* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Calendar Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Embed Maximize


Newbies, read these!

Character Creation
FAQs
Restrictions

Main Site
Portraits
Rules
Story Creation
Racial Crossbreeding
Magic

Contact
Tips and Tricks
IRC Chat
Measures Converter
Elven Aging Calculator

- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Tejas Stormwind, Kassite Human , Strategist/Duelist  (Read 2528 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Tejas
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 25


« on: July 12, 2008, 04:34:22 AM »

Name: Tejas Stormwind
Gender: Male
Age: 29
Race: Human
Tribe: Kassite

Occupation: Strategist and Duelist. Tejas was a former strategist, and at times helps out the local militia. He also fences for show, but works as a duelist for the noblemen at a price.

Title: Cunning Duelist
Place of Birth: Around Kormendale
Date of Birth: 23rd Burning Heavens, 1639

Appearance:
Height: 2 Peds, 1 Palmspan
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Blue

Physical Appearance
 Tejas has the appearance of the average male Kassite, though his cheekbones do suggest noble blood that he does not have. Tejas stands tall, and his fair skin is made brighter by the contrast with his black hair. Bright blue eyes stair out of a hard and angular face. Dark eyebrows, sharp nose and chin give his face a hawk like appearance. Short black hair is worn in the traditional warrior tail style of the Kassite tribe. A crooked, and weak smile contradicts his well muscled body.

 Small battle scars twist and cross along Tejas' hands and back giving a patched quality to his skin. Hard muscles are pulled taunt under the scared skin with no visible effort. Despite Tejas' crooked smile, faint horizontal lines mark his forehead with creases. Tejas' callused hands are unconsciously clutched into fists. Black pupils stare penetratingly with a restless vigilance. His skin, hair and teeth are well groomed and cleaned giving them a polished shine.

Clothing
 Tejas' attire and wardrobe change as the seasons move from summer through to winter. He favors the clothing of his tribe, and through the summer months wears a woolen tunic with a leather vest on top of it. A sword belt made of leather holds his Tsubar and a slim rapier. Light leather armor is strengthened by small studs of metal. Tejas wears an circular earring made of iron on his right ear. He also wears a pair of soft leather boots.

 During the winter, Tejas adorns a simple cotton cloak to keep the cold at bay. Other than that his appearance is unchanged.

Personality
 When handling business, Tejas can be seen as harsh and warlike. Under whatever circumstances Tejas keeps a level head and calmly thinks through even the toughest situations. When not helping out the militia or fighting for the honor of the fair ladies of court, Tejas is more of a laid back type of person. He drinks lightly, and talks freely with many tavern keepers as well as tavern occupants. Tejas has a deep respect for those in authority and is a very organized person.

Strengths


Weaknesses



History
 ""

Weapons


Belongings
« Last Edit: September 26, 2008, 07:36:24 AM by Tejas » Logged

Moon light shines upon my flame, as it breaks into the Dawn of a new Mornings Sun.

Gierdan Rothtor
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 20


Human, Helcrani


« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2008, 07:40:38 AM »

Your character looks really cool, but i dont know if rapier's even exist in this world. I dont think their on the weapon page but i could be wrong, anyway good job.
Logged
Tejas
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 25


« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2008, 07:48:45 AM »

They don't say officially that the rapier is a weapon found in the Weapons Overview, but listed under The Swords, it talks about there being all different kinds of swords, and gives the example of the Flamberge which isn't listed either on the site.  I think that they allow various swords to exist in the game.  Why they haven't listed more of them under the Weapon Overview is not my place to question.  Maybe you should ask one of the Admins?

Thanks, glad you like my CD, now it's all up to the CD Mods.
Logged

Moon light shines upon my flame, as it breaks into the Dawn of a new Mornings Sun.

Eléyr Fásamár
Serenity's Embodiment
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2109


Elf ~ Kaýrrhem


« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2008, 08:10:16 AM »

The question mark icon is to be used solely by CD mods, who believe that the CD is in serious need of an experts attention. Just so you know, the question mark is not a good thing, as it often denotes that there is propensity for you to have something taken away from you. There are mods out there who will not comment on question mark CD's. Fair warning.

Secondly, you simply cannot have weapons and magic skills. It is not allowed. Period. Experienced players here have attempted to create such a character, and the mods were still not happy with it. Magic and Weapons is simply a combination we do not allow here. Sorry.

Our magic system here is fairly complex, so it is likely that your approval shall take quite a bit longer if you continue persuing a mage character. If you do decide to continue with it, your magic section must demonstrate basic knowledge of the system. Read the Magic Guide: Here. Basically, describe what properties of fire the caster is making the ounia express in order to achieve the effects.

Rapiers exist in Caelereth, don't worry. Someone is in the midst of developing a fencing expert on the dev. side, though I don't believe that the weapon itself is actually defined on the site. (But they do exist.)

After rereading my comments I'll admit they're sounding a bit terse, but please don't take offense from that. There are some things that are simply rules here, and I kinda get a little ranty when explaining them. Aside from the concepts above, I think that this CD is pretty well written. Hopefully you shall be able to work within our limitations, and I hope that your approval shall move quickly, once you fix up the above concepts.
Logged

Those who say only Insanity can bring true relaxation...
Have clearly never hired a Mindsmoother!

Eléyr's CD ~¤•¤~ Character Creation ~¤•¤~ Restrictions ~¤•¤~ CD Etiquette
Tejas
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 25


« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2008, 08:17:49 AM »

Alright, all try to fix up Tejas.  I really want to have a mage character, so if it's going to take a long time, I guess I'll just have to be patient about it.  I'll try to fix it as soon as I possibly can.  Thanks for your comment and help.

