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Author Topic: Scriabin/Rhulran Men-Erpheronian Men/Musician-Composer  (Read 15209 times)
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #15 on: June 10, 2009, 01:16:33 AM »

Alrighty then! On to the next batch of critical comments. Bump...
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2009, 05:02:45 PM »

Hi Alexandre, oh sorry, I meant Scriabin, of course :D,

I'm here to give your CD a once over. I hope what i say is of help to you.

I'll make my comments in this colour or this colour and any corrections I think are needed in this colour.

Name-Alexandre Scriabin(he is normally addressed using his surname)

Sex-Male

Height-1 Ped, 2 Fores, 8 Nailsbreadths, & 3 Grains You only need to go as far as Nailsbreadths

Weight-1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, & 7 Muts

Eyes-Dark Brown

Age-53

Race-Human

Tribe-Rhulran Men/Erphorian Men Did you mean Erpheronian?


Occupation-Musician/Composer

Title-Child Prodigy

Hair Colour-Brownish Black

Physical Appearance-Scriabin has an aristocratic handle bar mustache and a trimmed beard that doesn't cover his jaw line, just his chin. His hairline is beginning to recede, but in spite of his age, there are no wrinkles or blemishes on his forehead. His hands are peculiarly large, but bony and thin, like hooks, as a result of him stretching them from the age of 8. His skin is relatively pale in comparison to his people, thanks to his extended time indoors practicing on the miasma of instruments in his childhood home. His trot is brisk, efficient, maybe not altogether graceful but filled with intent, shoulders back, observative, I didn't even know there was such a word as 'observative' and hips swaying ever so slightly, speaking volumes about his rigid self-control.

He is a little shorter than his native people, and is not necessarily an awesome image. Plenty a time has he gone without a meal, so he is on the thinner side. There are no interesting battle scars, no rippling muscles, no commanding or even mildly arresting features, just sturdy walking legs, and a worn out back.

Clothing-He wears an eggshell white undershirt(fine cotton), and a jet black aristocrat's coat(silk) embroidered with music notation on the cuffs. Along with that he wears elegant silk pantaloons of the same hue as his coat. His plain, travelworn boots are the only articles that may make it apparent that he is essentially without a home for the time being. They rise up right to the halfmark of his shins.

Personality-Adam is thoughtful, and because of said thoughtfulness would never classify himself to a person, seeing as words are always just plain inadequate. Only when it is necessary or requested will he clear his throat to utter anything. Because of this, he is not a Bard who is keen on tales, just music. There is no reasoning with him unless he has been misinformed prior to making a judgment, and as a result he hates to make excuses for anything. He does whatever he is obligated to do if he must accomplish something, but he has different standards of success. It should be taken into account that he values nothing physical, and the very ideas of society, finances, and social interaction are naught but a sick joke to him. Having been a child prodigy in music, the single two things he values are people and music.

It is rather rare that he shows much expression with his face. Because of this, you can only discern his emotions from his eyes. One wouldn't say he didn't give a damn either way, but that he is withdrawn, routinely preoccupied with studying people, their habits, insecurities, bashfulness, hate, and overall sense of antiquity. He is rather good at it, and that is where his intuition and persuasion skills stem from. He observes what subjects make a person perspire, what lights their desires, their remarkably low self esteem, what pheremones get them going, and he takes note of it all.

They are definitely more than a science experiment, mind you, he loves them to death. But you know, the most ironic thing of all is: he can cure a person, sort out what clutters their graymatter, but he is simply incapable of making his own emotions audibly heard. Somehow or another it will seem misconstrued to him, so he doesn't even let it escape his mouth.

Who knows? Maybe he doesn't even have any sense of self anymore, maybe his aspirations are a combination of all of ours? Is there really such a thing as too much selflessness?

Strengths-
*It should be noted that he is rather persuasive whenever it suits him. He has a strong grasp on language, and can make a person willing to do something not grudgingly, but because the person will actually morally agree with Scriabin's pursuits.
*He is remarkably intelligent, so it most definitely affects his decision making skills; and intuitiveness in the context of providing for himself. Subsequently, it is next to impossible to lie or trick him, he is excellent at solving riddles for people, and he can normally keep himself out of trouble if his goals aren't telling him to get himself into trouble.
*Not to be taken lightly is his willpower, as it is not very easy at all to deter him emotionally. Pain is seen as translucent stimulus to him, so it most assuredly not affect his morale, but of course, we all have our breaking points(that vary depending upon the urgency of the situation).
*The martial art of Leránta(native to Rhulrans) used to be a favorite hobby of his, yet he is still in the mediocre range as a result of his preoccupations. All of the young men of his people receive lessons in Leránta, but it obviously has been some time since he was a young lad. He doesn't see incapacitation as a hateful act, so it doesn't count as a sin. Simply put, has no qualms with subduing people. He is not quite efficient enough at countering sharp implements, so he remains elusive in those specific situations.

