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Author Topic: Cev Xendru ~ Korweynite ~ Servant For Hire  (Read 5446 times)
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Cev
Broken Spirit
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« on: June 16, 2008, 01:23:12 PM »


PRIMARY


Name: Cevala (Cev) Xendru
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Race: Human
Tribe: Korweynite
Occupation: Servant For Hire (hired hand)
Title: A Broken Spirit

Character Portrait:



Appearance

Hair: Chocolate brown, chest length, and loose, curly hair.
Eyes: Ordinary brown. (A thin ring of gray circumferences the pupil)
Skin Color: Fair
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 6 nailsbredths
Weight: 1 pygge, 2 hebs, 2 ods
Body Type: Average/Slim

Cevala was neither gifted with beauty, nor cursed with an asymmetrical face, yet she never truly stood out in the crowd. Rich brown hair falls about her delicate face, summed up in a visually pleasing combination of hard and soft features. A small but prominent jawline gives her the appearance of fragility compared with her glasslike cheeks and luscious eyelashes. Her lips are rather plain, yet maintain a healthy color and in many ways make her face more endearing. Small ears and a nose do not help much to counterpose the appearance of frailty and delicacy, which match her rather small frame. Cevala rarely puts her hair up, or applies makeup of any sort, finding that the more natural she looks, the more likely she is to be taken seriously in male dominated societies.

Clothing:

Although not the most ideal for work or travel, Cev often wears a plain, dull and thin but complimenting black dress which has very little lacing and is generally very comfortable. The dress was her mother's before she died, and it is one of Cev's most prized possessions at this point. Up until her fleeing of Bardavos, the dress had hung untouched in her wardrobe, unused. As she was deciding what to bring and what to leave, she realized that she couldn't possibly leave the dress behind. It became her main article of clothing from that point onward. She also wears a pair of dark leather shoes, which go with the dress quite nicely and are good for extended use. Thin wiry pieces of tarnished gold can be found around her wrist, ankle or neck, and were also heirlooms from her mother. The most valuable is an old dirty gold ring, with a small bloodstone atop it, which Cev absolutely never removes.

For the seriously dirty jobs, Cev has a pair of worn leather breeches and a blouse which she usually wears when she gets stuck doing heavy manual labor or something similar would put her dress in serious jeopardy. Under these circumstances she also removes all jewelry except for her bloodstone ring and she usually puts her hair up in a ponytail with a thin leather strap.

Personality

Emotional, curious, adventurous, short-tempered, clumsy, and extroverted, Cev has the perfect combination of personality traits for someone who is always stumbling into trouble, and falling out of it again generally unscathed. Many share the shock that she is still alive by now, and those who know how accident prone she is can only pray for her as she braves the treacherous roads of Caelereth. Fortunately, although her life is more or less ruined, her personality traits fit those of an ever-migrating worker. Life on the road has given Cev a sort of enlightened way of thinking. Things rarely shock her, and if they do, then they are usually far disturbing for anyone else. She treats every new situation with an open mind and a good sense of optimism. Sometimes she may come across as too positive or overly enthusiastic, but in reality she is just harder to phase than most people.

Another side of Cev which is unseen to most but her closest friends, is a dark emotion and depressive state of being. This usually emerges around the anniversary of the death of her brother and her subsequent rape, and then the subsequent murder of the boy responsible. During these dark days, everyone around her looks like the boy who she killed, and she is filled with a double edged emotion of insurmountable guilt, and a lust for vengeance. Although after that unforgettable day, Cev did make a pact never to kill anyone again no matter what, she goes through dark periods where she is tempted by dark emotions.

Strengths:
-For Cev, Wa'ru is probably one of her biggest assets, but also one of her greatest weaknesses. Though having someone around is better than having no one at all, Wa'ru is in fact just a kid, and most of the time hinders her plans just as much as helps. Cev thinks of him as her long lost little brother, though, and wouldn't dream of leaving him for anything in the world. When it comes down to it, Wa'ru is great for the company and to have in a tight spot, however when a situation arises that it's time to be serious, Wa'ru ruins everything. Sometimes Cev gets so frustrated with this that she loses her temper with Wa'ru, but they always reconcile in the end. Wa'ru isn't the best worker, so he doesn't contribute much in the way of the bills, and when he does contribute it is because he has stolen something, in which case Cev and Wa'ru then have other problems to worry about. All in all, having Wa'ru around as a companion is neither a help or a hindrance in general.

-Cev can ride a horse due to the skills she has accumulated over several of her jobs including working as a farmhand in seven different locations, and finally working as a courier between Uderza, Bardavos, and Nyermersys.

-Cev can read some basic Tharian words, though lacks the alphabetical fundamentals and any concept of written structure. She has obtained this skill through working in numerous taverns and inns across southern sarvonia in positions such as bartending, waitressing, and working as an innkeeping assistant.

-Before her mother died, one skill she obtained from her mother was the ability to repair her clothing through sowing. Though she never learned very much in the way of making clothing or had much skill in the area, she has been able to use it to fix clothing, and even stitched a wound together once, however poorly it was done.

-Cev is good with people in all senses of the phrase. She understands how different people think, as well as being able to speak to them on a level at which they will be the most communicative. Although she cannot help but bring emotions into the equation, she can usually use them to her advantage. Often times, Cev is very convincing, and can usually get whatever she needs out of understanding or convinceable people.

-After being on the road for so long, Cev decided that she needed a way to protect herself, so she taught herself basic self defense during breaks, which she meditated upon the best ways of doing so. Her combat skills are rusty and amateur, but widely integrate the use of improvisational weapons from things commonly found anywhere. For example, if something is shaped like a stick or club, Cev can effectively use it as a bludgeon. If something is sharp edged or pointed, she can effectively wield it as a blade or short spear.

Weaknesses:
-Cev has a problem with letting her feelings step in the way of logic and ways to deal with a situation, especially situations with which she may have particularly emotional attachment. Everything that happens must be approached from an emotional angle in Cev's mind, and she gets frustrated when other people don't see it the same way. This is how she identifies with people so well, and if she can't do that, she loses her grip of the situation. Melodrama also tends to cause mood swings which thoroughly bewilder anyone she is in the company of. All in all, her fiery and emotional personality is more a hindrance than help.

-Curiosity is Cev's greatest weakness. If Cev was a cat, she would be dead. Eavesdropping, naivete, and a lust for adventure and being the center of attention all play into her terrible weakness for getting into business that she shouldn't be in. Just speaking up based on things she overheard gets her vicious looks and quickly makes her enemies. Often spur of the moment choices such as following the palace guard who just took a bribe from a guild of assassins gets her into positions she is lucky to be alive from.

-If Cev's stress level becomes too high, she will have a seizure. These seizures can be mild to very severe, and always result in memory loss. The loss can range from several hours of lost memory, to half a day at most of lost memory, depending on her stress level at the time the seizure state was induced. At worst, she can have seizure every couple weeks, but at most she has about every month. When she is on the road, they tend to be more frequent, as the stress is usually much higher. It usually takes Cev several hours to wake up, and once she entered a seizure induced coma for a few days of her youth. When she faints, her eyes roll back into her head, and she begins to spasm uncontrollably. If anything is in her stomach, she regurgitates, and if anything is in her bladder, it doesn't hold.


