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Author Topic: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer  (Read 16767 times)
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2009, 07:55:44 AM »

One quick note, your personality section is only one paragraph. You might want want to explore a variety of things because your character will be caught in plethoras of different situations as you RP. You say she is quiet at times, and don't go n to explain why. Is she mellodramatic about things. If she's seen sadness, what is her idea of sadness? How does she interpret the events that unfold before her, how much willpower does she posses, and why is it that she prefers the cold, dark, and damp to other conditions? You kind of just dropped in weak inklings of thought without concrete details. Lmao, i sound like an English teacher right now. Just tell me if I ever sound condescending, and i'll be happy to oblige and tone my suggestions down.
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Ohénmár Celeste
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Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2009, 03:53:49 AM »

No, it is totally fine with me. I added more details to my personality. Thank's everyone!
« Last Edit: July 24, 2009, 03:05:32 PM by Ohénmár » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2009, 07:06:39 AM »

Hi and welcome from me again, Ohénmár. Another round of comments from me are on their way for you. Let's get started, shall we? I'll use red for my comments this time.

Before we get into it, instead of typing Half Elf Half Human in your Subject, would you mind writing Ylfferhim/Eyelian instead?



Name:Ohénmár

Gender:Female

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race:Elves/Human

Tribe:Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Occupation:Anything that needs doing, to earn money. From cleaning out the stables to searching for a lost toy.

Please make sure these items are in this order It makes it much easier for other players and story mods if these things are standard. Also, any chance you could shorten your occupation a bit, to two or three words? The Subject of your character should be Name/Tribe/Occupation. Your current occupation would make that a bit difficult. Just a thought I had with regards to a possible Occupation ... Jill of all trades.

Title:Wanderer
Any chance that you could make your title a bit more interesting than just Wanderer? Just describe what kind of Wanderer she is would be fine ... so she might be a Lonely Wanderer, or a Careful Wanderer, or Green Eyed Wanderer. If you could choose something to make it a bit more interesting than 'Wanderer', it would tell people at a glance what kind of person she is.

Appearance

Height:1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue

Physical Appearance:Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes. One aspect of being half human is she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half human, her ears are as pointed as any elf's. She is about one ped tall and one pygge in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long (not to mention dirty) tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. They are very comfortable. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit (on my portrait) is brown and silver (grey) with gold lines, skin tight armour. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, (and to look cool). I think it might look better if you attempted to incorporate the bracketed text in the flow of your clothing description.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen many things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things.  She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire but loves water. She prefers night to day and sunrise to sunset. She prefers coldness to heat, partially because of the fire, but mostly just because it makes her feel more awake. Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care.

   She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about learning anything about the world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She is often surprised to find that some people are very clever in ways she is not.

Strengths

Smart and Intelligent:She is very smart and learns quickly. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it. Sometimes, she will just sit down and think.

Excellent Swimmer:She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water.

Sword:It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.

Longbow:Ohénmár is very skilled at using the longbow, because she has practiced many hours with it.

Loves Animals:She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats.

Plays the flute:She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.

Weaknesses

Youth:Because she is young many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her, or give unnecessary, and annoying, help.

Hunting for her father:She is still looking for her father (see history) so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him.

Underestimates people:Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.

Fear of Fire:She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night.

Often Lonely:Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

These are an interesting set of strengths and weaknesses, Ohénmár. Story mods will be interested in knowing just how big an impact each of these will have on her in a story. So ... for example, as well as describing what the sword looks, also describe how good she is at using. Explain how Underestimates people will have a negative impact on her. For example, the Underestimates people may lead to her taking unnecessary risks in combat because she thinks she is much more skilled than them.

History:Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. For 16 years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her. She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud.

Being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.

A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.

She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings:A orb that shifts in color from green to blue. It's purpose is kept a secret. Actually, even she doesn't know what it is. She found it in the river one day while she was swimming. She found that it gives off light and heat when it's cold and dark, a great use when she is to afraid to make a fire. It actually was made by a mage and was lost in the river one day when he slipped and fell. It was carried downstream where Ohénmár found it. Maybe it was fate! She also has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings. It is completely died cotton, (blue of course,) and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Familiars: None If she doesn't have any familiars, there is no need to include this heading.


Thank you for your continued work on your CD, Ohénmár. I look forward to seeing how it continues to develop.
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Vesk Lyricahl
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« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2009, 07:13:29 AM »

Let me make a few suggestions, if I may.

