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Author Topic: Galthas Tavaria/Mitharim/Healer  (Read 8709 times)
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Garret Arroway
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« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2008, 08:17:42 AM »

Familiar: Almond the Wilderon cat. She is a female Wilderon cat that is very intellegent (intelligent), but lazy. She also is somewhat fit because of the climbing that she has to do with Galthas when he takes her out herb-collecting. Her eyes and ears are rather big, but in all other aspects, she looks like a typical Wilderon cat.

(Coloring explained below -- Steel Blue above = edit / Steel Blue below = my favorite color to comment in grin)

Hey Galthas,
     I dropped by to take a look at your familiar section. I've already marked one thing above that you can see, one you can see but probably won't notice, and one thing you won't really see. The thing you can't see would be the subtraction of a space between each sentence. One too many unessicary spaces between each, not a huge deal in my opinion, but thought I'd point it out. Getting rid of unessicary spaces makes everything much cleaner looking.

     The thing you might not have noticed as the underlined title. It's not a big deal, but doing something to make the section titles stand out helps out a bit. I know I can find stuff easier if there is something that draws my attention. Anyways, it would be a big help if you did something to make them stand out so those that specialize in certain sections or are asked by another mod to look at a certain part of a CD or something can find it easier. Underline them, bold them, put it in italics, make them bigger, color them, or just go crazy. *Note: the other mods and the admins might kill me if you decide to 'go crazy' grin*

     Anyways, back to the familiar section. I'm not a huge cat person, but hey, even if they are evil and determined to take over the world, they need a little bit of attention. You have a good start here, but it's just a start. Your character's familiar is an important part of the CD as they could be interacting with others as well as your character.

     I pretty much ask for a mini-character description inside of a character description for familiars, more so for more wild creatures. You can set it up like your character, giving up sections such as: Name, Age, Gender, Species, Breed/Type, Appearance (sometimes separate Eye Color / Hair Color / Height / Length / Weight along with a paragraph description of the animal), Personality/Temperament, History, and Training. Others will just put all of those into a few paragraphs or so, though I request that all information listed above be present there. (Hopefully you understand the colorings now)

     While you have some of the thinks that I ask for, there is a lot missing. An example would be the appearance of the cat. You pretty much just answered the few questions that Thorgas asked you. While it is good to take care of the questions presented by those that comment on your work, we ask that you think of some of this stuff for yourself. Telling us that it looks like all other Wilderon cats isn't telling us anything. We don't want to have to go look it up, but instead read what you have to tell us about the animal's appearance. Let us know everything you can tell us about the cat and more.

     This also goes for the cat's personality and temperament. This affects the character as the cat might be a people person or maybe it's an anti-people person. Maybe it thinks it's better than the people and will just annoy them until they submit to its will. It's your cats personality and you need to tell us how it acts around people, animals, crowds, being along, ect. Both of these things could also be put to describing your character as well.

     The fact that the Wilderon cat is a northern cat is a one of the reasons I ask for history. Well, not because of the cat, but because of their territory. If it if from a distant region your going to need to describe how you came to get the animal and if it has popped up in your history again. This also includes training, though that’s mostly toward wild animals, mounts, dog, ect. I'm not sure anyone could train a cat since they have a mind of their own, but then again I'm not a cat person. History and Training pretty much go together and that could be added into your characters history or have its own section within the familiar section.

     You will need to let us know how you got the cat, and deal with the fact that its thick long fur is better suited for more northern, colder areas. Also, if the animal aids your character in any way it is considered a strength. Anyways, that’s enough for now, best of luck with your character.

Garret

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Before you kill him, think of what you take from him. Remember what it is to be alive.
Quote: Robin Hobb
Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2008, 09:27:57 AM »

Hey Galthas, sorry for not answering your questions. I was busy. But anyways, you're welcome, and you can ask me anytime about them. azn

1. Dwarves live up to 250 years old, though some of them are able to reach 300 years.

2. Yes, they might have some accent, due to their native language being different from the languages of other races. However, some of them can lose it because of the time spent being above the surface and talking to the surface dwellers.

EDIT: I found one small problem in one part of your history.

