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Author Topic: Lorek Bearfist/Helvet'ine/Muscle for hire  (Read 11029 times)
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Lorek Bearfist
Knight Berserker
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1446


Human, Helvet'ine


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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2009, 07:27:41 AM »

Okay, Simonne. All comments integrated. Thanks for the one step closer to titlement.
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"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

~Shameless Self Promotion
Alysse the Likely
New Santharian

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« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2009, 05:36:31 AM »

Alright, finally I have a few moments to check this out.  My comments in orange

Lorek Bearfist
Nicknames: Lorek the Butcher, Lorek the Heretic, Demon, Widow Maker
Age: 36
Birth date: The seventeenth day of the month Awakening Earth.
Gender: Male
Race: Human
Tribe: Helvet'ine of the Kuglimz
Occupation: Muscle for hire.
Type: Mercenary / Barbarian / Guardian / Bounty Hunter
Title: Brutal Guardian
Height: Just a few nailsbreadths more than two and a half peds.
Weight: Fluctuates between five pygges and fifteen ods to five pygges and thirty-five ods.
Eye color: A shimmering combination of the colors of Mithril and frosted Ocean Blue
Hair color: A blend of Injohue, Lyth’be Pollen and Viperene Sand
Family names: Father - Kerjinn Mother - Helik Brother - Njord
Religious faith: Armeros, God of War
Portrait: Picture. (Thank you to my friend Demacros for his excellent work. Hail my brother!)

Overview: Raised as a warrior, he comes from a long line of them. A fighter as his forefathers before him, a vicious foe in battle; he is capable of making many an enemy regret crossing his path. Trained to be great in battle at the defense of others throughout his life, Lorek possesses great fighting prowess from years of practice and training.   (To say he was "bred as a warrior" implies that his ancestors were carefully selected to produce "warrior" offspring.)
                               
Description: Hardened pale skin wrought with battle scars and given an unnatural density from years of frigid climates is spread over a tall, heavily muscled frame. Every inch of his body is covered in a layer of dense brawn. These rippling and scarred sinews show the hardships the barbarian has put his body through over the course of his lifetime. The definition of Lorek's muscles gives his body the look as if it had been carved from stone.

Five blood rings clank in one braided length of shimmering locks reminiscent the hues of sunshine. These give testament that Lorek is a powerful Helvet'ine warrior hero to be feared by all who threaten the innocent. The berserker keeps the rest of his hair loose and free of these trinkets of heritage. His golden hair hangs just slightly below massive shoulders.

Vibrant silvery blue eyes shine with a maniacal gleam and an everlasting bloodlust. They reveal much about his nature: that he is random, at times ill-tempered but mostly friendly. (There seems to be a bit of a contradiction here.  Eyes that shine with "an everlasting bloodlust" would not strike me as being "mostly friendly". )  Should one gaze a bit deeper into them, they would find the misery he hides deep within himself. A degree of sagely wisdom can also be seen inside of him through his oculars.

                                         Armor and Armaments:

A sheath on Lorek’s hip holds a sword of mammoth size. The overall size of the sword is just a little larger than one and one half peds and one palmspan. The edge of the sword measures one and three eighths peds in length and fourteen nailsbreadths across at its widest point. The sword is a highly polished black that has been tainted (I think you mean "tinted".  "Tainted" implies defiled, decayed, or befouled in some way) the color of vilique. Ancient combat runes the color of snow have been cut into the center of the length and are used as blood grooves. The lower quarter of each cutting edge has been filed to a fierce serration. Made by a dwarf craftsman of great renown, the sword is comprised entirely of a recondite metal. It has been rolled a total of two hundred and seventy-six times. The face of a demonic entity separates the grip from the blade with the horns being flared out to the sides to act as the hand guard.
         
When gazed upon, Woe Fang inspires fear and awe at its tremendous size. Reminiscent of an oversized gladius (We don't have those in Santharia as far as I know) the hulking blade is a perfect weapon for the fearless mercenary. Lorek's unsheathing of this fearsome hunk of metal has called an end to more than one bar fight by way of the other side fleeing in fear that he might actually use it.

Blood Wind is Lorek's bow. It is old, but sturdy in its make. The ancient piece of wood is a durable bit of oak wood with a plate of blackened steel over the front. The string slightly reflects the moonlight as does a spider’s web. There is etching along the steel of a few scorpions and snakes, but one would have to look very closely to see them. A steel crosshair sticks out to one side to increase accuracy.

Vicious Strike is a lance of Helvet'ine make and is thus heavier than regular lances. It is large and black with a deadly metal tip at the end. The lance measures just a little over two peds in length and is used only for open field warfare. The make of this lance ensures quality should he ever need to use it.

Lorek’s shield is a four nailsbreadths thick piece of oak wood with a five nailsbreadths thick plate of metal riveted to it. The kite shield measures one and a half peds wide and just as high, Lorek is rarely seen without it strapped to his shoulder.

His helmet is a thick piece of ore, a deep gray color except for a faint hint of an illing (I'm not sure what you mean here--possibly "sickly"?) green. A large, demonic horn protrudes from each of its sides. A set of spikes runs up the length of the nose guard. The face of the helmet is mostly open so as not to obstruct vision.

Bracers of this odd hue cover his forearms from the elbow to slightly behind his wrists. A combination of spikes and studs protrudes from each of the bracers. The bracers themselves also protect from blows that Lorek can see coming and can block with his arms. He has more than once let an opponent land a punch on him only to block their next with the bracers, resulting in a very painful injury to their hand.

Upon his commanding fists Lorek wears a pair of half-plate gloves of the same color, each of them with two blades of a half fore's length and having a scythe-like curve. They are excellent for battle because he can slash with them and shred and opponent. He can also use the blades to pierce armor or swing his sword in his left hand and punch with his right. These are not worn as often as most of his armor as they are dangerous, even to himself.