1. Her heritage is the first thing to catch my eye. Humans and elves rarely have children together, as such, more explanation as to how her parents met should be given. It will be more plausible to have her father meet her mother within the forest that is her home, as the elves of her mother's tribe remain fairly isolated.

2. I would caution against having her so skilled at her age. I think of an elf's learning as slower yet more in depth than that of a human, as a half-elf, she should be somewhere in the middle but still would not possess skills beyond that of a fourteen year old human. That she taught herself is another hindrance, it should take her longer learning on her own that it would with a teacher. I would suggest dropping one weapon entirely and possibly lowering her skill a bit with the other. A couple of ways to have more skill would be to either increase her age, give her a teacher, or both.

3. Her personality is a good start. I would just make one suggestion on how to flesh it out more. When reading through it, ask yourself "why?" about each trait and see if the reason behind the trait is included in the personality as well. If not, adding them will add detail nicely. A couple of examples would be her fear of fire and love of water. The fear is explained in her history but not in her personality, adding a line or two about the reason why to the personality as well would help define the character.
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2009, 08:26:17 AM »

Thank you! I couldn't think of anything better than Jill of All Trades for Occupation, so I did that. Also, from now on I am doing editing in red, because I have so much it now longer stood out.

*EDIT:Vesk Lyricahl, sorry I actually didn't see your comment until now. I made the changes. *Sigh* I wanted her to have a bow. Oh well...
« Last Edit: July 24, 2009, 03:04:51 PM by Ohénmár » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2009, 02:46:24 PM »

You could say she is learning to use the bow, teaching herself, but explain she isn't very good and more than likely won't use it battle. Her sword being her first and ultimate choice of weapon.

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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2009, 03:01:42 PM »

Would I still put a bow as an advantage? I'm guesing yes, so I'll go ahead and do it. Thanks again.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2009, 03:04:14 PM by Ohénmár » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2009, 03:05:04 PM »

You hadn't completely removed it from the CD, so this gives you a bit of an option. Again, she wouldn't have very good accuracy or skill with the bow.
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #23 on: July 23, 2009, 01:22:48 PM »

Of course. I put that she really only had basic training.

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« Last Edit: July 24, 2009, 03:01:20 PM by Ohénmár » Logged

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Sývaein Sorossa
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« Reply #24 on: July 23, 2009, 01:38:40 PM »

I think that the issue is that we have no idea what "basic training" means. In one case, a human militiaman given a spear who had "basic training" would be considered proficient enough to understand that the pointy end of the stick was pointed away from you, how to march (maybe) who he took orders from (just to be safe) and how to possibly-maybe stab someone with the pointy end of the stick.

An elf with "basic training" with a bow would likely how to care for it, and themselves in order to use it properly, and how to shoot it with reliable accuracy, with a chance of understanding the actual process of making (though not skilled in making the bow themselves) the weapon, and perhaps some of the history surrounding the weapon.

On the other hand, a human with "basic training" would understand how to nock an arrow, pull the string back without the arrow falling off, to shoot it without hurting themselves (harder than it sounds) and hit a target perhaps the size of a dog, though they'd be more likely to miss.

It the elf longer would take longer than a human learning "basic training", but at the end of the day, the elf comes off better. I think what we'd want to know is Can you hit a tree (any tree, any one at all.) in the middle of a forest? Can you do better than that? How much better? Are you liable to injure yourself while shooting your weapon, either because you don't know how to use it (no form when shooting, dropping it on your foot etc) or because you don't have the experience (shaky/untrustworthy hands, poor maintenance of the weapon, etc.)?

Do we get the idea?
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Lorek Bearfist
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« Reply #25 on: July 24, 2009, 03:35:19 AM »

Name/Tribe/Occupation should be the only things in your subject line.
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #26 on: July 24, 2009, 01:33:15 PM »

That's all that's there. I have two tribes because she's half elf.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2009, 03:00:56 PM by Ohénmár » Logged

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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #27 on: July 24, 2009, 02:37:13 PM »

He's talking about the last bit, the fair-haired wanderer. Wandering isn't exactly going to get you a lot of money, so it's not an occupation :)
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #28 on: July 24, 2009, 02:40:49 PM »

Oh.
EDIT: is now changed.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2009, 03:00:40 PM by Ohénmár » Logged

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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #29 on: August 01, 2009, 03:56:01 AM »

I hate to just bump the page without anything really important to say, but it's dangerously close to the bottom. Oh, if there was any confusion, when I said "Is now changed." I meant both the title and what Sývaein Sorossa said.


P.S. I got a frame!
« Last Edit: August 01, 2009, 04:16:39 AM by Ohénmár » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
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