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Author Topic: Thorin Broadfist, Mitharim, Lonely Smith  (Read 8215 times)
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Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #15 on: November 16, 2008, 10:30:07 PM »

Checked the history and it seems fine. Let's hope the others check your S&W's. I'm not good with those. :)
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Show me a man who walks into a sick tent with no thought of his own health and I'll show you a brave man.
Zann Lightbringer, servant of Nehtor.
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« Reply #16 on: November 18, 2008, 02:27:50 PM »

Quote
Hello! heart  I'm here to take a quick look at your S&W! All of my comments will be made fierce in fuchsia.


Strengths:
-Excellent smith- Thorin has become an extraordinary smith over the years. He is able to repair and mend both weapons and armor quite well.
(space)
-Decent fighter- While traveling, Thorin met up with a battle-weary mercenary who traded training for repair work. Thorin has had little training in the use of weapons. He only trained for a day with a mercenary who taught him the basics. He has improved his battle skills through dealing with pests (giant rats and the sort), but still has a lot to learn.
(space)
-Nail-axe- Thorin has a nail-axe with which he can hold his own. He usually only encounters highwaymen and brigands, and he normally swings the axe noticeably slower than most would, he swings for damage. He traded a short sword he had made for it from the mercenary who trained him.
(space)
-Battle-axe- Thorin has a battle-axe, and he is much better at fighting with it than his nail-axe, due to the fact that he swings with all his might, separating flesh from bone. He hasn't had as much experience with it as his nail-axe<-battle-axe, you mean?), as the nail-axe it easier to grab and battle with, but when he does pull out his battle-axe most thugs and their cronies realize he means business and flee. They  <-You seem to still have a snippet of a sentence that you must have deleted.)He made it for a warrior who never payed him and so Thorin kept it as payment.
(space)
-Smithy hammer- Thorin sometimes uses his smithy hammer to fight with, even though it's really just him swinging as hard as he can at the target. Thorin only uses it when his other weapons are out of reach, as he always keeps his smithy hammer on him.
(space)
-Gregory, a Kiang donkey- Thorin bought him when he was living in one of the many cities he traveled to.<-Which city?) (more in familiar section).
(space)
-Armor- Thorin has in is his possession a mail hauberk, a mail/leather helm, and a small round shield. He dons these when he knows he will be fighting, otherwise they are left in his cart.

Weaknesses:
-Loneliness- Over the years Thorin has kept mostly to himself, because of this he is untrusting of those he does not know well. He treats strangers as potential thieves and deceivers. Because of this, it can be hard to befriend him. Thorin also sometimes becomes depressed at not meeting few dwarves on his travels and befriends the mug too often.<-Do you mean "Thorin also sometimes becomes depressed at not meeting many dwarves on his travels and befriends the mug too often."?)
(space)
-Friends are few and spread apart- He doesn't have many, but those he does have he will protect to no end, even if it brings himself harm. It does not matter how injured or tired he is, Thorin will try and protect his friends to the very end, even if it kills him.
(space)
-Greed is good- Thorin has a slight addiction to all things gold. It may just be his dwarven nature spurred to greater lengths from his travels, but either way you probably will not receive something from him without some sort of payment. He also does not part with things precious to him, like his smithy hammer, for any price at all.
(space)
-Shameful?- Thorin's past troubles him greatly and he will almost never speak of it, even when drinking. At times he will go completely silent, pondering his past misfortunes, not paying attention to his surroundings. This has caused him to ride over rocks or holes, breaking wheels on his cart. He also ignores nearly every sound, making it even harder to converse with him as any of several words can bring about his memories. So, you may be conversing with him and he suddenly stops talking, in which case you either have to wait or make a really loud sound. (I don't think "Shameful" is a good title for this weakness. Just a personal opinion, really. But it doesn't sound like he's shameful so much as not paying attention, that's all.)


I put the spaces between each strength and weakness because it makes it much easier for us to read if there is a space between each paragraph. :)

Hm. Other than the few things I pointed out, I don't see anything wrong with your S&W. I don't think it's overpowered, though it's definitely not underpowered. If you wanted, you could add something more to the weaknesses, though I personally don't feel that it's necessary.

When I have time, I'll take a look through your entire CD to see whether or not you're ready for an approval- if you haven't gotten one by that time. grin But, for now, I have to run, taa!

Bobspeed,
heart ~ Nox ~ heart
« Last Edit: November 18, 2008, 02:28:17 PM by Nox Belle » Logged

Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #17 on: November 19, 2008, 09:32:55 AM »

Thanks for catching those mistakes Nox; I added the spaces in for your convenience.
Quote
He hasn't had as much experience with it as his nail-axe<-battle-axe, you mean?)
There I did mean the nail-axe, I just didn't quite make it clear which axe "it" referred to, cleared that up.
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2008, 07:12:46 AM »

It's been six days. >.<
I would love more comments to improve my character.
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2008, 08:59:53 AM »

I looked over your CD, and it looks OK to me.

I think the thing for you now is to simply wait for the CD mods to get around to commenting. You could trying politely PMing a few of them asking for comments.

However, the mods are almost always quite busy, so a measure of patience is needed while waiting for their comments. Things seem particularly busy right now, and everyone is having to wait for comments. It took me about a week before they looked over my S&W (Zann had already helped with my history).

Good luck with your character, and remember that a little patience goes a long way. It also doesn't hurt to comment on other people's CDs while you are waiting, as will increase your knowledge of Santharia and get you noticed by the mods.

