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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Eirika
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« on: May 30, 2009, 10:21:24 AM »

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« Last Edit: September 30, 2009, 06:49:49 AM by Shen Caz'na » Logged
Eléyr Fásamár
Serenity's Embodiment
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Posts: 2109


Elf ~ Kaýrrhem


« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2009, 02:05:22 PM »

I'm loving this CD, Shen. Just a few teensy things I'll point out! :)

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Only in the beginning of a sever<--severe gambling addiction, Shen uses this as a cushion to associate with others.

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If not plutonic<-platonic?, she would be more inclined towards a romantic interlude with a woman than a man
And if that's the correct word, I think you would be better saying. "At least on a platonic level", or something to that effect. As you seem to be describing her liking their personality etc. better than a man's, not necessarily their sexual attraction.

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By the age of eight(comma) Shen was already becoming adept in the ways of survival on the tundra and the constant religious tutelage of her mother.

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But I'm only being picky, hoping to help this along. And I'd also like to mention that you seem to have an uncanny knack for selecting beautiful character portraits!

~Eleyr(:
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Eléyr's CD ~¤•¤~ Character Creation ~¤•¤~ Restrictions ~¤•¤~ CD Etiquette
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2009, 06:34:02 PM »

Hi Shen,

I also am loving this CD. I particularly love the prose and structure of your sentences throughout your character description.

Just a couple of small things from me as well.

Height and Weight ... you don't need the terran measurements there, so please remove them.

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Unmitigated slender digits extend from the Darkpriestess’s delicate hands; their movements are charming and highlighted with poise. Refined over a lifetime of bending the shadows to her will, their activities reminiscent of a tree’s silhouette in a twilight zephyr.

I'm just wondering whether you need an 'are' after activities in that second sentence.

ie 'their activities are reminiscent ...'

In any case, thank you for the delightful read ... I'll get Kali to check over the shadowmancy section for you.

Regards

Dek :)
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Eirika
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« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2009, 08:22:09 PM »

Thank you for the comments and especially the compliments gentlemen! All alterations were made to your suggestions outside of these.

Left or only partial alterations.
1) I left the 'platonic' sentence structure as is, due to the fact that it seems to express my original idea better. She prefers the company of her own gender under both types of relations.
2) The terran measurements are tools/aids for my own personal use when posting. If their removal is a necessity for approval I'll do so, yet having them readily available for myself is helpful. If you still wish them gone Dek, let me know and they shall be removed.

Once again, Thank you for the comments!
~Sincerely~ Shen

~Bites nails nervously and awaits Kalina.~
« Last Edit: July 27, 2009, 08:33:44 PM by Shen Caz'na » Logged
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2009, 08:44:14 PM »

The feet and inches don't bother me at all, Shen, especially if their an aid to you when posting. I'm personally happy for them to be left in the CD.

- Dek
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2009, 03:12:46 AM »

Other than some run-ons sentences and some questionable comma placements (I think you can pick them out)

~First Approval~
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Thodin Coldflame Lomin
The Cutpurse Gentleman
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Posts: 488


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2009, 03:22:00 AM »

Good afternoon Shen, I've decided to take the liberty of doing a small bit of correction where I feel necessary, though of course your CD is exceptionally well written. I must add that the Dream uses the European spelling of various words, hence armor will be spelled armour as an example. Corrections will be in maroon with suggestions in light blue ;)

~:~Shadowmancy~:~
She has found some exceptional uses for her own shadow, as it is an invariable companion. Most markedly, Shen can blanket herself in its depths, wrapping it about her physical form. This gives the priestess ample cover under the veil of night, permitting her to move amongst the shadows with minute chances of being noticed. This is not an easy prayer for her to weave and it takes time for the suit to take a corporeal existence. Once fully coalesced, this shroud of darkness takes on the consistency of substantially desiccated mud. Although moderately protective, it is a far cry from proper armour for defensive purposes. A fall from a reasonable distance might still break bones, but would leave her flesh without abrasions from the contact.

~:~History~:~

 Upon the wishes of her mother Shen was brought to the city of Carabrand and entered into the coven of Korenjah, starting her teachings in the worship of the Lord of Shadows. Her family left her at the age of ten to be taught by the clergy. Rarely were her interactions with them after these times, the assassin’s life spent in prayer and other covert education to better serve the shadows. Throughout her early teenage years she was taught to use the darkness as her friend for concealment and stealth. Shen became a Mistress of the Night during these times, becoming a feared opponent amongst the Dorolak orcs by her earliest teens.For some reason the next sentence here feels awkward, and it feels sort of dropped in. I'd suggest tying it in with the sentence before this one or the one after. Manifesting many of the blessings of Korenjah that the priestess exhibits to this day. Fine tuning them to a masterful level, which quickly brought the assassin to a prominent level amongst her brethren.

Admittedly very small, as can only be expected, but I felt it prudent to point these out. Hope it helps and I wish you a speedy acceptance :) Thumb up
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"Of course I steal things. Wait. What do you mean you don't get it? Of course I'm a thief, but that's not going to stop me from being a nice guy now is it? Yes I took your wallet but so what? If it's not me it might as well be someone else right?"

