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Author Topic: Morden Peshirgolz, Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan, Exiled Musician  (Read 10253 times)
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #30 on: November 11, 2008, 04:06:24 AM »

Ok, I promised a check, so here we go! Comments in lovely teal :)

Name:  Morden Peshirgolz
Gender: Male
Age: 177
Race: Dwarf
Tribe: Susilgerim Clan
Occupation: Exiled Musician
Title: The Mystic Voice

Appearance: Standing 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths high, Morden is unusually tall, even for a Susilgerim. He possesses a sturdy frame of 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, and 1 od. He has a stern chin, and a flint-like gaze comes from his grey eyes. He is missing his right hand, and wears a dark cloak to conceal this injury. Beneath his spotched earth-colored mantle, he wears thick furs. A masked helm covered in foreboding runes covers his head, and thick brown boots tread the ground beneath him. An intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck.

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 7 hebs, 1 hafeb, and 1 od

Eye color: Grey

Hair color: Black

Personality: Morden is a distrustful and whimsical dwarf, given to sarcasm and occasional rages. He is selective of his company, due to his somewhat arrogant and overbearing nature. Few have ever become close to him, but those few who have came to see him as also loyal, compassionate, and restless. He is plagued by horrible guilt, stemming from a difficult past. He has begun to doubt that Trum-Baroll and the Dwarven gods If with 'Dwarven gods' you mean the UnSthommerons, I'd just call them UnSthommerons... They're not really gods. Demi-gods at most, but often also seen as ancestors. There's only one god and that's TrumBaroll :) still care for him. His spiritual crisis depresses him greatly. He is remarkably stealthy, and is skilled with the Fang-Axe, which he has learned to wield one handed. His rages often throw the tide of battle in his favor, but they can also alienate his allies from him. He cannot ride a horse Sure you can... western-style riding, happens with one hand :) (one of my characters misses a hand but he has no problem riding a horse) or climb, due to his missing hand. He has sworn vengeance upon all orcs, and has been exiled by his clan. Morden is extremely cruel and morbid towards humans. why? Morden avoids contact with his fellow dwarves because of the painful losses he has received. why does this make him avoid them? They're apparently the only ones he feels he can more or less trust... Morden is distrustful of all races, except dwarves. He feels very suspicious of elves, because of their somewhat magical nature. He has not heard of many of the other races.

Strengths

*Morden is prone to great rages, which often turn battles in his favor. He is able to summon up bursts of great strength to slay his opponents. However, this happens inconsistently, and only in times of dire need or when Morden is greatly angered by injustice.
*Morden is a master of music, especially that of the baroomith. His music has a soothing and charming effect. Many who hear him play are touched by his sorrowful tones.

*Morden is incredibly stealthy, even for a Susilgerim. Unless magic is used against him, there are few situations in which he cannot hide himself. Hmm, I'd still like to see this toned down just a little bit. Throughout your CD you seem to make your character just that little bit better than everyone else. While it is possible that in some things you are better, at the moment you are taller than most Susilgerim, you're stealthier than most of them, in his history you say that he became the most respected huntsman, this while he was already incredibly skilled in playing music.... See what I mean? I just can't really bring myself to believe that he'd be the best in so many different areas.

*Morden is very alert, and difficult to surprise. He can hear practically everything going on around him, and seems to have developed a "sixth sense" for sensing danger. This comes from the large amount of time spent living in the wilderness. Hmm, 'practically anything'? All the time? How does he not go mad? ;) No, honestly, if a person (even a dwarf) would hear practically everything around them all the time, they'd go nuts. At least some things would be filtered away as being 'unimportant'. My suggestion: change it so that he can hear 'practically everything' when he's concentrating, but not when he's not really paying attention.
PS: as an example, just imagine him in a tavern setting, which, considering the stories, isn't too far-fetched a scenario. If he would hear practically everything without trying, he'd be hearing up to 20 (busy tavern ;)) conversations at the same time. Pretty deafening, wouldn't you agree?


*Morden owns a stone axe. He is more than strong enough to handle it, even with one hand. However, since the Susilgerim fighting style does not make much use of heavy weapons, he uses it mainly as a defensive weapon, keeping the enemy at bay with its large size.

*He also own a dagger, which he is skilled in using to back-stab foes. Morden is not skilled in using the dagger in open conflict. His talent with it is in finding the weak spots of his opponents, severely wounding them before they have a chance to fight back. So at which point does he use this? Surely not while he's busy keeping the enemies away from his body...