His plated scalemail upper piece slips on overhead and hangs to slightly above mid-thigh. Runes have been etched into every piece of metal that he believes to be for protection and superiority in combat over one’s enemies. The plated chest pieces have several runes cut into them. The breastplate is as grey as storm clouds with a faint hint of a sickly green offsetting its smoky hue. Lorek also wears a gorget for protection from blows to his throat.

Chainmail leggings matching the color of his scalemail are often worn beneath his clothing. They are protective and yet flexible. The usual noise made by the ringlets of his leggings is hushed by his bearskin pants. Lorek often wears a set of greaves outside these pants. Each of the greaves is a dull gray color. When donning his armor, Lorek sometimes wears a suit of tanned bearskin over top of it. The only exception is that he wears his greaves outside of his pants.

Lorek mostly only wears his bracers, gorget, shield, helmet, greaves, a bearskin suit, sword, bow and arrows. The rest of his armor and equipment he leaves in his chariot when it is not needed.

                                 Clothing:

Lorek wears nothing but bearskins, as he has no need for dressier clothing. Very rarely does he find himself in need of fine clothing and when he does he simply buys it when it is needed. The bearskins he wears are nothing short of plain. The tops of which extend to just above his elbows. Each of these has been fitted with a hood to keep his ears warm in more wintry climates. His pants extend just a few nailsbreadths above the ankle, while  knee high boots of this leather are worn on his feet.

                                  Medallion:

A large silver trinket is worn on a leather string around Lorek's neck at all times. It has a portrait of the face of Armeros. The medal hangs to a perfect rest near the top of his sternum. His name has been etched onto the back of this piece. Aside from his mithril knife, this is his prize possession.

                               Mithril knife:

When the hulking savage was a lad of but six his father gave to him a large hunting knife made of mithril. The mithril runs full tang and has a quad-riveted leather wrapped wooden handle. The knife gleams to this day and is also quite sharp for as old as it is.

Kerjinn acquired it after saving a young elven boy named E’liath from drowning on one of his travels. He had it for only a year and thought Lorek worthy of the item. Lorek is always careful to polish and sharpen it at least once per month. He has also been known to spend much time staring into the mirror-like blade.

Personality: His form is rather threatening; his mood can be foul at times, though he is not totally unfriendly. Although always prepared for battle, he is not simply a mindless killing machine. His thoughts are similar to those around him as he aspires at times to make friends. His efforts are no doubt in vain for the most part as his size and structure lend great hindrance to this. Most folks Lorek comes in contact with discern him as nothing more than a threat. Somewhat kind to strangers, Lorek will never pass up an opportunity to defend an innocent party.

While he doesn't adhere to every tradition of his Kuglmz heritage, Lorek is proud to be a Helvet'ine. He keeps five blood rings braieded into one length of his golden hair. He also keeps in the possession of a lance of Helvet'ine make. The weapon is of the finest quality available and was purchased during the mercenary's travels. He keeps these reminders of his home because he knows he can never go back. His body roams Caelereth but his heart is in the Celeste Lowlands among his tribe.

Lorek is semi-antagonistic in the taverns and inns he frequently haunts. This has led to him being thrown out of more than one tavern for fighting. Occasionally these brawls have been good for his way of life by drawing customers from the crowds of onlookers who watched him in action. Lorek would not hesitate to silence someone he viewed as overly arrogant. Though Lorek knows that these antics are sometimes good for business, he will not kill just for the smell of blood. He is very aware that one’s life is the ultimate price to pay. However, he has never backed down from a challenge.

Lorek has lived a life of battle and is thus always prepared to fight. He also has the prowess that comes from actually having fought to the death.  This has made him extremely battle hardened and many perceive him to be vicious or indifferent. While this is not entirely the case, Lorek isn't the most gregarious fellow either. He does attempt to make friends, but only if he knows he actually has a chance of being the person's friend. He doesn't just approach a woman because she's beautiful, there actually has to be something else about her to allure him.

His skills have been honed through a lifetime of practice, training, discipline and exercise. He never lets himself fall to anything below the apex of physical capability. His mindset is very military, even though he has never been involved with active military service. He is strict with discipline on himself with regards to his fitness, combat prowess and mercenary lifestyle. Lorek lives and abides completely by a code of ethics that he will never break.

Always remaining the honorable party, Lorek will justify everything he’s done with the following sentence: “Every action I’ve ever taken was the right thing to do at that time.” Regardless of what course of action he has taken in his life he has always been careful to never bring dishonor to himself or to his clan’s name.

Though honorable, he is still a mercenary and thus practices deceit by way of concealing his intentions. This coupled with violence has earned him quite a sum of coin, most of which he has spent on equipment, ale and harlots. Fearing not what is to come, he continues on. Almost positive that he is wanted by many of the people he has practiced tyranny against, he is always watching his back. He keeps violence and deceit as part of his duties when necessary to see to it Armeros’ justice remains alive in the world of Caelereth.
 
Lorek has no problem drawing swords on a foe in a bar fight taken outside to bring them in the light of the harsh realization they are outmatched. When this does not work he will simply order one of the men to come forward, and ground him with terrible injuries. This usually leads to a fresh scar upon Lorek’s massive body from a sword slash. Lorek has ended several fights in this fashion; as who can wield any weapon when breathless or in the severe pain of one or more broken bones.

Just because he enjoys a good fight, Lorek could never bring himself to violently put his hands on a woman without cause. Lorek would also jump at the opportunity to put a woman beater in his place. In his mind, only the weakest of men would ever fight a woman with no purpose other than the lust for violence in his heart. (The typical Kuglimz attitude believes that it is completely dishonorable to strike a woman for ANY reason.  Is this what Lorek believes?)

