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Author Topic: Serpentfang/ Psyrpent/ Mercenary and Caravan Guard  (Read 7475 times)
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Serpentfang
Serpent Sniper
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Psyrpent


« on: August 08, 2008, 03:42:56 AM »

Name given by the Brood Mother: Serpentfang
Name given by his non-psyrpent companions: Jarrox, from being clumsy (jar-head) and having the strength of an ox. Fortunately, the psyrpent hasn't figured this out yet.
Gender: Male
Age: 47
Race: Psyrpents
Clan: Claws of Queprur
Guild: Bloodclaws
Occupation: Mercenary and Caravan Guard
Title: Serpent Sniper

Appearance:
Height: 2 peds and one fore
Weight: 470 ods
Hair Color: Psyrpents have no hair, but they have scales.
Scale Color: Black with speckles of white on his back and arms.
Eye Color: Dark Red

Physical Appearance:
A black-scaled Psyrpent of huge proportions with fangs and red eyes, the sight of Serpentfang is enough to scare people away. His sheer size hinders any quick movements, but he can pack a punch(or two, depending on his opponent) against others, if he did enough of them. Most people will assume him to be a monster if not for the clothing he wore. It's not fancy, but at least it is an indication hat he is not a wild beast. Claws, each measuring two nailsbreadths, adorn each of his hands and feet, while a one ped, one fore tail with three spikes graces his... behind.

Clothing:
As a member of the Claws, He wears the heavy plate armor the others of his guild prefer. He also has a chain hauberk reaching up to his ankles, the reason for this armor is to allow a greater freedom of movement. The suit gives out an impression of a robe made out of metal. A helmet protects his skull, and underneath it is a chain coif for extra protection. His hands are too shiny to be covered in gloves, although he wears silver-colored metal bracers to protect his forearms. A pair of metal greaves completes his armor, and the scales on his feet is protection enough from dirt, thorns, and sharp rocks. A shabby brown tunic is worn under the armor, to protect his body from snow and sand. He also has a drab colored cloak to keep out the wind and the chill.

Of course, one does not wear armor everyday unless he is an on duty city guard, so the Psyrpent had spent quite an amount of money for his other belongings. A circlet with an intricate green gem in the center was custom made for him since his head is bigger than a human head, and the gem was taken from his collections. He wears a green and purple silk robe, with long sleeves and a hood to protect his eyes and arms from the glaring sun. As always, he doesn't wear any shoes nor sandals, but he wears a pair of anklets, and on his arms and wrists are two pairs of bangles that fit perfectly.

Personality:
Jarrox is very aloof and indifferent towards strangers. He is the silent type, not because he can't speak, but rather he does not want to interact with other very much. From living with people of all races through many years of traveling, he has learned to trust some of them, but it is not common. He would only ally himself with others if they have the same goal, or if there is a profit in it for him. Dwarves are an exception on this though, for in Psyrpent belief, dwarf-like is synonymous with strong and trustworthy.

With a large, snapping jaw full of teeth and an unpredictable behavior, he is an intimidating creature to say the least. But he is loyal to those whom he would call friend for reasons all his own. Those that shows exceptional kindness to the Psyrpent, like keeping him company despite his cold attitude to others and giving him food, earns his respect. Betrayal has never been a word in his dictionary, because he doesn't want to be like the elves. More often than not he has been known to help an ally in need, but he wouldn't go so far as to risk his life for that individual. He had also been termed in the Psyrpent enclave as one that is trustworthy, since for him it is better to be like a dwarf rather than be an elf or a human.

Gold, gems, psyrpent crystals, and treasures are the things that motivates him to do something. Rolls of dyed cloth that can be made into new robes or tunics is his weakness too; Fabrics of different kinds like silk, cotton, linen, etc. will do. From his travels into different dwarven communities he has learned how to smoke a pipe and to drink beer, and different customs are slowly creeping into Jarrox's lifestyle. He even has a collection of different gemstones, bought from dwarves when he has a chance to visit a trading settlement.

Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:

Psychic Abilities: Common amongst the order of the Claws, these individuals have inborn abilities not known to other races. By concentrating his psychic powers on an individual, Jarrox can cause fear and minor but troublesome headaches, and if prolonged, can cause extreme pain. Communicating telepathically between Psyrpents is very much like talking with each other.

Blood trance: Every member of the claw possesses the ability to enter into a blood trance, thereby increasing their telepathic skills. Unfortunately, his friend-foe recognition is reduced to nothing as well.

Archery: Serpentfang was trained in the use of the bow to serve as support for the psyrpent army. His accuracy and precision with the weapon makes him a deadly opponent at a distance.

Strength: It is obvious from his size that he can hold himself in a melee combat. His fists or tail usually does the job, though not as well as his bow or his maul.

Fletching: Arrows can be depleted very quickly. So as not to run out of ammunition, the Psyrpent has learned the art of making his own ammo. Chop a few branches from a tree, smooth down the sides, sharpen one end, and cut a notch at the other end and a crude arrow is now ready to use. Making a perfectly streamlined arrow is hard though, and it takes some time to finish one. Buying arrows is very hard to accomplish because he often has little money with which to purchase some.

Great maul: A great maul is a type of sledgehammer used for combat. Although he was trained by the Claws to wield a melee weapon, his knowledge of how to properly handle one is limited, since the majority of his training is with bows. What he knows about the weapon is to swing it side by side until a hit connects, then bring the hammer down for a fatal blow.

