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Author Topic: Seth Ghibta,Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian, Guide and Courier  (Read 6278 times)
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seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« on: July 24, 2008, 04:40:25 PM »

Name: Seth Ghibta

Race: Human

Gender: Female

Age: 27

Tribe: (Maternally) Ash-qibla of the  Azhorhrian people
                                              (Paternally)  Kasumarii.   

Occupation: Guide and courier or messenger.

Overview: Walks like a fencer, smiles like a demon and stares like a mildly confused owl, either at nothing at all, or, worse, directly at you. She's a little bit insane, probably in a good way.

Appearance:
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores tall

Physical Appearance:
Her bone white hair, cut a couple of nailsbreadths above shoulder length, has a couple of strands braided in coloured silk and tin beads. Her large, almond shaped eyes have long lashes deep copper coloured irises, and abnormally large pupils.

Her hair contrasts vividly with her skin, which is the colour of wet sand, inherited from her mother. Her fairly short, slim figure is characteristic for the Kasumarii. Her face is more Azhorhrian, she has high cheek bones but they’re not angular. Red stripe tattoos run from her eyes to her chin, and she has a black demon tattoo on her left shoulder, just high up enough to be uncovered, provided she's not wearing a coat. It is shaped like a little stick figure with claws and a wispy tail. On the inside of her right wrist is a long jagged, crescent shaped scar, left by the maw of a mermäc.

Clothes:
She wears dusty black trousers, usually heavily patched, and a close fitting long sleeved shirt in spilk or light wool, black or faded saffron. Her arms are often bound from knuckles to elbow in black spilk ribbons to keep her sleeves out of the way. Her footwear is calf-length buckskin riding boots, soft soled for silent movement. If the weather is bad, or she wants to be dramatic, she wears a heavy felt jacket with a big hood and scarf around her face, sometimes also a Kasumarii concealment mask. 

Personality:
Seth is fiercely independent and insatiably curious, sometimes reclusive, sometimes friendly and outgoing. She is nothing if not fickle and unpredictable. Intelligent and adventurous, she is prone to recklessness and gets carried away with ideas, not always thinking things through. Nonetheless, she is capable, hardy and quick thinking when it matters. She has a powerful aversion to violence. She can be illogical and occasionally incomprehensible, as she is, as it is often put when she is out of earshot, “not all there”. This tends to manifest itself in the form of abrupt silences, sudden anger over apparently trivial things, smiling for no apparent reason, and staring into space, seemingly oblivious to her surroundings.

Strengths:
Well traveled (for the last 11 years): since she left Cyhalloi she has been travelling fairly constantly; at first simply for fun, then later to earn a living as a gude and courier.

Extensive knowledge of survival skills, learnt out of necessity whilst travelling, mostly from rangers and other wanderers that she has tagged along with. She likes to feel that she can be as indeendent as possible, so learning to survive on her travels was important to her and she worked very hard to perfect the various skills she needed. They are by no means faultless, but the sheer distances she has covered stand testament to her practical competence.

Knows a lot about wildlife and how to treat it, in particular how not to get eaten up. She is very intersted in wildlife, and her curiosity has had to be metered with a hard learned cautiousness as she learns exactly how to act towards the different animals she encounters, as well as what happens if you get it wrong.

Some rudimentary knowledge of field medicine, but well practiced in the vital basics. This was learned in the same way, and for much the same reasons, as her survival skills; most experimentation was carried out on herself, out of necessity, and as a result she is reasonably confident in treating bites, stings, cuts, mild fevers and even the less serious broken bones.

A skilled horse rider, through practise and a close relationship with her own horse Ba. She hasn't had much chance to ride other horses, but it seems likely that her skill at riding stems mainly from the fact that both steed and rider are a little bit mad, mad enough to not be scared. Ba is a show off, and loves to run and jump, and Seth has ridden him long enough to know exactly how he moves, and to trust him not to throw her even if she is standing up in the saddle.

Practiced in stealth and concealment- good at hiding. Her father's demanding tutelage had her educated in the principles and practices of stealth and concealment since she was aged 7, and then her fellow darkpriest students' ruthless persecution gave her ample cause for exploring a more practical side to these skills. Since then they have been her first resort in any crisis.

