Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer

[Ohénmár Celeste]

I beleive genetically, hair colors don't blend. I went here to check: CLICK
I am not sure how genetics are suposed to work, in people blond hair is recessive, with elves it isn't said, so I thought it would be ok. I also made my character match my portrait, not visa-versa. With weight and height he said it was "redundant" so I thought that he meant I didn't need it. Also, as it was meantioned before she is only 13. It's normal not to be sure what one wants to do in life at that age. (My age btw.) I'll have to think about the dress thing. I just thought it would be nice for her to have the dress and bracelet, as both are kind of my fantasy outfit. Do they have parties in elf-land? (Don't worry, I know there isn't really an "elf-land".)

[Ohénmár Celeste]

Sorry to double-post. I made lots of changes, getting rid of the sword entirely and adding a few things. (Such as the full version of my portrait.) I hope that takes me one step closer to being done. I am done with changes until I get new comments or some one responds to my last post. (Not that it's been long.)

[Ohénmár Celeste]

Soooo.... what do you think?

[Valan Nonesuch]

A question. When you say, hit a target from seven peds, do you mean, "hit the broad side of the barn" at seven peds (seven meters) or "hit the bullseye" at seven peds? The distance is a fair one, since hitting the bullseye or to be reasonable, the ring around it as well wouldn't be a difficult task at seven meters.

International Archery Federation puts the indoor competition range at 18 - 25 meters. At 25 meters the target is 60 centimetres in diameter (again FITA rules) so you can see the difference such a detail might make.

To say you can shoot a stationary target at 7 meters is, to put it mildly, like saying you can harm an infant. It's not that difficult. If you've mad an error in the distance you've mentioned here, I'd suggest you check the revised distance against the measures converter before you finish with it.

Some details on the bow might be nice as well. You say it's a long bow. We have an entire entry that deals with bows. Is it composite? a selfbow (all one piece of wood). What is it made of, bone, horn, metal, wood?
How big is it? What kind of arrows are you using? Is there anything distinctive about them (fletching or heads perhaps?)

[Ohénmár Celeste]

I changed that she can hit the center of the target, but a) I don't really know bows, and b) everyone was telling me she was to good with her weapons, so, ok. I also added some information about the bow and arrows in the weapons section.

[Valan Nonesuch]

Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers. Her little friends can help her by getting down fruit from the tops of trees, or warning her when danger is near with their calls of alarm. As a horse groomer, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befriend them.

While the Eyelians are gifted with handling animals, you are not a pureblooded Eyelian, nor were you raised as an Eyelian and not everything is going to get along with you. In addition, what you are describing in the highlighted would not be possible for a normal Eyelian that could not speak with the animals in question by my thinking. This strength should be toned down a little from where I stand, paying careful attention to the highlighted portions.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.SPACEWhen she plays it is always beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, she often gets compliments. She doesn't play any written songs, even though she could, but she prefers to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song they often exchange bits of news.

The first sentence isn't really a part of the strength. In fact, it looks like it belongs up with the personality section. The highlighted section is what is bugging me here. You're using an absolute again, which isn't a good idea when it comes to defining strengths and weaknesses. The way it reads now, it sounds like you never play something even the slightest bit badly. Straying accidentally into that kind of perfection (even unintentionally, or as a form hyperbole) isn't good. I also don't remember her being able to read, let alone read music. Something like that actually wouldn't be all too common. Most musicians (of the travelling variety at least) would have learned their songs by ear, rather than by reading music off of a sheet.

So, moral here. Stay clear of absolutes (always and the like) and broad generalizations (any, every, etc.) when you're describing the strengths and weaknesses. You could inadvertently shoot yourself in the foot by unintentionally overpowering or otherwise unbalancing the character..

[Ohénmár Celeste]

Cries of alarm when danger is near is something many animals do, anyways. Ever heard a bird fly away when you come to close, calling out? That's telling all nearby birds, "Hey theres a person!"

[Valan Nonesuch]

While this is true, animals make noise for many reasons.  Since you don't speak bird, you can't really tell whether they're simply chattering about food, mates, an animal or the fact that it rains too much. In addition, the way you have the phrase worded does seem to imply that they are talking to you.

[Ohénmár Celeste]

Ok. But you can kind of speak bird. You learn what different things mean from listening and watching them. Obviously little twitering in the trees is just nothing, it's pretty obvious when they are mad or scared.  Anyways, I'll refrase it.

[Azhira Styralias]

Hello Ohénmár!

Changing back to the pencil work in progress icon until you're ready for more comments. It still looks like you need to work on Valan's suggestions. 

[Ohénmár Celeste]

.

[Rookie Brownbark]

Hey Ohen,

I don't think we've met but I'd just like to say that we won't ever delete this CD - if you feel like picking it up in a month, two months, a year, it'll be here for you .  And you're really not far off from what I can tell.  I know I gave up on my first character whilst writing it (at a similar time too, because it actually got approved after I left), but I came back after a while and made another one, and do you know what - this CD writing process is *so* much easier once you've done it once! Now I have...erm...I would tell you how many but I honestly can't remember.  When you first get here there do seem to be a lot of stupid little rules, but the thing is that most people start to like that fact once they get in to it, because they keep the characters from becoming too perfect, they make them more believable.  The depth of the site can be a pain in the bum at first, but seriously, it makes for a much better roleplaying experience once you're there!

I really hope you change your mind and get her through that last hurdle,

Rookie x

[Azhira Styralias]

To be honest, I see nothing glaring wrong with this CD. Its basic and it works fine. Its not overpowered or unbalanced. For a first CD, its ok to me.

I think the ONLY small thing is that animals wouldn't be able to speak to you as you are not a full Eyelian.

Otherwise, I don't see much more to nitpick.

First Approval!

[Deklitch Hardin]

Second Approval

[Kalína Dalá'isyrás]

I shall send her an Email to let her know of the proceedings.

Go ahead and remove the colour, and we shall get you on your way

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