Though not totally unfriendly, Lorek has become accustomed to his wandering ways. Maybe a bit strong-willed in his realization that many of his friendships are but fleeting moments of happiness.(This is not a proper sentence, can you reword it?) His fits of anger are haunting demons that dance upon the edge of Lorek’s thoughts. This knowledge of the inner dwelling evils that torment him is almost too much of a burden to bear. This has caused the barbarian to become even more of a loner by moving on at times from relationships that held the promise of true love in his life. Sorrow permeates on the edge of his psyche with the understanding that he has most likely left behind sons of his own because of his life as a traveling mercenary and bounty hunter.

While the merc almost never goes out of his way to do someone a favor for no reason, he will help almost anyone, for a price. There are only a very select few exceptions outside of fellow worshipers of Armeros, whom he would aid without price. He has never charged his religious brethren a single san for his services, provided they give proper thanks to the War God in exchange. Entirely devout to Armeros, he spends at least one hour per day of uninterrupted prayer in the name of his chosen deity.

Lorek’s service to Armeros is proudly proclaimed. Any who disagree with it are usually left scorned with injuries. He often gazes at the sky and smiles thinking of Injera as the ever-watchful right eye of his savior. Lorek sees Armeros as responsible for his still being around to draw breaths into his lungs.

His travel pack contains the following:
Two animal skin firkins.
A flint, steel, a torch and tinder.
A week and a half worth of rations, entirely consisting of dried beef, rice, nuts and beans.
Five sets of clothing all made of bearskin.
His armor and shield.
Woe Fang.
Vicious Strike.
Three extra bowstrings.
Enough oats for his chariot horses to last them a week and a half.
Blood Wind.
A pack of fifty arrows.
A tent of accommodating size.
Two blankets.
A bedroll.
A coin sack containing a confidential amount of sans gathered from mercenary doings.
A small amount of paste mixed with sand that he applies to wounds.
The mithril hunting knife his father gave him.
A sharpening stone, a large vial of polish, a vial of oil and two black rags, both emblazoned with the Helvet’ine tribe symbol.
Five poultice rags with healing herbs rubbed into them constantly, these herbs are mixed with paste and ground stone. He applies these rags to wounds. He never leaves these rags unprepared.
A black leather knapsack to carry most of his possessions. The only things it will not hold are his armor, shield, arrows, Blood Wind, Vicious Strike and Woe Fang.

Strengths:

Hulking strength: Lorek’s colossal strength grants him abilities beyond most humans and many orcs. He is able to accomplish feats of immense physical power without exhausting himself. Lorek’s unarmed blows come like a rain of hammers as he swings his powerful fists. His might is to date unchecked.

Exercises such as the carrying of poles with large water buckets full to the brim, boulder lifting, push ups, lifting the stumps of young trees, wood chopping and object throwing have all lent a great deal to his physical strength. These exertions have also packed his entire body with dense layers of well-defined sinews.
 
Master swordsman: Easily on par with most temple knights, Lorek swings his chosen weapon with masterful expertise. His skill comes from decades of training with this lethal edged weapon. The barbarian’s prowess has been refined with lethal results. Extensive time of training has lent to a nearly unequaled mastery of his chosen weapon.
 
Barbaric fury: The destructive killing machine can enter an enraged state and feel absolutely no pain from his wounds during these times. Lorek could be mortally wounded and not realize the severity of the injuries dealt to him. He has learned to recognize the rages coming on and revels in the marvels his savage vexation can bring about. Such acts of post-mortem violence like smearing the blood of kills, the removal of fingers, eyes and other valued parts of his foes is not unheard of. When these deeds do occur, Lorek throws the puzzle pieces away.  (This kind of behaviour would be seen as dishonorable by the Kuglimz people--they typically respect the bodies of their foes. That doesn't mean you can't put it in there--this is just for your information.)

High endurance: Lorek’s endurance well exceeds that of many. This comes from years of sprinting vast distances with heavy loads placed upon his back to build his stamina. He has done this because of the lost hours of sleep due to the screams of his kills. While the others in the caravan he traveled with slept, Lorek spent most nights training his battle prowess, strength, endurance, will and religious faith.

Bow skill: Though not an expert, Lorek knows how to use a bow. Completely unable to hit anything further than fifty-five peds away, he can rarely hit moving targets unless they are coming toward him. Used a majority of time for hunting, this bow has rarely seen combat.

Weaknesses:

Alcoholic: Lorek is the thirsty breed of warrior who spends many hours in the local taverns chasing ales as well as women. Often times, he runs himself completely out of sans and must take on another dangerous job to replace the coins foolishly spent. The after effects from these nights are often noted much of the following day. Severe headaches, chills and stomach pains are amongst the most common ill effects, as well as bad temperament. His foul mood on these days after has only enhanced his problems with making friends.

Being an alcoholic of the utmost degrees, Lorek has absolutely no problems spending nearly every san he can spare in local taverns that his presence is still welcomed in. Although he has much fun drinking, he does not know when to call it quits to save a few coins in his pouch. He has more than once awoke with little to no recollection of the evening before, sometimes even waking in strange places; like the lawns of some unhappy townsfolk, alleys and in a one instance, lying nude in horse stables. Simply put; he’s a lush.

Voice of justice: Lorek will not tolerate injustices being done to any degree. If corruption be found in a city he will tackle the unfairness by any means necessary. His reasoning is that when injustice becomes law, rebellion becomes duty. (Injustice by whose definition, though?  Does he apply Kuglimz laws or his own personal notion of what "justice" is?)