Very good night vision due to spending long periods in enforced darkness. See weaknesses and history.

Trained since childhood in Nightclaw fencing by her father (age 7- 15). Her father was a strict and demanding tutor, seeing it as vital that his daughter should become a reknowned fighter, in order that this might somehow cancel out her ignoble origins. As a result, he privately taught her nightclaw fencing and stealth from age 7, making her repeat the manouevers(sp?) and excercises for hours, until the key moves and sequences were almost ingrained in her mind. Unlike her concealment skills, Seth goes to great lengths to avoid using the nightclaw, though she can never quite bring herself to  relinquish it altogether.

Weaknesses:
As an exile from the Kasumarii, she is officially an enemy of any such assassin she meets, and they are justified in killing her on sight. She has also made several enemies on her travels who feel the same.

Proudly independent to the point where she doesn’t always accept help where she really should.

Not what you’d call mentally stable. It’s probable she was always different, but her childhood hasn’t helped. She has strange tendencies such as staring into space for long periods of time, smiling at inappropriate moments, and becoming suddenly very quiet or violently angry over what might seem to be small things, such as people killing insects.
A heightened sensitivity to light caused by her “training” as a darkpriest. Bright light causes her acute pain behind her eyes, as spending hours smothered in the magically created shadows her peers created to taunt her reduced her pupils ability to shrink with increasing light levels. Really, she sees best in almost darkness.

Scar on her wrist restricts movement slightly in her right hand, affecting her dexterity and grip - she can’t hold onto things very tightly with that hand, or for very long, and trying to do so causes persistent pain that can linger all day.

History:
Her father was a high ranking Kasumarii Nightson, and her mother an Azhorhrian dignitary sent to learn the unique Kasumarii ways of fighting by training as a Korenjaan. The pair had an affair that lasted the length of her training, when she upped and left him with their 3 month old child – she had neglected to mention that she was married back home. He gave the girl the Azhorhrian surname Ghibta, in remembrance of her mother. As a result of his “bereavement”, he was always fairly cold to Seth, treating her upbringing as a job to complete, and complete well, but not necessarily with any enjoyment of the chore. He taught her Nightclaw fencing, stealth and concealment from an early age, and saw to it that she was enrolled as a darkpriest, but there he saw his duties fulfilled.

Seth proved adept at fencing and concealment, but as she grew up, she increasingly questioned the inherent violence of her society and when, at age 15, she was enrolled to begin training in shadowmancy, she utterly failed to achieve any results. Other students, and even teachers, bullied her relentlessly for this, often casting magical shadows to follow her around for whole days, causing her to develop an abnormal sensitivity to light. For almost a year, she continued the fruitless battle with darkpriest training. At age 16 she was expelled from the temple by despairing tutors, and finally snapped. She stole her father’s concealment mask and Nightclaw, and stowed away on a ship bound for anywhere other than Cyhalloi, using her stealth skills to avoid detection. Since then she’s travelled across the whole of Santharia, making and avoiding enemies.

One of the more notable of these is a mage who paid her to guide him across The Shaded Forest, along with his vicious and malnourished “pet” mermäc, which had to be kept in a cage strapped onto a cart, as it was completely untamed and its owner was clearly scared of it. Unfortunately, only a couple of days away from the end of their journey, the mage, an impatient and paranoid individual, got drunk on a stash of scumble he had kept hidden. When Seth realised how sloshed he was and tried to get him to go quietly to bed and sleep it off, he took it as a threat and decided that she wasn’t a guide at all. He beleived that she had lured him out into the woods to kill him and take his belongings. He flew into a paranoid frenzy and released the mermäc, which promptly attacked him. The only way Seth could get it to release him was by jamming her right forearm into its mouth until it started to choke, had to release her and ran off. She patched up the mage – he was lucky and had only superficial wounds, then drugged him and put him on the cart to drag to the nearest village, which was 3 hours of painfully slow travel away.