Belongings

Weapons:
-1 iron dagger, two palmspans in length.

Equipment:
-1 black dress
-1 pair of dark leather shoes
-1 pair of leather breeches
-1 white blouse
-4 pieces of gold jewelry
-2 pairs of gold earrings
-1 gold necklace
-1 gold bloodstone ring
-1 leather backpack

Supplies:
-2 silverbards
-1 copperbard
-1 large pouch of dried herbs, spices, and necessities
-2 large pouches of water
-8 strips of dried and salted meat
-1 medium sized pouch of dried berries
-1 compass
-1 medium sized flint


History

Cevala Xendru was born to two Korweynite parents in the city of Bardavos who had fled Nybelmar in the wake of political upheaval in which they were potentially endangered. During a series of assassinations, her parents fled by boat and reached the coast of western Southern Sarvonia by sea. Eager to move inland, her parents had big cities in mind as the most optimal places to blend in. This was how Cev came to be born in the beautiful city of Bardavos.

Cev's childhood was relatively pleasant and normal.

By the time Cev was thirteen, her mother died from an unknown illness. Her father thought that he could handle it and treat her himself, but it required treatment way beyond his capabilities. The death of her mother had a particularly strong impact on Cev. She took many of the possessions handed down to her and really began to reflect upon her life at that point. Cev's younger brother, Orti, found this both amusing and incredibly confusing, still being at a young enough stage not to truly understand what death was. Her father, however, became withdrawn, and began to drink away the family fortune. Often he would take to beating his children whenever he felt like he was losing control of his life.

By the time Cev was eighteen, she began to work with an older male friend as an entertainer, more for the fun than for the money. She developed an interest in singing and dancing, but never especially shined at either talents. Still, her friend tipped her in on the profits, and Cev felt like she had a place to go. However, her father had developed a new love for alcohol dependency, and as a result, Cev's little brother became a little wild. He became quick to pick fights, and very rash. Cev was dragging him along with her to the market through one of the bad ends of town one day when they encountered some of the older boys with whom Cev's little brother had been fighting. They attacked him in an alleyway and began beating him in front of Cev. She tried to struggle and help her brother, but two of the boy's friends held her against one of the alley walls. Finally after a severe beating which left her brother twitching and nearly unconscious, the boy took out a knife and stabbed Cev's little brother twenty times in the chest and face. Cev screamed and wailed for help, but all of the passersby just ignored the happening, not willing to jump in and fight a gang of kids, and not really caring either way about what was going on. After savoring Cev's screams of anguish, the boys mugged her, raped her, and left her semi conscious on the ground in the middle of the dark alleyway. Nobody even noticed...

Cev was found by her entertainer friend and taken to his house where he nursed her back to health. However, Cev would never again be fully healthy. Once she was able to get back on her feet, she was out the door with a firm goal in mind. She tracked the boy down to his home, where she later sneaked into his bedroom at night and sat on the edge of his bed. He quietly awoke, and stared at her in terror. She calmly leaned over, till her lips just barely brushed his, and then whispered, "This is how it felt to my brother." Then she began relentlessly stabbing the boy with a fury uncharacteristic of her. Between the first few stabs, the boy's screams alerted his parents. They ran into the room and pulled her off of him, but she broke free and fled from the city, but not before she ran home and grabbed some money, supplies, and her mother's heirlooms.

From then on Cev was forced to constantly be on the move in order to stay a step ahead of the law. Also plagued by her feeling of guilt for her vicious revenge-murder, (which had begun within hours after she had comminted her heinous crime), her conscience always kept her on the move. From city to city, town to town, she occupied a wide range of jobs and adopted a wide range of skills.

Cev worked as a courier for a delivery service, quickly gaining the skills necessary to ride a tame and docile horse. She rode from towns to large cities, with her non existant knowledge of Tharian manifesting as it was needed for her to understand the writing on packages. For several years this accommodated her elusive life style, constantly traveling, never staying in one place too long. It was until she was attacked by highway robbers and her hand was broken that she made a living in this way. For the second time in her life she was saved by a kind stranger who helped to set her hand. Though now she could no longer work as a courier, she took up a post in a tavern where she could serve patrons one handed until the wound healed.

After two occasions of the law catching up to her, Cev's paranoia took hold, and she began automatically moving on from each place after a short while. It was in travelling to the desert city of Uderza that she met Wa'ru, and her life was impacted once again.




COMPANION(S)


Name: Wa'ru, son of Mayu'le
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Race: Human
Tribe: Shendar (Shen-Kha'si)
Occupation: Beggar, Thief

Character Portrait:



Appearance

Hair: Obsidian black, short and straight.
Eyes: Grey-green
Skin Color: Light brown
Height: 1 ped, 1 fore, 3 palmspans, 1 nailsbreadth
Weight: 1 pygge, 1 hafeb, 3 ods
Body Type: Athletic/Muscular

Wa'ru is a slender, athletic, and well built boy, slightly darker in complexion than that of the traditional Shen-Kha'si, but very healthy and well rounded. It is obvious that Wa'ru is a boy in the primary stages of adolescence, as his body has begun to grow and mature, yet his spirit is still rather youthful. Equipped with an irresistible smile, it is hard to stay mad at Wa'ru for his boyish antics. His eyes are so captivating in green and grayish hues, that it is easy for one to get lost in them. Young, thick muscles cover his arms, legs, chest, and back. Very little fat can be found on his slender yet solid body. These are probably all advantages of the healthy Shendar lifestyle, coupled with Wa'ru's passion for playing and successfully dominating at the Sjeibett game.

Clothing:

Wa'ru typically wears wide trousers and a short sleeved shirt, both raw white and made from the shell of the toccon seed, as is traditional with the Shendar, along with a pair of sandals. Also, is a pair of undershorts made from the same fluffy material. He also has a dark blue tunica and belt with which to wear while traveling or in the cold. Often times while working, Wa'ru will not wear the shirt, and tuck it into his trousers, especially with the hot noonday suns in Southern Sarvonia. The belt that he typically always wears, does not really hold up his trousers, but instead holds small pouches which act as pockets, and can carry large sacks for long distance travel. The only jewelry that Wa'ru still possesses is a thin silver chain which he always keeps around his neck.


Personality

Wa'ru is an incredibly resilient soul, and anyone who became acquaintances with him would never suspect his troubled past. Those who have known him for a bit longer see small discrepancies in his behavior unusual for a boy his age. He absolutely detests bigots and those with prejudices against anyone else, and he adamantly tries to avoid any and all Shendar people he encounters on the road. Because he does not like to sit down and think things through, he's often too fast for Cev.

Strengths:
-Ever since he could walk, he was running with the bigger kids, playing disc and causing mischief with his sling. Ten years of constant use with his sling has trained Wa'ru's accuracy to incredible degrees. He can hit a target accurately at fifteen peds, and large targets much farther than that. With the skill he possesses, Wa'ru is deadly with his sling used both as a missile and as a rope weapon.

-Wa'ru has a good gut feeling and intuition, for when it comes to those moments that Cev tries to make a rash move. Usually his first impression is right on the money, and although Cev enjoys trying to prove him wrong, it is often a rare occasion. Quick thinking has gotten Wa'ru out of a great many tough spots.