Edit

Thanks you for offering tips and help with my CD, I appreciate it and have made the changes.  Actually I just deleted what I thought didn't fit.  Thanks again.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2008, 09:32:57 AM by Tejas » Logged

Moon light shines upon my flame, as it breaks into the Dawn of a new Mornings Sun.

Rhia
Songbird of the Sea
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 321


Human, Blaar'kr


« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2008, 01:10:32 PM »

I'll basically be commenting grammar and punctuation, though I won't shie away from anything obviously wrong that I see.

Name: Tejas
Gender: Male
Age: 312
(Looks like a 30 year old human, and has the knowledge and training of a 40 year old)
Race: Elf
Tribe: Injerín
Occupation: Wandering Magician
Title: "The Scarlet Mage"
Place of Birth: Elin’dor, the Shaded Forest
Date of Birth: 1356 Age of Discovery, 15th Day of Dál'injerá (Rising Sun)

Appearance:
Height: 2 Peds, 1 Palmspan
Hair Color: White flecked with Gold
Eye Color: Gold

Physical Appearance:
  Tejas is of slim build, and is lightly muscled.  His near albino hair and skin color of set eyes that shine like molten gold.  His face shows high cheeck bones which sport a slight blush.  His ears are pulled sharply back into tips.  His long, shoulder length white hair -Hem hem, thought you said it was white with gold flecks, if you want to be nitpicky. is pulled back from his face, showing a high widows peak, and is held back from his face with a single strand of golden cord. I highly suggest using a different word or pronoun than 'he' and 'his' all of the time. Try reversing some of your sentences, saying 'the elf', etc. Just a suggestion to omit monotony.

  Tejas has a lightly muscled figure, and his skin is near albino white.  Smooth, light scars run along his back and chest, giving them a pallid quality.  Along his back there are several light red lash marks that are slightly healed.  Across his chest, and angry welt cuts from his right shoulder to his left hip.  The tips of his snow white fingers are blackened by ash. Why?  Tejas’ eyes have crow’s feet underneath them, and the vains are clearly visible.  His nose is ever so slightly broken, as to be near imperceptible.  A pallid scar runs lightly above his left eyelash.

  Tejas’ rubious lips are another spot of color that can be found in his white complection.  Though his mouth is in an unconcious smile, his gold eyes remain hard and alnalyitical.  His face is almost constantly creased into a frown of thought.  Small crease lines run like fine spider webs along his face.  He holds himself with an air of quiet confidence, and looks clean and exotic.  His left hand is constantly open, and remains by his side when not holding food or drink.  His right hand remains curled around his Book of Fire Magic, his personal copy from the Magical Academy of Ximax, though at times he does store the book in his pockets. 

  Tejas’ <-- Omit apostrophe. is lean and willowy, and holds himself perfectly straight.  He keeps his head down, and hence avoids eye contact with people.  The cowel of his robe covers his face in shadows, and gives him a knowledgeable or detatched aura.  He keeps his hands at his sides, and rarely moves them from there.  Many a time he is lost in his own thoughts, and has a far away expression on his face.  When not creased in his frown of conscentration, concentration he -Perhaps 'his face'? Or do you mean for his whole person to be 'creased in a frown of concentration'? has an inquisitive look that is a kind of trademark.  He constantly raises his left eyebrow in such a manner, <--No comma. that it hides the scar above it.  When seated, he sits at the edge of his chair, with both hands in his lap.  His left hand is usually holding his rapier by then, and his right hand has pocketed his book. How can both hands be sitting in his lap, holding his rapier, and holding his book at the same time? I find this utterly marvelous... grin

Clothing:
  Scarlet robes, pants, chest and shoulder gaurds make up, <--No comma.Tejas’ wardrobe.  The robe is   <-- No spaces.very loosely fit over his slim body and almost touches the floor.  The sleeves extend towards the floor, and cover his hands completely.  His pants billow out, and come together at the ankle and waist.  The chest and shoulder gaurd are both made of iron and are colored a deep red.  The chest gaurd is worn underneath his lengthy robe, and the shoulder gaurd is worn on top of the robe, covering his left shoulder.  Underneath the chest gaurd, and <-- Omit ', and' robe he wears a short sleeve shirt of red silk. -Perhaps instead of compound sentences all of the time, (Words, and words.) try different structures of sentences to make it a bit less monotonous to read.-

  During the summer months, he wears his robe as a kind of cloak.  In summer -Perhaps 'During this time' to eliminate (say it with me) monotony.- he also wears fingerless gloves made of a reddish leather.  During the winter, he lines the large hood, and sleeves with white fur.  He also puts on soft red leather gloves in order to protect his hands from the cold.  The pockets of his lengthy robes, <-- No comma. are the length of Tejas’ legs, and are used to carry different reagents for spell casting as well as his book of Advanced Magics from Ximax.  These incredibly deep pockets can be found on the inside of his robe.

Personality:
  Tejas is balanced in his ways, neither outgoing nor silent.  He tends to alternate between the two depending on the situation.  He has great respect for both his elders, and anyone who can best him in fire magic or swordsmanship.  He tries to have a positive outlook on various situations and scenarios.  However at times he can be grim if caught in a life threatening situation with little chance of help.  He thinks logically when it comes down to it, though he seems to have a personality that changes with the drop of a hat. Again, try something different than 'he'.