Fury side effects: The actions he takes under direction of his barbaric fury have a hefty price to pay. They are driving him to madness in short order. Often plagued by blackouts, Lorek will roar and growl at the top of his lungs during these times. It could truthfully be stated he is gambling on loaded dice.
 
Tears of the dead: During his hours of rest, Lorek can hear the screams of those he has slain as if they were in the same room. Loud as bells they ring in his psyche on a nightly basis whilst he tries to rest. The violence of his past visits him every night as his gruesome acts are relived every sleeping hour. Only on occasion does he find the comfort of a full and restful night of sleep.

Lack of Fear: Due to his years as a defender of caravans and a city guard, Lorek is completely unable to show fear to any degree. This is doubtlessly a weakness for the simple fact there is no easier target than one that knows no dread. It is a severe hindrance because no matter how great the odds against him, he believes he will triumph and destroy the opposing forces that come.

Religious zealot: Lorek has on more than one occasion gone into drunken fits of screaming Armeros’ name in taverns and degrading other deities. The merc has even been insulting toward worshipers of all other Gods, calling them cowards and the like. This has started more than one bar fight, resulting in several life bans from taverns in many cities. When this happens, he simply goes to the next nearest tavern. (A true worshiper of Armeros would not degrade other gods, merely insist that they were lower, or less powerful than him.  Mind you, this would likely be enough to get him kicked out of taverns, etc.   But to degrade other gods, would have the likely result of somebody sticking a knife in Lorek's ribs when he was in a drunken sleep.)

Size problems: Let’s just face it; the world wasn’t made for big men. With great size comes the fear of others. Many view him as a monstrosity and profoundly steer clear of him, forcing him to approach them first and be gentle in ways with them at the beginning if he wishes to have friends of any degree. He is much aware that his size is intimidating but can do nothing about it. His size has also caused him to become shy to an extreme when in new crowds. (Fair enough; I can empathize with this because my husband is six foot five, built like a football player, and is considered "the runt" of his family--his three brothers are all bigger than him.  Being big has its own problems!)

Another hindrance Lorek has experienced with his size is that in fights, he is often the first target that many opponents go after. This has more than once left him to fight alone as most have no wish to dive into three on one odds, and they mostly think he needs little or no aid in any physical confrontation, true as this may be; Lorek is still only one man.

Demeanor: He is very disciplined and strict on himself and others; this aura resonates from him and makes him seem unfriendly. Most people will ignore or avoid him to the best of their ability unless they must interact with him. He is rarely approached by someone other than a waiter.
             
Fighting Style: When unarmed, Lorek uses motions of ruthless power to dispatch foes easily. These destructive movements often result in grievous and bloody injuries. Many arena fighters fear going blow-for-blow with Lorek Deathfist (Isn't it Bearfist?) ; as he is famed among them for his unrelenting blows and vicious might.

When using Woe Fang, Lorek fights with an unequaled ferocity. The berserk guardian charges foes with a bloodlust rarely seen by mortal eyes. His devastating combat prowess rapidly overcomes foes and leaves them dead on the ground. He moves as a walking blade, skillfully committing acts of horrific violence in a storm of screaming bloodshed that leaves his enemies firmly grasped by death’s icy claws.

Let this not fool you into believing the hero is a one dimensional warrior. Well versed in the use of a bow, Lorek can pierce vital areas of enemies then charge in to finish the deed. He also uses this devastating art of combat to hunt by putting an arrow through the leg of a bit of game so it can’t run away, and then ends its life by decapitation. (You said the bow was rarely used for war, this implies that is not the case.)

His style of open field fighting against groups is to fire a few arrows into the crowd with Blood Wind, then charge directly from his chariot. Grinding and crushing nearby foes to death, he also uses Vicious Strike to end many lives. Lastly, he will switch up to Woe Fang and bury it into any enemy close enough. This style of fighting has not yet been tested, but the equipment is in his possession should the need arise.

Favored Prayer for Lorek Ares Bearfist: Master of battle, I pledge my service unending. Polaris, guide me to the battlefield where I shall faithfully fight in the name of Armeros. See me coming, enemies o’ mine, you will wish you had the option to flee. I take an oath to stand my ground and fight with honor, none shall chase me away. Opposing forces will be slaughtered like cattle by way of my mighty hand. Lord Armeros, should I fall I shall hail thee with my dying breath.

Skills of note: Knowledge of law in the city Cruor where he worked as a guard, also in the laws and punishments of his homeland, able to charge into battle with a lance, strong will, used to performing many tasks with some of his armor and shield equipped, hunting, trapping, tracking and giving good advice.

Moral Code:

Justice: To always serve the purpose of integrity, regardless of the means. The end will always justify them.

Treachery: Only to be practiced if needed to prevent a greater evil from taking place.

Discipline: Remain disciplined and in the best possible condition. (This seems to contradict his alcoholism.  There is nothing disciplined about that.)

Betrayal: Never betray a friend who has proven they are worthy of trust. Give them the same confidence in you.

Innocence: Always look for the good in everyone; even the dregs of society. Presume everyone is innocent, lest you accuse someone unjustly. Set out to fight and to destroy all who persecute the pure.

Freedom: Fight to the death for your freedom. Let no one accuse you unjustly. If you should commit an infraction, own up to the mistake. Defend the freedom of others with the same zeal.

Life: Respect life; know that one’s life is the ultimate price to pay. Take no lives without cause.

Honor: Never compromise your honor. Commit no action that would have you questioning your own integrity.

Suspicion: Trust no one until they prove worthy of it. Always keep up your guard against treachery and deceit.