At age twenty-five, Galthas started vigorously studying herbs, roots, and other means of healing.  When he was about sixty-five years old, he started practicing medicine on his own, having studied under some of the other healers in his community for about thirty-five years.  After this, he undertook his Baregozar and the Wirrutharoon.  For his Baregozar, Galthas performed poorly in the competitions and other things(The Hu/Baregozar has no competitions, since it is done individually by dwarves under the advice of the Denirim. Also, the priest himself determines the qualifications and tests for each individual's Age of Choosing. You seem confused, so let me tell you something about this event. As the name suggests, the completion of his Baregozar only signifies that he has become an adult and can now look for a mate; it does not determine whether he will be chosen by female dwarves or not. After his initiation as an adult, the dwarf will then choose a female and court her. As the ratio of males to females is 3:2, there is a high chance that he will not find a mate, therefore giving him the reason to concentrate his energies on his craft instead.), so he was not chosen by a female.  During the Withuroon(Wirrutharoon), Galthas prepared a very rare sample of medicine that im pressed the elders.  This, along with his dedication to medicine since a young age, proved that he should be a healer, and the elders agreed.  Galthas did, however, build a cave, as tradition dictated, but it was not a very good one, and that is where he lives today.  After about twenty years of healing on his own, a mine collapse in one of his community's mines was reported to him.  Remembering the traumatic event of his childhood, Galthas, instead of waiting for the miners to be brought to him, rushed to the scene to help them.  He helped twelve miners swiftly and expertly, but was unable to save the other three.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2008, 10:07:41 AM by Zann Lightbringer » Logged

Show me a man who walks into a sick tent with no thought of his own health and I'll show you a brave man.
Zann Lightbringer, servant of Nehtor.
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« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2008, 05:12:06 AM »

   Zaan, its alright about the question thing, I know that you are busy.  Also, thank you about the Baregozar and Wirrutharoon, I did not understand the things the way they were explained on the page.  I hope that I got them right this time! grin  Also, do you think that I am almost done with my CD.  I think that I am pretty close to being done.
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A person who is not willing to give assistance should not ask for it.
       -Galthas Tavaria, Dwarven Healer
Galthas's CD
Garret Arroway
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« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2008, 06:12:30 AM »

Quick thing, please reread through your character. Just in the familiar section you have a couple contradictions and few repeated things. I suggest just going through and cleaning things up a little bit. Also, you have a bit of space at the bottom of your post that could/probably should be deleted as it serves no purpose.
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Before you kill him, think of what you take from him. Remember what it is to be alive.
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Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2008, 10:46:02 AM »

Excellent work Galthas. I will notify the mods to have a look on your CD. Thorgas wishes you all the best, and hopes that you will help bring glory to the Mitharim tribe as well. ;)
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Show me a man who walks into a sick tent with no thought of his own health and I'll show you a brave man.
Zann Lightbringer, servant of Nehtor.
Nox Echiiscuan
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« Reply #20 on: September 12, 2008, 03:34:13 PM »

Quote
Comments will be made pretty in pink.

I'm focusing mainly on grammar and spelling. I will completely skip sections that are perfectly fine. Just nitpicking for you.


    Physical Appearance: Much fatter than other dwarves, and definitely not as muscular.<-This is an incomplete sentence. To remedy that, you can just add on something to the effect of  "Galthas is"  onto the front of it. ^_^)  He has a large, full beard and mustache that he doesn't style very much at all, he just combs it so that its<-it's straight down.  He also has long, flowing hair that he ties into a ponytail and stuffs down the back of his shirt.  Under his beard, he has two large, wide cheekbones, but you can usually barely see them.  His browridge doesn't protrude as much as others, and he has plump, red cheeks.  His chin doesn't have much of a cleft, either, but, as with his cheekbones, you can usually hardly see it.  He has small eyes and ears, but he can see and hear just as much as other dwarves.  His body hardly curves at all and is full all the way down.  He has a scar on his chest that you can barely see for his clothes that he got from a bear while he was collecting herbs a little to<-too close to its cave.