Cheers from a fellow dwarf  grin
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Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #20 on: November 25, 2008, 09:26:54 AM »

Ya, patience is a virtue I've been trying to learn for the past few years...not going too well.
Zann also looked over my history, and I've already had quite a bit of help with my S&W, I guess I'm really just waiting for approvals. I can't wait to start posting as an approved character, especially at The Kann Kemruhnt.
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #21 on: November 26, 2008, 12:11:09 PM »

I'll get a few mods to check your CD.
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Show me a man who walks into a sick tent with no thought of his own health and I'll show you a brave man.
Zann Lightbringer, servant of Nehtor.
Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #22 on: November 27, 2008, 01:10:00 AM »

Ok, thanks Zann.
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
Mannix
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« Reply #23 on: November 28, 2008, 10:35:09 AM »

Hey Thorin. I’m going to give you a little check. You seem to have all the right content, so I’ll mainly point out grammar and spelling error, and give you some tip on expansion. There isn’t a lot, so I’ll cut out anything I’m not commenting on.

Overview:
Thorin keeps mostly to himself, sheltering his thoughts and emotions. He is an extraordinary smith,<~~(comma and delete 2nd space) but has not had a chance to excel because of his travels. He is not an easy mark when it comes to trickery and cheating, yet he doesn't always advertise this, wanting to let others prove their honesty. He can hold his own in a battle, but he prefers not to kill unless it's necessary.

Physical Appearance:
Thorin has a wide face, broad cheekbones, firm chin, and his lips have a brownish hue, paler skin (not quite as pale as the rest of the Mitharim Dwarfs). His beard is braided into one long, thick braid that reaches down to his waist. It is kept in an orderly fashion, even while he’s working. His hair he lets down to his shoulders, kept behind his ears. He has broad shoulders and a fairly muscular body from being a smith. He isn’t the most handsome dwarf but he isn't the ugliest. He also has a burn-scar (not sure if that's the right word) on his left palm when he accidentally grabbed a sword he thought was cool. There is also a scar on his right foot from when he dropped his smithy hammer on it.
This section has quite a few thing listed, but a description of them would be much better. You have described his beard, which is good, so why not try that with the rest. For example the first sentence is basically about his face so you could take the first point, wide face, and describe it. Maybe something like this: Thorin has a wide face, exuding strength and determination. He facial features a widely spread and rather larger. A large mouth sits above his firm chin and is framed by well-trimmed facial hair. His lips are somewhat disguised among his beard, as they have a brownish hue.
And from there you could go on to describe his nose, eyes, ears and any other facial trait. Once the face is done, you could describe his body a bit. His shoulders I see are mentioned. Just try and describe each point you have listed.


Clothing:
Thorin wears a dark brown tunic, a leather belt with a gleaming silver buckle, light brown trousers, a pair of thick leather gloves, sturdy leather boots, and a onyx ring bearing the Mitharim anvil and square.
In battle he dons a mail hauberk, a studded mail and leather helm, and, depending on the weapon he is using, a wooden, reinforced round shield.
Again, this is more of a list than a description. This section doesn’t need to be as descriptive as the last, but a little bit would help. For example, you could describe if the clothing is tightly fitting or loose, whether there is anything unusual on his clothes or boots. This also makes your character more unique.

Personality:
Thorin is not as outgoing as he once was. This is due to several occurrences where his friends have abandoned him or died. He is honest and hardworking with a hint of shyness.(space)He also hates cheaters and those who try to get ahead in life by dishonesty. He will try and stop anyone who attempts to cheat an honest worker out of their hard earned rewards. Thorin has lived among humans for quite a few years and has grown a liking to their "odd" ways. He has a strong dislike of orcs because of several stories, violent stories of course, told to him in his younger days that he still remembers quite well. He truly enjoys ale like any other dwarf, yet his tongue does not become as loose as others might.

Strengths:
-Gregory, a Kiang donkey- Thorin bought him when he was living in Marcogg. (more in familiar section). While there is more information on the donkey in the familiar section, you still need to tell us how this donkey helps Thorin.

And there you go. There wasn't a lot, so if you get these done it will mean your mod check could be an approval instead of another check. Good luck.

Mannix
« Last Edit: November 28, 2008, 10:37:45 AM by Mannix » Logged

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Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #24 on: December 04, 2008, 08:01:44 AM »

Alrighty, I went and added a bit more detail, changed some stuff around, etc. New stuff in cyan.
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
Zann Lightbringer
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« Reply #25 on: December 07, 2008, 12:09:08 AM »

If you want the CD mods to check your CD, you should change your message icon to status 2. ;)
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Show me a man who walks into a sick tent with no thought of his own health and I'll show you a brave man.
Zann Lightbringer, servant of Nehtor.
Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2008, 06:52:56 AM »

Thank you Zann, it slipped my mind.
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2008, 04:14:29 AM »

12 Day Bump
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-Thorin Broadfist
Nox Echiiscuan
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« Reply #28 on: December 20, 2008, 03:02:57 AM »

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't get an approval. I read through the whole thing and nothing seems amiss- at least not to me. So here you go!

PetPetPetFirst ApprovalPetPetPet
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Thorin Broadfist
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« Reply #29 on: December 20, 2008, 03:05:39 AM »



YAY!
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I am a blacksmith, nothing more, nothing less.
-Thorin Broadfist
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