Okay, this seems to be mostly in line.  I've raised issues where they occur.  I can't approve this for you, not being an RPG mod, but with the exception of the above mentioned points, I think you should be nearly ready.  Thumb up

Alysse the Likely
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Lorek Bearfist
Knight Berserker
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Human, Helvet'ine


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« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2009, 07:08:49 AM »

All comments integrated. More should be forthcoming soon, I hope.
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"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

~Shameless Self Promotion
Weivóc'Neán
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« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2009, 12:18:22 AM »

I don't see much wrong with this, just a quick glance over S&W's, clothing, appearance, and personality. I didn't see anything wrong, and didn't spot any spelling or grammar errors, so i think you are ready.
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May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
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« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2009, 04:32:19 AM »

Comments will be made pretty in Pink.
Corrections will be made ravishing in Red.


Name: Lorek Bearfist
Nicknames: Lorek the Butcher, Lorek the Heretic, Demon, Widow Maker
Age: 36
Birth date: The seventeenth day of the month Awakening Earth.
Gender: Male
(Space)
Race: Human
Tribe: Helvet'ine of the Kuglimz
Occupation: Muscle for hire.
Type: Mercenary / Barbarian / Guardian / Bounty Hunter
Title: Brutal Guardian
(Space)
Height: Just a few nailsbreadths more than two and a half peds.
Weight: Fluctuates between five pygges and fifteen ods to five pygges and thirty-five ods.
Eye color: A shimmering combination of the colors of Mithril and frosted Ocean Blue
Hair color: A blend of Injohue, Lyth’be Pollen and Viperene Sand
(Space)
Family names: Father - Kerjinn Mother - Helik Brother - Njord
Religious faith: Armeros, God of War
(Space)
Portrait: Picture. (Thank you to my friend Demacros for his excellent work. Hail my brother!)

Overview: Bred as a warrior<-comma) he comes from a long line of them. A fighter as his forefathers before him, a vicious foe in battle; he is capable of making many an enemy regret crossing his path. Trained to be great in battle at the defense of others throughout his life, Lorek possesses great fighting prowess from years of practice and training.
                               
Description: Hardened pale skin wrought with battle scars and given an unnatural density from years of frigid climates is spread over a tall, heavily muscled frame. Every inch of his body is covered in a layer of dense brawn. These rippling and scarred sinews show the hardships the barbarian has put his body through over the course of his lifetime. The definition of Lorek's muscles gives his body the look as if it had been carved from stone.The last part of this sentence sounds weird to me. How about "The definition of Lorek's muscles makes his body appear as if it had been carved from stone." ?

Five blood rings clank in one braided length of shimmering locks reminiscent the hues of sunshine. These give testament that Lorek is a powerful Helvet'ine warrior hero to be feared by all who threaten the innocent. The berserker keeps the rest of his hair loose and free of these trinkets of heritage. His golden hair hangs just slightly below massive shoulders.

Vibrant silvery blue eyes shine with a maniacal gleam and an everlasting bloodlust. They reveal much about his nature: that he is random, at times ill-tempered but mostly friendly. Should one gaze a bit deeper into them, they would find the misery he hides deep within himself. A degree of sagely wisdom can also be seen inside of him through his oculars. Alright. We know how his hair is, that he's so muscled he looks to be carved of stone, and that he has striking eyes. But what about his hands? What about his mouth? His chin? His ears? Eyebrows? Nose? What about all of those things?

                                         Armor and Armaments:

A sheath on Lorek’s hip holds a sword of mammoth size. The overall size of the sword is just a little larger than one and one half peds and one palmspan. The edge of the sword measures one and three eighths peds in length and fourteen nailsbreadths across at its widest point. The sword is a highly polished black that has been tainted the color of vilique. Ancient combat runes the color of snow have been cut into the center of the length and are used as blood grooves. The lower quarter of each cutting edge has been filed to a fierce serration. Made by a dwarf craftsman of great renown, the sword is comprised entirely of a recondite metal. It has been rolled a total of two hundred and seventy-six times. The face of a demonic entity separates the grip from the blade with the horns being flared out to the sides to act as the hand guard.
         
When gazed upon, Woe Fang inspires fear and awe at its tremendous size. Reminiscent of an oversized gladius, the hulking blade is a perfect weapon for the fearless mercenary. Lorek unloosing this fearsome hunk of metal has called an end to more than one bar fight by way of the other side fleeing in fear that he might actually use it.

Blood Wind is Lorek's bow. It is old, but sturdy in its make. The ancient piece of wood is a durable bit of oak wood with a plate of blackened steel over the front. The string slightly reflects the moonlight as does a spider’s web. There is etching along the steel of a few scorpions and snakes, but one would have to look very closely to see them. A steel crosshair sticks out to one side to increase accuracy.

Vicious Strike is a lance of Helvet'ine make and is thus heavier than regular lances. It is large and black with a deadly metal tip at the end. The lance measures just a little over two peds in length and is used only for open field warfare. The make of this lance ensures quality should he ever need to use it.

Lorek’s shield is a four nailsbreadths thick piece of oak wood with a five nailsbreadths thick plate of metal riveted to it. The kite shield measures one and a half peds wide and just as high, Lorek is rarely seen without it strapped to his shoulder. 

His helmet is a thick piece of ore, a deep gray color except for a faint hint of an illingI don't think "illing" is a word. Perhaps you meant "sickly"? green. A large, demonic horn protrudes from each of its sides. Each of it's sides? Sooo... does it have four horns or two horns? If it is, indeed, the latter (two horns), then I would suggest changed the last part of that sentence to "from either side." A set of spikes runs up the length of the nose guard. The face of the helmet is mostly open so as not to obstruct vision.

Bracers of this odd hue cover his forearms from the elbow to slightly behind his wrists. A combination of spikes and studs protrudes from each of the bracers. The bracers themselves also protect from blows that Lorek can see coming and can block with his arms. He has more than once let an opponent land a punch on him only to block their next with the bracers, resulting in a very painful injury to their hand.