  Tejas is prone to get angry at some of the smallest things.  He tries to keep himself calm by means of keeping his distance from people, though he is very talkative when in a good mood.  On a whim, Tejas changes personalities from being in a good mood to a bad one in a matter of seconds.  He dislikes being disturbed when in thought when in a bad mood, but will be polite or nice about these inturuptions <-- interruptionsif he is in a good mood.  Okay... How about something like: "When thinking during a bad mood, he highly dislikes being disturbed. In a good mood, however, he will be courteous about these interruptions." He tries to avoid conflict, the release of magic, and sword fighting as much as possible.  He is trusting of both elves and humans, and sees himself as a kind of mentor to both races. Gasp!You speciest! What about other races? Joke aside, please consider mentioning the others.

Strengths
Fire Magic – Tejas’ has trained in magic at the Magical Academy of Ximax, as well as among his own tribe.  While among the Injerín he learned about the various aspects, and strengths required to do Fire Magic.  Upon his arrival at Ximax, he was accepted into the ranks of the Fire Mages.  He trained for nearly two centuries, <-- No comma, bud.before becoming proficient in Fire Magic.  He continued to train, and evenutally I believe the word you are looking for is 'eventually'. :)left the Academy after he had recieved his Advanced Books.  Dispite <-- Despitenot being able to do the magic of higher levels he trusted in his abilities, and his belief that he would be able to find his own way in his studies.  He uses magic as both an offensive and defensive weapon, confusing his opponents with loud noises, smoke, and flashes of light. -Again, the 'he' problem.- -I don't know much about magic, (having hastily skipped out of that section when I saw what was required) so I don't know what is right or wrong in that respect...-

Natural Charisma – When he takes it upon himself to be nice and friendly, Tejas’ <-- No apostrophe.out-one word- does himself.  He is more than willing to give information to people who he thinks may help beinift in the spreading of knowledge.  He smiles readily enough when the mood takes him, and is open about himself with other people.  At times like this he is usually not wearing his hood, and he is in more of a talkative mood rather then his usual thinking and calculating self.  He is incredibly polite in these instances, and is prone to help those who ask him for it as a way of showing his good will.  Many a time has he sorted out a problem with the promise of ale, and a good amount of light and noise.  More often then ,-- thannot he makes a friend that won’t try to kill him after the initial meeting. <-- Huh? Just a suggestion- could you simplify this sentence for the simpler ones like me?

Weaknesses
Past Wounds – Due to previous fights and mishapes in his past, Tejas is prone to bleed when he over-one word- exerts himself.  Wounds on his back and chest are easily opened when casting spells that require great strength, as his body strains itself with the energy required for the casting.  Dispite [color=yellow<-- Despite[/color]realizing this, Tejas still fights using some of his larger and more lethal spells, and refuses to change his combat ways due to his weakness. <-- I suggest saying something like, "...in spite of his weakness." "...due to his weakness" makes it seem like he refuses to change his "combat ways" because of his weakness. Make sense? Not to me much either... When bleeding from his past wounds, he gradually weakens, and will fall unconscious if not looked after in time.  The cuts themselves are deep, and have not healed for many years. Wait a minute- I thought you said that they healed? "Smooth, light scars run along his back and chest, giving them a pallid quality." ...That would mean that they healed, assuming that they were the wounds you are talking about.

Fear of Water – As any Fire Mage should be, Tejas has a fear of water.  Though he still manages to take showers, <--- I'm pretty sure that they don't have showers in this world... Perhaps "still manages to bathe", meaning that he can stand to wash himself- vaguer, but I think it's more correct than 'shower'. and stand around in the rain, he still has a dislike for it.  He tries to stay indoors when it rains, and showers <--- Again, change?with a limited amount of water.  Due to this fear of water, Teyjas stays away from large bodies of water, and tries to avoid lakes, rivers and on occation streams.  Another reason for his fear of water is his inability to swim. This is a very valid point, and (in my eyes) needs to be stated at the beginning of the paragraph along with the first reason. I mean, not being able to swim is a legitimate concern- don't you think it'd be listed as one of the most prevalent reasons?

Endurance – Due to being a Fire Mage, aside from lifting his books, quill, and rapier, Teyjas is incapable of doing some of the most basic physical activites.  He is incapable of running any great distance, and requires frequent breaks inbetween ... inbetween what? He can't run, as you said, so...?.  He has trouble lifting things that are heavier than a napsack with three books, and his light iron gaurds <---  guards.  His past wounds also contribute as he is incapable of straining his body for fear of bleeding unnecissarily.  He tries his best to avoid doing to much, and tries to handle situations in small amounts with plenty of breaks inbetween.  His lack of endurance also limits the number of spells he can use, as the two need to be balanced in Fire Magic.

Magic:
  After successfully completing the First Sphere of Fire Magic, Tejas left the Magical Academy of Ximax with the skills that he had learned.  He is capable of casting light as a basic spell, and uses it when he finds himself outdoors at night.  He controls fire with an amiable touch, able to cool or increase the intensity of a flame.  He can create small pair of "Glowing Hands", as well as the basic fireball spell.  He can also create  <--- No space.a sparkling stream, a spell that creates flashes of light and smoke.  He can also use a spell to increase the strength and speed of a warrior for a short period of time.  When casting these spells, he can only cast a maximum of four within a six hour bracket, as he becomes tired from the casitng.  To push further on his abilites results in unconsciousness, and the opening of his old wounds.  <--- One less friend.This is majorly due to his lack of endurance. -Again, can't say what's right or wrong with the magic spell doohickies... Sorry.