By the time she got there she had lost all feeling in her arm and was half unconscious through loss of blood. There were a couple of teeth stuck in her arm that did all the explaining when worried villagers tried to find out what had happened, which was lucky as she was too tired to talk. Unfortunately they also caused an infection that kept her bedridden until long after the mage had recovered and left, though he did leave an impression on the villagers, who treated Seth with suspicion until she was well enough to leave.

Her horse was obtained from a man in a pub who bet her she couldn’t stay on him for five minutes. She could, and so made another minor enemy of a man who had been promised an untameable bronco as an attraction for his horse fair.

Lias, her garthook, was given to her to deliver to a sorceress as a secret signal warning her that she was at risk from an assassination plot. But, when Seth arrived, it was too late. The sorceress had been killed by the poisoned garthook stew she had eaten for dinner the previous night. Seeing as she wasn’t going to get paid for the job, Seth decided to keep the garthook.

Weapons:
The Nightclaw stolen from her father, used only when there’s absolutely no other choice, and even then usually as a threat, but she is nonetheless skilled with it, and keeps in practice.

Belongings:
A white bone mask, also stolen from Cyhalloi and used when she wants to be dramatically anonymous.

Familiars:
A young male Kor’och fey mologh of foul disposition, known as Ba. He is black with an unusually short mane that stands up almost like a crest. Aggressive and moody, he is as unpredictable as his rider and has left many would-be horse thieves doubled up and wheezing with pain after they met a big round hoof coming the wrong way.

Seth also owns a pet garthook, also male, very big and a lustrous red-brown colour. He is well trained in crowing at just the right moment. He gets more exercise than most garthooks, and so is a fairly strong flier. His name is Lias.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2008, 06:38:12 AM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged

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Seth's CD
Micmir94
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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2008, 05:10:37 PM »

You should put it in the right format.  Look at some approved character's CDs to get an idea of the format.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2008, 05:11:10 PM by Valen Vandree » Logged
seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2008, 08:52:59 PM »

thank you, have done, will do additions in green.
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2008, 12:25:01 AM »

Hi venturer!

First thing - you need to title your CD with your character's Name/Tribe/Occupation. Do that and I can give more comments.  ;)
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seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2008, 12:37:38 AM »

done thast, should i change it back to status 2 - comments welcomed, now?
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Eléyr Fásamár
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« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2008, 12:43:46 AM »

Yep.
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2008, 08:43:01 AM »

You still have the 'venturer' in your subject line, which shouldn't be there. Unless her name is venturer?
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seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2008, 04:45:09 PM »

nope, soory, i forgot about that, ive changed it now.
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Belyan Cuivizanel
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Half-Elf, Eophyrhim/ Kuglimz


« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2008, 10:33:54 PM »

Hello Seth. First of all, could you write your Title with initial capital letters? It's probably not necessary but I think it's kind of standard: "Seth Ghibta, Kasumarii / Azhorhrian, Guide and Courier". Comments in red.

Species: Human

Gender: Female

Age: 22

Maternal tribe: Ash-qibla of the Azhorhrian people

Paternal tribe: Kasumarii.

Occupation: Guide and courier or messenger.

Overview: Walks like a fencer, smiles like a demon, talks too fast in too many languages, a little bit insane, probably in a good way.

Appearance:
(Paragraph)
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores tall

Hair: Straight bone white, cut about one inch above shoulder length, with a couple of strands braided in coloured silk and tin beads.

Eyes: Large, and almond shaped with long lashes and deep copper coloured irises.
(Paragraph)
Physical appearance: Her hair contrasts vividly with her skin the colour of wet sand, inherited from her mother. Her fairly short slim figure is characteristic for the Kasumarii. The Face is more Azhorhrian, she has high cheek bones but they're  not angular. Red stripe tattoos run from her eyes to her chin, and she has a black demon tattoo on one shoulder (How does it exactly look like? Is it covered or visibile?). Just under her ribs on her left side is a large silvery grey coloured scar, caused by the horn of a black unicorn (See history section). On the inside of her right wrist is a long jagged crescent shaped scar, left by the maw of a mermac (By its maw? How? See history section).