What about him playing music? I think that would need to be counted as a strength.

Weaknesses-
*However much resolve he has, he isn't very physically apt. It definitely has an effect on his health, seeing as he is more quickly short of breath.
*People are bound to dislike, and maybe even hate him because of his different values that they may misconstrue as an utter lack of values.
*In spite of him being able to manage himself financially, he never grasps firm ground for himself. You might say he has wanderlust.
*Scriabin is obsessive compulsive, and it becomes apparent to others as they see that he has a hard time dropping things, and that he has a few subjects that he can't stop thinking about(music, theology, philosophy, and psychology).

Belongings-He owns both a Fíoelì(relatively small), and a Fíoelà(substantially larger).
Here is a quote from our dear dev board describing these instruments. "The basics of playing the instruments from this family are the same. Any variation in style is from either size, style of music, or culture. A bow is drawn across the strings to create a continuous sound, which will last as long as the bow does not stop, even if its direction of movement is altered. At times, the strings may be plucked with the index finger from the bow hand, yet these instruments should never be strummed. The likelihood of strings breaking increases, and it causes the instrument to go greatly out of tune.

The neck is held in the left hand while the bottom is tucked firmly beneath the chin. Cloth or cushioning is sometimes placed at the end to protect the player’s neck and shoulder, especially if the instrument will be played for any great length of time. This cushion also serves as added grip to help hold the instrument place so it does not slide from its position while the musician is playing. The hand curves around the neck with the thumb and fingers facing one another from opposite sides. The thumb rests on the side of the neck while the fingers wrap around and lay with their tips upon the strings.

Held daintily in the right hand at end, the bow has one job, to rub its hairs on the strings to create noise."

Besides his instrument, he has his single set of clothing(washed often to keep diseases away), a sparse quantity of currency on his person, and travel bag with compositions, dates(quick and easy food if you weren't familiar with dates), and religious texts for him to study in his spare time(they vary depending upon the beliefs of the individuals in his current location).

The belongings section really needs to be below the History section, Scriabin.

History-He inherited his surname from his father, who had been born into nobility, yet his philosophical triumphs got the best of him and he left Sarvonia and his several estates(letting his petty family fight over the land), and immigrated to the Nashrhuli desert in Aeruillin. And wouldn't you know, seeing as he was still filthy rich, the more wealthy individuals in the community around the Oasis starting offering him women and engagement gifts. Of course, he said, "Why the hell not" and settled in with a middleclass women so that the aristocrats of the area wouldn't be bugging him for his money and reputation back home to help in their so called wretched existence in this so-called backwards place(which just so happens to be situated right next to a gorgeous oasis).

From what the members of their community say(no one can afford to have secrets in a small town), his mother and father met next to the well, as Mr. Scriabin was playing a lute piece in D minor. Seeing as there is almost nothing more sexy than a good sonata in D minor, they just hit it off.

I think you'll find that D minor and other such keys are not part of the world of Caelereth, Sciabin. On the Development Forum, there is a sticky thread about Music you may be interested in. I am not sure, but I believe that entry would provide you with more details on the Caelereth ways of notating music.

A few years later his wife was with child, so the man resolved to be a home educator for what he expected to be his greatest pupil yet. Scriabin was born not so long afterwards, and displayed a staggering cognitive aptitude very early on. As a result, he began his education at 3, received training in 21 different instruments by the age of 12, and began going to bed with wine corks between his fingers to stretch them, and his current compositions under his pillow.

While he was waiting 6 years to come of age and run their plantation, he and his father realized more and more that people were the same everywhere, so he got consent and blessings from both his parents and left for the outlying world, letting his father try to set people's priorities straight in his home town while he was gone.
Please try to split the above paragraph up into 2 or 3 sentences.

For 35 years after turning 18 and leaving home, he has been spreading self contentment, mutual support, religious concepts, and not to mention some damn fine music throughout the people he has come into contact with. It has been hard, as he is not one for excessive conversation (as i have mentioned earlier), but actions really do speak louder than words (who would think that nothing says i hate you more than poisoned cereal).