Upon his commanding fists Lorek wears a pair of half-plate gloves of the same color, each of them with two blades of a half fore's length and having a scythe-like curve.This reads oddly. How abouuut "each are equipped with two scythe-like blades that are half a fore in length." ? Just a suggestion. They are excellent for battle because he can slash with them and shred an opponent. He can also use the blades to pierce armor or swing his sword in his left hand and punch with his right. These are not worn as often as most of his armor as they are dangerous, even to himself. 

His plated scalemail upper piece slips on overhead and hangs to slightly above mid-thigh. Runes have been etched into every piece of metal that he believes to be for protection and superiority in combat over one’s enemies. The plated chest pieces have several runes cut into them. The breastplate is as grey as storm clouds with a faint hint of a sickly green offsetting its smoky hue. Lorek also wears a gorget for protection from blows to his throat.

ChainmailNo. It is either "chain" or "mail", not both. So go with one or the other. Having both is redundant. leggings matching the color of his scalemail are often worn beneath his clothing. They are protective and yet flexible. The usual noise made by the ringlets of his leggings is hushed by his bearskin pants. Lorek often wears a set of greaves outside these pants. Each of the greaves is a dull gray color. When donning his armor, Lorek sometimes wears a suit of tanned bearskin over top of it. The only exception is that he wears his greaves outside of his pants.

Lorek mostly only wears his bracers, gorget, shield, helmet, greaves, a bearskin suit, sword, bow and arrows. The rest of his armor and equipment he leaves in his chariot when it is not needed. He has a chariot?! What a roman. Though, you do realise that wearing so much armour while fighting would slow him down a bit, whether or not he's a ridiculous amount of brawn. Him being so large just means that there'd need to be more metal to cover his frame.

                                 Clothing:

Lorek wears nothing but bearskins, as he has no need for dressier clothing. Very rarely does he find himself in need of fine clothing and when he does he simply buys it when it is needed. The bearskins he wears are nothing short of plain. The tops of which extend to just above his elbows. Each of these has been fitted with a hood to keep his ears warm in more wintry climates. His pants extend just a few nailsbreadths above the ankle, while  <-remove extra space)knee high boots of this leather are worn on his feet.

                                  Medallion:

A large silver trinket is worn on a leather string around Lorek's neck at all times. It has a portrait of the face of Armeros. The medal hangs to a perfect rest near the top of his sternum. His name has been etched onto the back of this piece. Aside from his mithril knife, this is his prize possession.

                               Mithril knife:

When the hulking savage was a lad of but six his father gave to him a large hunting knife made of mithril. The mithril runs full tang and has a quad-riveted leather wrapped wooden handle. The knife gleams to this day and is also quite sharp for as old as it is.

Kerjinn acquired it after saving a young elven boy<-comma) named E’liath<-comma) from drowning on one of his travels. He had it for only a year and thought Lorek worthy of the item. Lorek is always careful to polish and sharpen it at least once per month. He has also been known to spend much time staring into the mirror-like blade.

Personality: His form is rather threatening; his mood can be foul at times, though he is not totally unfriendly. Although always prepared for battle, he is not simply a mindless killing machine. His thoughts are similar to those around him as he aspires at times to make friends. His efforts are no doubt in vain for the most part<-comma) as his size and structure lend great hindrance to this. Most folks Lorek comes in contact with discern him as nothing more than a threat. Somewhat kind to strangers, Lorek will never pass up an opportunity to defend an innocent party.

While he doesn't adhere to every tradition of his Kuglmz heritage, Lorek is proud to be a Helvet'ine. He keeps five blood rings braieded into one length of his golden hair. He also keeps in the<-remove) his possession of<-remove) a lance of Helvet'ine make. The weapon is of the finest quality available and was purchased during the mercenary's travels. He keeps these reminders of his home because he knows he can never go back. His body roams Caelereth<-comma) but his heart is in the Celeste Lowlands among his tribe.

Lorek is semi-antagonistic in the taverns and inns he frequently haunts. This has led to him being thrown out of more than one tavern for fighting. Occasionally these brawls have been good for his way of life by drawing customers from the crowds of onlookers who watched him in action. Lorek would not hesitate to silence someone he viewed as overly arrogant. Though Lorek knows that these antics are sometimes good for business, he will not kill just for the smell of blood. He is very aware that one’s life is the ultimate price to pay. However, he has never backed down from a challenge.

Lorek has lived a life of battle and is thus always prepared to fight. He also has the prowess that comes from actually having fought to the death.  This has made him extremely battle hardened and many perceive him to be vicious or indifferent. While this is not entirely the case, Lorek isn't the most gregarious fellow either. He does attempt to make friends, but only if he knows he actually has a chance of being the person's friend. He doesn't just approach a woman because she's beautiful, there actually has to be something else about her to allure him.

His skills have been honed through a lifetime of practice, training, discipline and exercise. He never lets himself fall to anything below the apex of physical capability. His mindset is very military, even though he has never been involved with active military service. He is strict with discipline on himself with regards to his fitness, combat prowess and mercenary lifestyle. Lorek lives and abides completely by a code of ethics that he will never break.

Always remaining the honorable party, Lorek will justify everything he’s done with the following sentence: “Every action I’ve ever taken was the right thing to do at that time.” Regardless of what course of action he has taken in his life<-comma) he has always been careful to never bring dishonor to himself or to his clan’s name.