History:
  When I was a kid, I used to sit alone, and watch the different fishes fishthat swam underneath <--- Perhaps 'in' would be a better choice of words. Or 'underneath the surface of'.the tree’s pond at the back of my families little house.  I was a little more than surprised when my father decided to teach me how to do magic, <--- Here I think that just "teach" is a better choice of words.the idea itself sounded ridiculous to me. Or 'the younger version of myself', I think.  Me and magic?  In my dreams, maybe. In real life, highly doubted.  But there was no getting out of it, so like my father had asked I walked into his casting chamber ready for practise.  My father was a great man, not only was he respectid, respected but he was famous for his affinity with Fire Magic.  That day my father taught me, that no matter how bad you may be at something, there is one thing that you are good at, <--- I think that a hyphen is correct here. you just need to find it.
  I trained with my dad Not to sound nitpicky, (he he) but I find 'dad' just a little bit modern, and (worse) American.that morning, and though I almost singed myself with a Flame Control spell, I found I was drawn into Fire Magic.  I began to practised <--- no 'd' daily from that day forward, once every morning, and once every night.  Sure, my first few attempts were clumsy, and maybe I did destroy one or two flower pots, but who’s counting anyway? 
  It was shortly after that I discovered the meaning of the words <--- No 's'. 'Fear' is just one word, friend.fear.  I mean sure, I had a fear of burning something to a cinder and then getting shouted at, but that is what you’d call anxiety. 
  I found myself talking to one of my dear friends, Ilyana, on the edge of the pond.  The day was so warm, and no matter how much water we drank, we were burning under the sun.  Naturally I had respect for the sun, <--- hyphen?I mean seriously, my magic was practically inspired by it, but at the time I was totally unprepared for the heat.  So my dear friend came to the decision that we should go swimming.  Obviously, I tried to explain to her that I did not know how to swim, but she was never one to listen to closely to me.  So I ended up watching her flail about in the water having a good time, and so without thinking I jumped into the water too.  One of the stupidest things that I have ever done in my life, right next to the time when I had accidently trapped my shirt along with a stick that I was helping my mother put in the garden. 
  Terrible moment that one, I was stuck there for a while before my mother managed to pry the stake out of the ground.
  Anyway, coming back to the original story, I ended up in the water.  My first thought being, "Wow, <--- Another modern word, I think.this water's so cold!"  Then I realized I couldn’t breath, and slowly I began to sink.  I began to flail around, <--- You used 'began' two times pretty close together; I suggest subsituting 'started' for one.and in no time at all I began to black out I believe this to be (she said hesitantly) another modern phrase....  It was just when I was about to lose consciousness all together <--- altogether that Ilyana and my mother pulled me out of the water.  My dad, needless to say, was mad that I would have tried something so stupid, and my mother blamed Ilyana.  Naturally I tried to protect my friend's good name, but who listens to a kid at that age? 
  That day I say saw Ilyana leave my house, and I promised that I’d see her again. Can you elaborate on this a little? Explain?
  Several days into my training, my dad hurt himself trying to show me a fireball spell, and some-one word- how I managed to set my underwear on fire as well.  It’s a long story.  So my parents decided to send me off to study at Ximax.  With natural showing off my parents went around telling people how great a mage I was going to be.
  Well, that would prove to be interesting.
  <--- No indent.In no time at all I found myself at the gates of Ximax, Magical Academy.  I watched in near awed reverance as I saw the Outer Towers of the Academy.  I saw the Tower of the Gaurd, Guardin which I would later spend many of my days reading on various books of magic.  Then I saw my new abode.  The Tower of Flame was larger than life, and it was later that I was told that the place had been built with magic.  The Tower of Flame’s red granite and ruby shape were the most amazing thing that I had ever seen at the time.  Coming from a guy <--- Again, modern wordwho spends his time with elves who work magic as part of their lives, that means a lot I suppose.  During what little free time I managed to get in extra practise with the books of magic that my father had not accidently torched.
  I spent almost two centuries there working spells, <--- no comma, I believe.both offensive and defensive in nature.  Like many of the orcs who had been there, and were now my fellow students, fire magic was a means to power, and more than a few people were badly burned.  On several occasions when some of my friends would do something stupid, we usually got burned as a group, physically and by our mentors too.  I practised for what felt like years, and what must have been ages to humans.  I became adept at the casting of magic, but I was ridiculously weak, and could only cast so many spells in one setting.
  Dispite <--- Despiteall this, nearly two centuries later, I made my way out of the compound.  I knew I was leaving tomes of the greatest magic behind, but I knew that I was going to need to become worldly wise before becoming someone great.  Yeesh, that sounds clieched. Hehe! Coughs. 'clichéd'.
  I walked across the land, and not three years later I found myself trapped by a band of slavers. <--- Possibly 'slavedrivers'?
  They took me as I feel unconscious from casting, and I found myself chained and shackled.  They put me to work with my spells, and more often then than not I suffered lashes to my back.  Even bleeding I was forced to work what little magic I had for them, lighting fires and creating light had suddenly begun to take what little energy I had left.  I could barely stand on my own two legs and more often than not I had to be lifted to my next casting.  Larger workings became impossible for me to perform, and so I was trapped by my own full hardiness.  I became more intelligent in that time, I began to understand the limitations of the life that I had.  As an elf we looked at life in moments, I sill had several centuries of life in me, and here I was on the brink of death.  It was then I began to pull myself together.
  Not twenty years later, the band of slavers was found out by a group of mercenaries, and they were forced to flee.  I escaped in the resulting chaos after recieving a sever cut across the chest and I I do believe that the 'I' is unnecessary in this case. managed to make my way to a small hut in the woods when I feel unconscious.
  Upon waking what felt like a hundred year slumber, an elderly lady greeted me.  I realized that she was only human, -'only human'? Excuse me? That sounds a little bit belittling. *And my character is human too! coughs*and close to death, so I began to look after her in her last days.  This old lady had helped me out and saved me from dying, when she herself was so close to death.  I stayed with her until her death, and performed her funeral rites, and cremated her body along with her house.  From that day forth I walked the land, observing people both good and evil.  I helped those few that I could as I made my way from town to town.  I knew then that I was going to have a long way to go before anything great happened in my life.