Weaknesses:
-When it comes to the way the world works, Wa'ru is about as naive as children go. Some may confuse his lack of concern for optimism, but in truth Wa'ru just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that things won't just fall into his life if he wants it bad enough. Things are much different outside his tiny little tribe, and Wa'ru is in for a rude awakening in understanding that.

-Wa'ru is not the brightest child. Whenever he is right, it usually is due to his sharp intuition, not his intelligence level. He never excelled academically, or had the opportunities to gain experience in any particular work field. Wa'ru has great difficulty with higher level and critical thinking, and he usually goes off a hunch or whim rather than put time or effort into trying to solve a problem.

-Wa'ru is often self-enthralled and seemingly spoiled for a child who grew up in a life such as his. Close family members can only describe his sharp polar mood swings as mania, and have never really found a way to keep him balanced. One minute, Wa'ru can be skipping merrily, and in the next he will be ready to burst into tears. Though Cev seems to understand and accommodate him more than others, Wa'ru is an incredibly difficult person for anybody else to be near, especially for extended periods of time. This causes great difficulty in bringing Wa'ru through public areas during one of his fits.


Belongings

Weapons:
-1 fine leather sling.

Equipment:
-1 white short sleeved shirt
-1 pair of sandals
-1 pair of white trousers
-1 belt
-1 blue tunica
-1 silver chain necklace
-1 leather backpack

Supplies:
-1 copperbard
-1 large canteen of water
-3 pouches of snake meat and berry pies
-1 small pouch filled with Shendar beads


History

From the perception of the onlooker, Wa'ru lived the dream life of a Shendar child. His parents were wealthy, with his mother being a mid level government official, and his father being a noble warrior. School came after fun, which came after mischief, or maybe it was the other way around... but he always seemed to be a favorite with the teachers anyway. He was funny, cute, and athletic (most of the time being champion of the Disc field), and the aspiration of all (or most of) his male peers.

It was around this time in his life that Wa'ru discovered his Aj', Nay'oba, and soulmate. Though Wa'ru had been slightly younger than the average Shendar child when he first met Nay'oba and gone out into the plains to woo him, the bond he created with Nay'oba was recognized as intense for such a new budding relationship. Wa'ru's uncle even said himself that Wa'ru and Nay'oba seemed to have a connection far deeper than any of his peers, and even those far beyond them in years. Perhaps this connection was intensified by the amount of focus on the two friends, as Wa'ru still had found no mate of the same gender, and was being pressured by the females of the tribe to consider their daughters.

Though life appeared wonderful for Wa'ru on the surface, he did have to cope with what he felt was a great difficulty. As Wa'ru neared manhood, he felt more and more attracted to his male peers each day, and in turn less to the females of his tribe. The day he opened up to his best and closest friend about it was the happiest day of his life. Unfortunately, it was also the day that events were set in motion towards a dark destiny for young Wa'ru. His friend was shocked but considerate and kind hearted towards Wa'ru's deep confession. He would be the first one to confess that it took him several days to get over the shock of hearing the words from Wa'ru's mouth, but in many ways it was a relief. Also, it made him begin questioning his own feelings, and it made him wonder about what Wa'ru's true feelings towards him were.


One night, Wa'ru was getting fed up with these pressures, coupled with the thirst for adventure of what lay beyond the safety of his tribe, and an urge to search for his true love. That night, Wa'ru heard a scuffle outside the dome. His family did not seem to be aware of it, so instead of awakening them Wa'ru went to investigate. As he emerged from the dome, he was startled to find a massive group of people travelling relatively quietly through the village. At once, Wa'ru recognized them from the stories as the Black Butterfly Rovers. They were moving so quickly that within seconds they had passed through. It was then that Wa'ru realized in horror that Nay'oba, his Aj, was lying dead in the sand, blood pooling into his sandals. Wa'ru didn't know who or why, but the Black Butterfly Rovers were going to pay for the accident dearly some day.

In the heat of passion, Wa'ru decided that he wasn't going to take it anymore. He wasn't going to sit in his village and suffer while the world held so many possibilities. He needed an outlet... something to end his pain. That night, Wa'ru gathered his things and fled to the big city Uderza as an orphan... as a street child. It was here that he ran into the big sister he never had..: Cevala.

Life on the streets was rough and rigorous. Wa'ru quickly found that making an honest living was a near impossibility, and that soon some of his integrity would have to be sacrificed. He turned to a life of crime within weeks, and began learning how to steal, pick pocket, and con. Although he never developed a mastery of the thieving arts, these useful skill put bread and milk in his stomach, so it was acceptable. Unfortunately, Wa'ru quickly found himself in trouble with a gang of underground pickpockets who worked the streets of Uderza. They claimed ownership to all central pick pocketting streets, and demanded tribute from him in addition for operating on their turf.

Wa'ru agreed to the deal, but the outlying streets were poorer and highly unpopulated. He quickly ran out of enough money to feed himself. Out of desperation, he hit the central marketplace, raking in quite the haul. As he was making his final hit that day, the woman he bumped into noticed her sacks were missing, and begin to give chase. Terrified, Wa'ru sped into one of the back alleys where he ran into the pickpocket gang. They asked him where he found the purse, and then began beating him mercilessly and stomping him into the dirt. The woman rounded the corner to see this taking place. "Hey! That's quite enough!" she yelled, feeling compassion for Wa'ru, remembering the time she had been the victim of a gang, and no one had the courage to stand up or say anything. One of the orphan girls gave him one final stomp in the face before fleeing with the rest of the gang.

Cev trotted over to Wa'ru and picked up her purse. Even though he had stolen from her, the sight of his mangled and ghastly body moved her tremendously. She heaved him up and dragged him through the city's alleyways to the closest healer where she left him, and gave the healer several sans. She booked a room at a cheap in where she was working for a short while, and checked on him everyday for the next few weeks until he became healthy. As Wa'ru was getting back to physical health, they shared each other's stories, and connected on a deep level. Both were runaways, both were rejects, and both were alone. It was no surprise that once Wa'ru was completely recovered, he requested to travel with Cev. She, of course, agreed.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2008, 10:45:09 AM by Cev » Logged

Cev
Broken Spirit
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« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2008, 11:52:45 AM »

Hello my fellow Santharians!~

I hope things are well with you all...

Just letting you know my CD is finished, so if you have time I would greatly appreciate a lookover or two!

So yes, thanks in advance. :D

~Cev
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Simonne Miller
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Posts: 2454


Human, Caltharian


« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2008, 08:05:35 PM »

Comments will be in teal. I'm concentrating on Cevala, but I have notified Talia that there is also a Shendar CD here, so she will look at Waru when she has some time :)

Name: Cevala (Cev) Xendru
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Race: Human
Tribe: Korweynite
Occupation: Migrant Worker
Title: The Slave of A New Dawn This title *might* be a tad long. I'm not sure though, but you might think of a shorter title just in case.