Though honorable, he is still a mercenary and thus practices deceit by way of concealing his intentions. This coupled with violence has earned him quite a sum of coin, most of which he has spent on equipment, ale and harlots. Fearing not what is to come, he continues on. Almost positive that he is wanted by many of the people he has practiced tyranny against, he is always watching his back. He keeps violence and deceit as part of his duties when necessary to see to it Armeros’ justice remains alive in the world of Caelereth.Huh? This sentence doesn't quite make sense to me. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I've read it in a handful of different ways and it still has yet to click. Sooo... please rephrase it.
 
Lorek has no problem drawing swords on a foe in a bar fight taken outside to bring them in the light of the harsh realization they are outmatched. When this does not work he will simply order one of the men to come forward, and ground him with terrible injuries. This usually leads to a fresh scar upon Lorek’s massive body from a sword slash. Lorek has ended several fights in this fashion; as who can wield any weapon when breathless or in the severe pain of one or more broken bones.Isn't this a rhetorical question? So shouldn't it be ended with a question mark?

Just because he enjoys a good fight, Lorek could never bring himself to violently put his hands on a woman without cause. Lorek would also jump at the opportunity to put a woman beater in his place. In his mind, only the weakest of men would ever fight a woman with no purpose other than the lust for violence in his heart. The only time he would ever engage a female in combat is if the situation threatened his life.   

Though not totally unfriendly, Lorek has become accustomed to his wandering ways. He has become a bit strong-willed and realized that many of his friendships are but fleeting moments of happiness. His fits of anger are haunting demons that dance upon the edge of Lorek’s thoughts. This knowledge of the inner dwelling evils that torment him is almost too much of a burden to bear. This has caused the barbarian to become even more of a loner by moving on at times from relationships that held the promise of true love in his life. Sorrow permeates on the edge of his psyche with the understanding that he has most likely left behind sons of his own because of his life as a traveling mercenary and bounty hunter.

While the merc almost never goes out of his way to do someone a favor for no reason, he will help almost anyone, for a price. There are only a very select few exceptions outside of fellow worshipers of Armeros, whom he would aid without price. He has never charged his religious brethren a single san for his services, provided they give proper thanks to the War God in exchange. Entirely devout to Armeros, he spends at least one hour per day of uninterrupted prayer in the name of his chosen deity.

Lorek’s service to Armeros is proudly proclaimed. Any who disagree with it are usually left scorned with injuries. He often gazes at the sky and smiles thinking of Injera as the ever-watchful right eye of his savior. Lorek sees Armeros as responsible for his still being around to draw breaths<-breath?) into his lungs.


That's all for now. I'm babysitting and don't have time for anything more at the moment. I'll pick up where I left off when I have the time.

Bobspeed,
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« Last Edit: January 30, 2009, 04:42:43 AM by Nox Belle » Logged

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« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2009, 04:42:27 AM »

Here we go again.
Comments made pretty in Pink.
Corrections made ravishing in Red.


Strengths:

Hulking strength: Lorek’s colossal strength grants him abilities beyond most humans and many orcs. He is able to accomplish feats of immense physical power without exhausting himself. Lorek’s unarmed blows come like a rain of hammers as he swings his powerful fists. His might is to date unchecked.

Exercises<-comma) such as the carrying of poles with large water buckets full to the brim, boulder lifting, push ups, lifting the stumps of young trees, wood chopping and object throwing have all lent a great deal to his physical strength. These exertions have also packed his entire body with dense layers of well-defined sinews. Boulder lifting, Lorek? Really? Boulders are huge rocks, you know that, right? Giant rocks are very heavy. I don't think this is realistic at all. You can throw all sorts of links stating that "No no, it's realistic. These people have done it. These people do it." I really don't care. It's not realistic. Those people are freaks. You'll need to tone this down just a touch. No boulder lifting for you, Lorek. Also, lots of hours of practice with particularly heavy weapons would be a workout.
 
Master swordsman: Easily on par with most temple knights, Lorek swings his chosen weapon with masterful expertise. His skill comes from decades of training with this lethal edged weapon. The barbarian’s prowess has been refined with lethalJust my own personal nitpick. But using the word "lethal" again in this sentence sounds very repetitive. results. Extensive time of training has lent to a nearly unequaled mastery of his chosen weapon. So he's the best with his huge sword? The best of the best? Perhaps not. I'd say that he just has yet to meet someone better than him because they're so rare. He's a big brute with an actual personality. Hefting around a huge weapon like he has doesn't have all that much speed behind it. Someone small, quick, and skilled at their style of fighting would be able to best him if they were good enough. Just saying
 
Barbaric fury: The destructive killing machine can enter an enraged state and feel absolutely no pain from his wounds during these times. Lorek could be mortally wounded and not realize the severity of the injuries dealt to him. He has learned to recognize the rages coming on and revels in the marvels his savage vexation can bring about. Such acts of post-mortem violence like smearing the blood of kills, the removal of fingers, eyes and other valued parts of his foes is not unheard of. When these deeds do occur, Lorek throws the puzzle pieces away.

High endurance: Lorek’s endurance well exceeds that of many. This comes from years of sprinting vast distances with heavy loads placed upon his back to build his stamina. He has done this because of the lost hours of sleep due to the screams off his kills. While the others in the caravan he traveled with slept, Lorek spent most nights training his battle prowess, strength, endurance, will and religious faith.

Bow skill: Though not an expert, Lorek knows how to use a bow. Completely unable to hit anything further than fifty-five peds away, he can rarely hit moving targets unless they are coming toward him. He uses it for both hunting and combat<-period)

Weaknesses:

Alcoholic: Lorek is the thirsty breed of warrior who spends many hours in the local taverns chasing ales as well as women. Often times, he runs himself completely out of sans and must take on another dangerous job to replace the coins foolishly spent. The after effects from these nights are often noted much of the following day. Severe headaches, chills and stomach pains are amongst the most common ill effects, as well as bad temperament. His foul mood on these days after has only enhanced his problems with making friends.

