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Author Topic: Airyn / Kay’rrhem / Healer + Water Mage  (Read 10788 times)
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Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2009, 07:10:46 PM »

*bump*

Just saving this from the second page  :)

As always, feel free to comment on anything
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Mannix
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« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2009, 07:37:07 PM »

Oh, sorry Airyn. I thought I had posted here already. I have a check all done for you, including more than enough to help you with your magic. But it's on my laptop, so I can't post it right now. I'll get it up ASAP; the weekend at the latest. Hope you don't mind a little wait. :)

Mannix
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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Mannix Vaelos ~ Character Creation Help ~ FAQs ~ Restrictions
Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2009, 08:15:06 PM »

No, you have done already and thanks heaps.
Sorry if im being a bit demanding, I don't mean to be. I just dont know what to edit  grin
The wait's fine, I don't mind  :)
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Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2009, 07:24:15 PM »

It's been a while without comments, and I now find myself with nothing to edit *grin*

I'd really appreciate it if someone looked over this for me  :)
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Rookie Brownbark
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« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2009, 07:26:04 PM »

Hey Airyn, if you've been waiting for comments for more than 3 days there is a thread where you can bring this to the CD mods (and everyone else's) attention.  It's called "Character Descriptions in Waiting" and it's at the top of this forum :).
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Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2009, 07:31:44 PM »

Okay, thankyou heaps  :)

I just didn't want to seem impatient though I think I seem to be already.

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Rookie Brownbark
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« Reply #21 on: February 18, 2009, 07:34:25 PM »

No worries, you seem fairly patient to me!  You just missed the place where you're more likely to get some action.

*points to the Character Descriptions in Waiting thread* Go post! ;)
« Last Edit: February 18, 2009, 07:35:09 PM by Rookie Brownbark » Logged

Simonne Miller
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« Reply #22 on: February 19, 2009, 12:42:42 AM »

Hi Airyn!

I read through your CD and already it feels a lot more... elfy... than the previous version. There are a few things though that I wondered about as I read.

Being from Nybelmar, why did so many of her family attend the Ximax academy? It's not a very obvious choice, and while the academy is very famous in Sarvonia, I'm not sure just how much people from Nybelmar would know about it, especially a tribe of elves that hardly ever leaves their jungle behind...

Then, you have her realise she wants to know water magic when she is 24, and then when she is 34 or thereabouts, in the class, she realises it all over again? Perhaps you could change that into her realising that she really did make the right choice for the type of magic?

About the bird swooping down, I'm having a bit of trouble understanding why any bird would randomly attack someone who didn't do anything to offend them, as far as I can see. About the other bird, the wood owl... no matter how hungry wood owls are, I doubt they are going to eat bread. Also, running is not their way of hunting (they are singularily NOT built for running! I doubt they could put one paw in front of the other even if they wanted to ;))

And one last thing... what you described is not the way it works. At least I don't think it does. Gifted people find out that they can do magic when they are under heavy emotional stress. I have not yet heard about anyone accomplishing a spell that they had not learned just by concentrating. Although, I'd ask a magic expert about this if I were you because I'm honestly not sure about that ;)

Hope that helps you a little!

Simonne
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Simonne Miller
Twén Aråerwén
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« Reply #23 on: February 19, 2009, 02:44:31 AM »

Hello Airyn and welcome to Santharia! I will start with your magic section and give you some other pointers at the end.
Quote
Airyn has skilfully mastered the first Sphere of magic at the Ximax Academy of Magic, choosing to focus her teachings on the physical aspects of water. Her magical strength for this element lies in controlling the motions of water. She is able to make a small puddle ripple and move as a large body of water would, and can also make any body of water (As a sI using mage she can only affect a single car'all, in this case an area car'all, since you are not speaking of a specific object. Hence the maximum area affected would be around 4 ped.) , within reason, freeze entirely. This took years of perfecting and learning, and Airyn was eager to do both, as befitting of her tribe. Her favourite and strongest strength in this craft is the ability to move and shape water. She sometimes separates streams to make pathways to land on the other side, or will make the water from her mother's washing bucket move in amusing shapes and angles. Airyn sees the beauty of water, not its dangerous side.