- Thodin Lomin
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2009, 03:27:18 AM »

The English spelling only strictly applies to the Development side, not to the RP. (FYI)
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Thodin Coldflame Lomin
The Cutpurse Gentleman
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2009, 03:54:02 AM »

Then I've been wrongly accused three or four times for doing that. Any way moving on, not all of my comments were about spelling so those that aren't about that should be alright to correct/fix I believe. :D
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"Of course I steal things. Wait. What do you mean you don't get it? Of course I'm a thief, but that's not going to stop me from being a nice guy now is it? Yes I took your wallet but so what? If it's not me it might as well be someone else right?"

- Thodin Lomin
Twigga Knosst
Simple Little Cook
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Mullog


« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2009, 04:39:05 AM »

As you said, Shen, some fragmented sentences in your CD were purposefully, artistically placed, but there are a few more that I'm not sure were intended or not, and they of course will be left for your decision, but I just thought I'd point a few out- :)

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The entire motif accentuated by the assassin’s cheeky grin, that is readily displayed towards most anyone she meets.


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Refined over a lifetime of bending the shadows to her will, their activities being reminiscent of a tree’s silhouette in a twilight zephyr.

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With a large, singular, golden ring being set into the base of the front v-pattern of the taut garment.

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Not only in the carrying out of contracts but in their survival against predators and the Orcs of Dorolak.

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Gifted by Korenjah to be above the realm of mortal entities.

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Experiencing undue anxiety even when a horse is known to be placid and well trained.

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Leading the priestess towards avenues of addiction, not to mention luring her towards the less than savory areas of most cities.

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Foremost of them being capable of making tangible hand-holds over most any plane, allowing the assassin to climb every surface with relative ease.

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Steadfastly bringing her mother to the belief her child had been blessed with the gifts of Korenjah.

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Her ears a central hub for a large network of information gathered amongst the Kar’ii for these areas and slightly beyond.

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Finding accompaniment amongst the rabble of the cities with drink and gambling.



Just me being my pedantic self, may I also offer a few timid, nitpicky suggestions?

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A vest made of soft leather, <---no comma is designed in a black and rose striped motif that covers the assassin from just above pale bosom to her supple waist.

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Although her gambling exploits span a wide range of games, these are sure fire ways of drawing her in. Still most any wager is not beyond the realms of her partaking an interest in.
I don't think that the 'still' is necessary, as the way I interprete it, it opposes the point you were making?

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The Kar’ii’s constant training in the art of Shaitarai has toned every muscle of her lithe form into a revelation of physical health. Although it appears that warmer climates are not so easy for her to maintain a rigorous pace and the hotter the atmosphere the more this facet of her composition seems to deteriorate.
The last sentence is a bit choppy because of the 'although'; may I suggest that you choose a different transition word or combine the two sentences? 

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Every day amid the Kar’ii she acted as a teacher to the novice and a pupil to the truly accomplished.

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Being quite frequently stranded in desolate places with her fellow clergy, predominantly female. <---coma, not period Shen has and still does prefer the company of her own gender.

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Akin to all Shadowmancers <---comma? the Kar’ii has no need to utter prayers to her benefactor for the manifestations to present themselves.

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It should be clearly noted that her hands must be free for the priestess to weave the most intricate of her prayers. Although she is quite capable of moving shadows about insubstantially without the use of her digits and could easily shroud herself in obscurity if bound.
Same deal here as with the other pair of sentences, I think. :)

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Still <---comma the Kar’ii has some unique prayers tailoring to this distinctive aspect of her gifts.

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There are downfalls to this particular use of Shadowmancy as well, as these properties of the wall are equally expressed on either side.


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Able to manipulate most any shadow into a rod of darkness is Shen's preferred weapon.
Your point is clear, but the sentence is just a little skewed. If you tweak it just a little bit it'll be perfect.

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Born on 7th day of Questar, 1640 A.S. <---comma Shen was the only child of Quek Caz’na, father, a Greendeath and Gravelyn, a low ranking priestess of Queprur.

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Much of the young lass's free time, what little there was, spent in prayer with her mother and a physical regime with her father.

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Rare were her interactions with them after these times, the assassin’s life spent in prayer and other covert education to better serve the shadows.


As usual, masterful writing and exquisite CD; like all your others, a joy to read. heart

Twigga
« Last Edit: July 28, 2009, 04:42:28 AM by Twigga Knosst » Logged

Eirika
Guest
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2009, 05:23:42 AM »

Thank you for the 'frag'mentation grenade Twigga! :)

Alot of your issues have been addressed, especially your suggestions. Thanks for helping me clean this up. heart
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2009, 06:20:16 AM »

As Kalina was happy with the magic section, and the issues raised by Twigga were looked after, I am happy to give you a 2nd approval.

Congratulations
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2009, 09:03:04 AM »

One more thing, dear.

Read through your magic section real quick for me and decapitalise all the 'peds' and 'ods' which you have in there. After that, I will title and archive. :)
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Eirika
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« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2009, 09:26:46 AM »

Dun Roll Eyes
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2009, 09:29:28 AM »

Titled and Archived
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
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