*Morden also carries with him a sack of rocks tied to a rope with a loop on the end of it. Sliding this loop over his stump, Morden can flick the stump of his wrist to throw the rocks at an enemy. Again, at which point does he use this? Also, I'd like to see a bit more description of this, because I'm having a bit of a hard time envisioning how the loop does not glide off his arm, either over the stump or towards the elbow :)

Weaknesses

*Morden is missing his right hand, and suffered some loss of movement due to other injuries. He cannot ride a horse because of this. Could you specify the 'loss of movement' a bit more? It's a bit vague at the moment. In an open fight, Morden must rely on strength and guile Those two seem kind of... mutually exclusive, if you ask me. If you use guile, you sneak up on your enemies and kill them like that, for which you don't need *that* much strength, whereas if you use force there's really not much guile involved at all. to succeed because his opponents can usually outmaneuver him easily. Morden must carefully avoid an open conflict, because his injuries have weakened his abilities in battle

*Morden's tendency towards anger and sarcasm often alienates those around him. He keeps to himself very much, so he does not receive much help from others. I don't really see how this is a weakness. It's possible, but maybe you can give an example how this has hindered him in the past, or how it might hinder him in the future?

*The rages Morden uses to his advantage on the battlefield cause him to incur greater injuries than he would otherwise. While he slays his foes with brute force he leaves himself more exposed to counterattacks.

*Morden has voluntarily exiled himself from the Susilgerim clan, and therefore does not receive as much help from other Dwarves as he would have previously. I don't really see why. To give an example, I have a dwarf character who's been travelling on the surface for the past couple of years. Why would she not help your character, just because he exiled himself? She wouldn't know... And I think many dwarves he stayed underground wouldn't know either, would they? He also has sworn to kill Rhom-Ocs, and is hated by them. He also will not normally trust to the word of any human, and even rarely speaks more than a few sentences to them. I don't see how these last two sentences are related to the voluntary exile. They're two separate weaknesses if you ask me, which deserve their own bullet points and explanations. For the not trusting a human's word you'll really need one, because I don't see how it hinders him (it's possible mind you! Just explain it ;))

*Morden occasionally experiences headaches and disorientation, because of the torture he suffered at the hands of the Rhom-Oc. This occurs at least once or twice a day, during which time Morden must rest, as it is very difficult for him to think clearly then. Under harsh conditions, or on long journeys, the effects of his ailments increase. Because he is extremely irritable during these times, Morden has isolated himself from others.

History: Morden Peshirgolz was born on Tohunden in the month of Kasthomin. A terrible storm caused a landside landslide to bury the village storehouses on the day of his birth, which was taken to be a terrible omen. Therefore he was called Morden.To counteract the effect of this portent, the Denirim had a stone amulet fashioned for the babe, which the Denirim blessed and gave to the child. His father was a musician, one of a line of musicians, and taught Morden to play the baroomith. Morden had a great talent for music, and was skilled in playing the wind instruments of the Dwarves. He joined the older huntsman on their forays whenever he could, so that he became a skilled woodsman, and eventually became the most respected hunter in the tribe. He learned the art of stealth while hunting. It was said that Morden could never be found, only he found others, because of his great stealth. Yeah, like I said... I can't quite bring myself to believe this. It's just all a little 'too good to be true' if you know what I mean.

      At his Baregozar, Morden was told to climb into the Ilmith Imlith mountains to commune with the Dwarven Gods. Uhm... why? I don't remember reading anything about such a use of Baregozar anywhere. If there is something written about sending teenagers (well, what for humans would be considered teenagers) to survive in the wild for half a year, could you point me towards it? If this is just for your character,  you'll need a very good explanation... He was required to six months in the wild thus, and was only allowed to take his spear and his baroomith, a family heirloom. While living in the high mountains, Morden was inspired to compose music. He played his baroomith at all times of day, reflecting on how to make music to emulate the glory of the earth and to bring praise to Trum-Baroll. When he returned, he began work on a great composition, which became his Wirrurt. He was highly respected in the village for the beauty of his music.Having achieved such high standing in the eyes of his fellow dwarves, Morden won the heart of the chieftan's chieftain's daughter, and they were wed some time after. Morden and his wife had twin boys.