Clothes: She wears dusty black, usually heavily patched clothes. Close fitting long sleeved shirt in silk or light wool, black or faded saffron. Arms often bound from knuckles to elbow in black silk ribbons to keep sleeves out of the way. Footwear is calf-length buckskin riding boots, soft soled for silent movement. If the weather is bad, or she wants to be dramatic, she wears a heavy felt jacket with a big hood and scarf around her face, sometimes also a Kasumarii concealment mask. (The Santharian version of silk is called spilk)

Personality: Fiercely independent and insatiably curious, sometimes reclusive, sometimes friendly and outgoing. She is nothing if not fickle and unpredictable. Intelligent and adventurous, she is prone to recklessness and gets carried away with ideas, not always thinking things through. Nonetheless, she is capable, hardy and quick thinking when it matters. Has a powerful aversion to violence.

Strengths: Well travelled (for the last 6 years) with extensive knowledge of survival skills, wildlife, field medicine and languages. (These are all separate strengths. Also list which languages she speaks and how good she is in each)
 A skilled horse rider, good with animals. (How good with animals? Btw. this is also is a separate strength)
Extremely good at stealth and concealment, trained in fencing, and unarmed combat. Very quick. (These are four different strengths)

Weaknesses: As an exile from the Kasumarii, she is officially an enemy of any such assassin she meets, and they are justified in killing her on sight, and she has made several enemies on her travels who feel the same.
Proudly independent to the point where she doesn’t always accept help where she really should.
A heightened sensitivity to light and dark caused by her training as a darkpreist. (These are two different weaknesses. Explain exactly how she reacts in total darkness/extreme light)

With all your strengths, you'll need much more weaknesses: List her insanity and inability to think things through as well as some more.


History: Her father was a high ranking Kasumarii nightson, and her mother an Azhorhrian dignitary sent to learn the unique Kasumarii ways of fighting by training as a korenjaan. The pair had an affair that lasted the length of her training, when she upped and left him with a 3 month old child – she had neglected to mention that she was married back home. He gave the girl the Azhorhrian surname Ghibta in remembrance of her. As a result of his “bereavement” he was always fairly cold to Seth, treating her upbringing as a job to complete, and complete well, but not necessarily with any enjoyment of the chore. He taught her nightclaw fencing, stealth, concealment and unarmed combat from an early age, and saw to it that she was enrolled as a darkpreist, but there he saw his duties fulfilled. Seth proved adept at fencing and the other skills he taught her, but as she grew up increasingly questioned the inherent violence of her society, and as a result found it impossible to master shadowmancy. Age 16 she was expelled from her darkpriest training, and finally snapped. She stole her father's concealment mask and nightclaw, and stowed away on a ship bound for anywhere other than Cyhalloi, using her stealth skills to avoid detection. Since then she’s travelled across the whole of Santharia, making and avoiding enemies.
one of the more notable of these is a black unicorn that attacked her when she was exploring its swamp home, leaving her with a large scar that would have killed her if she hadnt been able to get to safety on a horseback.

You need to extend this section significantly and at least clear some inconsistencies: When she is so young, she can't be that good in all skills and have started a training as a darkpriest, or why did she travel all the way from Northen Sarvonia/Cyhalloi to Nybelmar to encounter a magical beast like the black unicorn? Where did she meet the mermac who left the other scar? And where did suddenly the horse appear? Have a look at other CDs so you get an idea how many details they usually provide!

Weapons: The nightclaw stolen from her father, used only when there’s absolutely no other choice, and even then usually as a threat, but she is nonetheless skilled with it, and keeps in practice.

Belongings: A white bone mask, also stolen from Cyhalloi and used when she wants to be dramatically anonymous.

Familiars: A young male Kor’och fey mologh of foul disposition, known as Ba. Black with an unusually short mane that stands up almost like a crest. Aggressive and moody, he is as unpredictable as his rider and has left many would-be horse thieves doubled up and wheezing with pain after they met a big round hoof coming the wrong way. Seth also owns a pet garthook, also male, very big and a lustrous red-brown colour, well trained in crowing at just the right moment. He gets more exercise than most garthooks, and so is a fairly strong flier. His name is Lias. (You'll have to include in your history section how she got the garthook)

You've started very well...her being semi-insane immediately caught my attention  evil Work on that! Develop her insanitiy and describe it in more details.