Since Airyn had no specific mentor to speak of, as she learnt her lessons from the academy's teachers, she follows the orthodox Ximaxian theory of Magic, the same as the understanding that her father holds for wind magic. She was disappointed when her father could not take her as his apprentice, but he simply smiled and told her to follow her own dreams, and not to do things just because she may feel obligated to please someone other than herself.
The teacher's at the school took a liking to the elf, and constantly encouraged her to "look inside herself, and follow the feelings that presented themselves."<-This entire paragraph is more like history than a magic section.
"Do not ever force your will from you," they said, "and focus yourself on the form that you want it to create. Control it that way."

Airyn has completely mastered three spells, and uses them with absolute confidence. She uses these spells as she likes, since she knows and understands when it is appropriate to use them. These spells are: Shape Water (Learnt in her third level with some struggle, but mere focus and training helped to perfect this spell), Ice Touch (Learnt in her second level with no struggle at all, but was merely surprised when she figured out what it took to perform the same spell she had in her first year at Ximax...), and finally Calmness. By nature, Airyn is a peaceful being and uses this spell to meditate, and to calm any being's emotions and mind. Her father taught her this spell, saying that it would be a good experience to learn a spell from another element.<-It is not possible for a mage to learn spells from other elements. Various elements have contradictory ways of thinking and makes the casting of other elements impossible, as this would destroy the mages 'will' to influence a car'all. This took her some time to master, as there is some difference between wind and water magic, and she was not all that confident to begin training it. She also uses this spell to control moods and emotions, but only when there is anger or frustration of some sort. Airyn will never interfere with the mind for long periods of time, thus uses this spell in short bursts.<-All sI incantations require the focus of the caster and cease to exist once their concentration is broken.

Airyn has taken many years to practice the casting for her water related spells. At the beginning of her training in this area, Airyn grew tired very quickly whilst casting it. She had some trouble in the casting of the spell, but not the spell itself, so her teachers recommended that she distance herself from company for a period of time to allow her to perfect her skills. Airyn sat down by a long river in Ximax, away from any of her peers, and placed her hand in the water. She found that her spell is better cast when she comes into contact with the subject, and eventually gained the stamina to control her casting. Now, Airyn simply focuses all of her will on her target, and lets it bring the magic forward. Airyn is capable of shaping and moving reasonable weights of water, and can manage up to 6 Hebs. At first, she could only control water that weight not much more than a small bucket. Heavier weights would rarely be moved for long periods of time, as Airyn fears loss of focus and causing accidents for those around her. Airyn cannot focus herself on casting these kinds of water-related spells for any longer than ten minutes, as the strength it uses still tires her quickly.<-Ten minutes is an exceptional amount of time for a mage of this level to focus their will on an incantation. Though exceptional it is not impossible.
It took little time for Airyn to master the changing of water to ice. Airyn uses this magic in her defense (Should she need it), and also to entertain young elves by freezing fountains or freezing small bodies of water for the children to slide across. Mastered by vigorous training, Airyn controls this spell with not more than a simple gesture of her hand. When she was first learning this spell, Airyn could not draw her eyes from her target or she would lose her concentration. This spell is one that Airyn fears the most, though it is the one that she is most confident with.<-At her level she would need to keep her eyes on what she is doing, as well as remain focused. Airyn takes great care to keep her target in one place, so as not to freeze anything of importance accidentally.
Airyn must use her hand to touch her target when using mind-related spells. She carefully presses a finger to the subject, and breathes deeply. This spell is the one that requires the most focus, and she uses just enough of this spell to send the subject into a temporary state of relaxation. This spell also has a tiring effect on Airyn. She must only use this spell once a day, or even once a week depending on the number of people she uses it on. You confuse me throughout this magic section as you clearly stated above that her father taught her wind magic. Yet within this entire section you quote using the Calm spell to influence emotions, which is water magic. You need to go through the ENTIRE magic section and remove any indication your character can cast wind magic. This is not possible.

Airyn only uses these three spells as, one, they are her favourite and, two, they are the first (water) spells that she learnt. Her calmness spell is one of her favourites as she appreciates the dedication her father showed in trying to teach it to her. They are of great importance to her, and are used as a way of remembering her time spent at Ximax. Her defensive spells are only used when she feels threatened in any way; whether it be by a single person or a situation. As she can have quite a cheeky nature, her spells are mostly to promote entertainment for not only herself but the people around her. She is only serious with her magic when casing, and deciding what to use magic on. She could cast spells in a spur-of-the-moment act, or could take time to decide what she will do and where she will do it. It all depends on her frame of mind at the time.<-Most 1-3 lvl mages require time to cast their spells, it is a product of their still budding abilities and understanding of their craft.

Her favourite pastime is freezing things, and making water move in all sorts of directions and angles. She loves the combination of water and ice, and will spend hours on end watching the water move and freeze before her eyes.<-If she is moving and freezing water for hours on end, her will would be exhausted long before this time. She often chooses to perform her tricks near a large body of water, rather than just puddles and ponds as it is easier for her to concentrate.

Airyn strongly believes that water is the'"giver of life", and takes a lot of pride in her spells and the things she uses them for.
Well first off, you should understand that if her father taught her wind magic or the principals of it, this would make learning water more difficult once she reached Ximax. Basically they would need to reteach her in the ways of observing the car'all. Secondly, your character influences water ounia by strengthening and weakening water's properties. I see no mention of this throughout your entire magic section. Here are some links to some reading that may help you understand the system more.
Useful Links
Properties Discussion
Interesting Read for beginning Magi
Cutting edge but not completely fact
-Ounia-
Cár'áll, Magical Aura

My second concern is the Likes+Dislikes list you have made. This entire section should be added in paragraph form to the personality section. As this is simply a list of personality quirks for your character.

I hope this helps you with gaining your title soon. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask them, as there are many about willing to help you. I have changed the icon to the pencil until you are done editing. Please return the exclamation mark once you have finished.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén: Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: February 19, 2009, 02:50:40 AM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged

•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
_.·´¯) Twén Aråerwén's CD(¯`·._
Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2009, 07:52:48 PM »

I hope that's better  :)

Thankyou to Simonne and Twen for correcting my mistakes, and I hope the bit (which is ever-so-small) about ounia is alright. It took a few reads for it to sink in properly  :)

All done and ready for comments
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #25 on: February 24, 2009, 03:28:47 AM »

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention last time. At the moment you're living in Nybelmar, correct? That's not really very handy, since there's not even one story set there. You'd actually need to come back to Santharia if you want to get into a story, i'm afraid...
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Youth is a gift of nature, but old age is a work of art
Simonne Miller
Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #26 on: February 25, 2009, 08:43:05 AM »

Oh, rightio then. That's a downer.

Ah well, all sorted,

Thanks Simonne  :)
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Azhira Styralias
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Half-elf, Aellenrhim/ Erpheronian


« Reply #27 on: February 26, 2009, 11:23:01 PM »

Hi Airyn, you will need a special section for your familiar. Usually, you would describe the dog's habits, personality, appearance and its relationship to you. If its just a simple dog, then you don't need to get too detailed. Simply take what is in your history and move it to a separate section.

Our beast and familiar mod, Garret, can help in this regard.

Other wise, I think the rest of the CD looks good!  Thumb up
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"Be still and I shall calm your mind and mend your broken body."
Airyn
The Worrywort
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Elf, Kay'rrhem


« Reply #28 on: February 27, 2009, 09:48:19 PM »

Thanks Azhia  :)

All changes made and coloured.
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Garret Arroway
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« Reply #29 on: February 28, 2009, 02:06:16 PM »

Alright, looks like you've managed to get it filled out before I finally found my way over here today. Sorry for the delay. I'll go through, make notes on some formattin' things and mention anythin' I see outta place anyways. Also, make sure ya put spaces between paragraphs here as well. While its smaller sections, it still gets a bit tricky when bunched together like that.

Familiar
Name: Sage

Gender: Male

Age: Unknown by Airyn, but his lean body and constant energy suggests that he is aged between two and four years of age.
     (Even if Airyn doesn't know the dog's age you as the writer do, just like with your character's own age. Ex. "<Insert Age Here> (Unknown by Airyn - Believed to be between 2 & 4)". It's simple, compact, and gives us all the information. While showing the true age is requested, the formattin' suggestion is optional, I just encourage certain formats, which would be short, compact answers for sections I call "List Sections", and detailed answers for the other ones.)

Breed: Dog

Type: Rimrunner
     (Alright, just bumping these up here as it makes it easier to read if you keep the listed stuff at the top and larger paragraphs at the bottom, makin' it look like a mini-cd.)

Height:
Weight:
Length:
Fur Color:
Eye Color:
     (These things could either be listed here or added to the appearance, though I ask that they be present somewhere as it allows people to kinda picture the size of the dog compared to something else. I see you have fur color, but that’s about it of the things listed.)

Appearance: Sage’s white coat is often covered in dirt, giving it a grey or brown appearance. His long coat is often found on the floor (Found on the floor? He can take his coat off? Do you mean draggin' on the floor when he walks?) of Airyn’s house, and his small paws regularly leave muddy pawprints wherever he walks. Sage has slightly small ears, with the one on the left slightly bent out of shape; however the cause of this is unknown (Your character doesn't have to know this, but I'm slightly intrigued as to why the animal's ear is that way.). He has a reasonably small snout with a wide nose. He has a constant appearance of happiness and content written on his face, though he often curls his lips back into a fierce snarl, revealing rows of sharp canine teeth, at anything he is unsure of. 

Personality/Habits: Sage is heavily afraid of the unknown. He pulls his lips back into a snarl at a slight movement or entrance to the room by a stranger. Airyn figured that his hostility towards the unknown was from his time without or away from his previous owner. The dog is extremely loyal, and very protective. He follows his mistress almost everywhere, and refuses to be alone for any longer than ten minutes.

He is not overly picky of his meals, being fed anything that his owner doesn’t eat, but has taken a liking for the taste of chicken (with out bones I hope?).

Sage is an early riser, and sits, whining, at the foot of Airyn’s bed until he is taken for a walk in the morning. This ritual is performed every day, and his whine turns into an impatient bark when he is ignored.

He is bright-spirited and also cunning; never stopping until some sort of decision is made that involves him and receiving attention. Sage craves three things: affection, outside, and the space next to his mistress on the couch at the end of the day.

History: It was when Airyn was walking to one of the city’s inns; she came across a small dog. It was white with long fur, and no collar around its neck or anything to identify its owner or its name. The dog cocked its head to one side when she slowly bent down to scratch it behind the ear. It let out a soft growl when her hand advanced, but stood still as her skin touched its fur. Airyn gently picked up the small dog, and began to walk back towards the school where her small house stood nearby.

Three or four days had passed, and no one had made any mention of the missing Rimrunner. The elf had grown quite fond of the dog, and was unwilling to let him go. She had already given him a name, and he seemed to be more than happy to respond.

Sage’s history before the day when Airyn found him is somewhat blurred. He has some memories of his previous owner – someone who treated him well and fed him heartily. He remembers being left to run across a field, the wind blowing through his fur and the taste of grass on his tongue, and finally ending in the backstreets of... somewhere... and being approached by someone who smelled a lot like flowers...

(What about since she's had him? Anything happen worth mentionin'? What was the dog's history before he was found by your character?)

Alright, good job so far. There are a few more things I'd like to see added and a couple questions answered, but your on the right track.

Garret
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