All in all it looks pretty good to me. I think a few commas are needed in a few places, and there was that one paragraph that needs to be split up into sentences. You may find that music link I gave you an interesting read.

I look forward to reading the way your CD develops, Sciabin.

« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 06:21:44 PM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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Alexandre Scriabin
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Human, Erpheronian/ Rhulran


« Reply #17 on: June 11, 2009, 05:04:25 AM »

Funny, even the spellcheck got mad at me for putting in "observative", but it's in the webster's and college dictionaries i have. Maybe proper English is dying out, but bah who cares...

I have finished editing the areas you detailed, thx. Bump...
« Last Edit: June 12, 2009, 04:16:40 AM by Alexandre Scriabin » Logged

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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #18 on: June 15, 2009, 03:51:19 PM »

Hi Scriabin, me again, back to give you another look over :)

Once again, I'll make comments in this colour and any corrections I feel are necessary in this colour.

Name-Alexandre Scriabin(he is normally addressed using his surname)

Sex-Male

Stature-1 Ped, 2 Fores, & 8 Nailsbreadths

Mass-1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, & 7 Muts

Eyes-Dark Brown

Age-53

Ethnicity-Human

Tribe-Rhulran Men/Erphoronian Men

Occupation-Musician/Composer Just so that you are aware, we really like to see Name/Tribe/Occupation in the subject of CDs. So, in your case, that would probably be Scriabin / Rhulran Men-Erphoronian Men / Musician-Composer

Title-Child Prodigy

Hair Colour-Brownish Black

Don't forget his Eye Colour as well

Physical Appearance-
Scriabin has an aristocratic handle bar mustache and a trimmed beard that doesn't cover his jaw line, just his chin. His hairline is beginning to recede, but in spite of his age, there are no wrinkles or blemishes on his forehead. His hands are peculiarly large, but bony and thin, like hooks, as a result of him stretching them from the age of 8. His skin is relatively pale in comparison to his people, thanks to his extended time indoors practicing on the miasma of instruments in his childhood home. His trot is brisk, efficient, maybe not altogether graceful but filled with intent, shoulders back, observative, and hips swaying ever so slightly, speaking volumes about his rigid self-control.

He is a little shorter than his native people, and is not necessarily an awesome image. Plenty a time has he gone without a meal, so he is on the thinner side. There are no interesting battle scars, no rippling muscles, no commanding or even mildly arresting features, just sturdy walking legs, and a worn out back.

Clothing-
He wears an eggshell white undershirt(fine cotton), and a jet black aristocrat's coat(silk) embroidered with music notation on the cuffs. Along with that he wears elegant silk pantaloons of the same hue as his coat. His plain, travelworn boots are the only articles that may make it apparent that he is essentially without a home for the time being. They rise up right to the halfmark of his shins.

Personality-
Adam Where does Adam come from? I thought his first name was Alexandre. is thoughtful, and because of said thoughtfulness would never classify himself to a person, seeing as words are always just plain inadequate. Only when it is necessary or requested will he clear his throat to utter anything. Because of this, he is not a Bard who is keen on tales, just music. There is no reasoning with him unless he has been misinformed prior to making a judgment, and as a result he hates to make excuses for anything. He does whatever he is obligated to do if he must accomplish something, but he has different standards of success. It should be taken into account that he values nothing physical, and the very ideas of society, finances, and social interaction are naught but a sick joke to him. Having been a child prodigy in music, the single two things he values are people and music.

It is rather rare that he shows much expression with his face. Because of this, you can only discern his emotions from his eyes. One wouldn't say he didn't give a damn either way, but that he is withdrawn, routinely preoccupied with studying people, their habits, insecurities, bashfulness, hate, and overall sense of antiquity. He is rather good at it, and that is where his intuition and persuasion skills stem from. He observes what subjects make a person perspire, what lights their desires, their remarkably low self esteem, what pheremones I'm wondering whether pheremones would be too modern for Santharia get them going, and he takes note of it all.

They are definitely more than a science experiment, mind you, he loves them to death. But you know, the most ironic thing of all is: he can cure a person, sort out what clutters their graymatter, but he is simply incapable of making his own emotions audibly heard. Somehow or another it will seem misconstrued to him, so he doesn't even let it escape his mouth.

Who knows? Maybe he doesn't even have any sense of self anymore, maybe his aspirations are a combination of all of ours? Is there really such a thing as too much selflessness?

