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Author Topic: Drea Corfuyne/ Erpheronian/ Bounty Hunter  (Read 11569 times)
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Drea
Dangerous Doxy
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #15 on: July 19, 2009, 01:33:50 AM »

Thank you Deklitch for the comments.  All changes have been made pretty in Pink.  Let me know about the Persona non Grata thing, and whether or not I can use it. :)
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Drea's CD

Honour is within you, and cannot be taken away by others.  Neither highborn Knights with hollow souls, or gossiping harpies can break your spirit unless you let them.- Drea
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #16 on: July 19, 2009, 06:28:04 AM »

Hi Drea,

An administrator responded to the question I raised about 'Persona non Grata' and said that provided it was used in the correct context, it should be fine to use. It looks to me as though it has been used in the correct context, so I think you can keep it as it is.

I'll check through it for you again later today. :)
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Drea
Dangerous Doxy
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2009, 10:19:32 AM »

*whistles innocently*
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Drea's CD

Honour is within you, and cannot be taken away by others.  Neither highborn Knights with hollow souls, or gossiping harpies can break your spirit unless you let them.- Drea
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #18 on: July 23, 2009, 01:00:41 PM »

Something I noticed real quick while reading.

Quote
She drinks hard, enjoys sex indiscriminately, and fights with the acumen few can match, either with her fists or with her blades.

Has she picked up any sort of diseases or health issues due to fact she enjoys sex so freely? I would think she would, especially as sanitation isn't a major issue with people during this time period.

Something to chew on. More will come later.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Deklitch Hardin
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #19 on: July 27, 2009, 06:59:56 PM »

Hi Drea from me again. Sorry its taken me a bit longer than I thought to get back to your CD. In any case, I'm here now, so lets do this again, shall we? Comments in lime green from me again.



Name: Drea Corfuyne

Age: 28

Gender: Female

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian (I don't know how I missed this last time :D)

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Height: 1 Ped 2 Fores 1 Palm

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs

Eye Color: Green

Hair Color: Light Brown

Title: Dangerous Doxy



That line about her tribe was the only thing I could see with your CD, Drea.
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Eirika
Guest
« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2009, 09:21:28 PM »

Hello Drea and welcome to Santharia! Your CD was a wonderful read, although I did notice one perplexing aspect. Any warrior knows that running around without armor will leave you very dead if not heavily scarred in short order. True your character uses her beauty to distract an enemy, yet blades, flails and general battlefield debris doesn't discern beauty.

Although what you have written would be befitting, as a trained warrior your character would easily realize that to fight in armed combat as she does would mean disfigurement quickly. Alluring dress might be her preference but wisdom gained through life experiences would assuredly lead her towards a suit of battle regalia. Armor design's can be revealing as well if the proper piece are chosen. Just some general ideas for 'safety' and realism.  

With her military background I can only stress once again, how much she would understand the need for armor. Her understanding of her natural beauty and slight vanity would only strengthen this aspect of combat for her.
  
I'll quote my instructor here, which I think applies more-so in a fantasy setting. "When you enter armed combat you are sure of only one thing, you will be struck at least once before the fight ends. Armor decides whether that blow is fatal."
« Last Edit: July 27, 2009, 09:41:20 PM by Shen Caz'na » Logged
Drea
Dangerous Doxy
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #21 on: August 07, 2009, 01:24:11 AM »

Thank you for the comments.  :D

I removed the term "indiscriminate" from the description.  I did not want to imply that she was a loose woman, just that she was not afraid of sex, and will use it as a tool.  That said, I did create a weakness as a result of this, though I did not make it a sexually transmitted disease.

I also included in her strengths and belongings section, a set of chain armour from her time in the army.  I agree that this would make her more believable.

Last but not least, I added the Tribe.  Not sure how I missed that either. :)
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Drea's CD

Honour is within you, and cannot be taken away by others.  Neither highborn Knights with hollow souls, or gossiping harpies can break your spirit unless you let them.- Drea
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #22 on: August 07, 2009, 11:53:15 AM »

Hey Drea. I think you are just about done here! I have a couple of things to point out, but I think they are easily cleaned up. Once they are taken care of, you should have your first approval :)

Quote
Height: 1 Ped 2 Fores 1 Palmspan

Physical Appearance:
Quote
“My little green-eyed beauty.”

Quote
Brown hair falls neatly about her shoulders, sometimes kept in a ponytail, but more often than not, hangs loosely.
   

Quote
Femininity:

Quote
Secrecy: Drea is afraid that her family will find out what she does for a living.  She is terrified of embarrassing her family.  She tries to keep the two separate elements of her life from overlapping, mostly by keeping secret the details of her life, and by her name change. Does this thought occur to her often? Or is it something more of when she knows she will see them, that is crops up?
 
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Drea
Dangerous Doxy
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Posts: 448


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2009, 06:36:57 AM »

Thank you Kalina :D

Issues addressed.
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Drea's CD

Honour is within you, and cannot be taken away by others.  Neither highborn Knights with hollow souls, or gossiping harpies can break your spirit unless you let them.- Drea
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2009, 07:43:06 AM »

~First Approval~
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2009, 07:51:29 AM »

Second Approval ... I suppose you can start removing unnecessary colours from your CD for titling and archiving :D
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Sylvia Palinor
Masked Huntress
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Half-elf-Tethinrhim/Avennorian


« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2009, 12:32:58 PM »

Congrats! Good luck with RPing. Hopefully I'll be able to join you soon.
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"Sympathy is a luxury I simply cannot afford, for in the death of others do I make my living."

Sylvia Palinor
Drea
Dangerous Doxy
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #27 on: August 09, 2009, 02:45:44 AM »

Thank you all for the help. :D

Colour removed and ready to be titled.
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Drea's CD

Honour is within you, and cannot be taken away by others.  Neither highborn Knights with hollow souls, or gossiping harpies can break your spirit unless you let them.- Drea
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #28 on: August 09, 2009, 02:49:54 AM »

Titled and Archived! Have fun :D
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
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