  Personality: Galthas is hearty, and is rarely found in a down mood.  He is usually content with the way things are and are more likely to accept them than rebel, just as long, of course, that the way things are going doesn't interfere with his beliefs.  If he believe<-believes that wrong is being done to him or another that he cares about, he will try to change them<-it.  He loves food, and is rather outgoing for a dwarf, so he can usually be found merrily drinking and eating with one or two friends in a tavern, when he's not healing ailing clanmates.  He is usually very helpful towards others.  He loves books and usually buys one every time he gets the money, he also loves his job as a healer.  He also loves his cat, Almond, and usually takes her with him when he travels, which is not very often, after all, he is a dwarf.  He likes to get money, but only to buy books, when he is away, or is trying to finish three or four books already, he will usually not worry about money all that much.


  Familiars:

    Name: Almond

    Age:10

    Gender: Female

    Species: Cat

    Appearence: Almond has very long fur, like most Wilderon cats, and her fur has an almond color, from which she got her name.  Her ears are elongated, and her eyes are rather large.  She is about as plump as others of her breed, and is mostly in shape. Her legs are strong and sturdy, but her paw-pads, though large and spred<-spread out, like others of her breed, are soft and tear easily. She has a long, bushy tail and has a rather round body alltogether<-altogether.  Her eyes are a copper color.  As she is rather plump, as are almost all Wilderons, she weighs one hafeb and four ods.  She is larger than most cats, and is one fore, one palmspan, two nailsbreadths, and two grains tall.

    Personality and Temperament:  Almond is lazy and not easily irritated.  She loves her owner, Galthas, and is rather comfortable around other people.  She is only comfortable, however, around Galthas and four or five other people, and is not comfortable in large crowds.  She is friendly towards others but, if they are taking away her master's affection and attention that is supposed to be resrved<-reserved for her only, she is quick to make a mental note of that and will not like it.  She is intelligent and is quick to learn a schedule of when to eat, to be petted, and other things.


Well, you didn't leave much to nitpick. Just seven spelling errors and one incomplete sentence. However, he seems to be unbalanced when it comes to the strengths and weaknesses. *Glances around.*  I don't have time right now, though, so I'll get someone to look over it for you. <3

Bobspeed
heart ~ Nox ~ heart
« Last Edit: September 12, 2008, 04:18:33 PM by Nox Belle » Logged

Pikel Thunderstone
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« Reply #21 on: September 12, 2008, 04:15:47 PM »

I promised one of the mods that I'd check this CD for Balance, so here it goes.

First off: All your S&W are fairly vague. You don't say HOW smart, or HOW charismatic, or HOW physically inept your character is. Intellectually superior could range from a 101 IQ to a 347 IQ. It's too vague. Tell us the level of each strength.

Strengths and Weaknesses:
    Strengths:
      Intellectually superior: Galthas always had a thing for deductive reasoning and is usually more perceptive than others.  This would help him to solve a mystery quickly and more efficiently than others. How often is he solving mysteries? How does this help him in the everyday?

      Fast-talker:  He can talk with logic and wisdom more than others and, most of the time, can talk his way out of a situation in which he is in trouble. But, he would still never tell a lie, which is a cardinal sin of his people. ;) How skilled is he? give us an example of past experiences. That would give us an idea as to how skilled he is in this.

      Outgoing: Galthas is as outgoing as a dwarf can be, which would allow him to make friends more often than other dwarves. More outgoing than a dwarf isn't very outgoing at all. You're gonna need more detail here.

      Excellent Hearing and Eyesight: Along with all the others of his tribe, he can see and hear extremely well and he also has the uncanny Mitharim ability to detect lies by reading the body motions and hearing the quickening heartbeat of others. How skilled is he in this 'lie detection'? This could be a minor strength, or an overpowering one.

      Extremely Loyal: Like all the other Mitharim, Galthas has philanthropic dedication to members of his family or clan, and others that he has grown attached to.  This will lead him to use all of his resources to help a friend. How does this help?

      Skill in Medicine: Spending most of his life studying dwarven herbal medicine, he has grown to where it is second nature to him, allowing him to heal most wounds and infections with ease. So he could easily heal a brutal stab of the sword? or perhaps a gangrene infection many weeks old? That sounds impossible to me. You're going to have to be a whole lot less vague on this one, and tone it down. Even the most skilled herbalists of those days could fix minor issues.