I highly suggest that you put the whole history section inbetween quotation marks. This makes it just a tad  bit easier to understand the switch from third person to first person.

Weapons:
  Tejas carries his book of Advanced Magics from the Academy of Ximax, as well as several tomes from his home in The Shaded Forest.

Belongings:
  Aside from his weaponry, and his clothing, Tejas also carries a sack with bread, cheese, and water, well for about three days.

What a great read! Great job! Thumb up Don't think me snooty; sorry if I was! See you in the rp threads someday...
Logged

Mannix
Ranger of Shadow
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 816


Elf, Aellenrhim


« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2008, 02:49:10 PM »

If your having trouble with the same pronoun, my suggestion is list all the ones for you character, (eg. Tejas, the elf, the mage.) and then substitute them.  Nice read though.  While I'm here I guess I'll look at your magic section.  I'm not actually a magic expert, I don't even have a mage, but I do have a spell in the works.
Quote
After successfully completing the First Sphere of Fire Magic, Tejas left the Magical Academy of Ximax with the skills that he had learned. (Perhaps tell us your level.)  He is capable of casting light as a basic spell, and uses it when he finds himself outdoors at night.   He controls fire with an amiable touch, able to cool or increase the intensity of a flame.  He can create small pair of "Glowing Hands", as well as the basic fireball spell.  He can also create a sparkling stream, a spell that creates flashes of light and smoke.  He can also use a spell to increase the strength and speed of a warrior for a short period of time.  When casting these spells, he can only cast a maximum of four within a six hour bracket, as he becomes tired from the casitng.  To push further on his abilites results in unconsciousness, and the opening of his old wounds. This is majorly due to his lack of endurance.
Basically all you need to do is talk about the magic system a bit more.  Eg. with the heating, Tejas focuses on increasing Fire's influence on an object, and so increasing the prevalence of its properties.  The object would then glow and heat up, among other things.  Or you can say that he only increases one property, just to heat it.  Hope I've helped, and it you need any help, don't hesitate to ask.

Mannix
Logged

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Mannix Vaelos ~ Character Creation Help ~ FAQs ~ Restrictions
Tejas
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 25


« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2008, 11:11:40 PM »

Thanks for your help Mannix, and Rhia, I cleaned up my CD, and I think it looks good now.  Again thanks for your comments on this CD.  Glad you guys liked it.
Logged

Moon light shines upon my flame, as it breaks into the Dawn of a new Mornings Sun.

Mannix
Ranger of Shadow
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 816


Elf, Aellenrhim


« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2008, 11:17:08 PM »

Could you colour your changes for us.  Thanks grin
Logged

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Mannix Vaelos ~ Character Creation Help ~ FAQs ~ Restrictions
Tejas
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 25


« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2008, 11:23:15 PM »

Don't worry, I already edited the work, the corrections and changes are now in maroon.  Thanks again Mannix  :D.
Logged

Moon light shines upon my flame, as it breaks into the Dawn of a new Mornings Sun.

Mannix
Ranger of Shadow
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 816


Elf, Aellenrhim


« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2008, 12:42:14 AM »

Hiya Tejas.  Just a few comments, well actually quite a few. ;)  Look for the lovely blue. (Hey that rhymes :D)

Name: Tejas Avásh
Gender: Male
Age: 312
(Looks like a 30 year old human, and has the knowledge and training of a 40 year old)
Race: Elf
Tribe: Injerín
Occupation: Wandering Magician
Title: "Scarlet Mage"
Place of Birth: Elin’dor, the Shaded Forest
Date of Birth: 1356 Age of Discovery, 15th Day of Dál'injerá (Rising Sun)

Appearance:
Height: 2 Peds, 1 Palmspan
Hair Color: White flecked with Gold That’s unusual.  Gold is usual for the tribe, but I don;t think white is.
Eye Color: Gold

Physical Appearance:
 Tejas is of slim build, and is lightly muscled. His near albino hair and skin color of set eyes that shine like molten gold. (This sentence doesn’t make sense, you need to re-word it.) His face shows high cheekbones which sport a slight blush.  His ears are pulled sharply back into tips. (pulled?) His long, shoulder length white-gold hair is pulled back from his face, showing a high widows peak, and is held back(I delete this back, just for nicer reading) from his face with a single strand of golden cord.

 Tejas has a lightly muscled figure, and his skin is near albino white. Smooth, light scars run along his back and chest, giving them a pallid quality, along with several bright red scars that are slightly healed. Across his chest, and angry welt cuts from his right shoulder to his left hip. (This also needs rejigging) The tips of his snow white fingers are blackened by ash from working various Fire Spells. (Are his fingers really snow white?  Also, I don’t see why his fingers are black.  I’m sure he could wash ash off, but I don’t really see how he would get ash on his hands from fire spells, at least not enough to stain his skin.) Tejas’ eyes have crow’s feet underneath them, and the veins are clearly visible from lack of sleep, as he regularly reads his spell books late into the night. (I thought crows feet were at the sides of your eyes, and where are these veins) His nose is ever so slightly broken, as to be near imperceptible. A pallid scar runs lightly above his left eyelash. (Eyelash?  Do you mean eyelid?)