Appearance

Hair: Chocolate brown, chest length, and loose, curly hair.
Eyes: Ordinary brown. (A thin ring of gray circumferences the pupil)
Skin Color: Fair
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 6 nailsbredths
Weight: 1 pygge, 2 hebs, 2 ods
Body Type: Average/Slim

Cevala was neither gifted with beauty, nor cursed with an assymetrical face, yet she never truly stood out in the crowd. Rich brown hair falls about her delicate face, summed up in a visually pleasing combination of hard and soft features. A small but prominent jawline gives her the appearance of fragility compared with her glasslike cheeks and lucious luscious? I can't find lucious in my dictionary. eyelashes. Her lips are rather plain, yet maintain a healthy color and in many ways make her face more endearing. Small ears and a nose do not help much with the appearance of delicacy, which match her rather small frame. isn't delicate often the same as small? So why don't small ears and nose help that? Cevala rarely puts her hair up, or applies makeup of any sort, finding that the more natural she looks, the more likely she is to be taken seriously in male dominated societies.

Clothing:

Although not the most ideal for work or travel, Cev often wears a plain, dull and thin but complimenting black dress which has very little lacing and is generally very comfortable. The dress was her mother's before she died, and it is one of Cev's most prized possessions at this point. Cev was 14 when her mother died, she is now 25. That's 11 years of, apparently, constant wear. Isn't this dress threadbare by now? Even just 1 or 2 years can make clothes look prett worn out. She also wears a pair of dark leather shoes, which go with the dress quite nicely and are good for extended use. Thin wiry pieces of tarnished gold can be found around her wrist, ankle, no comma or neck, and were also heirlooms from her mother. The most valuable is an old dirty gold ring, with a small bloodstone atop it, which Cev absolutely never removes.

For the seriously dirty jobs, Cev has a pair of worn leather breeches and a blouse which she usually wears when she gets stuck doing heavy manual labor or something similar would put her dress in serious jeopardy. Under these circumstances she also removes all jewelry except for her bloodstone ring and she usually puts her hair up in a ponytail with a thin leather strap.


Personality

Emotional, curious, adventurous, short-tempered, clumsy, and extroverted, Cev has the perfect combination of personality traits for someone who is always stumbling into trouble, and falling out of it again generally unscathed. Many share the shock that she is still alive by now, and those who know how accident prone she is can only pray for her as she braves the treacherous roads of Caelereth. Fortunately, although her life is more or less ruined, her personality traits fit those of an ever-migrating worker. Life on the road has given Cev a sort of enlightened way of thinking. Things rarely shock her, and if they do, then they are usually far disturbing for anyone else. She treats every new situation with an open mind and a good sense of optimism. Sometimes she may come across as too positive or overly enthusiastic, but in reality she is just harder to phase than most people.

Another side of Cev which is unseen to most but her closest friends, is a dark emotion and depressive state of being. This usually emerges around the anniversy of the death of her brother and her subsequent rape, and then the subsequent murder of the boy responsible. During these dark days, everyone around her looks like the boy who she killed, and she is filled with a double edged emotion of insurpassable guilt, and a lust for vengeance. Although after that unforgettable day, Cev did make a pact never to kill anyone again no matter what, she goes through dark periods where she is tempted by dark emotions.

Strengths:
-Cev's experience with many different varieties of jobs gives her many useful and useless skills with which to use which she can use? in times of dire necessity. She can ride a horse, read a little bit of necessary words, sow, farm, mine, and even hunt a little bit. Due to never truly immersing herself in a career path, Cev finds herself with numerous second-rate skills, and a dozen other people more qualified to take the job than her. However, whenever money runs low, there is always another way to find income.

-Cev is good with people in all senses of the phrase. She understands how different people think, as well as being able to speak to them on a level at which they will be the most communicative. Although she cannot help but bring emotions into the equation, she can usually use them to her advantage. Often times, Cev is very convincing, and can usually get whatever she needs out of undersanding or convinceable people.

-After being on the road for so long, Cev decided that she needed a way to protect herself, so she taught herself basic self defense during breaks, which she meditated upon the best ways of doing so. Her combat skills are rusty and amateur, but widely integrate the use of improvisational weapons from things commonly found anywhere. Could you give some examples?

Weaknesses:
-Cev has a problem with letting her feelings step in the way of logic and ways to deal with a situation in which she is emotionally involved.The way you formulate this sentence, it sounds like she doesn't let her feelings step in the way, while her problem is that she does. Suggestion: 'Cev often lets her feelings step in the way of logic' Everything that happens must be approached at from an emotional angle in Cev's mind, and she gets frustrated when other people don't see it the same way. Melodrama also tends to cause mood swings which thoroughly bewilder anyone she is in the company of. All in all, her fiery and emotional personality is less of a help than it is a hinderance. I'd change the word order here: 'is more of a hindrance than a help'

-Curiosity is Cev's greatest weakness. If Cev was a cat, she would be dead. Eavesdropping, naivete, and a lust for adventure and being the center of attention all play into her terrible weakness for getting into business that she shouldn't be into in. Just speaking up based on things she overheard gets her vicious looks and quickly makes her enemies. Often spur of the moment choices such as following the palace guard who just took a bribe from a guild of assassins gets her into positions she is lucky to be alive from.

-If Cev's stress level becomes too high, she will have a seizure. These seizures can be mild to very severe, and always result in memory loss. The loss can range from several hours of lost memory, to several weeks of lost memory, depending on her stress level at the time the seizure state was induced. At worst, she can have two to three seizures a month, or one extreme one which results in death. I'd just mention the frequency, and not that second part about her death - that hasn't happened yet, so you don't need to include it ;) It usually takes Cev several hours to wake up, and she's even entered a coma for several days once before.



Belongings

Weapons:
-1 iron dagger, two palmspans in length.

Equipment:
-1 black dress
-1 pair of dark leather shoes
-1 pair of leather breeches
-1 white blouse
-4 pieces of gold jewelry
-2 pieces of gold earrings is that four earrings or two earrings?
-1 gold necklace
-1 gold bloodstone ring
-1 leather backpack

Supplies:
-2 silverbards
-1 copperbard
-1 large pouch of dried herbs, spices, and necessities
-2 large pouches of water
-8 strips of dried and salted meat
-1 medium sized pouch of dried berries
-1 compass
-1 medium sized flint



History

Cevala Xendru was born to two Korweynite parents in the city of Bardavos who had fled Nybelmar in the wake of political upheaval in which they were potentially endangered. During a series of assassinations, her parents fled by boat and reached the coast of western Southern Sarvonia by sea. Eager to move inland, her parents had big cities within their sights 'in mind', perhaps? as the most optimal places to blend in. This was how Cev came to be born in the beautiful city of Bardavos.

By the time Cev was fourteen, her mother died from an unknown illness. Her father suspected that it was probably something unique to Korweynites, however he was unable to alert the doctor of this, out of the old fear of being discovered. the chance that Southern Sarvonian healers (doctor might be too modern a word) know of Korweynites is *pretty* small. For most normal inhabitants of this continent, Nybelmar is no more than a very vague rumour, so they won't know. And even if they'd heard of the tribe, they couldn't possibly know that these two people were opponents of a political regime fifteen years ago. Uhm... yeah, all this just to say that it's not really believable that telling the healers that they're Korweynites will get them discovered. The death of her mother had a particularly strong impact on Cev. She took many of the possessions handed down to her and really began to reflect upon her life at that point. Cev's younger brother found this both amusing and incredibly confusing, still being at a young enough stage not to truly understand what death was.