Strengths-
*It should be noted that he is rather persuasive whenever it suits him. He has a strong grasp of language, and can make a person willing to do something not grudgingly, but because the person will actually morally agree with Scriabin's pursuits.
*He is remarkably intelligent, so it most definitely affects his decision making skills; and intuitiveness in the context of providing for himself. Subsequently, it is next to impossible to lie or trick him, he is excellent at solving riddles for people, and he can normally keep himself out of trouble if his goals aren't telling him to get himself into trouble.
*Not to be taken lightly is his willpower, as it is not very easy at all to deter him emotionally. Pain is seen as translucent stimulus to him, so it most assuredly not affect his morale, but of course, we all have our breaking points(that vary depending upon the urgency of the situation).
*The martial art of Leránta(native to Rhulrans) used to be a favorite hobby of his, yet he is still in the mediocre range as a result of his preoccupations. All of the young men of his people receive lessons in Leránta, but it obviously has been some time since he was a young lad. He doesn't see incapacitation as a hateful act, so it doesn't count as a sin. Simply put, has no qualms with subduing people. He is not quite efficient enough at countering sharp implements, so he remains elusive in those specific situations.

*Just from a side glance or a casual session with him, it is apparent that he is a monumental composer and musician. His double stops, Pantheon leaps, scale progressions, and bravado with the Fíoelì and Fíoelà is sublime, to say the least. If need be, he can easily join an orchestra and make great money for a few nights. When he isn't helping people, you would most assuredly find him playing music.
Thanks for including a bit about the music as a strength. From the above paragraph, I can see you read through that entry I directed you towards as part of my previous review. Well done. If you were to leave a line space between each of your strengths, it would make it easier to tell when each strength starts and finishes.

Weaknesses-
*However much resolve he has, he isn't very physically apt. It definitely has an effect on his health, seeing as he is more quickly short of breath. You really can't expect him to carry heavy loads, or do anything too strenuous, for he's an old man, after all.
*People are bound to dislike, and maybe even hate him because of his different values that they may misconstrue as an utter lack of values.
*In spite of him being able to manage himself financially, he never grasps firm ground for himself. You might say he has wanderlust.
*Scriabin is obsessive compulsive, and it becomes apparent to others as they see that he has a hard time dropping things, and that he has a few subjects that he can't stop thinking about(music, theology, philosophy, and psychology).
My comment about the Strenghts (a linespace between each one also applies here)

History-
He inherited his surname from his father, who had been born into nobility, yet his philosophical triumphs got the best of him and he left Sarvonia and his several estates space in here please (letting his petty family fight over the land), and immigrated to the Nashrhuli desert in Aeruillin. And wouldn't you know, seeing as he was still filthy rich, the more wealthy individuals in the community around the Oasis starting offering him women and engagement gifts. Of course, he said, "Why the hell not" and settled in with a middleclass women so that the aristocrats of the area wouldn't be bugging him for his money and reputation back home to help in their so called wretched existence in this so-called backwards place space in here please (which just so happens to be situated right next to a gorgeous oasis).

From what the members of their community say space in here please (no one can afford to have secrets in a small town), his mother and father met next to the well, as Mr. Scriabin was playing a lute piece based upon the Je note of the mid range Pantheon space in here please If you wanted to be creative and give a name to the lute piece, that would be fine as well :D(octave). Seeing as there is almost nothing more sexy than a good sonata in Je minor, they just hit it off.  The way that you have Santharised this last paragraph is great! Well done!

A few years later his wife was with child, so the man resolved to be a home educator for what he expected to be his greatest pupil yet. Scriabin was born not so long afterwards, and displayed a staggering cognitive aptitude very early on. As a result, he began his education at 3, received training in 21 different instruments by the age of 12, and began going to bed with wine corks between his fingers to stretch them, and his current compositions under his pillow.Maybe consider breaking this last sentence up into 2?

While he was waiting 6 years to come of age and run their plantation, he and his father realized more and more that people were the same everywhere. So he got consent and blessings from both his parents and left for the outlying world, letting his father try to set people's priorities straight in his home town while he was gone.