      Morden was a powerful hunter, a skilled woodsman, and a fierce defender for his tribe. He would rally groups of young Susilgerim warriors to raid the Rhom-Oc from time to time. For his heroic efforts, the clan chieftan chieftain ordered a great stone axe to be made for him. It was made in the style of the Fang-Axe, and prayers to Trum-Baroll for good fortune were carved into it with runes. Morden became very skilled with this weapon by practicing with it in the Rhom-Oc. He was also given a rune covered iron helm, which was one of the chieftan's prized possessions.Because of Morden's success in battle, the Rhom-Oc began to search for his village, wishing to destroy this pest. They were so aggravated by him that they tried to force surrounding peoples to help them find the village, a practice that was against their usual customs.

      When Morden was 142 years old, soon after the birth of his sons, Morden and several of his companions were captured by the Rhom-Oc. They were tortured by the Rhom-Oc in an effort to get them to reveal the location of their village. The Rhom-Oc shaman gave Morden and his men many powerful drugs to destroy their mental restistance to their torture. Morden and his men held out for several days, until one of them was given so many drugs that he went insane. In his ensuing delirium, he revealed the location of the village. The Rhom-Oc prepared to kill Morden and his men, since they were no longer needed, and strike against their village. A stroke of luck saved Morden from death here, as a company of dwarves came to his rescue just at this time. The rescuers were able to free the captives, but only manage to drive off the Rhom-Oc. Morden, knowing of the treachery, urged them to return to the village with all haste. But the legs of a dwarf cannot match those of a warg.

      Rushing back to the village, Morden arrived only to see his family dead, and his home burned. Morden flew into a blind rage, attacking the Rhom-Oc with such ferocity that they were for a time driven back. But they far outnumbered the remaining dwarves, and Morden was grievously wounded as the remnant of his village was forced to flee. In the midst of the battle, an Orc dagger pierced Morden's right hand throught the wrist. Morden later saved this dagger, to use as weapon of revenge on the Rhom-Oc.

      When they had fled into the mountains, Morden told the Denirim (who had barely survived the attack) of the treachery. He managed to flee into the mountains far enough that the Orcs couldn't find them anymore with a dagger through his wrist? How is his mind still clear enough to remember what happened? Or rather... how did he not fall unconscious from blood loss before this point? Morden was overcome with grief and anguish, and collapsed. When he awoke, he was in a neighboring village recovering. The battle had left its mark on him. Several dark scars slashed across his face, and his right hand was gone. When Morden was strong enough to stand, a meeting of the clan chieftan and his council was called to decide the fate of Morden, for none of his companions had survived. Morden was hailed as a hero for his part in defending the village and saving the few survivors of the attack. However, due to the physical and mental damage Morden received, he decided to live alone the rest of his life.

      Thus it was that Morden again climbed into the mountains to live in solitude. Often at night, when the pain of his wounds were was great, he would follow the Rhom-Oc on their raids, tracking them on foot. When they reached their target, he would catch up to them. Morden gained a small consolation from killing any Rhom-Oc who became separated from their raiding party.It is said by those who travel the Imlith mountains that now the wind carries with it a high, fleeting voice of sorrow, as of a far-off flute. Travelers have said that it comes at various times of day, but is always a song of deep regret and sorrow. Few who  hear it are not haunted by its despair long after. Just a little warning, you are still in Northern Sarvonia at this point. There are not too many stories playing up there, so you might want to find a reason for him to move on South so that he can join a story :)

Weapons: One Stone-Axe, given to him by his village chieftan. He also carries an assassin's dagger to aid him in stealthy raids. Several sacks of rocks hang from his belt; these can be thrown in combat. Could you describe these things a bit? Like how big they are, what they look like, you know.

Belongings: In addition to his helm, Morden carries with him a small steel buckler, which he clasps to his right arm when in battle. As mentioned, he carries his silver baroomith with him. He has a good provision of food, and an intricate stone amulet hangs from his neck. He also carries a copy of the Rocktales with him.