David: A very dependable dog when the need becomes dire, the Voldon dog has enough strength to tackle an individual to the ground depending on his/her size. A properly placed bite can be potentially fatal to the recipient.

Weaknesses:
Intimidating: As it is not common for a two legged snake to go skipping inside a city, people of other races find it hard to talk -- or pay attention, for that matter -- to what Jarrox wants. Others would rather run away than risk getting "snake bitten". Other towns with an ignorant population will try to drive him away, often with the use of force when necessary. Other, more adventurous people would try to hunt down the "great lizard", maybe for profit or for renown.

Psyrpent Beliefs: Elves - treacherous, birdlike, and pitiful? True. Humans - impatient little barbarians? Also true. These beliefs cling to Jarrox like dirt that lodged in his scales, thus he finds it hard to "communicate" with species of these kinds. And in a world where humans and elves multiply like rabbits, this can get him into a lot of trouble. His most common reaction to both humans and elves is to snap and growl at them first, then ask questions later. Many times has the opportunity for assistance been lost due to his cold attitude towards these races.

Hot Headed: You can't fry eggs on his bald head. The Claws of Queprur are hatched with a quick temper, thus it is no surprise that they are easily provoked to anger and they are very stubborn. There are many instances wherein a peaceful negotiation turns into a fight when, in the course of trying to communicate with others, he ends up losing his temper and acts rashly. Various consequences can happen, but the most common is being driven away by the local guards.

Slow: Yes, he's big and he's got two left feet to boot, but he'll be really blessed if he could run a few paces faster than a dwarf. Blocking any quick moves is also hard to accomplish. He's one of the slowest Psyrpents, much like his slithering cousins.

Greedy: His love for all things shiny and colorful led to many disagreements. Even though he was paid the proper wage for his services, he always thinks that he has been cheated. he has also been fooled several times by con men who promised him much gold and bolts of dyed silk for certain services, only to have them disappear when the time comes to get his pay.

Clumsy: Stumbling while walking or running is a common event for Jarrox. He often bumps other people unintentionally, hitting their faces with his elbows, bumping others, stepping on their toes, dropping bolts while reloading and nearly cutting off his fingers while fletching. He does not mean to do any of those things, but his eyes are so high up that he has difficulty seeing where he is going.

Blood Trance: While under this effect, The Psyrpent cannot differentiate between friend or foe, although another member of the Claws in a blood trance can be identified as a friend under this skill. As the people whom he travels with are mostly non-Psyrpents, his companions are always in danger of being attacked by the lizard. His companion's common defense against this snake in their midst is to wrestle him to the ground, battering and bruising him so as to render him immobile and therefore unable to attack until his trance ends. Also, blood trance is somewhat similar to being berserk, and charging towards an enemy or a group of enemies with nothing but his fists is not a good idea.

Loner: The introvert psyrpent engages in idle chats every now and then, but almost always he can be found by himself, away from his supposed companions. He would set up camp away from the others, eat by himself, and pretty much does things himself. Mundane tasks can be accomplished faster and easier if he only learned how to talk to others and ask for help.

David: Since the Voldon dog is Jarrox's most beloved companion, he is reluctant to place him in situations wherein it will be exposed to harm. Whenever the dog is in danger, the psyrpent has this tendency to drop everything, even his concentration and current opponents he is facing, and charge straight to the aid of his dog. This behavior makes the psyrpent vulnerable and is often the cause of most of his injuries.

History:
Ten eggs were laid by the Broodmother in the Psyrpent Domain of Tsor-Klasants. The matriarch knows that hatching these would take up to five months, but patiently she guarded them. Finally the time came when the eggs are to be hatched, and the lizard looked on as ten tiny reptiles emerged from the shells. She took care of them and taught them so that they'll grow up to become strong warriors and diligent artisans for the community. After ten years, she sent them off to different sects, to learn their craft and to be able to better maintain the growing Psyrpent Dominion.

One of the young lizard, named by the Broodmother as Serpentfang due the abnormally large fangs he possesses, was sent to the Claws of Queprur for battle training. He was placed in the Bloodclaws' guild, and although he was initially trained to handle the heavy melee weapons, he never seemed to perfect it. Instead he was trained in the use of the bow, a ranged weapon that the Bloodclaws, as much as possible, would not prefer. A sect whose tactics revolves around charging towards an enemy in a blood trance has no room for a ranged combatant, but eventually his skill with the weapon is not to be denied. He was, however, also trained in the use of melee weapons because it is unthinkable to have a member of the Claws untrained in such weapons. After fifteen years of practice, he was assigned as a guard for a caravan of Psyrpent crystals headed for PraFeroonKorTyr. The mission was a success, and the group returned with foodstuffs, colored cloth, and gold. However, Jarrox felt that he was deprived of his proper share of the profit. Coupled by the guild's disapproval of ranged combatants, the Psyrpent felt that he was unwanted, or more precisely, that he was doing the community no good. Many other missions followed after that and soon he had enough money to buy, piece by piece, a fairly complete set of armor.

A patrol duty along the boundaries of Tsor-Klasants turned into a fight between a group of Psyrpent guards and Helvet'ine Kuglimz warriors. The humans were traveling through a pass when they were stopped by the Psyrpents. In futile sign language (since the psyrpent is not versed in the language the warriors speak) the Psyrpent-leader tried to tell them that the pass contains one of the entrances to their realm; thus he held up his claws as an effort to tell them that they cannot pass. The proud and arrogant barbarians must have misinterpreted these, for they thought that these serpent-men are challenging their strength. One whom they took to be their leader prodded his horse forward and rudely brushed one of the guards aside. The hot tempered Psyrpent looked surprised for a moment, then he grabbed the hair of the warrior and slammed him to the ground. Other members of the troop rushed at the lizard, which in turned where defended by the rest of the Psyrpent guard. Unable to accept that their pride be wounded by creatures this low, the humans drew weapons and attacked two Psyrpents, and fierce fighting ensued. Jarrox experienced his first battle, in which he planted a cruel arrow in a warrior's throat. After the skirmish the rest of the patrol pulled their wounded to the safety of their community, but not without looting the bodies of the dead warriors.

Of course, the Broodmother council was enraged by the attacks. Jarrox found not only anger, but also excitement in that last skirmish. Angry for the way those human dogs treat the Psyrpent as if they're lower than dirt, and excited, because he has never experienced a battle before. If one can make money and at the same time loot the belongings of the fallen, then why would he stick to being a caravan guard and be 'cheated' out of his pay? He decided to leave the Psyrpent cities and it's underground tunnels to live a life of a mercenary, but the job is not what he expected. Potential customers are terrified at the sight of a giant lizard, and he in turn do not trust his would be employers easily. Most of them were humans and elves, which in Psyrpent belief are synonymous with being treacherous and impatient. There were times when he agrees to accompany a caravan, but he always made sure that his belongings are intact. They are, after all, never to be trusted. But there were times when he was hired by dwarves, the only race he trusts, for above ground trading missions. In his first boat trip, when his human employers assigned him to guard the cargo against thieves and pirates, he became excited at the thought of being able to see more of the world; to him that means more money, and it also means he'll be leaving the service of these pesky humans real soon.

Around the Tandalas he goes, and for a month the journey continued until they've reached a port. During this time he learned to speak a little Tharian, although he never got rid of the hissing part. They continued on foot until they reached the City of Nyermersys, where he soon found out that it is a city full of men and women. Unable to keep still, for fear that these thieves would steal his meager belongings, he quickly accepted his pay, and left the city.

Weapons:
Compound bow: A product of both psyrpentine artisans and dwarven smiths, the bow is the most expensive possession of the psyrpent.
Great maul: Crafted by the dwarves deep inside PraFeroonKorTyr, this hammer is made out of black iron and is modified for the psyrpent.

Armors:
Chain coif: Armor for the head, neck, and shoulders.
Helmet: A plate helmet with slots for the eyes, nose and mouth.
Chain hauberk: A robe like armor made out of interlocking iron rings.
Chest plate: A thick plate armor worn over the hauberk and provides ample protection for the upper body.
Iron bracers: Protection for the forearms.
Iron greaves: Protection for the legs.

Clothing:
The psyrpent has an assortment of clothing (since the world is no fun if there isn't a little fashion in it) but the most common clothing he wears are:
Robe: This is a commonly worn garment of psyrpents. Made out of silk and dyed green and purple with a voluminous hood, the back is pleated towards the ground for his tail.
Gold colored circlet: Crafted by dwarves, this head wear has a single green gem in the center.
Gold bangles: Accessories for the arms. The psyrpent loves shiny things and would buy them if possible.
Anklets: More shinies! These are also colored gold and are seldom seen since they are covered by the robes or the hauberk.


Belongings:
Coin pouch: A small bag to put in his spare coins.
Cloth bag: A big bag to put in his tunic and other items.
Quiver of arrows: A metal and leather container for his arrows.
Sharpening stones: Used to make sure that his hatchet will be able to cut small branches. Sparks produced from striking two sides of the rocks can be used to create a fire.
Tent and bedding: Two rolled up fabrics that serve as his collapsible room. It is worn out from much use.
Fishing pole: Living in the great outdoors can be such a hassle. If hunting doesn't bring in food (which is pretty much all the time because he's no hunter), he can always throw in a line, and if lucky, he'll be able to pull in a nice fish or two.
Wooden box: A glossy box filled with a collection of gemstones.
Pipe: A smoking device of dwarven manufacture.
Lantern: An ingenious device that can keep a fire in.

Familiars:
Name: David
Age: 5 years old
Breed: Voldon Dog
Height: 1 ped and 2 palmspans at the withers.
Length: 2 peds and 2 fores from nose to tail
Weight: 1 pygge and 8 hebs
Hair Color: Dark tan
Eye Color: Gold
Had been with Serpentfang for: 5 years
« Last Edit: February 02, 2012, 08:01:21 PM by Serpentfang » Logged

Serpentfang
Serpent Sniper
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Psyrpent


« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2008, 02:16:47 AM »

Ready for comments.
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Rookie Brownbark
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Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2008, 09:47:08 PM »

Okay, most of your CD seems absolutely fine, although you do need to mention how he got around the Tandala Highlands into Southern Sarvonia as all the stories take place there.

I'm just going to give some more detailed thoughts on the most contreversial part - Strengths and Weaknesses.  Comments in Teal.

Strengths:
Psychic Abilities: Common amongst the order of the Claws, these individuals have inborn abilities not known to other races. Examples of these are the power to cause fear or pain on others, the ability to communicate with others of his own kind telepathically and in extreme cases, the annihilation of minds. This is copied directly from the entry, please rewrite it in your own words, and tell us how good his abilities are.

Heavy Crossbow: A ranged weapon for some, and for others a string instrument. This W.M.D.(Weapon for Man's Destruction) is Jarrox's trusty companion. His accuracy and precision with this weapon, coupled by the firing strength of the crossbow makes him a deadly opponent at a distance.

Strength: It is obvious from his size that he can hold himself in a melee combat. Although he does not carry any decent close range weapons, his fists or tail usually does the job, though not as well as his crossbow. Don't you say that he has extra-long fangs in the history?  That should be mentioned.

Fletching: Crossbow bolts can be depleted very quickly. So as not to run out of ammunition, the Psyrpent has learned the art of making his own ammo. Chop a few branches from a tree, smooth down the sides, sharpen one end, and cut a notch at the other end and a crude bolt is now ready to use.  Are these as good as the ones he could buy?  Does he ever buy some too, as specially-acurrate ones?

Small Hatchet: A small axe used to cut down branches from a tree, this can be used as a crude last resort weapon if enemies managed to close in on him.  And how good is he with it?

You armour should be mentioned here, as should the natural armour of your scales.

Weaknesses:
Psyrpents Cannot Speak: Being unable to communicate with others can be very hard, especially in a world dominated by creatures that can speak. Some more details/examples here would be great, especially as you probably want to emphasise this weakness in order to balance your strengths.

Intimidating: As it is not common for a two legged snake to go skipping inside a city, people of other races find it hard to talk -- or pay attention, for that matter -- to what Jarrox wants. Others would rather run away than risk getting "snake bitten".Again, I think you're missing out on the opportunity for a really strong weakness here - he will be distrusted/driven off by most people, automatically thought to be a murderer if something goes wrong...the world will be generally against him.  I don't really get this feeling from this weakness.

Psyrpent Beliefs: Elves - treacherous, birdlike, and pitiful? True. Humans - impatient little barbarians? Also true. These beliefs cling to Jarrox like dirt that lodged in his scales, thus he finds it hard to "communicate" with species of these kinds. And in a world where humans and elves multiply like rabbits, this can get him into a lot of trouble. Details/examples would make this a more solid weakness and at the moment I find it a bit abstract - what exactly does he have trouble with?

Hot Headed: You can't fry eggs on his bald head. The Claws of Queprur are hatched with a quick temper, thus it is no surprise that they are easily provoked to anger and they are very stubborn. For those foolish enough to step on his tail, expect a lot of hisses.  Ok, bad for others.  But how is this bad for him?

Slow: Yes, he's big and he's got two left feet to boot, but he'll be really blessed if he could run a few paces faster than a dwarf. Blocking any quick moves is also hard to accomplish. He's one of the slowest Psyrpents, much like his slithering cousins.

At the moment you're not balanced, but I think this is partly because you haven't really told us how much some of his weaknesses would really inhibit him.  However, I do think with psychic abilities, excellent ranged and pretty darn good melee abilities, plus armour....you're going to need another weakness.  Possibly one which is not inherant to all pyserpants.  I might be wrong, you might be able to adjust it so he's balanced, so have a go if you would rather not add another, but....hmmm....well...I think it's likely you will need one. 

So, I'm going to pop the pencil icon up for now - see you soon :).
« Last Edit: November 12, 2008, 09:52:01 PM by Rookie Brownbark » Logged

Serpentfang
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Psyrpent


« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2008, 12:22:20 AM »

All done, Rooky.

If you have any suggestions about the S&W's please post them here, so that I may review and list them (If I find it appealing ;) ).
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Serpentfang
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Psyrpent


« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2008, 02:12:00 AM »

Added three new weaknesses, weakened some strengths, added one strength, and improved some weaknesses to balance him out.

Comments are welcome, as this character is going to join a story. grin
« Last Edit: November 19, 2008, 05:16:54 PM by Jarrox Serpentfang » Logged

Miés'efér Lytherá
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« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2008, 06:25:29 AM »

  Other than a few spelling and grammatical errors, I think this is a very well written CD.  This is especialy true with the new balancing of your strengths and weaknesses.  I am by no means an experienced Santharian, so I can not comment on the validity content as a whole, but as I said I think it is well done.  My only suggestion to you, would to be pateint with the moderators, as they are all very busy with all of us other CD entrants (not to mention their personal lives).   ;)

Good luck,
Mifer
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Poem of the Stars is my name, and I hope to reach Santharian fame.
Serpentfang
Serpent Sniper
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Psyrpent


« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2008, 10:54:21 AM »

3 day bump.
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Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2008, 01:45:34 AM »

OK Zann, seeing as there have been no comments on any CDs in a while, I am coming to your rescue. Comments in your favorite color.

Name: Jarrox Serpentfang
Gender: Male
Age: 47
Race: Psyrpents
Clan: Claws of Queprur
Guild: Bloodclaws
Occupation: Mercenary and Caravan Guard
Title: Serpent Sniper

Appearance:
Height: 2 peds and one fore
Weight: 470 ods
Hair Color: Psyrpents have no hair, but they have scales.
Scale Color: Black with speckles of white on his back and arms.
Eye Color: Dark Red
Physical Appearance:
A black-scaled Psyrpent of huge proportions with fangs and red eyes, the sight of Jarrox is enough to scare people away. His sheer size hinders any quick movements, but he can pack a punch(or two, depending on his opponent) against others, if he did enough of them. Most people will assume him to be a monster if not for the clothing he wore. It's not fancy, but at least it is an indication hat he is not a wild beast. Claws, each measuring two nailsbreadths, adorn each of his hands and feet, while a one ped, one fore tail with three spikes graces his... behind.

I'd really like to see a lot more here. Psyrpents are a very unusual race(you'll certainly be the only one on the RP board), and so you need a very detailed appearance section since few people will have any idea what a psyrpent looks like. Especially you need details about his face. I know its supposed to be snakelike, but I don't think psyrpents are all carbon copies of each other.

Clothing: As a member of the Claws, his clothing includes a thick, silver-colored plate mail armor for the upper body, while a chain armor cover his lower body up to the ankles to allow a greater freedom of movement. A horned helmet protects his skull. His hands are too shiny to be covered in gloves, although he wears silver-colored metal bracers to protect his forearms. A large metal pavise(shield with a stand) provides a temporary wall for the arbalist that let's him fire and reload bolts. A pair of metal greaves completes his armor, and the scales on his feet is protection enough from dirt, thorns, and sharp rocks. A shabby brown tunic is worn under the armor, to protect his body from snow and sand.

Of course, one does not wear armor everyday unless he is an on duty city guard (as a member of the Bloodclaws, he is required to patrol the borders of his nation as a guard. So no, he would not have spent money for his armor and weapons, they would be gioven to him since he was a member of the national army., so the Psyrpent had spent quite an amount of money for his belongings. A circlet with an intricate green gem in the center is his most prized possession, as this is hard to come by. It was custom made for him since his head is bigger than a human being, and the gem was taken from his collections. He wears a purple silk robe, with long sleeves and a hood to protect his eyes and arms from the glaring sun.

Personality:Jarrox is very aloof and indifferent towards strangers. He is the silent type, not because he can't speak, but rather he does not want to interact with other very much. From living with people of all races through many years of traveling, he has learned to trust some of them, but it is not common. He would only ally himself with others if they have the same goal, or if there is a profit in it for him. Dwarves are an exception on this though, for in Psyrpent belief, dwarf-like is synonymous with strong and trustworthy.

With a large, snapping jaw full of teeth and an unpredictable behavior, he is an intimidating creature to say the least. But he is loyal to those whom he would call friend for reasons all his own. Those that shows exceptional kindness to the Psyrpent, like keeping him company despite his cold attitude to others and giving him food, earns his respect. Betrayal has never been a word in his dictionary, because he doesn't want to be like the elves. More often than not he has been known to help an ally in need, but he wouldn't go so far as to risk his life for that individual. He had also been termed in the Psyrpent enclave as one that is trustworthy, since for him it is better to be like a dwarf rather than be an elf or a human.

You describe this character as cold and aloof, but the Bloodclaws are extremely hotheaded, and constantly lust for blood. I think a little explanation on why he is markedly different from any else in his guild is required.

Gold, gems, psyrpent crystals, and treasures are the things that motivates him to do something. Rolls of dyed cloth that can be made into new robes or tunics is his weakness too; Fabrics of different kinds like silk, cotton, linen, etc. will do. From his travels into different dwarven communities he has learned how to smoke a pipe and to drink beer, and different customs are slowly creeping into Jarrox's lifestyle. He even has a collection of different gemstones, bought from dwarves when he has a chance to visit a trading settlement.

Again, you have not mentioned that the Bloodclaws are merciless berzerkers. If he is from a guild that lives to kill, why is he motivated by money and possessions?

Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
Psychic Abilities: Common amongst the order of the Claws, these individuals have inborn abilities not known to other races. By concentrating his psychic powers on an individual, Jarrox can cause minor but troublesome headaches, and if prolonged, can cause extreme pain. Communicating telepathically between Psyrpents is very much like talking with each other. OK, maybe include a sentence on why he does not practice the Claw ability of causing fear.

Blood trance: Every member of the claw possesses the ability to enter into a blood trance, thereby increasing their telepathic skills. Unfortunately, his friend-foe recognition is reduced to nothing as well. The purpose of the blood trance is for battle, not necessarily communication. It makes the entranced into a blood-lusting berzerker.

Heavy Crossbow: A ranged weapon for some, and for others a string instrument. This W.M.D.(Weapon for Man's Destruction) is Jarrox's trusty companion. His accuracy and precision with this weapon, coupled by the firing strength of the crossbow makes him a deadly opponent at a distance.

Strength: It is obvious from his size that he can hold himself in a melee combat. Although he does not carry any decent close range weapons, his fists or tail usually does the job, though not as well as his crossbow. The fangs... well, he doesn't bite other people; they're just overgrown teeth common among his race. hmmm...I beg to differ. The Psyrpents I would think would be quite skilled in the use of both their claws and their fangs.
Also, the way you're character is currently written, he has no melee weapon, which makes absolutely no sense if he's a member of the Bloodclaws.


Fletching: Crossbow bolts can be depleted very quickly. So as not to run out of ammunition, the Psyrpent has learned the art of making his own ammo. Chop a few branches from a tree, smooth down the sides, sharpen one end, and cut a notch at the other end and a crude bolt is now ready to use. Making a perfectly streamlined bolt is hard though, and it takes some time to finish one. Buying bolts is very hard to accomplish because he can't speak; he'll just end up losing his temper trying to 'say' what he wants.

Small Hatchet: A small axe used to cut down branches from a tree, this can be used as a crude last resort weapon if enemies managed to close in on him (Why? He has his claws and fangs, so why would he need to use his such a cruddy little hatchet when he can use those?). Of course, mastery of this weapon is out of the question; after all, this is designed for cutting small branches. The most common style is swinging the weapon at his opponent, hoping to at least get a good slash or two.

Weaknesses:
Psyrpents Cannot Speak: Being unable to communicate with others can be very hard, especially in a world dominated by creatures that can speak. Anything that requires verbal communication, like asking for help or buying the bare necessities for everyday survival is a challenge to him. (Not actually stated in the Psyrpent entry, but implied. My only warning here would be that one day a developer may change this.)

Intimidating: As it is not common for a two legged snake to go skipping inside a city, people of other races find it hard to talk -- or pay attention, for that matter -- to what Jarrox wants. Others would rather run away than risk getting "snake bitten". Other towns with an ignorant population will try to drive him away, often with the use of force when necessary. Other, more adventurous people would try to hunt down the "great lizard", maybe for profit or for renown.

Psyrpent Beliefs: Elves - treacherous, birdlike, and pitiful? True. Humans - impatient little barbarians? Also true. These beliefs cling to Jarrox like dirt that lodged in his scales, thus he finds it hard to "communicate" with species of these kinds (Why do they cling to him like dirt? A Psyrpent sees himself as a more sophisticated and refined creature than these silly beings. A fine weakness, but you make it sound as if he is trying to rid himself of these beliefs, which would be very unPsyrpent-like.). And in a world where humans and elves multiply like rabbits, this can get him into a lot of trouble. His most common reaction to both humans and elves is to snap and growl at them first, then ask questions later. Many times has the opportunity for assistance been lost due to his cold attitude towards these races.

Hot Headed: You can't fry eggs on his bald head. The Claws of Queprur are hatched with a quick temper, thus it is no surprise that they are easily provoked to anger and they are very stubborn. There are many instances wherein a peaceful negotiation turns into a fight when, in the course of trying to communicate with others, he ends up losing his temper and acts rashly. Various consequences can happen, but the most common is being driven away by the local guards. This needs to be repeated up in the personality section. There you have him described as "aloof and indifferent" as well as "cold. You need to change the personality section to match his hot-headedness.

Slow: Yes, he's big and he's got two left feet to boot, but he'll be really blessed if he could run a few paces faster than a dwarf. Blocking any quick moves is also hard to accomplish. He's one of the slowest Psyrpents, much like his slithering cousins.

Greedy: His love for all things shiny and colorful led to many disagreements. Even though he was paid the proper wage for his services, he always thinks that he has been cheated. he has also been fooled several times by con men who promised him much gold and bolts of dyed silk for certain services, only to have them disappear when the time comes to get his pay.

Clumsy: Stumbling while walking or running is a common event for Jarrox. He often bumps other people unintentionally, hitting their faces with his elbows, bumping others, stepping on their toes, dropping bolts while reloading and nearly cutting off his fingers while fletching. He does not mean to do any of those things, but his eyes are so high up that he has difficulty seeing where he is going.

Blood Trance: While under this effect, The Psyrpent cannot differentiate between friend or foe, although another member of the Claws in a blood trance can be identified as a friend under this skill. As the people whom he travels with are mostly non-Psyrpents, his companions are always in danger of being attacked by the lizard. His companion's common defense against this snake in their midst is to wrestle him to the ground, battering and bruising him so as to render him immobile and therefore unable to attack until his trance ends. Also, blood trance is somewhat similar to being berserk, and charging towards an enemy or a group of enemies with nothing but his fists is not a good idea. A few things here. Obviously, charging headlong at his enemy with fists and fangs is a good idea, since the entire Psyrpent army does it. If it was such a bad idea, they would have been wiped out a long time ago, would they not. Remember, he has natural armor.

And this bit about his friends wrestling him to the ground...unless they were heavily armed, I don't see them all living through such an encounter. Without the natural armor that Jarrox has, at least one of them would be seriously wounded.


Religion: As his clan name suggest, this hot headed lizard worships Queprur, goddess of death. She is the one he turns to for help in slaying his enemies, or for sparing a valiant ally from death. To him, the goddess is the one who determines the other people's fate, whether they should be killed or spared. How is this a weakness? Many humans also worship Queprur, its not like she demands insane sacrifices or something. In fact, for the Claws caste, Queprur is a strength, since the Psyrpentclaws call on her for their clerical magic.


History:
Ten eggs were laid by the Broodmother in the Psyrpent Domain of Tsor-Klasants. The matriarch knows that hatching these would take up to five months, but patiently she guarded them. Finally the time came when the eggs are to be hatched, and the lizard looked on as ten tiny reptiles emerged from the shells. She took care of them and taught them so that they'll grow up to become strong warriors and diligent artisans for the community. After ten years, she sent them off to different sects, to learn their craft and to be able to better maintain the growing Psyrpent Dominion.

One of the young lizard, named by the Broodmother as Jarrox Serpentfang due the abnormally large fangs (If he was sent to battle training simply because of his fangs, why are they listed as his main weapon strength?) he possesses, was sent to the Claws of Queprur for battle training. He was placed in the Bloodclaws' guild, and although he was initially trained to handle the heavy melee weapons, he never seemed to perfect it. Instead he was trained in the use of the crossbow, a ranged weapon that the Bloodclaws, as much as possible, would not prefer. A sect whose tactics revolves around charging towards an enemy in a blood trance has no room for a ranged combatant, but eventually his skill with the weapon is(was) not to be denied. After fifteen years of practice, he was assigned as a guard for a caravan of Psyrpent crystals headed for PraFeroonKorTyr. The mission was a success, and the group returned with foodstuffs, colored cloth, and gold. However, Jarrox felt that he was deprived of his proper share of the profit. Coupled by the guild's disapproval of ranged combatants, the Psyrpent felt that he was unwanted, or more precisely, that he was doing the community no good. Many other missions followed after that and soon he had enough money to buy, piece by piece, a fairly complete set of armor. (As a member of the Bloodclaws, he would be a part of the nation's first line of defense. He would never have had to pay for his armor.)

A patrol duty along the boundaries of Tsor-Klasants turned into a fight between a group of Psyrpent guards and Helvet'ine Kuglimz warriors. The humans were traveling through a pass when they were stopped by the Psyrpents. In futile sign language the Psyrpent-leader tried to tell them that the pass contains one of the entrances to their realm; thus he held up his claws as an effort to tell them that they cannot pass. The proud and arrogant barbarians must have misinterpreted these, for they thought that these serpent-men are challenging their strength. One whom they took to be their leader prodded his horse forward and rudely brushed one of the guards aside. The hot tempered Psyrpent looked surprised for a moment, then he grabbed the hair of the warrior and slammed him to the ground. Other members of the troop rushed at the lizard, which in turned where defended by the rest of the Psyrpent guard. Unable to accept that their pride be wounded by creatures this low, the humans drew weapons and attacked two Psyrpents, and fierce fighting ensued. Jarrox experienced his first battle, in which he planted a cruel bolt in a warrior's throat. After the skirmish the rest of the patrol pulled their wounded to the safety of their community, but not without looting the bodies of the dead warriors.

Of course, the Broodmother council was enraged by the attacks. Jarrox found not only anger, but also excitement in that last skirmish. Angry for the way those human dogs treat the Psyrpent as if they're lower than dirt, and excited, because he has never experienced a battle before. If one can make money and at the same time loot the belongings of the fallen, then why would he stick to being a caravan guard and be 'cheated' out of his pay? He decided to leave the Psyrpent cities and it's underground tunnels to live a life of a mercenary, but the job is not what he expected. (Why would he leave the powerful Psyrpents to work for inferior life forms? Your reasons for his leaving the Psyrpents are very weak right now.) Potential customers are terrified at the sight of a giant lizard, and he in turn do not trust his would be employers easily. Most of them were humans and elves(again, why would he lower himself to work for such lower life?), which in Psyrpent belief are synonymous with being treacherous and impatient. There were times when he agrees to accompany a caravan, but he always made sure that his belongings are intact. They are, after all, never to be trusted. But there were times when he was hired by dwarves, the only race he trusts, for above ground trading missions. In his first boat trip, when his human employers assigned him to guard the cargo against thieves and pirates, he became excited at the thought of being able to see more of the world; to him that means more money, and it also means he'll be leaving the service of these pesky humans real soon.

Around the Tandalas he goes, and for a month the journey continued until they've reached a port. They continued on foot until they reached the City of Nyermersys, where he soon found out that it is a city full of men and women. Unable to keep still, for fear that these thieves would steal his meager belongings, he quickly accepted his pay, and left the city. Again, if he's so distrusting of other races, why would he ever leave his own people. You need some better reasons for why he ends up in Southern Sarvonia.


Weapons:
Heavy crossbow:
- Characteristics:
the bridle or bow string is made out of intertwined cotton fabric to prevent fraying.
An iron sights is attached at the front and rear end of the prod for greater accuracy.
The iron prod is shorter than ordinary bows, which results in shorter draw length but at the same time strengthens the draw weight of the bridle. Increased draw weight means stronger force once the bolt is released.
A metal trigger is used to keep the string cocked until fired.
Small hatchet:
Made out of wood with a metal blade, used to chop firewood and create makeshift bolts.

Even if he was not particularly skilled with them, the fact that he was part of the army would have required that he carry at least one melee weapon of some kind. Whether he kept it after leaving the Psyrpents is up to of course, but why would anyone get rid of a good weapon, when simply owning one is a strength?

Belongings:
- Coin pouch: A small bag to put in his spare coins.
- Cloth bag: A big bag to put in his tunic and other items.
- Quiver of bolts: A leather container for his crossbow bolts.
- Sharpening stones: Used to make sure that his hatchet will be able to cut small branches. Sparks produced from striking two sides of the rocks can be used to create a fire.
- Tent and bedding: Two rolled up fabrics that serve as his collapsible room. It is worn out from much use.
- Fishing pole: Living in the great outdoors can be such a hassle. If hunting doesn't bring in food (which is pretty much all the time because he's no hunter), he can always throw in a line, and if lucky, he'll be able to pull in a nice fish or two.
- Wooden box: A glossy box filled with a collection of gemstones.
- Pipe: A smoking device of dwarven manufacture.
- Lantern: An ingenious device that can keep a fire in.

Alright then, your character is very nicely done. Right now he seems pretty balanced, so once you fix the bits about the Psyrpents, you should be good to go!!  grin
« Last Edit: November 27, 2008, 04:09:06 AM by Morden Peshirgolz » Logged

Serpentfang
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« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2008, 12:26:33 AM »

Quote
as a member of the Bloodclaws, he is required to patrol the borders of his nation as a guard. So no, he would not have spent money for his armor and weapons, they would be gioven to him since he was a member of the national army.
Yes, I know. But the paragraph describes his clothing when he is not on duty. I don't think he'll be guarding most of the time, but rather in shifts.

Quote
You describe this character as cold and aloof, but the Bloodclaws are extremely hotheaded, and constantly lust for blood. I think a little explanation on why he is markedly different from any else in his guild is required.
Being cold and aloof just means he doesn't care much on others. I don't see and contradiction between that and being hot headed.

Quote
Again, you have not mentioned that the Bloodclaws are merciless berzerkers. If he is from a guild that lives to kill, why is he motivated by money and possessions?
They're merely quick tempered warriors of the Psyrpentine army. The blood trance increases their telepathic skills, but not their strengths.

Quote
The purpose of the blood trance is for battle, not necessarily communication. It makes the entranced into a blood-lusting berzerker.
No. The entry states that it only brings them increased telepathic ability for an incredibly short amount of time. They become berserk, yes, but it doesn't increase their strength.

Quote
hmmm...I beg to differ. The Psyrpents I would think would be quite skilled in the use of both their claws and their fangs.
Also, the way you're character is currently written, he has no melee weapon, which makes absolutely no sense if he's a member of the Bloodclaws.
Yes anybody can bite, but he doesn't. I mean, you don't bite someone just because you hate them, right? Keep in mind that Psyrpents are an intelligent race, maybe more intelligent than humans. The lack of melee weapons is described in the history.

Quote
Why? He has his claws and fangs, so why would he need to use his such a cruddy little hatchet when he can use those?
He can't punch through armor. Also, ownership of any kind of weapon should be included in the strengths.

Quote
This needs to be repeated up in the personality section. There you have him described as "aloof and indifferent" as well as "cold. You need to change the personality section to match his hot-headedness.
He doesn't care about anybody, but his fuse will blow if someone keeps on bugging him. He doesn't get riled up for no good reason.

Quote
A few things here. Obviously, charging headlong at his enemy with fists and fangs is a good idea, since the entire Psyrpent army does it. If it was such a bad idea, they would have been wiped out a long time ago, would they not. Remember, he has natural armor.
Yes, I need to change that. But Psyrpents do not have natural armor. That's why the claws wear Queprur blessed silver and black armor.

Quote
And this bit about his friends wrestling him to the ground...unless they were heavily armed, I don't see them all living through such an encounter. Without the natural armor that Jarrox has, at least one of them would be seriously wounded.
Nope, no friends. I think even a creature such as he will be knocked to the ground if he is outnumbered.

Quote
Why do they cling to him like dirt? A Psyrpent sees himself as a more sophisticated and refined creature than these silly beings. A fine weakness, but you make it sound as if he is trying to rid himself of these beliefs, which would be very unPsyrpent-like.
Hmm.. If you read the entire sentence, it says that he hates these creatures.

Quote
How is this a weakness? Many humans also worship Queprur, its not like she demands insane sacrifices or something. In fact, for the Claws caste, Queprur is a strength, since the Psyrpentclaws call on her for their clerical magic.
That's the Religion section.

Quote
If he was sent to battle training simply because of his fangs, why are they listed as his main weapon strength?
He was named Serpentfang because of his fangs.

Quote
Why would he leave the powerful Psyrpents to work for inferior life forms? Your reasons for his leaving the Psyrpents are very weak right now.
Quote
again, why would he lower himself to work for such lower life?
The history states that he feels cheated out of proper share of profits, and his thirst for adventure increased after his first skirmish.
The second sentence... I can't seem to explain it, but it's very similar to why Morden left his people. Why would he leave them, after being treated as a hero?

Quote
Again, if he's so distrusting of other races, why would he ever leave his own people. You need some better reasons for why he ends up in Southern Sarvonia.
Beggars can't be choosers. He doesn't like them, but he has no choice since he needs money to buy food and other things.

I did not answer the other comments because they were taken cared of by some of my answers above. Thank you for checking my CD.

Have a nice day.

EDIT: Changed some if the answers to fit the comments properly. :)
« Last Edit: November 28, 2008, 12:32:50 AM by Jarrox Serpentfang » Logged

Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2008, 12:35:32 AM »

Sorry if it seems I goofed up on trying to understand some of your sections. Its difficult to comment on such a well written CD. Thanks for patiently answering all my comments, I'll try to be more on target in the future.  Thumb up
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Twén Aråerwén
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« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2008, 01:51:17 AM »

~First Approval~
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•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
_.·´¯) Twén Aråerwén's CD(¯`·._
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2008, 06:42:55 AM »

Go ahead and remove the color, and we can title and move this to the archives.

*Second Approval*
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« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2008, 11:04:48 AM »

Color removed, Kali!

And don't worry, Morden, you did fine. You don't want to know about my first attempt at commenting CDs. buck
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2008, 03:28:07 AM »

And titled my scaly friend!

Good Luck!
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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2012, 03:41:20 AM »

Brought up as requested. Changed the pencil to WIP for you :)
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