Being an alcoholic of the utmost degrees, Lorek has absolutely no problems spending nearly every san he can spare in local taverns that his presence is still welcomed in. Although he has much fun drinking, he does not know when to call it quits to save a few coins in his pouch. He has more than once awoke with little to no recollection of the evening before, sometimes even waking in strange places; like the lawns of some unhappy townsfolk, alleys and in a one instance, lying nude in horse stables. Simply put; he’s a lush. Being drunk would sort of mess with your reaction time, balance, and such. Being drunk in a fight is a bad idea. Chasing women might just land him in a fight that he can't actually win, due to being too intoxicated.

Voice of justice: Lorek will not tolerate injustices being done to any degree. If corruption be found in a city<-comma) he will tackle the unfairness by any means necessary. His reasoning is that when injustice becomes law, rebellion becomes duty. In matters such as these, he always uses his own notion of justice and integrity.

Fury side effects: The actions he takes under direction of his barbaric fury have a hefty price to pay. They are driving him to madness in short order. Often plagued by blackouts, Lorek will roar and growl at the top of his lungs during these times. It could truthfully be stated he is gambling on loaded dice. You should also mention the injuries that he gets while in his rage. I mean... He can't be as good as he would be in a fight when operating on pure rage. His technique with his sword would be sloppy. But the absolutely unrestrained power behind each blow would end up being devastating should he land one. It's how things works. Still wouldn't be all that fast, though. Heh.
 
Tears of the dead: During his hours of rest, Lorek can hear the screams of those he has slain as if they were in the same room. Loud as bells they ring in his psyche on a nightly basis whilst he tries to rest. The violence of his past visits him every night as his gruesome acts are relived every sleeping hour. Only on occasion does he find the comfort of a full and restful night of sleep.

Lack of Fear: Due to his years as a defender of caravans and a city guard, Lorek is completely unable to show fear to any degree. This is doubtlessly a weakness for the simple fact there is no easier target than one that knows no dread. It is a severe hindrance because no matter how great the odds against him, he believes he will triumph and destroy the opposing forces that come. He's not fearless. He's cocky. Think's he's the best of the best of the best. And that is what is going to get him killed.

Religious zealot: Lorek has on more than one occasion gone into drunken fits of screaming Armeros’ name in taverns and degrading other deities. The merc has even been insulting toward worshipers of all other Gods, calling them cowards and the like. This has started more than one bar fight, resulting in several life bans from taverns in many cities. When this happens, he simply goes to the next nearest tavern.

Size problems: Let’s just face it; the world wasn’t made for big men. With great size comes the fear of others. Many view him as a monstrosity and profoundly steer clear of him, forcing him to approach them first and be gentle in ways with them at the beginning if he wishes to have friends of any degree. He is much aware that his size is intimidating but can do nothing about it. His size has also caused him to become shy to an extreme when in new crowds.

Another hindrance Lorek has experienced with his size is that in fights, he is often the first target that many opponents go after. This has more than once left him to fight alone as most have no wish to dive into three on one odds, and they mostly think he needs little or no aid in any physical confrontation,<-period) True as this may be; Lorek is still only one man.

Demeanor: He is very disciplined and strict on himself and others; this aura resonates from him and makes him seem unfriendly. Most people will ignore or avoid him to the best of their ability unless they must"unless they must"? How about "unless it's completely necessary for them to interact with him."? Sound better, yeah? interact with him. He is rarely approached by someone other than a waiter.

I think you're overpowered, personally. So he's a big brute and his main problem is making friends. Ooo. No friends. Big deal. He could just kill all of them. You need to add a weakness or two in. You'd think ignoring a particularly bad wound because he doesn't notice it due to being in a rage would maybe cause problems. Like a wound to the upper leg makes his thigh cramp up if he runs too much. Or, he's built for power and not for speed. His weapon is pretty freaking hefty and would slow him down a bit. And so would wearing all of that armour. I'm just saying. You need weaknesses. I'm just mentioning the easiest ones to integrate.


I'll comment on more of your CD when I have some more time. This is it for now.

Bobspeed
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« Last Edit: January 30, 2009, 04:53:32 AM by Nox Belle » Logged

Lorek Bearfist
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« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2009, 08:51:50 AM »

Ready for further comments. Two minor weaknesses added and one expanded upon.
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"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

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« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2009, 12:32:41 AM »

Alright. My apologies to Isoto, Twen, Talia, and Thorgas- All of whom I deleted comments from in this CD. I did so for a good reason, I promise. He still needs to add in the descriptions of his chariot and horses into the CD and the other posts are so long that I don't want him to risk losing any material just because I was like "Yeah, well, squeeze it in."

If the chariot and horse descriptions are without issues, you'll be receiving your first approval from me, Lorek.
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« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2009, 01:00:58 AM »

*Bursts at the seams with jubilation. Coffee is spilled everywhere on his laptop from joyous laughter.* Hells yes! I can be in FD as early as next week.
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"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

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« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2009, 05:27:52 AM »

And, since you added the horses and the chariot- I personally feel that this is good enough. So. Here you go- First Approval.

Lets see who has time to look through this to see if you can get a second one, yeah?
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« Reply #25 on: February 01, 2009, 05:48:30 AM »

That was a migthy long CD, Lorek, so it took me awhile :)

~Second Approval~
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« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2009, 05:50:32 AM »

Thanks tons, y'all. grin Hard work does pay off when you're not being a rude jerk to everyone.
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"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

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« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2009, 09:39:52 AM »

Amazing, isn't it? Hope we learned something...

Titled and archived.
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« Reply #28 on: February 17, 2009, 05:01:57 AM »

Brought up as per request.
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