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Author Topic: Malach Oronne/Murmillion/Carpenter+Mercenary  (Read 4613 times)
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Malach Oronne
Mercenary of the Red Reed
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« on: March 08, 2009, 10:33:30 AM »

Name: Malach Oronne, son of Arthren

Gender: Male

Age: 27

Race: Human

Tribe: 3/4Murmillion, 1/4 Ordion

Occupation:  Carpenter/Mercenary

Title: Mercenary of the Red Reed

Appearance:

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 1 nailsbreadth

Weight: 2 pygges and 6 hebs

Hair Colour: Light brown

Eye Colour: Grey
   
Physical Appearance   
   
   His skin colour is the standard pale tone as with all of his tribe, however, his hair is a rarer light brown.  Though seemingly overweight, over two and a half pygges, Malach's bulk is less fat than muscle.  Unlike most Murmillion men, he is massively built and often compared to a dwarf, though obviously much taller, almost two fores taller.  Malach's father, Arthren, was said to be half Murmillion, half Ordion, which is said to cause his strange features...  Also, there is a diagonal scar going from his left ear downward about a quarter of a palmspan toward his throat.

He is a bit heavy for his height, which is around the average height of most men.  This has never caused him any problems, however, as most of his weight is in muscle.

His eyes have a weary look to them, often with dark rings showing out of his pale face.  His jaw is big for his face, jutting outward a bit, making him have a slightly unappealing face, though it can not often be seen through his wild beard.  Not to mention, this only increases his brutish look.

  Also, he nearly always keeps his beard loose and he rarely ever shaves it, and his hair sometimes grows up to 2 fore-lengths before he cuts it.  This is because he prefers to keep to himself and when he works he doesn't have to be around anyone who cares about his beard or hair.  His face has a weathered, rough look from the forest work and the mining he did in years past, and simply traveling with his father through various lands.

His thick hair, often greasy and ruffled a bit, hangs down to his shoulders.  When cleaned, his hair is straight, but this is a rare sight.  His bangs he keeps in check with his bandana. 

Clothes
   
Often travelling through the valleys and woods to the various iron pits, his clothes are a bit scruffier than of the average Murmillion, but no different in style:  A red wool undershirt, covered by a black leather vest and dark brown and black jacket.  Also, around his head he wears a black bandana, to keep his hair out of his face while working.

He isn't too fond of jewelry, unless it is silver, the purest color along with black.  On his heavy, black mining belt he wears a silver buckle and that's usually all the jewelry he wears.  However, he does wear a certain heirloom of his father's to special occasions: a rather large ring, made of silver with a dark grey opal in the center. 

Personality

   Though not necessarily a hermit, he does prefer to keep to himself, away from other people, but he is never hostile.  His main reason for staying away from others is because of the way people are intimidated by him and his considerable bulk.  Since the time he was assaulted at his own house, he has made sure he gives no more reasons for anyone to threaten him any more. 

Malach is not good with people, but he possesses a great love of animals of all kinds.  Obviously, his hawk, Livanii, is his favorite, however he likes all manner of creatures, so long as they aren't scaly, crawls on more than 4 legs, or dwarves.

While not being an alcoholic, he often drinks with a passion with good company...  Or without.  He loves drinking but, fortunately for him, knows when it's time to stop.

Without ever having his mother or any motherly figure, he is usually a bit rough of speech and often appears to be short-tempered because, without someone to give softer influences on him, he had his father:  a rough, combat hardened man who was impatient all of his life.  Arthren was never abusive, but was not capable of being soft enough to make any impact on Malach's personality, except to raise him just as he is.

He was trained as a boy how to use basic weapons: especially the axe and the scythar, but cannot ride a horse.  He is not a born rider and is quite uncomfortable on horseback. 

He has a brooding hatred of dwarves, because of how he is ignorant of their ways.  This includes his thoughts that they are greedy, uncaring, disrespectful, and extremely rude because of their horrendous manners while eating. 

Although when given a task he'll accomplish it loyally, he does not always stick with the honorable path.  He rarely declines any jobs for money. 

Lastly, the rare times he makes a friend he will be loyal until death.

Strengths

-Obviously, his size and massive strength- When walking through crowds or around people, any disputes, arguments, or even fighting stops as he nears them.  After years in mining, he developed this appearance further.  This helps him because, though he cannot speak well, coercion is always an option.  Also, a more obvious reason, in hand-to-hand combat, few can hope to match him.

Skilled with the Scythar: Extensive training from his father, a skilled mercenary, has given him great skill with the famous weapon and few can match him with its use.  This has also given him the skill to use an axe, as it is wielded in a similar fashion.

-Livanii- Though not particularly strong or fast, Livanii can still pose a threat to Malach's unwary foes.  This has helped Malach a few times, once at his own home when drunk ruffians attacked him, and again on the ship that sent him to Santharia.

-He used to mine- If nothing else is available, here is how he can make a bit of money.

-Skilled in close combat- Though he has never fought in any formal combat, with no military work or campaign experience, he has been trained for combat because of his heritage.  This will help him fight off any thieves and bandits he encounters, and will allow him to get hired by military or mercenary recruiters.  Through the training by his father and experience he gained as a guard and a mercenary, he is skilled enough to be able to face any soldier.