Ok, so that's it. Sorry if there seems to be a lot of teal in there... Most of the things I mentioned aren't too major issues, so they shouldn't keep you long from an approval, but I just like to be specific. Or nitpicky, if you want to call it that ;) I'll change your icon to the pencil, change it back to the exclamation mark when you've integrated my comments.
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Simonne Miller
Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #31 on: November 11, 2008, 08:02:45 AM »

OK, I made your suggested changes, Simonne. Thanks for the thorough check.
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Rookie Brownbark
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« Reply #32 on: November 12, 2008, 08:14:05 PM »

Hey Morden, I hear you're going to help out in our proposed Dwarven Tavern!  Congrats :D

Ok, the CD.  There are unfortunatly a couple of points which I'm not sure about, so here we go,

~ I thought that a Dwarf's Wirrut had show off his main skill? You might want to mention the hunting and survival in the first paragraph too, as you talk about how good he is with music, but then suddenly he's being tested in something else?   Also why does he then produce a Wirrut which is to do with his other skill?  Perhaps he wrote it about the wilderness and his love of it, so that the music is kind of a story of his time outside?  (Just a suggestion, feel free to use it or anything else you like ;))

~ One of your weaknesses says you won't go to dwarves for help, another says you do....maybe some rewording is in order?

~ How do Rhom-Orcs know it's him?  I'm not sure that one dwarf looks that much different to another for other races...maybe they have a story of a one-handed axe-wielder?

~ The Tandala Highlands are still not south enough for most of the stories, and are impassable.  You have to get a boat around them :P.

But otherwise this is now a very well-written CD, with clear consequences for the risks he takes.  I can really see how he's using his strengths and is hindered by his weaknesses in his history.  Feel free to give me a pm when you've got these comments in, I know you've been waiting a while :).

P.S. - I'm going to just change your post icon back to the pencil, as it helps us keep track of which CDs are awaiting comments :)
« Last Edit: November 12, 2008, 08:49:49 PM by Rookie Brownbark » Logged

Rookie Brownbark
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« Reply #33 on: November 12, 2008, 09:57:40 PM »

Ok, change "most respected huntsman" to "one of the most respected huntsmen", and you'll have your first approval.  Sorry for being nit-picky, but the most respected huntsman is probably some really old grandfather dwarf rather than a youngster ;)
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Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #34 on: November 12, 2008, 11:31:51 PM »

Tsk, tsk...you mods are so persnickety.  LOL

Well, change made. I'm glad you like the CD, Rookie. Again, my thanks to all the kind CD mods for their help.
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Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #35 on: November 12, 2008, 11:46:51 PM »

*Blinks and looks at the CD*

... I can't believe I missed that part! I'm sorry to bring in bad news, but occupations in a dwarf society are strictly segregated. Females and males each have particular jobs, though some can be of either gender. Your job 'hunter' are usually for females only, but there are instances that there are male hunters in a clan. Sorry, but I need you to explain to us how he became a hunter.

List of different dwarven occupations.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2008, 11:47:57 PM by Zann Lightbringer » Logged

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« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2008, 12:29:09 AM »

What!  The CD mods are not infallible!!  How can this be!  LOL

It does say "usually" though, so it shouldn't be too unusual for a male to be one.  Tell us why you started hunting and what made you keep doing it despite it being a female task and that should be fine.

Well spotted Zann!
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Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2008, 01:10:29 AM »

Ugh.  angry

I guess I should start counting the number of times the mods tell me there's "just one more thing" to fix.  LOL

Anyway, I think you get a free pass on that one, Zann, considering the helpfulness of all your previous work. Besides, you're the one who caught it.

OK, change made, hopefully to everyone's satisfaction. Lets get that first approval!
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« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2008, 01:26:39 AM »

Good Luck Morden, and.....*drum roll*

First Approval  *much clapping*

You just have to wait for one more approval, and then one of the admins will give you your title and move your CD to the archives.
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Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #39 on: November 13, 2008, 01:30:28 AM »

Woooohoooo!!!  grin

*Delivers a flourishing bow to the applause*
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #40 on: November 13, 2008, 02:18:21 AM »

 Pet Aaaaaaaaaaaaand you have your second approval!

With extra bunnies!!!
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Simonne Miller
Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2008, 03:42:44 AM »

Yes!! Thanks, you guys!  grin
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Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #42 on: November 13, 2008, 11:50:30 PM »

Congratulations Morden. Thorgas will be waiting for you in the Kann Kumruhnt.
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« Reply #43 on: November 16, 2008, 07:55:07 AM »

can we get Morden titled, Kali? lol been approved for a bit...not to seem impatient evil LOL
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #44 on: November 18, 2008, 04:00:51 PM »

Sorry for taking awhile to get over here! You are titled, so go ahead and remove your color so we can move it to the archives!
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