I do not see an approval far off for you. With three pets and a personal assistant (Rina), both of these should be listed as strengths considering they assist your character in everyday situations. With the addition of these to the Strengths section I would like to see the addition of another moderate weakness to offset these a bit. Other than that .... "Everything looks fantastic!" From my standpoint anyhow.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
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The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Belyan Cuivizanel
Forlorn Lady Commenter
Approved Character
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Posts: 163


Half-Elf, Eophyrhim/ Kuglimz


« Reply #18 on: June 27, 2008, 09:23:03 AM »

Hello Twn. Thanks again a lot for your patience to read over my CD and your comments. As you can see, I've added two strengths (Rina, Rimrunners) and one weakness (Inattentiveness), and marked them in red.

The very moment you suggested to add another weakness, a perfect idea for Belyan came into my mind. Although this is the most severe weakness she has, with sometimes considerable effects, I have no doubt that this will also be the most fun to play! I can't wait!

Belyan
« Last Edit: June 27, 2008, 09:24:45 AM by Belyan Cuivizanel » Logged

"I'm so tired! Rina, would you pass me a glass of wine, darling?"
Belyan Cuivizanel
Twn Arerwn
Death's Mistress
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Gender: Female
Posts: 4928


Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2008, 09:40:24 AM »

~First Approval~
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The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Belyan Cuivizanel
Forlorn Lady Commenter
Approved Character
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Posts: 163


Half-Elf, Eophyrhim/ Kuglimz


« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2008, 05:44:55 PM »

YAY! Thx!
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"I'm so tired! Rina, would you pass me a glass of wine, darling?"
Belyan Cuivizanel
Kalna Dal'isyrs
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High Elf, Karrhem


« Reply #21 on: June 29, 2008, 11:18:13 PM »

Second approval and title! I went ahead and removed the color myself.

Have a great RPing experience!
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
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