« Last Edit: July 28, 2008, 02:34:03 AM by Belyan Cuivizanel » Logged

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seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2008, 04:31:56 AM »

i think thats everything- major changes in green- how's that?
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Mannix
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Elf, Aellenrhim


« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2008, 08:34:49 PM »

Seth, could you go through your CD, and check for spelling, grammar and capitalisations.  I'd do it now, but saddly I don't have the time.  Oh, and Belyan suggested you capitalise your title, it's a good suggestion.  The one above this post is how it should look. ;)  Good luck.

Mannix
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Nox Echiiscuan
Macabre Marionette
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Human, Kasumarii


« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2008, 10:36:34 PM »

Quote
All of my comments will be made glamorous in gold.


Name:  Seth Ghibta

 Race:
Human

Gender: Female

Age: 22

Tribe:   (Maternally) Ash-qibla of the Azhorhrian people
                                      (Paternally)  Kasumarii.

Occupation: Guide and courier or messenger.

Overview: Walks like a fencer, smiles like a demon, talks too fast in too many languages, a little bit insane, probably in a good way. (You don't mention anywhere in her CD that she had learned more than one language. Being bilingual is a strength and should be listed in her Strengths section and mentioned at least very briefly in her History section.)

Appearance:
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores tall

Physical Appearance:
Her bone white hair, cut about<-Remove.) a couple of nailsbreadths above shoulder length, has a couple of strands braided in coloured silk and tin beads.
Her large, almond shaped eyes with<-have long lashes<-Comma.) deep copper coloured irises, and abnormally large pupils.
(Space)
Her hair contrasts vividly with her skin<-Comma.) which is the colour of wet sand, inherited from her mother. Her fairly short<-Comma. slim figure is characteristic for the Kasumarii. Her face is more Azhorhrian,<-Semicolon.) she has high cheek bones<-Comma.) but they’re not angular. Red stripe tattoos run from her eyes to her chin, and she has a black demon tattoo on one shoulder, which is shaped like a little stick figure with claws and a wispy tail. It is just high up enough to be uncovered, provide<-provided she's not wearing a coat,<-Period.) shaped like a little stick figure with claws and a wispy tail.<-Remove.) On the inside of her right wrist is a long jagged<-Comma.) crescent shaped scar, left by the maw of a mermäc. (Quick question, which shoulder is the demon tattoo on?)

Clothes: She wears dusty black trousers, usually heavily patched.<-Comma.) and a close fitting long sleeved shirt in spilk or light wool, black or faded saffron. Her arms are often bound from knuckles to elbow in black spilk ribbons to keep her sleeves out of the way. Her footwear is calf-length buckskin riding boots, soft soled for silent movement. If the weather is bad, or she wants to be dramatic, she wears a heavy felt jacket with a big hood and scarf around her face, sometimes also a Kasumarii concealment mask.

Personality: Seth is fiercely independent and insatiably curious, sometimes reclusive, sometimes friendly and outgoing. She is nothing if not fickle and unpredictable. Intelligent and adventurous, she is prone to recklessness and gets carried away with ideas, not always thinking things through. Nonetheless, she is capable, hardy and quick thinking when it matters. She has a powerful aversion to violence. She can be illogical and occasionally incomprehensible, as she is, as it is often put when she is out of earshot, “not all there”.

Strengths: Well travelled<-traveled (for the last 7 years).
(Space)
Extensive knowledge of survival skills<-Period.)
(Space)
Knows a lot about wildlife and how to treat it, in particular how not to get eaten up.
(Space)
Some rudimentary knowledge of field medicine, but well practised<-practiced in the vital basics.
(Space)
 A skilled horse rider.
(Space)
Practised<-Practiced in stealth and concealment- good at hiding.
(Space)
 Trained since childhood in Nightclaw fencing by her father<-Period.) (age 7- 15)
(Space)
 Trained from age 7 to 15 in unarmed combat, which has been added to after that by self defence<-defense learned from experience.

Weaknesses: As an exile from the Kasumarii, she is officially an enemy of any such assassin she meets, and they are justified in killing her on sight,<-Period.) She has also made several enemies on her travels who feel the same.
(Space)
Proudly independent to the point where she doesn’t always accept help where she really should.
(Space)
Not what you’d call mentally stable. It’s probable she was always different, but her childhood hasn’t helped,<-Period.) She has strange tendencies such as staring into space for long periods of time, smiling at inappropriate moments, and becoming suddenly very quiet or violently angry over what might seem to be small things, such as people killing insects. (This weakness would be good to add into your Personality section as well.)
(Space)
A heightened sensitivity to light caused by her “training” as a darkpreist. Bright light causes her acute pain behind her eyes, as spending hours smothered in the magically created shadows her peers created to taunt her reduced her pupils ability to shrink with increasing light levels. Really<-Comma.) she sees best in almost darkness. (The fact that she sees so well in darkness should be added to her Strengths section, as not everyone has all that great of eyesight in the dark.)
(Space)
Scar on her wrist restricts movement slightly in her right hand, affecting her dexterity and grip – she can’t hold onto things very tightly with that hand, or for very long, and trying to do so causes persistent pain that can linger all day.

History: Her father was a high ranking Kasumarii Nightson, and her mother an Azhorhrian dignitary sent to learn the unique Kasumarii ways of fighting by training as a Korenjaan. The pair had an affair that lasted the length of her training, when she upped and left him with their 3 month old child – she had neglected to mention that she was married back home. He gave the girl the Azhorhrian surname Ghibta<-Comma.) in remembrance of her mother. As a result of his “bereavement”<-Comma.) he was always fairly cold to Seth, treating her upbringing as a job to complete, and complete well, but not necessarily with any enjoyment of the chore. He taught her Nightclaw fencing, stealth, concealment and unarmed combat from an early age, and saw to it that she was enrolled as a darkpreist, but there he saw his duties fulfilled.
(Space)
Seth proved adept at fencing and the other skills he taught her,<-Period.) But<-Comma.) as she grew up<-Comma.) she increasingly questioned the inherent violence of her society,<-Remove comma.) and when, at age 15, she was enrolled to begin training in shadowmancy, she utterly failed to achieve any results. Other students, and even teachers, bullied her relentlessly for this, often casting magical shadows to follow her around for whole days, causing her to develop an abnormal sensitivity to light. For almost a year<-Comma.) she continued the fruitless battle with darkpreist training,<-Period.) Atl age 16 she was expelled from the temple by despairing tutors, and finally snapped. She stole her father’s concealment mask and Nightclaw, and stowed away on a ship bound for anywhere other than Cyhalloi, using her stealth skills to avoid detection. Since then she’s travelled across the whole of Santharia, making and avoiding enemies.
(Space)
One of the more notable of these is a mage who paid her to guide him across The Shaded Forest, along with his vicious and malnourished “pet” mermäc, which had to be kept in a cage strapped onto a cart, as it was completely untamed and its owner was clearly scared of it. Unfortunately, only a couple of days away from the end of their journey, the mage, an impatient and paranoid individual, got drunk on a stash of scumble he had kept hidden. When Seth realised how sloshed he was and tried to get him to go quietly to bed and sleep it off, he took it as a threat and decided that she wasn’t a guide at all<-Period.) He believed that she had lured him out into the woods to kill him and take his belongings. He flew into a paranoid frenzy and released the mermäc, which promptly attacked him. The only way Seth could get it to release him was by jamming her right forearm into its mouth until it started to choke, had to release her and ran off. She patched up the mage – he was lucky and had only superficial wounds, then drugged him and put him on the cart to drag to the nearest village, which was 3 hours of painfully slow travel away.
(Space)
By the time she got there she had lost all feeling in her arm and was half unconscious through loss of blood. There were a couple of teeth stuck in her arm that did all the explaining when worried villagers tried to find out what had happened, which was lucky as she was too tired to talk. Unfortunately they also caused an infection that kept her bedbound<-bedridden until long after the mage had recovered and left, though he did leave an impression on the villagers, who treated Seth with suspicion until she was well enough to leave.
(Space)
Her horse was obtained from a man in a pub who bet her she couldn’t stay on him for five minutes. She could, and so made another minor enemy of a man who had been promised an untameable bronco as an attraction for his horse fair.
(Space)
Lias, her garthook, was given to her to deliver to a sorceress as a secret signal warning her that she was at risk from an assassination plot,<-Period.) But<-Comma.) when Seth arrived<-Comma.) it was too late<-Period.) The sorceress had been killed by the poisoned garthook stew she had eaten for dinner the previous night. Seeing as she wasn’t going to get paid for the job, Seth decided to keep the garthook.