    Weaknesses:
      Physically Disadvantaged: Being a plump and non-muscular dwarf, Galthas would be quite useless in a fight, if, for some unfathomable reason, he ever got into one. Not being able to fight is not a weakness. His physical disabilities need to 'disable' him in other ways. Otherwise, it should be removed from this section.

      Intolerant of Lies: Being a Mitharim, he is naturally unforgiving of liars and deceivers.  If he finds out that someone is lying, he will quickly terminate whatever bonds that they share. Example? This last sentence is a little confusing. Do you just mean that he ends whatever relationship they have ?

      Extremely Loyal: Though also a strength, his extreme loyalty also could drive him to get into a compromising position that would be hard to get out of. Nothing is a strength AND a weakness. It is either a strength, with a limitation, or a weakness with a 'limitation'. But you should also be more specific. Tell us how it has hindered him in the past. also tell how it has helped.

As you can probably see, you need a lot more details methinks. Also, you can probably tell that you're not very balance at all. You're a smart charismatic dwarven lie detector with skill in medicine, and thus far the only real weakness you have is you're too 'loyal'. Think hard on it, take any suggestions for weaknesses, read through or expand on personality to find weaknesses, and you should be fine.
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**DISCLAIMER** I apologize to anyone I may have offended in the above post. I would like to assure you that was (most likely) not my goal. I would also like to assure you that the above post (again, most likely) in no way reflects the views of the Santharian RP boards or their Administrators; Kalína Mërénwèn, Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin, and Azhira Elrosse.

Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #22 on: September 12, 2008, 08:40:47 PM »

Hi Galthas! Changing to the pencil posticon until the comments above have been addressed. Give us the exclamation when you've done so and are ready for more comment!  ;)
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« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2008, 06:39:43 PM »

I don't know if you still intend to continue your CD, Galthas, but I did notice you have edited your S&W's in accordance to Pikel's comments. The reason you haven't received any comments is because your message icon is still the pencil.

Mods won't go checking CD's with pencil message icons because it is understandable that you're still editing it. So, if you want somebody to check your CD, put up the status 2 message icon instead.
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« Reply #24 on: February 18, 2009, 06:28:06 AM »

Hey, guys, I'm sorry I haven't been on in almost a year. We haven't had Internet at our house for quite some time. I'll get right on those corrections and I hope you'll still consider to let me play.
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A person who is not willing to give assistance should not ask for it.
       -Galthas Tavaria, Dwarven Healer
Galthas's CD
fionn
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« Reply #25 on: February 18, 2009, 06:43:09 AM »

i'm not sure about accents - from what i've seen, theyre adopted as a matter of preference by individuals. if you want an accent, that'd be great to see, but personally i've not listened to enough dwarves to know of any specifics.
really like this CD - just wondered if you'd given the title any more thought - just "healer" seems a bit generic for such an individual character?
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« Reply #26 on: February 18, 2009, 06:49:29 AM »

Yeah, but I don't know if dwarves are called anything else. Also, I really need help with the weaknesses thing, I just can't really think of any. If anyone has any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. grin
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A person who is not willing to give assistance should not ask for it.
       -Galthas Tavaria, Dwarven Healer
Galthas's CD
Slautnik Wyr'thorne
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« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2009, 09:52:05 AM »

I got a few weaknesses:

Physical dissabities: anything form a slight limp to the inability to use his legs.

Insanity: from phobias to hoarding food, alot of people with a fairly high IQ go a bit loony.

bad sence of smell or other sense: other than hearing or eyesight.

*other note: I find 210 IQ to be suburbly high, mabey low it a bit.*
**other, other note: I think average IQ ranges from 110-120**
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« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2009, 10:15:51 AM »

The use of IQ is not possible on Santharia as they have no measure of intelligence. IQ is a modern scientific measure, so any reference to IQ should be removed from the CD.
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Galthas
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« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2009, 10:57:32 AM »

Hey, thanks Slautnik. Thanks a lot, I was having a bit of a block when it came to that. I hope you don't mind that I used two of your ideas! Shra, I thought the exact same thing until an expert came and told me to describe the intellegence in terms of IQ so people could understand. Thanks to both of you for your help.
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A person who is not willing to give assistance should not ask for it.
       -Galthas Tavaria, Dwarven Healer
Galthas's CD
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