 Tejas’ rubious(I’m not sure what you mean by this word.) lips are another spot of color that can be found in his white complexion.  Though his mouth is in an unconscious smile, his gold eyes remain hard and analytical. His face is almost constantly creased into a frown of thought. (I thought he was smiling.) Small crease lines run like fine spider webs along his face. He holds himself with an air of quiet confidence, and tries his best to look clean and exotic. His left hand is constantly open, and remains by his side when not holding food or drink. His right hand remains curled around his Book of Fire Magic, his personal copy from the Magical Academy of Ximax, though at times he does store the book in his pockets. (I’m not sure these two sentences are appropriate. What if he wants to do other things with his hands?)

 Tejas is lean and willowy, and holds himself perfectly straight. He keeps his head down, and hence avoids eye contact with people. (Always?) The cowl of his robe covers his face in shadows, and gives him a knowledgeable or detached aura. He keeps his hands at his sides, and rarely moves them from there. Many a time he is lost in his own thoughts, and has a far away expression on his face. When not creased in his frown of concentration, his face has an inquisitive look that is a kind of trademark. He constantly raises his left eyebrow in such a manner that it hides the scar above it. When seated, he sits at the edge of his chair, with both hands in his lap. His left hand is usually ready to cast some loud and smoke filled spell, and his right hand has pocketed his book. (You don’t always need to use hands to use fire magic.  It’s not all shooting fireballs.  What if he wants to affect someone’s mind?  Also, I thought you said he usually holds his book.)

Clothing:
 Scarlet robes, pants, chest and shoulder guards make up Tejas’ wardrobe. The robe is (delete 2nd space) very loosely fit over his slim body and almost touches the floor. The sleeves extend towards the floor, and cover his hands completely. (You make is sound as if they almost touch the floor, perhaps you should re-word it.) His pants billow out, and come together at the ankle and waist. The chest and shoulder guard are both made of iron and are colored a deep red. The chest guard is worn underneath his lengthy robe, and the shoulder guard is worn on top of the robe, covering his left shoulder. Underneath the chestguard and robe he wears a short sleeve shirt of red silk.  (Very fancy clothes for a wandering mage.)

 During the summer months, he wears his robe as a kind of cloak. During this time he also wears fingerless gloves made of a reddish leather. During the winter, he lines the large hood, and sleeves with white fur. He also puts on soft red leather gloves in order to protect his hands from the cold. The pockets of his lengthy robes are the length of Tejas’ legs, and are used to carry different regents for spell casting as well as his book of Advanced Magics from Ximax. (He’s only level three, it wouldn’t be advanced magic.  I’m also not sure that is how they would name it.  Too Harry Potter for me.) These incredibly deep pockets can be found on the inside of his robe.

Personality:
 Tejas is balanced in his ways, neither outgoing nor silent. He tends to alternate between the two depending on the situation. (But you said he is neither.) He has great respect for both his elders, and anyone who can best him in fire magic. He tries to have a positive outlook on various situations and scenarios. However at times he can be grim if caught in a life-threatening situation with little chance of help. (Wouldn’t most people.) Tejas thinks logically when it comes down to it, though he seems to have a personality that changes with the drop of a hat. 

 Tejas is prone to get angry at some of the smallest things. He tries to keep himself calm by means of keeping his distance from people, though he is very talkative when in a good mood. On a whim, Tejas changes personalities from being in a good mood to a bad one in a matter of seconds. When thinking while in a bad mood, he highly dislikes being disturbed. When in a good mood, however, he will be courteous about these interruptions. He tries to avoid conflict, and the release of magic as much as possible. (Release of magic?) He is trusting of all the races, and sees himself as a kind of mentor to them. (What about orcs? Or dark elves?)

Strengths
Fire Magic – Tejas’ has trained in magic at the Magical Academy of Ximax, as well as among his own tribe. While among the Injerín he learned about the various aspects, and strengths required to do Fire Magic. Upon his arrival at Ximax, he was accepted into the ranks of the Fire Mages. He trained for nearly two centuries before becoming proficient in Fire Magic. (Two centuries to be level three, and with training from your tribe.  I’ve seen level seven mages in that time.) He continued to train, and eventually left the Academy after he had received his Advanced Books. Despite not being able to do the magic of higher levels he trusted in his abilities, and his belief that he would be able to find his own way in his studies. (Hmm.. I believe your not allowed to have your mage learn new things.  It would be extremely hard to discover new applications of magic.  You’d have undergo tutoring again.) He uses magic as both an offensive and defensive weapon, confusing his opponents with loud noises, smoke, and flashes of light.  (Can fire mages make loud noises with magic?  I was under the impression that sound was a property of wind, or maybe it hasn’t been decided yet.)

Natural Charisma – When he takes it upon himself to be nice and friendly, Tejas outdoes himself. He is more than willing to give information to people who he thinks may help benefit in the spreading of knowledge. He smiles readily enough when the mood takes him, and is open about himself with other people. At times like this he is usually not wearing his hood, and he is in more of a talkative mood rather then his usual thinking and calculating self. He is incredibly polite in these instances, and is prone to help those who ask him for it as a way of showing his good will. Many a time has he sorted out a problem with the promise of ale, and a good amount of light and noise to get himself out of that promise. More often than not he makes a friend that won’t try to kill him after the initial meeting. (Doesn’t everyone?)

Knowledge – Due to his tribe’s traditions, Tejas has a reverence for knowledge, and is capable of reading and writing fluently in both Styrásh and Tharian.  This allows Tejas to identify various forms of flora and fauna found in various parts of Santharia. (Huh?)  Over the past three centuries he has acquired knowledge on different cultures, tribes, and people.  He uses his knowledge of people and traditions when traveling to new lands.  When traveling to new lands he tries to absorb as much of the culture, tradition and language of the people,<~~comma which allows him to communicate better with people of different species.