For 35 years after turning 18 and leaving home, he has been spreading self contentment, mutual support, religious concepts, and not to mention some damn fine music throughout the people he has come into contact with. It has been hard, as he is not one for excessive conversation space in here please (as i have mentioned earlier), but actions really do speak louder than words space in here please (who wouldn't think that nothing says i hate you more than poisoned cereal )

Belongings-
He owns both a Fíoelì(relatively small), and a Fíoelà(substantially larger).
Here is a quote from our dear dev board describing these instruments. "The basics of playing the instruments from this family are the same. Any variation in style is from either size, style of music, or culture. A bow is drawn across the strings to create a continuous sound, which will last as long as the bow does not stop, even if its direction of movement is altered. At times, the strings may be plucked with the index finger from the bow hand, yet these instruments should never be strummed. The likelihood of strings breaking increases, and it causes the instrument to go greatly out of tune.

The neck is held in the left hand while the bottom is tucked firmly beneath the chin. Cloth or cushioning is sometimes placed at the end to protect the player’s neck and shoulder, especially if the instrument will be played for any great length of time. This cushion also serves as added grip to help hold the instrument place so it does not slide from its position while the musician is playing. The hand curves around the neck with the thumb and fingers facing one another from opposite sides. The thumb rests on the side of the neck while the fingers wrap around and lay with their tips upon the strings.

Held daintily in the right hand at end, the bow has one job, to rub its hairs on the strings to create noise."

Besides his instrument, he has his single set of clothing space in here please (washed often to keep diseases away), a sparse quantity of currency on his person, and travel bag with compositions, dates space in here please (quick and easy food if you weren't familiar with dates), and religious texts for him to study in his spare time space in here please (they vary depending upon the beliefs of the individuals in his current location).

Thank you for addressing the issues I raised last time, Scriabin. I can't see too much wrong with your CD. Just a few minor things that I mustn't have seen on the previous review.

Hope my comments are of help.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2009, 04:40:58 AM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #19 on: June 16, 2009, 01:46:23 AM »

Thank you, i have addressed all of your topics now, Let's just hope for an approval or somesuch soon  ;)
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #20 on: June 16, 2009, 02:14:41 PM »

One thing which really bothers me, is the amount of stuff you have in parenthesis. Obviously it gives information, so find a way to add it without the use of parenthesis. It keeps the text cleaner.
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« Reply #21 on: June 18, 2009, 01:26:15 AM »

I cut down the amount of parenthesis' and kept them only for side notes in the last sections. Thank you, i am finished editing. Bump...
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Mathis Mallister
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« Reply #22 on: June 18, 2009, 01:35:22 AM »

Just my opinion: Seeing as your character is 53 years old by the time you'll be actually playing him, you might want to choose a different title. Your title is meant to sum up your character, and "Child Prodigy" just doesn't quite seem to fit a contestant for the board's "Best Facial Hair" award. Big Grin Just what I saw at a glance.

Good luck and welcome to the board.
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take an eye for an eye, turn your heart into stone
this is all I have lived for, this is all I have known
Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #23 on: June 18, 2009, 01:41:24 AM »

Got it. Thank you for the comment. Bump.
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« Reply #24 on: June 18, 2009, 04:29:02 AM »

Quote
(who wouldn't think that nothing says i hate you more than poisoned cereal evil)

Not necessary in the CD :p

Beyond that, everything looks good and you have my ~First Approval~
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2009, 10:53:40 AM »

All righty then.. Permission to feel somewhat stoked?  cool
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« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2009, 05:30:34 PM »

Feel away :P

Just a quick couple of things I'd like to see addressed before I give you my approval too:

Quote
*People are bound to dislike, and maybe even hate him because of his different values that they may misconstrue as an utter lack of values.

Could you make this clearer?  I'm not sure what you mean as I had the impression that Scriabin was a fairly moral character.

Also, could you take out the quote from the board about your instruments?  The CD should really be all your own work...why not just link the words Fíoelì and Fíoelà to the entries (or entry) instead?

I would also quite like to see some particular reason why he decided to leave his family and move continents...doesn't have to be anything spectacular but it seems to me that this is a big decision and should have a reason.  I'm not sure what you mean by people being the same everywhere.
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« Reply #27 on: June 19, 2009, 02:38:12 AM »

Thank you, it wouldn't be a cd if not for some final nitpicks. I have finished. Feeling stoked once again...  cool
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« Reply #28 on: June 20, 2009, 02:03:44 AM »

Ok...some of the typos in that bit are making me wince!  Go sort them out please?  And can you correct the spelling of Erpheronians in your title too.  Thanks.
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #29 on: June 20, 2009, 02:44:24 AM »

I think i've got it now. If i don't can you give some examples of the typos? Because, if so, i obviously don't know what to look for.
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