By the time Cev was eighteen, she began to work with an older friend as an entertainer, more for the fun than for the money. She developed an interest in singing and dancing, but never especially shined at either talents. Still, her friend tipped her in on the profits, and Cev felt like she had a place to go. However, her father had developed a new love for alcohol dependency, and as a result, Cev's little brother became a little wild. He became quick to pick fights, and very rash. Cev was dragging him along with her to the market one day when they encountered some of the older boys with whom Cev's little brother had been fighting with. They attacked him in an alleyway and began beating him in front of Cev. She tried to struggle and help her brother, but two of the boy's friends held her against one of the alley walls. Finally after a severe beating which left her brother twitching and nearly unconscious, the boy took out a knife and stabbed Cev's little brother twenty times in the chest and face. All this ruccus going on and nobody came to look what was happening? o.O After savoring Cev's screams of anguish, the boys mugged her, raped her, and left her semi conscious on the ground in the middle of the dark alleyway.

Cev was found by her entertainer friend and taken to his house where he nursed her back to health. oh, it's a guy? You might want to make that clearer when you first mention the entertainer friend. I thought it was a woman ;) However, Cev would never again be fully healthy. Once she was able to get back on her feet, she was out the door with a firm goal in mind. She tracked the boy down to his home, where she later snuck into his bedroom at night and sat on the edge of his bed. He quietly awoke, and stared at her in terror. She calmly leaned over, till her lips just barely brushed his, and then whispered, "This is how it felt to my brother." Then she began relentlessly stabbing the boy with a fury uncharacteristic of her. Between the first few stabs, the boy's screams alterted alerted his parents. They ran into the room and pulled her off of him, but she broke free and fled from the city.

From then on Cev was forced to constantly be on the move in order to stay a step ahead of the law. Also plagued by her feeling of guilt for her vicious revenge-murder, You might want to mention when she first started feeling this guilt. She doesn't seem to feel it yet when she flees, so when does it start? her conscience always kept her on the move. From city to city, town to town, she occupied a wide range of jobs and adopted a wide range of skills. Every once in awhile the law would catch up to her, and she would have to flee again. It was in travelling to the desert city of Uderza that she met Waru, and her life was impacted once again. Hmm... The problem is that in a medieval- like society, criminals aren't hunted down *quite* as relentlessly as nowadays, certainly not if the crime was committed against a 'lesser' (thus, not quite so rich) person. So how does the law catch up to her? If I were you, I'd have her move on because she *thinks* that they're looking for her, not because they actually are.
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« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2008, 08:57:12 AM »

Wow thanks Simonne!

I will get to all of those right away.

One thing,

Luscious (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/luscious) is a word in the dictionary.

However, I DID spell it wrong, so I will have to correct that, but it means;

1 a: having a delicious taste or smell : sweet barchaic : excessively sweet : cloying
2: sexually attractive : seductive, sexy
3 a: richly luxurious or appealing to the senses b: excessively ornate
« Last Edit: June 22, 2008, 09:44:00 AM by Cev & Waru » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2008, 04:15:32 PM »

I know that Luscious is a word. That's why I suggested it. It's the lucious that I couldn't find in the dictionary ;)
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« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2008, 05:32:28 PM »

Hello! *waves*

I had not much time, so I could only go over the second CD very quickly.

My first question: Why are you doing two CDs in one and not two?

Second : I might have not mentioned it directly, but with the given family structures homosexual love would not be regarded as something weird, but accepted as it is.

Please read again society, you can't speak of parents and a boy would not necessarily look upon the "mother-man", but his uncle.

children use the sling, never would a 14 years old boy be able to use a double kilii, sorry, no way you can have one.

perhaps more comments tonight, and look how Shendar names are constructed!

Wa'ru, son of (female name!)

Why is he listed under familiars (?) ;)
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« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2008, 09:04:42 AM »

Simonne: Sorry, I see it now. Thanks :D

Talia: Well they weren't supposed to be two CD's, it was supposed to be Cev, and then her companion. I suppose I should also change the title of "familiar" to "companion" as well... Should I provide less information or something to make Cev's section more prominent? How would be the best way to make it clear that Cev is the character and Waru is the companion?

As to his orientation and society, I did not know that. That actually may fit better to change his story. Although I did read the bits about the Shendar being matriarchal, I could not find much about the family structures and homosexuality. Is there any information you could point out to me or something I overlooked?

Thanks for the heads up though, I will try to rework his background as soon as possible.
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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2008, 09:55:18 PM »

I'd just change Familiar to Companion.  I think the more information the better.  There's no limit on how much you write on an animal, so there shouldn't be one here either.

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« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2008, 01:50:29 PM »

Wow, sorry, these additions were long overdue.

Okay I hope all of these updates are satisfactory, and I'm almost positive I've made every change suggested (and then some).

So yeah, comment away. :D
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« Reply #9 on: August 01, 2008, 06:38:57 PM »

Hello Cev. Good to see you back...I was afraid you'd let this beautiful work rest...Comments are in red.

Name: Cevala (Cev) Xendru
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Race: Human
Tribe: Korweynite
Occupation: Migrant Worker (You should maybe extend this section a bit: what kind of work does she usually do? Migrant workers can be everything from builders to prostitutes: Just give the mods an idea of which works she prefers to do and what she would never do)
Title: The Slave of A New Dawn

Appearance

Hair: Chocolate brown, chest length, and loose, curly hair.
Eyes: Ordinary brown. (A thin ring of gray circumferences the pupil)
Skin Color: Fair
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 6 nailsbredths
Weight: 1 pygge, 2 hebs, 2 ods
Body Type: Average/Slim

Cevala was neither gifted with beauty, nor cursed with an asymmetrical face, yet she never truly stood out in the crowd. Rich brown hair falls about her delicate face, summed up in a visually pleasing combination of hard and soft features. A small but prominent jawline gives her the appearance of fragility compared with her glasslike cheeks and luscious eyelashes. Her lips are rather plain, yet maintain a healthy color and in many ways make her face more endearing. Small ears and a nose do not help much to counterpose the appearance of frailty and delicacy, which match her rather small frame. Cevala rarely puts her hair up, or applies makeup of any sort, finding that the more natural she looks, the more likely she is to be taken seriously in male dominated societies.

Clothing:

Although not the most ideal for work or travel, Cev often wears a plain, dull and thin but complimenting black dress which has very little lacing and is generally very comfortable. The dress was her mother's before she died, and it is one of Cev's most prized possessions at this point. Up until her fleeing of Bardavos, the dress had hung untouched in her wardrobe, unused. As she was deciding what to bring and what to leave, she realized that she couldn't possibly leave the dress behind. It became her main article of clothing from that point onward. She also wears a pair of dark leather shoes, which go with the dress quite nicely and are good for extended use. Thin wiry pieces of tarnished gold can be found around her wrist, ankle or neck, and were also heirlooms from her mother. The most valuable is an old dirty gold ring, with a small bloodstone atop it, which Cev absolutely never removes.

For the seriously dirty jobs, Cev has a pair of worn leather breeches and a blouse which she usually wears when she gets stuck doing heavy manual labor or something similar would put her dress in serious jeopardy. Under these circumstances she also removes all jewelry except for her bloodstone ring and she usually puts her hair up in a ponytail with a thin leather strap.

Personality

Emotional, curious, adventurous, short-tempered, clumsy, and extroverted, Cev has the perfect combination of personality traits for someone who is always stumbling into trouble, and falling out of it again generally unscathed. Many share the shock that she is still alive by now, and those who know how accident prone she is can only pray for her as she braves the treacherous roads of Caelereth. Fortunately, although her life is more or less ruined, her personality traits fit those of an ever-migrating worker. Life on the road has given Cev a sort of enlightened way of thinking. Things rarely shock her, and if they do, then they are usually far disturbing for anyone else. She treats every new situation with an open mind and a good sense of optimism. Sometimes she may come across as too positive or overly enthusiastic, but in reality she is just harder to phase than most people.

Another side of Cev which is unseen to most but her closest friends, is a dark emotion and depressive state of being. This usually emerges around the anniversary of the death of her brother and her subsequent rape, and then the subsequent murder of the boy responsible. During these dark days, everyone around her looks like the boy who she killed, and she is filled with a double edged emotion of in-surpassable guilt, and a lust for vengeance. Although after that unforgettable day, Cev did make a pact never to kill anyone again no matter what, she goes through dark periods where she is tempted by dark emotions.

Strengths:
-Cev's experience with many different varieties of jobs gives her many useful and useless skills with which she can use in times of dire necessity. She can ride a horse, read a little bit of necessary words, sow, farm, mine, and even hunt a little bit. Due to never truly immersing herself in a career path, Cev finds herself with numerous second-rate skills, and a dozen other people more qualified to take the job than her. However, whenever money runs low, there is always another way to find income.
(Although this makes sense, I'd at least put her basic literacy and handicraft skills as seperate skills)

-Cev is good with people in all senses of the phrase. She understands how different people think, as well as being able to speak to them on a level at which they will be the most communicative. Although she cannot help but bring emotions into the equation, she can usually use them to her advantage. Often times, Cev is very convincing, and can usually get whatever she needs out of understanding or convinceable people.

-After being on the road for so long, Cev decided that she needed a way to protect herself, so she taught herself basic self defense during breaks, which she meditated upon the best ways of doing so. Her combat skills are rusty and amateur, but widely integrate the use of improvisational weapons from things commonly found anywhere. For example, if something is (shaped like a) stick or club shaped, Cev can effectively use it as a bludgeon. If something is sharp edged or pointed, she can effectively wield it as a blade or short spear.

Weaknesses:
-Cev has a problem with letting her feelings step in the way of logic and ways to deal with a situation, especially situations with which she may have particularly emotional attachment. Everything that happens must be approached from an emotional angle in Cev's mind, and she gets frustrated when other people don't see it the same way. Melodrama also tends to cause mood swings which thoroughly bewilder anyone she is in the company of. All in all, her fiery and emotional personality is more a hindrance than help.

-Curiosity is Cev's greatest weakness. If Cev was a cat, she would be dead. Eavesdropping, naivete, and a lust for adventure and being the center of attention all play into her terrible weakness for getting into business that she shouldn't be in. Just speaking up based on things she overheard gets her vicious looks and quickly makes her enemies. Often spur of the moment choices such as following the palace guard who just took a bribe from a guild of assassins gets her into positions she is lucky to be alive from.

-If Cev's stress level becomes too high, she will have a seizure. These seizures can be mild to very severe, and always result in memory loss. The loss can range from several hours of lost memory, to several weeks of lost memory, depending on her stress level at the time the seizure state was induced. At worst, she can have two to three seizures a month. It usually takes Cev several hours to wake up, and she's even entered a coma for several days once before.

(This is a fantastic weakness  Thumb up! However, I think it is too strong to be realistic: E.g., memory losses of several weeks and even a coma would leave her dead in a medieval world: Leave it with several hours of memory loss and unconsciousness for a few hours. This will be severe enough!)

Belongings

Weapons:
-1 iron dagger, two palmspans in length.

Equipment:
-1 black dress
-1 pair of dark leather shoes
-1 pair of leather breeches
-1 white blouse
-4 pieces of gold jewelry
-2 pairs of gold earrings
-1 gold necklace
-1 gold bloodstone ring
-1 leather backpack

Supplies:
-2 silverbards
-1 copperbard
-1 large pouch of dried herbs, spices, and necessities
-2 large pouches of water
-8 strips of dried and salted meat
-1 medium sized pouch of dried berries
-1 compass
-1 medium sized flint


History

Cevala Xendru was born to two Korweynite parents in the city of Bardavos who had fled Nybelmar in the wake of political upheaval in which they were potentially endangered. During a series of assassinations, her parents fled by boat and reached the coast of western Southern Sarvonia by sea. Eager to move inland, her parents had big cities in mind as the most optimal places to blend in. This was how Cev came to be born in the beautiful city of Bardavos.

(Maybe you should add one or two short sentences to fill the gap of 14 years of her life. I guess her parents had some sort of job and maybe taught Cev how to read and write? Also you should explain briefly why they were so affluent.)


By the time Cev was fourteen, her mother died from an unknown illness. Her father thought that he could handle it and treat her himself, but it required treatment way out of his capabilities. The death of her mother had a particularly strong impact on Cev. She took many of the possessions handed down to her and really began to reflect upon her life at that point. Cev's younger brother (what was his name?) found this both amusing and incredibly confusing, still being at a young enough stage not to truly understand what death was. Her father, however, became withdrawn, and began to drink away the family fortune. Often he would take to beating his children whenever he felt like he was losing control of his life.

By the time Cev was eighteen, she began to work with an older male friend as an entertainer, more for the fun than for the money. She developed an interest in singing and dancing, but never especially shined at either talents. Still, her friend tipped her in on the profits, and Cev felt like she had a place to go. However, her father had developed a new love for alcohol dependency, and as a result, Cev's little brother became a little wild. He became quick to pick fights, and very rash. Cev was dragging him along with her to the market one day when they encountered some of the older boys with whom Cev's little brother had been fighting. They attacked him in an alleyway and began beating him in front of Cev. She tried to struggle and help her brother, but two of the boy's friends held her against one of the alley walls. Finally after a severe beating which left her brother twitching and nearly unconscious, the boy took out a knife and stabbed Cev's little brother twenty times in the chest and face. Cev screamed and wailed for help, but all of the passerby stopped and stared, not willing to jump in and fight a gang of kids all by themselves. After savoring Cev's screams of anguish, the boys mugged her, raped her, and left her semi conscious on the ground in the middle of the dark alleyway. (While all the passerbies were watching?)

Cev was found by her entertainer friend and taken to his house where he nursed her back to health. However, Cev would never again be fully healthy. Once she was able to get back on her feet, she was out the door with a firm goal in mind. She tracked the boy down to his home, where she later snuck into his bedroom at night and sat on the edge of his bed. He quietly awoke, and stared at her in terror. She calmly leaned over, till her lips just barely brushed his, and then whispered, "This is how it felt to my brother." Then she began relentlessly stabbing the boy with a fury uncharacteristic of her. Between the first few stabs, the boy's screams alerted his parents. They ran into the room and pulled her off of him, but she broke free and fled from the city.

From then on Cev was forced to constantly be on the move in order to stay a step ahead of the law. Also plagued by her feeling of guilt for her vicious revenge-murder, (which had begun within hours after she had comminted her heinous crime), her conscience always kept her on the move. From city to city, town to town, she occupied a wide range of jobs and adopted a wide range of skills. After two occasions of the law catching up to her, Cev's paranoia took hold, and she began automatically moving on from each place after a short while. It was in travelling to the desert city of Uderza that she met Waru, and her life was impacted once again.

(Maybe you should just add one short sentence saying that she went home, took her mother's heirlooms, the dress and all the money she could find.)


COMPANION(S)

Name: Wa'ru, son of Mayu'le
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Race: Human
Tribe: Shendar (Shen-Kha'si)
Occupation: Wanderer (Well, this is not exactly a profitable occupation, is it?  grin You should briefly explain how he earns money)

Appearance

Hair: Obsidian black, short and straight.
Eyes: Grey-green
Skin Color: Light brown
Height: 1 ped, 1 fore, 3 palmspans, 1 nailsbreadth
Weight: 1 pygge, 1 hafeb, 3 ods
Body Type: Athletic/Muscular

Waru is a slender, athletic, and well built boy, slightly darker in complexion than that of the traditional Shen-Kha'si, but very healthy and well rounded. It is obvious that Waru is a boy in the primary stages of adolescence, as his body has begun to grow and mature, yet his spirit is still rather youthful. Equipped with an irresistible smile, it is hard to stay mad at Waru for his boyish antics. His eyes are so captivating in green and grayish hues, that it is easy for one to get lost in them. Young, thick muscles cover his arms, legs, chest, and back. Very little fat can be found on his slender yet solid body. These are probably all advantages of the healthy Shendar lifestyle, coupled with Waru's passion for playing and successfully dominating at the Sjeibett game.

Clothing:

Waru typically wears wide trousers and a short sleeved shirt, both raw white and made from the shell of the toccon seed, as is traditional with the Shendar, along with a pair of sandals. Also, is a pair of undershorts made from the same fluffy material. He also has a dark blue tunica and belt with which to wear while traveling or in the cold. Often times while working, Waru will not wear the shirt, and tuck it into his trousers, especially with the hot noonday suns in Southern Sarvonia. The belt that he typically always wears, does not really hold up his trousers, but instead holds small pouches which act as pockets, and can carry large sacks for long distance travel. The only jewelry that Waru still possesses is a thin silver chain which he always keeps around his neck.


Personality

Waru is an incredibly resilient soul, and anyone who became acquaintances with him would never suspect his troubled past. Those who have known him for a bit longer see small discrepancies in his behavior unusual for a boy his age. He absolutely detests bigots and those with prejudices against anyone else, and he adamantly tries to avoid any and all Shendar people he encounters on the road. He can think fast enough to keep up with Cev, however he truly prefers to sit down and think things through.

Strengths:
-Waru has talent for hand to hand and sling combat. Ever since he could walk, he was running with the bigger kids, playing disc and causing mishief with his sling. Ten years of constant use have trained Wa'ru's accuracy to incredible degrees. Coupled with his increasing strength, Wa'ru is deadly with his sling used both as a missile and as a rope weapon. (These are two, maybe three different strengths: "Hand to hand combat", which you should explain in more details; "sling shot": at how many peds is he accurate? I'd estimate not more than 15 peds; and - maybe - "strength", if you want to emphasize that he is - or about to become - above-averagely strong)

-Waru has a good gut feeling and intuition, for when it comes to those moments that Cev tries to make a rash move. Usually his first impression is right on the money, and although Cev enjoys trying to prove him wrong, it is often a rare occasion. Quick thinking and a quick body has gotten Wa'ru out of a great many tough spots. (Again, these are three strengths: "Intuition", "intelligence", and "agility")

Weaknesses:
-When it comes to the way the world works, Wa'ru is about as naive as children go. Some may confuse his lack of concern for optimism, but in truth Wa'ru just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that things won't just fall into his life if he wants it bad enough. Things are much different outside his tiny little tribe, and Wa'ru is in for a rude awakening in understanding that.

-Because he left his tribe at age 14, Waru has missed out on a lot of opportunities, such as a job, finishing his schooling, and finishing his training. In general, one could argue that his life was completely and utterly ruined. Waru tries to think of it optimistically as a new beginning however. Because of this, Waru was thrust into a harsh and foreign world far different from the comforts of his tribe. (How does this hinder him?)

(When I understood this last weakness correctly, he is literate, which is another strength. This, and Wa'ru's other strengths would require a couple of more severe weaknesses to outbalance him. I'm sure you can think of something fitting)

Belongings

Weapons:
-1 fine leather sling.

Equipment:
-1 white short sleeved shirt
-1 pair of sandals
-1 pair of white trousers
-1 belt
-1 blue tunica
-1 silver chain necklace
-1 leather backpack

Supplies:
-1 copperbard
-1 large canteen of water
-3 pouches of snake meat and berry pies
-1 small pouch filled with Shendar beads


History

From the perception of the onlooker, Wa'ru lived the dream life of a Shendar child. His parents were wealthy, with his mother being a mid level government official, and his father being a noble warrior. School came after fun, which came after mishief, or maybe it was the other way around... but he always seemed to be a favorite with the teachers anyway. He was funny, cute, and athletic (most of the time being champion of the Disc field), and the aspiration of all (or most of) his male peers. The hitch was; Wa'ru was attracted to his male peers.

The day he opened up to his best and closest friend was the happiest day of his life. Unfortunately, it was also the day that events were set in motion towards a dark destiny for young Wa'ru. His friend was shocked but considerate and kind hearted towards Wa'ru's deep confession. He would be the first one to confess that it took him several days to get over the shock of hearing the words from Wa'ru's mouth, but in many ways it was a relief. Also, it made him begin questioning his own feelings, and it made him wonder about what Wa'ru's true feelings towards him were.

It was before this that Wa'ru discovered his Aj', Nay'oba, and soulmate. (This came quite surprising. Maybe you should mention this before he confessed his sexuality to his friend?) Though Wa'ru had been slightly young when he first met Nay'oba and gone out into the plains to woo him, the bond he created with Nay'oba was recognized as intense for such a new budding relationship. Wa'ru's uncle even said himself that Wa'ru and Nay'oba seemed to have a connection far deeper than any of his peers, and even those far beyond them in years. Perhaps this connection was intensified by the amount of focus on the two friends, as Wa'ru still had found no mate of the same gender, and was being pressured by the females of the tribe to consider their daughters.

One night, Wa'ru was getting fed up with these pressures, coupled with the thirst for adventure of what lay beyond the safety of his tribe, and an urge to search for his true love. That night, Wa'ru heard a scuffle outside the dome. His family did not seem to be aware of it, so instead of awakening them Wa'ru went to investigate. As he emerged from the dome, he was startled to find a massive group of people travelling relatively quietly through the village. At once, Wa'ru recognized them from the stories as the Black Butterfly Rovers. They were moving so quickly that within seconds they had passed through. It was then that Wa'ru realized in horror that Nay'oba, his Aj, was lying dead in the sand, blood pooling into his sandals. Wa'ru didn't know who or why, but the Black Butterfly Rovers were going to pay for the accident dearly.

In the heat of passion, Wa'ru decided that he wasn't going to take it anymore. He wasn't going to sit in his village and suffer while the world held so many possibilities. He needed an outlet... something to end his pain. That night, Wa'ru gathered his things and fled to the big city Uderza as an orphan... as a street child. It was here that he ran into the big sister he never had..: Cevala.

(I miss the part where he avenged his friend and maybe why he was killed in the first place. The Black Butterfly Rovers can be cutthroats but as far as I understood the descriptions, they are not exactly terrorizing criminals. On the contrary. Secondly: If Wa'ru didn't have his revenge yet - this could be a nice weakness: Hatred for the Black Butterfly Rovers...)

Life on the streets was rough and rigorous. Wa'ru quickly found that making an honest living was a near impossibility, and that soon some of his integrity would have to be sacrificed (beautiful sentence). He turned to a life of crime within weeks, and began learning how to steal, pick pocket, and con. Although he never developed a mastery of the thieving arts, these useful skill put bread and milk in his stomach, so it was acceptable (That's antoher strength, IMHO: pick-pocketing). Unfortunately, Wa'ru quickly found himself in trouble with a gang of underground pickpockets who worked the streets of Uderza. They claimed ownership to all central pick pocketting streets, and demanded taxes from him in addition. (Taxes sounds a bit weird: maybe a tribute or protection money?)

Wa'ru agreed to the deal, but the outlying streets were poorer and highly unpopulated. He quickly ran out of enough money to feed himself. Out of desperation, he hit the central marketplace, raking in quite the haul. As he was making his final hit that day, the woman he bumped into noticed her sacks were missing, and begin to give chase. Terrified, Wa'ru sped into one of the back alleys where he ran into the pickpocket gang. They asked him where he found the purse, and then began beating him mercilessly and stomping him into the dirt. The woman rounded the corner to see this taking place. "Hey! That's quite enough!" she yelled, feeling compassion for Wa'ru, remembering the time she had been the victim of a gang, and no one had the courage to stand up or say anything. One of the orphan girls gave him one final stomp in the face before fleeing with the rest of the gang.

Cev trotted over to Wa'ru and picked up her purse. Even though he had stolen from her, the sight of his mangled and ghastly body moved her tremendously. She heaved him up and dragged him through the city's alleyways to the closest healer where she left him, and gave the healer several sans. She booked a hotel (a whole hotel? Nice and eccentric...maybe just a room in an inn?) and checked on him everyday for the next few weeks until he became healthy. As Wa'ru was getting back to physical health, they shared eachother's stories, and connected on a deep level. Both were runaways, both were rejects, and both were alone. It was no surprise that once Wa'ru was completely recovered, he requested to travel with Cev. She, of course, agreed.

Beautifully written CDs, Cev, kudos! Both were a pleasure to read and I've found only very few inconsistencies. Your writing skill is enviable and I bet a silverbard that you'll be titled soon!
« Last Edit: August 01, 2008, 06:46:26 PM by Belyan Cuivizanel » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2008, 01:55:16 AM »

Oh wow... thank you so much Bel! That was great. :D

I've made all the changes you suggested, and now I'm starting to get excited. My CD is so colorful, but that is a good thing. :D Hopefully I will get titled soon.

Thanks for taking the time, that was so helpful.
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Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2008, 02:02:32 AM »

Just a couple of little points (I didn’t feel you needed another uri check after the other excellent guidance you’ve already received).

-   I feel that the examples you have in the first strength could do with a little more explanation.  You say she can ride a horse – how well?  There is a world of difference between riding a docile, patient farm animal and controlling a war mount for example.   Does she use a weapon to hunt?  This may have to be a separate strength.

-   Should your second strength be mentioned in the personality too?

-   These seizures – does she faint?  Does she make involuntary movements?  Remember that this is a medieval world – there is no way of getting water or food into her body once she’s unconscious.  I think three days is the absolute maximum amount of time she could stay unconscious, after that she would die of thirst (there is something about surviving for 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food isn’t there?) Of course, I don’t know what the result of not being able to pee would be – would the build-up of toxins in the body kill her first?  Not sure.  Interesting to play :).

-   You don’t have to be quite as precise about money and supplies if you don’t want to.  We don’t really keep track of money here – we’re too lazy to go back and change the CD every time we spend something to be honest :P.  But then again you can keep it as you have it if you’d rather too.

-   Can she still sing and dance a little?  These might be good in the strengths section.

-   I can imagine people not coming to her and her brother’s rescue if it was after dark and they were in a bad part of the town….but not really on their way to market in broad daylight?

-   Wa’ru should be listed as a strength.

-   You say that Wa’ru prefers to sit down and think things through, but one of his strengths is quick thinking?  And one of his weaknesses is not being able to think things through?

Ok, I’ve left Wa’ru’s history for now, as I’ll need to brush up my Shendar knowledge before I come back to it.

@Talia – there are a few other CDs who have managed to have a human as a companion, provided they always travel together and the whole CD is balanced in strengths and weaknesses.  We have a few pairs of twins who are on one CD, and I’ve got a Brownie with several companion servants.  I’m not sure if it’s easier to have them on the same one or separate really, but as long as they are balanced we’ve been letting them through.

Back @ Cev - a lovely CD my dear, with plenty of attention to detail and interesting little quirks.  Your strengths and weaknesses are where the attention is needed I think.  There are things in the rest of the CDs which should really be in there, and having a human companion is a huge strength.  I'm not really sure how much of a weakness her fiery temper is either, because she also seems to get on with everyone when she wants to.  Is this not a contradiction?

Anyway, good luck, and I shall be back soon to have another look!

Rookie xxx
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Simonne Miller
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Human, Caltharian


« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2008, 04:42:38 PM »

Psst, Cev... Your subject line should have her occupation listed, not her title... I don't think that being a broken spirit will get her much money ;)
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Simonne Miller
Cev
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« Reply #13 on: August 07, 2008, 03:40:48 PM »

Alright! I've implemented those changes, thanks a bunch Rookie! Those were some good points we missed...

So... Is it getting there? Anything else I need to clean up before I get the much sought after green checkmark? :D
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2008, 09:11:50 PM »

Hi Cev! About your strengths...

Quote
-Cev's experience with many different varieties of jobs gives her many useful and useless skills which she can use in times of dire necessity. She can:
     -ride a horse (for farm work and long distance travel)
     -read a little bit of necessary words
     -sow, farm, and mine.
Due to never truly immersing herself in a career path, Cev finds herself with numerous second-rate skills, and a dozen other people more qualified to take the job than her. However, whenever money runs low, there is always another way to find income.

You'll need to break this up into separate strengths. Horsemanship is a strengths and by the looks of it, you are skilled in horseriding, so this counts as a separate strength.

Reading/writing is also a strength, but depending on your level. If you can do it a little bit, then I wouldn't count it. If you are a skilled reader/writer, it should be listed.

You'll need to be more specific about your sowing, farming and mining skills. What exactly can you do farm? What can you sow/ Can you make your own clothes? What did you mine? Each of these could count as a strength.

Lastly, none of these strengths are explained in your history section. I'd like to know how came to learn horsemanship, farming, mining and sowing.  ;)
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