Weaknesses
Past Wounds – Due to previous fights and mishaps in his past, Tejas is prone to bleed when he overexerts himself. Wounds on his back and chest are easily opened when casting spells that require great strength, as his body strains itself with the energy required for the casting. Despite realizing this, Tejas still fights using some of his larger and more lethal spells, and refuses to change his combat ways in spite of his weakness. When bleeding from his past wounds, he gradually weakens, and will fall unconscious if not looked after in time. The cuts themselves are deep, and have not healed for many years. (How would magic open wounds?  It’s not as if you do crazy waving.  All you doing is imposing you will on something.  However, some spells do require some things, say touching the object.)

Fear of Water – As any Fire Mage should be, Tejas has a fear of water. The major contributor to this fear being his inability to swim. Though he still manages to bathe, and stand around in the rain, he still has a dislike for it. He tries to stay indoors when it rains, and bathes with a limited amount of water. Despite this he continues to travel around large bodies of water including lakes, streams, and rivers, though he becomes increasingly nervous.  This often causes him to jump at the smallest sounds, and every once in a while torch the ground.

Endurance – Due to being a Fire Mage, aside from lifting his books, and quill, Tejas is incapable of doing some of the most basic physical activities.(Like walking?) He is incapable of running any great distance, and requires frequent breaks in between activities. He has trouble lifting things that are heavier than a knapsack with three books, and his light iron guards. His past wounds also contribute,<~~comma as he is incapable of straining his body for fear of bleeding unnecessarily. He tries his best to avoid doing too much, and tries to handle situations in small amounts with plenty of breaks in between. His lack of endurance also limits the number of spells he can use, as the two need to be balanced in Fire Magic

Magic:
 After successfully completing the First Sphere of Fire Magic, Tejas left the Magical Academy of Ximax with the skills that he had learned at Level 3. By focusing on the influence of Fire in an object, Tejas can increase the prevalence of its properties. Through the increase of certain properties, Tejas can generate light from and object or put out a flame. Concentration on various mediums and reagents allow Tejas to use a wider range of spells, such as heating air when creating a fireball. He is capable of casting light as a basic spell, and uses it when he finds himself outdoors at night. He controls fire with an amiable touch, able to cool or increase the intensity of a flame. He can create small pair of „Glowing Hands“, as well as the basic fireball spell. He can also create a sparkling stream, a spell that creates flashes of light and smoke. He can also use a spell to increase the strength and speed of a warrior for a short period of time. When casting these spells, he can only cast a maximum of four within a six hour bracket, as he becomes tired from the casting. To push further on his abilities results in unconsciousness, and the opening of his old wounds. This is majorly(This isn’t actually a word, you have to use something else.) due to his lack of endurance. (As I said before, you are only listing spells.  You need to explain how he uses magic.  Take a look at a few other approved mages, it will help.)

History:
 "When I was a kid, I used to sit alone, and watch the different fish that swam in the tree’s pond at the back of my families little house. I was a little more than surprised when my father decided to teach me how to do magic, the idea itself sounded ridiculous to my ears at that age. Me and magic? In my dreams, maybe. In real life, highly doubted. But there was no getting out of it, so like my father had asked I walked into his casting chamber ready for practise. My father was a great man, not only was he respected, but he was famous for his affinity with Fire Magic. That day my father taught me, that no matter how bad you may be at something, there is one thing that you are good at - you just need to find it. (Would it really be that unsuspected, his father is a respected fire mage.)
 
 I trained with my father that morning, and though I almost singed myself with a Flame Control spell, I found I was drawn into Fire Magic. (I don’t think you’d start with a spell.  Probably theory first.) I began to practise daily from that day forward, once every morning, and once every night. Sure, my first few attempts were clumsy, and maybe I did destroy one or two flower pots, but who’s counting anyway? 
 
 It was shortly after that I discovered the meaning of the word fear. I mean sure, I had a fear of burning something to a cinder and then getting shouted at, but that is what you’d call anxiety. 
 
 I found myself talking to one of my dear friends, Ilyana, on the edge of the pond. The day was so warm, and no matter how much water we drank, we were burning under the sun. Naturally I had respect for the sun, I mean seriously, my magic was practically inspired by it, but at the time I was totally unprepared for the heat. So my dear friend came to the decision that we should go swimming. Obviously, I tried to explain to her that I did not know how to swim, but she was never one to listen to closely to me. So I ended up watching her flail about in the water having a good time, and so without thinking I jumped into the water too. One of the stupidest things that I have ever done in my life, right next to the time when I had accidentally trapped my shirt along with a stick that I was helping my mother put in the garden. 
 
 Terrible moment that one, I was stuck there for a while before my mother managed to pry the stake out of the ground.
 
 Anyway, coming back to the original story, I ended up in the water. My first thought being, "This water is so cold!" Then I realized I couldn’t breath, and slowly I began to sink. I started to flail around, and in no time at all I began to fall unconscious. It was just when I was about to lose consciousness altogether that Ilyana and my mother pulled me out of the water. My father, needless to say, was mad that I would have tried something so stupid, and my mother blamed Ilyana. Naturally I tried to protect my friend’s good name, but who listens to a kid at that age? 
 
 That day I saw Ilyana leave my house, and I promised myself that I’d see her again. I loved my friend Ilyana, and if not for her I would never have survived some of my darker moments later on in life. 
 