Weapons: The Nightclaw stolen from her father, used only when there’s absolutely no other choice, and even then usually as a threat, but she is nonetheless skilled with it, and keeps in practice.

Belongings: A white bone mask, also stolen from Cyhalloi and used when she wants to be dramatically anonymous.

Familiars: A young male Kor’och fey mologh of foul disposition, known as Ba. He is black with an unusually short mane that stands up almost like a crest. Aggressive and moody, he is as unpredictable as his rider and has left many would-be horse thieves doubled up and wheezing with pain after they met a big round hoof coming the wrong way.
(Space)
Seth also owns a pet garthook, also male, very big and a lustrous red-brown colour, he is well trained in crowing at just the right moment. He gets more exercise than most garthooks, and so is a fairly strong flier. His name is Lias.


Over all, it's a pretty good CD. However, you have a lot of grammatical problems, such as capitalization, punctuation, and - the biggest issue that you had - incomplete thoughts. Simply put, you had a lot of fragment sentences. Please make sure that all of your sentences are complete thoughts.

Anyway. I'm going to put your Pencil icon up. Please work on integrating all of my comments and, when you are finished, throw the Comments Welcomed icon back up to let us know that you are ready for another look through. Also, please make certain to color all of your changes.

Bobspeed,
heart ~ Nox ~ heart
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seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2008, 05:36:43 PM »

all right, i think thats everything- sorry about the grammar etc, i tend to rush when im writing, should really go over it more, and will do my best to in future.  Roll Eyes
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violence is not the answer, but you get marks if you show your working.
Seth's CD
Nox Echiiscuan
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Human, Kasumarii


« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2008, 06:14:29 PM »

Hmm. Okay. Lets catch thew few little buggers one by one, shall we?


Quote from: your Overview Section
Walks like a fencer, smiles like a demon, stares like a mildly confused owl, either at nothing at all, or, worse, directly at you.  A little bit insane, probably in a good way.

Remove the comma after "demon", then place an "and" between "demon" and "stares".
Put "She's" at the beginning of the second sentence.

Quote from: your first two paragraphs of your Physical Appearance Section
Her bone white hair,  about a couple of nailsbreadths above shoulder length, has a couple of strands braided in coloured silk and tin beads.
Her large, almond shaped eyes have long lashes deep copper coloured irises, and abnormally large pupils.

The "about" in the first sentence should be "cut".
And I'd also suggest making both of those paragraphs into one.

Quote from: in the last paragraph of your Physical Appearance Section
Red stripe tattoos run from her  eyes to her chin, and she has a black demon tattoo on her left  shoulder, just high up enough to be uncovered, provide she's not wearing a coat.

Why did you completely remove the description of what the demon tattoo looks like?
Also, "provide" should be "provided".


Alright! That's pretty much it, Seth. Oh yeah, you have a bit of broken coding where you put your Tribe. Once you fix up those scant few nitpicks that I have for you, I'd be happy to give you your first approval.

Bobspeed,
heart ~ Nox ~ heart
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seth ghibta
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human, Kasumarii/ Azhorhrian


« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2008, 08:21:43 PM »

 grin thank you! i think thats everything!
for some reason its all in red and green now, but id rather not change that (unless it's a problem); its kinda festive ;). thank you for all your input,
                                                                                seth
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violence is not the answer, but you get marks if you show your working.
Seth's CD
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