-Skilled Woodworker- Because his spears nearly always break after a few jobs or skirmishes, he learned to create his own.  After he gained experience by making spears, he expanded and began creating his own bows, arrows, and even javelins.  On a more domestic note, he knows the basics in house construction and is an excellent furniture builder.

Weaknesses:

-Very little skill with people- It is very difficult for him to make friends, and therefore, he is often alone and without assistance in most of his endeavors. As he was quite avoided all of his life, he now avoids others.  This leaves him with few friends.

-Uncharismatic- Unable to influence people in any way, therefore can never be in any position of authority.  Few people ever listen to him and thus he cannot persuade others very well.

-Anger- Easily annoyed, by all manner of stupid people:  Any jokes, rude actions, or discourtesy, and he will quickly take rash actions against them.  This can make him enemies or get him into trouble with towns.

-Fears snakes- Though not truly hindering in normal circumstances, he freezes in terror whenever he sees one.  This will seriously hinder him in combat sitiuations, or simply traveling, if a snake comes to close to him.

-Highly allergic to honey- The most obvious effect of this is the inability to drink significant amounts of mead.  However, diluted as it is in such a mixture as as an alcoholic drink, it would not prove to be deadly if he drank it, but he may begin to cough a bit.  Because many taverns serve lighter foods and pastries with honey to sweeten them, so he must take care when he eats.  If he does accidentally eat any, he has a reaction similar to the effects of the strangling disease: wheezing coughs, a severe strangling sensation, and incredible pain throughout his chest.

-Utter hatred of dwarves- He believes they are greedy, always wanting and searching for more wealth and riches, and that they are uncaring about their families, only their "clans."  Now, while this may not hinder him in any way, it could put him in precarious positions by making many enemies of people sentimental to dwarves, or of dwarves themselves.

-Quite unintelligent- He is often considered ignorant, foolish, and sometimes stupid.  Nobody likes being around him if he seems that he would hardly be able to finish a sentence, so people do not speak with him, and can especially hurt his chances of being hired.


History

   Malach's father, Arthren, was half Murmillion, half Ordion, causing him to look quite strange living in a Murmillion tribe.  This race mixing was caused by the fact that the family has been traveling across many countries, fighting various battles, and meeting many new people.  One interesting meeting was between Arthren's father, Yotanen, and Arthren's mother.  His mother, Ariana, was an Ordion whore who plied her trade outside a tavern where the Red Reed mercenaries met after battles, and this is where Arthren's father and Ariana met, and by a certain sequence of events, she decided to join the ship taking the small band of mercenaries back to western Nybelmar. 

   She gave birth to Arthren, and after this, she abandoned Arthren and Yotanen, and now nobody knows what happened to her, but it is suspected that Yatonen hired an assassin to hunt her down and kill her for what she did.  However, fortunately for Arthren, He did not abandon his son as easily as easily as Ariana.  He retired soon after his son's birth and raised him as best he could, teaching him everything he was able.
   
   Now then, before Arthren's time, and before Yatonen's time, and before even he can remember, Maverick of Thaleseth created the mercenary group, "Mercenaries of the Red Reed," to combat the Santerran armies during the last great war against Aca-Santerra.

   One of Malach's forefathers, Raylan Oronne, assisted Maverick in creating this group, but after the defeat by Asthalon the Black, he was one of the few to make it out of the war, and his family is one of the few remaining humans with the memory of the existence of the mercenary group.  Raylan put away his weapons and armor and took his family into hiding, for fear of any assassins.  However, he never let the legacy of his part in history die; he trained his son as he was trained, to be prepared for war if a time for war yet again rose in his land. 

   However, after Raylan's death, his children took arms again, though this time the Mercenaries of the Red Reed simply fought for the highest bidder, honor forgotten.  This expanded from heroic actions against bandits, thieves, and even a few troll attacks, down to evil acts of murder, pillaging settlements and towns, and assassination.

   However, in more recent times, the need for soldiers and mercenaries lessened around the Burning Mountain.  Therefore, Arthren, Malach's father, became a miner and passed those skills on to his son.  However, his family line never forgot the need for weapons and skills of war, and his father taught him those as well. 

   After his father's death when he was 16, Malach lived alone in his father's mountain home, motherless ever since he was born because his mother died during his birth.

   People were often afraid of him and some despised him because of the way he looked.  More times than he can count, fools tried to pick fights just because of the way he looked or because he was considered uncivilized, though no less civilized than many of them.  He could normally talk his way out of hurting these idiots, but once he killed a well-known swordsman who planned to murder him. 

   That particular man, Joachim Elwann, and two of his brothers had been planning various ways to torment Malach, who was then seventeen years old, and when it finally got serious, and they finally got drunk enough, they each armed themselves with short blades and went to Malach's house to kill him.  When they found him outside his house chopping wood, they began laughing at Malach, and, when he did not respond, Joachim and his brothers moved in, drawing their weapons and mocking him further and calling out threats. 

   However, Malach was not just standing by; he knew they were drunk and he'd probably need to kill one of them or knock 'em around a bit and scare 'em off.  When they attacked, he was ready.  Malach disarmed Joachim's younger brother, and when he swung on the older, he saw him clutching his face, blood flowing between his fingers. Despite the fact that he'd dropped his blade and could no longer fight, apparently because the fool cut himself, the momentum carried by Malach's axe wasn't to be stopped.  The blade edge slammed into the man's chest, extracting a cry from him that was cut short from absence of oxygen. 

   However, unable to remove the axe before Joachim's brother fell, it was wrenched from Malach's hands and he was left open for Joachim's blade.  When Joachim slashed the blade down towards Malach's head he was able to dodge the worst of the blow but was struck just below the ear. 

   A terrible fury that had been building up since they had begun cursing him and calling him names consumed him then.  He ran headfirst into Joachim, knocking the blade from his hands and the wind from his lungs.  He swept up the blade and plunged it into Joachim's heart.  He retrieved his axe from the corpse it had become lodged in and decapitated the remaining, unconscious brother.

   Since then few have attempted to anger Malach.  However, his skill gave him a little bit of fame.  For years after that fight, people started hiring him as a guard for various merchant caravans and gold shipments.  And because of his rough features, he looked the part perfectly. 

   However, while escorting a merchant ship, Santharian pirates captured his vessel and sank the merchant's ship.  Though the merchant was killed, his ship unsalvageable, and despite being vastly outnumbered, the escort captain, Mikael Norchran, refused to surrender.  So did Malach. 

   After more than an hour of combat with Livanii swooping down and causing havoc on the pirate ship, and Malach swinging his bladeaxe through the endless swarms of pirates, Mikael finally fell to the enemy captain, after enduring several sling-shots, countless sword blows, and finally an arrow through his back. 

   The Pirate captain ruthlessly cut his throat with a serrated knife, then threw his corpse overboard.  This utterly demoralized the remaining members of the guard, and they surrendered.  Malach did not throw down his scythar but knelt down in surrender.  Livanii came down to perch on his shoulder, knowing no more fighting would occur but still wary of the pirates.  The pirate captain, impressed with the fighting skill of the men, offered each man a place in his crew.  Most of the men declined.  They were tied up and thrown overboard to the sharks.  Malach accepted the offer and was taken to Varcopas, a port in Santharia...

   However, upon arrival to the city, he ran as fast as his feet could fly away from that port and pirate ship and crew.  A pirate's life is not for him.  However, due to the lack of any mines or need of miners, he makes his skill in woodworking useful to the town and helps build ships and makes repairs on the incoming ships...

Weapons:
   He has a scythar first owned by his grandfather.

Belongings:
   None of any significance, except for his family ring: it is a silver ring with a dark grey opal, with the sign of the Red Reed inscribed in it.

Familiars:
          A dark Stormcrow he befriended, on his 14th birthday, after he found it stuck in his father's mine.  Though appearing to be a normal bird of prey, her loyalty to Malach is remarkable. 
         
   As soon as he saw her, a name came to him, and it remained: Livanii.  When he freed her from the equipment and wired lines that she had caught herself up in, he examined her wounds. Fortunately her wings were not too damaged to fly, with only a few places bleeding.  So, holding her to his chest, he carried her up to the entrance to the shaft.  After talking soothingly and stroking her head and wings, he held her in his hands and thrust her upward.  Flying from his hands she circled twice around him and flew away...  Only to return as Malach bathed in the stream behind his cabin before nightfall. 
   
   She flew down to the stone his clothes were lying on and watched him crawl out of the stream.  He looked up and saw the same scratched, though wonderfully beautiful bird and he laughed, then called out to her.  She flew immediately to his arm and he held her again to his chest, whispering her name while walking back to his home in his shorts, clothes forgotten.  She was content, and now she stays around with him as if he was her mate. She was believed to be relatively young at the time, no more than a year.  So she has grown quite a bit since then, and each year Malach has celebrated her birthday along with his, giving her her favorite meal: A nice, juicy fish. 

   The many times Malach has been caught up in various battles, she will fly out of sight from the enemy, upon his command, unless her friend is in great danger or is injured, at which time she will fly down and relentlessly peck and use her talons to inflict as much pain as possible on Malach's foes.  Fortunately, this has not happened often,  except on the pirate's vessel, and, though he never figured out what caused it, one of Joachim's brothers who tried to kill Malach lost an eye during that fight...  Though he never saw Livanii during the combat...

Livanii's Appearance:

Livanii is 1 fore and 8 nailsbreadths from her head to the end of her tail, and her wingspan is 1 fore.  She has brown eyes.  Both her belly and back both are black, just like the rest of her species.  She cannot enter city markets without Malach tying her leg and holding the string back, because she will not hesitate to eat all the food she sees.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2009, 09:10:46 PM by Azhira Elrosse » Logged

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Eléyr Fásamár
Serenity's Embodiment
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2009, 02:43:35 PM »

Here's a few tips, Malach. Welcome to Santharia. :)

1) The title of this thread should be Name/Tribe/Occupation

2) In the CD Etiquete Guide (there's a link to it in my signature, and it is a sticky topic in this board, labeled "Must Read") it states that one should not use all capital letters, not even for section titles.

3) Strengths and Weaknesses are compared to the average peasant. Most peasants don't have magical skills, so this isn't a weakness. Same with lack of knowledge of the outside world and lack of stealth. Regular people don't have these either, so it's not a weakness. Also, you need to elaborate on how each one helps/hinders him, in order for us to more accurately determine balance.

4) Your character currently lives in Nybelmar (excellent tribe selection by the way Thumb up) but all RPing takes place in Santharia. They are entirely seperate continents, so in your history you will need to describe how he made his way from Nybelmar to Santharia. ;)

5) Username and character name should be the same, in order to prevent confusion. This can be changed in your profile underneath "Account Related Settings"

That's all for now. I will put up the pencil icon while you make the changes, you may return it to the exclamation mark when you are ready for more comments. Good luck :)

~Eleyr
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Malach Oronne
Mercenary of the Red Reed
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« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2009, 03:23:32 AM »

Ok, on your numbered list:
1: Corrected subject title, so: Check
2: Found and read, corrected:  check
3: Corrected weaknesses, explained strengths + weakness in orange: check
4: Explained process of travel to Santharia in blue: check
5: Got rid of potential confusion by changing account name: check
And i read the cd etiquette... thank you LOL
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What's the point of living without a cause worth dying for?
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fionn
Prosaic Waif
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Mullog


« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2009, 04:48:46 AM »

nice CD Malach - well written, neatly formatted and your grammar appears to surpass any of the limits i could aspire to. i've only one question, and it's just a suggestion, not a demand - does your hawk have a name? how tame is it? and what kind of a creature is it? even animals have personalities, and that goes doubly for fantasy sites like this one. grin
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Malach Oronne
Mercenary of the Red Reed
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« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2009, 05:02:17 AM »

Ah!  And that is such a simple thing to add too! fish  Thank you. I'll just add it now...  And... Done!  Of course, I added it in green in the post.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2009, 10:33:15 AM by Malach Oronne » Logged

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Isoto
The Widow
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Elf, Coór'hém


« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2009, 03:35:11 AM »

Hello Malach, and Welcome to Santharia  :)

I have only a couple of comments

1) With your height, we dont like to use decimals, we like whole numbers (math scares us  buck) This is what 1.8 peds = 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 1 Nailsbreadth

2)The big thing I noticed was your Strengths and weaknesses. You Strengths seem to out weigh your weaknesses very much so. Typically the rule is one weakness per strength. And for the big strengts (massive strength, master swords man, abnormally fast, et cetera, two average weaknesses typically balance them out)

Also, you will need to add your hawk to your strength. Since not everyone has a familiar its considered a strength to have one.


Ok, I will leave you with that. I will also give your CD a quick grammar check once I get home from work. Every thing looks good so far, keep up the good work  Thumb up
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« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2009, 05:34:32 AM »

Malach Oronne, son of Arthren

Gender: Male

Age: 27 years old

Race: Human

Tribe: Murmillion

Occupation:  Mines Iron, but also serves as a guard and mercenary for various people.  Also, since arriving in Varcopas, he helps build ships for the local sailors and makes repairs on the ships.

Title: Mercenary of the Red Reed

Appearance:

Height: 1.8 peds

Weight: Around 2 and a half pygge's

Hair colour: Light brown

Eye colour: Wolf grey
   
                His skin colour is the standard pale tone as with all of his tribe, however, his hair is a rarer light brown.  Though seemingly overweight, Malach's bulk is less fat than muscle.  Unlike most Murmillion men, he is massively built and often compared to a dwarf, though much taller.  Malach's father, Arthren, was said to be half Murmillion, half Ordion...  Also, there is diagonal scar going from his left ear downward about a quarter of a palmspan toward his throat.
   Often travelling through the valleys and woods to the various iron pits, his clothes are a bit more scruffy than the average murmillion, but no different in style:  A red wool undershirt, covered by a black leather vest and dark brown and black jacket.  He nearly always keeps his beard loose and he rarely ever shaves it, and his hair sometimes grows up to 2 fore-lengths before he cuts it.  This is because he prefers to keep to himself and when he works he doesn't have to be around anyone who cares about his beard or hair.  He isn't too fond of jewelry, unless it is silver, the purest color along with black.  On his heavy, black mining belt he wears a silver buckle and that's usually all the jewelry he wears.  However, he does wear a certain heirloom of his father's to special occasions: a rather large ring, made of silver with a dark grey opal in the center. 

Personality
   Though not necessarily a hermit, he does prefer to keep to himself, away from other people, but he is never hostile.  His main reason for staying away from others is because of the way people are intimidated by him and his considerable bulk.  Since the time he was assaulted at his own house, he has made sure he gives no more reasons for anyone to threaten him any more.  Also, he was trained as a boy how to use basic weapons: the axe, spear, and the sword and others.  Although when given a task, he'll accomplish it loyally, he does not always stick with the honorable path.  He rarely declines any any jobs for money.  Lastly, The the rare times he makes friend, he will be loyal until death.

Strengths
-Obviously, his size and massive strength- When walking through crowds or around people, any disputes, arguments, or even fighting stops as he nears them.  After years in mining, he developed this appearance further.  This helps him because, though he cannot speak well, coercion is always an option.  Also, a more obvious reason, in hand-to-hand combat, few can hope to match him.
-His training with many basic weapons: the axe, spear, pike, sword, bow, and even the scythar- Though he has never fought in any formal combat, no military work or campaign experience, he has been trained for combat because of his heritage.  This will help him fight off any thieves and bandits he encounters, and will allow him to get hired by any military or mercenary recruiters.
-Skilled in close-quarters combat- Through the training by his father and experience he gained as a guard and a mercenary, he is skilled enough to be able to face any soldier.
-Skilled Woodworker- Because his spears nearly always break after a few jobs, he learned to create his own.  After he gained experience by making spears, he expanded and began creating his own bows, arrows, and even javelins.  On a more domestic note, he knows the basics in house construction and is an excellent furniture builder.
-Knowledge of mountainous and forested lands- In the various mountains, valleys, and woods he has traveled through, he has gained knowledge on how best to travel through these areas, so he can easily find shortcuts through those areas.
Weaknesses:
-Very little skill with people- It is very difficult for him to make friends, and therefore, he is often alone and without assistance in most of his endeavors.   
-Uncharismatic- Unable to influence people in any way, therefore can never be in any position of authority.

History
   Before his time, and before his father's time, and before even he can remember, Maverick of Thaleseth created the the mercenary group, "Mercenaries of
Malach Oronne, son of Arthren

Gender: Male

Age: 27 years old

Race: Human

Tribe: Murmillion

Occupation:  Mines Iron, but also serves as a guard and mercenary for various people.  Also, since arriving in Varcopas, he helps build ships for the local sailors and makes repairs on the ships.

Title: Mercenary of the Red Reed

Appearance:

Height: 1.8 peds

Weight: Around 2 and a half pygge's

Hair colour: Light brown

Eye colour: Wolf grey
   
                His skin colour is the standard pale tone as with all of his tribe, however, his hair is a rarer light brown.  Though seemingly overweight, Malach's bulk is less fat than muscle.  Unlike most Murmillion men, he is massively built and often compared to a dwarf, though much taller.  Malach's father, Arthren, was said to be half Murmillion, half Ordion...  Also, there is diagonal scar going from his left ear downward about a quarter of a palmspan toward his throat.
   Often travelling through the valleys and woods to the various iron pits, his clothes are a bit more scruffy than the average murmillion, but no different in style:  A red wool undershirt, covered by a black leather vest and dark brown and black jacket.  He nearly always keeps his beard loose and he rarely ever shaves it, and his hair sometimes grows up to 2 fore-lengths before he cuts it.  This is because he prefers to keep to himself and when he works he doesn't have to be around anyone who cares about his beard or hair.  He isn't too fond of jewelry, unless it is silver, the purest color along with black.  On his heavy, black mining belt he wears a silver buckle and that's usually all the jewelry he wears.  However, he does wear a certain heirloom of his father's to special occasions: a rather large ring, made of silver with a dark grey opal in the center. 

Personality
   Though not necessarily a hermit, he does prefer to keep to himself, away from other people, but he is never hostile.  His main reason for staying away from others is because of the way people are intimidated by him and his considerable bulk.  Since the time he was assaulted at his own house, he has made sure he gives no more reasons for anyone to threaten him any more.  Also, he was trained as a boy how to use basic weapons: the axe, spear, and the sword and others.  Although when given a task, he'll accomplish it loyally, he does not always stick with the honorable path.  He rarely declines any any jobs for money.  Lastly, The the rare times he makes friend, he will be loyal until death.

Strengths
-Obviously, his size and massive strength- When walking through crowds or around people, any disputes, arguments, or even fighting stops as he nears them.  After years in mining, he developed this appearance further.  This helps him because, though he cannot speak well, coercion is always an option.  Also, a more obvious reason, in hand-to-hand combat, few can hope to match him.
-His training with many basic weapons: the axe, spear, pike, sword, bow, and even the scythar- Though he has never fought in any formal combat, no military work or campaign experience, he has been trained for combat because of his heritage.  This will help him fight off any thieves and bandits he encounters, and will allow him to get hired by any military or mercenary recruiters.
-Skilled in close-quarters combat- Through the training by his father and experience he gained as a guard and a mercenary, he is skilled enough to be able to face any soldier.
-Skilled Woodworker- Because his spears nearly always break after a few jobs, he learned to create his own.  After he gained experience by making spears, he expanded and began creating his own bows, arrows, and even javelins.  On a more domestic note, he knows the basics in house construction and is an excellent furniture builder.
-Knowledge of mountainous and forested lands- In the various mountains, valleys, and woods he has traveled through, he has gained knowledge on how best to travel through these areas, so he can easily find shortcuts through those areas.
Weaknesses:
-Very little skill with people- It is very difficult for him to make friends, and therefore, he is often alone and without assistance in most of his endeavors.   
-Uncharismatic- Unable to influence people in any way, therefore can never be in any position of authority.

History
   Before his time, and before his father's time, and before even he can remember, Maverick of Thaleseth created the the mercenary group, "Mercenaries of
the Red Reed", to combat the Santerran armies during the last great war against Aca-Santerra.  One of Malach's forefathers, Raylan Oronne, assisted Maverick in creating this group, but after the defeat by Asthalon the Black, he was one of the few to make it out of the war, and his family is one of the few remaining humans with the memory of the existence of the mercenary group. (What happened after the defeat by Asthalon? This clause is left hanging; you jump into another thought with out closing of this one.  I would suggest using, “after having been defeated by Asthalon the Black he found that he was one of the few to make it…”) However, in more recent times, the need for soldiers and mercenaries around the Burning Mountain. (This is a fragment, the need for soldiers what? Did it increase, please elaborate more.) Therefore, Arthren, Malach's father, became a miner and passed those skills on to his son.  However, his family line never forgot the need for weapons and skills of war.  After his father's death when he was 16 (this is me just being picky but 16 needs to be spelled out…sorry I’m a MLA freak :P), Malach lived alone in his father's mountain home, motherless ever since he was born because his mother died during his birth. However, people were often afraid of him and some despised him because of the way he looked.  More times than he can count, fools tried to pick fights just because of the way he looked.  He could normally talk his way out of hurting these idiots, but once he killed a well-known swordsman who planned to murder him.  That particular man, Joachim Elwann, and two of his brothers had been planning various ways to torment Malach, who was then 17 years old, and when it finally got serious, they each armed themselves with short blades and went to Malach's house to kill him.  When they found him outside his house chopping wood and attacked, (What happened when they found him chopping wood? You said when they found him, what happened when they found him, did he attack, did they attack? You just need a little more clarity) Malach disarmed Joachim's brothers with the axe, (the clause after the but is dependant, therefore you do not need your comma)  but lost it after disarming the younger brother, and was left open for Joachim's blade.  When Joachim slashed the blade down towards Malach's head, he was able to dodge the worst of the blow , but was struck just below the ear.  A terrible fury then consumed him.  He ran head-first into Joachim, knocking the blade from his hands and the wind from his lungs.  He swept up the blade and plunged it into Joachim's heart.  He retrieved his fallen axe and decapitated the two unconscious brothers.  Since then, few have attempted to anger Malach.  However, his skill gave him a little bit of fame.  For years Aafter that fight, people started hiring him as a guard for various merchant caravans and gold shipments.  And because of his rough features, he looked the part perfectly. However, while escorting a merchant ship, Santharian pirates captured his vessel and sank the merchant's ship.  Though the merchant was killed, his ship unsalvageable, and despite being vastly outnumbered, the escort captain, Mikael Norchran, refused to surrender.  So did Malach.  After more than an hour of combat, with Livanii swooping down and causing havoc on the pirate ship, and Malach swinging his bladeaxe through the endless swarms of pirates, Mikael finally fell to the enemy captain, after enduring several sling-shots, countless sword blows, and finally an arrow through his back.  The Pirate captain ruthlessly cut his throat with a serrated blade, then threw his corpse overboard.  This utterly demoralized the remaining members of the guard, and they surrendered.  Malach did not throw down his scythar, but knelt down in surrender,. Livanii coming to perch on his shoulder, knowing no more fighting would occur, but still wary of the pirates.  The pirate captain, impressed with the fighting skill of the men, offered each man a place in his crew.  Most of the men declined.  They were tied up and thrown overboard to the sharks.  Malach accepted the offer and was taken to Varcopas, a port in Santharia.  However, upon arrival to the city, he ran as fast as his feet could fly away from that port and pirate ship and crew.  A pirate's life is not for him.  However, due to the lack of any mines or need of miners, he makes his skill in woodworking useful to the town and helps build ships and makes repairs on the incoming ships...
Weapons:
   He owns a standard 3 ped spear, .75 ped sword, and a scythar first owned by his grandfather.

Belongings:
   None of any significance, except for his family ring: it is a silver ring with a dark grey opal, with the sign of the Red Reed inscribed in it.

Familiars:
          A dark hawk he befriended, on his 12th birthday, after he found it stuck in his father's mine.  Though appearing to be a normal bird of prey, her loyalty to Malach is remarkable. 
          As soon as he saw her, a name came to him, and it remained: Livanii.  When he freed her from the equipment and wired lines that she had caught herself up in, he examined her wounds. Fortunately her wings were not too damaged to fly, with only a few places bleeding.  So, holding her to his chest, he carried her up to the entrance to the shaft.  After talking soothingly and stroking her head and wings, he held her in his hands and thrust her upward.  Flying from his hands, she circled twice around him and flew away...  Only to return as Malach bathed in the stream behind his cabin before nightfall.  She flew down to the stone his clothes were lying on and watched him crawl out of the stream.  He looked up and saw the same scratched, though wonderfully beautiful bird and he laughed, then called out to her.  She flew immediately to his arm and he held her again to his chest, whispering her name while walking back to his home in his shorts, clothes forgotten.  She was content, and now she stays around with him as if he was her mate. She was believed to be relatively young at the time, no more than a year.  So she has grown quite a bit since then, and each year Malach has celebrated her birthday along with his, giving her her favorite meal: A nice, juicy fish.  The many times Malach has been caught up in various battles, she will fly out of sight from the enemy, unless her "mate" is in danger, at which time she will fly down and relentlessly peck and use her talons to inflict as much pain as possible on Malach's foes.  Fortunately, this has not happened often,  except on the pirate's vessel, and, though he never figured out what caused it, one of Joachim's brothers who tried to kill Malach lost an eye during that fight...  Though he never saw Livanii during the combat... 

Weapons:
   He owns a standard 3 ped spear, .75 ped sword, and a scythar first owned by his grandfather.

Belongings:
   None of any significance, except for his family ring: it is a silver ring with a dark grey opal, with the sign of the Red Reed inscribed in it.

Familiars:
          A dark hawk he befriended, on his 12th birthday, after he found it stuck in his father's mine.  Though appearing to be a normal bird of prey, her loyalty to Malach is remarkable. 
          As soon as he saw her, a name came to him, and it remained: Livanii.  When he freed her from the equipment and wired lines that she had caught herself up in, he examined her wounds. Fortunately her wings were not too damaged to fly, with only a few places bleeding.  So, holding her to his chest, he carried her up to the entrance to the shaft.  After talking soothingly and stroking her head and wings, he held her in his hands and thrust her upward.  Flying from his handsMalach Oronne, son of Arthren

Occupation:  Mines Iron, but also serves as a guard and mercenary for various people.  Also, since arriving in Varcopas, he helps build ships for the local sailors and makes repairs on the ships.
, she circled twice around him and flew away...  Only to return as Malach bathed in the stream behind his cabin before nightfall.  She flew down to the stone his clothes were lying on and watched him crawl out of the stream.  He looked up and saw the same scratched, though wonderfully beautiful bird and he laughed, then called out to her.  She flew immediately to his arm and he held her again to his chest, whispering her name while walking back to his home in his shorts, clothes forgotten.  She was content, and now she stays around with him as if he was her mate. She was believed to be relatively young at the time, no more than a year.  So she has grown quite a bit since then, and each year Malach has celebrated her birthday along with his, giving her her favorite meal: A nice, juicy fish.  The many times Malach has been caught up in various battles, she will fly out of sight from the enemy, unless her "mate" is in danger, at which time she will fly down and relentlessly peck and use her talons to inflict as much pain as possible on Malach's foes.  Fortunately, this has not happened often,  except on the pirate's vessel, and, though he never figured out what caused it, one of Joachim's brothers who tried to kill Malach lost an eye during that fight...  Though he never saw Livanii during the combat... 


Ok, that's my first glance through...for the most part it is just me being comma picky  :) But the rest looks awesome, keep up the good work  Thumb up
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« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2009, 06:58:06 AM »

Alright, I cleared things up that you advised of me Isoto, in yellow and pretty much revamped a bit of the personality, and the section that describes the assault by Joachim on Malach, so you may want to check up on my comma's, grammar, and spelling again there...  And before anyone comments on the dwarves section, I know that isn't how it actually is in their culture (yes I read a couple sections on dwarves) but that is Malach's view, because he is quite ignorant and has never had any schooling except his father's, especially about other races.

Comments welcome.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2009, 12:12:00 PM by Malach Oronne » Logged

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« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2009, 02:30:24 PM »

Hey, Malach. I was working on a full Uri, but being a bit slow at it, people beat me to some points.

But, I still do have a few which haven't been addressed.

1) Please do a spell check. There are several misspellings and missed capitals within the CD.

2) What color is "Wolf Grey" exactly? As I recall, wolves have various shades of grey so this is a bit vague.

3)
Quote
Malach's father, Arthren, was said to be half Murmillion, half Ordion...
doesn't belong in your appearance, but in your history section.

4) Please put spaces between your paragraphs, and break up your history section into paragraphs. We are against blocks of text here, especially since a lot of us wear glasses or are at the computer a good portion of our day. Makes it easier on us and our eyes if you format it in this manner.

5)
Quote
-Very, very little schooling- Despite his father's many attempts to get tutors for Malach, Arthren just could not aquire enough money.  Therefore, his only option was to teach him himself.  Although it is a bonus to his combat because his father was skilled with many weapons, but Malach could not be tought anything about the world.
-Not as smart as the average Santharian- Because he had no schooling in anything except war, carpentry, and mining, he is often considered ignorant, foolish, and sometimes stupid.  Therefore, around people he will not be listened to by many people.
Your average Santharian is a peasant, thus has no schooling or extremely minimal. So, I can't really count those last two as weaknesses, as they don't really do anything but state a fact about most of the world.

And that is all for now. More to come.
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« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2009, 06:50:40 AM »

Picky, aren't you, ye little bugger?  angry
Nah, Just joking with ya.  Obviously, because it is describing his characteristics and appearance, the background with his father being half Murmillion, half Ordion stays in the appearance.  However, if you truly wish for it to go to the history as well, although it really has little to with him because it's about his dad,  other than Malach's appearance, I'll gladly put it at the very top of the list in history  :)
And thanks for the spelling tip...  I found 3 mistakes that way, and I'm looking for the caps errors now, and I'll just switch over from wolf grey to just plain ol' grey.  I've simplified the weaknesses you checked and decided that people are just going to consider him stupid, even the average peasant.  Last but not least, I seriously thank you for helping me out with the ugly giant paragraph...  It hurt my eyes half way across the room from the computer  grin
Thanks again for your help Kalína Mërénwèn(and now here's a dead serious question, as i simply copied and pasted your name: How do you get the different letters, with the accents and all?).
« Last Edit: March 11, 2009, 07:47:02 AM by Malach Oronne » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2009, 07:16:46 AM »

We shall just say, I have a plaque for a reason.  ;)
« Last Edit: March 11, 2009, 07:21:24 AM by Kalína Mërénwèn » Logged

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« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2009, 07:47:52 AM »

Any and all comments yet again welcome and thanks to those who have helped me along thus far. :)
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« Reply #12 on: March 11, 2009, 01:28:09 PM »

Alright, planned to get through his but I got distracted by food and almost time for me to head to sleep. I got down through the appearance section, so I'll post that now for you to take care of and come back to the rest later. Also, choosin' softer colors to code your CD with would be appriciated as I find it difficult to read some of those colors.

One thing you will notice is the set structure to the CD when I post what I have gone through below. I am a bit formatin' person and I tend to set it up as a suggestion of how to clean it up and make it look neater when someone is trying to get through it.

I also request that you do somethin' to make your headers stand out, cause its difficult to find sections right now. Italics works, but its less noticible than what I'm lookin' for. I find underlining and bold to work the best. Anyways, I'll post the bit I got through below. Sorry for any spellin' errors in the stuff, fallin' asleep as I'm typin' this top bit.

Note: Gonna change the icon back to the pencil for ya. When ya done with that just put it back up that your ready for more comments. I'll try to get around to the rest tomorrow, depends on if school stuff comes up or somthing.

Name: Malach Oronne, son of Arthren

Gender: Male

Age: 27 years old (If ya want it, go ahead, if your not too attached the 'years old' can be dropped as its unessicary. As you'll see I'm a format person and not a fan of unessicary information. This just doesn't need to be there cause unless your character is a rodent, I don't think most generally think your talkin' months, days, decades, etc. :))

Race: Human

Tribe: Murmillion

Occupation: Mines Iron, but also serves as a guard and mercenary for various people.  Also, since arriving in Varcopas, he helps build ships for the local sailors and makes repairs on the ships. (Alright, your occupation is how your character currently makes money. How's he gonna be much help in a story if he spends all his time in the mines? Building ships also takes time I'd think, while repairs work. Also, if your goin' to write it out in sentences rather than somethin' like "Mercenary / Ship Repairman", actually write it out in full sentences as 'Mines iron' didn't make sense to me at first.)

Title: Mercenary of the Red Reed

Appearance:
     Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 1 Nailsbreadth

     Weight: Around 2 and a half pygge's (pygges)
          (Alright for weight, I'd like to see the expanded version. I generally ask that this more, compact version be put in the appearance section, and that the writer give us a more expanded version of their height and weight so that someone that is lookin' to check their basic information against their down character to use a descriptive word such as 'tall' he'd need to know if the man was taller than him. It doesn't make since to say 'the tall man' and be taller than him. Yes, I know this is weight, but the same idea applies here as well.)

     Hair Colour: Light brown

     Eye Colour: Grey

     Physical Apperance: His skin colour is the standard pale tone as with all of his tribe, however, his hair is a rarer light brown.  Though seemingly overweight, Malach's bulk is less fat than muscle.  Unlike most Murmillion men, he is massively built and often compared to a dwarf, though much taller.  Malach's father, Arthren, was said to be half Murmillion, half Ordion (You might want to mention this up with your tribe as if it effects your character's appearance this drastically its worth some note. Though this bit should go in your character's history.), which is said to cause his strange appearance...  Also, there is a diagonal scar going from his left ear downward about a quarter of a palmspan toward his throat.

(What else can you tell us about your character would be helpful. Little details and such are good things. Some people wrote whole four to five sentence paragraphs about the length, condition, color and style of their character's hair. I'm not sayin' that is a must for approval, but givin' us enough detail to be able to visualize your character is requested.)

     Clothes: Often travelling through the valleys and woods to the various iron pits, his clothes are a bit more scruffy than the average murmillion (Murmillion), but no different in style:  A red wool undershirt, covered by a black leather vest and dark brown and black jacket.  --He nearly always keeps his beard loose and he rarely ever shaves it, and his hair sometimes grows up to 2 fore-lengths before he cuts it.  This is because he prefers to keep to himself and when he works he doesn't have to be around anyone who cares about his beard or hair. -- (The whole section within' the "--"s needs to be bumped up to the appearance section. While you didn't have these labeled, the rest of this paragraph talks 'bout his clothes so it doesn't make since to have that here. You can put both your appearance and clothing in one section, but mark that it is both.)  He isn't too fond of jewelry, unless it is silver, the purest color along with black.  On his heavy, black mining belt he wears a silver buckle and that's usually all the jewelry he wears.  However, he does wear a certain heirloom of his father's to special occasions: a rather large ring, made of silver with a dark grey opal in the center.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2009, 01:29:10 PM by Garret Arroway » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2009, 05:24:49 AM »

Well, an annoying thing about that clothes section you want me to create is that clothes are part of the appearance...  So I shall rename the section to Appearance and Clothes, eliminating the need to rearrange too much there, but I'll move it to the top of the list  .  Also, Malach will remain with one job being a miner, even if I don't use it, and because of the fact that he landed where he landed, it was appropriate to add ship building and repair.  I'll not waste time in any mines, but because that's part of who and what he is, especially his appearance, it's staying with him.  However, I'll remove it from that list and just put it in the history.  I hope that is acceptable.  Lastly, the smaller characteristics and personality traits can only be developed over time by how I build him, and by playing him. 

Comments yet again welcome, one and all!
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« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2009, 05:40:31 AM »

Your character can change over time, you anythin' at this point in your character's life needs to be mentioned. Personality especially cause it provides a guideline to how your character will react in certain situations.

As for the comments, take the time to read through them. If I'mma take my time to comment I'd appreciate if you read them, think about them, attempt to apply them. If your not goin' to, go ahead and let me know now and I won't waste any more of my time.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2009, 05:46:31 AM by Garret Arroway » Logged

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