 Several days into my training, my dad hurt himself trying to show me a fireball spell, and somehow I managed to set my underwear on fire as well, the strange thing being I was still wearing my pants. It’s a long story. So my parents decided to send me off to study at Ximax. With natural showing off my parents went around telling people how great a mage I was going to be. (Elves wouldn’t do that.  They believe in their magic.  It is slightly different to Ximaxian magic.)
 
 Well, that would prove to be interesting.

 In no time at all I found myself at the gates of Ximax, Magical Academy. I watched in near awed reverence as I saw the Outer Towers of the Academy. I saw the Tower of the Guard, in which I would later spend many of my days reading on various books of magic. Then I saw my new abode.
 
 The Tower of Flame was larger than life, and it was later that I was told that the place had been built with magic. The Tower of Flame’s red granite and ruby shape were the most amazing thing that I had ever seen at the time. Coming from a man who spends his time with elves who work magic as part of their lives, that means a lot I suppose. (I thought that was humans who did that.  Elves use it only when need be, not whenever they want, just to make life easier.) During what little free time I managed to get in extra practise with the books of magic that my father had not accidentally torched.
 
 I spent almost two centuries there working spells both offensive and defensive in nature. Like many of the orcs who had been there, and were now my fellow students, fire magic was a means to power, and more than a few people were badly burned. On several occasions when some of my friends would do something stupid, we usually got burned as a group, physically and by our mentors too. I practised for what felt like years (That because it was. LOL), and what must have been ages to humans. I became adept at the casting of magic, but I was ridiculously weak, and could only cast so many spells in one sitting.
 
 Despite all this, nearly two centuries later, I made my way out of the compound. I knew I was leaving tomes of the greatest magic behind, but I knew that I was going to need to become worldly wise before becoming someone great. That sounds clichéd even to my ears.
 
 I walked across the land, and not three years later I found myself trapped by a band of slavedrivers. 
 
 They took me as I feel unconscious from casting, and I found myself chained and shackled.  They put me to work with my spells, and more often than not I suffered lashes to my back. Even bleeding I was forced to work what little magic I had for them, lighting fires and creating light had suddenly begun to take what little energy I had left. I could barely stand on my own two legs and more often than not I had to be lifted to my next casting. Larger workings became impossible for me to perform, and so I was trapped by my own full hardiness. I became more intelligent in that time, I began to understand the limitations of the life that I had. As an elf we looked at life in moments, I still had several centuries of life in me, and here I was on the brink of death. It was then I began to pull myself together. At that time I remembered my Ilyana, and the fun we had. Her smile was what kept me going.
 
 Not twenty years later, the band of slavers was found out by a group of mercenaries, and they were forced to flee. I escaped in the resulting chaos after receiving a sever cut across the chest, and I managed to make my way to a small hut in the woods when I feel unconscious.
 
 Upon waking what felt like a hundred year slumber, an elderly lady greeted me. I realized that she was human, and close to death, so I began to look after her in her last days. This elderly lady whom I had never meet helped me and saved me from dying, when she herself was so close to death. I stayed with her until she died, and performed her funeral rites, and cremated her body along with her house. From that day forth I walked the land, observing people both good and evil. I helped those few that I could as I made my way from town to town. I knew then that I was going to have a long way to go before I did anything great in my life."

(I really do like this history, but to me it doesn’t seem like an elf speaking.  It’s more human to me.  However, there isn’t anything about the standard elf’s personality and look on life, so if it’s fine with mods then it’s okay.)

Weapons:
 Tejas carries his book of Advanced Magics from the Academy of Ximax, as well as several tomes from his home in The Shaded Forest.

Belongings:
 Aside from his weaponry, and his clothing, Tejas also carries a sack with bread, cheese, and water, well for about three days.

Despite all the colour, this is a very nice CD.  Well done.

Mannix
Logged

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Mannix Vaelos ~ Character Creation Help ~ FAQs ~ Restrictions
Eléyr Fásamár
Serenity's Embodiment
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2109


Elf ~ Kaýrrhem


« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2008, 05:29:32 AM »

I put up the pencil icon until you make Mannix' corrections. Feel free to chage it back to the exclamation mark when you are ready for more comments.
Logged

Those who say only Insanity can bring true relaxation...
Have clearly never hired a Mindsmoother!

Eléyr's CD ~¤•¤~ Character Creation ~¤•¤~ Restrictions ~¤•¤~ CD Etiquette
Tejas
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 25


« Reply #12 on: July 24, 2008, 07:20:41 AM »

Once more, I have to change the entire CD, please don't get angry with me people. I can't help it, the ideas are all there, I just don't think they fit very well. Not to mention that I try to do some pretty impossible things with my CD, I am never doing a mage character again if I can help it.
Logged

Moon light shines upon my flame, as it breaks into the Dawn of a new Mornings Sun.

Azhira Styralias
Shamaness
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1176


Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2008, 11:02:13 AM »

Haha! Take your time, Tejas...you'll get it. Don't feel bad because I have a mage character unfinished because I am stuck with her, too!  Shocked Mages are not the easiest to create, I assure you (and I have three of them).
Logged

"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Pages: [1]   Go Up
Print
Jump to:  

Recent Posts
[July 30, 2021, 06:05:42 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:43 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:25 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:01:01 PM]

[February 12, 2021, 07:16:33 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:51 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:21 AM]

[October 05, 2020, 02:58:40 PM]

[March 19, 2020, 03:47:44 AM]

[July 23, 2019, 07:02:29 PM]
Members
Total Members: 2848
Latest: Carilinaa
Stats
Total Posts: 214567
Total Topics: 8051
Online Today: 34
Online Ever: 216
(November 30, 2006, 09:08:03 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 43
Total: 43

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx